The Summary is an important part of your dating profile, yet neglected by a lot of dating platform users. This is a mistake, as Your Summary is how potential matches can get a sense of who you are and discern their interest. It’s your opportunity to get the attention of potential matches and to stand out from other profiles.

In my last few posts, I’ve provided some general tips for an effective Summary. In this post, I’m going to further guide you in how to craft Your Summary. Your Summary is about You. To that end, use whatever ideas speak to you to make the task easier, more approachable, and ultimately, more You.

The Process

If writing is an intimidating task for you, then start by breaking down the process into manageable steps. Get a notebook for writing down ideas and give yourself the grace of time. You don’t have to write a standout essay in one sitting. Walk through your day(s) and when you get an idea about what to write, make a notation in the notebook. When you’re ready with some ideas, you can sit down and draft Your Summary.

As a writer and blogger, I do this myself all the time. Sometimes the ideas don’t come on command. Sometimes ideas need the grace of time to ferment and come to fruition. I keep a notepad by my bed in case I have an idea when I’m half-asleep; I walk with a memo-pad in both my fanny pack and purse in case an idea strikes me when I’m on the move; and my blog draft just looks like a bunch of random notes long before it’s published. Take the pressure off and give yourself time to think about what you want to say.

Think of Your Summary as a Conversation

If writing is a task outside of your comfort zone, reframe the writing as a conversation. You use words in conversation all the time. With Your Summary, you’re initiating a conversation with potential matches. Imagine yourself walking across a room at a party to talk to someone who catches your eye, and then introduce yourself…

Content: Who You Are

When introducing yourself, you want to tell potential matches a little about yourself. The more effectively you can give potential matches a sense of who you are, the better you’ll be able to spark their interest. A man may have attractive profile pictures, but if I can’t get a sense of the kind of person he is from his Summary, I lose interest.

Who you are is more than what you do for a living, though that’s important too. Some things to consider talking about in Your Summary:

• Personality Traits: Are you socially reserved or extroverted? Are you adventurous or low-key? Do you prefer nature or the energy of the city? Would you rather go out, stay in, or strike a healthy balance? How do you go forth in the world? Tell potential matches a little bit about the kind of person you are.
• Family: If you have children, mention how many and relative ages (Are they young, teenagers, adults?). Orient potential matches to what your family life looks like (Do you have full custody? Shared custody? Kids away at college?) so they can get a sense of whether that makes sense with their own lifestyle. Do NOT mention your ex. Your ex should be in the rearview mirror and considering them as family is problematic for future relationships.
• Career: Share a little bit about what you do and how it’s meaningful for you. If you travel for work, work remotely, or have an unusual work situation (i.e., travelling nurse), briefly explain. By telling potential matches about your lifestyle, it brings them a little bit into your world and helps them discern if they can see themself in your picture.
• Activities: What are some of your favorite activities? How do you spend your free time? Scuba diving? Hiking? Volunteering? Skiing? Art museums/galleries? Reading? Live music? Sporting events? Preparing craft cocktails? Let potential matches know some of your favorite things to do so they can see how compatible you may be. If a man says he’s heavy into things like scuba diving and ice climbing, I know he’s working at a different speed than I am. I’ll stroll the art gallery with a glass of wine on a First Friday, thank you very much. But if a man says he’s equally at ease with dressing comfortably for a hike or in a tux for an event, my interest may be piqued!
• Travel: Do you enjoy travelling? If so, what does that look like for you? RVing? Backpacking? National Parks? A cruise? Cosmopolitan locales? Beaches? Mountains? Domestic? Abroad? A range of experiences? Paint a picture for potential matches of the kind of travel you like to engage in and the range of experience you enjoy.
• The Arts: Do you have a favorite musician/band or music genre that you prefer, or do you have eclectic taste? A favorite movie or genre of film? A favorite book or book genre? Do you like the visual arts, dance, theatre, or opera? If a man says he’s an opera fan, he’s probably not for me, but if he likes classic film, then we have a point of connection.
• Sports: Do you play sports? Attend sporting events? Watch or follow a particular sport? Have a favorite team? If it’s important to you, do tell!
• Interests: What are you curious about? I was recently involved with a man who had a job in the technology sector and was a CMO, yet he also had a deep interest in quantum physics. Myself, I’m attracted to human story across place, time, culture, and expressed through different artistic mediums. What piques your interest?
• Truths: Consider being upfront about any truths you may have and are comfortable sharing–places in your life where you’re inflexible. This saves both you and potential matches time in determining your compatibility and can spare hurt feelings down the road if you’re incompatible. Examples of truths: strong faith, (un)willingness to date long distance, sexual proclivities, disease, disability, politics, etc. Share your truths in a neutral and non-judgmental way.
• Values: Do you have any core values that are important for you to share? In my profile, I mention that authenticity is important to me–that I offer it, expect it in turn, and that I won’t tolerate deception of any kind. I don’t belabor it; I simply make my point.

