Month: May 2025

Q & A: Intimacy without Commitment

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A Reader recently sent me the following question:

This one is less practical query, more subjective musing…. I think your readers would be interested in an honest exploration from you of the role of NON-long-term, non-committed intimacy in dating.

While I’m sure that most, if not all, of us are genuinely looking for the last/best relationship of a lifetime, I feel like for people in my age group, there’s also room for, and value in, the “in-between” —  intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness) without the expectation of it lasting forever.

There have been a few times in my experience when communication about such things has been good enough that it’s possible to navigate this with nobody getting terribly hurt. Though the chance for an imbalance in expectations is always there.

I know this is a loaded issue, and that male / female perspectives may be very different (or not as different as i think a lot of people assume). Anyway I’d be really interested in hearing you wax philosophical about this from your perspective as a woman with significant dating experience.

To begin with, I think the Reader is spot on in his thinking and musing. I agree that most of us ultimately do hope to find, “the last/best relationship of a lifetime.” But if that isn’t happening (yet), what about other relationship options? Let’s consider…

Terminology

While the type of relationship the Reader is describing sounds like Friend with Benefits, I personally dislike that terminology. FWB connotes a casual relationship–a friend who you hook-up with sometimes. Also, as someone from a certain age group, it feels sophomoric, and it doesn’t seem to adequately match the quality of relationship the Reader describes.

The Reader describes a relationship of, intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness) without the expectation of it lasting forever. Intimacy, friendship, and emotional closeness to me indicate more than simply a friendship with a sex add-on. On the spectrum of relationship, it seems to lie beyond FWB, but stops short of a last/best relationship.

As an English major, I appreciate the nuance of words and like them to suit the situation. So, what terminology best fits?

  • Situationship? Maybe. That signifies an undefined relationship, but I agree with our Reader, that communication in this scenario is important. Yet much like FWB, I find this term sophomoric as well.
  • Lover? This achieves the sense of intimacy, but it’s a broad term that doesn’t address commitment or lack thereof.
  • A fling? That connotes a brief love affair, as well as a casting off–the latter, not so flattering an association.
  • A flirtation? Perhaps better, it indicates being amorous without serious intent. Yet that seems to fall short of the intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness), that our Reader describes.

For our purposes here, let’s refer to this type of relationship as an “Interlude.” This term signifies both the “in-between-ness” that Our Reader mentions, and it also suggests something with a beginning and an end. It’s a more sophisticated term acknowledging that such a relationship may not be a committed relationship, but a more (amore?) refined term to denote the Reader’s desire for emotional connection and intimacy, as well as physical intimacy.

As for its lack of permanence, an Interlude serves as a type of relationship to fill an emotional and physical romantic space in the meantime, on the way to the last/best relationship most of us seek.

Know Yourself

When considering whether to have an Interlude, begin with from a place of self-scrutiny. Our Reader sounds very comfortable with such an arrangement, but not everyone would be. Be aware of your limits and what you can be comfortable with.

Myself, while I’ve had such connections in my journey, I generally find this a difficult space to inhabit. I tend to only be sexually aroused by men who I feel strong emotional connection with. If I don’t feel the emotional-sexual connection, then I’m probably not interested in pursuing more. And, if I do feel a strong emotional connection with a man, then I tend to want more from the relationship, not limitations in time or level of commitment.

When such a man imposes limitations on what we can be, I find maneuvering that space challenging. And frankly, I don’t appreciate being “good enough” for an Interlude but not worthy of being considered relationship material.

The Reader asks for a female perspective. While I hardly speak for all women, I think this is a common point of view for many women. That said, just as a man might be looking for a certain kind of companionship while seeking for his last/best relationship, there are certainly women who’ll be open to considering anInterlude as well. And, though it’s not a preferred place for me to dwell, I’ve visited it. I’ve had phases in my life where I’ve been more or less willing to get involved in such relationships, depending on how I’m feeling at the time.

This is where I think it’s important to know yourself and what you can handle. Can you handle that level of emotional and physical intimacy, yet still maintain a healthy emotional remove and work within the limits of an Interlude?

Also consider, Who can you handle such a relationship with and still find satisfaction in the Connection? There are some men who I can’t handle such a relationship with, and yet there’s a man who I’ve managed to maintain such an intermittent flirtation with across the years. We have emotional connection, friendship, and strong physical attraction, yet we’ve never manifested as a committed relationship.

In determining whether or not this might suit you, consider specific past connections that never quite got off the ground. Think of how you felt with each person and whether you could’ve emotionally handled that level of emotional and physical intimacy with imposed limits.

