Author: blackbirddiaryblog

Zoom Out

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Dating is an emotional journey to navigate. We seek someone who arouses a strong emotional response in us, yet that same strong emotional respone simultaneously makes us emotionally vulnerable. To set ourselves up for the best experience we can manage (there is only so much within our control), we must be our best evolved selves. Zooming Out, or using our rational self to bring a more objective perspective to our emotional experience, can assist us both in being our best self and discerning the larger context of the situation.

The Purpose of Zooming Out

Zooming Out from an experience allows you to get perspective and see the bigger picture, even when you’re an actor in the scene. It allows you to try to see a situation with some objectivity, even when you have very subjective feelings about it. It helps balance emotional experience with rational insight by trying to see the larger context of the siutation, see other people’s point of view, and your own role in the scene. Zooming Out empowers you to engage with a situation more thoughtfully and choose your responses more intentionally, rather than leading solely from emotional reaction.

The benefits of Zooming Out extend beyond romantic scenarios. It’s a tool you can use in all types of relationships and situations. It can help you better understand relationships, people, motivations, situations, and contexts.

For Example…

Here are some examples of what Zooming Out, or failing to, looks like.

A Romantic Example

Things seem to be going well. There’s a nice back and forth. Then, there’s a drop in communication. They haven’t called/texted/responded. You feel insecure. You wonder–Why? It’s a fairly common experience if you’re dating and, sometimes, even in a relationship. I can’t even ballpark how many times this has happened to me or with how many different men.

And when it happens, if you’re feeling emotional or insecure, Zoom Out. Look at the broader context. How well do you know them? Do you know what’s going on in their lives? Remember that you don’t know what you don’t know. There might be things going on with them that you have no idea about. Maybe they’re busy with work, were in a car accident, came down with the flu, or a friend/family member is in town. Maybe they’ve lost interest, maybe they simply have other things going on, or maybe they’re an asshole that you’re better off without.

You don’t know what you don’t know, so be careful not to make what might be nothing into something. You need more information to understand the situation better. That information might be a reasonable explanation, it might be prolonged silence, or it might be a mismatch between your expectations and their capacity or willingness.

Beware of taking everything personally, It might not be about you at all, and if it is about you, then you either have some problem-solving to do, or they aren’t your right person. The right person wouldn’t do that to you.

If they’re incommunicado longer than you’re comfortable, then reach out. If you’re met with more silence, that’s information too. Alternatively, give yourself time to breathe and prioritize yourself to get through the uncomfortable spot.

A Non-Romantic Example

Recently, my sister and nephew were in town. When they’re here, I prioritize making time for them. But, one day during their visit I couldn’t do it.

That morning, I was very emotional and weepy. At work, I recognized that interactions and exchanges with others which I’d normally take in stride, were throwing me off-kilter. I was second-guessing myself in a way that I usually don’t and being oversensitive about minor things. I did my best to auto-pilot and get through my work day. Recognizing that I needed some time to myself to calm my emotions and I also wasn’t in a good emotional space to be around other people, I texted my family to cancel on them that evening.

And I had to ask myself–Why today? What is making me hyper-feel today? When I asked myself those questions, I connected my feelings to my bleeding. I hit the menopausal mark of a year without a period a couple months ago, yet a few days prior, I unexpectedly started bleeding. A surge of hormones made me hyper-emotional.

In this case, Zooming Out looked like me being able to step outside of myself enough to recognize that I was overly emotional. Once I recognized that, despite my intense emotions, I was able to be objective enough to ask myself Why, and reason out the answer. Finally, based on this understanding, I made an appropriate behavioral response–take some time to myself and away from people.

A Non-Example

I was spending a long weekend with R when the first assassination attempt on Trump was made. Our politics align, but R is British, and that’s the lens through which he saw the events, and ultimately me.

We’d been feeling out our chemistry and connection for a couple of days, but the assassination attempt made an abrupt shift in his behavior and treatment of me. Suddenly, I represented all the things that he despised about America–violence, loudness, polarizing politics. He stopped seeing me as an individual and lumped me in with stereotypes. He wasn’t able to Zoom Out and see me for who I am within a larger context of the situation, Rather, he oversimplified, opting to be intellectually lazy.

Ironically, he’s a birder, but he was unable to manage a bird’s eye view. Ha!

How to Zoom Out

Zooming Out effectively requires taking that bird’s eye view. Think about the zoom lens of a camera, allowing you to zoom in on details. In the context of a relationship situation this could be your emotion (e.g., feeling slighted); the details of conversation (e.g., “I’m not the one who does that, you are” or “I’m sorry”); body language (e.g., rolled eye vs. eye contact with nodding and active listening); or actions (e.g., a slammed door, an unreturned text, showing up when they say they will etc.).

Alternatively, Zooming Out is taking that bird’s eye view of seeing the larger context of the situation from further away. In this case, we are Zooming Out from our emotions and the details we’re fixated on, so we can broaden our understanding of the situation. We aren’t neglecting our emotions, but we’re stepping back from them rather than leading with them.

Here are some guidelines that I’ve found helpful in Zooming Out:

Wise Mind

Years ago, my therapist shared with me the framework of Wise Mind. As an empath, I have a deep well of emotions, but I also have an intellectual bent. Wise Mind has helped me integrate these two aspects of myself. In turn, that helps me better navigate my relationships and experience by bringing a more balanced and thoughtful approach to how I live and process my life.

A Venn diagram with a circle representing reasonable mind and the other circle representing emotional mind. Wise mind is where the two circles overlap.

Wise Mind is the intersection of the emotional and rational. It’s the space where we’re neither reigned by emotion nor driven by logic. It’s a place of balance where we simultaneously honor the emotion and navigate with reason. Try using the Wise Mind framework to take a broader view of your relationship(s) and situation(s).

Observe and Ask Questions

To Zoom Out effectively, put some distance between yourself and emotion. Backing away from the emotion can help you see it more clearly. Step outside of yourself so that you can look at yourself in your larger context. Name the emotion(s) you are feeling. Watch your behavior. Ask yourself Why questions: Why are you feeling this way? Why are you behaving that way? Be honest with yourself about whether your feelings and actions are justified. Try and be as objective as possible to try and understand the Why behind your feelings and actions. Notice your thinking and make note of the narrative you’re writing.

Now, Zoom Out to take a more objective look at the people you are in relationship with–friend, lover, colleague, family–and ask yourself questions again. Remember to distance yourself from your feelings. You aren’t trying to blame, rather you’re trying to come to a better understanding. Why are they acting this way? What potential motive(s) is behind their behavior? How do they feel? What is their larger context? What is their narrative? By trying to understand their point of view, you’re taking in the larger context of the situation.

Take a Minute

Time can help you gain insight into a situation. Time allows you to mentally sit with something, take it in, and examine it from different perspectives. The emotions may still be strong and/or deep, but time can help you choose a better behavioral response than an impulsive emotional reaction.

The amount of time you sit with a situaion depends on both what you need and what’s appropriate to the situation. It’s taken me months to discern some romantic connections. I may need several minutes, hours, or even a full day to determine an appropriate response to a text or email. I find that I make better decisions and give better responses when I allow myself adequate time to process my thoughts and feelings.

Truth it Out

The purpose of Zooming Out is to find the larger truth of the situation, not just your personal truth. By using the framework of Wise Mind, you can better assess the larger situational truth(s). You can evaluate whether your feelings and actions are valid, as well as whether someone else’s are. Keep in mind that it’s possible that multiple points of view are valid and the situation may be complex to navigate. The view depends on where you stand and look at the scene.

If you recognize that your own feelings or actions may be at fault, then ask yourself if you need to do something to rectify the situation. In my case, that was taking a day away from my family when my emotions were overwhelming.

If you believe that someone else’s behavior is at fault, then ask yourself what action makes the most sense in navigating the situation. Maybe that’s a conversation with them. Maybe that’s pulling back from the situation. In the case of R, it was recognizing that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I deserved to be treated better. That helped me find peace within the disappointment of our failed connection.

Final Thoughts

The practice of Zooming Out can help you get a better, more balanced perspective on a situation. It entails stepping back from your emotions to see situations more objectively, taking in the larger truth. Strive for an expansive vision, not a narrow view. Try to see where other people are coming from. Understand perceived slights may not be about you at all.

Ultimately, as my sister Megan said, “How people treat you is a reflection of other people’s emotional state and maturity and person, not a reflection of you.” Do your best to objectively truth things out, but also know your worth.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

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Up Next: Q & A: Sexual Desire

On Heterofatalism (and other Trending Topics)

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Anymore, there are constantly trending dating topics. Some current ones are the alpine divorce, ghostlighting, the loneliness of young men , etc. We’re at the mercy of the Social Media age with its hashtags, echo chambers, and the irony of its social isolation whilst we’re simultaneously over-connected. Social Media quickly recognizes and communicates these trends, but it also exacerbates the underlying social phenomenon being recognized and named. Perhaps Social Media is even responsible for the creation of some phenomena. The phenomenon Heterofatalism particularly intrigues me, because I live in its neighborhood.

Heterofatalism Defined…Kind of

Sexuality scholar Asa Seresin coined both the terms Heteropessism and Heterofatalism, the latter being an evolution of the former. I’ve seen varying definitions of the two.

Urban Dictionary defines Heteropessimism and Heterofatalism interchangeably as, “Also called heteropessimism, heterofatalism is an attitude of embarrassment or negativity towards one’s heterosexuality. Heterofatalism consists of a performative disaffiliation with heterosexuality and a desire to have a different sexual orientation.”

