Allow me to tell you about the Tom Ford room. Stay with me; I promise I’ll get to Relationship Values too.
A few summers ago, while in NYC, I spent a day at The Metropolitan Museum of Art. Wandering around the galleries, I came across the entrance to the exhibition In America: An Anthology of Fashion. Despite my passion for fashion, I almost walked on. After all, I’d already spent time with another fashion exhibition, In America: A Lexcion of Fashion, and there’s so much to see at The Met–did I really want to devote more of my time there to fashion? Well, yes.
The Assignment
Each period furnished room in The American Wing of The Met was assigned to a different American film director. Their task was to create a narrative scene in their assigned room using clothing from the Met’s collection.
The execution of the task was wide-ranging.
Sofia Coppola
Sofia Coppola’s room was a disappointment. Assigned a 19th century room, she dressed the mannequins in 19th century clothes and placed them in predictable groupings. Uninspired. I could’ve easily accomplished the same outcome or better.
Chloe Zhao
Chloe Zhao’s staging of the Shaker Retiring Room was more interesting. While the room itself is circa 1835, Zhao intermixed period costumes with clothes from the next century, specifically, Claire McCardell pieces from the 1930s-40s. And yet, what a fitting partnership of simple, utilitarian, austere fashion and furnishing.
Removed in time by a century, yet the hardships of Depression and wartime impacted fashion with a similar visual aesthetic that Shakers opted for via philosophy and religion. One of the characters in the scene even levitates! The pairing was interesting, and it worked.
Still with me? We’re almost there; only a couple more rooms to go. It’s worth the wait…
Janicza Bravo
Janicza Bravo’s Rococo Revival Parlor could have been a scene from To Catch A Thief–a lone manequin, clad in a gown that Grace Kelly could easily have worn, was staged in an extravagantly decorated side room. Chairs are pushed aside, the mannequin’s bolero jacket hangs on one chair, her cake plate sits atop another, and her shoes have been cast off–she’s taking a moment. There’s both a palpable external and internal narrative in the composition.
Martin Scorsese
Martin Scorsese was assigned the Frank Lloyd Wright room and rose to the occasion. A party of mannequins dressed in period formal wear and placed in conversational groupings suited the setting. A soundtrack of an intimate conversation between a couple played on a loop–which couple was it? And what about the man(nequin) just outside the window looking in? The scene had an undercurrent of noir. Fashion, furnishing, art, story.
The Big Bang
And then, there was the Tom Ford room…officially Gallery 735.
In the center of the room, the mannequins were in an all out fashion battle, airborne with martial art kicks and dueling swords! They were dynamic and energetic. Ford made them come alive with movement– the fashion simultaneouly still and in motion, like a movie freeze-frame. His inspiration: the Grand Divertissement à Versailles (Great Entertainment at Versailles) Fashion Event of November 28, 1973, commonly referred to as The Battle of Versailles, and so Ford staged it–a literal fashion battle.
The Battle of Versailles
The Battle of Versailles was a fundraiser with five elite French fashion houses (Marc Bohan/Christian Dior; Pierre Cardin; Givenchy; Yves St. Laurent; and Emanuel Ungaro) versus five American ready-to-wear designers (Bill Blass; Stephen Burrows; Halston; Anne Klein; and Oscar de la Renta).
The American designers were the underdogs, and the underdogs flipped it, turning the fashion world upside-down that day. American ready-to-wear dominated French haute-couture with a gut punch. Tom Ford made it a literal kick to the gut! Brilliant!
Mesmerized, I circled the scene processing the fashion, the poses, the setting, the scene as a whole, and all the levels that Tom Ford was hitting it on–historical (the Battle of Versailles Fashion Show); metaphorical (transforming the fashion battle into an actual battle); visual (So dynamic, so colorful, such fashion!); cultural (French culture, American culture, fashion culture); locale (A reenactment of The Battle of Versailles surrounded by a panorma of Versailles.); narrative (What a story!). It was all so pertinent, so perfect, so scintillating.
Spellbound, I couldn’t stop thinking about the Tom Ford room. Back in Nebraska a few days later, I googled ‘Battle of Versailles,’ found a documentary about it (Versailles ’73: American Runway Revolution), and downloaded an app just so I could watch it. I wanted to know more.
Bringing it Back: Relationship Values
Have you ever felt like that about someone? Mesmerized? So gobsmacked that you can’t stop thinking about them? So charmed that you want to explore the niches of who they are and learn them better? You hadn’t forgotten this is a dating blog, had you?
Knowing Myself
As an educator, one of my dating guidelines is that I generally don’t date other K-12 educators. I have no desire to come home at the end of the day and feel like I’m in the teacher’s lounge. I don’t want my personal life to be a redundancy of my professional life. In a lover, I want someone who offers me more than what I already know and have.
I seek stimulation; I need stimulation. Without stimulation, I wither. I need intellectual engagement, and I seek stimulation in many forms–visual, geographical, experiential, physical, cultural, artistic, linguistic, academic, creative, narrative. And that’s what I seek in a partner–a stimulating companion, a man who can expand my universe and understanding, a man who can show me new vistas. I’m looking for the Tom Ford room in a man.
Knowing What I Want
I’ve dated such men–Damon, the botanist; Isaac, the art historian; CJ the test pilot/astronaut; David the writer; and David, the filmmaker, to name a few. They’re men who are actively engaged with the art of living and learning, and this makes them engaging company. I’ve enjoyed having them open their worlds to me, expanding my universe. Anything less would be settling.
If a man doesn’t have expanses to reveal to me, I’ll look for stimulation elsewhere, because expanding my universe is not only a relationship value, but a core life value. I want to engage with my world and keep learning, keep expanding what I know, where I go, and who I can be. And if I want that for myself, then I need that in a partner.
Ironically, by expanding my universe, it shrinks the world, making it more familiar, more intimate, more comfortable, and less intimidating. Simultaneously stimulating and comfortable. That’s the man I seek. The aforementioned men are all Tom Ford room men, and I’ve dated others as well. They’re a rarified breed of man.
While lasting relationship with a Tom Ford room man has eluded me to date, I won’t settle for less. I only need one of them to step it up and stick around. Meanwhile, I’ll keep expanding my universe and hope that maybe someday one of them will.
You
And what about you? What mesmerizes you in a partner? Who has gobsmacked you? What qualities in a match pique your interest and curiosity, making you want even more? Do you want to expand your universe? If so, how can you do that? What would you like that to look like?
If you don’t already know, then consider the questions and ponder the answers. Whatever it is, I wish you luck in finding it if you haven’t already.
Good luck out there!
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The irresisible chemical pull of romance, attraction, and desire can be intoxicating. It can also be elusive. I’ve gone out with men whose company I enjoyed but who I had absolutely no desire to be touched by. Conversely, there are men who I’ve immediately wanted to pounce. Somewhere in the middle are the connections of compatibility and possibility that can either stall out or take off, depending on whether they’re given ample fuel and fire.
Flirting cannot create compatibility nor connection, but it can fuel possibility by activating chemistry where the conditions for connection exist. Flirting is the match; compatibility and connection are the kindling and firewood. If the firewood and kindling are stacked well and the match lit, then when match meets kindling, sparks can ignite the fire. But without that lit match coming into contact with the kindling, then despite having all the elements for a good relationship, it may never ignite.
It’s important to recognize when to flirt. If the compatibility and connection are there, if your curiosity and interest are piqued, then the timing is right. Flirt away!
If you have some interest in the connection, but you have some reservations as well, keep your flirtation as measured as your feeling. Flirtation should be proportional to interest. The stronger your interest, the more freely you should flirt. The more reserved your interest level, the more you should dial down your flirtation.
And if you’re really not feeling it, don’t engage in flirtation at all. Encouraging someone else and leading them on where they have no real chance with you is inauthentic and unkind. In such a case, simply recognize that it’s not a fit and treat them with kindness, but don’t encourage their hope.
Flirting with Your Body
There are myriad ways that you can use your body to flirt.
Wardrobe
While it’s important to be cautious about making assumptions about anyone based on their clothes, you can use your wardrobe to help further the message you want to send. Clothes can help feed attraction or snuff it. Years ago, I went on a first-last date where the guy showed up in ill-fitting jeans and sneakers. I immediately knew that he wasn’t for me.
Of course, you want to dress appropriately for the activity. A nice dinner outfit should be different than what you’d wear to a sporting event, for instance. But, regardless of the activity, present yourself well within that context. Wear clothes that fit well (Swim in a pool, not your clothes.) and strive to dress on the better end of appropriate wear for the planned activity. Better to be one of the best-dressed people present than one of the worst.
Depending on the level of confidence you have in the potential viability of the connection, you can tweak your wardrobe accordingly by dialing it up or down. When I went to Santa Fe to visit Isaac, who I have strong chemistry with, I wore a dress that was both low-cut and had high slits, inviting the chemistry to smolder over the course of the day. More recently, on a date I had good feelings about but wasn’t certain, I wore a minidress that showed off my legs and was low cut but wasn’t body-hugging. A few months ago on a date where I wasn’t optimistic, I dressed nicely, but not in a way to channel my sex appeal.
Start with well-fitting clothes and nice shoes, then tweak your wardrobe accordingly from there. For women, dialing it up can look like something that is body-hugging or reveals more skin (e.g., low-cut or a mini). Heels can also dial up an outift. For men, a stylish pair of shoes and a button-down shirt are a classic fashion statement, unbutton a button or two to loosen up if appropriate.
Body Language
Your body language can send messaging that either encourages or discourages romantic connection.
Eye Contact
Sustained eye contact invites connection. It’s intimate rather than avoidant. Intimacy is a potent ingredient in establishing chemistry. Sustained eye contact is like adding fuel starter to the kindling and firewood. Dodging sustained eye contact is likewise dodging connection.
Pair that sustained eye contact with a seductive smile, and who knows what sparks might fly?
Body Positioning
How you position your body can either invite or dissuade connection. If your body is open and turned toward your date, it’s inviting. Leaning in further invites connection.
In the photo, note that both of their bodies are leaning in. She’s looking at him and smiling in an inviting way. They’re physically touching, but only their hands–more on that later. It could be a first date, or they could be in a committed relationship. Regardless, we see connection and chemistry.
Conversely, if your body is turned away from your date, you’re visually shutting them out. Crossing your arms can also send that messaging. Be aware of how you’re holding your body to make sure that the messaging you’re sending with your body language matches your intent.
If you want to encourage connection, physical proximity will help further that. The more physical distance there is to close, the more you emotionally distance yourself as well. If you’re seated on a bench or sofa and want to encourage connection, scoot closer to them. Better yet, make sure your bodies have points of connection, such as thighs and arms.
When Damon and I went out for a drink after dinner, rather than sit across from me, he came around to the same side of the table as me for physical proximity. It was our first date, but there was plenty of physical connection and chemistry.