Or, if you’ve had a Romantic Interlude before, reflect back on whether or not that worked for you. Was it emotionally messy? Did it provide welcome companionship?

Consider any current relationships you have where you feel connected, but there doesn’t seem to be relationship momentum. Zoom out and examine your thoughts and feelings. Does a Romantic Interlude feel like an attractive option? Or does it feel emotionally dangerous?

Consider the Other Person

Our Reader has good impulses. He states, “There have been a few times in my experience when communication about such things has been good enough that it’s possible to navigate this with nobody getting terribly hurt.“

When pursuing a Romantic Interlude, it’s key to consider not only whether you’re emotionally comfortable in this space, but is the other person? If you care enough about someone to wander down the road of both physical AND emotional intimacy, then you probably care enough about their well-being that you don’t want them to get hurt.

The best way to discern whether the other person can handle such an arrangement would be, as our Reader says, good communication. Such communication would need to clearly express what your limits are and ensuring that they’re comfortable with those limits.

It’s also worth considering, based on your knowledge of the person, your own perception of whether or not you think they could handle an Interlude without being terribly hurt. If you sense that they couldn’t, then perhaps it’s best to not broach the topic at all. Rather, enjoy the relationship for what it already is without pushing at its limits.

Pay Attention to the Signage

As your Interlude plays out, pay attention to the signals that you’re receiving from your companion, both verbal and silent. Do they seem comfortable and relaxed? Do they seem wistful? Do you sense they’re pushing for more? Alternatively, are they pulling away?

Also, zoom out and examine your own feelings about the Connection. Is the Connection satisfying in the way you’d hoped? Do you have concerns or misgivings?

If no particular concerns arise, then enjoy and savor it for what it is while it lasts. But remember, by the very nature of it being NON-long-term, non-committed, it will probably play out at some point. Pay attention to the signage so you’re aware when the Interlude has reached its coda.

On the contrary, if you sense that maybe the Connection is worth exploring in a more committed long-term capacity, pay attention to whether you’re getting any signaling from your companion that they may or may not be feeling the same. Again, as our Reader stated, communication will be crucial to ensure that both you and your companion are on the same page about the limits of the connection or expanding its potential.

By paying attention to the signage you’re getting, both from own your feelings and perceptions, as well as any signals or communication from your Connection, you’ll have a good sense of when it may be time to shift gears or whether it makes sense to maintain your course.

Final Thoughts

While the focus of this post is on Romantic Interludes, ultimately, I hope you find your last/best relationship of a lifetime. I do love the way our Reader worded that. In the meantime, enjoy any Interlude(s) and maneuver them carefully. Good luck out there!

Should You have any questions, please post them in the comments below or send them via my Contact page.

Shifting Dating Strategies to Match Your Phase

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Have you ever felt stuck in your dating life? Craved for things to be different? If so, you’re not alone.

There are all kinds of reasons we might feel dissatisfied with the way things are going and all kinds of reasons we may want to try something different. It’s okay to feel dissatisfied with the way thing are. The good news is, you can do something about it.

Different Phases

We go through different phases in our life, because we’re living through experiences and evolving as individuals. Things are happening to us, we’re making things happen, or maybe our lives are fairly static. Whatever our lived experience, we can’t help but respond to it in some way. Sometimes this response is a positive emotion, such as satisfaction and gratitude for the way things are going, but sometimes we have a more negative emotional response to our situation, such as disappointment, regret, or wistfulness.

The emotional reactions we have to our lived experience can in turn impact that experience itself. If you’re feeling sad about a break-up, you may not feel like dating for a while. Alternately, a break-up may feel liberating, and you may want to really put yourself out there. Your emotional response to the experience impacts how you feel about dating. For our purposes, I refer to these different feelings and experiences over time as Phases.

For Example

David and I had a strong connection from the beginning. When he broke it off, it completely blindsided me. Severely depressed, I didn’t date for almost a year. I had to grieve and come to terms with my new reality before I was ready to move on. The grief was one phase and being in a place where I was ready to put myself back out there was another phase.

My relationship with Stanley was more turbulent in general. In the last year of our relationship, I broke it off with him five times. By the time I was able to stick the landing, I’d already largely grieved the relationship and was ready to move on. Two weeks after the break up, I was back on Match. Actively committing to the relationship and trying to make it work was a phase; being willing to walk away from the relationship, but not sticking the landing was another phase; and sticking the landing of the break up and moving on was yet another phase.