I’ve also seen articles which discuss nuances between the terms. In her Forbes article, The Emotional Cost of Dating Men and How Women are Rewriting the Rules Ximena Araya-Fischel distinguishes the two terms:

“Heteropessimism refers to the ironic detachment and performative complaint about men while still participating in heterosexual dating. Its emotional tone is often askew and cynical…,“

…and “Heterofatalism, on the other hand, carries a more profound resignation: the belief that dating men may be unsatisfying, but there’s no better alternative. Its tone is more defeated and ambivalent, emerging from emotional labor burnout and accumulated relational hopelessness…”

Araya-Fischel further declares, “Unlike Heteropessimism, which performs emotional detachment for irony or cool-girl effect, Heterofatalism carries a heavier emotional resignation.”

The Problem with Narrow Definitions

I’m an English major and logophile, a lover of words and language. Language evolves over time, with certain words falling away and others being added to the lexicon. The problem I’m having with the terms Heteropessimism and Heterofatalism is that the definitions I’ve come across are both inconsistent and narrow. Whatever you want to call it or whichever definition(s) you land on, both Heteropessimism and Heterofatalism are concepts that are trying to put words to an observed social reality. The more narrowly you define that reality, the more people you leave out, even if they live in the neighborhood.

Me

I have no desire to be other than I am, a heterosexual woman. But, I do see myself living in the neighborhood of Heterofatalism. My feelings and experience are part of the social reality that is being recognized, whether or not I fit the narrowness of the definition.

My generation of women was raised with the promise of Disney princesses who always got their prince and a happily ever after ending. That’s a pretty unrealistic expectation to set us up for. Meanwhile, though the women’s movement was underway during my youth, there are still men of my generation who have a sense of male entitlement, often with no self-awareness of such.

My personal frustration as a 55 year old heterosexual woman comes from years of working to be my best self and from putting time and energy into understanding the milieu of dating, relationships, and men, yet still being single. And I’m still single, because I won’t settle for less than I want and deserve. I’m lonely, but I’d rather be lonely alone than lonely in relationship, because the latter comes with a suffocating stuckness. I know, because I’ve been there.

Why haven’t I found the right man? I’ve found many men who weren’t really compatible or to my type. There are the men who were condescending or mansplained or angry or assholes. There were men who hadn’t done the work they needed to do on themselves. Plenty of men failed to treat me right. Some men didn’t prioritize me, and I moved on. And there’ve also been some perfectly lovely men who I simply didn’t feel the right chemistry with. The right man? I’ve found some right men, but for one reason or another, it hasn’t worked out. Sometimes that happens. And that frustrates, disappoints, and pains me. That’s my personal story, but we all have a story.

While I can get frustrated, disappointed, sad, and admittedly, on my bad days, even bitter and resentful about my single status, I’m also empowered enough that I don’t need to settle. That’s the empowerment of my generation of women–we have our own careers and autonomy; we don’t need to tether ourselves to a man for financial security. While single is not my ideal, I have the resources to remain single if I don’t have a more attractive option. Historically, that hasn’t always been the case for women. I’m grateful for that autonomy, because I’d rather be single than settle.

Beyond Me

That is my story, but there are plenty of other stories in the Heterofatalism neighborhood. Heterofatalism is a recognition of a social truth that is much broader than the narrow definition allows for.

Other Women in the Neighborhood

Some women in the neighborhood have given up on dating and happily so. It just isn’t worth it to them anymore, and they’d rather prioritize living their life on their terms. Some of them prefer being single.

Other women, like my friend Kate, would like to be in a right relationship, but aren’t willing to put the energy into dating at this time. She’d rather put that energy into other things.

And certainly, there are other women who feel the pessimissm of dating as a heterosexual woman, yet are willing to settle to be in a romantic relationship, ultimately placing the value in companionship itself over right companion.

Men in the Neighborhood

And, let’s be fair. Women don’t have a monopoly on being frustrated and pessimistic about their dating experience. There are plenty of heterosexual men who live in the neighborhood too, with their own legitimate frustrations about dating and dating women.

We’re in this Together

Dating is not an us vs. them, nor a who-has-it-worse competition. We shouldn’t be going into dating on the defense. We should go into it with the vision of finding someone to be our teammate, rather than viewing our dating pool as our opponents.

The big picture is, that whatever our experience or outlook is, we’re in this together. We all have a range of experiences and responses to our experience. No one group holds a monopoly on loneliness, frustration, grief, or, for that matter, success. We are better off if we choose to see each other as individuals and honor each other’s experience with empathy.

Social Media and the current climate of polarizing politics can lead us to tunnel vision and echo chambers, reinforcing our negative emotions and experiences. Within this context, it’s easy to feel cynical. I suffer from SAD, which for me dials up the volume during the winter on any negative emotions I’m already feeling. That makes it easy for me to lean into bitterness and pessimism. But negative emotions can handicap us. I know that I’ve let negative mood prematurely derail a potentially good connection. While negative emotions may be legitimate, they don’t lend themselves to fostering positive connection. And personally, negative is neither who I want to be, nor how I want to feel.

It’s in our best interest to zoom out and see the bigger picture, to look past the labels and Social Media trending topics to recognize each other as individuals with histories. If we can manage to unpack our own baggage in tandem with honoring, rather than scrutinizing, each other’s journeys, we can get to empathy, something which, to our own detriment, we’ve culturally drifted away from.

Empathy fosters connection rather than divisiveness. Empathy allows us to overcome and rise above the outright cruelty of some of the dating trends. An alpine divorce? If you don’t like someone, just break it off, don’t put them at physical risk. Ghostlighting? Make up your mind. If you’re not interested, move on. But don’t fuck with people. How did we get here? What have we become? Empathy is how we rise above and overcome the petttiness, indifference, and cruelty of our larger social context. Empathy is how we become better humans, how we are humane, and how we ready ourselves for connection.

Final Thoughts

Dating is hard, and it comes with plenty of emotional ups and downs. While online dating platforms have given us the opportunity to connect with people we may not have encountered otherwise, they come with frustrations too. As our lives have gravitated more online, it’s both easier to connect with many people, yet we’ve ironically become more socially isolated and lonely. Social Media exacerbates much of that experience. It’s bad enough that some people are even seeking companionship from AI.

To rise above and be better than the social trends which are culturally dragging us down, pay attention to individuals and see people through an empathy lens. Honor your justified negative feelings, but don’t marinate in their brine nor lead with them in your interactions. Look for the good in people, in yourself, and in your life.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

May you find the good and good connection. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Zoom Out

Beware: How to Spot Fake Profiles

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Fake profiles and bots are not a new thing, but if you’ve spent any time on a dating app recently, you’ve probably noticed that fake profiles are on the rise. Last autumn, I noticed a seemingly exponential increase of fake profiles in tandem with the push of AI into the mainstream. AI has made fake profiles that much easier to generate for those with malintent. Let’s look at how to spot a fake profile, so you can both protect yourself and not waste your time on phonies.

Signs of a Fake Profile

There are a lot of different signs that a profile might be fake. Pay attention to the signs. The more signage there is, the more likely the profile is fake.

Photos

Certain things about a profile’s photos can clue you in that it might be a fake profile.

Few Photos

If a profile only has three or four photos (or worse, less!) then that’s a sign that it might be a fake profile. Fake profiles are usually thrown together quickly. The less there is in the profile, the more likely it is to be fake.

Exceptionally Attractive Photos

If the profile photos are all exceptionally attractive (think 8-10 on a 10 point scale) that’s a blinking neon sign, especially in conjuction with only having 3-4 photos. There just aren’t that many people that look that great all the time.

This is especially true the older the age bracket is that you’re working with. Some people don’t age well and other people simply don’t take care of themselves as they age. I’m 55, and there are fewer physically attractive options in my dating range than there were a decade ago. Despite that, I noticed several months ago that there were suddenly a plethora of good looking men in their fifties on Match, almost overnight. Where had they been hiding? They hadn’t been created yet.

That AI Aura

Do you know what I mean by an “AI aura”? That clean soft atmospheric quality to photos? Fake, fake, fakity fake. This aura is due in part to the low resolution of AI photos. Here’s an example of an original/real photo and one generated with AI:

Note the simplified background in the AI photo; how flawless she looks (hair, makeup, wardrobe, expression, smooth skin, perfect eyebrows, etc.); the simplicity of the wardrobe; and the overall softness of the photo.

This, in contrast to the original photo with a complicated background; her leaning at an angle; a little shine on her face; her mouth not quite open nor closed. This is the imperfection of real life.

AI photos can be generated across time and place, with and without other people in them. Real profiles can have AI photos, but an AI photo should give you good cause to be skeptical. Why aren’t they showing you who they really are?

If you’re interested in learning about how to discern AI photos from real photos, take this quiz.

The Summary

The profile summary can also give different tip-offs that it might be a fake profile.

There is No Summary

Fake profiles usually demonstrate very low effort, such as few photos and no Profile Summary at all.

There is a Very Limited Summary

A very limited Profile Summary, such as a paragraph, is still pretty low effort. Low effort is a sign of either a lazy human or a fake profile. Are you interested in either?

Generic or Bland Content

If the Profile Summary says something without really saying anything, that’s another potential sign of a fake profile. A fake profile doesn’t want to alienate anyone, so its content will be rather vanilla. Nothing offensive, but nothing enticing either. You won’t really be able to get a sense of who they are, because they aren’t real.

Fake Profile Summaries usually read like they could have been written by anyone. They like beaches? Who doesn’t? They’re a foodie? As if liking food is a novel thing! Ask yourself, does the profile say anything that is truly novel or differentiates it from other profiles? If not, maintain some skepticism.

It Doesn’t Make Sense

I’ve read a Profile Summary that read as gibberish (Match). It didn’t make sense at all, and it was written in a way that people just don’t talk. If a Profile Summary has a nonsensical vibe to it, then it’s probably inauthentic.

Prompts and Information

When looking at a profile, check the Prompts and Information carefully to see if there are any contradictions. Contradictions in a profile are a sign of a hastily put together fake profile.

