Month: October 2025

Looking at Dating Profiles: Communication Clues

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Online dating is very much the norm these days, and to that end, anyone who’s serious about finding romantic relationship should take their online dating profile seriously. A dating profile is akin to a professional resume–both are about finding the right fit and involve marketing oneself well. When looking at dating profiles, frame it as looking at someone’s romantic resume and use that information purposefully to determine whether they’re worth further consideration.

In my last post, I outlined some look-fors to help determine potential compatibility. Here, we’ll look at what someone’s communication style reveals about them. Someone’s communication style can clue you in on their personality, and if someone provides an ample summary, it should allow you to discern a little about who they are.

A Conversational Tone

The best profile summaries come off as conversational in tone, as if the person is talking to you, not at you. Instead of just telling you things about themself, such a summary acts as an invitation to further conversation, and often leaves you curious to know more.

Years ago, Stanley’s profile left me feeling that way. He talked about himself and his interests, then ended his summary with, “And what about you?” It made me feel like he wasn’t just talking at me, but that he wanted to get to know me. We ended up dating for four years.

A profile that invites conversation is a sign that the person isn’t just selling themself, but considering you, and minus any red flags or major turnoffs, may be worth further consideration.

Who You Are vs. Who They Seek

Do they try to tell you who you are rather than tell you who and what they seek? These profiles usually say, quite literally, “You are….” Telling you who you are is a misguided attempt on their part to make you feel like they’re talking right to you and to give a sense of intimacy. In Stanley’s example, he didn’t tell me who I am, he asked who I am.

It’s okay for someone to have a sense of who they seek, but when someone goes on and on about the qualities that YOU are, they’re really kind of boxing you in as a person. You either fit in the box they provide or you don’t fit in their box from the get go. Personally, I find this a little off-putting. Let me be who I am, and wouldn’t they be lucky for the opportunity to learn me as a person?

More on Tone

The tone in which someone says something can be telling. Pay attention to whether someone’s summary reads in a particular kind of tone. If so, what kind of tone are they giving off? Is it warm? Inviting? Kind? Fun? Tongue-in-cheek? Aloof? Sarcastic? Smug?

What can you infer about the kind of person they are based on their tone? Is it a welcome tone, an off-putting tone, or a neutral tone?

Also consider whether they come off as either defensive or offensive. It’s easy to get jaded with online dating, but potential matches shouldn’t be taking it out on you–you haven’t done anything to them yet! If they’re putting a negative energy out from the get-go, then best to get going.

Voice

Do they have a unique voice or does their profile read like so many others? Some people just spit out facts about themselves: where they grew up; where they’ve lived; how many siblings/children they have; what their job is. Our lives are more than an accumulation of what we’ve done and where we’ve lived. Do they tell you only the facts or do they narrate their story with voice?

Humor

Do they tell jokes? If so, are the jokes canned or original? Are they sarcastic? Self-deprecating? Actually funny or not really? A person’s sense of humor can be either a turn-on or a turn-off depending on if it strikes your funny bone or misses.

Gimmicks vs. Creativity

Is their summary gimmicky? Creative? A gimmicky summary might be an attempt at originality, but gimmicks don’t always have a successful execution, particularly if someone is overly married to the gimmick. A truly creative personality isn’t confined by a gimmick, because they can communicate their uniqueness without a crutch.

CAPS, Emoji Speak, and LOL

Excessive use of CAPS, emoji speak, and lol (and similar social acronyms) gives off a very casual and unoriginal vibe, someone who trends on normal rather than someone who’s insightful and original. Overuse of CAPs can also feel like someone is yelling at you or doesn’t know how to tone it down. If that doesn’t bother you, then great, but if that’s a turnoff, then keep moving.

The False Apology

Are they falsely apologetic along the lines of, “Sorry no shitless pics, bathroom selfies, or fish photos…”? While it’s great that they don’t succumb to the non-obligatory photos that are oh-so cliché, the need to draw your attention to it in a sarcastic way is unnecessary. They still haven’t completely broken free from the cliché.

Clichés

Speaking of clichés, do they speak in clichés? Do they say things like, “Looking for a partner in crime…”? Maybe that’s a non-issue for you, but clichés are a sign of unoriginal, limited, and lazy thinking. By relying on clichés, a person is using words that other people have said over and over again rather than attempting to formulate and express their own thoughts and feelings. And if they’re actually looking for a partner in crime, are you interested in jail time?

