An entire manuscript exists about the lessons I’ve learned while dating. Here I have re-tooled some of my lessons for this space. They’re written from the perspective of a woman, but are also applicable to men. Here’s the first lesson I recorded, an early one–it’s a very apropos place to begin because not only was it my first lesson, but it’s been a recurring experience in my dating life. It’s a good one to own, because it helps in navigating your reality.

Lesson Learned:

I learned this lesson early, from a couple of different men. Scott was the first man I dated after my divorce. I’d been divorced for two years, but he was only separated at the time. This in itself was a big mistake, dating someone who’s only separated (but that’s another lesson). He wasn’t quite over his ex and though he was into me, he wasn’t into me enough. A behavior I’ve experienced with many men—they like me, but they aren’t sure how much; they get eager in the beginning, then they get scared because the longer we date, the more “commitmenty” it is. This was further compounded because of his conflicted feelings about his ex. He wanted a distraction from his feelings for her (which were confused), but he wasn’t sure about his feelings for me (because it was too soon). He simply wasn’t ready to date.

Over time, instead of spending more time together, we spent less. I was marginalized. I didn’t like the way this felt but I didn’t want to give up on the relationship either. After all, he was the first guy I’d dated after being single for two years, what hope did I have of finding someone else? (Ha! There are apps for that.) So I told him I wanted a break, a month, so we could both figure out what we wanted.

A week later he called, wanting me. That felt good. He took me out to dinner for the first time in a long time. He said that it wasn’t that he was ashamed of me, but of his situation. He felt funny taking me out in public when he was technically still married (Reminder: don’t date someone who is only separated!). But this night, he made me feel the way I wanted to feel. We were on-again.

Only it didn’t last. Quickly and predictably, as no issues had been resolved, it devolved again. A couple of months later, we were back to the same place. He was distant, cool. This time I called him on it and made him tell me his truth. I made him break up with me, because he wasn’t ready for me. Scott said he wanted to put me on the shelf for a while and maybe take me down in a couple of months. I told him I won’t live on a shelf. At the expiration of a couple of months he called, but I’d already moved on.

Isaac and I met online (On one of those apps for meeting people!). Isaac was the first man I dated who taught me what I wanted in a man rather than what I didn’t want. He was the first man I dated who I had no doubt that I wanted to be with. He was brilliant, witty, successful, worldly and oh-so-manly looking. How could I resist? I’m an elementary schoolteacher in Lincoln, Nebraska who works in a big box-of-a-building all day surrounded by children and mostly female colleagues. Where would I meet a man like this again (I have, but they are rare gems.)? He was so different from the other men I’d dated. And he seemed interested in me. But even from the beginning he was hedging, hinting that he wouldn’t stick around Nebraska long, that he wasn’t sure about dating someone with kids, etc. Nevertheless, he continued to correspond with me.

In his presence, I was nervous, a little trembly. He was exciting company. The physical attraction was strong, the conversation stimulating, the date sexy and fun. He asked me out on another date, but vaguely. We kept in touch, emailing, but I could feel the distance growing, the flirtation ebbing on his part, the interest waning. And then finally, confirmation. He didn’t think it was a good idea to see each other again. He liked me, but he didn’t see a future between us, he’d found new reasons that we were incompatible. It was best to just not pursue it at all.

The Lesson’s Essence:

With both men, I sensed in a change in the weather. I wasn’t being paranoid, it was based on a change in actions and interactions. I saw the end coming before it happened. Pay attention to shifts in relationship, the weather can shift at any time whether you’re just getting to know each other (Isaac), you’ve been dating for a while (Scott), or you’re married (that’s what divorce is, right?). Don’t be paranoid, just be mindful. Tend to yourself and your relationship. If you sense a change, have a rational conversation about it and face your truth the best you can. Better to live a truth than pretend a lie and better to face the truth than live in a state of anxious limbo. I’ve dated many men since the two who initially taught me this lesson. I’ve found that if I sense something is off, there’s a reason. And even when I’ve been hurt and disappointed, I’ve always been grateful to know my truth.

For men et al:

I write from the perspective of a woman, but my lessons cross genders. My friend Erik recently had this experience. A woman he’d been dating took issue with his calm demeanor in reaction to her over-the-top drama. “Why didn’t you call me on my bad behavior?” she asked him. She’d wanted a challenge, someone to take her on. He felt her cool to him after that and when he approached her about it hoping to have his fears eased, she dumped him instead. It’s okay to be hopeful, we need hope, but now he knows his truth and he can move on and find a woman whose personality is better suited to him. And who’s less dramatic.