Month: July 2025

Looking at Dating Profiles: Photographs

/ blackbirddiaryblog

In the past, I’ve given guidance on how to choose and take photos for your dating profile, as well as tips for crating your dating profile summary, all to the end of helping you represent yourself both authentically and effectively on platform. That work goes to projecting yourself, now let’s turn toward the receptive side–how to look at dating profiles strategically.

By being savvy about how we look at profiles, we can save ourselves time and date smarter. We can easily weed out questionable and unsuitable profiles; be aware when it might be worth getting more information; and when a person’s profile is compelling enough to actively pursue the person behind it.

Think of the force of a magnet, pulling an object toward it. This force of attraction is rightly applied to the chemistry between two people, that sense of being pulled toward each other. And while physical attraction is rarely enough to sustain a connection on its own, it’s often the starting point. All the more so in the case in the context of a dating platform, where we’re faced with a limited dimensionality of the person behind the profile–the first thing to grab our attention is generally someone’s photo. So, let’s begin here…

There Should be Photos

Well, if there aren’t photos, that’s problematic. One has to wonder–What are they hiding? A lot of attraction begins from a place of physical attraction, and if they aren’t letting you see what they look like, there’s probably a reason. When discerning potential romantic connections, you deserve information to help you determine if they’re potentially a good fit, including if you find them physically attractive. If they aren’t even providing you this basic information, then best to move on.

The Photos Should be Current

Profile photos should be fairly current, within the last couple of years for the most part, unless they have a special throwback photo (e.g., standing on the Olympic podium with their medal). You aren’t able to date them as they were ten years ago, so they should accurately represent themselves for how they look now. And if they aren’t accurately representing how they look now, then why? Are they being lazy? Deceptive? Neither reason is acceptable..

There are ways to discern if photos are current or not, though often it’s fairly obvious. Sometimes a photo has the tint of age as an indicator. The clothes, hairstyle(s), or context of the photo can also be a clue. Another thing to consider is whether they look their stated age in the photos. If not, it could signify that their photos aren’t current.

The Photos Should Be Clear and Correctly Oriented

The purpose of providing photographs is so that potential matches can get an idea of what a person looks like and whether they find the person physically attractive. To that end, the photographs provided should make it easy to discern what the person looks like–not blurry, not out of range (Unless it’s giving you other information, like they’re an international traveler and they’ve been to Mount Fiji.), not out of frame, not you-have-to-tilt-your-head to see it properly.

If the photographs don’t allow you to easily discern what the person looks like, then why are they there? And why can’t they bother to figure out how to orient a photo correctly?

On “Obligatory” Photographs

To my mind, the only truly obligatory photographs are a close-up and a full body shot. The purpose of these is to give you a clear idea of what the person looks like. The fish, gym, car, and bathroom selfies, are not only unnecessary, but for me something of a turn-off as they’re a sign of unoriginal thinking. The cliché nature of the so-called “obligatory” photograph may be a non-issue for you, but it’s worth noting.

There Should be a Variety of Photos

A variety of photos helps you get a better sense of what a person really looks like, as well as the kind of person they are. A well-developed profile usually has at least five. I currently have twenty photos on my profile.

Close-ups and Full Body Shots

The profile should have both close-ups and full body shots so that you can get a good idea of what they really look like (the close-up) and what their body type is (the full body shot). There should be multiples of each type of photos so that you can get a clear idea of what they look like.

Across Place and Time

Ideally, the photos provided have been taken across place and time rather than in one single setting. My friend EJ refers to the latter as looking like a JC Penny catalog photo shoot.

Photos taken across place and time will give you a better idea of what they look like consistently–across different settings and in different contexts. For instance, is there a photo of them dressed up? Dressed casually? In athletic gear?

By a variety of settings and contexts, you can also gather information about that kind of person they are. Pay attention to the context of the photos, the background, and any additional people in the photographs.

The Context

The context of photographs can give you information about the activities someone enjoys. You can use this information to help you determine if they are potentially compatible. Are they athletic? Attending a sporting event? At a gala? In an art museum? At the beach? In nature? Travelling abroad? RVing? A biker? In an office? In a school? At a bar? Fine dining? Fishing? On a boat? On a private jet? In the pilot seat?

Pay Attention to the Background

The background of a photograph can also give you insights into a person. For instance, if the picture is taken at their home–Is it cluttered? Neat? What is their taste in decor? Modern? Minimalist? Is it desperately in need of an update? Does it look like thousands of other suburban homes or does it have character? Do they have a good visual aesthetic? Do they have art? Most importantly, does their vibe work in your world?

The background of someone’s photographs show you how a person lives and the environments where they spend time. You can use this context to help discern whether their lifestyle might make sense in your world and vice versa.

