Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt like you had competition? It’s not a good feeling. By definition, competition creates winners and losers. A healthy relationship is about partnership, not rivalry.
Years ago, I dated Stanley, who had a codependent relationship with his ex. Throughout our relationship, I felt like the beauty queen who only had the title because the real winner abdicated. I constantly felt like the runner-up. Unfortunately, at the time, my self-worth was low enough that I let the situation continue longer than I should’ve, before I, too, abdicated my title.
I deserved better. Fortunately, I eventually realized that and moved on. But, he done me wrong. If you really care about someone, you need to prioritize THAT person, not make them feel in competition with an ex or anyone else. If someone in the relationship is feeling devalued, why would they stay? Ultimately, I didn’t.
Edward was the first man I dated after extricating myself from that relationship. Our first date went well–we had good chemistry, conversation flowed easily, we had fun. A few days later I drove to Chicago to stay with him. Though an accomplished man–pilot, real estate dabbler, business owner–Edward’s also an introvert. As we spent more time together, I got the sense that he felt somewhat emasculated by my strong female energy.
This gave me pause, but the real problem arose when we out with his best friend Sally. I felt marginalized the entire night. Sally was married, but Edward was clearly in love with her. Having just removed myself from a similar situation, I wasn’t going to tolerate that again. When I’m with a man, I expect to be the female he’s focused on, no split-screen scenarios. By the same token, make sure potential matches are focusing on you, and that you’re feeling prioritized in your relationship.
After Edward, came CJ. When we were together, his attention was centered on me, and when he looked at me, he made me feel like I was the only woman alive. On the heels of Stanley and Edward, this was both relief and reward. Ultimately, we didn’t work as a couple because we were very different people, yet I treasure him because of the way he treated me and made me feel.
With David, I was THE woman. He never made me feel like I was in competition with another woman for his affection. He had female friends and colleagues, his best friend was female, but I was THE woman. It was part of what made being us so special, and why I grieved so deeply when our relationship ended. That same sense of us is a feeling that I’ve been seeking ever since.
Of late, when I’ve looked at profiles on Match, if a man feels the need to mention his ex on his profile (i.e., “friendly with ex”), I’ve moved on. Rather than talking about her, they should be telling me about themself and asking about me. At some point, exes will come up, but if someone leads with that, it’s problematic.
We’ve all done some living, and we all have histories. Our history is part of us, but we must manage our past in a way that doesn’t undermine our present and future. There are times that we need to grieve failed relationships and lost loved ones, but if we hold too tightly to the past, we don’t leave enough room to adequately accommodate someone new. Don’t focus on the rearview mirror; watch where you’re going. My former beaus have all failed me in some way. They’re part of my story, but I don’t tightly cling to their memory, instead, my heart is open to the man who doesn’t fail me, the man who does right by me.
In the course of writing this post, I’ve acquired a beau. One of the things that drew me to his profile is that he said, “The next 10 years are going to be the best 10 years of my life and I want to find the right person to share them with.” That’s the kind of vision I want in relationship.
To protect the possibility of what we can be, I need to ensure that I make him feel prioritized, that he feels like THE man, and that my focus is on him, where we are, and where we’re going. As someone who’s fiercely monogamous, this is my natural inclination. However, as a longtime single, I’ve had a few male connections with squishy boundaries–men with whom relationship didn’t make sense, but with whom flirtation was fun. Now that I have a beau, I’ve firmed up those boundaries. They can’t give me the kind of relationship I want; perhaps Peter can. If I have Peter’s attention, I don’t need the attention of other men.
Several months ago, a former connection, SB in KC, reached out to reexplore the possibility of relationship. He texted, called, and friend-requested me on Facebook. Upon looking at his FB feed, there were several flirty pictures of him with attractive women “friends.” He was prominently advertising their attentions. Huge turn-off. He seemed to lack solid boundaries with his women friends, and I had no interest in wading into that.
My friend Kate dated a man who, like Stanley, failed to establish solid boundaries with his ex. Like me, she felt like another woman was routinely intruding on her relationship, a scenario that the men allowed. Like me, Kate ultimately left that relationship. Both relationships lacked a sense of emotional security. Kate and I felt insecure in our commitments because the men didn’t establish appropriate boundaries with their exes, and we weren’t properly prioritized.
