A big hurdle in dating is simply finding someone you enjoy and are physically attracted to. When you do find a special someone, the two of you create a new shared space, a Relationship Dynamic, which is much more than the sum of two individuals. How you feel within that Relationship Dynamic largely determines your experience in the relationship. As a result, when discerning a potential mate, how you feel in that Relationship Dynamic is worth paying attention to.

There are all kinds of reasons for relationships not to work out, even when there are two mutually interested parties who’d like to make it work. With time and experience, I’ve learned to pay attention to how I feel in the shared space of relationship with a man, whether it’s a first date or an exclusive relationship. How I feel in that shared space is of vital importance. How you feel matters too.

At this point in my life, I’ve come into my own. I know my worth. If a man doesn’t treat me with the respect and consideration that I deserve, he won’t be around for long. I have no desire for veneration (I’ve been put on a pedestal before, that’s not where I want to live); I simply want to be treated with the same lovingkindness I offer a beloved–to feel appreciated, respected, loved, and cherished. For Love isn’t just a word you say, it’s an action you demonstrate.

Some Bad Examples

I’ve dated and been in relationships with men who I liked, though I didn’t like the way I felt in relationship with them. Remember how Kristin Wiig’s character felt about Jon Hamm’s character in Bridesmaids? She really liked him, but she wanted more from the relationship than he did. And as much as she liked him, he didn’t treat her well. In the end, she recognized that.

Edward

Edward and I spent several hours over several days on the phone before meeting. We were getting along well, and I was excited about the possibility of him. For our first date, he drove to Milwaukee, where I was staying with a friend. Our chemistry was good. By the end of the date, he extended an invitation for me to cut my time in Milwaukee short and come stay with him in Chicago. A few days later, I took him up on his offer.

The chemistry was more awkward in Chicago, but Edward also had a lot going on. He was still moving into his new home, and on top of my presecence, he had a lot of domestic projects to attend to. I did my best to be helpful and enjoy our time together as I discerned whether I fit into his picture.

Then came one clarifying night. We went out for dinner and drinks with his daughter and his friend Lucy. It was as if I was invisible. He barely registered my presence all night. It was clear to me that he was in love with Lucy, even though she was married. And I wasn’t going to tolerate being the next best option.

Stanley

I recognized and rejected being second place in Edward’s world quickly. That was partly due to my experience with Stanley, who I dated four years. We had a lot of potential together–we had fun; we were compatible; we had good chemistry. That’s a lot, but ultimately it wasn’t enough, because Stanley never made a clean break from his ex, whose shadow I inhabited throughout our relationship.

When we were in a relationship valley, Stanley sometimes said, “You look/sound miserable.” Martyr that I was at the time, I downplayed it–but he wasn’t wrong. As compatible as we may have been, his co-dependent relationship with his ex undermined any potential we had. It wasn’t just about our issues, but the issues caused by her omnipresence in our relationship, which frankly, were most of our issues.

It felt gross. It was a toxic situation, causing me significant pain and anxiety. I tried to make him happy and do what I could to help the relationship be successful, and he let me do the work. It certainly made it easier on him; I was tolerating the intolerable, and he got a temporary pass.

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but if misery is part of the normal of your relationship, why stay? Ultimately, I didn’t. I left because I realized that I didn’t like how I felt in the relationship. It’s unfortunate that it took me four years to learn my worth and that I deserved better, but at least I learned the lesson. Stanley wasn’t able to honor me adequately, so it was up to me to honor myself. By remaining where you’re mistreated, you’re doing yourself a disservice. We all deserve to be treated with honor and respect in relationship, as long as we’re able to offer the same.

Unhealthy Patterns

The work of relationship was also lopsided in my marriage. In both relationships, I was with a partner who didn’t work to take care of me, of us, and the mutual space we created in relationship. I worked to help the relationships be successful, and they took advantage of my willingness to do the work. But a healthy relationship is two partners working together to take care of and do right by each other. It’s a mutual effort, not a lopsided one.

A younger version of myself brought my own insecurities into my relationships. I didn’t advocate strongly enough for myself. I hoped to be treated right as a matter of course. Importantly, my relationship with Stanley taught me to stand up for myself. Now, I don’t hope, but rather expect to be treated with respect.

