Month: October 2023

Relationship Values: On Being Seen (and Heard)

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How do you want to feel in romantic relationship? What do you want the experience of romantic relationship to be like? Those are your Relationship Values. Through my relationship and dating experiences, I discerned what I really want in a relationship. This discernment has come from both ends of the spectrum–the “This is great, I want to feel like this!” and the “Wow, this really sucks, no thank you, never again.” One of the core Relationship Values that I identified in my journey is feeling both seen and heard. Don’t we all crave that? For someone to see and value us for who we are?

I’ve been with men who were attractive and whose company I enjoyed, yet I didn’t feel that they truly saw me. While I enjoyed the experience of them in the moment, I won’t be unseen in a relationship–there’s a loneliness and incompleteness in that. Better to be lonely alone than lonely in relationship.

I’m a complete person. I don’t need another person to complete me, but if a man can’t see the full spectrum of me, if he has limited vision, therein lies the incompleteness. I want a partner who can see my expanses and who has expanses for me to explore as well. Until I find that man, I choose to remain single.

Joel

In NYC one summer, I spent a few evenings with Joel. He’s attractive and successful, sweet and considerate–a great guy. One evening, he tried to surprise me with a wine varietal that I talked about enthusiastically the night before (Albariño, a current favorite), but he got the wrong varietal. To his credit, it started with an ‘A’. It was such a sweet gesture and much appreciated, but there was also a disconnect. He listened, but not quite enough.

Another night, I wanted to watch the Belmont Stakes and invited him to join me. He found a bar where we could watch the race, and we ordered drinks. I asked for a food menu as I hadn’t eaten much and didn’t want alcohol to get the better of me. He tried to put me off, because he wanted to take me out to a special restaurant later. Again, he wanted to please me, and there’s a sweetness in that, but he wasn’t hearing me–I knew that I needed some food to put the alcohol on, or we wouldn’t make it to dinner. In the end, I got something to nosh on while we watched the race AND I made it to dinner.

I like Joel. My trip was better for his presence in it, for making human connection. He’s kind and thoughtful, and, because of that, I’m grateful I met him. But I want more. I want someone who sees, hears, and understands me. I want someone who really gets me, not just someone pleasant trying to please me.

Stromboli and Me

I recently watched Roberto Rossellini’s film Stromboli, set in the fallout of World War II. It stars Ingrid Bergman as Karin, who has reservations about marrying a man she hardly knows–a man who, though smitten with her, doesn’t really know her and doesn’t really see her. Her reservations are prescient, and as the film unfolds Bergman feels increasingly unhappy, claustrophobic, and desperate in her relationship.

That’s how I felt in my marriage. My ex never saw me. At times, he accused me of doing something with ulterior motives, attributing some action of mine to a manipulation that had nothing whatsoever to do with my rationale or behavior.

Additionally, if I told him that something he did was hurtful to me, he turned it around saying, “I’m not the one who does that, you are.” In doing so, he denied my experience and deflected any responsibility. It was unbearably frustrating. Like the Tommy song, I wanted to cry out, “See me!…” The version my ex saw of me was warped and distorted, like the reflection in a fun house mirror or like the fire’s shadow in Plato’s Cave versus the vision of the sun. I am radiant, but he only saw flickering shadows of me.

On Being Seen and Heard

A few years ago, I read a quote on Reddit that still resonates with me, “Loneliness doesn’t end when you are surrounded by people; it ends when you are seen for who you are.” I can’t say it any better.

I’ve met men who saw me better in one week than my ex did in ten years. David is such a man. It was as if he intuited me. We spoke the same language and instinctively understood each other. I never had to explain myself; I could just tell my story and know he heard me. It was a relief for someone to see and understand me so clearly, so intimately. The world was a less lonely place for a while.