This photo is a good illustration of what it might look like when a couple is getting to know each other and it’s going well. They have some physical reserve, but they’re also attentive to each other; they seem comfortable; their bodies are turned toward each other; and their bodies have points of connection, including his arm around her, their torsos, and their thighs.
Carriage and Movement
How you hold and move your body can be seductive…or not. Pay attention to the people around you–how they hold their bodies and how they move. Make note of what makes a person’s carriage attractive. Likewise note the body movement of people, of both genders, who you find confident and attractive. This will not only give you insight into what you find attractive, but also how you can potentially modify your carriage and gait to attract based on a model of what works.
Confidence, as long as it doesn’t bleed into arrogance, is an attractive quality. To project confidence with your body, stand tall–regardless of whether you’re 5’5″ or 6’5″–and own all of your vertical. Slouching isn’t physically attractive.
Years ago, I had a coworker who was very pretty and shapely–she could’ve been a knockout, but she not only slouched, she also waddled with her feet pointed out, not forward. Somewhat penguinish. Rather than projecting pride in her appearance, she projected a couldn’t-be-bothered slovenly attitude. Do yourself better. Have an awareness of how you hold your body and move in space. Stand tall, shoulders back and down. Stand and move with intention.
Women
My freshman year of high school, I was voted to have the “best walk”. A couple of years later, I went to modelling school, where we spent a lot of time working on how to walk the runway and pose during a photo shoot. We learned poise and grace. When I walk, I’m not just projecting myself forward, I make full use of my female hips which are made to swing. No need to exaggerate the hip movement, just fully engage them.
To fully channel your female prowess, try walking by putting one foot in front of the other to support your hip motion, as if you’re walking on a balance beam. Watch a few minutes of the Tony Ward Couture Spring Summer 2026 runway show to study how the female models do just that. Their movements aren’t exagerated, but poised, confident, and intentional. Try walking into a room like that, and you may find yourself the recipient of admiring attention. I’m 55, and I still turn heads.
I notice other people’s carriage and movement, whether I’m walking on the trail, out on the town, or at work. Everyone has their own distinctive carriage and walk. One woman I know and enjoy watching is Muslim. She dresses modestly– long sleeves, long pants, hijab–yet despite her well-covered body, she has a discernable sweet swishy walk that makes me smile.
Conversely, I know a woman with a vertically bouncy walk who leans forward, moving earnestly and quickly. The combination is reminiscent of a hen. She’s a lovely person, but the way she carries herself and moves probably isn’t going to lure anyone in.
How do you move your body in space? If you’re unsure, start paying attention.
Men
Men should also stand tall and project confidence, but men’s hips are different from women’s, so, fittingly, your walk looks different. An attractive walk for a man is for your legs to move straight forward as if on a track. If an attractive woman walk is akin to being on a balance beam, a male walk would be like walking on two parallel balance beams.
How do you move your body in space? If you’re not sure, start paying attention. Do you already embody the aformentioned leg and shoulder movements? If not, consider trying it out. Have fun with it. See what attention you can get. It’s neither too late for us to further refine ourselves, nor for us to play. See what happens when you walk into a room with a walk that exudes confidence. Or maybe you already know?
Physical Touch
There are many levels of physical touch, but even simple phyical contact–putting your hand on theirs and lightly squeezing their hand–can help ignite a spark of chemistry if the ingredients for connection are present. Combine that physical touch with sustained eye contact and a smile, and it becomes exponentially more effective.
You probably aren’t going to jump right into a kiss or coitus as your initial physical contact. The physical contact you do or don’t have will will help you discern whether or not to go further down the road or to take an off-ramp. As you explore physical contact, make sure to read and respect the signage you’re receiving from your date. Is the messaging you’re getting encouraging, discouraging, or neutral? Respect the messaging. If you’re getting signs that your touch is welcome, continue to explore.
If you’re not getting the green light, then back off. And if you’re not sure, proceed carefully and don’t be overly touchy.
On our first date, CJ explored physical touch by first putting his hand on mine at the bar, smiling with eye contact. I smiled in return, maintaining eye contact. Next, he explored by putting his hand on my thigh. I continued to give him encouragement with continued smiling, eye contact, and briefly patting his thigh. When we left the bar, his arm was around my waist. Not long after, he confidently pulled me in for a welcomed kiss.
At any point, I could have discouraged him by pulling my hand away, moving my thigh away from him, or brushing away his hand. Alternatively, I could have encouraged him even further by leaning into him, putting my hand on his and lightly patting or squeezing it, or putting my hand on his thigh for more prolonged contact.
Other early exploratory touch might include:
offering or reaching for their hand to hold
offering your arm or putting your arm through theirs
If the signalling is good, you can:
sit next to each other in a way that you’re leaning into each other, arm around, thighs touching
a light stroke of their cheek with a finger, thumb, back of your hand
lightly trace your fingers along their arm, back, shoulder, thigh
And if you’re giving each other the green light, you get to navigate together where you want to go from there. Have fun!
Verbal Banter
Good verbal banter fosters connection, and a good sense of humor is downright seductive. Someone who makes you laugh is both precious and intoxicating.
Getting to Know Someone
When getting to know someone, summon your curiosities, interests, and listening skills. Ask them about themselves and listen to their answers. Don’t interrupt, but if you make a connection offer it–“I’ve been to Puerto Rico too–I love Old San Juan. Did you try mofongo?” See where your conversation winds.
You should both give to the conversation, and you should both listen to each other. Think about conversation like a game of tennis–there’s the verbal serve; then the ball/conversational return; keep the verbal ball in the air, going back and forth. Done right, it can lead to a better kind of love and play than in the game of tennis.
Years ago, I went out with a man who told me, “Some people think I’m quiet, but really I’m just a good listener.” That was his narrative, but from my perspective, he really didn’t have much to say. The chemistry flatlined, because he didn’t bring anything of interest to the conversation. Be a good listener, but channel your interesting curious self. Be curious about the world and the people in it, most especially your date. And be interesting enough that they’re curious about you.
Storytell
Practice good storytelling to support your end of the conversation. Find the narrative arcs in your life: the recurring themes, the character growth, the setbacks, the triumphs, and most importantly–the humor! Embarrassing, painful, uncomfortable, annoying events can with time become the fodder for great stories. Further, by opening yourself to them, you invite them in.
Search out their stories too. Open your books to each other and enjoy the reading. If you get the chemistry going, you can write some new chapters together.
Humor
Find the humor in situations. Laugh at the crazy things–life certainly throws plenty of crazy at us. Find the fun and the funny. Being able to laugh with someone fosters connection. You can also flirt with humor.
Almost any verbal banter can be turned into flirtatious banter. How far you take that flirtation should be in tandem with where you are in relationship–light flirtatious banter will suit on a first date; heavily sexualized banter should be postponed until you arrive at the appopriate place.
You can practice flirtatious banter by taking a random sentence and trying to flip it into flirtation. A writer who I was involved with was once talking about active verbs, and I said, “I’ll activate your verb.” We both laughed. It was sexually flirtatious, but it was also funny and nonsensical.
For example:
Talking about hiking? “I’d take a long hike with you,” “Want to take a hike together?” or “I’ll hike your mountain.”
Long’s Peak? “I’ll peak your Long”
Music? “I think we can make good music together,” “I’ll strum your guitar,” or “I’ll blow your saxophone.”
Lady Gaga’s Always Remember Us This Way? “Let’s make something to always remember” or “I’ll give you something to always remember…”
Cars? “You can tinker with my engine.” or “You can take me for a test drive.“
Tone matters. Deliver it straight, with eye contact and a a smile. Play with metaphors, but keep in mind that some metaphors will work better for men’s anatomy and some will work better with women’s–Long’s Peak is definitely for flirting with a man.
Try some of your own. Open a book randomly and find a way to flip a sentence into flirtation–either lightly flirtatious or more suggestive. It doesn’t have to make sense, being silly is part of the fun.
Emojis
Emojis can help add a flirtatious note when the conversation is via texting. The emojis I use the most in this context tend to be the wink emoji and the blushing smiling emoji. The wink is encouraging, the blushing smiling shows appreciation and warmth. I reserve the use of the blowing kiss emoji for when I solidly know I’m into a man, for to my mind it’s not just blowing a kiss, but sending love.
I tend not to use fruit and vegetable emojis in sexual flirtation, because it seems unimaginative. Better to be creative and playful in metaphors (as discussed above) than to be a produce hack.
Tuning In
Connection can’t be sparked if you’re not plugged in. Put your phone down, or put it away altogether. Sustain eye contact. Ears tuned into what your date’s saying. Focus. Your date should be the center of your attention, and they should feel that they are.
Alcohol
Alcohol can serve as a social lubricant, letting you relax into connection. On our first date, CJ and I started at a coffee shop, then strolled around Sioux Falls downtown for a while before stopping at a bar. Having a cocktail together relaxed us, helping to shift our energy into a better zone for chemistry. After all, alcohol is a combustible.
That said, you don’t want to get plastered on a first date–that’s tacky. It’s also unsafe. Don’t drink so much that you don’t have a strong command of your faculties as you’re getting to know someone.
Final Thoughts
Chemistry between two people is at times ineffable. Sometimes it’s undeniable and inescapable. Sometimes there’s nothing that can help it happen between two people. And sometimes, when compatibility and connection exist, a little flirtation can help it along.
When you think or know you’ve met such a person, help fan the flames with flirtation. Measure the flirtation in proportion to your level of interest and the messaging you’re getting.
If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.
To truly open yourself to love requires emotional vulnerability: taking an emotional chance on someone, investing your feelings with them knowing that there’s a possibility, that in doing so, you might get hurt. We know this, yet we take that chance. We take that chance because human connection, Love, is the most precious part of being human. Opening your heart to someone, to the possibility of Love, is a brave Hope move. Witnessing the preciousness of another human being, and the feeling of being precious in their eyes, is worth that risk. But it is a risk. And sometimes that risk ends in hurt and disappointment if the connection is broken off.
That recently happened to me.
We can’t avoid the fallout when it happens, nor should we try, but we can be intentional about managing our disappointment and hurt feelings. Here’s my attempt to do so.
The Draw
My connection with Jon is the best new possibility that I’ve had in quite a while. We had enough common ground to make us compatible and enough differences to make it interesting. We had a comfortable, but fun and flirty banter. Any awkwardness was inviting, not unsettling. Our connection was intellectually stimulating. And not insignificantly, he made me laugh. Unlike some of my other recent connections, I liked him enough to actively flirt and encourage him, adding momentum to the connection on my end.
He also showed up regularly, giving our connection further momentum. We’re separated by distance, but we communicated in some form–text, phone call, FaceTime–almost daily for a couple of months. We were getting to know each other, opening our lives to each other. And as I learned Jon, I continued to want to learn him better. I started to care about him.