Disclaimers

Do they have a disclaimer such as “Please read with the humor intended…” or “Not meant to insult”? If they have a disclaimer, then maybe they shouldn’t have posted the content they can’t lay claim to?

Disingenuousness

Are they disingenuous? I’ve seen both “JUST RELEASED FROM PRISON,” and “I live with my Mother. I am a near (sic) do well and con artist. I like to kick puppies, trip old ladies and make children cry…” The latter example continued at length. If they aren’t showing you who they really are, and they’re doing it in a very unfunny way, that’s two marks against them out of the gate.

Complaining

Do they complain? Worse, do they complain about their dating pool? A male example: “Trying to find a good woman is like tryin (sic) to nail Jello to a tree”.

A female example: “I constantly hear about how men expect the women they date to look like their photos and end up being disappointed upon meeting!!! I can assure y’all I look like mine! The question is…DO YOU LOOK LIKE YOURS?…” It continues, but you get the idea.

Dating is hard. Most of us have to deal with a fair amount of frustration and heartbreak along the way. However, taking that frustration and hurt out on people among whom they seek a potential mate is unproductive and shows poor coping skills. No bueno.

Final Thoughts

A proper dating profile summary provides ample information to help discern whether you might be compatible with someone. How a person communicates their information and who they are can be as telling as the information they provide. Be attuned to a person’s communication style so you can make an informed choice on whether or not they might be a good potential match.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might also appreciate it. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Discerning Authenticity

Looking at Dating Profiles: Information & Summary Look-fors

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Dating profiles are akin to a dating resume. In much the same way that an employer and a potential employee use the application and interview process to discern whether they’re a good professional fit for each other, a dating profile serves as an audition for potential romantic relationship. We can use the information provided in a dating profile much like an employer uses the information provided in a resume to discern whether the person might be a good fit and worth further consideration.

The first part of a dating profile that people generally look at is the photos. We can quickly process the visual information therein to gauge whether we find the person physically attractive or not, and if their profile is worth further scrutiny. Previously, I addressed how to look at profile photos more thoughtfully; here we’ll explore how to look at the other information in profiles with purpose.

Information is good. Information helps us better understand people and situations, allowing us to make more informed decisions. A good dating profile provides enough information to determine whether or not someone might be a good fit. It’s our job to use that information to discern whether someone is potentially a good match for us.

Look-For: Information is Provided

If There Isn’t Much Information

A dating profile is someone’s opportunity to provide you with information to help you discern whether they might be a good fit for you. If someone isn’t making the effort to provide you enough information to discern that, then they aren’t taking finding right relationship very seriously in the same way that someone with a paltry resume isn’t taking their job search seriously.

I personally find a profile with little information a turn-off, but if you’re still intrigued, that puts more of the onus on you to gather the information not provided. Do be mindful that some such profiles might be fake (especially if there’s only one extremely attractive photo). Alternately, it’s possible they might be hiding something. If you choose to proceed, be careful and make a point to ask questions and actively gather information.

More is More

The longer the Profile Summary and the more thoroughly questions are answered on a dating profile, the more indicative it is that they have something to say and can make interesting conversation rather than stumble for words. I’d rather have conversation over dinner or drinks with someone who has something to say versus someone who doesn’t.

Along those lines, if someone actively leads their profile off with, “I don’t know what to write,” that’s enough for me to move along. Can you imagine answering a job interview question with, “I don’t know what to say?” Probably not going to go over well as a professional move, and for a dating profile not compelling. Romantically, aren’t we all looking for someone we do find compelling?

What that compelling looks like will be different for each of us, but a profile should ideally give us enough information to get a general sense of the kind of person they are–intellectual, adrenaline junkie, world traveler, fashionista, sports fan, sarcastic, cinephile, etc. If it doesn’t, then they are actively making it difficult for potential matches to discern interest and compatibility.

Look-for: Compatibility

When you find a profile that you find intriguing, that’s great! Don’t we all want someone who draws us in and stimulates our interest? But, take a further look, to ensure whether you’re potentially compatible.

Complement vs. Copy

A person doesn’t need to be your copy to be compatible. On the Seinfeld episode where Jerry falls for Janeane Garofalo’s character, who’s so much like himself, by the end of the episode she’s driving him bananas.

The trick is to find balance–someone who you have enough in common with to be compatible, and who’s differences complement you rather than put you off. What differences do you find attractive, which can you be neutral about, and which are off-putting?