Evolution over Time

Like the moon, we can be essentially the same, yet evolve with time. The woman I am today, is not the same as the woman I was when I started dating after my divorce. In the meantime, I’ve had experiences that have shaped me and that I’ve grown from. I’ve come into my own. I’ve evolved into a stronger more confident version of myself.

There are some men from my past who wouldn’t be a good fit for me today. While there was a reason I went out with them at the time, they don’t suit the woman who I’ve evolved to be.

And yet, I’m still the same me at my core–empath, lover, learner, English major, etc. I’m the same, but different. I’ve evolved over time much like the moon presents itself in different phases over time, yet the moon remains the same.

How have you evolved over time?

Other Factors

There are plenty of other factors that can influence how we’re feeling and responding to our experience at different points in time–health; financial well-being; professional experiences; personal relationships; family issues; social context; etc.

Personally, I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder. For me, this means that my mood and outlook can be very different in the late fall/winter than in the spring/summer months. My mood and outlook go through seasonal phases, much like the moon goes through phases over time.

How are the factors in your life currently affecting your outlook?

Matching Your Dating Strategy to Your Current Phase

To match your dating strategy to where you’re currently at, first you need to assess where you are and how you’re feeling. If you’re feeling good about the way things are going, then why shift strategies? However, if you’re feeling stuck or dissatisfied with how things are going, it’s worth considering how shifting your strategy might improve your outlook and experience.

Recently, my friend Evan told me that he’s gotten off Match. He said that the interactions he was having with women weren’t that interesting. He’s a public speaker, and, for now, he’s going to focus his energy on having an “I’m available” vibe at his events. It’s not the first time he’s shifted strategies to match where he’s currently at. And, it’s quite possible that he’ll find his way back to Match or some other dating platform in the future if “vibing” doesn’t work well for him.

If you’re dissatisfied with your current dating experience, why is that? What isn’t working in your present tense? What would you like to happen? How can you help that happen in ways that aren’t happening now?

Changing Up Your Strategy

There are several things you can do to change up your strategy, whether you’re looking to expand or refine your dating options.

Dating Platforms

If you aren’t already on a dating platform, try setting up a profile. These days, online dating is common, and there are lots of people out there to meet. This is an easy way to make new potential connections.

If you’re already on a platform, consider whether your profile is as effective as it could be. Are you adequately showcasing who you are both through photos and a biographical summary? Is it easy for potential connections to get a sense of your personality, lifestyle, and what you look like across time and place? If not, you might consider upgrading your profile.

If you’re just setting up or upgrading your profile, make sure to have several current photos, including both head shots and full-body shots. It’s important to also write a summary to go with your profile. The summary is how potential matches will get a sense of the kind of person you are and whether you might be a good potential match for them.

If you’re already on a platform and feel good about your profile, why not try a new platform? There are plenty of options out there, each with different strengths and weaknesses. Some platforms are tailored to broad audiences (i.e., Match, Plenty of Fish, Hinge) and others to a particular demographic (i.e., JDate, Farmers Only, Christian Mingle, Grindr). Try a new one that suits where you’re at.

Alternately, try a new tool on your current platform. My favorite tool on Match has been Discover, where based on my dating preferences, Match daily sends me profiles of potentially suitable matches. I go through the profiles to see if there’s anyone that piques my interest. However, when my daily discoveries went from 200 to 50, I started to make use of the Search tool as well as checking out the Highlights section.

Geographic Distance

Another way to change up your dating strategy is to consider altering your geographic search. By broadening your geographic search, you also broaden your pool of potential matches. Are you willing to consider dating someone a little further away to have a better opportunity at finding a good match?

How far you’re willing to expand your search, and the resulting payoff, may be dependent on where you live. In a cosmopolitan area, broadening it by 10 miles could give some good results. Broadening it by 50 miles could potentially have a huge impact.

For me, in Lincoln, Nebraska, 60 miles allows for the Omaha area to be part of my search. 500 miles allows for Kansas City, Denver, and Chicago to be included in my search. 1500 miles allows a search including all of the lower forty-eight states. Broadening my search to 1500 miles is something I did gradually over several years. As a result, I’ve met some fascinating men from across the country.

Some dating platforms that easily allow for a broader geographic search include Match, Elite Singles, Zoosk, and EHarmony.

Who You’re Willing to Consider

If you’re dissatisfied with the status of your dating life, it might be worth considering the type of people you’ve been dating. Are you willing to expand on your type to shake things up and explore new possibilities? Or alternately, do you need to consider narrowing your type to find more satisfactory matches?