Some examples that I’ve seen:

  • A man who’s job was a Doctor of Philosophy but whose education was a bachelor’s degree. A Doctor of Philosophy should have a doctorate, that’s what a PhD is. (Elite Singles)
  • A man who replied to a prompt that he was not eco-conscious at all. Yet the reponse to another prompt said enthusiastically that he’d love to go on an eco-conscious date! (OK Cupid)

Also, if the Prompt responses and Information are non-specific and bland, it could be someone unoriginal or it could be a fake profile trying to be inoffensive. For instance, while there are some Apolitical people out there, these days, that’s a rare stance. It could be a phony who doesn’t want to put anyone off with a political stance.

Messaging

If you get to the point where you’re messaging with someone but they don’t offer much about themselves–they’re vague or generally neutral without a decided opinion on much of anything–then they’re either a poor conversationalist, or they’re trying not to be offensive because they’re phony and trying to draw you in.

Another sign that a profile might be fake is if their first focus is on what you want from relationship, before even getting to know you and discerning compatibility.

Also pay attention to whether they’re reflecting back to you what they think you want to hear or whether they’re offering their perspective regardless of knowing what your preference is.

Redundant Profiles

With a 1500 mile dating radius, this one might be easier to spot for me than those of you dating locally, but I’ve noticed a trend of redundant profiles that signal fake profiles. What I mean by this is that the malintents behind the fake profiles work to generate a large quantity of fake profiles quickly, and that’s easier to do if the profiles share a lot of commonalities, much like an assembly line.

The profiles may be similar in stats–I’ve seen a plethora of profiles with 5’11”, 55 years of age, widowed, graduate degree, seeking serious relationship, and 3-4 photos. Many of them even had the same name, Dominid (Match).

Sometimes I’ll notice a trending name–Dominid was a thing, but I’ve seen surges of Davids, Tims, etc. at different times as well. Last week the nom du semaine was Tony (Match).

Once, I even saw two fairly fleshed out Profile Summaries that were identical–they had different photos, but the exact same content copied and pasted (Match).

If You’re Not Sure

All of the above examples are signs that a profile might be fake. The more signage the profile offers to that effect, the more likely it is that it’s a fake profile, but there are some potential exceptions to why a real profile might present like a potentially fake one, particularly if the information/summary is scarce and the photos are few.

Laziness

It’s possible that someone who doesn’t offer a lot of information or photos is simply too lazy to put much effort into their profile. But if they don’t offer much, how much energy are you willing to put into finding out whether or not they’re real and, if so, who they are?

New

Someone who’s new to online dating or a dating platform may have a profile-in-progress where they haven’t fully fleshed it out yet. That could give off a lot of the same signs as a fake profile. So, if you’re intrigued, but there’s not much there, then you have to put in the energy to discern whether they are real and, if so, to draw them out and discover who they are.

Unremarkable

And then there are people who simply don’t have much to say. They might be real, but they don’t offer much. How much interest do you have in finding out if such a profile might be real or if it’s fake?

Your Profile

Keeping in mind the potential signs of a fake profile, consider your own profile–be careful not to give off fake profile vibes.

Photos

Have several photos across place and time. Anymore, a minimum of eight photos is sufficient to demonstrate that you’ve put some effort into representing who you are and what you authentically look like.

Ensure that you’re sharing what you authentically look like–no AI, no filters, no blurry hard-to-distinguish photos, no oudated photos. Show potential matches who you really are now, the person who will show up on the date. If you show who you really are, potential matches won’t be disappointed when you show up, because you didn’t misrepresent yourself. In this era of fake profiles and the artifice of intelligence, being REAL is a strength.

Profile Summary, Prompts, and Information

One of the signs of a fake profile is that there is no or little information given. Don’t let that be you. Do your best to adequately and accurately represent who you authentically are in your profile.

Final Thoughts

It makes me sad to say, but these days, to be safe, it’s best to lead with some skepticism when looking at dating profiles, particularly if a profile presents some of the signs aforementioned. If you’re intrigued despite some questionable signage, be sure to do due diligence to protect yourself. Ask questions, try to learn them, do a Google search to ensure they’re who they represent themselves to be. Open yourself up cautiously. And remember that the more signage there is, the more likely it’s a fake profile.

Have you noticed any signs of fake profiles that I didn’t mention? If so, please let me know in the comments below.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Be cautious, and good luck out there!

Up Next: On Heterofatalism (and other trending topics)

Relationship Values: On Being Seen (and Heard)

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How do you want to feel in romantic relationship? What do you want the experience of romantic relationship to be like? Those are your Relationship Values. Through my relationship and dating experiences, I discerned what I really want in a relationship. This discernment has come from both ends of the spectrum–the “This is great, I want to feel like this!” and the “Wow, this really sucks, no thank you.” One of the core Relationship Values that I identified in my journey is feeling both seen and heard. Don’t we all crave that? For someone to see and value us for who we are?

I’ve been with men who were attractive and whose company I enjoyed, yet I didn’t feel that they truly saw me. While I enjoyed the experience of them in the moment, I won’t be unseen in a relationship–there’s a loneliness and incompleteness in that. Better to be lonely alone than lonely in relationship.

I’m a complete person. I don’t need another person to complete me, but if a man can’t see the full spectrum of me, if he has limited vision, therein lies the incompleteness. I want a partner who can see my expanses and who has expanses for me to explore as well. Until I find that man, I choose to remain single.

Joel

One summer in NYC, I spent a few evenings with Joel. He’s attractive and successful, sweet and considerate–a great guy. One evening, he tried to surprise me with a wine varietal that I talked about enthusiastically the night before (Albariño, a current favorite), but he got the wrong varietal. To his credit, it started with an ‘A’. It was such a sweet gesture and much appreciated, but there was also a disconnect. He listened, but not quite enough.

Another night, I wanted to watch the Belmont Stakes and invited him to join me. He found a bar where we could watch the race, and we ordered drinks. I asked for a food menu as I hadn’t eaten much and didn’t want alcohol to get the better of me. He tried to put me off, because he wanted to take me out to a special restaurant later. Again, he wanted to please me, and there’s a sweetness in that, but he wasn’t hearing me–I knew that I needed some food to put the alcohol on, or we wouldn’t make it to dinner. In the end, I got something to nosh on while we watched the race AND I made it to dinner.

I like Joel. My trip was better for his presence in it, for making human connection. He’s kind and thoughtful, and, because of that, I’m grateful I met him. But I want more. I want someone who sees, hears, and understands me. I want someone who really gets me, not just someone pleasant trying to please me.

Stromboli and Me

A few years ago, I watched Roberto Rossellini’s film Stromboli, set in the fallout of World War II. It stars Ingrid Bergman as Karin, who has reservations about marrying a man she hardly knows–a man who, though smitten with her, doesn’t really know her and doesn’t really see her. Her reservations are prescient, and as the film unfolds Bergman feels increasingly unhappy, claustrophobic, and desperate in her relationship.

That’s how I felt in my marriage. My ex never saw me. At times, he accused me of doing something with ulterior motives, attributing some action of mine to a manipulation that had nothing whatsoever to do with my rationale or behavior.

If I told him that something he did was hurtful to me, my ex inevitably turned it around saying, “I’m not the one who does that, you are.” In doing so, he denied my experience and deflected any responsibility. It was unbearably frustrating. Like the Tommy song, I wanted to cry out, “See me!…” The version my ex saw of me was warped and distorted, like the reflection in a fun house mirror or like the fire’s shadow in Plato’s Cave versus the vision of the sun. I am radiant, but he only saw flickering shadows of me.

On Being Seen and Heard

I read a quote on Reddit once that still resonates with me, “Loneliness doesn’t end when you are surrounded by people; it ends when you are seen for who you are.” I can’t say it any better.

I’ve met men who saw me more completely in one week than my ex did in ten years. David is such a man. It was as if he intuited me. We spoke the same language and instinctively understood each other. I never had to explain myself; I could just tell my story and know he heard me. It was a relief for someone to see and understand me so clearly, so intimately. The world was a less lonely place for a while.

A copy of Felix Gonzalez-Torres‘ Untitled: Double Portrait hangs on my wall. It reminds me of how relationship with David felt, how I want relationship to feel. The composition is two complete circles. I see two whole individuals who make something infinitely more in their shared space. A circle itself is a symbol of infinity. Gonzales-Torres’ Double Portrait even looks like the infinity symbol. I seek expanses, not limits, and I won’t be limited by someone’s inability to fully see me.

Photo: My somewhat-battered copy of Felix Gonzalez-Torres’ Untitled: Double Portrait from London’s Tate Modern Museum.

David’s not the only man who’s seen me. Damon, Bruce, Evan, and of late, Isaac, have all made me feel seen and heard. It’s a sacred gift to see and hear another human being and it’s a precious gift to be on the receiving end of. They’re men of both high caliber and capacity. Single I remain until such a man sees me and partners with me.

It’s Not Just About Romance

I go forth authentically in the world and try to be a good human being, though, like all of us, I fall short at times. I want people to see me for the woman I am and to allow me grace for the moments when I fall short. And I want and deserve that not only in a romantic partner, but in general. I strive to give the same in turn. That is the woman I am.

Many years ago, I took Adaptive Schools training. Adaptive Schools has seven norms of collaboration to encourage positve collegial relationships. The norms are really just good basic social skills. One of them is Presuming Positive Intentions, or assuming that someone means well, unless and until there’s evidence to the contrary. And yet, so often, people are prone to assuming the worst. When you’re trying to be your best, but someone assumes the worst, the dissonance is mind-bogglingly frustrating.

The Death of My Ex

The death of my ex was a complicated situation. I did not love him. We married for practical reasons–I was pregnant. He wasn’t a good husband to me, and he didn’t treat me well, but he wasn’t a horrible human being either. He was a complicated and flawed human being. Most importantly, he was the father of my children. Our relationship was complicated, sometimes contentious, other times civil and respectful.

