A big hurdle in dating is simply finding someone you like and are physically attracted to. As we get older, this becomes even more challenging as we become more settled in who we are, narrowing the possibilities of who we might be interested in, and, let’s face it, much of the dating pool isn’t getting better looking with age. Throw in all the lies people tell about their age, and it’s quite literally getting ugly out there. (I’m an English major: please note the correct usage of the word literally.) While compatibility and physical attraction are important aspects of a relationship, with time, I learned to pay attention to how the person I’m in relationship with makes me feel.

When I was younger and newly divorced, I thought finding someone you liked and found attractive was enough (Foreshadowing: It isn’t.). Then there was the hurdle of whether the feeling was mutual–I like him; I hope he likes me too! Sometimes the guy did; other times the guy didn’t. And I, myself, have been on the receiving end of crushes and unwanted attention. But love unrequited, isn’t really love; it’s fantasy.

So, you’ve found someone you like/love, someone you’re attracted to (Huzzah–it’s even the same someone!), and the feeling is mutual. You should be in for smooth sailing right? All systems GO! If only. We all know it’s much more complicated than that. Even rom-coms don’t allow for it to be that easy.

There are all kinds of reasons for relationships not to work out even when there are two mutually interested parties who’d like to make it work. But with time and experience, I’ve also realized that I need more than just mutual interest and attraction. I’ve learned to pay attention to how I feel in the shared space of relationship with a man, whether it’s a first date or an exclusive relationship. How I feel in that shared space is of vital importance.

At this point in my life, I’ve come into my own. I know my worth. And if a man doesn’t treat me with the respect and consideration that I deserve, he won’t be around for long. I have no desire for veneration (I’ve been put on a pedestal before, that’s not where I want to live); I simply want to be treated with the same lovingkindness I offer a beloved, to make them feel appreciated, respected, loved, and cherished. For Love isn’t just a word you say, it’s an action you demonstrate.

Stanley and I were together for four years. He’s an attractive man. I both liked and loved him. We were compatible and had fun together. That’s a lot. But, it wasn’t enough.

When we were in a relationship valley, he’d sometimes say, “You look/sound miserable.” Martyr that I was (Note the past tense.), I’d downplay it, but he wasn’t wrong. As compatible as we may have been, he had an extremely co-dependent relationship with his ex. It wasn’t just about any issues the two of us might have, but the additional issues caused by her omnipresence in our relationship, which frankly, were most of our issues.

It was a toxic situation, causing me significant pain and anxiety. Frankly, it felt gross. I tried to make him happy and do what I could to help the relationship be successful, and he let me do the work. It certainly made it easier on him; I was tolerating the intolerable, and he got a temporary pass.

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but if misery is part of the normal of your relationship, why would you stay? Ultimately, I didn’t. I left because I realized that I didn’t like how I felt in the relationship. It’s unfortunate that it took me four years to learn my worth, to learn that I deserved better, but at least I learned the lesson. Stanley wasn’t able to honor me adequately, so it was up to me to honor myself. By remaining where you’re mistreated, you’re doing yourself a disservice. We all deserve to be treated with honor and respect in relationship, as long as we’re able to offer the same.

The work of relationship was also lopsided in my marriage. In both relationships, I was with a partner who didn’t work to take care of me, of us, and the mutual space we created in relationship. I worked to help the relationships be successful, and they took advantage of my willingness to do the work. But a healthy relationship is two partners working together to take care of and do right by each other. It’s a mutual effort, not a lopsided one.

A younger version of myself brought my own insecurities into my relationships. I didn’t advocate strongly enough for myself. I hoped to be treated right as a matter of course. My relationship with Stanley taught me to stand up for myself. Now, I don’t hope, but rather expect to be treated with respect.

There was a lot of emotional drama in both my marriage and my relationship with Stanley. I don’t like drama, and the roller-coaster of emotions in those relationships caused me significant stress. By serendipity, the first two men I dated after Stanley were pilots. Pilots, by professional necessity, must manifest a steadiness and calm. They both did, and I liked how the emotional calm of our shared space felt. Further, after a relationship with a man who was codependent with his ex, I liked the way I felt with retired test pilot CJ, whose gaze made me feel like I was the only woman alive.

That’s how David made me feel too. The mutual space of relationship that we created was a sacred and beautiful thing. It was sexy, intellectual, loving, adventurous, expansive, and supportive. It was everything I’d imagined a relationship could be. Everything I’d hoped for in a relationship. And I see such relationships among my beloveds–Michele and Mike; Jon and Emilia. Their relationships manifest lovingkindness and a supportive partnership. Their relationships have bumps, of course, but the mutual love and respect at the foundation of their relationships situates them strongly for riding out any turbulence.

So, while physical attraction and compatibility are important components of a relationship, how you feel in relationship with a person should also be a consideration. And you can begin to discern this from your initial interaction with a potential match. All you have to do is pay attention to how they are treating you and how you feel.

Are they peacocking? Are they making conversation more of a monologue than a dialogue? Are they making you feel like you need to prove that you measure up? Are they judgmental or condescending? Do they seem sincerely interested in you as a person? Do you feel seen? Do they treat you with kindness and consideration? Do they make you smile and laugh? Are you having fun? Pay attention to how you feel both in their presence and their absence.

Yes, pay attention to how you feel in their absence, as well. I said this to my friend Evan recently, and he was reminded of a woman who he was drawn to and whose company was enticing to him, yet as soon as they parted, he felt an emotional crash. Something about their dynamic failed to sustain once he left her presence. With David, I felt the warmth of relationship both in his presence and in the in-between spaces. It was only the end of our relationship that caused me grief and pain.

The caveat to all of this is that you also need to consider your role in the shared space of relationship. If you expect to be treated with lovingkindness and consideration, you must be able to offer the same.

If you aren’t liking the way you feel, is it due to your own insecurities and anxiety, or is it because of some action or character trait of theirs? It’s our responsibility to keep in check any unreasonable relationship expectations, anxieties, or jealousy. When discerning how you’re feeling in the shared space of relationship, honestly truth it out to determine what each individual is bringing to the shared space that is contributing to those feelings. Then, use that discernment to empower your understanding, decision-making, and actions in your relationship(s).

Go forth in love, and may you find someone who makes you feel beloved in turn. Good luck out there!