While personality, family, and career are basic information topics that you should address, you needn’t be exhaustive in addressing every category above. Rather, use the categories as a guide to make some notes that will help you paint a picture of who you are for potential matches. Focus on the categories that speak to you, as YOU are who Your Summary is about.

Content: Who You’re Looking For

If you have a strong sense of the kind of person you’re looking for and attracted to, that gives you an advantage as you sift through profiles. Likewise, if you name some of those qualities in your profile, it will help viewers discern if you might be a good match. Name the qualities in a match that are must-haves, but try to keep the list small. The longer the list of must-haves is, the narrower the pool of possibilities becomes. On my profile, I name that I need a man who can stimulate me intellectually and make me laugh. Those are essential for me. What is essential for you?

If you aren’t solid on the kind of person you’re looking for, that leaves possibility wide open, and that’s fine. However, if you’d like to discern and try to pinpoint certain qualities that attract you, look for patterns of attraction. Think about past relationships that were meaningful for you. What was it about your partner that attracted you to them? Do you see any recurring patterns across relationships?

If you’re still unsure, take a page from the aforementioned notebook and take notes on dating profiles that catch your interest. Try to name what it is about each profile that intrigues you. Do you see any patterns of attraction? If so, you can use that information to empower you in your search and in naming the kind of match you’re looking for.

By naming qualities that you find attractive in Your Summary, you allow potential matches to see if they might be a good fit. However, be careful not to let your list of desirables get overly long. A brief list gives clarity about the kind of person you’re seeking. The longer the list of desired qualities gets, the more it feels like a checklist of criteria that a potential match must measure up against, be wary of wading into that territory.

Likewise, when telling about Who you’re looking for, beware of the phrase, “You are…” While it has the immediacy of seeming to talk directly to potential matches, it’s presumptive to tell someone who they are or should be. Rather, invite dialogue by asking who they are. For instance:

• What about you?
• What do you like to do?
• Does that sound like you?
• What should we do for our first date?
• Shall we meet for coffee? A drink? Dinner?
• Now, tell me about yourself…
• But, I’d really like to learn about you…

Some patterns of attraction may not be essential, but may be worth mentioning. In my profile, I mention that I have a history of dating artistic/creative types and that I pair well with alphas. That doesn’t mean I date such men exclusively, but it does mean that if a man has no interest whatsoever in the visual arts or is reserved, then we’re probably not a good match.

Content: What You’re Looking For

When you’re looking for a relationship, there’s not just a Who involved, but a What. The What is the relationship itself, in particular, it’s the dynamic created by the individuals in relationship, the shared space of the Venn Diagram. What do you want that shared space to look like? Feel like? This is the What. By describing What you hope to find and create in relationship, you can draw the right connections in. If What you describe is attractive to potential matches, then you’ve got their attention.

Early in my dating journey, when I was still discerning What I was looking for, a friend recommended that I look for pictures of how I wanted relationship to feel, much like a vision board. It was a surprisingly fruitful exercise. As someone who expresses affection with physical touch, I began by looking for pictures of couples holding hands but found the pictures unsatisfactory. When I tried a search for couples embracing, I found the pictures much more satisfying, such as the couple walking down the street with their arms around each others waists, no vacant space between their bodies. That exercise taught me how important physical touch and proximity is for me in relationship. Someone who doesn’t express affection physically would leave me feeling wanting.

If you’re still discerning What you’re looking for in relationship, consider searching for visual images that match what you want to feel. Are the couples laughing? Holding hands? Are their arms wrapped around each other?

Think about your past relationships–What qualities about any past relationships made that/those relationships resonate with you? Are there any past relationship dynamics that you want to avoid as you go forward? I’ve been in past relationships where I haven’t felt seen, heard, or honored, with men who created a lot of drama. Nowadays, I’m carefully attuned to how a man treats me, makes me feel, and how he behaves.

