Month: December 2023

Relationship Values: Does it Make Sense?

/ blackbirddiaryblog

There were so many reasons that my relationship with Stanley didn’t make sense. Most of the reasons had to do with his ex who he hadn’t quite shed himself of. That’s enough of a reason, without all the ugly supporting details. The picture didn’t fit in a way that made sense to me, but I’d stepped into it anyway. He’d told me that things were going to be different, and I wanted to believe him, so for a time I deluded myself. I put time and energy into a relationship that didn’t make sense to me. It was much like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle piece fit into the wrong puzzle–no matter how hard you force it, it just won’t fit. Eventually, I stopped trying to force it. I stepped out-of-frame, liberating myself from a picture that I didn’t fit into.

I’ve always tried to learn from my experiences and my relationships, and my relationship with Stanley taught me many lessons that I continue to take forward. We were compatible and I cared about him, so I persisted in trying to make it work even though it wasn’t making sense, even though the relationship caused me emotional angst. But staying in a relationship that doesn’t make sense and creates emotional angst doesn’t make sense–so why would you? Ultimately, I didn’t.

Going forth, whether something or someone makes sense in my life has become essential in my evaluation of a situation.

There’ve been plenty of men who I liked, but in the end didn’t make sense for different reasons. A few of them:

  • CJ: I had fun with CJ. I liked the way he treated me and made me feel, but we’re very different people. He watches Fox News; I listen to NPR. He hunts; I’m a pescitarian. In the end, our differences precluded deeper connection.
  • Edward: I enjoyed my time with Edward, but I sensed that he felt emasculated by my strong female energy. That wasn’t going to work. I’m also pretty sure he was in love with his best friend, and I wasn’t going to come in second to another woman after my relationship with Stanley. Nope.
  • Robert: He lives in Park City and loves winter activities. I abhor winter–it’s cold and dark! If we’d connected on enough other levels, perhaps we could still have made sense, but his connection to winter is deeper than any connection we had. He deserves to be with someone who enjoys winter.

Conversely, there’ve been men who it didn’t work out with, even though they made sense to me. They made sense for many reasons: I felt seen by them; I liked the way I felt with them; they were expansive; I could visualize myself in their life and them in mine; I was attracted to them; and we had chemistry. David, Damon, Bruce…they’ve all made sense to me. Each man, each connection was special in its own way, but they all made sense for the same reasons, in much the same way Leo Tolstoy wrote of families in Anna Karenina, “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” There are lots of reasons that relationships mightn’t make sense, but the reasons a relationship does make sense are more consistent.

Whether or not someone or something makes sense has become such an essential personal method for discernment, that I’ve learned to apply this lesson beyond the realm of dating and relationships. For example:

  • Best Buy Total Membership/Geek Squad: For someone who has a website, I’m not instinctively tech-savvy. To that end, for several years I subscribed to Geek Squad services because it gave me peace of mind that if something went wrong with my tech that I didn’t understand or couldn’t troubleshoot, I had a service available to me. When they doubled their prices a couple of years ago, adding in a “Best Buy Total Membership” package which I wasn’t interested in, it gave me pause, but my tech-insecurities and habit kept me as a temporary subscriber. In the meantime, we’ve seen inflation, my two boys have started college, and as a single mom on a teacher’s salary, I’m now paying auto insurance for myself and two young adult males. Looking around for places to pare back expenses, that Best Buy Total Membership/Geek Squad subscription was no longer making sense to me, so I unsubscribed.

  • Farm Aid 2023: I really wanted to go. I’d especially like to see Neil Young perform someday, added bonus: I’d get to see Willie and Lukas Nelson. This year, Farm Aid was in Noblesville, Indiana. It would have involved me taking a day off and driving ten hours each way. One day of entertainment, bookended by a full day of driving on either end. The bad tickets were $189. If I was going to drive ten hours each way, I wasn’t going to do so for the bad tickets. It was also the weekend I had my son, who I wanted to take with me, so the price of any tickets purchased would be times two. Add in costs for hotel, parking, meals. I’m a single mom and a teacher, so I take expenditures seriously on my budget. The reward of attending wasn’t making sense for the effort and cost, so I passed on the opportunity. Maybe another year it will make more sense.