The Drawback
But, of course, for all the draw of the connection, each connection has its drawbacks too, that’s the nature of our flawed humanity.
The Veiled Truth
Jon is somewhat guarded. He has a way of saying something in a roundabout way so that I wasn’t always totally clear on what he was saying–a funny thing in a writer. And he’s a good writer, thus his lack of straightforwardness, his choice of words, is intentional. It was as if there was a veil over much of what he shared–I could make out the shape of what he was saying, but the full picture was obscured, purposefully so.
Or sometimes he’d tell me a generality about himself without filling in the details, leaving his full truth murky even as he revealed himself. So, he doesn’t let people in quickly. Fair, I thought; trust is earned. As long as we continued to explore our connection, I expected he’d reveal more of himself, as happens in all relationships. His reveal, the lifting of the veil, was just a little slower than most.
Our Digital Nature
Due to geographical distance, our interactions were via technology. He said, “I’ve never had a digital relationship.” I made clear that I wasn’t looking for a purely digital relationship, that it was a means of getting to know each other as we discerned whether we wanted to close the distance with an in-person rendezvous.
As we got to know each other better, I deemed him plane-worthy. I threw out the idea of planning a rendezvous if/when he was interested in doing so. He was hesitant, as someone who’s naturally guarded would be…
The Denouement
I saw the end coming. Within a week he went from tossing out the word “love” (in a roundabout way, of course) to fewer and briefer texts–no phone calls or FaceTimes. Knowing that he’d been going through a lot, I gave him some grace, but when I texted, “How are you?” and he responded, “Great!” I knew whether or not his response was honest (I suspected it was somewhat disingenuous.), that was it. He wasn’t just going through something, the momentum had shifted.
As a week or more went by with no communication, it further clarified the ending. Admittedly, I was depressed about it. To his credit, he did finally call because, as he said, “I didn’t want to be an asshole and ghost you.” He certainly waited long enough for me to get the idea before he called, but Jon isn’t an asshole. I never thought he was, or I wouldn’t have liked him so much, and the fallout wouldn’t have been as hard.
Dealing with the Disappointment
While the denouement of our connection was disappointing, I wasn’t blindsided. I was mindful of Jon’s issues, and I noticed the shift in communication. This awareness served to keep my eyes open to our current reality as it evolved. Though the fallout still hurt, the blow of it was lessened somewhat because I saw it coming. Keep this in mind in your own experience--by truthing out the reality of your connection as it evolves over time, you’re more emotionally prepared for any disappointments.
Beware Hope
It’s possible that I could hear from Jon again, sometimes things like that happen. I’ve had that happen with other men, but I can’t invest any hope that will happen with Jon. And even if he does show up in my future, I can’t expect his guarded nature to change. I must accept this conclusion to our connection.
Honor Your Feelings
For the better part of a week, I was depressed as I processed the fallout of our connection. Functional, but sad. We hadn’t been connected for an extended amount of time, we’d never defined our connection as an exclusive relationship, we’d never met, but I’d grown fond of him. I had hope for us. I don’t invest Hope easily these days, and letting go of that hope and connection was hard. And while it was the lost hope of Jon in the specific, it was also the generalized hurt of being let down by so many men across time. The truth is I felt like I needed to cry a little, but the tears weren’t there.
It’s healthy to allow yourself to feel your feelings honestly and without suppresion, even when it’s hard. So, I allowed myself to feel–to grieve as much as I needed to while moving forward as much as I could. And in this emotional space, I watched a video of artist Marina Abramovic performing The Artist is Present, a piece where she’d sit across from complete strangers in silence, with eye contact, for a full minute. In the video, Ulay, her former lover and collaborator, shows up and sits down across from her. Witnessing the emotional intensity of their connection, my tears finally came.
Walk it Out
Physical movement helps me work through strong emotions. The day I told my ex to move out, I went for a long walk with a friend to process the situation. During the divorce, when I was angry, I’d go for a run and pound out my anger on the pavement, my legs like pestle to the sidewalk’s mortar. Whether a calming walk or a more intense physical activity, physical movement can give you space to process emotions, as well as a physical outlet for them. And research shows thatphysical exercise has mental health benefits.
These days, I’m an avid walker–I usually walk four to six miles a day at a minimum. It’s an important part of my routine for both my physical and mental health. Walking with what’s on my mind and in my heart helps me process whatever’s preoccupying me. I take a little notebook with me when I walk so I can record any helpful insights I have.
As long as the weather’s nice, walking is also time I can spend outside in nature. Nature soothes some of my emotional turbulence–there’s a reason forest bathing is a thing. Nature also touches on the spiritual, something bigger than ourselves. It’s no surprise that spending time in nature is linked to better mental health.
Further, I like the simplictiy of walking. It doesn’t require any special equipment except comfortable clothes and a decent pair of sneakers. I don’t have to drive anywhere; I can just step outside my door and keep going. But, if walking isn’t your thing, you can do a form of exercise that makes sense to you. Whatever that physical workout is, you can use it to do double duty and help work out those emotionally tricky spaces as well.
Write it Out
Writing out my feelings and thoughts helps me sort through my internal processes by externalizing them. Years ago, writing it out might have looked like a journal entry. These days, it might look like a blog post (case in point) or an essay. But sometimes it’s as simple as a Word document to record and acknowledge my internal struggle. Often those notes in my walking notebook show up in a Word document or a blog post later. Notes about processing the fallout with Jon have shown up in that walking notebook, a Word document, and now this blog post.
If you have words to express to another person and exorcise from your psyche, your writing could even take the form of a letter. And just because your write a letter, doesn’t mean you need to send it. You can write it to someone but for yourself. If sending it’s a bad karma move, then after you write it, burn it, archive it, or read it to your therapist or a friend. Depending on the intensity of your feelings and the relationship, you could even elevate the letter burning into a healing ceremony.
Talk it Out
On a particularly down day, I called my friend Jen. She’s a long-standing friend who I know genuinely cares about my well-being. I knew that I could unburden myself with her safely. It wasn’t a long conversation, but it allowed me to be heard and feel seen.
Importantly, Jen is someone who’ll listen without feeling the need to give advice or to try and put a positive spin on my situation. I can trust her to see my reality regardless of whether it contains sunshine or darkness. She’s comfortable with that level of authenticity. Talking to someone can help you feel less alone when you’re hurting, but make sure to choose someone who can authentically see you where you are without judgment, spin, avoidance, or advice(unless asked for). Those are the true friends.
Of course, the next time I see my therapist, I’ll go over my emotional and mental state with him as well. I don’t go to my therapist for advice, but insights. I want help expanding my thought process. When I go to therapy, I take notes. If I’m particularly troubled, sometimes I even write things out on a Word Document before a session to read to him later. I haven’t done this regarding Jon, but I do have a Word document where I record important parts of conversations with my therapist. I always take my laptop to therapy. In this way, any insights don’t evaporate into the air when I leave, but I have the opportunity to revisit them later.
Clean
Cleaning can be therapeutic. Lately, I’ve put some additional energy into mopping, organizing, and donating/throwing out clutter. The results are visible, thus rewarding, giving a sense of accomplishment.
Interestingly, houses have a loaded symbolism in the dream realm. They can represent anything from childhood and family to your own physical body or mental state, the latter being Jungian in nature. You ARE the house. The basement represents the most dark recesses of your psyche. Cleaning house can be therapeutic on a literal level, but it also hints at deeper meanings, reaching into, excavating, and cleansing aspects of your psyche.
Indulge in Things You Enjoy
While I don’t evade my feelings, I do sometimes need distraction from them. To that end, I make sure to participate in activities I enjoy. That doesn’t dissipate any sadness, but it does help counterbalance negative feelings to avoid sinking into them. Often that looks like Happy Hour at my favorite sushi place, where the bartenders know my drink on sight. In the fallout of Jon, I’ve also found myself indulging in binge watching films on the Criterion Channel (lots of film noir).
Art and travel are two other activities that feed my soul. When Jon faded out midsummer, I still had time for a getaway to lift my spirits before school started. I booked a hotel room in Kansas City to get a change of scenery, to take myself out for a nice dinner, and to visit the Nelson-Atkins Art Museum before resuming my routine. A positive distraction and final summer hurrah. Having something to look forward to on my calendar helps buoy my spirits. As part of that, I always try to have a next trip planned or in the planning stage.
Maybe you have a creative outlet–music, wordworking, painting, photography, etc.? Or maybe a physical outlet–rock climbing, bike racing, triathlon, basketball, soccer? Whatever feeds your soul, give it space so you don’t hunger.
Move Forward as You’re Ready
The length of time and depth of connection affects your readiness to move forward. David and I were in relationship for only a few months, yet I grieved the connection for several months. Stanley and I were involved for four years, but I grieved the connection only a couple of weeks–mostly because I grieved our relationship while I was still in it. I broke it off with Stanley five times in the final year of our relationship, slowly letting go of us over time. By the time our ending stuck, I was ready to move forward. With Jon, who I’d had regular communication but never met, I was ready to move forward by the end of the week.
Being ready to move forward didn’t mean that my sadness and disappointment were gone, just that my heart was available and open to the right man. Honestly, I haven’t put much energy into dating apps in the last year as I’ve had enough going on without them. With the fallout of Jon however, I’ve devoted more energy and time to Match than I enjoy (which these days looks a lot like hiding phony profiles), with the hope that it’ll lead me to my next good connection. After getting past the original disappointment, it energized me. If not Jon, then who? I only need one good connection to work out. So, for now, I’m putting effort into looking for that man.
Sometimes I have energy to put into the search for a romantic partner and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I’m emotionally available and sometimes I’m not. I go through phases, depending on my current emotional status and what’s happening in my life. And that’s normal. Read where you’re at emotionally, honor it, and move forward as you’re ready.
Final Thoughts
While writing this post has been a good therapeutic exercise for me, by sharing it in this space, my hope is that you find some useful takeaways. Disappointments happen. Life is full of obstacles. We can’t just brush the obstacles aside. Somehow, we must find our way around or through them.
If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.
As we go forth in the world, ideally we’re authentically putting the best versions of ourselves out there, or at least the best version that we can muster at any given time. In dating, being our best helps us attract better potential mates. In other relationships, it invites respect, appreciation, and grace. It also invites self-respect. As part of being your best you, I invite you to consider how important it is that we don’t assume things about people. Ideally, people won’t assume things about us either.
Admittedly, it is a HUGE pet peeve of mine when people falsely assume things about me. I’m forthright and authentic. I don’t play games, try to manipulate, or have ulterior motives. I’m an empath with strong communication skills. Because of these qualities, when someone assumes something different about me than what I intend, do, say, or am, I find it maddeningly frustrating.
Perhaps, that’s happened to you? Let’s be better than that on our end. By seeing people for who they truly are, we can engage with the world more authentically–with our eyes open.