A copy of Felix Gonzalez-Torres‘ Untitled: Double Portrait hangs on my wall. It reminds me of how relationship with David felt, how I want relationship to feel. The composition is two complete circles. I see two whole individuals who make something infinitely more in their shared space. A circle itself is a symbol of infinity. Gonzales-Torres’ Double Portrait even looks like the infinity symbol. I seek expanses, not limits, and I won’t be limited by someone’s inability to fully see me.

Photo: My somewhat-battered copy of Felix Gonzalez-Torres’ Untitled: Double Portrait from London’s Tate Modern Museum.

David’s not the only man who’s seen me. Damon, Bruce, Evan, and of late, Isaac, have all made me feel seen and heard. It’s a sacred gift to see and hear another human being and it’s a precious gift to be on the receiving end of. They’re men of both high caliber and capacity. Single I remain until such a man sees me and partners with me.

It’s Not Just About Romance

I go forth authentically in the world and try to be a good human being, though like all of us, I fall short at times. I want people to see me for the woman I am and to allow me grace for the moments when I fall short. And I want and deserve that not only in a romantic partner, but in general. I strive to give the same in turn. That is the woman I am.

I took Adaptive Schools training years ago. Adaptive Schools has seven norms of collaboration to encourage positve collegial relationships. The norms are really just good basic social skills. One of them is Presuming Positive Intentions, or assuming that someone means well, unless and until there is evidence to the contrary. And yet, so often, people are prone to assuming the worst. When you’re trying to be your best, but someone assumes the worst, the dissonance is mind-bogglingly frustrating.

The Death of My Ex

The death of my ex was a complicated situation. I did not love him. We married for practical reasons–I was pregnant. He wasn’t a good husband to me, and he didn’t treat me well, but he wasn’t a horrible human being either. He was a complicated and flawed human being. Most importantly, he was the father of my children. Our relationship was complicated, sometimes contentious, other times civil and respectful.

When he died, my feelings were likewise complicated. My primary concern was for my children, who lost their father. But, I have a strange sort of grief too. I gave him ten years of my life. This isn’t what I wanted for my children, nor for him. I think of him daily, with a sadness that he ran out of days so soon.

Everyone copes with grief differently. One thing that I did in the days following Ben’s death was to delete the shared Google calendar we had for our son’s schedule. I had the information elsewhere, and it was too sad and painful to look at the calendar in its shared obsoleteness. To me, it was a stark visual reminder that he was gone. I still have our text thread on my phone, but I deleted the calendar.

On the heels of that, I got a vitriolic email from his widow who, noticing the calender was deleted, accused me of “dancing a jig on his grave.” She didn’t know why I deleted the calendar, but she assumed the worst possible motive for my behavior. I responded to her vitriol in a civil manner, but I made it clear that her grief didn’t entitle her to lash out at me. She persisted in her poison, and she’s now blocked from my life. Our relationship was never easy, but I expect people to see me for who I am and to treat me with respect.

EJ

My friend EJ retired a couple of years ago and, like many retirees, he mused about what lay ahead. The penultimate time I saw him, he was thinking about relocating to Maine. I mentioned that, a few years prior, I talked to a man who relocated to Maine after his divorce. The man had fond memories of Maine from his younger days and thought it would be a good place to relocate. Unfortunately, he was miserable there. In our conversations, he often spoke of how dark and cold it was during the Winter. He also complained that the community was tribal and unwelcoming. He was lonely and felt ostracized.

EJ said, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.”

This accusation took me aback. For my friend to assume that I had an ulterior motive and was anything other than authentic was hurtful. That he thought that I wasn’t evolved enough to just want him to be happy was disappointing. That he assumed the worst of me, that I was being selfish and manipulative, was maddening.