Consider the couples you know–are there any couples who model a relationship dynamic that you find desirable? What is it about their dynamic that you find attractive? My cousin Michele and her husband Mike are an example of the kind of dynamic I seek. They’re playful, considerate, and supportive of one another. There’s always laughter when I visit, and they tag-team cooking the meal (While I watch and drink wine!). I’ve never seen them bicker or disparage each other, and I can’t say that of many couples I’ve spent that much time around.

Content: Additional Ideas

If you’d like to individualize your profile further, tell a story about yourself. Keep it light at this point. If you’re able to laugh at yourself and make it humorous, even better! Maybe a travel misadventure or an embarrassing moment? Consider teasing potential matches and piquing their interest by not revealing the end of the story, instead saying something to the effect of, “I’ll tell you the rest of the story on our first date…”

Or, tell about something that inspires you or that you’re inspired to do. Do you have a person you admire? They don’t need to be famous. What is it about them that you admire? Or, do you have a particular quote that resonates with you? Share it and explain its significance to you. (Make sure to limit yourself to only one quote!) Maybe you find inspiration in a place? Where is that place, and what about it inspires you? Are you inspired to walk the El Camino? Learn to play guitar? Master Portuguese? Tell potential matches What you’re inspired to do and Why. The explanation of the Why of your inspiration is where potential matches have the opportunity to see who you are.

Or, tell random interesting facts about yourself. Here’s an example from a profile I saw recently:

Random stuff about me…I return shopping carts, I am fascinated by the 2 ft. long printed coupons you get at CVS (Extra Bucks rule!), I don’t hog the left hand lane unless I’m passing slower traffic, I tip 20% or more but do the math in my head so the bill total always ends in zeros, I’m the DJ at my house parties, I walk on the curb side of the street with my lady, etc.

I thought it was pretty sweet. While I wasn’t swayed in his direction, he did manage to get my attention, and his profile was entertaining. What are some of your random facts?

Draft Your Summary

Now that you have an idea about what you’re going to write, it’s time to draft Your Summary. Remember to think of Your Summary as the beginning of a conversation–You’re introducing yourself to potential matches. You’re going to walk across the room to that person who caught your eye, and say…that’s exactly what you write.

Think of the writing as simply organizing your thoughts and recording them. You can go back and proofread/edit later. Start by simply getting your ideas down. Strive for a minimum length of three paragraphs. Any less than that makes it difficult to convey a real sense of who you are.

If it’s easier for you to actually simulate that imaginary conversation than write it down, try using a Speech-to-Text app or software to record what you would say to that person when you walk over.

You can also break writing Your Summary up into manageable parts. I didn’t write the first draft of this blog post in one sitting, and you don’t have to write Your Summary draft in one sitting either. Write a little bit, then walk away for a while before coming back to it. You can even break it up into the same chunks (headings and bullet points) that I’ve organized this blog into if that’s helpful!

Myself, I’m not a fan of A.I., but it’s an additional tool that’s available to you if you aren’t confident about writing Your Summary.

Edit/Proofread Your Draft

It’s important to edit and proofread the draft of Your Summary. Your potential matches aren’t all going to be English majors, but you don’t want your profile to stand out for its spelling and grammatical errors. It’s worth taking the time to edit and proofread.

Read your draft out loud to yourself. This is something that writers commonly do to make sure it flows and sounds right. It’s also a good way to catch little mistakes you might not notice if you’re just glancing at the words across the screen/page.

Use software to help you get spelling and grammar right if you need to. Be careful with things like you’re and your. If you’re not sure, google it to find out. An English major I may be, but I still Google grammar questions with frequency!

Final Thoughts

The Summary is a crucial part of a dating profile, as this is where you have the opportunity to give potential matches a sense of who you are. Done effectively, it will get their attention and help them discern possible compatibility.

In my last few posts (linked below) I provided some guidelines for writing Your Summary. This post is meant to make the task of writing an effective Summary as approachable as possible. Whether you’re writing a Summary from scratch, or I’ve given you ideas for tweaking Your Summary, I want to empower you to have as much success as possible finding Who and What you’re looking for. Good luck out there!

Recent Posts:

• Zoom Out
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• Q & A: What is a Committed Relationship?

Up Next: On the Paradox of Choice

The Summary part of your dating profile demands more thought and effort than the rest of your profile as it’s an open-ended essay question rather than mulitiple choice. Because of this, many dating platform users neglect The Summary or don’t put much thought into it. This is a mistake, as it’s your best opportunity to effectively tell potential matches who you are and what you’re looking for. Further, it’s your chance to stand out and make a good first impression. Let’s make that happen!