If someone’s a night owl and you’re a morning person, that’s probably manageable. But if you have an active outdoor lifestyle and they’re sedentary that might be problematic. Myself, I’m not handy whatsoever, so I really appreciate a man who is! When reading profile summaries, pay attention to what qualities complement you, which are neutral for you, and which simply don’t make sense in your life.

Values

Besides habits, hobbies, and lifestyle, another important consideration in compatibility is values. Values can be religious/spiritual, political, social, philosophical, environmental, or civic in nature. If your core values are in opposition to a romantic partner, that’s not a good recipe for success. When looking at profile summaries, keep in mind whether the person shares your core values, seems simpatico or open-minded, or is coming from a drastically different place.

Look-for: Personality

When you’re reading a profile, be mindful of personality cues to help you discern the kind of person someone is and whether or not they might be a good fit for you.

Normal or Not

Do you want someone average or someone with more personality? Some people find normal comforting, but If you want someone with more personality, then pay attention when reading a profile to whether it stands out in some way or reads like so many others.

Some people are helpful with discerning this by disclosing some version of, “I’m just a normal guy.” If someone tells you they’re normal, average, or ordinary, believe them. And if you want more than that, keep moving.

Personality Qualities

When reading someone’s Profile Summary, think about what personality qualities come to mind. Do they strike you as intellectual? Humorous? Introverted? Confident? Kind? Pompous? Anxious? Creative? What aspects of their summary are giving you that impression? The more specific you can be about naming the personality quality you’re picking up on and the evidence of that quality in their profile, the better you can get a sense of who the person behind the profile is.

Self-Awareness

Along with being able to find the words to write about oneself comes self-knowledge. Do they seem to have a self-awareness? Or do they need to rely on their friends for descriptors of who they are?

Match suggests people to ask their friends how the friends would describe them to help people find the words to write their Profile Summaries. Perhaps that’s a non-issue for you, but it may be worth considering if you want someone who already knows themself well enough to tell you who they are without that crutch.

Myself, it’s not a dealbreaker, but it is a bit of a turn-off when someone needs the help of their friends to express themselves–a little middle school, a “tell so-and-so I like them” kind of vibe.

Look-for: Red Flags

When reading a profile keep an eye out for any red flags. If red flags are already popping up in their Profile Summary, that’s an indication of a behavior that’s not going to go away.

Defensive and Offensive Behavior

A Profile Summary is someone’s opportunity to attract potential matches. If someone is already on the defensive or offensive in their Profile Summary, they’re revealing that as part of their personality.

For example, “Please…get rid of the filters. Put your clothes on, put your tongue back in your face, stop flipping off the camera, and please post pictures that are least (sic) recent and clear.”  

Now, while his complaints may have some legitimacy, his profile is not the place to air his frustration (A bartender, friend, or therapist would be a more appropriate outlet.). Dude is on the offensive before even making a connection. He’s berating women who aren’t necessarily guilty of the offense, simply based on his past experience. No bueno. I don’t want to be blamed for his ex’s mistakes. Do you? He clearly has some self-work to do.

Now, imagine being in a relationship with someone who when you have a disagreement, their go-to communication style is to go defense or offense rather than have a respectful discussion. Would you rather be with someone who wants to play on the same team or on opposing sides?

Peacocks

They may be a very accomplished and intriguing person, but be mindful of whether they’re peacocking. If they’re actively bragging, they may have ego issues. Narcissists don’t make good romantic partners.

The Ex

Do they mention their ex? This is their introduction to potential future romantic partners, if they lead with talk about their ex, one has to wonder if they have adequate emotional distance. Talk of exes can come later as you get to know each other and each other’s histories. If their ex is forefront enough on their mind for them to mention him/her in their pitch, that’s a little problematic.

Look-for: That Spark of Interest

If the profile has limited information, it’s difficult to discern personality and feel much of a spark of interest. But if there’s ample information, you should be able to discern whether or not you’re interest is piqued enough to explore them as a potential match.

Reading the profile, does it make you curious about them? Raise questions that you’d be interested to hear the answers to? Wonder what it would be like to be with them? Curious to know more? Do they seem like someone dinner conversation would be easy and/or stimulating with?

Does anything about the profile make you smile? Laugh? Someone who has the capacity to do that’s pretty special and worthy of further consideration.

Final Thoughts

A person’s dating profile is akin to a professional resume. It’s their opportunity to show you who they are to help you discern whether they might be a good relationship fit. It’s up to you to use the information that a potential match provides to help you discern whether they’re a connection worth further investigation or if it’s a mismatch out of the gate.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Communication Clues