What Making Assumptions Looks Like
I remember feeling frustrated in my marriage when my ex would assume untruths about me. Enough time has passed that I don’t remember specific incidents, but there was a common pattern–I’d do something with good intentions, and my ex would construct a completely different narrative and motivation for my actions. His explanation wouldn’t match my truth, but it would match the surface actions. And, instead of assuming the best motive for my behavior, he repeatedly chose to assume the worst about me. Again, it’s maddeningly frustrating when you’re trying to be your best, and someone chooses to assume the worst.
J
A couple of years ago, my friend J retired and toyed with the idea of moving to Maine. Years prior, I’d talked with a man who relocated to Maine after his divorce but was miserable there, finding it cold, dark, and tribal. I thought this worth mentioning to J for him to factor in to his decision making.
When I expressed this to J, he responded, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.”
This took me aback. Now, that potentially matched my words and actions if I was trying to be selfish and manipulative, but it was not my truth. And it was deeply disturbing to have my friend of a quarter of a century assume the worst motive for my behavior rather than my true intention, of simply offering him a think-about when making his decision.
R
I was spending a long weekend with R when the first assassination attempt on Trump happened. Though our politics largely align, he’s British, and the drama of the attempt brought out all the things he dislikes about America and Americans–gun violence; divisive politics; loud obnoxious behavior; etc. And with this, he reduced me from a multi-dimensional individual to a one-dimensional cliché. Americans are loud; I’m American, therefore, ipso facto, I must be loud.
At one point over dinner, he verbally attacked me. We were discussing women in Iran and headscarves, when he cut me off and shot me down, firing, “Have you been to Iran? Do you know any Iranian women? If not, you have no right to talk about women in Iran.”
My point was that a woman should have the right to choose or reject the headscarf. He didn’t even hear what I was trying to say, declaring that I had no right to say it. Ironically, he did what the Iranian regime did–denying the voice of woman.
The very next night, the topic came up again and it was clear that he misunderstood what I tried to say (because he didn’t listen). When I clarified what I’d been trying to say, he gave himself a little slap on the back of his hand. Such a charmer.
The Youtube Comment
One of my videos on the importance of representing yourself Authentically received the following comment:
What motivated this video? Let me guess you rejected a bunch of ugly dudes and then got upset that the handsome man you chose was an ugly dude who catfished you.
The comment’s author doesn’t know me, nor my story. Note the use of the phrase, “Let me guess…,” an admission of not knowing, but of assuming.
As an Academic Interventionist, I work with students who are struggling to learn to read. One of the most basic things I teach them is not to guess, to break them of the habit of impulsivity. I teach them to slow down and use information (in the case of reading this is things like letters and words) and strategies to find the right answer. I do metacognition with students as young as five. Surely, as adults we can be better than guessing. Even my Kindergarteners know that guessing isn’t going to get you the right answer. If so, 2+2 could equal 5.
Jack Ashe’s Ilk (or: You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know)
You don’t know what you don’t know about people. Before I met R, I spent hours on the phone with him. I had no reason to think he was an asshole, and yet that’s what I was confronted with on our weekend together.
So far, all our examples are of people making negative assumptions, but beware of making positive assumptions about people as well. Trust and respect are earned over time with words and actions. Don’t give either away too easily. I learned this lesson long ago.
Jack Ashe was to all appearances a successful businesman. That’s certainly how he presented himself. And wouldn’t it be great if everyone represented themselves authentically? But, as those of who’ve spent any time on a dating platlform know, that’s often not the case. And so it was with Jack Ashe.
There were some odd things about Jack Ashe that didn’t add up–If he was a successful businessman, why didn’t he have a more visible digital footprint? His name sounded kind of funny too. When my suspicions grew, I did a deep digital dive and discovered he’d lied about his name, among other things. There was also that video of a local investigative reporter doing a story about him scamming people.
The takeaway? Don’t assume someone is good, kind, or even who they say they are. Discern the truth of who people are with information, time, and observation.
Seeing People for Who They Are
People are always giving us information about who they are, and it’s up to us to use that information to see them clearly. They give us information in the form of words and actions. Sometimes they represent themselves accurately; sometimes they don’t. It’s up to us to notice if their words and actions don’t match–that’s problematic, but that’s information too.
If someone doesn’t say much, that’s also information. Perhaps they’re quiet, reflective, don’t know what to say, have something to hide, or are guarded about giving out information too readily–all very different potential reasons for the same behavior. It’s up to you to to learn them and see them better with further observation, should you choose to do so.
Before Going on a Date, Do an Online Search
In a dating scenario, it’s a good idea to gather your own infomation to match it against who they say they are before meeting up with them. Do an internet search as a background check on potential dates to see if the online information about them matches how they represent themselves.
If there isn’t much information about them online that’s an orange flag–something to pay attention to. There could be a very innocuous reason such as they have a common name or share a name with a famous person. If that’s plausible, try finding them on social media or through their professional website.
Alternatively, if you’re really having trouble finding anything about them, it could mean they have something to hide–such as in the case of Jack Ashe. It’s up to you to gather enough information to discern more clearly.
Observe and Listen
Pay attention to the information people are giving you with their words and actions. Carefully attend to what they do and say. Make sure that their words and actions match.
Observe their behavior. Even early on, you can learn a lot from watching someone’s behavior. Are they giving you their focus? Are they distracted by their phone? Do they give the attractive person who walks by the table the lookover right in front of you? Is their body language open or closed-off? Their behavior gives you a lot of information.
Practice being a good listener, giving them ample time to communicate. Keep up your end of the conversation, but don’t interrupt or talk over people. Instead, be careful to let them finish before you respond. If R had done this, he wouldn’t have had to slap himself on the back of the hand the next day. Not that he cared.
Ask, Don’t Tell
My friend J thought I had an ulterior motive for telling him about the guy who was miserable living in Maine. He said, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.” He told me my intentions–he didn’t ask; he told. And he was wrong. He failed to see me.
If you want to know, Ask.
I’ve known Chris for several years. Much of the time that I’ve known him, he’s been in a relationship. One night, he came over for drinks, and he wasn’t seeing anyone. We started talking about dating and relationships, and I inquired, “You’re a relationship guy, aren’t you? A lot of the information I knew about him over time indicated that he was a relationship guy (preferring to be in a relationship than not), but rather than saying it as a statement, I posed it as a question. By framing it as a question, I was giving him the opportunity to correct and clarify his point of view, in case I was getting it wrong.
Recognize that There can be Different Explanations for the Same Behavior
Sometimes someone’s behavior and words make their intentions clear, like when R verbally attacked me. There was no nuance, he was quite clearly being an asshole. But often, there can be more than one explanation to match someone’s words/behavior, such as the mismatch between J’s assumption about my motivation and my true intent. For this reason, be careful not to jump to conclusions about someone’s motivations when there might be an alternative explanation for their words and behavior. Don’t be quick to assume the worst about someone. Again, if you’re not sure, Ask.
Discern Over Time
The longer you know someone, the better you can discern them. You’ll continue to learn more information about them, which helps you see who they are with more clarity, but it’s up to you to develop that picture in focus. Despite knowing me for a quarter of a century, something obscured J’s vision about me.
When Someone Assumes Something About You
The more authentic and forthright you are, the less likely people are to assume things erroneously. Yet, despite your best efforts to communicate authentically and clearly who you are, someone, someday, will likely assume an untruth about you. So, how to handle the situation when that happens?
Call Them Out…
If someone assumes something erroneous about you, it’s fair game to call them out. Do so civilly, but assertively. If they’re getting it wrong, you’re entitled to correct them. However, that correction doesn’t mean that you need to prove anything. Don’t let their misassumptions put you on the defense. Correct them, and leave it at that. It’s their choice whether or not they care to see you with accuracy or be blind to who you are. And if they choose the latter, that gives you more information about the kind of person they are.
…or Leave Them in the Dark
If it’s not worth it or that important to correct, you can choose to leave them in the dark. That leaves you with the secret knowledge of your truth, while they remain misinformed because of their own assumptions. I’ve done that with Isaac in the past when he underestimated me, and I didn’t feel the need to prove anything to him. To his credit, he’s learned me better over the years by paying attention.
Final Thoughts
By making the effort to pay attention to the information people are giving you through their words and actions, you’re doing the work of trying to see people authentically. This not only honors others, but it allows you to go forth in the world with your eyes open, seeing the fuller reality.
As you go forth witnessing people for who they truly are, remember that no one has the right to tell you your truth. That belongs to you. It’s up to you to do your best to communicate your truth with your words and actions, but no one gets to tell you who you are–you’re the only person who gets to determine that. Do so thoughtfully.
If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.
A big hurdle in dating is simply finding someone you enjoy and are physically attracted to. When you do find a special someone, the two of you create a new shared space, a Relationship Dynamic, which is much more than the sum of two individuals. How you feel within that Relationship Dynamic largely determines your experience in the relationship. As a result, when discerning a potential mate, how you feel in that Relationship Dynamic is worth paying attention to.
There are all kinds of reasons for relationships not to work out even when there are two mutually interested parties who’d like to make it work. With time and experience, I’ve learned to pay attention to how I feel in the shared space of relationship with a man, whether it’s a first date or an exclusive relationship. How I feel in that shared space is of vital importance. And how you feel matters too.
At this point in my life, I’ve come into my own. I know my worth. If a man doesn’t treat me with the respect and consideration that I deserve, he won’t be around for long. I have no desire for veneration (I’ve been put on a pedestal before, that’s not where I want to live); I simply want to be treated with the same lovingkindness I offer a beloved–to feel appreciated, respected, loved, and cherished. For Love isn’t just a word you say, it’s an action you demonstrate.
Some Bad Examples
I’ve dated and been in relationships with men who I liked, though I didn’t like the way I felt in relationship with them. Remember how Kristin Wiig’s character felt about Jon Hamm’s character in Bridesmaids? She really liked him, but she wanted more from the relationship than he did. And as much as she liked him, he didn’t treat her well. In the end, she recognized that.
Edward
Edward and I spent several hours over several days on the phone before meeting. We were getting along well, and I was excited about the possibility of him. For our first date, he drove to Milwaukee, where I was staying with a friend. Our chemistry was good. By the end of the date, he extended an invitation for me to cut my time in Milwaukee short and come stay with him in Chicago. A few days later, I took him up on his offer.
The chemistry was more awkward in Chicago, but Edward also had a lot going on. He was still moving into his new home, and on top of my presence, he had a lot of domestic projects to attend to. I did my best to be helpful and enjoy our time together as I discerned whether I fit into his picture.
Then came a clarifying night. We went out for dinner and drinks with his daughter and his friend Lucy. It was as if I was invisible. He barely registered my presence all night. It was clear to me that he was in love with Lucy, even though she was married. And I wasn’t going to tolerate being the next best option.