Kate

My friend Kate has had a couple of beaus who were flakes. She enjoyed their company, but when they made plans, she couldn’t reliably count on them to show up. They didn’t make her feel like she was a priority. And, of course, she didn’t like the way that felt. While that hurt, eventually she realized that she deserved better.

Breaking with Pattern: Some Good Examples

There was a lot of emotional drama in both my marriage and my relationship with Stanley. I don’t like drama, and the roller-coaster of emotions in those relationships caused me significant stress. By serendipity, the first two men I dated after Stanley were pilots. Pilots, by professional necessity, must manifest a steadiness and calm. They both did, and I liked how the emotional calm of our shared space felt. Further, after a relationship with a man who was codependent with his ex, I liked the way I felt with retired test pilot CJ, whose gaze made me feel like I was the only woman alive.

That’s how David made me feel too. The mutual space of relationship that we created was a sacred and beautiful thing. It was sexy, intellectual, loving, adventurous, expansive, and supportive. It was everything I’d imagined a relationship could be. Everything I’d hoped for in a relationship.

While my relationships with CJ and David ultimately didn’t last, they taught me how I want to feel and how I deserve to feel in relationship. And I see such relationships among my beloveds–Michele and Mike; Jon and Emilia. Their relationships manifest lovingkindness, a supportive partnership, and fun. Their relationships have bumps, of course, but the mutual love and respect at the foundation of their relationships situates them strongly for riding out any turbulence. I aspire to such a relationship, and I want no less in a relationship.

As for my friend Kate, she’s moved on from flaky beaus. Recently, when a guy exhibited the same flaky behavior, she shut the situation down. She now knows her worth, and she’ll no longer settle for a man who doesn’t treat her accordingly.

Your Relationship History

It’s worth looking back on your own relationship history and doing a Relationship Autopsy to reflect on how you’ve felt in different relationships. This can help you determine if you have any patterns to address in your behavior or if you have any unhealthy patterns in your relationships that you want to avoid going forward. It can also help you recognize partners and relationships that were healthy and where you felt good.

How You Feel

So, while physical attraction and compatibility are important components of a relationship, how you feel in relationship is of profound importance as it’s the context you choose to live in and determines your experience. And you can begin to discern this from your initial interaction with a potential match. All you have to do is pay attention to how they are treating you and how you feel with them.

Things to consider when evaluating how you feel with them:

• Are they peacocking?
• Do they make conversation more of a monologue than a dialogue?
• Are they judgmental or condescending?
• Is there a lot of drama?
• Do they seem controlling?
• Do they seem sincerely interested in you as a person?
• Do you feel seen?
• Do they treat you with kindness and consideration?
• Do they make you smile and laugh?
• Are you having fun?
• Do you feel like a priority?

How do you feel when they aren’t around?

Pay attention to how you feel both in their presence and their absence.

Yes, pay attention to how you feel in their absence too. I said this to my friend Evan, and he was reminded of a woman who he was drawn to and whose company was enticing to him, yet as soon as they parted, he felt an emotional crash. Something about their dynamic failed to sustain once he left her presence. With David, I felt the warmth of relationship both in his presence and in the in-between spaces. It was only the end of our relationship that caused me grief and pain.

Things to consider when you’re apart:

• Are they touching base in some regular way (e.g., texting daily)? Are you?
• Are you both maintaining some healthy independence while exploring a shared relationship space?
• If you’re dating exclusively, do you trust them? If not,why? If you have suspicions, are they reasonable?
• What does your gut tell you?

Your Role

The caveat to all of this is that you also need to consider your role in the shared space of relationship. If you expect to be treated with lovingkindness and consideration, you must be able to offer the same. If you want them to reach out regularly, make sure you are as well. And if you’re feeling neglected, make sure it isn’t because you’re being emotionally needy.

Final Thoughts

If you’re in relationship or dating someone who you feel good with, that’s precious.

If you aren’t liking the way you feel, is it due to your own insecurities and anxiety, or is it because of some action or character trait of theirs? It’s our responsibility to keep in check any unreasonable relationship expectations, anxieties, or jealousy. When discerning how you’re feeling in the shared space of relationship, honestly truth it out to determine what each individual is bringing to the shared space that is contributing to those feelings. Then, use that discernment to empower your understanding, decision-making, and actions in your relationship(s).

Go forth in love, and may you find someone who makes you feel beloved in turn.

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Good luck out there!