I responded, “I’m just giving you information to help inform your decision. Do what you want with the information. I’m telling you so you can think about it. That’s all. I’m not trying to tell you what decision is right for you. I’m just giving you information.“

He doubled down, “Your information is only the opinion of one person.“

“I never said any different.“

He shifted the subject and went into small talk mode. When we saw each other a few weeks later, it was awkward and tense. Something in our relationship has radically changed, and it’s not me. EJ no longer sees me for who I am, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. My feelings are complicated. I’m sad, disappointed, hurt, and angry. I deserve to be treated better, yet even now, I love my friend. I miss him. And I continue to hope that he’s happy. I have grace for him should he seek it, but he doesn’t seem to have grace for me.

Final Thoughts

Feeling seen and heard is a core Relationship Value for me in both my romantic and platonic relationships. I go forth in the world with both authenticity and the intention of being the best human being that I can muster. And, at this point in my life, I have little patience for people who fail to see and hear me for who I am when I’m so clear and forthright.

And for you, as you go forth, consider–Are you authentically seeing and hearing others? Do people see and hear you for who you are? I encourage you to do your best to pay attention and honor others. And I wish you the best of luck in being seen and heard in turn. To see and be seen is a beautiful thing. You deserve that.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Relationship Values–How do you Feel?

Just Be Yourself, but be your Best You

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My friend Mike once said to me, “You know yourself better than anyone I know.” It’s one of the best compliments I’ve ever received.

This self-awareness, coupled with a motivation to be the best version of myself that I can manage, has been the impetus for my evolution into the woman I am today. A woman who I’m proud to be. And yet, the work isn’t done. I’m not static; there’s always more to learn about how I can grow and be an ever-better version of myself.

Consider the iPhone–there are always new models coming out. Generally, the same technology, but with the goal of each version being an improvement and more appealing than the last. Ever-evolving toward better is a gratifying trajectory to be on. How are you evolving toward an ever better self?

Rising to Challenges

Unfortunately, some of the biggest opportunities for growth come during troubled times. Challenges stretch us. We can rise to the challenge, muddle through, or fall flat. But even when we fall flat, we can rise again and, importantly, we can reflect. The moments that test us are the moments when our rough spaces are revealed, the places that could stand some polishing. Paying attention to those places and attending to them is how we better ourselves.

My Story

Life has certainly presented me with plenty of opportunities to grow. Frustrating as that’s been, I’ve tried to rise to the occasion. And, while sometimes I’ve done better than others, it’s all about the long-term trajectory, including when you do fall short, recorrecting, and making amends if called for.

When my marriage ended, I went two years without dating. I tried to hold my life and my children’s lives together with some semblance of stability in the turbulence of divorce. I was focused on my children, legal proceedings, and such practical things as whether I’d be able to afford to keep the house. It was a lonely time, but it was also a reflective time…what had gone wrong, what was my role in it, and how could I do better going forward?

When I finally started dating, I was in my forties, a single mom, and fourteen years out-of-practice. The dating scene had changed, and there was much to learn–but I paid attention. I paid attention to myself, to the men, to our dynamic, studying my new milieu and learning about dating anew. I tried to better understand men, so that I could be prepared to be in a healthy partnership with one man. This included getting a male therapist so that I could actively seek a male perspective.

I paid attention because I wanted to learn how to be a better me, how to be a good partner, how to choose a good partner, and hopefully someday get to the kind of relationship I desire. And though currently single, I now date high-caliber men.

Your Story

Be your authentic self, but consider–Are you paying attention? Are you satisfied that you’re manifesting your best you? Dating is tough and there are plenty of bozos out there (that’s me being polite), but before looking to the deficiencies of any potential matches, I challenge you to look at yourself and be your best you. The better the version of yourself that you put out there, the better the chance you have of doing better than bozos.

I don’t suggest this as a self-deprecating exercise, but rather as an honest inventory of areas where you have room to grow and improve. The better you feel about the you that you put out there, the more confident you’ll feel. Confidence is an attractive quality which, in turn, will attract higher quality potential matches. You feel better; you attract better. You win, and you win again.