Beyond connection and attraction, there needs to be a foundation of trust, respect, and security for a relationship to truly thrive. Creating clear boundaries with others to ensure your romantic partner feels prioritized is essential to building that foundation. Without this, a relationship is on shaky ground.
I have some male friendships that already have solid boundaries. There’s a reason each of these friendships is platonic. As we go forward, it will be Peter’s job not to feel threatened by these friendships. Peter has my attention, and I need to ensure he feels that. He needs to not create a threat where it doesn’t exist. If I didn’t think he was evolved enough to manage that, I wouldn’t be involved with him.
A couple of years ago, I went on a date with a David who was unable to manage that. Our first (and last) date went okay, and the next day we were texting and talking about our plans. When I mentioned I was going to dinner with my friend Ted, a David made clear that he wouldn’t tolerate a woman he was involved with having male friends. Whoa. One date and he was already trying to control me and my circle. He revealed his truth–life with him would be filled with jealousy and an attempt to control and manipulate. That was the end of that.
It’s our job to make our romantic partners feel secure, and we deserve the same in turn. The flip side is that we need to be careful not to bring our insecurities to relationship as a David did to our first-last date. Stanley had his insecurities too. He claimed he wasn’t a jealous man, but not so. When I was on a trip to NYC and didn’t respond to a text promptly, he accused me of having a “boyfriend” in the shower. The reality is that I was walking to brunch with my sister and friend. I’d done nothing wrong and was undeserving of the accusation. I hadn’t created competition; the competition was in his own head.
Jealousy is an ugly feeling. Jealousy isn’t love; it’s insecurity. In relationship, it’s our responsibility to not create cause for jealousy, nor to be jealous without cause. This means no dwelling on the rearview mirror, no lingering gazes at passersby, and no letting our imaginations carry us away. If you’re experiencing feelings of jealousy, truth it out–what real evidence or events is your jealousy based upon?
If it’s unfounded, you need to check it. If you have just cause, then that’s worth exploring, whether you discuss it with your partner or reevaluate the relationship itself. In discerning this, ask yourself–How do you feel? How do you want to feel? Do your answers match or is there some discrepancy?
I’ve been single long enough to recognize quickly whether a man is or isn’t a good potential match for me. I recognized Peter quickly, and one date with a David was more than enough. I wasn’t always so savvy. Sometimes when you connect with someone, it’s clear that you want to walk down the path of relationship. Other times, it takes more discernment, and that’s okay. Do what feels right for you, but in doing so, make sure to treat potential matches with respect and care. Maybe one of them will someday be your special someone, and if they aren’t, you’re still doing them a right, not a wrong.
If you need time to discern a connection or you aren’t ready for exclusivity, you can do that without creating a sense of competition by compartmentalizing rather than advertising your other connections. Be honest about what you are/aren’t ready for, and treat potential connections respectfully. Likewise, respect your potential matches’ need for discernment without feeling threatened. It’s a normal, though uncomfortable, part of dating. If you’re seriously uncomfortable, consider whether moving on would help you better manage your well-being.
Different people have different purposes for dating–long term commitment; a serious relationship; companionship; meeting new people; figuring out who/what they want; and yes, hookups. Whatever you’re looking for, finding connection can be challenging. Dating is emotionally vulnerable. Be mindful of this and sensitive to others, even if they aren’t who you’re looking for. Likewise, pay attention to whether potential matches are being sensitive to you.
If you’re fortunate enough to find that special connection (I hope you are!) and you have emotional security in your relationship, that’s the mother lode. Once you’ve found it, be careful not to squander it by taking it for granted or abusing it. A married aquaintance of mine was upset a couple of years ago when her husband bought her a Christmas gift that she didn’t like. He’d put a lot of thought into it, but she was unappreciative of the thought and effort, instead focusing on her dislike for the gift and making her disappointment clear.
He was prioritizing her and trying to please her, but when the gift didn’t land right, his recompense was a disgruntled wife. He tried to do something special for her; she made it ALL about her. That’s not a positive relationship move. In a healthy relationship, both partners feel emotionally secure and prioritized. A loving partnership isn’t lopsided with one partner prioritized over the other.
Final Thoughts
Whatever your dating or relationship status, be mindful of how you are treating your partner or potential matches and of how you’re treated in kind. Neither create nor tolerate a legitimate cause for jealousy. Prioritize your partner and the person you’re with to create a foundation of emotional security so that your relationship can optimally thrive for whatever possibility it holds.
Good luck out there!