Stanley
I recognized and rejected being second place in Edward’s world quickly. That was partly due to my experience with Stanley, who I dated four years. We had a lot of potential together–we had fun; we were compatible; we had good chemistry. That’s a lot, but ultimately it wasn’t enough, because Stanley never made a clean break from his ex, whose shadow I inhabited throughout our relationship.
When we were in a relationship valley, Stanley sometimes said, “You look/sound miserable.” Martyr that I was at the time, I downplayed it–but he wasn’t wrong. As compatible as we may have been, his co-dependent relationship with his ex undermined any potential we had. It wasn’t just about our issues, but the issues caused by her omnipresence in our relationship, which frankly, were most of our issues.
Admittedly, it felt gross. It was a toxic situation, causing me significant pain and anxiety. I tried to make him happy and do what I could to help the relationship be successful, and he let me do the work. It certainly made it easier on him; I was tolerating the intolerable, and he got a temporary pass.
Every relationship has its ups and downs, but if misery is part of the normal of your relationship, why stay? Ultimately, I didn’t. I left because I realized that I didn’t like how I felt in the relationship. It’s unfortunate that it took me four years to learn my worth and that I deserved better, but at least I learned the lesson. Stanley wasn’t able to honor me adequately, so it was up to me to honor myself. By remaining where you’re mistreated, you’re doing yourself a disservice. We all deserve to be treated with honor and respect in relationship, as long as we’re able to offer the same.
Unhealthy Patterns
The work of relationship was also lopsided in my marriage. In both relationships, I was with a partner who didn’t work to take care of me, of us, and the mutual space we created in relationship. I worked to help the relationships be successful, and they took advantage of my willingness to do the work. But a healthy relationship is two partners working together to take care of and do right by each other. It’s a mutual effort, not a lopsided one.
A younger version of myself brought my personal insecurities into my relationships. I didn’t advocate strongly enough for myself. I hoped to be treated right as a matter of course. Importantly, my relationship with Stanley taught me to stand up for myself. Now, I don’t hope, but rather expect to be treated with respect.
Kate
My friend Kate has had a couple of beaus who were flakes. She enjoyed their company, but when they made plans, she couldn’t reliably count on them to show up. They didn’t make her feel like she was a priority. And, of course, she didn’t like the way that felt. While that hurt, eventually she realized that she deserved better.
Breaking with Pattern: Some Good Examples
There was a lot of emotional drama in both my marriage and my relationship with Stanley. I don’t like drama, and the roller-coaster of emotions in those relationships caused me significant stress. By serendipity, the first two men I dated after Stanley were pilots. Pilots, by professional necessity, must manifest a steadiness and calm. They both did, and I liked how the emotional calm of our shared space felt. Further, after a relationship with a man who was codependent with his ex, I liked the way I felt with retired test pilot CJ, whose gaze made me feel like I was the only woman alive.
That’s how David made me feel too. The mutual space of relationship that we created was a sacred and beautiful thing. It was sexy, intellectual, loving, adventurous, expansive, and supportive. It was everything I’d imagined a relationship could be. Everything I’d hoped for in a relationship.
While my relationships with CJ and David ultimately didn’t last, they taught me how I want to feel and how I deserve to feel in relationship. And I see such relationships among my beloveds–Michele and Mike; Jon and Emilia. Their relationships manifest lovingkindness, a supportive partnership, and fun. Their relationships have bumps, of course, but the mutual love and respect at the foundation of their relationships situates them strongly for riding out any turbulence. I aspire to such a relationship, and I want no less in a relationship.
As for my friend Kate, she’s moved on from flaky beaus. Recently, when a guy exhibited the same flaky behavior, she shut the situation down. She now knows her worth, and she’ll no longer settle for a man who doesn’t treat her accordingly.
Your Relationship History
It’s worth looking back on your own relationship history and doing a Relationship Autopsy to reflect on how you’ve felt in different relationships. This can help you determine if you have any patterns to address in your behavior or if you have any unhealthy patterns in your relationships that you want to avoid going forward. It can also help you recognize partners and relationships that were healthy and where you felt good.
How You Feel
So, while physical attraction and compatibility are important components of a relationship, how you feel in relationship is of profound importance as it’s the context you choose to live in and determines your experience. And you can begin to discern this from your initial interaction with a potential match. All you have to do is pay attention to how they are treating you and how you feel with them.
Things to consider when evaluating how you feel with them:
Pay attention to how you feel both in their presence and their absence.
Yes, pay attention to how you feel in their absence too. I said this to my friend Evan, and he was reminded of a woman who he was drawn to and whose company was enticing to him, yet as soon as they parted, he always felt an emotional crash. Something about their dynamic failed to sustain once he left her presence. With David, I felt the warmth of relationship both in his presence and in the in-between spaces. It was only the end of our relationship that caused me grief and pain.
Things to consider when you’re apart:
Are they touching base in some regular way (e.g., texting daily)? Are you?
Are you both maintaining some healthy independence while exploring a shared relationship space?
If you’re dating exclusively, do you trust them? If not, why? If you have suspicions, are they reasonable?
What does your gut tell you?
Your Role
The caveat to all of this is that you also need to consider your role in the shared space of relationship. If you expect to be treated with lovingkindness and consideration, you must be able to offer the same. If you want them to reach out regularly, make sure you do as well. And if you’re feeling neglected, make sure it isn’t because you’re being emotionally needy.
Final Thoughts
If you’re in relationship or dating someone who you feel good with, that’s precious.
If you aren’t liking the way you feel, is it due to your own insecurities and anxiety, or is it because of some action or character trait of theirs? It’s our responsibility to keep in check any unreasonable relationship expectations, anxieties, or jealousy. When discerning how you’re feeling in the shared space of relationship, honestly truth it out to determine what each individual is bringing to the shared space that is contributing to those feelings. Then, use that discernment to empower your understanding, decision-making, and actions in your relationship(s).
Go forth in love, and may you find someone who makes you feel beloved in turn.
If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.
A reader recently sent me the following comment asking me to explore the role of sexual desire in a dating/relationship context:
I have met quite a number of women who say they are done with relationships, and sex in particular. Perhaps an installment about sexual frustration in a relationship would help us get some perspective on the matter. I’m 72, male, and find sex to be very important to me. I think you’ve mentioned your feelings about it, as I recall, but I would certainly enjoy any thoughts you have to share.
To the reader’s concern, sexual desire is something that varies across individuals and can even vary for an individual across time. And, just as values, common interests, and physical attraction are factors to consider when discerning compatibility with a romantic partner, libido level is something that may be worth considering also.
Heterofatalism
It’s true that there’s a trend in older women forgoing romantic relationships. There’s a name for this trend, heterofatalism, and I recently did a post addressing this and other dating trends. Essentially, heterofatalism is the frustration of heterosexual women with dating and romantic relationships.
We live in a world that continues to be male-centric, and as a heterosexual woman, the entitlement that many men manifest (often unknowingly) and the inequities of our larger social context frequently show up in our romantic relationships. And we’re tired. Further, we have other options. Women today have more financial empowerment and autonomy than we used to. Some women are choosing to opt out of romantic relationships, seeing that as the better option. We want to be treated as we deserve. Not all men are capable of doing that.
There are different aspects of aging that can potentially impact sexual desire.
Body Changes
For some people, the changes our bodies undergo with age may impact sexual desire, while for others it may not.
Personally, my libido hasn’t changed much over time, though my body has. With menopause, I’m drier–everywhere. That dryness affects my sexual experience, but there’s lubricant for that. The changes in our bodies with age don’t necessarily change our libido, though they may impact our experience.
Similarly, men may have more difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection as they get older. Even if our libido isn’t impacted by our bodily changes, we may need to find new ways (Viagra, anyone?) to help us integrate our libido with our changing bodies.
Libido Changes
Several years ago, I dated a retired military test pilot who was very taken with my long hair. He asked me, more than once, if I ever intended to cut it short. I replied that I intended to keep it long, even when I let it go gray. He was relieved at this, saying, “Us military guys know that when a woman cuts her hair short, it means that she’s done with sex.”
While that’s hardly a universal truth, there’s something to that. Traditionally, a lot of older women do cut their hair short. It’s easier and more practical. And, that may or may not represent an unwillingness to put that time into cultivating their physical allure or sexuality. My friend S relates to this story. He’s had more than one woman he was involved with both cut her hair and lose sexual interest. Then again, it’s important not to make assumptions about individuals. A woman with short hair doesn’t necessariy equate a woman with no sexual libido, that would be a gross over-generalization.
And women aren’t the only ones who may experience decreased libido. I went out with R a couple of years ago. He was quite frank with me that his libido had diminished with age.
Self-Concept Changes
My great-aunt Marjorie famously declared herself an old woman upon her fortieth birthday. She then proceeded to have all her teeth pulled out to get dentures. My great-aunt lived on to the ripe age of 103. She prematurely saw herself as old, in part, because of the social messaging she got, but she also chose to accept and internalize that messaging.
I have friends who’ve had medical (vs. cosmetic) surgeries which altered the way their body looks, as well as how they feel about their bodies. That, in turn, can affect how someone feels about their sexuality. It’s a tricky space, a space someone can choose to navigate with their romantic partner and/or a therapist. But it’s also a space that someone can choose to avoid, forgoing their sexuality altogether.
We can’t avoid the changes that happen to our bodies with time, but we can choose our response.Some people let themselves go. Some people let getting older define them. Myself, I acknowledge that my body is changing and that I’m getting older, but I’m also determined to look my best and live as fully as I can while I still can, including continuing to live my sexuality, though how I live it may shift with time. What will/do you choose?
Long Term Relationship Shifts
Sometimes, over the course of a relationship, the sexual dynamic of a couple shifts. The throes of that initial tangled spark of love and lust may calm into a different sexual rhythm. That may or may not be satisfactory to both partners in the relationship, but for healthy relationship, there must be mutual respect and good communication in navigating that shift. (Funny, I had a typo of shaft there–something else to navigate!)
Your Sexual Desire
There are many aspects of a person to consider when discerning your compatibility with them. For me, there’s a distinct difference in the discernment of an individual versus a relationship dynamic. There are plenty of men who I’m compatible with and whose company I enjoy, but who I feel no sexual desire for. As a woman who has a healthy sex drive, that’s an important distinction. In a romantic relationship, I want someone who I’m compatible with, feel connection to, AND who arouses my desire.
In determining sexual compatibility in a relationship, you should have a general awareness of your current level of desire, who arouses it, and any sexual proclivities.Do you have a healthy libido? How important is that to you in romantic relationship? Do you have any particular sexual inclinations? How flexible can you be to accommodate someone else and meet them where they are?
Your Romantic Partner
When you’re discerning whether someone may be a good potential match, along with other considerations–compatibility, values, shared interests, chemistry, physical attraction, sense of humor–it’s also worth considering whether you have compatible sexual desire. This can include both frequency and any sexual proclivities. Does your partner feel the same level of sexual desire as you? Do they like the same kind of things as you? Are you open to exploring each other’s preferences?