You can consider expanding or narrowing your type as you sift through profiles, but you can also broaden or narrow your type by adjusting your search settings, such as:

  • Age
  • Height
  • Body type
  • Race/Ethnicity
  • Education Level
  • Religion/Faith

I’ve gone through phases where I was open to dating outside of my “type” to see if anyone surprised me. Inevitably, I tend to return to my default type because I find such men stimulating and attractive.

Ideally, you want to narrow your pool of possibilities enough that you’re satisfied with your matches, yet broaden your pool enough that you aren’t limiting yourself out of good possibilities. Who are you willing to potentially open yourself up to?

Alternative Ways to Meet People

Though we live in a time when online dating seems to be the norm, there are other ways to meet people. Consider whether you’re open to alternative ways to meeting potential matches other than an online platform. Look for and create opportunities to meet potential matches. Is there anything you could do to hep yourself that you aren’t currently doing? For example…

Ask a friend to set you up with someone

Recently, my friend Erik was introduced to someone by a friend. It went well, and they’ve been dating her for several weeks now. I hope to meet her sometime soon!

Several years ago, my friend Leah was reintroduced to someone. The chemistry flew and they married the following year.

Do you have any friends you trust enough to set you up? If so, ask if they know anyone you might be compatible with.

Singles Events

Have you tried any singles events? Do a Google search to see what’s available. Check for local Match and Facebook events. See if there are any speed dating opportunities in your area.

Get Out

Are you getting out of the house and doing things with some regularity? The more you get out of the house, the more opportunity you have to meet people. If you’re participating in activities and attending events you enjoy, you’re putting yourself in a social context where you’re surrounded by people with a similar interest.

My birthday is coming up. To celebrate, I’m going to Omaha’s Joslyn Art Museum. It’s something I’ll enjoy, and while I have no expectation of meeting someone, I’ll be in an environment with other people who also enjoy art. Years ago, I met Mac at the Musée d’Orsay in Paris. We chatted at the cafe over lunch, and ended up spending the next couple of days together. Keep yourself open to opportunity!

Go to events, take yourself to dinner, go listen to live music, join a club, participate in an activity–put yourself in a context where you’re doing something you enjoy and have the opportunity to meet likeminded people. If you meet someone you’re interested in and attracted to, flirt a little…or a lot!

Approach Someone You’re Drawn to

Unless you live in a remote are, you’re probably around people frequently, whether at the grocery store, on the trail, at a place of worship, in a museum, at a restaurant, or in an airport. While you’re out and about living your life, If you see someone who you’re drawn to and seems to be available, try to approach them.

If there’s any easy way to strike up conversation naturally, do so. If you’re at a restaurant, it could be, “How’s the salmon? It looks delicious.” At an art museum, perhaps something along the lines of, “Do you like Sol LeWitt’s (or whatever artist has a piece/exhibition there) work?”

If they seem receptive to conversation, let them know that they caught your eye. Say something specific and authentic, so it doesn’t come off as a line, such as “You have a lovely smile,” or “I like your jacket. It looks good on you. You have a great sense of style.”

If you do approach someone, be careful to read the signals they’re sending you, especially if you’re a man approaching a woman; women feeling safe is a legitimate concern. If your conversation seems unwelcome, be respectful and back off quickly and politely.

Time

How much time are you willing to devote to finding romantic possibility? If you want more to happen, try devoting more time to your search, going through online profiles, putting yourself out there, and communicating with potential matches.

Conversely, if you’re feeling burnt out, put that time into yourself! Do and pursue your curiosities and interests. When you’re ready to put more time into your romantic search, you’ll be that much more intriguing and evolved.

How much time are you willing to devote to limited romantic possibility? I’ve gone through phases where I’ve spent time engaging in flirtations with men I liked, even though I sensed there probably wasn’t a future for the connection. At such times, it was nice to have someone to talk to, even if it wasn’t going anywhere. And flirtations, even ones without a future, can be fun and affirming.

And yet, currently, my feeling is that I don’t want to waste my time (or someone else’s) if the connection doesn’t seem to have any real potential. Do you need to prioritize how much time you devote to limited possibility, or are you enjoying such interactions even if they may not have a future?

Final Thoughts

Wherever you are in your journey, whatever your phase, however evolved you’ve become, be mindful of where you are. By doing so, you can act with intention and in accordance with whatever makes the most sense for the phase you’re in at any given time. And if you’re ready for something more to happen, then try something different to help it happen.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Q & A–Intimacy without Commitment