When he died, my feelings were likewise complicated. My primary concern was for my children, who lost their father. But I have a strange sort of grief too. I gave him ten years of my life. This isn’t what I wanted for my children, nor for him. I think of him daily, with a sadness that he ran out of days so soon.

Everyone copes with grief differently. One thing that I did in the days following Ben’s death was to delete the shared Google calendar we had for our son’s schedule. I had the information elsewhere, and it was too sad and painful to look at the calendar in its shared obsoleteness. To me, it was a stark visual reminder that he was gone. I still have our text thread on my phone, but I deleted the calendar.

On the heels of that, I got a vitriolic email from his widow who, noticing the calender was deleted, accused me of “dancing a jig on his grave.” She didn’t know why I deleted the calendar, but she assumed the worst possible motive for my behavior. I responded to her vitriol in a civil manner, but I made it clear that her grief didn’t entitle her to lash out at me. She persisted in her poison, and she’s now blocked from my life. Our relationship was never easy, but I expect people to see me for who I am and to treat me with respect.

J

My friend J retired a couple of years ago, and, like many retirees, he mused about what lay ahead. The penultimate time I saw him, he was thinking about relocating to Maine. I mentioned that a few years prior, I talked to a man who relocated to Maine after his divorce. The man had fond memories of Maine from his younger days and thought it would be a good place to relocate. Unfortunately, he was miserable there. In our conversations, he often spoke of how dark and cold it was during the winter. He also complained that the community was tribal and unwelcoming. He was lonely and felt ostracized.

J said, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.”

This accusation took me aback. For my friend to assume that I had an ulterior motive and was anything other than authentic was hurtful. That he thought that I wasn’t evolved enough to just want him to be happy was disappointing. That he assumed the worst of me, that I was being selfish and manipulative, was maddening.

I responded, “I’m just giving you information to help inform your decision. Do what you want with the information. I’m telling you so you can think about it. That’s all. I’m not trying to tell you what decision is right for you. I’m just giving you information.“

He doubled down, “Your information is only the opinion of one person.“

“I never said any different.“

He shifted the subject and went into small talk mode. When we saw each other a few weeks later, it was awkward and tense. Something in our relationship has radically changed, and it’s not me. J no longer sees me for who I am, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. My feelings are complicated. I’m sad, disappointed, hurt, and angry. I deserve to be treated better, yet even now, I love my friend. I miss him. And I continue to hope that he’s happy. I have grace for him should he seek it, but he doesn’t seem to have grace for me.

Final Thoughts

Feeling seen and heard is a core Relationship Value for me in both my romantic and platonic relationships. I go forth in the world with both authenticity and the intention of being the best human being that I can muster. And, at this point in my life, I have little patience for people who fail to see and hear me for who I am when I’m so clear and forthright.

And for you, as you go forth, consider–Are you authentically seeing and hearing others? Do people see and hear you for who you are? I encourage you to do your best to pay attention and honor others. And I wish you the best of luck in being seen and heard in turn. To see and be seen is a beautiful thing. You deserve that.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Beware–How to Spot Fake Profiles

Q & A: What is a Committed Relationship?

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Not long ago, a reader posed this question to me–What is a commited relationship?

Mutual Understanding

To my mind, the most basic aspect of a committed relationship is a mutual agreement to commit to a certain kind (there are different kinds) of romantic relationship. If it isn’t mutually agreed upon, then it’s not really a commitment. And, the very act of committing to a romantic relationship elevates the relationship itself, distinguishing it as both precious and prioritized.

In the past, I’ve on occasion pressed pause on exploring other romantic options upon meeting a man who I found compelling. This, even though there was no mutual agreement to exclusivity. It was my choice not to see other people in such an instance, but it was not a committed relationship. I chose not to see other people despite knowing that he might be seeing other women. It was my choice to do so, with no obligation on his part prior to an agreed upon committment.

Culturally, our ideal of a committed relationship is two people who find each other and say, “Wow, I choose you!“ And what a lucky, exciting, and beautiful thing that is. I aspire to that myself.

Sometimes though, people commit to each other without the exuberance of love, but for practical reasons. I married not for love, but because I was pregnant. I thought and hoped that love might follow, but it didn’t. Nevertheless, I committed myself to a man for ten years, and I honored that committment until our relationship became untenable. Uncommitting is something that happens too. It’s not the plan when people commit to each other, but uncommitting is a potential outcome when the people who commit to each other don’t mutually tend to and take care of the relationship and each other.

Different Levels of Commitment

There are, of course, different levels of commited relationship. A commited relationship can be as basic as agreeing to date each other exclusively to see where the relationship goes. It’s an “I choose you” move, even if it’s for the sake of simply exploring what the relationship can be.

Should both of you desire, you can level up on your commitment. Moving in together, getting engaged, or getting married are all examples of deepening commitment to each other. My sister and her romantic partner have been together for a couple of decades. They live together and have a child together, but they’ve never married. Despite never formally marrying, they have a deep level of commitment to each other. Level of commitment isn’t necessarily defined by terminology or legal status. In a Seinfeld episode, a woman tosses around the word fiance, advertising the level of her commitment, yet it comes across as quite shallow compared to my sister and her romantic partner’s commitment.

Different Kinds of Relationship

Our traditional cultural ideal of committed relationship is two people who commit to each other exclusively and long-term. This is already hard enough to achieve–both in finding a right person to commit to (the “Wow!” factor) in the first place, and then to be able to sustain the relationship in a healthy way long-term.

But just as are there different levels of commitment, there are also different kinds of relationship, such as open-relationships and polyamory. These relationship styles deliberately evade exclusive commitment to one person, even if they involve commitment of some kind. A committed relationship to one person is hard enough to get right. The further relationship strays from a committed relationship, the more complicated and challenging it becomes to maintain a healthy relationship where everyone is happy and no one feels undermined, threatened, or jealous. That’s not to say that such a commitment can’t work, but it’s that much more complicated than two people committed exclusively to each other.

My former brother-in-law’s first marriage (he’s now on his third) was an open marriage. That marriage was short-lived. With an open marriage, they attempted to live both in commitment and uncommitted simultaneously, but their lack of commitment ultimately sabotaged any commitment they did have.

Final Thoughts

If you have any thoughts on committed relationships, I’d love to hear them. Simply leave a comment below. And if you have any questions, please submit them in the comments or on my contact form.

I hope you find that special person who makes you feel lucky to find them and happier for being with them. Good luck out there!

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Up Next: Relationship Values–On Being Seen (and Heard)

Oh so Cliché…

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By their very definition, clichés are a prevalent part of social exchanges. They’ve been overused to the point of triteness, yet people continue to use them–because they’re convenient and familiar. Clichés may even provide a false sense of wisdom to the speaker due to their cultural ubiquitousness, potentially endowing them with a sense of truth or gravitas that often goes unquestioned.

If you don’t already, I encourage you to question clichés.

The Problem with Clichés

Clichés are lazy and unoriginal thinking. They’re stereotypical generalizations and overused sayings that people either say without really thinking about what they’re saying or say because their own thinking is narrow and limited. Clichés are a linguistic crutch that people rely on so they don’t have to strain their brain to express themselves. By relying on clichés, people aren’t exercising their intellect.

I used to work with a woman who was very kind, but she was also a very limited thinker. Her conversation was sprinkled with clichés, and she regularly began a story with, “Long story short…” Well, as a storyteller, if it’s a long-form story, then tell it long! Good storytelling requires proper format. If it’s a long story, by telling it short, you’re leaving out plot development and rushing to the denouement.

Clichés can also be reductive, reducing people to a stereotype. Labels help us understand our world and talk about it. If I say “house,” you can get a picture in your head and understand what I’m referring to. But people are more than labels, and often groups of people are given labels that are steeped in prejudice. When those labels become associated with a group of people long enough, the prejudice becomes entrenched.

Brad’s Friend

Brad told me about a friend of his who thinks women are crazy. Well, that’s certainly a narrow-minded point of view. Of course, there are women who are “crazy” but to assume that of all women is to overgeneralize, stereoptype, and be reductionist. It’s easier for his friend to assume this of all women, because then he doesn’t have to do the work of discernment to distinguish the nuances and subtleties of personality. By doing so, he’s also putting himself above women, a mysoginistic move.

My response to Brad was that obviously that’s not true, but if his friend really thought so based on his experience, then perhaps his friend is drawn to women who are a little crazy. “Crazy” can have a certain energy and excitement about it. I posited to Brad that if his friend wants to be with a woman who isn’t crazy, then he needs to be more discerning in who he chooses to date. Further, it’s easier for Brad’s friend to blame women by stereotyping them, rather than to look to his own behavior and faults.

George Carlin has his own take on the trope: “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

Of course, not all men are stupid. Except maybe the ones who think women are crazy…

Nic

A companion to the crazy woman trope, is the “drama queen” trope. Now, there are certainly dramatic women, but it’s hardly a quality exclusive to women, yet when have you ever heard a man referred to as a “drama king”?

Personally, I despise drama. Enough so, that I mention it in my dating profile. There was a time when I played the role of social diplomat, but eventually I tired of having to negotiate everyone else’s drama. Now, rather than tiptoe around or try to rationalize with drama, I call drama out. In my relationship history, the men who I’ve been involved with were the primary source of any drama.

Nic lives in New Hampshire. We connected during the pandemic. A few days after connecting he said, “Marry me,” and talked about buying an RV to safely come visit me (money not being an issue for him). I suggested we take more time to get to know each other first.

Months later, with the pandemic continuing to rage, we still hadn’t got together. I floated the idea that we both drive, meet midway, and stay at an Airbnb in the countryside. He, as a doctor, didn’t think that was safe, and instead of simply stating his point of view, he attacked me with a misogynist label, calling me “crazy” for even floating such an idea.

When I said that my idea was perfectly rational, even if he didn’t agree with it, he replied, “Drama, drama, drama…,” which, ironically, was more dramatic than anything I said during our discussion. Furthering the irony, is the crazy drama of his gesture to buy an RV and drive cross country to meet me within days of connecting. Nic, of course, failed to see his own drama and crazy.