If there’s a major mismatch sexually, that could be problematic, necessitating mutual compromise or indiviudal sacrifice.
Final Thoughts
If you and your romantic partner are sexually compatible, that’s great–have fun!
However, if your sexual compatibility isn’t straightforward, then you need to identify how important/strong your sexual desire is and what potential compromises you are or aren’t willing to make to accommodate your romantic partner’s desire (or lack thereof). I know people on both ends of the spectrum–someone who’s made peace with their partner’s lack of desire and another who’s unwilling to compromise what they want sexually.
Some final think-abouts–Where are you on the spectrum? How much do you value your partner? What are you willing to compromise to be with them? What are they willing to compromise for you? How you answer those questions can reveal a lot about the relationship you’re living in.
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Dating is an emotional journey to navigate. We seek someone who arouses a strong emotional response in us, yet that same strong emotional respone simultaneously makes us emotionally vulnerable. To set ourselves up for the best experience we can manage (there is only so much within our control), we must be our best evolved selves. Zooming Out, or using our rational self to bring a more objective perspective to our emotional experience, can assist us both in being our best self and discerning the larger context of the situation.
The Purpose of Zooming Out
Zooming Out from an experience allows you to get perspective and see the bigger picture, even when you’re an actor in the scene. It allows you to try to see a situation with some objectivity, even when you have very subjective feelings about it. It helps balance emotional experience with rational insight by trying to see the larger context of the siutation, see other people’s point of view, and your own role in the scene. Zooming Out empowers you to engage with a situation more thoughtfully and choose your responses more intentionally, rather than leading solely from emotional reaction.
The benefits of Zooming Out extend beyond romantic scenarios. It’s a tool you can use in all types of relationships and situations. It can help you better understand relationships, people, motivations, situations, and contexts.
For Example…
Here are some examples of what Zooming Out, or failing to, looks like.
A Romantic Example
Things seem to be going well. There’s a nice back and forth. Then, there’s a drop in communication. They haven’t called/texted/responded. You feel insecure. You wonder–Why? It’s a fairly common experience if you’re dating and, sometimes, even in a relationship. I can’t even ballpark how many times this has happened to me or with how many different men.
And when it happens, if you’re feeling emotional or insecure, Zoom Out. Look at the broader context.How well do you know them? Do you know what’s going on in their lives? Remember that you don’t know what you don’t know. There might be things going on with them that you have no idea about. Maybe they’re busy with work, were in a car accident, came down with the flu, or a friend/family member is in town. Maybe they’ve lost interest, maybe they simply have other things going on, or maybe they’re an asshole that you’re better off without.
You don’t know what you don’t know, so be careful not to make what might be nothing into something. You need more information to understand the situation better. That information might be a reasonable explanation, it might be prolonged silence, or it might be a mismatch between your expectations and their capacity or willingness.
Beware of taking everything personally, It might not be about you at all, and if it is about you, then you either have some problem-solving to do, or they aren’t your right person. The right person wouldn’t do that to you.
If they’re incommunicado longer than you’re comfortable, then reach out. If you’re met with more silence, that’s information too. Alternatively, give yourself time to breathe and prioritize yourself to get through the uncomfortable spot.
A Non-Romantic Example
Recently, my sister and nephew were in town. When they’re here, I prioritize making time for them. But, one day during their visit I couldn’t do it.
That morning, I was very emotional and weepy. At work, I recognized that interactions and exchanges with others which I’d normally take in stride, were throwing me off-kilter. I was second-guessing myself in a way that I usually don’t and being oversensitive about minor things. I did my best to auto-pilot and get through my work day. Recognizing that I needed some time to myself to calm my emotions and I also wasn’t in a good emotional space to be around other people, I texted my family to cancel on them that evening.
And I had to ask myself–Why today? What is making me hyper-feel today? When I asked myself those questions, I connected my feelings to my bleeding. I hit the menopausal mark of a year without a period a couple months ago, yet a few days prior, I unexpectedly started bleeding. A surge of hormones made me hyper-emotional.
In this case, Zooming Out looked like me being able to step outside of myself enough to recognize that I was overly emotional. Once I recognized that, despite my intense emotions, I was able to be objective enough to ask myself Why, and reason out the answer. Finally, based on this understanding, I made an appropriate behavioral response–take some time to myself and away from people.
A Non-Example
I was spending a long weekend with R when the first assassination attempt on Trump was made. Our politics align, but R is British, and that’s the lens through which he saw the events, and ultimately me.
We’d been feeling out our chemistry and connection for a couple of days, but the assassination attempt made an abrupt shift in his behavior and treatment of me. Suddenly, I represented all the things that he despised about America–violence, loudness, polarizing politics. He stopped seeing me as an individual and lumped me in with stereotypes. He wasn’t able to Zoom Out and see me for who I am within a larger context of the situation, Rather, he oversimplified, opting to be intellectually lazy.
Ironically, he’s a birder, but he was unable to manage a bird’s eye view. Ha!
How to Zoom Out
Zooming Out effectively requires taking that bird’s eye view. Think about the zoom lens of a camera, allowing you to zoom in on details. In the context of a relationship situation this could be your emotion (e.g., feeling slighted); the details of conversation (e.g., “I’m not the one who does that, you are” or “I’m sorry”); body language (e.g., rolled eye vs. eye contact with nodding and active listening); or actions (e.g., a slammed door, an unreturned text, showing up when they say they will etc.).
Alternatively, Zooming Out is taking that bird’s eye view of seeing the larger context of the situation from further away. In this case, we are Zooming Out from our emotions and the details we’re fixated on, so we can broaden our understanding of the situation. We aren’t neglecting our emotions, but we’re stepping back from them rather than leading with them.
Here are some guidelines that I’ve found helpful in Zooming Out:
Wise Mind
Years ago, my therapist shared with me the framework of Wise Mind. As an empath, I have a deep well of emotions, but I also have an intellectual bent. Wise Mind has helped me integrate these two aspects of myself. In turn, that helps me better navigate my relationships and experience by bringing a more balanced and thoughtful approach to how I live and process my life.
Wise Mind is the intersection of the emotional and rational. It’s the space where we’re neither reigned by emotion nor driven by logic. It’s a place of balance where we simultaneously honor the emotion and navigate with reason. Try using the Wise Mind framework to take a broader view of your relationship(s) and situation(s).
Observe and Ask Questions
To Zoom Out effectively, put some distance between yourself and emotion. Backing away from the emotion can help you see it more clearly. Step outside of yourself so that you can look at yourself in your larger context. Name the emotion(s) you are feeling. Watch your behavior. Ask yourself Why questions: Why are you feeling this way? Why are you behaving that way? Be honest with yourself about whether your feelings and actions are justified. Try and be as objective as possible to try and understand the Why behind your feelings and actions. Notice your thinking and make note of the narrative you’re writing.
Now, Zoom Out to take a more objective look at the people you are in relationship with–friend, lover, colleague, family–and ask yourself questions again. Remember to distance yourself from your feelings. You aren’t trying to blame, rather you’re trying to come to a better understanding.Why are they acting this way? What potential motive(s) is behind their behavior? How do they feel? What is their larger context? What is their narrative? By trying to understand their point of view, you’re taking in the larger context of the situation.
Take a Minute
Time can help you gain insight into a situation. Time allows you to mentally sit with something, take it in, and examine it from different perspectives. The emotions may still be strong and/or deep, but time can help you choose a better behavioral response than an impulsive emotional reaction.
The amount of time you sit with a situaion depends on both what you need and what’s appropriate to the situation. It’s taken me months to discern some romantic connections. I may need several minutes, hours, or even a full day to determine an appropriate response to a text or email. I find that I make better decisions and give better responses when I allow myself adequate time to process my thoughts and feelings.
Truth it Out
The purpose of Zooming Out is to find the larger truth of the situation, not just your personal truth. By using the framework of Wise Mind, you can better assess the larger situational truth(s). You can evaluate whether your feelings and actions are valid, as well as whether someone else’s are. Keep in mind that it’s possible that multiple points of view are valid and the situation may be complex to navigate. The view depends on where you stand and look at the scene.
If you recognize that your own feelings or actions may be at fault, then ask yourself if you need to do something to rectify the situation. In my case, that was taking a day away from my family when my emotions were overwhelming.
If you believe that someone else’s behavior is at fault, then ask yourself what action makes the most sense in navigating the situation. Maybe that’s a conversation with them. Maybe that’s pulling back from the situation. In the case of R, it was recognizing that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I deserved to be treated better. That helped me find peace within the disappointment of our failed connection.
Final Thoughts
The practice of Zooming Out can help you get a better, more balanced perspective on a situation. It entails stepping back from your emotions to see situations more objectively, taking in the larger truth. Strive for an expansive vision, not a narrow view. Try to see where other people are coming from. Understand perceived slights may not be about you at all.
Ultimately, as my sister Megan said, “How people treat you is a reflection of other people’s emotional state and maturity and person, not a reflection of you.” Do your best to objectively truth things out, but also know your worth.
If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.
Anymore, there are constantly trending dating topics. Some current ones are the alpine divorce, ghostlighting, the loneliness of young men , etc. We’re at the mercy of the Social Media age with its hashtags, echo chambers, and the irony of its social isolation whilst we’re simultaneously over-connected. Social Media quickly recognizes and communicates these trends, but it also exacerbates the underlying social phenomenon being recognized and named. Perhaps Social Media is even responsible for the creation of some phenomena. The phenomenon Heterofatalism particularly intrigues me, because I live in its neighborhood.
Heterofatalism Defined…Kind of
Sexuality scholar Asa Seresin coined both the terms Heteropessism and Heterofatalism, the latter being an evolution of the former. I’ve seen varying definitions of the two.
Urban Dictionary defines Heteropessimism and Heterofatalism interchangeably as, “Also called heteropessimism, heterofatalism is an attitude of embarrassment or negativity towards one’s heterosexuality. Heterofatalism consists of a performative disaffiliation with heterosexuality and a desire to have a different sexual orientation.”
“Heteropessimism refers to the ironic detachment and performative complaint about men while still participating in heterosexual dating. Its emotional tone is often askew and cynical…,“
…and “Heterofatalism, on the other hand, carries a more profound resignation: the belief that dating men may be unsatisfying, but there’s no better alternative. Its tone is more defeated and ambivalent, emerging from emotional labor burnout and accumulated relational hopelessness…”
Araya-Fischel further declares, “Unlike Heteropessimism, which performs emotional detachment for irony or cool-girl effect, Heterofatalism carries a heavier emotional resignation.”
