“We do not judge the people we love.”  Jean-Paul Sartre

Coming from an un-loving marriage, when I ventured out into the dating world post-divorce I did so with the hope of finding a loving relationship in this lifetime. I had a sense of what love could feel like, what love should feel like, but I hadn’t had a relationship like that since my college days—almost two decades prior. How to rediscover that mid-life?

My first date out-of-the-gate was with a drug and alcohol counselor who was in recovery himself. That was hardly his only baggage—his wife had cheated on him; his stepson had died the year prior; and he was separated-not-yet-divorced. His baggage was fresh and he hadn’t had time to adequately lighten his load. He wasn’t ready to be in relationship with me or anyone.

It’s easy to see the wrongness of us in the rearview mirror, but at the time it was nice to have the male attention of someone I enjoyed (Okay, it was nice to have sex again too.). I like Scott. He’s a kind and insightful man with a good sense of humor. But ultimately, I had to walk away and take care of myself because he was unable to be supportive of me the way a lover should—he was overwhelmed with taking care of himself and his son.

As often happens with former lovers, he showed up again. We talked, and he made overtures to get back together, following this up with the question, “What would you change about me?” This caught me off-guard. I responded that I didn’t know, that I’d have to think about it. Then he said, “There are three things I would change about you…” At this point, I walked away from the conversation. Certainly not the best approach when you’re trying to reconcile with someone. But also not something you should say When You Really Love Someone.

I did, however, reflect on what I would change about Scott and I came up with—nothing. I believe Scott would own that he’s a deeply flawed human being—that’s part of his recovery and something he was always able to acknowledge—yet I accepted him for who he was knowing that he has a self-awareness and a desire for self-improvement. It is his job to initiate change in himself, not mine to tell him how to fix himself.

Isaac furthered my instruction on this point. Intelligent, worldly, and witty, he’s fun company and we always have a good time together. A professional critic, an art historian/former curator/director, he literally earns his living with his critical and discerning eye. And he’s very good at it. But this practiced critical discernment leaches into his personal life. He judged me to be worth knowing, but as well as we got along, I was too Christian, too settled, had too many children, etc. There was always some excuse or some reason that I seemed to fall short in his eyes.

I wanted to get to know him for the person he is, not the person he could be, but his interest wasn’t enough that he could do the same for me. Over a decade, we’ve slowly weaved into each other’s lives a little more, but there are always limits. He’s gotten to know and value me more with time and I’ve learned to accept his limits as part of who he is, and I value who he is and his presence in my life. And that’s love, isn’t it?

One man would have changed me, the other made me feel as if I wasn’t enough (even though I’m a pretty good package). With time, I learned that I am enough, that only I get to determine my true worth. That was a lesson in self-love and self-worth that took years to master. I am enough because I am a good loving talented person, regardless of whether or not I’m in a relationship, or whether any specific man does or does not want me.

When I am in relationship, I find it important to give and get plenty of affirmations. That doesn’t mean to be ridiculous or insincere, but it’s important to maintain a mutual sense of appreciation for each other, to not let relationship lapse into taking each for granted. And while disagreement is a normal part of any relationship, it’s crucial not to let disagreement slip into judgment. Judgment is condescending and as such is an inequitable stance in a relationship. And if I want love rather than judgment, I have to do my best not to sit in judgment of those I love, even when we disagree.

The Lesson’s Essence:

As long as you do the best to be the best person you can be, that’s enough. You are enough.

If you are in a relationship where you feel more judged than affirmed, you might reconsider your relationship.

If you want love and affirmation rather than criticism and judgment, you need to be able to give what you want to receive.