  • Beth Hart: Another concert I wanted to attend. I actually had tickets. But then, she postponed her tour. My initial tickets were for a Saturday in October. The concert was an hour drive away, and after the show, I was going to spend the night at my friend’s and drive back the next day. When Beth Hart rescheduled her tour, the date was changed to a Tuesday in May, a weekday where I had an afterschool meeting. May is also the final thrust of the school year with particular responsibilities, and by contract I’m bound not to take time off except in case of illness, bereavement, or with special permission. A Saturday in October made sense. Arranging to take special time off for a concert on a Tuesday in May during the final flurry of the school year, or, alternately, working a full day plus an afterschool meeting, then driving an hour to go to a concert wasn’t sounding fun or making sense. It was sounding like more work, not the fun diversion I was looking for. I sold my tickets to a friend.

I’m sounding like a regular concertgoer, aren’t I? Rather, note that I’m a failed concertgoer. One of these days, I’ll manage to amend that, but only if it makes sense.

Now one of my guiding personal mantras, whether or not someone or something makes sense can be applied to any aspect of your life–professional; romantic; recreational; personal, etc. Does it make sense to go on that trip? If so, when does it make sense to go on that trip? Does it make sense to accept that job? Does it make sense to hire that person/company for that job? Does it make sense to buy a house now? A car now? Does it make sense to buy that house? That car? Does that purchase make sense? Does going back to school make sense? Which college makes the most sense for my child? Does this friendship makes sense? (I’ve had friendships that didn’t and that I’ve let go of. No animosity, the friend simply wasn’t able to be the kind of friend that I want in my life.) Does this relationship make sense? Does going on this dinner date make sense? Ultimately, does putting your time/money/energy into a particular endeavor, person, or relationship make sense?

What makes sense for me, may or may not make sense for you. I date long-distance, because I know I’ll have better luck finding the kind of connection I seek if I broaden the pool of possibilities geographically. My children are grown, I’m near retirement, and I’m willing to relocate for the right man. All of those things make dating long-distance make sense in my life. But I know plenty of people for whom it doesn’t make sense. It is for you to discern what makes sense to you and for you. Consider–What are your determining factors on who and what makes sense in your life?

And finally, give yourself the grace of time. I’ve discovered that I make better decisions when I give myself time to think things through, rather than placing pressure upon myself to have a ready answer. Allowing myself the grace of time has allowed me to become better at my decision-making. Discernment doesn’t need to be rushed, unless particular circumstances dictate that necessity. Allow yourself adequate time to reflect and think things through.

May you find success in surrounding yourself with people and situations that make sense to you in your life. Good luck out there!

Relationship Values: Expand My Universe

/ blackbirddiaryblog / 1 Comment

Allow me to tell you about the Tom Ford room. Stay with me; I promise I’ll get to relationship values too.

Last summer, while in NYC, I spent a day at The Metropolitan Museum of Art. Wandering around the galleries, I came across the entrance to the exhibition In America: An Anthology of Fashion. Despite my passion for fashion, I almost walked on. After all, I’d already spent time with the first portion of the exhibition, In America: A Lexcion of Fashion, and there’s so much to see at The Met–did I really want to devote more of my time there to fashion? Well, yes.

The assignment: Each period furnished room in The American Wing of The Met was assigned to a different American film director. Their task was to create a narrative scene in their assigned room using clothing from the Met’s collection.

The execution of the task was wide-ranging. Sofia Coppola’s room was a disappointment. Assigned a 19th century room, she dressed the mannequins in 19th century clothes and placed them in predictable groupings. Uninspired. I could’ve easily accomplished the same outcome or better.

Chloe Zhao’s staging of the Shaker Retiring Room was more interesting. While the room itself is circa 1835, Zhao intermixed period costumes with clothes from the next century, specifically, Claire McCardell pieces from the 1930s-40s. And yet, what a fitting partnership of simple, utilitarian, austere fashion and furnishing. So removed in time, yet the hardships of Depression and wartime impacted fashion with a similar visual aesthetic that Shakers opted for via philosophy and religion. The pairing was interesting, and it worked.

Still with me? We’re almost there; only a couple more rooms to go. It’s worth the wait…

Janicza Bravo’s Rococo Revival Parlor could have been a scene from To Catch A Thief–a lone manequin, clad in a gown Grace Kelly could easily have worn, was staged in an extravagantly decorated side room. Chairs are pushed aside, the mannequin’s bolero jacket hangs on one chair, her cake plate sits atop another, and her shoes have been cast off–she’s taking a moment. There’s both a palpable external and internal narrative in the composition.