Clichés limit thinking. They’re thoughtless, thought-less, said without thought. Nic’s reliance on a cliché limited his vision and ability to see the reality of the situation–that I was behaving more rationally, whether he agreed with me or not.

Breaking Down Some Clichés

Let’s examine some other clichés and how they’re narrow in thinking. Here are a few of my not-favorites:

  • “Looking for a partner in crime.” This one is common on dating profiles. I assume that the people who post this on their profile are genuinely looking for a romantic partner. And, while I realize that a partner in crime isn’t the literal intention, how about people think about what they really want in a romantic partner and say that instead? After all, Bonnie and Clyde’s romance didn’t end so well.
  • “I’m a glass half full kind of person.” This is another common one on profiles. It’s so binary and simplistic. People like binary thinking because it’s easy, but life isn’t easy, it’s complicated. The truth is that if the glass is half full, then it’s also half empty and to ignore that is to ignore the full reality. And what if the glass is overflowing? Or almost empty? What is the glass filled with? And what if there’s no glass at all? What is the person who says this really trying to communicate? That they’re optimistic? That they have a sunny disposition? That they try to find the good, even in a bad siutation? Then say that.
  • “Everything happens for a reason.” Try telling that to my cousin whose five year old daughter died a year and a half ago. This saying is simply for the purpose of making the speaker feel better, like they have something worth saying. Sometimes there’s nothing to say to salve a situation, and it’s okay to acknowledge that and sit with the discomfort that life can be a bitch.
  • “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” Yeah, well if that was true, suicide wouldn’t be a thing, would it?
  • “Outside of the box” This one is ironic–a cliché for original thinking! Instead of “outside of the box,” how about getting rid of the box altogether?

Question Clichés

Clichés are so ubiquitous that people often don’t really think about them or their own true meaning and intent. When you hear a cliché, I challenge you to question it. That doesn’t mean you have to confront the speaker, simply question the cliché.

You can question clichés by thoughtfully engaging with them. What does it really mean? Is that actually true or helpful to the situation? Think beyond the cliché.

For instance, have you ever noticed that when people say “I’m so over it,” they often aren’t? “Over it” implies an emotional letting go that many people who say it lack. I caught myself saying this at my therapist’s once about a situation which I was tired of, but clearly not emotionally beyond.

I could say, “I’m so over clichés,” but obviously I’m not, because though I dislike them, I’m stirred up enough about them to write a blog post. While I might not care for clichés, I’m not dispassionate about them. “I’m so over it” often really means someone is frustrated with a situation, but not necessarily beyond it.

You

To move beyonds clichés, begin by noticing them. If you catch yourself in a cliché or overhear one, engage with it and break it down. Take it from something said without thought to something you’re actively thinking about. What are you really thinking or feeling? Say that instead. And if you really don’t know what to say, it’s okay to say that. It’s better than saying something thought-less.

When looking at dating profiles or going on dates, be attuned to whether potential matches overly rely on clichés to express themself. It may or may not be a turn-off for you, but if you pay attention to it, you’re bringing a heightened-awareness to your communication and interactions.

Final Thoughts

I encourage you to be better than clichés, to go forth in your life thoughtfully and full of thought, rather than without. Question, think, care.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Q & A–What is a Committed Relationship?

A Review of Dating Platforms: Hinge

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Among the plethora of dating platforms, Hinge is a key player. One of the many apps owned by Match Group, its tagline is “designed to be deleted,” a reference to its goal of helping you get to successful relationship. With news that NYC mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani met his wife on Hinge, it’s had some renewed interest in the past year. Let’s review Hinge more closely, to better understand its place in the world of dating apps and whether it might be a good fit for you.

General

Here are some basics about the platform:

App Only

The Hinge platform is only available via app, not computer. If apps are your preferred mode, then great! But, it’s a limitation that will annoy some users.

Designed to be Deleted

Hinge’s tagline is designed to attract clientele who are looking for a serious long-term relationship. To that end, it has specific features to encourage that, including limiting the number likes someone can give in one day to eight, unless you have a paid subscription. Hinge states that their research indicates eight is the magic number to helping customers make better matches.

As part of setting their customers up for better matches, their research also showed that liking a specific part of someone’s profile (e.g., a photo, a prompt), rather than a general profile like, leads to more successful outcomes. To that end, you must choose a specific part of someone’s profile to like. In doing so, they further encourage you to add a comment to spark conversation. My son’s friend Jaden likes this aspect of the app. Jaden’s girlfriend liked one of his pictures, initiating a conversation which ultimately led to romantic relationship.

See Hinge’s mission statement if you’d like to see what they have to say about their commitment to “designed to be deleted” in more detail.

Profiles

The profiles are limited in what they contain, but there are certain requirements. This strikes a balance of neither too little nor overmuch information that you can glean from a profile.

For instance, in order to “like” other profiles, you must upload six photos/videos to your own profile. But, six is also the maximum amount of photos you can upload to your profile. No more, no less. Six is a nice minimum amount of photos to see, but an unfortunate maximum limit.

The biographical information is limited as well. There are the several statistics you’re able to provide (e.g., profession, education, politics, religion, etc.), but a limited amount of space where you can describe who you are and who/what you’re looking for in a romantic partner. Beyond the statistics and photos/videos, profiles consist of simply three prompts and answers. Not a lot of space for someone to reveal who they are as a person and who/what they’re looking for.

So, the amount of information that you can relay about yourself or glean from someone else’s profile is adequate, but limited. That said, because there’s a minimum amount of information required, overall, the profiles generally seem more legitimate, better-filled out, and more polished than is often the case on other platforms.

Geography

For those of us who are open to/prefer to date long distance, Hinge isn’t particularly friendly. The maximum distance you can set as a dating radius is 100 miles. You can, however, change your location on your profile, for instance if you’re travelling and want to see who’s available in the area.

Because of the limits of geography, Hinge seems best suited for those who aren’t interested in dating long distance or who live in a cosmopolitan area where there’s a larger quantity of local options.

Profile Structure

Here are the main components of profiles (both yours and theirs):

Six Photos

As I said, no more, no less. Six.

Written Prompts

Rather than an open-ended summary, Hinge provides written prompts for you to answer to tell potential matches about yourself. The upside of this is that it’s a less intimidating prospect for those who are intimidated by the idea of filling a blank page. The downside is that you’re limited to three prompts, not leaving you (or them) much room to share who you are.

As part of a profile, users must choose and answer three prompts. Much like with photos, you choose and answer three–no more, no less. While it’s limiting that you’re restricted to three prompts, as it’s a requirement, it can’t be left empty–users have to give you something of who they are. How much and what they give you can reveal a lot about them, even in a limited space.

Some prompt examples:

  • My greatest strength…
  • I’m looking for…
  • Two truths and a lie:

I suggest that you answer your selected prompts thoughtfully and fully–a paragraph or two. The more information you provide about who you are, the more likely you are to attract a quality match.

Optional Content

In addition to the required profile components there are some optional components.

Video Prompt

Much like the written prompts, you can also do a video prompt (e.g., “I recently discovered that…”). The idea of the video prompt is to show who you are with added dimensionality. By being more than pictures to see and words to be read, you’ll seem that much more real. They can hear your voice, see you move, read your body language.

If you opt in, remember that you want to present your best self in video form. Do a mirror check–should you powder your face? Brush your hair? Change to a shirt without a coffee stain? Do you have something in your teeth? No need to be uptight about it, but don’t be slovenly either.

Also, think through what you want to say. Practice a few times. If you need to, practice in front of a mirror. You want to be natural, not stilted in your response. By rehearsing, you allow yourself to get more comfortable, thus enabling you to come across the way you want.

Prompt Poll

Another option is the Prompt Poll. In this option, you choose a prompt, then give three responses for potential matches to choose from.

For instance, you choose a prompt such as, “Let’s break the ice by…”

Then you write three possible responses for potential matches to choose from, such as…

  • Option 1: singing karaoke
  • Option 2: speaking in an accent
  • Option 3: randomly breaking out in dance moves.

They can be a bit silly, but if a prompt speaks to you, and you’re feeling creative, then go for it!

Voice Prompt

Another prompt option is the Voice Prompt. This option offers potential matches more dimensionality than the written prompt, but less than the Video Prompt. They can’t see you moving in space, but it allows them to hear you vocal tonal qualities.

Voice Prompt examples:

  • A boundary of mine is…
  • Biggest risk I’ve ever taken…
  • A random fact I love is...

If you opt for this, much like the video prompt, it’s a good idea to rehearse your response a few times to get comfortable. Be yourself, making sure to keep your tone warm, open, and unhurried. Ensure the Voice Prompt works for you, not against you, if you choose it.

Identity

This part of a profile is where you identify your pronouns, gender, and sexuality.

My Virtues

Virtues may be a questionable term for the content, but this section of a profile is where you list your work, job title, education, religious beliefs, dating intentions, relationship type, etc.

My Vitals

This part of a profile is where you share your name, age, height, ethnicity, children, etc.

My Vices

This section is where you reveal whether or not you’re a lush, smoke, use marijuana, or are a drug addict. If you have other vices, apparently you’re not expected to come clean about them on your profile.

Feeds

There are three different feeds on the Hinge platform: Discover, Standouts, and Likes You.

Discover

The Discover feed is marked by an H symbol on the app. This is where you can browse profiles, and, if you find someone you’re interested in, like some part of their profile.

Standouts

The Standout feed is marked by a * symbol on the app. This feed has ten profiles that rotate daily. Each profile features a particular prompt/response that Hinge selected based on your preferences.

Likes You

The Likes You feed is marked by a heart symbol on the app. As the name of the feed implies, this is where you can see users who have liked you, but with the caveat that you can only see one at a time unless you pay for a subscription. Only allowing users to see one profile at a time encourages users to engage with profiles rather than scroll through them, or, alternatively, to shell out money for the convenience of having access to multiple profiles.

