So, What are your relationship values? Over the past couple of months, I’ve shared my core relationship values–being seen by my partner; how I feel in the relationship; having a partner who expands my universe; and whether a relationship makes sense to me. Hopefully, this has induced some reflection on your part, because ultimately you neeed to discern your relationship values to help you identify the kind of relationship and partner that you’re looking for. If you already have a strong awareness of your relationship values, then you’re well-positioned. But if you aren’t readily able to pinpoint your relationship values, then I invite you to consider the question.
Look back: Examine What Didn’t Work for You
Part of discerning my relationship values was realizing what hadn’t worked for me in past relationships. The endless frustration of not feeling seen by my ex helped me realize how crucial that is to me in relationship. The emotional drama of my relationship with Stanley made me realize that it was important for me to not only care for a man, but to care about how he made me feel.
Being clear on the reasons I was unhappy in past relationships and looking for themes has empowered me in identifying what I am seeking in relationship and a romantic partner. This in turn, enables me to quickly identify whether a man is or is not a potential match.
Looking back to your past relationships, try to pinpoint why particular relationships were unsuccessful or made you unhappy. Be specific and look for themes. Think inductively. Look at the specifics of why you were dissatisfied in those relationships and try to generalize into themes. There were many things that didn’t make sense in my relationship with Stanley. I know the list of bullet-pointed items and remember the specific incidents, but the empowerment came in recognizing that what it came down to was that our relationship didn’t make sense and that I didn’t want to feel that way anymore.
Keep in mind that no relationship will be perfectly smooth sailing, because all relationships are comprised of imperfect individuals. In discerning what didn’t work in particular relationships, focus on those that were the most problematic to avoid repeating past relationship mistakes. Learn from your journey to discern how to move forward. Figure out what makes sense in your life and what doesn’t.
Look back: Examine What Worked
Just as the shortcomings of past relationships have informed my relationship values, so has the strength of certain connections. Why were David, Damon, and Isaac such powerful connections for me? What about those connections resonated so strongly and made me feel so deeply? Among other things, they all expanded my universe, and I liked the way I felt with them. They were compelling company and I continue to seek those qualities in a potential partner going forward.
Looking back to your past relationships, consider the connections that were most powerful for you, the former lovers who you look back on with the most fondness, even wistfulness. The lovers whose company you savored, who made you feel the way you want to feel. What was it about those connections that resonated so strongly with you, that makes those lovers stand out from the rest? Try to pinpoint specifics and look for themes. If you can identify common qualities, this will help guide you in identifying good potential matches in the future.
Look Inward: What do you Need?
To open yourself to the right person, consider what you can be open to and flexible about in relationship, as well as what your limits and requisites are. A compelling partner who expands my universe is so vital to me that it informs other considerations. Lacking a compelling partner, I’d rather be single. And, in the hope of finding a compelling partner, I opened myself up to dating long-distance to broaden the pool of possibilities. By prioritizing the kind of connection I desire, I created a parameter that narrowed my pool of possibile matches in a way that promotes more satisfying connections, and to counterbalance that narrowing of type, I broadened my geographic pool.
How important is it to you that certain interests are shared with a potential match? Travel is such a core personal value, that I can’t imagine being with a partner who doen’t share that value. Alternately, I’m a pescatarian, but a potential mate’s dietary preferences aren’t particularly important to me. Which aspects of your lifestyle are so core that you can’t visualize a relationship where you don’t share that value with a partner? Which parts of your lifestyle can you be more flexible about, opening yourself up to possibility? The more values that you prioritize, the more you limit your pool of possibilities. Seek to find a balance of having your core needs met, without making a checklist that a potential mate must tick all the boxes of. When you find someone who meets your core values, part of the excitement of connection is exploring the niches of who they are and the preciousness of them as an individual, rather than having an expectation of who they should be. And while it’s important to have some common ground with a partner, it’s also healthy to have a partner who can complement you rather than be your copy.