The Problem with Narrow Definitions
I’m an English major and logophile, a lover of words and language. Language evolves over time, with certain words falling away and others being added to the lexicon. The problem I’m having with the terms Heteropessimism and Heterofatalism is that the definitions I’ve come across are both inconsistent and narrow. Whatever you want to call it or whichever definition(s) you land on, both Heteropessimism and Heterofatalism are concepts that are trying to put words to an observed social reality. The more narrowly you define that reality, the more people you leave out, even if they live in the neighborhood.
Me
I have no desire to be other than I am, a heterosexual woman. But, I do see myself living in the neighborhood of Heterofatalism. My feelings and experience are part of the social reality that is being recognized, whether or not I fit the narrowness of the definition.
My generation of women was raised with the promise of Disney princesses who always got their prince and a happily ever after ending. That’s a pretty unrealistic expectation to set us up for. Meanwhile, though the women’s movement was underway during my youth, there are still men of my generation who have a sense of male entitlement, often with no self-awareness of such.
My personal frustration as a 55 year old heterosexual woman comes from years of working to be my best self and from putting time and energy into understanding the milieu of dating, relationships, and men, yet still being single. And I’m still single, because I won’t settle for less than I want and deserve. I’m lonely, but I’d rather be lonely alone than lonely in relationship, because the latter comes with a suffocating stuckness. I know, because I’ve been there.
Why haven’t I found the right man? I’ve found many men who weren’t really compatible or to my type. There are the men who were condescending or mansplained or angry or assholes. There were men who hadn’t done the work they needed to do on themselves. Plenty of men failed to treat me right. Some men didn’t prioritize me, and I moved on. And there’ve also been some perfectly lovely men who I simply didn’t feel the right chemistry with. The right man? I’ve found some right men, but for one reason or another, it hasn’t worked out. Sometimes that happens. And that frustrates, disappoints, and pains me. That’s my personal story, but we all have a story.
While I can get frustrated, disappointed, sad, and admittedly, on my bad days, even bitter and resentful about my single status, I’m also empowered enough that I don’t need to settle. That’s the empowerment of my generation of women–we have our own careers and autonomy; we don’t need to tether ourselves to a man for financial security. While single is not my ideal, I have the resources to remain single if I don’t have a more attractive option. Historically, that hasn’t always been the case for women. I’m grateful for that autonomy, because I’d rather be single than settle.
Beyond Me
That is my story, but there are plenty of other stories in the Heterofatalism neighborhood. Heterofatalism is a recognition of a social truth that is much broader than the narrow definition allows for.
Other Women in the Neighborhood
Some women in the neighborhood have given up on dating and happily so. It just isn’t worth it to them anymore, and they’d rather prioritize living their life on their terms. Some of them prefer being single.
Other women, like my friend Kate, would like to be in a right relationship, but aren’t willing to put the energy into dating at this time. She’d rather put that energy into other things.
And certainly, there are other women who feel the pessimissm of dating as a heterosexual woman, yet are willing to settle to be in a romantic relationship, ultimately placing the value in companionship itself over right companion.
Men in the Neighborhood
And, let’s be fair. Women don’t have a monopoly on being frustrated and pessimistic about their dating experience. There are plenty of heterosexual men who live in the neighborhood too, with their own legitimate frustrations about dating and dating women.
We’re in this Together
Dating is not an us vs. them, nor a who-has-it-worse competition. We shouldn’t be going into dating on the defense. We should go into it with the vision of finding someone to be our teammate, rather than viewing our dating pool as our opponents.
The big picture is, that whatever our experience or outlook is, we’re in this together. We all have a range of experiences and responses to our experience. No one group holds a monopoly on loneliness, frustration, grief, or, for that matter, success. We are better off if we choose to see each other as individuals and honor each other’s experience with empathy.
Social Media and the current climate of polarizing politics can lead us to tunnel vision and echo chambers, reinforcing our negative emotions and experiences. Within this context, it’s easy to feel cynical. I suffer from SAD, which for me dials up the volume during the winter on any negative emotions I’m already feeling. That makes it easy for me to lean into bitterness and pessimism. But negative emotions can handicap us. I know that I’ve let negative mood prematurely derail a potentially good connection. While negative emotions may be legitimate, they don’t lend themselves to fostering positive connection. And personally, negative is neither who I want to be, nor how I want to feel.
It’s in our best interest to Zoom Out and see the bigger picture, to look past the labels and Social Media trending topics to recognize each other as individuals with histories. If we can manage to unpack our own baggage in tandem with honoring, rather than scrutinizing, each other’s journeys, we can get to empathy, something which, to our own detriment, we’ve culturally drifted away from.
Empathy fosters connection rather than divisiveness. Empathy allows us to overcome and rise above the outright cruelty of some of the dating trends. An alpine divorce? If you don’t like someone, just break it off, don’t put them at physical risk. Ghostlighting? Make up your mind. If you’re not interested, move on. But don’t fuck with people. How did we get here? What have we become? Empathy is how we rise above and overcome the petttiness, indifference, and cruelty of our larger social context.Empathy is how we become better humans, how we are humane, and how we ready ourselves for connection.
Final Thoughts
Dating is hard, and it comes with plenty of emotional ups and downs. While online dating platforms have given us the opportunity to connect with people we may not have encountered otherwise, they come with frustrations too. As our lives have gravitated more online, it’s both easier to connect with many people, yet we’ve ironically become more socially isolated and lonely. Social Media exacerbates much of that experience. It’s bad enough that some people are even seeking companionship from AI.
To rise above and be better than the social trends which are culturally dragging us down, pay attention to individuals and see people through an empathy lens. Honor your justified negative feelings, but don’t marinate in their brine nor lead with them in your interactions. Look for the good in people, in yourself, and in your life.
If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.
May you find the good and good connection. Good luck out there!
Fake profiles and bots are not a new thing, but if you’ve spent any time on a dating app recently, you’ve probably noticed that fake profiles are on the rise. Last autumn, I noticed a seemingly exponential increase of fake profiles in tandem with the push of AI into the mainstream. AI has made fake profiles that much easier to generate for those with malintent. Let’s look at how to spot a fake profile, so you can both protect yourself and not waste your time on phonies.
Signs of a Fake Profile
There are a lot of different signs that a profile might be fake. Pay attention to the signs. The more signage there is, the more likely the profile is fake.
Photos
Certain things about a profile’s photos can clue you in that it might be a fake profile.
Few Photos
If a profile only has three or four photos (or worse, less!) then that’s a sign that it might be a fake profile. Fake profiles are usually thrown together quickly. The less there is in the profile, the more likely it is to be fake.
Exceptionally Attractive Photos
If the profile photos are all exceptionally attractive (think 8-10 on a 10 point scale) that’s a blinking neon sign, especially in conjuction with only having 3-4 photos. There just aren’t that many people that look that great all the time.
This is especially true the older the age bracket is that you’re working with. Some people don’t age well and other people simply don’t take care of themselves as they age. I’m 55, and there are fewer physically attractive options in my dating range than there were a decade ago. Despite that, I noticed several months ago that there were suddenly a plethora of good looking men in their fifties on Match, almost overnight. Where had they been hiding? They hadn’t been created yet.
That AI Aura
Do you know what I mean by an “AI aura”? That clean soft atmospheric quality to photos? Fake, fake, fakity fake. This aura is due in part to the low resolution of AI photos. Here’s an example of an original/real photo and one generated with AI:
Note the simplified background in the AI photo; how flawless she looks (hair, makeup, wardrobe, expression, smooth skin, perfect eyebrows, etc.); the simplicity of the wardrobe; and the overall softness of the photo.
This, in contrast to the original photo with a complicated background; her leaning at an angle; a little shine on her face; her mouth not quite open nor closed. This is the imperfection of real life.
AI photos can be generated across time and place, with and without other people in them. Real profiles can have AI photos, but an AI photo should give you good cause to be skeptical. Why aren’t they showing you who they really are?
If you’re interested in learning about how to discern AI photos from real photos, take this quiz.
The Summary
The profile summary can also give different tip-offs that it might be a fake profile.
There is No Summary
Fake profiles usually demonstrate very low effort, such as few photos and no Profile Summary at all.
There is a Very Limited Summary
A very limited Profile Summary, such as a paragraph, is still pretty low effort. Low effort is a sign of either a lazy human or a fake profile. Are you interested in either?
Generic or Bland Content
If the Profile Summary says something without really saying anything, that’s another potential sign of a fake profile. A fake profile doesn’t want to alienate anyone, so its content will be rather vanilla. Nothing offensive, but nothing enticing either. You won’t really be able to get a sense of who they are, because they aren’t real.
Fake Profile Summaries usually read like they could have been written by anyone. They like beaches? Who doesn’t? They’re a foodie? As if liking food is a novel thing! Ask yourself, does the profile say anything that is truly novel or differentiates it from other profiles? If not, maintain some skepticism.
It Doesn’t Make Sense
I’ve read a Profile Summary that read as gibberish (Match). It didn’t make sense at all, and it was written in a way that people just don’t talk. If a Profile Summary has a nonsensical vibe to it, then it’s probably inauthentic.
Prompts and Information
When looking at a profile, check the Prompts and Information carefully to see if there are any contradictions. Contradictions in a profile are a sign of a hastily put together fake profile.
Some examples that I’ve seen:
A man who’s job was a Doctor of Philosophy but whose education was a bachelor’s degree. A Doctor of Philosophy should have a doctorate, that’s what a PhD is. (Elite Singles)
A man who replied to a prompt that he was not eco-conscious at all. Yet the reponse to another prompt said enthusiastically that he’d love to go on an eco-conscious date! (OK Cupid)
Also, if the Prompt responses and Information are non-specific and bland, it could be someone unoriginal or it could be a fake profile trying to be inoffensive.For instance, while there are some Apolitical people out there, these days, that’s a rare stance.It could be a phony who doesn’t want to put anyone off with a political stance.
Messaging
If you get to the point where you’re messaging with someone but they don’t offer much about themselves–they’re vague or generally neutral without a decided opinion on much of anything–then they’re either a poor conversationalist, or they’re trying not to be offensive because they’re phony and trying to draw you in.
Another sign that a profile might be fake is if their first focus is on what you want from relationship, before even getting to know you and discerning compatibility.
Also pay attention to whether they’re reflecting back to you what they think you want to hear or whether they’re offering their perspective regardless of knowing what your preference is.
Redundant Profiles
With a 1500 mile dating radius, this one might be easier to spot for me than those of you dating locally, but I’ve noticed a trend of redundant profiles that signal fake profiles. What I mean by this is that the malintents behind the fake profiles work to generate a large quantity of fake profiles quickly, and that’s easier to do if the profiles share a lot of commonalities, much like an assembly line.
The profiles may be similar in stats–I’ve seen a plethora of profiles with 5’11”, 55 years of age, widowed, graduate degree, seeking serious relationship, and 3-4 photos. Many of them even had the same name, Dominid (Match).
