Month: March 2024

Relationship Values: Show Up

/ blackbirddiaryblog

December 31, 2021, I had a NYE date scheduled in Kansas City with SB. We’d been talking for about a month, we both had the holiday free, and we thought it’d be a fun first date. SB went to some lengths to charm and fete me. He made dinner reservations and planned our entertainment. He bought a plane ticket to fly me down (Funny, I thought. After all, it’s only a three and a half-hour drive, and I’d fly through Denver, not direct. But it was a kind gesture, he really wanted to do it, so I went with it.). He even rented a condo for me on his floor, so I could do as I chose and still be in close proximity. Nice, right?

The date never happened. A few days before our date, SB tested positive for COVID. Disappointing, but things happen. Whaddya do?

His illness was understandable. What bothered me about the situation was the slow fade afterward. His communication shifted, becoming more irregular, and suddenly, I was initiating most of the interactions. Initially, I gave him some grace for coming off an illness, but the pattern of interaction had definitely altered, and eventually I inquired point-blank whether he’d lost interest. He claimed that wasn’t the case, yet his words didn’t match his actions–He was no longer showing up. So, I let it go. I want a man who shows up. I deserve to feel wanted. If I don’t, I won’t waste my time.

Several months ago, SB came back around with renewed interest. He friend-requested me on Facebook, he called, and he even asked me out again. This time around, I was wary. He’d already demonstrated that he was inconstant, and I want a partner I can count on. (The FB photos he posted of attractive women snuggling up to him didn’t help his case.) Ultimately, this go-round, I passed.

Showing up is active, not passive. It’s a behavior that demonstrates value. If someone is showing up for you, it demonstrates that they value you enough to take action. Likewise, if you value someone, you ought to be showing up for them.

It used to be, that when someone I was interested in didn’t show up for me, I took it personally. It’s not that it doesn’t hurt when that happens, but now I have the confidence to know that there’s nothing wrong with me. If someone isn’t showing up for you, there’s honest grief in that, but consider flipping the situation. Rather than wallow in the grief, recognize that you deserve better. You deserve someone who shows up for you. There may still be grief, however you’re taking an empowering stance.

If someone isn’t showing up consistently, there’s a reason. Perhaps a complicating factor (i.e., long distance, faith, politics, children, etc.) is giving them pause or something’s happened (i.e., they’ve taken ill). Maybe it’s an issue of connection (i.e., the interest is lopsided) or objective (committed relationship vs. nothing serious). Or it could simply be a character flaw (i.e., They’re a flat-out flake.). Give grace when it’s reasonable to do so, such as when SB was ill. But, in the long run, if someone values you, they show up. And if you value someone, you need to show up too.

SB is hardly the only man who’s stopped showing up. If a pattern of interaction changes and someone stops showing up, it’s likely a sign that their level of interest has shifted. I still grieve some of the men in my life who stopped showing up, but I also know that I want and deserve a man who I can count on.

Nor is SB the only man to disappear and pop up again. I think most long-term relationships have weathered a break-up and reconciliation at some point, and I’ve certainly had my share of former beaus come around again. Relationships inevitably have bumps, and it’s important to pay attention to the bumps and how you navigate them both individually and as a couple/connection.

A willingness to be open to reconciliation is giving grace to a potential mate, but with that grace comes the need for both of you to demonstrate that you can show up for each other, as well as work through any other issues you may need to address. When someone who’s been absent reappears, it’s a showing up of sorts, but the real showing up comes with consistency over time. If someone disappears from my life, then reappears, they’re going to have to demonstrate that I can count on them to consistently show up. They’ll need to (re-)earn my trust.

DM is a man who I love but can’t trust to show up. He’s reappeared multiple times in the past few years. Once when he resurfaced, we even scheduled a rendezous in Boulder. I wasn’t sure if I could trust him to show up, but I was willing to give him the chance. We set dates. I found a condo, and he booked it–a good sign of intention, something concrete. Then, as our rendezvous approached, he panicked and cancelled. I was disappointed, but not surprised.

Several months later, he said he wanted to see me again. I was open to the idea, but understandably dubious as to whether he’d follow through. He didn’t. As soon as we started talking specifics, he disappeared again. We have strong connection, and despite everything, I still love him, yet he’s demonstrated that I can’t count on him, and with that, he’s eroded any emotional trust.

For several years, my friend Kate dated a man who’d make vague Saturday night plans with her, then frequently show up really late or not at all. It was frustrating, because she loved him and wanted the relationship to work, but his behavior was hurtful and devalued her. Ultimately, she valued herself more than the relationship, and she moved on. He’d demonstrated that she couldn’t count on him showing up for her, so she showed up for herself.