Religion? Politics? Sexuality? Consider them through the same lens. We all have our personal preferences and perspective, but discern where you can be flexible and open and where your window of flexibility closes. Having a sense of where you are open and where you can’t be will help guide you in your romantic seeking. It can keep you open to possibility, but prevent you from wasting time on someone who isn’t a good fit. Those windows of flexibility and possibility may shift with time and experience; some windows may open and some may close. The important thing is to have an awareness of what your needs and limits are to help you discern who might make a good potential match and who would not.
Look Around: Find Models of the Kind of Relationship you Seek
I know plenty of couples, but there are only a few who have the kind of relationship I seek. As much time as I’ve spent with Michele and Mike, I’ve never seen them disparage, criticize, nit pick, or undercut each other. They playfully tease, but there’s no passive-aggression; they neither poke nor provoke. That’s no small thing. I’ve witnessed plenty of couples bickering over the years, but never them.
That’s not to say they haven’t had bumps to navigate, but they don’t take their relationship or each other for granted. Love and respect are at the foundation of their relationship. They treat each other in a way that promotes and reinforces those values, and that’s what they manifest as a couple. Cooking a meal together (for me!), they work in concert to help each other with tasks, give each other feedback kindly, don’t take things personally, and have fun doing so. They work as a team. There’s always laughter when I visit, but it’s also a safe place to be raw and authentic. And I always leave well-fed!
Consider the couples in your life. Which couple has a relationship that manifests in the way you would like to feel in a relationship? Once you identify such a couple, try to pinpoint the specifics of what it is about their dynamic that you find appealing. Identifying desirable relationship dynamics will empower you to seek and recognize that dynamic or the lack of it in your own relationships.
Look Forward: How do you want Relationship to Feel?
Years ago, newly divorced and just beginning to date, a friend suggested that I look for visuals of how I want relationship to feel, much like a dream board. Unexpectedly, it turned out to be a powerful exercise. Physical Touch being one of my primary love languages, I began by googling images of couples holding hands but found the images strangely unsatisfying. The pictures didn’t quite convey what I was seeking. It wasn’t enough. I realized that I wanted more connection, more physical proximity–the couples were standing too far apart.
When I googled images of couples embracing, I found much more satisfying images–a couple leaning into each other and smiling on the metro; another couple walking down the steet, their arms wrapped around each other’s waists. Once I realized how much I desire that physical connectivity, I realized that I was also seeking a strong soulful intimacy as well, the kind of compelling connection that would likewise foster physical connectivity.
With David, I felt seen and heard; he was a compelling partner who expanded my universe; he/we made sense to me; our dynamic was fun, sexy, stimulating, safe, and supportive. We did not poke nor provoke each other; we didn’t bicker. He felt both like home and an adventure. By the time I got to him, I knew how I wanted relationship to feel, and I felt that way with him. He affirmed my relationship values. That knowledge continues to empower me as I seek another such partner. It enables me to more successfully identify whether a man is the kind of partner/connection that I seek. And that allows me to not waste time on the men who aren’t.
If you can’t readily define how you want relationship to feel, give it worthwile consideration. Without creating an unrealistic checklist, try to be clear on what you want and need to feel in relationship. Have you had any relationships that fostered that? What was it about that/those relationships that made you feel that way? Try to find some images that match how you want relationship to feel, and try to pinpoint your relationship values as specifically as possible. Being clear on what your relationship values are will empower you in your search for a partner who can provide the kind of connection you seek. You are worth that.
Final Thoughts
Once you identify your core relationship values, use them as your anchor as you explore possibilities. Knowing your relationship values will narrow the pool of potential matches in a way that should help you find a better match. Meanwhile, be mindful of where you can still be open to possibility. Openness allows for flexibility and broadens your pool of possibilities. Find the balance of where you can be open and where you cannot to help guide you in a successful search. Ultimately, define how you want to feel and what makes sense to you.
While identifying your relationship values can empower you in your search for a partner/relationship, it’s also important to keep in mind what you are bringing to the dynamic of a relationship. Beware of expecting more than you are able to provide. A relationship is a nuanced dynamic, and a healthy relationship requires two partners working together to tend to the relationship and each other. Make sure that you are able to be such a partner, to more strongly situate you for success in the relationship you seek.
Good luck out there!