So, consider…do you have any insecurities? This is a good time to take a look at them and address them so they don’t hold you back and limit you. To live more expansively, you have to push at your limits. Are you insecure about your weight? Your appearance? Social situations? Are you unhappy with your job? Some other aspect of your life? Do you have low self-esteem? Are you a perfectionist? Are you depressed? Anxious? Can you pinpoint some aspect of yourself or your life that you’d like to improve? Some area of your life where you desire to stretch yourself?

If you see yourself in the last paragraph, then I challenge you to tend to yourself. Do the work and take care of yourself. You’ll feel better, and you’ll be in a better place for a better partner. The work of self-improvement isn’t a switch you flip from off to on, it’s a commitment that unfolds over time. It’s not a New Year’s Resolution where you dramatically change your life with a gym membership or take on the newest fad diet only to abandon it all within a couple of months. It’s not an all-or-nothing proposition.

Rather, it’s about finding something that works for you. It’s about finding manageable ways to shift your life and improve your trajectory. Ciara Hulet references the long view in her NPR story about scaling Mt. Kilimanjaro. The guides told the group to slow down, to go pole by pole and step by step, so they could acclimate and successfully scale the summit.

And you can choose to shift your trajectory any day that you feel inspired or need some inspiration, not just the first day of a new year. Are you ready to take that first step?

Want to Shed Some Weight?

Instead of the gym membership, try going for a daily twenty minute walk. That’s manageable–just step out your door with some comfortable shoes. After a while, try upping it to thirty minutes, then forty.

Instead of the drastic diet, try to cut back on snacking rather than restrict entire food groups or panic about calories. Try not to eat fast food. Put reasonable portions (not excessive, not restrictive) on your plate. Let yourself enjoy food and eat until you’re full, but when you’re full, don’t keep eating just because there’s food on your plate. Leftovers are a blessing–it means you don’t have to cook!

Don’t set yourself up for failure with a drastic change you won’t sustain, but welcome the evolution in manageable quantities. My major exercise is walking and I watch what I eat, but I eat what I want–I prioritize. I don’t eat doughnuts at morning meetings, nor do I snack at afternoon meetings. I do eat a dinner that sates me, and I typically end with chocolate and wine. I’m neither hungry, nor stuffed to discomfort. I eat to satisfaction, but not gluttony.

Anxious or Depressed?

I’ve faced both. As a younger woman, I marinated in my depression, passively feeling sorry for myself and simply wanting my life fixed. That’s an unproductive and self-fulfilling cycle. I still have bouts of depression, but now I take action against it. Not to dishonor the legitimacy of my feelings, but to avoid leaning into the darkness, and to try to get myself to better.

Taking Action

I once heard someone say that the opposite of depression is action. That may not be a completely accurate statement, but it’s in the right spirit. Depression invites apathy and inactivity, action may not dispel those feelings, but at least it’s movement in the other direction. Maybe that action is going for a walk, going out to dinner, journaling, painting, taking a class, or going on a trip. What action(s) can you take?

Getting Help

If you haven’t already, consider therapy. A therapist who is a good fit can both give you someone to talk to, as well as help you build a toolkit for managing the rough patches life throws you.

Mantras

I have stacks and stacks of self-written mantras that I cycle through. I find that when I write and recite a mantra about what I aspire to be, with time, I begin to believe it, feel it, and own it. Essentially, it’s “Fake it until you Make it” (That can be a mantra!). “Fake it” is the practice and recitation; “Making it” is the mastery and belief.

Try to identify what’s holding you back, such as your feelings and fears, then try to identify where you want to go. Use those insights to help you write positive mantras about how you want to manifest and who you aspire to be as your best self. Say those mantras aloud to yourself until they manifest as your reality.

My friend Ed once said, “Mantras are breath with volume.” Make your mantras actionable and give them volume. Don’t wait for things to happen and shift in your life, help them shift by putting action and momentum into the shifts you want to happen in your life.