Martin Scorsese was assigned the Frank Lloyd Wright room and rose to the occasion. A party of mannequins dressed in period formal wear and placed in conversational groupings suited the setting. A soundtrack of an intimate conversation between a couple played on a loop–which couple was it? And what about the man(nequin) just outside the window looking in? The scene had an undercurrent of noir. Fashion, furnishing, art, story.

And then, there was the Tom Ford room…officially Gallery 735. The space itself is unique–the room is a large circle with John Vanderlyn’s painting ‘Panoramic View of the Palace and Gardens of Versailles‘ on the wall encircling the space. Two mannequins outiftted as regal doormen greeted me at the entrance. Upon entering, I was gobsmacked.

In the center of the room, the mannequins were in an all out fashion battle, airborne with martial art kicks and dueling swords! They were dynamic and energetic. Ford made them come alive with movement– the fashion simultaneouly still and in motion, like a movie freeze-frame. His inspiration: the Grand Divertissement à Versailles (Great Entertainment at Versailles) Fashion Event of November 28, 1973, commonly referred to as The Battle of Versailles, and so Ford staged it.

The Battle of Versailles was a fundraiser with five elite French fashion houses (Marc Bohan/Christian Dior; Pierre Cardin; Givenchy; Yves St. Laurent; and Emanuel Ungaro) versus five American ready-to-wear designers (Bill Blass; Stephen Burrows; Halston; Anne Klein; and Oscar de la Renta). The American designers were the underdogs, and the underdogs flipped it, turning the fashion world upside-down that day. American ready-to-wear dominated French haute-couteure with a gut punch. Tom Ford made it a literal kick to the gut! Brilliant!

Mesmerized, I circled the scene processing the fashion, the poses, the setting, the scene as a whole, and all the levels that Tom Ford was hitting it on–historical, metaphorical, visual, cultural, locale, narrative. It was all so pertinent, so perfect, so scintillating. Spellbound, I couldn’t stop thinking about the Tom Ford room. Back in Nebraska a few days later, I googled ‘Battle of Versailles,’ found a documentary about it (Versailles ’73: American Runway Revolution), and downloaded an app just so I could watch it. I wanted to know more.

Have you ever felt like that about someone? Mesmerized? So gobsmacked you can’t stop thinking about them? So charmed that you want to explore the niches of who they are and learn them better? You hadn’t forgotten this is a dating blog, had you?

I seek stimulation; I need stimulation. Without stimulation, I wither. I need to be intellectually engaged, and I seek stimulation in many forms–visual, geographical, experiential, physical, cultural, artistic, linguistic, academic, creative, narrative. And that’s what I seek in a partner–a stimulating companion, a man who can expand my universe and understanding, a man who can show me new vistas. I’m looking for the Tom Ford room in a man.

I’ve dated such men–Damon, the botanist; Isaac, the art historian; David, the writer; and David, the filmmaker (I’ve dated my share of Davids), to name a few. They’re men who are actively engaged with the art of living and learning, and this makes them engaging company. I’ve enjoyed having them open their worlds to me, expanding my universe. Anything less would be settling. If a man doesn’t have expanses to reveal to me, I’ll look for stimulation elsewhere, because expanding my universe is not only a relationship value, but a core life value. I want to engage with my world and keep learning, keep expanding what I know, where I go, and who I can be. And if I want that for myself, then I need it in a partner.

Ironically, by expanding my universe, it shrinks the world, making it more familiar, more intimate, more comfortable, and less intimidating. Simultaneously stimulating and comfortable. That’s the man I seek. The aforementioned men are all Tom Ford room men, and I’ve dated others as well. They’re a rarified breed of man. And while lasting relationship with a Tom Ford room man has eluded me to date, I won’t settle for less. I only need one of them to step it up and stick around. I’ll keep expanding my universe and hope that maybe someday one of them will.

And what about you? What mesmerizes you in a partner? What qualities in a match pique your interest and make you want even more? If you don’t already know, then consider the question and ponder its answer. Whatever it is, I wish you luck in finding it if you haven’t already. In a future post, we’ll address discerning your relationship values. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Relationship Values–Does it Make Sense?