Other Features

Roses

If you really like someone, you can send them a Rose, which functions similarly to a Super Like, making your profile rise to the top of someone’s list. Users get one free Rose per week, but you can purchase additional Roses within the app.

Boosts

A Boost lifts your profile to the front of the line, so that more people see your profile, for one hour. Superboosts do the same thing for twenty-four hours.

Messaging

Hinge encourages messaging when you like part of someone’s profile. Once a message is sent, Hinge will notify users that it’s “Your Turn” to respond. This helps keep momentum in a connection, as well as discouraging ghosting.

Once someone includes a phone number in a message exchange, Hinge will follow up with users to see if you’ve met, and if so, how you felt about the quality of the connection. This helps Hinge continue to tweak the algorithm to try to provide better matches.

Dealbreakers

If there are any qualities that are true dealbreakers for you, you can mark them as such in your Preferences. Note that this will filter out matches that don’t meet your preference on that quality. Unless it’s a true dealbreaker, you probably don’t want to mark it as such.

Subscriptions vs. No Subscription

You’re able to do a lot on the Hinge platform without paying for a subscription, including liking profiles, seeing likes, and messaging. This was an inviting aspect of the feature for some twenty-somethings I talked to who are still in school and not in the career/money-making phase of life. To me this also suggests that it’s a good app to try-on, and, if you have a good experience, it may be worth considering paying for a Hinge + subscription.

Hinge +

A Hinge + subscription comes with the additional perks of unlimited daily likes (a free subscription is limited to eight); the ability to see all of your incoming likes at the same time (rather than one by one); and advanced filtering preferences.

Paid Hinge subscriptions can be pricey, especially when you consider all of the features available for free, but you might find some of the additional perks worthwhile. If you’re interested in exploring expanded features, the current cost for a Hinge + subscription at the time of this writing is:

  • 1 month @ $10.49/week, around $45.74/month
  • 3 months @ $6.99/week, around $30.48/month, or a total of about $91.43
  • 6 months @ $5.83/week, around $25.42/month, or a total of about $152.51

As you can see, the longer the subscription you pay for, the more money you save over time.

Hinge X

With a Hinge X subscription, you get all the perks of a Hinge + subscription as well as the additional features Enhanced Recommendations; Skip the Line; and Priority Likes.

Enhanced Recommendations brings potential matches who share more of your preferences to the top of your Discover.

Skip the Line is like a constant Boost.

Priority Likes keeps your profile at the top of recipients’ lists for seven days, working much like Roses. Because of the similarity to Roses, it seems like a rather pointless feature.

At the time of this writing, the cost of a Hinge X subscription is:

  • 1 week @ $24.99/week
  • 1 month @ $12.83/week, around $55.94/month
  • 3 months @$7.77/week, around $33.87/month, or about $99.99 total
  • 6 months @ $6.99/week, around $30.48/month, or about $182.86 total

Hinge X features bear a lot of similarity to the features you already have access to in the free subscription and Hinge + subscription. A Hinge X subscription seems to be a poor value for the extra money.

Users’ Thoughts

When I asked people about their experience on Hinge, the responses were generally positive. For many, it was their preferred platform. Everyone I talked to was using the free subscription. Some of their thoughts:

Jaden, a twentysomething, met his girlfriend through Hinge and had several good things to say about the platform. When I asked if it was the platform he had the best experience on, he replied in the affirmative, saying, “Yes, it was the most interactive in a human way.”

Brad, who’s in his fifties, said that it seemed to have a “higher level of quality” than other platforms he’d used, and he definitely prefers it to Match.

Additional Information

Hinge does seem to be geared more toward younger users (Gen Z). An example of this leaning is that they’re an app-only platform.

Some users feel that Hinge isn’t what it used to be, that its quality is on the decline. It certainly isn’t the only dating platform that can be said about. Match used to be the king of dating apps, but they’ve abdicated that title. Customer Service in general seems to be on the decline–I had a frustrating experience trying to get help with a Microsoft issue the other day. Wouldn’t it be lovely if customer satisfaction was a priority? Any platform/company/corporation can choose to step it up any day. It’s a niche waiting to be claimed. If only.

It’s also of note that some users have filed a lawsuit accusing Hinge and Tinder of allowing serial rapists to remain on the apps, even after being reported. Per this, remember to properly vet potential matches; Google search them (make sure they are who they say they are; don’t put yourself in any precarious circumstances; and trust your gut. There are some bad people out there, be careful.

If you’re interested in a more thorough breakdown of the app, including details, tips, comparisons, and articles, VIDA Select has many resources.

Final Thoughts

Overall, Hinge stacks up nicely against its competitors and there are a lot of great accessible features even on the free subscription. With a tagline of “designed to be deleted,” I hope that if you use it, they live up to that claim.

If you have experience with Hinge and/or other platforms and would be willing to share your thoughts, please leave a comment below or contact me.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Oh so Cliché

Manage Your Relationship Expectations: Further Down the Road

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Last summer, I wrote about the importance of managing your expectations when you’re just getting to know someone. But, what about when you have a history with someone? What if you know them well? Histories often come with complications. There are reasons you aren’t together or that you haven’t gone all in. How to manage your relationship expectations with someone when you’re further down the road?

In managing your expectations, it’s key to be honest with yourself and truth out the situation. This requires zooming out from the situation emotionally, to consider it more objectively. The good thing is, time can make this easier. You may feel strong connection to a person, but may no longer be in throes of excitement of the early days of connection. Your emotions may be more manageable with time. This, in turn, can make your expectations easier to manage.

You Know What You Know

If someone’s been in your life for a while, but it hasn’t manifested as a relationship; isn’t currently manifesting as a relationship; or isn’t manifesting at the level of relationship you’d like, you still have the advantage of information. You’ve been down this road and seen the landscape. You’ve had an opportunity to learn them; discern the dynamic between yourselves; and you have a shared history that you can learn from.

When we don’t learn from our history, we often doom ourselves to repeating it. But, we can choose to be intentional about learning from our histories, including our relationship and romantic histories. And, by doing so, we can make conscious and informed choices within those contexts.

You Know Them

Over time, you’ve had the chance to learn them–their strengths, their faults, their appeal, their annoyances. Be well-attuned to all of their qualities, not just their more attractive ones. We aren’t teenagers anymore, so ensure that you’re not looking at them through rose-colored glasses, but that you’re seeing them in all their human dimensionality.

For me, Isaac is one of the funniest people I know. He makes me laugh. Being with him is fun. When he invited me for a visit last summer, I happily accepted.

One morning, as I was making toast, he sidled up to me and asked, “Do you know what’s worse than a Cuisinart toaster?”

“No,” I responded, looking at him quizzically.

“Nothing!” He replied with a smile.

Isaac makes something as quotidian as making toast, fun. Yet, he’s not consistently reliable about showing up. Several times over the years, he’s backed out of our rendezvous, for various reasons. I know I can count on him in the general (he’s been there for me on some dark days), but not always in the specific. I know this about him, and I can’t expect it to change unless he demonstrates different behavior on a consistent basis. And it’s my job to pay attention and note if he does.

You Know Yourself

Not only have you had the chance to get to know them well over time, you’ve known yourself even longer! Be honest with yourself about your own strengths and weaknesses, both as an individual and regarding them. Use this self-knowledge to help you discern how to handle the situation in a way that you can manage and that supports your best self-interest.

When I met Isaac, I fell for him immediately. In the intervening years, I’ve been through a lot. I’m a feeling person and an empath, but over the years, I’ve also emotionally toughened up. I’m a different version of myself than the woman he originally met. This affects my interactions, expectations, and choices regarding him in the specific, as well as more broadly in my life.

You Know Your Shared History

So you’ve been down the road with them for a bit, maybe taking off-ramps here and there, but you’re still on the same road, even if you aren’t always travelling in tandem. At this point, you’re cognizant of your relationship dynamic, the energy and chemistry between you. You also know what you’ve experienced together and done to each other–both the good stuff and the bad bits.

My History with Isaac

In my case, Isaac’s been in my life for twelve years. We’ve never been in a committed romantic relationship, but we’ve had several dates and rendezvous over the years. Over time, we’ve become friends, with complications. There were a couple of angry years where we went without talking to each other, but we’ve also seen each other through romantic disappointments, as well as flirted and found our way back to each other.

There’s always been a reason why we haven’t manifested as a couple. His reasons have changed over time, but he’s always had a reason. With time, I’ve come to a better understanding of him and his reasons. And, I’ve come to accept him as he is.

Admittedly, I don’t appreciate feeling like I’m somehow insufficient in his eyes, but he gets to determine what he wants. And to date, I continue to accept the terms of our relationship/non-relationship because I like having him in my life. My life is better for his presence in it.

My Managed Expectations

When Isaac invited me to come for a visit, I gladly accepted. We arranged for a three-day visit, longer than we’ve ever spent together. I didn’t know how it would go, but I was intrigued to find out. For everything we’ve been through, I find him compelling, and I care about him. And, whatever might happen, I knew at this point in my journey that I could handle it.

For the three days I was with him, I was happy. That’s no small thing. I savored our time together. And, perhaps that’s all I get. Regardless, it was worth it. And now, we’ll see what happens, or doesn’t, on the other side of those three days.

I’m an expansive person, and ironically, he both expands me, while putting limits on us. I accept that. He’s worth having in my life, even with limits. I can’t say that about every man I’ve cared for. But because of those limits, I’m cautious about how much oxygen I give to my feelings and expectations.

Should a man surface who makes me feel as expansive as I do with Isaac but without the limits, or should I tire of this version of what we are, I can always impose my own limits. Alternatively, should Isaac continue to broaden what we can be, I can give more oxygen to my feelings and expectations. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying him and us for whatever we are.