Additionally, when someone gives you a powerful authentic compliment, write it down to remind yourself of it and to hold on to it. Make it a mantra that you continue to manifest. Remind yourself that you were worthy of the compliment, and strive to continue to be so worthy.

Suffering from Perfectionism?

I’m a recovering perfectionist myself. You’re doing fine. You can never be perfect, so hold yourself to a manageable standard and give yourself grace. When I was struggling with time management between my professional and personal life last year, my therapist inquired whether instead of bringing my A+ game to work whether an A game would suffice. Huzzah! High standards are good, but they ought to be reasonable. Be kind to yourself.

Feel Awkward Socially?

The best way to overcome this is practice. People who meet me now are surprised to learn that I was once painfully shy. To overcome my anxiety about public speaking, I signed up to be a lector at church. Every month, I’d get up in front of the congregation for a small amount of time. On stage briefly, then off stage quickly.

Over time, I became more comfortable, and now, I do it confidently. Try putting yourself out there in manageable amounts. Try going out for dinner alone, sitting at the bar, and chatting with a stranger–the bartender counts! Or go to a singles event, or any event! Try stretching yourself in a manageable way.

Dissatisfied Professionally?

Recently, I talked to a man who’s unhappy in his job and has been for several years. He feels that his work is important work, but he has cognitive dissonance regarding the organization he works for. Yet he admitted, somewhat sheepishly, that he hasn’t looked into further job training, certifications, or other job opportunities. He’s a good man, but he’s unsatisfied and settling. He’s stuck. If this is you, what can you do to find better job satisfaction?

Are You Optimizing Your Appearance?

Your physical appearance is the first thing potential matches notice about you and judgments are formed quickly. If you look good, you feel good, and you attract better potential matches.

If you aren’t attracting the quality of matches you’d like, consider: Does your beard need a trim? (Sorry, but those boho beards are generally unattractive.) Has activewear become your normal? Don’t let it! Is your hairstyle working for you and are you doing the work to make it work? I get a lot of compliments on my hair, but it looks frizzy if I don’t curl it.

If your appearance is an area you think you could improve, get that trim; curl your hair; or step up the wardrobe. This isn’t to say that you need to dress to the nines every day, but you ought to take pride in how you present yourself to the world. You ought to take pride in yourself. You’re worth it. And if you manifest that, other people will see it too, including potential matches.

Consider Stretching Yourself

Is there something that you’re interested in but haven’t pursued? If you have a professional, personal, or recreational interest that intrigues you, consider pursuing it rather than just thinking about it. If you’re feeling stagnant–disrupt your status quo! Explore job possibilities. Take that trip you’ve thought about, even if you do it alone! I travel alone frequently–it’s a great way to meet people and expand your experience. Try that activity you’re interested in (i.e., rock climbing, salsa dancing, guitar lessons, etc.). In my forties, I finally did aerial silks, because I wanted to, so why not?

Photo: Me at the Aerial Bombshell studio. Why didn’t I try this sooner? At least I did!

Being Your Best Self Socially

Finally, I’d be remiss if I overlooked mentioning that part of manifesting your best self involves having a loving-kindness and consideration for others at the root of your social interactions. This will be tested, but you can be strong and stand-up for yourself without being rude or base. Simply, be better. Be your best you. Strive to manifest kindness, strength, and grace. And when you fall short, make amends as needed, and remember to give yourself grace as well.

The caution is that the work is never done. Feeling better about yourself breeds confidence; be careful not to let confidence bleed into arrogance. Being your best is about self-awareness, balance, and grace, and there will always be people and situations that make it challenging to be your best. That’s when you reflect, polish, and remember to give yourself grace too.

Final Thoughts

I certainly haven’t been comprehensive and, ultimately, the best assessor of where you are is yourself. I simply challenge you to pay attention and take care of yourself. The reward is the best you, and a bonus is attracting better than bozos. If you’ve already got this covered, then congratulations on paying attention and doing the work of self-betterment!

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Relationship Values–On Being Seen (and Heard)