Showing up isn’t a value just for romantic relationships; it’s a value for all relationships. In college, I had a friend who cancelled plans with some regularity due to not feeling well. It was annoying, but I gave her grace on the understanding that she had a weak immune system. On one such occasion when she cancelled, I went out with my boyfriend instead. I was suprised when we ran into my “sick” friend downtown. I’d given her grace, but her actions and excuse devalued me. How many other times had she done that to me? That encounter taught me where I really stood with her, and that I couldn’t count on her to show up for me as a friend.

Showing up will look different for different people and different relationships. What showing up looks like is dependent on the level of intimacy, how well you know someone, and how long you’ve known someone. Likewise, the frequency is also dependent upon the individuals, their preferences, and the level of relationship. Showing up is not suffocating, it’s affirming. If it feels suffocating to either party, then it’s veered into different territory. Keep your expectations reasonable regarding others and ensure that their expectations are reasonable regarding you.

Information is good, and people are always giving us information about who they are. As you discern the suitability of a potential match, pay attention to their behavior and how they treat you. Some things to consider:

  • Do they contact you regularly and reliably? That said, ensure your expectations are reasonable.
  • When you have plans, do they show up? Do they show up on time?
  • If a difficult situation arises (i.e., work situation, illness, car trouble), do they at the very least lend an empathetic ear? Do they show up in an even bigger way (i.e.,cooking you a meal, helping you fix a flat tire, giving you a ride)?
  • When you have something to celebrate (i.e., a birthday, a promotion, running a marathon) do they genuinely celebrate you?
  • Are you doing that for them?
  • Are they revealing themselves to be someone who you can count on, or are you getting different messaging?
  • What messaging are you sending?

Pay attention to the information people give you. It’s our responsibility to glean the truth of who people are from their actions and to see them for who they truly are. Doing this will help you discern whether someone is a good match for you, and it also gives them the honor of being seen.

Final Thoughts

Who is showing up in your life? Let them know they’re appreciated.

May you be surrounded by beloveds who show up for you, and make sure that you’re showing up for them as well. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Dating & Mental Health

Honoring Connection and the Quotidian

/ blackbirddiaryblog

My friend Bob is a comic book artist. As such, he spends much of his time and derives a significant amount of his income from attending cons. During the pandemic, this facet of his livelihood shut down. Now that cons have reopened, at times he’s booked so heavily that he returns home weary. Home from one such round of bookings, he came by to catch up.

On my end, I disclosed my disappointment over the failure of my most recent romantic connection. Bob surmised that while my idiosyncracies are part of my allure that they also make it challenging for me to find a suitable partner. He isn’t wrong. The men I find suitable potential partners are few and far between.

In turn, Bob told me happenings from his most recent cons, but mostly, he emphasized how grateful he was for the calm quotidian of life at home with his wife after the flurry of cons and activity. Quotidian. The word smacked me. Since then, I’ve been carrying the word quotidian around, pondering its implications in my life and relationships.

I love the word quotidian. It’s such a Hegelian word, encompassing both ordinary in meaning, yet the word itself is anything but ordinary. People don’t frequently say quotidian. More often, you’ll hear the words ‘usual’, ‘common’, ‘ordinary’, ‘regular’, ‘normal’, and ‘everyday’. Despite its meaning, quotidian is an uncommon word beginning with an uncommon letter. It’s the kind of word that NPR listeners and logophiles latch onto (I’m both).

While quotidian uninterrupted could wax weary, it’s an unavoidable and core part of life and relationship. As such, it serves us well to honor the role of the quotidian in our life and relationship(s). Ideally, healthy relationship is a good balance of adventure, fun, and the quotidian. This is certainly what I seek in relationship, and I think it’s something that Bob has largely achieved. Bob may enjoy the Quotidian of life at home with his wife, but they also just returned from a trip to Egypt, quite the adventure and disruption to the quotidian!

And what about Fun? Recently, I heard Catherine Price, author of The Power of Fun, define ‘Fun’ as a synthesis of three states—Playfulness; Connection; and Flow (being fully present to the moment without distraction). Fun is dynamic; Fun is interactive. This resonates as true with me.

I’ve certainly had my share of adventures and Fun in dating and relationship, and that’s an important element of connection, but the Quotidian is a sacred space. There are few connections that I’m willing to welcome into the quotidian spaces of my life, nor whose quotidian spaces I want to share and explore.