What Can You Handle?

For now, I’m at a place where I’ve come to accept my relationship with Isaac for whatever it is or isn’t, even with limits. I don’t have to, but I do. Absent Isaac expanding his limits, I can create my own terms for what we are, should I choose to, knowing that doing so might further limit what we are. For whatever reason, at this point, I’m able to manage living with his terms. But, I haven’t been able to accept every man’s limits.

Evan was upfront that he didn’t see a long-distance relationship “in the stars” for him, despite having had an international long-distance relationship with his ex. Nevertheless, he was drawn to my profile and wanted to get to know me better.

We spent over a year talking on the phone regularly, and we became close–so close that it became difficult for me to live with his limitations, even though he’d been very upfront about them. Because of this, I eventually put limitations on our interactions. Emotionally, it ended up being easier not to talk to him at all.

So, what can you handle? What can you manage without causing yourself undue pain? And what might be worth any fallout? Use your knowledge of yourself, of them, and of your shared history to help determine what you can handle. This will help you better manage your relationship expectations and navigate whatever relationship you have. And most important–make sure that you’re taking good care of yourself.

Beware of Hope

Hope’s a tricky thing. It can be a helpful coping mechanism, but it can also be a real bitch. A lack of any Hope is a dark place to live, but Hope indulged too much can set you up for disappointment.

Truth It Out

Truthing it out means being honest with yourself about the realities of your situation. It requires zooming out emotionally, and looking at facts, events, words, and actions through a rational lens.

I can Hope that maybe Isaac will continue to expand what we are even further. It’s even possible that Evan could have an Aha! moment and realize that I’m worth the work of long distance. Either of those could happen. But, I have a lot of experience with both men, and I need to factor that history into my accounting of each situation. So, how much oxygen am I going to feed that Hope with? I’m very careful about that. Isaac is still showing up, so that situation gets oxygen. Evan isn’t, so that situation is oxygen starved.

What are the Truths of your situation?

Keep Your Hope and Expectations Realistic

A more realistic Hope in my case, would be that someday I find right relationship with a man who I have a special connection with. Now, I have fifteen years of being single that would argue that might not happen. But, in those fifteen years, I’ve also dated a lot of men, had some relationships, and made some special connections. I only need one man to get it right with. By keeping Hope more generalized than specific, we’re less likely to set ourselves up for disappointment.

In the specific, regarding Isaac, we’ve grown closer over the years, and it wouldn’t be unrealistic to Hope that we continue to do so. But what that might look like, I need to be careful not to put any expectation on. And, as long as I can manage that, I can enjoy what we are, rather than worry about what we aren’t.

What hopes and expectations are realistic for you? Do you need to generalize any Hope?

Take Action. Or Don’t.

How do you feel about your situation? Is it acceptable? Are there aspects to your relationship(s)/situation that are upsetting or difficult to manage?

If your situation is manageable, then maybe you let things be. But, if it’s emotionally distressing or unsatisfying at some level, you may want to take action and do something different. With Isaac, it’s manageable. With Evan, the situation became emotionally untenable, so I stepped back from our connection.

Some other examples:

Tiffany

Tiffany has been dating Rob for several years. Rob is twice-divorced and has vowed never to get married again. Tiffany would very much like to get married. She’s stayed in the relationship because she cares about Rob, but she also hopes that someday he’ll change his mind.

Tiffany is playing the Hope and Wait game. It’s a gambling game with poor odds. Rob holds all the trump cards. He has everything he wants–their relationship is on his terms.

Last I heard, Tiffany and Rob moved in together. They upped their game. Maybe this will give Tiffany more satisfaction. Maybe Rob will even come around to wanting more someday. But for now, she either needs to accept what Rob willingly offers or, if it really isn’t enough, find the wherewithal to claim what she wants, even if it means walking away if Rob won’t give it to her.

The question is does she want this relationship, or does she want a certain level of relationship? Either way, pining for more doesn’t feel like a satisfactory way to live.

Stanley

Stanley and I dated for four years. When we started dating, he was “temporarily” sharing a house with his ex, an arrangement quaintly called “nesting,” where the parents move in and out of the house so the children don’t have to relocate.

I could easily fill a manuscript with how toxic and unhealthy nesting is, and perhaps someday I will, but for now, my point is that when we started dating, the arrangement was supposedly temporary. I was told it was a post-divorce transition to ease the children into their new reality. There was even a purported date to end this arrangement. If there hadn’t been, I probably never would have gone out with him at all.

The thing is, the date came and went. It was moved back from February to July. Then July came and went. At this point, I was emotionally involved, and though I found the arrangement nauseating, I tolerated it, playing the Hope and Wait game. Waiting for things to change. Hoping that Stanley saw my value and prioritized me. Hoping and Waiting, with my needs and feelings on the backburner.

Oh, what effed up martyrdom. Shockingly (read with sarcasm), my Hopes went unfulfilled. After all, I enabled him and his situation. I gave him all the trump cards. He was winning the game (By the way, a healthy relationship is NEVER about winning, but that’s another blog post.), and I let him. I only bested him when I walked away from the game altogether. There came a point when I simply no longer wanted to play. The thing is, we should have been on the same team instead of playing against each other.

You

It’s up to you to determine what you can handle in your relationships. Anchor yourself in truths. If you’ve been in relationship with someone for a while, there probably won’t be a sudden dramatic shift in your relationship, like an on-off switch, but the dimmer switch may move a little.

Some things to consider:

What are your needs? Can you advocate for your needs? If so, what does that look like?

How flexible are you about how the relationship manifests? What are you willing to accept? Where can you compromise? How long are you willing to Hope and Wait? Can you temper your Hope, managing your relationship expectations in a reasonable way?

And, where do you need to draw the line to take care of yourself?

Final Thoughts

When you’re just getting to know someone, you don’t know what you don’t know. But, when you’ve been in relationship with someone for a while, you have the advantage of knowing the lay of the land. This knowledge can you truth out your situation and manage your expectations about the relationship in a realistic way.

Unless one of you ends your connection in the near future, you’re still in the middle of whatever relationship you have. Enjoy yourself and the relationship as much as you’re able. And if you’re not enjoying the connection in its current state, it begs the question why, and it’s worth examining.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: A Review of Dating Platforms–Hinge

Blue Holidays: When You Feel More Oy than Joy

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The original date of this post is 2017. I’ve not only updated it, but in the meantime, my family has survived more blue holidays. On December 28, 2023, my ex, father to my children, died. The last day my boys saw their father alive was Christmas Day. Their father’s death will always color my boys’ holidays with a tint of blue.

Last year was my boys’ first Christmas without their father. My firstborn went to Hawaii with a friend and bandmate rather than suffer through the Christmas holiday at emotional Ground Zero. It was what he needed to do to get through the holiday. Conversely, my youngest wanted as much normalcy as possible. I accommodated and respected both of their needs. We did what we needed to do to get through the holiday and be okay.

So, this post is for those of you feeling blue this season. I wish you the happiest holidays that you can manage.

Blue Holidays

Holidays are a tricky time. The expectations we put on them amplify our emotions one way or another, whether Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, a birthday, or an anniversary. 

A proposal on Valentine’s Day? Wow! But conversely, when we have expectations of pleasure, happiness, enjoyment, and celebration, anything that falls short of that can lead to disappointment. Or if we’re feeling blue on a holiday when everyone else is in a celebratory mode and mood, we can feel alienated, further intensifying our blue mood.

Holidays can be Happy, but…

I’ve had a Valentine’s Day where my lover romanced me in Chicago and told me, “This is the best relationship I’ve ever been in…we’re made for each other.” I’ve had a perfect New Year’s Eve out with my lover in Denver, as well as an eagerly anticipated first date on Christmas Day. Very romantic, but the holidays can also be loaded. And this year I find myself struggling with the holiday season.

Blue Holidays Happen

Like a Bridezilla expecting a perfect wedding, often holiday expectations are unrealistic and inevitably end in disappointment if things aren’t just-so. Valentine’s Day is about being romanced. Birthdays are about being celebrated and recognized. Christmas has secularly become about family time, tradition, and gift-giving. But what about when things aren’t just-so? What about when our experience doesn’t match expectations, whether those expectations are our own or the perceived social standard?

In college, I worked at a restaurant. Valentine’s Day was one of our busiest nights of the year, so I was inevitably on the work schedule. One year, my boyfriend wanted to dine at the restaurant to be in proximity to me. He (naively?) came to dinner with a female “friend,” on Valentine’s Day, one of those women who delight in male attention while pretending she’s ambivalent. I waited on them. Ick.

On my twentieth birthday, I locked myself in the restroom stall of a restaurant to cry, because a waitress was insulting and demeaning to me (My skin is a little thicker now, but still.). This was an echo of an experience years prior, when as a Kindergartner, my entire class came to my home for my birthday party, but I came down with a fever, and shut myself in my bedroom.

My first Mother’s Day as a mom, my then-husband and father-of-my-child failed to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. He said nothing, acknowledging neither the day nor my motherhood. As the day wore on I went from glowing anticipation, to hurt and sorrow, to outrage. When I finally said something about it, he replied with a shrug, “You’re not my mother.” There’s a good reason he became my ex.

Our last few anniversaries, my ex routinely picked fights with me at dinner. This led to me not wanting to go out with him anymore. Another year together hardly seemed worth celebrating when I didn’t enjoy his company, and our “celebration” inevitably turned into conflict.

There was a Valentine’s Day that went by unacknowledged because my beau and I were fighting. And then, there are all the holidays I’ve spent alone, both as a young woman and since my divorce.

Life doesn’t stop for the holidays. In graduate school, I had a friend who lost her sister and brother-in-law to a drunk driver on Thanksgiving Day. Her sister was 23. Thanksgiving will always carry a taint for her.

Perhaps you have some examples of your own?

What to do if Your Holiday is Blue?

