In my last post, I addressed the Paradox of Choice regarding online dating and how the paradox is as real or unreal as a dating platform user chooses to make it. If you’re truly seeking a romantic partnership, then it’s up to you to recognize when you’ve found the kind of match you’re looking for and act upon that. Going All In is about making a commitment to that person.
Discernment
Even if your ultimate goal is a committed romantic relationship, it’s obviously not a great idea to jump headlong into relationship without some thought and reflection. I refer to this process as Discernment.
Discerning the Individual
One type of Discernment is at the level of the individual. Do you find them attractive? Interesting? Do you have points of commonality? Similar visions? You can discern the answers to these questions both by looking at an online profile and through conversation. Yeses are an encouragement to move forward. Any noes should give you pause.
Do Your Research
Part of the Discernment process and getting to know potential matches should include verifying who they are and ensuring there are no red flags. Be reasonably cautious and skeptical as part of your initial discernment. Do a Google search to make sure they are who they say are, so that you’re neither putting yourself at risk, nor blindsided with a nasty surprise later. Have they declared bankruptcy before? Been married multiple times? Do they have a criminal arrest record? Is there a protection order against them? Don’t assume anything. Sketchy characters try to pass as people with good character.
Are they hard to find information about online? That’s an unusual circumstance anymore and should give you pause. Years ago, I went on a few dates with a supposedly successful businessman, but when I did a Google search on him there was nothing to be found. Being hard to locate online is not a pro-business move, and it certainly suggested his level of success wasn’t what he indicated. Ultimately, with some investigating, I discovered that he’d lied about his name and that he was a scam artist with criminal charges against him. It was a good lesson for me to learn early. Do due diligence and do your research early–before you get emotionally involved or put yourself physically or financially at risk.
Pay Attention to Information
People are always giving us information. Pay attention to the words and behavior of potential matches. This is how people reveal themselves. Are they a good listener or do they talk over you? Are they kind or condescending to servers? Are they reasonably generous or miserly? Narrow-minded or broad-minded? Patient or Impatient? Are they argumentative? Considerate? Jealous? Are they emotionally available?
Use the information you gather to discern whether or not an individual might make a good potential match. Note their good qualities, but be on the watch for any red flags in their words and behavior to help you discern if they aren’t a savory fit.
Also note whether their words match their behavior. If there’s a mismatch, that’s problematic. They either lack self-awareness or aren’t trustworthy. Lack of self-awareness is a shortcoming, and trust is a key foundation of any relationship. Bail and save yourself.
Recently, I went out with a man who was many things. He revealed himself to be perceptive, talented, knowledgeable, thoughtful, and generous. However, with time, he also revealed himself to be angry, non-empathetic, judgmental, and a poor listener–not good relationship qualities. There were many things I liked about him, and while I don’t regret the experience, in the end, I deserved to be treated better than I was. Pay attention to the not-so-savory information as well as the better bits.
Discerning the Connection
If you’ve adequately discerned the individual and you’re pulled-in rather than put-off, then give attention to the relationship dynamic. The relationship dynamic is the shared space of the Venn Diagram created where two individuals come together. What is the chemistry of that space? How do you feel in that space? Does that space make sense to you? Do you feel seen, heard, and honored in that space?
I want that shared space to feel fun, safe, stimulating, sexy and exciting. What do you want that shared space to feel like? If the relationship dynamic is a match for what you’re seeking, then hooray! You’re ready to consider Going All In.
Going All In
If you’ve found a right person with whom you have right connection, then you’ve won the relationship lottery! This is no small thing–be grateful. Now, let’s discern how to go forward from here.
Going All In doesn’t mean that you’re blindly throwing all caution to the wind; it simply means that you see a chance worth taking. Life is full of risks–getting in a car; relocating; having a baby; accepting/quitting a job; investing in the stock market; going on a date. And yet, without taking risks, we risk not living full lives. The trick is to optimize the risks we take. Discernment is part of that optimization.
Think of a professional poker player. They aren’t going to go all in on a random hand or in every game. Rather, using their knowledge and experience, they’re paying attention to the cards; they’re paying attention to the other players; and when they get the right hand and the timing is right; that’s when they push all their chips in. They take in information and discern the right moment to make their move and take that gamble. If you’ve discerned a person is worth the gamble, take it.
Different Levels of Going All In
Going All In is leveling up your relationship, but there are different levels of Going All In. Going All In can start with choosing to date each other exclusively, saying, “I choose you,” and walking down that road together to see where it takes you. Going All In with someone can be as simple as saying “no” to other options.