Marinating on the Quotidian after my conversation with Bob, I realized how much I crave not only a partner in adventure and Fun, but Someone to share the sacredness of the Quotidian with; Someone who enhances the everyday; a Someone who simultaneously feels like home and like an adventure waiting to happen.

I’ve been with such men, men who are both exciting and comfortable, men who can bring Fun to both an adventure and the everyday. The serenity of cocktails at twilight on Damon’s deck was as special as our weekend in Memphis; I value both. Likewise, the pleasure of going to the farmer’s market with David or cooking a meal with Stanley. Those moments are as precious and memorable to me as our more adventurous activities.

Connection is a key element of Fun, and the right person enhances the preciousness of the Quotidian. The Quotidian doesn’t have to be devoid of Fun just because it’s the everyday. With the right person and presence to the moment, the everyday can be playful and Fun, even if at a quieter level. Have you seen the videos that Gideon Patinkin has made of his parents Mandy Patinkin and Kathryn Grody at home? They model Price’s definition of Fun–Playfulness, Connection, Flow. (If you haven’t seen any, there’s a link below to a video of Gideon giving his parents a pop culture quiz.)

Having been single for a long time, I’ve lacked a partner to share many of my moments. I find that when I think of the moments I wish to share with a partner, my thoughts often dwell in the Quotidian– waking up next to a beloved, going for walks with a beloved, grocery shopping with a beloved. There is beauty in simple things, and right connection enhances the beauty.

Yet there are few men who I feel strong connection with and desire to bring into the sacredness of the Quotidian. The Quotidian is an intimate space–the wrong person makes it feel claustrophobic; the right person gives it oxygen. Because of that, when I find a man worthy of my quotidian spaces, I recognize and value the gift of him in my life and the preciousness of that connection. And that is the trick–to not only find that special connection, but to appreciate the preciousness of that connection and not take it for granted, even in the context of the Quotidian. It’s all too easy to take the Quotidian for granted, by the very nature of its definition.

My friend Evan once said of dating that, “The chance of any one person being the One is infinitesimally small.” While I think this perspective caters to the negative as if connection must be proved and earned rather than revealed and discerned for what possibility it may hold, the flipside of Evan’s observation goes to the preciousness of finding special connection. I’ve seen so many couples take their connection for granted, take each other for granted. I’ve been taken for granted. By taking connection for granted, you devalue it and risk losing it. It’s all too easy to do; we must be mindful to avoid doing so.

One of the advantages of dating long distance is that with the inevitable apartness of distance, the togetherness becomes more precious and less easily taken for granted. And while there are long stretches of apartness, it also provides a density of togetherness–you may go several weeks apart, but then spend several days in each other’s company. This density of time is a good audition to see how well you fit in each other’s quotidian spaces. But even if you’re dating locally, if you can’t appreciate someone in your quotidian spaces, are they really the right someone? Or are they just anyone?

Being single so long, waking up so many mornings alone, walking so many walks by myself, I recognize the preciousness of each special connection I make, and, as told to Bob, grieve when it doesn’t come to fruition or live up to its promise. But, better to be alone than to welcome just anyone into the sacred space of the Quotidian. That would be reducing the Quotidian to the banal, which it needn’t be.

Lou Reed famously said, “My week beats your year.” Those words serve as a reminder to me to maximize each moment for its potential. For several years, I’ve conscientiously strived to live presently, in the Now. It’s not a simple task, but over time, I’ve become better at it.

The recent and unexpected passing of my ex has brought home to me, in a very palpable way, how quickly everything, including the Quotidian, including ourselves, can disappear. His death has brought a new urgency to appreciating each moment of the Now. Just as all the people who aren’t the One make the One that much more precious, so the fact of our death makes the finite moments we do have more valuable. Now is what we have. Honor the Quotidian in your life–the yardwork, the meal preparation, watching a movie on the couch. Someday, it will all disappear. Treasure it while you have it.

The Quotidian makes up a large amount of our finite lives. If we aren’t present to those moments, they’re wasted. Be mindful of who you invite into your Quotidian spaces, ensure that they’re worthy of that gift, and if they are, honor the preciousness of them and the connection. There’s beauty in sharing the Quotidian with the right person. It’s our job to find the gratitude in that, and not take it, nor them, for granted.

May you find someone worthy of sharing your Quotidian spaces, if you haven’t already. Good luck out there!

A Gideon Patinkin video of his parents failing a pop culture quiz while eating matzah.

Up Next: Relationship Values–Show Up