The Other People in the Photos

The other people in photographs can give you clues about a person as well. You might be able to get a clue about the age of their children and how many they have, for instance. There’s a big difference between dating someone with a toddler and someone with teenagers. There’s also a big difference between dating someone with one child and four children.

Also consider how they’re behaving with their companions. Do they look like they are partying hard? Do they look relaxed? Do they appear uptight or awkward? I‘ve seen profile photos where a good looking woman had her arm around the guy. Why is he showing me a picture of him cozying up to another woman? Unless that’s his sister, forget it.

Sometimes people scribble out or slap smiley faces on their companions to protect their privacy. Personally, I find this tacky. If they feel the need to protect the privacy of their companions, then why use that picture at all? Though it’s not a hard “no,” it does affect my perception of them somewhat. It’s up to you to determine what your visual turn-ons and turn-offs are.

Can You Picture Yourself in Their Photos?

Consider the different contexts, settings, and people in the photographs you see. Can you visualize yourself in those contexts and settings, and with those people? Does the visual information the photographs provide potentially make sense within the contexts, settings, and people in your life?

For instance, I can neither visualize myself going to a sporting event with people so fanatical that they paint their faces, nor being with someone so athletically intense that they ice climb.

I can, however, visualize myself at a formal gala, hiking in a national park, at an art museum, drinking cocktails at a speakeasy, or travelling internationally. I am all for expanding my universe, but there are some settings, contexts, and people that make more sense in my life than others. If I can’t visualize myself in their photographs, I move on.

Looking at profile photos, discern as best as you can what contexts and settings potentially make sense in your life. There’s more to a profile and person than photographs, but use the information provided as a starting point to discern whether it’s worth gathering more information or if the person’s a mismatch right out of the gate.

Are They Effable?

Okay, English major wordplay here…what I really mean is f***able, but that’s effable, right?

When looking at profile photos, of course we’re discerning whether or not we find the person attractive, but I use a slightly higher measure than simply whether I find them generally attractive. The measure I use is whether or not I consider the man to be potentially f***able. Can I see myself being physically intimate with him? Can I imagine wanting him to touch me and wanting to touch him? Can I visualize a kiss?

Physical intimacy is an important aspect of a romantic relationship for me. There are plenty of attractive guys who I can’t picture myself physically craving, and there are men who I find physically cravable. I want to be in relationship with one of the latter. If I don’t perceive the guy as potentially f***able, I pass them by. Why waste my time?

If physical intimacy is important for you too, consider looking at profile photos through this lens–Can you see yourself being physically intimate with this person? If not, perhaps you want to move on too.

Final Thoughts

Profile pictures are an initial tool to perceive whether you might be potentially interested in a person. Not only can they help you discern whether (or not) you find a person physically attractive, but they also provide a lot of corollary information as well. Use the clues and information the photographs provide to help you discern whether or not the person might make sense in your world.

May the force of attraction be with you. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Manage Your Expectations–In the Beginning…

Relationship Mistakes: Apply What You’ve Learned

/ blackbirddiaryblog

We all have lived experience, some of it good, and unavoidably, some bad. This experience–what happens to us, what we make happen, and how we respond to what happens–helps inform who we are and how we grow (or fail to) as individuals. Ideally, we evolve and become better versions of ourselves, having learned some lessons from our lived experience, including relationships and relationship mistakes.

Most of us have made our share of relationship mistakes. To do better going forward, it’s important to learn from those mistakes, then be intentional about applying what you’ve learned.

Lessons Learned

At this point, hopefully you’ve learned some lessons from your dating and relationship history to help guide you in your dating experience. Myself, I’ve learned enough to fill a (literal) manuscript. I also have notes aplenty for manuscripts yet-to-be.

If you haven’t been intentional about learning from your relationship history, it’s worth taking time to reflect on this. What were some relationship issues from your past? Do you have any relationship mistakes that haunt you? Relationship regrets? Relationship mistakes might include actions and behaviors of yours; your choice of a romantic partner who was a poor fit; or the problematic behavior of a former partner.

If nothing easily comes to mind, do a Relationship Autopsy (per my last post) to dig down and really identify past issues, so that you can avoid repeating them.

If you’re intentional about learning from your relationship history, this can also help you identify your Relationship Values, elements that are crucial to your ability to thrive in relationship. It can also help you recognize any patterns of behavior that you want to replace in yourself or, conversely, avoid in a partner.

In this post, we’ll focus on applying the lessons we’ve learned from our dating-relationship history.

Be Aware: Recognizing Your Mistakes and Theirs

To apply the lessons you’ve learned from relationship mistakes, it’s necessary to bring an awareness–an objective eye–to your experience in real time. If you’re able to zoom out effectively, you can watch your own behavior, as well as the behavior of any potential romantic partners.