After walking down that road a ways (You get to define that timeline.), if you continue to choose each other, and the “us” you created is good, then consider whether you’re ready to Go All In at a higher level of commitment, such as moving in together or marriage.
Actively Choosing
My friend Jeff and I have had several conversations about Going All In over the past year. Last year, a mutual friend of ours remarried. She’d been tragically widowed twenty months prior. It was fast on the heels of her husband’s death for sure, but that’s just how it happened, not how she planned it.
Our mutual friend had reconnected with someone she’d known for a long time (She’d discerned the kind of person he was many years prior.), they were both widowed, and they had good chemistry (the relationship dynamic). They were lucky to find each other, lucky to fall in love, and they recognized their luck, not taking it for granted. They chose not to give power to anyone who might judge the timing, and they went All In for Love. They leveled up their relationship, recognizing in each other what they wanted, and actively choosing to commit to that, declaring, “We’ll figure it out.”
It strikes me that that is what Love is–a recognition and a prioritization: We’ve found each other! Now, let’s figure out how we can make it work. Figuring out how to make it work is a team effort, not a burden to fall on one partner.
As a couple, they had an awareness of the challenges they would face combining families, each bringing their own special challenges to the union, but ultimately they were willing to face those challenges to be together, to do the work they needed to do to be together, and trusting that they loved each other enough to figure it out as a team.
I recently met a woman who told me that when she was dating her current husband (who’d been widowed), he initially hid their relationship from his teenage son. When Dean’s son found out about the relationship, he was upset. Jean suggested that they take a break from the relationship until his family was more ready, but Dean stepped up and chose her. Dean claimed the relationship and told his son that Jean was going to be part of their lives. They’ve been married for several years now, and Dean’s son came around.
A successful romantic relationship takes two people with right connection to understand their good fortune at finding each other and who commit to each other. It’s that easy.
A successful and healthy romantic relationship also involves not looking around for someone better, not imposing limits on what the relationship can be, not taking each other for granted, continuing to choose each other, leaning into the relationship (being aloof won’t work), and willingly engaging in the the work that comes with relationship. So while it’s easy, it’s also hard. And people are definitely good at making it harder than it needs to be. We’re really good at getting in our own way. If we weren’t, there wouldn’t be so many rom-coms.
…or Not
In the same time frame that our mutual friend was Going All In, Jeff had been in an on-again off-again relationship. He decided that he was ready to level up the relationship and discussed moving in together with his (now ex-)girlfriend. She spoke as if she was on board, yet she never did anything actionable to help manifest it as a concrete reality. For her, it was an abstract notion, something further down the road, something to put off indefinitely, not something that could happen over the weekend. Frustrated, Jeff ultimately chose to walk away.
Similarly, another friend’s brother was in a long-term committed relationship but reluctant to level it up from dating exclusively. My friend Abby knew her brother’s girlfriend wanted to level up despite her brother’s conviction not to. A conundrum. The girlfriend chose to play the saint and patiently wait, hoping his mindset might shift with time. That was her choice to make. And it was his rightful choice to keep the relationship at its current level. How happy does that situation sound? Does she sound happy? Does he?
Myself, I’d rather be alone than passively wait around for a man to decide I’m worth choosing. I want agency in relationship. I also want to feel chosen, appreciated, and wanted. I’m worth that, and I want a man who recognizes my worth.
David recognized my worth, and, in contrast to the Jeff’s and Abby’s brother’s scenario, we went All In quickly. We recognized our connection and chemistry right away. But then, he panicked. He wanted me but was afraid of us. He went All In, then walked away from the table. For us, Love was a losing game. And sometimes it is. David is a self-aware man, yet he didn’t know himself well enough to recognize that he didn’t have the follow-through to commit, even to someone he wanted. Do you? Know yourself and act accordingly.
If you have reservations about Going All In with someone who you’ve walked a ways down the road of relationship with, it’s worth considering–Why? What’s the source of your reservation? Is your romantic partner not the person you want to Go All In with? If so, why is that? Or, is Going All In not what you’re looking for in relationship? Why is that? Being able to answer these questions will help you understand yourself and your relationship, allowing you in turn to make more informed choices, even if you don’t choose to Go All In.
Final Thoughts
Going All In is something to do purposefully and with proper discernment, but if you’ve found a right person and connection, and a committed relationship is what you want, then go for it–leave behind the paradox of choice and make a choice. Carpe diem! Good luck out there!
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