Blue Holidays happen. So what to do if you’re feeling blue? Begin with acknowledging and accepting the authenticity of your feelings, and the mismatch with holiday expectations. It’s okay to feel that way, even if it doesn’t feel good. Don’t put any additional expectations on yourself. Allow yourself the grace of honest feelings.

What Do You Need?

If you’re feeling blue amidst the larger joy of the holiday, honor yourself and your feelings. Prioritize. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Determine what you really can’t manage, and allow yourself grace for feeling that way. And if you need something different, do that.

Early November of last year, the dark and cold of the season settled into my mood. The demands put on me both professionally and personally were stressing me out. I needed escape. Rather than participate in the typical Thanksgiving dinner with family, I took advantage of the long weekend and found a cabin in Grand Lake, Colorado to escape to, alone, for a mental reset. I needed that. I prioritized myself and my needs, over tradition and social expectations.

What do you need?

What Can You Find?

This year my church is offering a special service—A Blue Christmas Service. It’s a service to honor the legitimate feelings of those who are struggling with the cheer of the season, whether they’re suffering from loss, estrangement, addiction, loneliness, financial issues, illness, divorce, perfectionism, insecurity, depression, whatever.

The purpose of the service is to acknowledge that life isn’t perfect, nor are we, even though the culture of the season would seem to have it so. The movie It’s A Wonderful Life honors the potential pain of the season, yet ends on a note of Hope. We all need such Hope, that we may carry on, past the pain.

What or who can you find to support you through your blues? Family? A friend? Therapist? Clergy? A service? A support group? A walk in nature? A getaway? A creative outlet for your feelings?

The Holidays Across Time

I know the eagerness and excitement of the holidays that I had as a child, but I also know that holidays cannot live up to the expectations of childhood, because between now and then, a lot of living has been done. Life has changed. I’ve loved, and I’ve lost. I have the baggage of middle-age. There’s no escaping that I carry my lifetime of experiences around with me.

The holidays were different before my grandparents died than after they died; they were different as a child than as an adult; different before I married than after I married; different before I had children than after I had children; different before my divorce than after my divorce.

And the holidays will change again, because that’s life. The holidays will be different when my children are adults than they are now. And I’m certain there are other ways they’ll evolve as well—the earth keeps turning, I keep living, and I know not what tomorrow will bring.

Change isn’t altogether a bad thing; it’s just different. Sometimes the differences are hard to accept, but that doesn’t mean they’re bad. And sometimes the moment isn’t the moment you want it to be, yet there you are. The best you can do, the best I can do is to try to enjoy the moment for what it is, or at the very least, to get through it. We are complicated beings, and the holidays complicate things.

Final Thoughts

Advent is a time of waiting, of anticipation. This year I find the waiting and anticipation are tinged with anxiety. I’m trying to be okay with the approaching holiday, but I cannot deny my feelings, they’re honest, and to deny them would be a lie. So I’m doing my best to take care of myself, love on my beloveds, find joy where I can, enjoy the support of my friends, and remember that in the end, a holiday is just another day.

Note: Updating this post from the vantage point of 2025, I have the clear perspective that the anxiety I was experiencing at the time was largely due to the relationship I was in. I removed myself from that relationship several years ago. I’ve still had some blue holidays, but I removed a source of pain that was causing me blues, for my betterment and well-being.

Can you label the source of your blues? Is there anything you can do to improve your situation and experience? Or remove yourself from the source of pain?

May we all find peace and what joy we can this holiday season whatever your moment may be.

Peace be with you, and good luck out there!

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

P.S. I’ll be taking the next month off for the holidays. I’ll see you next year!

Up Next: Manage Your Relationship Expectations–Further Down the Road

Looking at Dating Profiles: Discerning Authenticity

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People reveal a lot about themselves in their dating profiles, and the more information they provide, the easier it is to get a sense of the kind of person they are. Profile Summaries are particularly helpful in this way. I’ve previously explored some general look-fors and what you can learn about someone from their communication style. Here, we’ll look at how you can discern someone’s authenticity (or lack of) from their Profile Summary.

If someone doesn’t have a Profile Summary at all, then be cautious. They may be too lazy to be bothered with one, their Profile may still be under construction, or it may be a fake profile. Watch out for the latter.

When reading a Profile Summary, be on the lookout for whether the person comes off as authentic, or conversely, if they come off as shallow, insincere, or phony (Here I don’t mean as a fake profile but as a personality flaw.). There are ways to discern authenticity, or a lack thereof, even in a Profile Summary.

Truths

A personal truth is something about a person where they’re inflexible and must be accepted by a potential match as they are. Truths can be a matter of personal preference (e.g., veganism, religion, sexual proclivity), a physical reality (e.g., disease, disability), or a situational reality (e.g., a custodial arrangement).

If a person is forthcoming about personal truths, it’s a sign of authenticity. They’re either strong in their truth, willing to be frank and straightforward, or courageous enough to be vulnerable. Their truth may be a turn-off or dealbreaker for you, but their honesty is commendable regardless.

Passions

Passions are those things which we find personally compelling, which make our lives more fulfilling, and which we couldn’t live without. Reading, sports, travel, and art are all examples of things that someone might be passionate about.

In my high school Humanities course, Dr. Cognard gave us an assignment to do a presentation on something we were passionate about, with the goal of evoking that feeling of passion in the rest of the class–in essence, to make our audience feel our passion. All those years ago, I did my presentation on Love itself. And here I am, still presenting on that topic.

I came across Timo’s profile several months ago. Timo lives off the grid on an acreage. Reading his profile, his enthusiasm and passion for nature was palpable. He would’ve nailed the Humanities assignment.

If someone communicates their passion in a compelling way, there’s sincerity in that. The source of their passion may not inspire you in the same way, but it’s a sign of authenticity.

Beware of the Peacock

Ideally, a Profile Summary gives you a sense of who someone is and what/who they’re looking for in a relationship. But sometimes, a profile reads as a sales pitch on how desirable they are to date. Perhaps they do have some great things going on, but if they don’t have quality of character to match their desirable qualities, no bueno.

Sometimes the bluster can be obvious, but sometimes it can be subtle, especially if there are aspects of the profile that you find desirable, such as the person’s lifestyle, accomplishments, or attractiveness. Read the tone of the profile to discern whether they come off as friendly and conversational or if they’re peacocking who they are in a showy way. There’s a shallowness in showiness, and a resulting lack of authenticity.

Depths vs. Shallows

Speaking of shallowness, if you’re looking for authentic connection, look beyond the shallow, the surface, and the small talk, to find someone with depth who sparks your interest. Depth of character is a sign of authenticity and can present itself in different ways.

Does a profile read like a gazillion other profiles, or is there something about it that stands out, that speaks to you? If you find a Profile Summary (versus pictures or biographical information) that touches you or compels you in some way, it can be an indication of authenticity.

If someone’s Profile Summary rises above the shallows of small talk, stands out, and engages you, ask yourself what it is about the summary that speaks to you. Do they strike you as reflective? Intellectual? Insightful? Do they have personality? A unique perspective? A good sense of humor? Do they have depths that you can dive into? If so, it might be time to go for a swim.

Disingenuousness

I’m not really sure what the motive is for people to be flagrantly disingenuous in their profile, but every once in a while I run across a profile where someone is openly disingenuous rather than straightforward about who they are.

Some examples…

Example 1: Pediatric ER doc with a God complex, narcissist, insecure, dishonest and emotionally unavailable, acquiring material possessions to compensate for a spiritual void. When asked to describe me friends say, “Seriously? I really don’t know you that well. Can’t you ask somebody else?”🤣😂

Example 2: Do you like yard work, cleaning house, cooking? Are you financially stable? Are you able to provide me with all the comforts I deserve? Can you drive a tractor? If so then maybe I just may allow you the honor of chatting with me. Ok I’m kidding LOL 

Example 3: Well, hmmm… I hate travel, hate laughing, …. just kidding. I like those things of course. 

Example 4: Extremely over weight (sic), bald, lazy, jobless, no sense of humor, mom has never liked me, i do posses (sic) a 4th grade reading level my most outstanding feature is that i am a complete train wreck in the bedroom.   Any takers? 

I really don’t understand the motivation for this approach. Do they think they’re being funny? Do they think it’s an effective way to appeal to potential matches? Or are they simply not thinking through their strategy at all? Regardless, they’re not coming from a place of authenticity, and they don’t deserve serious consideration.

Photos

In discerning authenticity in a profile, it would be remiss of me to not mention profile photographs. Unfortunately, there are a plethora of profiles with misleading photographs–filters, old photos, or an age/physical appearance mismatch.

The good news is that it’s usually pretty easy to discern when someone is being misleading with their photos, you just need to be on the lookout for such deception.

Things to keep in mind:

  • Do they have several photos (more than just 3 or 4) so that you can get a consistent idea of what they look like across place and time? If not, you have a right to wonder.
  • Does the photograph look filtered or altered in some way? If so, why?
  • Is it not actually a true photograph? Again, if so, why?
  • Do the photos look old? This can be discerned by whether the photo seems aged or the context (e.g., what people are wearing, hairstyles, the setting) of the photo.
  • Does their stated age seem to match the photos they’re sharing? For instance, if they say they’re 56 but they have a wattle-gobble throat, their age might be off by a decade or more.

It’s unfortunate that people are deceptive and misleading in their profile and photos, but if you look at profiles and photos with this in mind, you can frequently discern when someone’s authentic and when they’re being disingenuous.

Final Thoughts

Finding that right person and romantic connection is a challenge. And while there are dating profiles aplenty out there, discerning if the person behind the profile might be a good match requires using the information offered in the profile purposefully.

One look-for in a Profile Summary is whether a person reads as authentic. There’s plenty of people who are insincere, play games, put up a false-front, or have an agenda. That makes finding a person who’s authentic that much more precious. May you find an authentic connection who’s right for you.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Blue Holidays–When You Feel More OY than Joy