Sometimes I’ll notice a trending name–Dominid was a thing, but I’ve seen surges of Davids, Tims, etc. at different times as well. Last week the nom du semaine was Tony (Match).
Once, I even saw two fairly fleshed out Profile Summaries that were identical–they had different photos, but the exact same content copied and pasted (Match).
If You’re Not Sure
All of the above examples are signs that a profile might be fake. The more signage the profile offers to that effect, the more likely it is that it’s a fake profile, but there are some potential exceptions to why a real profile might present like a potentially fake one, particularly if the information/summary is scarce and the photos are few.
Laziness
It’s possible that someone who doesn’t offer a lot of information or photos is simply too lazy to put much effort into their profile. But if they don’t offer much, how much energy are you willing to put into finding out whether or not they’re real and, if so, who they are?
New
Someone who’s new to online dating or a dating platform may have a profile-in-progress where they haven’t fully fleshed it out yet. That could give off a lot of the same signs as a fake profile. So, if you’re intrigued, but there’s not much there, then you have to put in the energy to discern whether they are real and, if so, to draw them out and discover who they are.
Unremarkable
And then there are people who simply don’t have much to say. They might be real, but they don’t offer much. How much interest do you have in finding out if such a profile might be real or if it’s fake?
Your Profile
Keeping in mind the potential signs of a fake profile, consider your own profile–be careful not to give off fake profile vibes.
Ensure that you’re sharing what you authentically look like–no AI, no filters, no blurry hard-to-distinguish photos, no oudated photos. Show potential matches who you really are now, the person who will show up on the date. If you show who you really are, potential matches won’t be disappointed when you show up, because you didn’t misrepresent yourself. In this era of fake profiles and the artifice of intelligence, being REAL is a strength.
Profile Summary, Prompts, and Information
One of the signs of a fake profile is that there is no or little information given. Don’t let that be you. Do your best to adequately and accurately represent who you authentically are in your profile.
Final Thoughts
It makes me sad to say, but these days, to be safe, it’s best to lead with some skepticism when looking at dating profiles, particularly if a profile presents some of the signs aforementioned. If you’re intrigued despite some questionable signage, be sure to do due diligence to protect yourself. Ask questions, try to learn them, do a Google search to ensure they’re who they represent themselves to be. Open yourself up cautiously. And remember that the more signage there is, the more likely it’s a fake profile.
Have you noticed any signs of fake profiles that I didn’t mention? If so, please let me know in the comments below.
If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.
How do you want to feel in romantic relationship? What do you want the experience of romantic relationship to be like? Those are your Relationship Values. Through my relationship and dating experiences, I discerned what I really want in a relationship. This discernment has come from both ends of the spectrum–the “This is great, I want to feel like this!” and the “Wow, this really sucks, no thank you.” One of the core Relationship Values that I identified in my journey is feeling both seen and heard. Don’t we all crave that? For someone to see and value us for who we are?
I’ve been with men who were attractive and whose company I enjoyed, yet I didn’t feel that they truly saw me. While I enjoyed the experience of them in the moment, I won’t be unseen in a relationship–there’s a loneliness and incompleteness in that. Better to be lonely alone than lonely in relationship.
I’m a complete person. I don’t need another person to complete me, but if a man can’t see the full spectrum of me, if he has limited vision, therein lies the incompleteness. I want a partner who can see my expanses and who has expanses for me to explore as well. Until I find that man, I choose to remain single.
Joel
One summer in NYC, I spent a few evenings with Joel. He’s attractive and successful, sweet and considerate–a great guy. One evening, he tried to surprise me with a wine varietal that I talked about enthusiastically the night before (Albariño, a current favorite), but he got the wrong varietal. To his credit, it started with an ‘A’. It was such a sweet gesture and much appreciated, but there was also a disconnect. He listened, but not quite enough.
Another night, I wanted to watch the Belmont Stakes and invited him to join me. He found a bar where we could watch the race, and we ordered drinks. I asked for a food menu as I hadn’t eaten much and didn’t want alcohol to get the better of me. He tried to put me off, because he wanted to take me out to a special restaurant later. Again, he wanted to please me, and there’s a sweetness in that, but he wasn’t hearing me–I knew that I needed some food to put the alcohol on, or we wouldn’t make it to dinner. In the end, I got something to nosh on while we watched the race AND I made it to dinner.
I like Joel. My trip was better for his presence in it, for making human connection. He’s kind and thoughtful, and, because of that, I’m grateful I met him. But I want more. I want someone who sees, hears, and understands me. I want someone who really gets me, not just someone pleasant trying to please me.
Stromboli and Me
A few years ago, I watched Roberto Rossellini’s film Stromboli, set in the fallout of World War II. It stars Ingrid Bergman as Karin, who has reservations about marrying a man she hardly knows–a man who, though smitten with her, doesn’t really know her and doesn’t really see her. Her reservations are prescient, and as the film unfolds Bergman feels increasingly unhappy, claustrophobic, and desperate in her relationship.
That’s how I felt in my marriage. My ex never saw me. At times, he accused me of doing something with ulterior motives, attributing some action of mine to a manipulation that had nothing whatsoever to do with my rationale or behavior.
If I told him that something he did was hurtful to me, my ex inevitably turned it around saying, “I’m not the one who does that, you are.” In doing so, he denied my experience and deflected any responsibility. It was unbearably frustrating. Like the Tommysong, I wanted to cry out, “See me!…” The version my ex saw of me was warped and distorted, like the reflection in a fun house mirror or like the fire’s shadow in Plato’s Cave versus the vision of the sun. I am radiant, but he only saw flickering shadows of me.
On Being Seen and Heard
I read a quote on Reddit once that still resonates with me, “Loneliness doesn’t end when you are surrounded by people; it ends when you are seen for who you are.” I can’t say it any better.
I’ve met men who saw me more completely in one week than my ex did in ten years. David is such a man. It was as if he intuited me. We spoke the same language and instinctively understood each other. I never had to explain myself; I could just tell my story and know he heard me. It was a relief for someone to see and understand me so clearly, so intimately. The world was a less lonely place for a while.
A copy of Felix Gonzalez-Torres‘ Untitled: Double Portrait hangs on my wall. It reminds me of how relationship with David felt, how I want relationship to feel. The composition is two complete circles. I see two whole individuals who make something infinitely more in their shared space. A circle itself is a symbol of infinity. Gonzales-Torres’ Double Portrait even looks like the infinity symbol. I seek expanses, not limits, and I won’t be limited by someone’s inability to fully see me.
Photo: My somewhat-battered copy of Felix Gonzalez-Torres’ Untitled: Double Portrait from London’s Tate Modern Museum.
David’s not the only man who’s seen me. Damon, Bruce, Evan, and of late, Isaac, have all made me feel seen and heard. It’s a sacred gift to see and hear another human being and it’s a precious gift to be on the receiving endof. They’re men of both high caliber and capacity. Single I remain until such a man sees me and partners with me.
It’s Not Just About Romance
I go forth authentically in the world and try to be a good human being, though, like all of us, I fall short at times. I want people to see me for the woman I am and to allow me grace for the moments when I fall short. And I want and deserve that not only in a romantic partner, but in general. I strive to give the same in turn. That is the woman I am.
Many years ago, I took Adaptive Schools training. Adaptive Schools has seven norms of collaboration to encourage positve collegial relationships. The norms are really just good basic social skills. One of them is Presuming Positive Intentions, or assuming that someone means well, unless and until there’s evidence to the contrary. And yet, so often, people are prone to assuming the worst. When you’re trying to be your best, but someone assumes the worst, the dissonance is mind-bogglingly frustrating.
The Death of My Ex
The death of my ex was a complicated situation. I did not love him. We married for practical reasons–I was pregnant. He wasn’t a good husband to me, and he didn’t treat me well, but he wasn’t a horrible human being either. He was a complicated and flawed human being. Most importantly, he was the father of my children. Our relationship was complicated, sometimes contentious, other times civil and respectful.
When he died, my feelings were likewise complicated. My primary concern was for my children, who lost their father. But I have a strange sort of grief too. I gave him ten years of my life. This isn’t what I wanted for my children, nor for him. I think of him daily, with a sadness that he ran out of days so soon.
Everyone copes with grief differently. One thing that I did in the days following Ben’s death was to delete the shared Google calendar we had for our son’s schedule. I had the information elsewhere, and it was too sad and painful to look at the calendar in its shared obsoleteness. To me, it was a stark visual reminder that he was gone. I still have our text thread on my phone, but I deleted the calendar.
On the heels of that, I got a vitriolic email from his widow who, noticing the calender was deleted, accused me of “dancing a jig on his grave.” She didn’t know why I deleted the calendar, but she assumed the worst possible motive for my behavior. I responded to her vitriol in a civil manner, but I made it clear that her grief didn’t entitle her to lash out at me. She persisted in her poison, and she’s now blocked from my life. Our relationship was never easy, but I expect people to see me for who I am and to treat me with respect.
J
My friend J retired a couple of years ago, and, like many retirees, he mused about what lay ahead. The penultimate time I saw him, he was thinking about relocating to Maine. I mentioned that a few years prior, I talked to a man who relocated to Maine after his divorce. The man had fond memories of Maine from his younger days and thought it would be a good place to relocate. Unfortunately, he was miserable there. In our conversations, he often spoke of how dark and cold it was during the winter. He also complained that the community was tribal and unwelcoming. He was lonely and felt ostracized.
J said, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.”
This accusation took me aback. For my friend to assume that I had an ulterior motive and was anything other than authentic was hurtful. That he thought that I wasn’t evolved enough to just want him to be happy was disappointing. That he assumed the worst of me, that I was being selfish and manipulative, was maddening.
I responded, “I’m just giving you information to help inform your decision. Do what you want with the information. I’m telling you so you can think about it. That’s all. I’m not trying to tell you what decision is right for you. I’m just giving you information.“
He doubled down, “Your information is only the opinion of one person.“
“I never said any different.“
He shifted the subject and went into small talk mode. When we saw each other a few weeks later, it was awkward and tense. Something in our relationship has radically changed, and it’s not me. J no longer sees me for who I am, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. My feelings are complicated. I’m sad, disappointed, hurt, and angry. I deserve to be treated better, yet even now, I love my friend. I miss him. And I continue to hope that he’s happy. I have grace for him should he seek it, but he doesn’t seem to have grace for me.
Final Thoughts
Feeling seen and heard is a core Relationship Value for me in both my romantic and platonic relationships. I go forth in the world with both authenticity and the intention of being the best human being that I can muster. And, at this point in my life, I have little patience for people who fail to see and hear me for who I am when I’m so clear and forthright.
And for you, as you go forth, consider–Are you authentically seeing and hearing others? Do people see and hear you for who you are? I encourage you to do your best to pay attention and honor others. And I wish you the best of luck in being seen and heard in turn. To see and be seen is a beautiful thing. You deserve that.
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