In many ways, dating is similar to a job search. You want a mutually good fit, and there’s a process of vetting possibilites. In this analogy, your profile works like a resume, giving potential matches a sense of who you are. Just as you’d do your best to position yourself well for a professional opportunity by polishing your resume, likewise, you should optimize your dating profile. Envision Your Summary as an opportunity, not a chore. In the job search analogy, Your Summary is akin to the “Tell me about yourself,” part of a job interview. And, if finding your words is an intimidating prospect, don’t worry, I’m here to help!

Don’t: Mention Your Ex

The purpose of your dating profile is to find your next romantic connection. Leading with talk about a former lover/partner is a turn-off. Focus on where you’re going, not where you’ve been. Get to know potential connections, don’t tell them about past ones.

When I come across a profile where a man mentions his ex, I tend to pass him by. After all, we haven’t even met yet, why is he already telling me about his ex? I want a man who’s interested in me. With time, we’ll learn each other’s histories, but it’s not a good relationship place to lead from. If you dwell in your romantic past, you may preclude present possibilities.

Don’t: Use Clichés

Clichés are examples of unoriginal thinking. Simply put, they’re lazy. When I come across a profile with a cliché, I pass it by. I want a man who can think and speak for himself, not one who relies on others’ words to express himself.

You can’t stand out from other profiles by using clichés because by definition they’re overused. How many times have you read:

• I’m a glass half-full kind of person
  • To my mind, the other half of the glass is a legitimate truth not to be ignored. Life has rough patches. I’m not looking to date a Pollyanna but a well-rounded man capable of a broader perspective.
• Looking for a partner in crime
  • Really? Bonnie and Clyde didn’t end so well. No thank you.
• Looking for my last first kiss
  • At least romantic, but still unoriginal. And what about all the kisses after that? I hope it doesn’t go downhill from there.
• I’m not looking for someone perfect, just perfect for me
  • Aren’t we all?

Clichés are a sign of limited thinking. If you want to stand out, you need to find your own words (I’ll help with that!). After all, I don’t know about you, but I’m not looking for ordinary–I’m looking for extraordinary.

Do: Be Original

You are you–what an elite experience! No one else gets to be you, just you. So, who are you? Share the special that you are.

To disentangle yourself from the cliché in your life, flip the cliché and follow your thinking.

You’re probably not really looking for a partner in crime, so what are you looking for? Adventure? Fun? A life companion? What does that look like for you? Rock climbing? Scuba diving? Bike riding? An art museum? Antiquing? Live Music? Fine dining? A romantic getaway? Backpacking? A roadtrip? Paint a picture of what you’re looking for with specifics of your vision so potential matches can clearly see you, and maybe even see themself in your picture.

Instead of saying, “I’m not looking for someone perfect, just someone perfect for me,” be clear–what does that look like? What kind of companion and relationship do you seek? How do you want relationship to feel? Don’t make it a litany of criteria that someone needs to fulfill, rather name the important overriding qualities that you seek.

Here’s the first paragraph of My Summary:

I am looking for someone to share and enjoy life’s journey with. Someone to hold hands with in good times and bad. Someone who can appreciate me for the person I am. I want someone who has depth, compassion, brings out the best in me, can intellectually stimulate me, and who can make me smile and laugh. An intellectual man who can make me laugh is a turn on (Yes, I’m sapiosexual). I need someone who can keep up with me and keep me on my toes–I like a good repartee.

It’s not a list of must-haves nor is it cliché, but it does give you the sense of the kind of man and relationship I seek. What and who are you looking for? Paint that picture in your own words, as only you can.

Don’t: Be Defensive or Apologetic

In the context of a dating profile, being defensive and apologetic are both reactionary. Your dating profile shouldn’t be reactionary to your prior dating experience, but proactive about the experience you want to have.

Being defensive is generally a passive-aggressive behavior. Not a good place to live, and there’s nothing to defend against with potential matches you haven’t met yet. Avoid being defensive.

Likewise, avoid apologizing in your profile. It comes off as weak and ineffectual in a situation where you don’t have anything to apologize for–you haven’t met these people yet. Your profile is a step toward meeting the right person. Save apologies for when you genuinely need to make amends.

Or, this example: “Sorry for no photos of…(i.e., being shirtless, bathroom/car selfies, photos with fish, etc.).” In this case, the apology comes off as a disingenuous attempt at humor. This is your first impression, sidestep the sarcasm. It’s okay to acknowledge the negatives of dating, but don’t over-dwell there. Instead, stay focused on conveying who you are and what you’re looking for and put out an energy (warm, upbeat, nonplussed) that will attract what you hope to find.

Don’t: Overuse Emojis

Emojis can be a fun way to add visual emphasis in casual written communication, but they have a limited capacity for conveying a message. They lack the nuance and specificity of words. Overreliance on emojis as a means of communication reads as unsophisticated and immature. Not how you want to present yourself.

Words are a more effective tool than emojis for expressing who you are and what you hope to find romantically. Don’t be afraid to find your words; you use words all the time. Imagine you’re at a party and someone catches your eye–What would you say to introduce yourself? Write that.

Do: Think of Your Summary as a Conversation

Many people find the idea of writing intimidating. If you’re uncomfortable with the idea of writing Your Summary, reframe the task as initiating a conversation. For now, the conversation is a monologue, but done effectively, it will lead to a dialogue.

We use words to effectively communicate every day. You possess the skill of using words to communicate what you want to express, you just need to get them written down. By framing Your Summary as a conversation rather than an essay assignment, you make it a more approachable task.

Imagine that job interview where you’re asked to, “Tell me about yourself.” Now imagine that job interview is for a romantic partner. Focus on what you would say, then write that down.

If you still aren’t sure, break the task down into more manageable steps. Put a notebook on a table. Walk through your day with the idea of how you would initiate that conversation in person and what you would say. Whenever you get an idea, make a notation to help you get you started.

Once you have some ideas of how to begin that conversation, write a draft of Your Summary. When you’re done, walk away from it for a while. When you’re ready, go back and edit/proofread.

You use words all the time; the only difference is that you’re writing these words down. You can do this.

Don’t: Announce a Profile Update

Whether you’re relatively new to online dating and your profile is a work in progress or you’re a veteran (sigh) who may feel the need to revise over time, it’s normal to update your profile once in a while. When doing so, make the desired updates to your profile without drawing attention to the fact (i.e., writing, “Update:…”) or making an addendum set off at the end of Your Summary. Doing either of these reads as awkward.

In my years on Match, I’ve only seen one effective exception to this–a man who had an accident which paralyzed him, putting him in a wheelchair. He had a distinct before and after in his life. By bringing attention to his update, he was allowing potential matches to see the person he was before the accident and his new life since. Change is part of all our lives, but the very way he’s able to live his life changed dramatically. For most of us, it’s simply best to revise our summaries quietly.

Thinking of Your Summary as a romantic version of your resume, imagine that resume in an electronic format on social media, such as LinkedIn. When you update your LInkedIn profile, you wouldn’t write “Update,” you’d simply revise or add to your resume so that the changes were integrated without announcing that you were doing so. Handle Your Dating Summary similarly. Maintain Your Summary in a way so that it matches your current truth without broadcasting updates.

Don’t: Write a Disclaimer

If you have to qualify Your Summary with a disclaimer such as, “Please read with the humor intended…,” or, “…not meant to insult,” (I’ve seen both) then you’ve probably written something you shouldn’t have (They did.). What they wrote wasn’t particularly funny and, despite the disclaimer, was potentially insulting. They failed to manifest what they were going for (humor) and risked being alienating. Not everyone is going to be your person, but remember to conduct yourself with dignity and kindness. Those qualities go a long way toward being a good human being, regardless of the context.

Do: Relax

Frankie aside, even if writing isn’t your favorite thing or a natural talent, you can do this. Dread will only make the task more daunting. Don’t let writing Your Summary get the better of you, and don’t avoid it. Be yourself, and remember to think of Your Summary as the beginning of a conversation.

Final Thoughts

The Summary part of your dating profile is your opportunity to effectively represent who you are and the kind of match you’re looking for. It’s you introducing yourself to someone who catches your eye at a party. How would you present yourself? What would you say? If you don’t find your words, you miss your opportunity. Your Summary is your chance to find your words, introduce yourself, and attract potential matches.

To make Your Summary as effective as possible, keep in mind the guidelines in my last few posts (past posts in this series are linked below). In my next post, I’ll give you more ideas for crafting Your Summary. Meanwhile, good luck out there!

Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

More Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

Up Next: Crafting Your Dating Profile Summary