With that watchfulness, you want to be on the lookout for any of your past behaviors/choices that you want to interrupt or any behaviors from matches that are problematic. Of course, you’ll also want to pay attention any positive or attractive behaviors and chemistry as well–this is what we’re ultimately after.

Self-Awareness

Start with yourself. We carry our histories with us, but in each moment we have the opportunity to choose who we are anew and where we want to go. To put the best version of ourselves out there, first we must have a strong self-awareness–recognizing our strengths, weaknesses, inclinations, and patterns of behavior.

Acknowledge your shortcomings, both past and present, in relationships so that you can address those behaviors and tendencies going forward. If you identify areas that you still need to work on, zoom out and ask yourself why you engage in that behavior or have that tendency. What feeling is behind it? How does that behavior serve you?

For instance, if you recognize that you’re prone to being defensive, ask yourself why. Usually defensiveness is a shield for insecurities, either presuming that someone’s on the attack or a deflective denial of any wrongdoing.

Whatever negative behavior you recognize, dig down and get to the bottom of why you’re manifesting this behavior and what you can do to interrupt it. In the example of defensiveness, you might ask yourself: What am I insecure about? Why? Have I had this behavior modeled for me(e.g., from a parent)? What can I do to build my confidence? How can I interact in a more prosocial way?

Tweak the questions to suit whatever behavior pattern you’re trying to interrupt, so that you can truly understand the Why behind the pattern of behavior. Then, practice a replacement behavior. When doing so, think, “Fake it till you make it.” Practice is the ‘Fake It’ part, until you internalize the new behavior mindset.

In our example, let’s say that you realize your defensive behavior is because your father’s always been hypercritical of you, so you’re constantly on guard expecting criticism. To practice a replacement behavior, try to catch yourself feeling, behaving, or talking in a defensive manner and truth it out–Is this person really saying something that’s critical of me or am I assuming that’s their intent? If it is critical, then listen to them and honestly consider whether what they say is valid.

Additionally, you can write/repeat any mantras and self-messaging that you want to internalize and practice. In our example, that could look like, “Don’t assume that everyone’s on the attack.” To work on any insecurities, maybe something along the lines of, “I’m worthy” or “I’m doing fine.” If you deflect any criticism, perhaps “Listen instead of deflect.” An appropriate mantra will depend on what the motivation behind the behavior is.

By knowing any personal foibles, you can be on the lookout for them, catch yourself in real time, and practice the replacement behavior. This practice will help you put the best version of yourself out there, which will make you feel more confident and help you attract better matches. If you’re already mindful of doing the work to be the most evolved version of yourself at any point in time, then well done!

Now, let’s consider what you’ve learned about behaviors of former romantic partners…

Pay Attention: Be on the Lookout for Potential Mistakes

People are always giving us information through their words and behavior. It’s our job to pay attention to this information so that we can see them for who they are. There are probably some behaviors of former romantic partners that you found problematic. Keeping in mind that we’re all imperfect, determine what behaviors you can live with and which are dealbreakers.

Red Flags: Avoiding Problematic Partners

Once you’ve identified behaviors of former partners that were problematic for you, be on the lookout for those behaviors with potential matches. For instance, when my ex and I disagreed about something, he was frequently condescending and dismissive of my point of view, devaluing me. As a result, I’ve developed a very acute radar for when a man mistreats or behaves in a disrespectful manner to me.

Last year, I went on a date with P and on another date with R. There were a lot of things I liked about both of them, however, on each date I recognized condescending behaviors on their part.

P had a tendency to mansplain. R’s problematic behaviors were twofold–he made assumptions about me rather than listening to me and he was very aggressive about his point of view. P’s approach was gentler, but it was still condescending.

The thing is, while I recognized their behaviors for what they were, it still took me some time to process the dynamics of our interactions. I went into both dates hopeful, but I had some misgivings on the dates themselves that gave me pause. When you have misgivings or pause about an interaction, a behavior, or a relationship dynamic, pay attention–that’s a red flag that you are raising and waving at yourself.

Heed the flag and examine the behavior that you noticed. I liked both men enough that their behavior was unexpected and caught me off-guard. Despite hours on the phone, I hadn’t experienced either the condescension or verbal aggressiveness prior to meeting them. They were showing me who they are, but it was a side of them I hadn’t witnessed before.

I had to remember where I’d been and the lessons that I’d already learned and knew so well, then apply that knowledge to the current situation. It wasn’t an immediate recognition of the behavior with neon lights screaming at me, “NO GO!” Rather, it was a confusion, a subtle wondering, “Why are you treating me this way?” It was a not liking how it felt, then a further examination of my misgivings. Pay attention to those disquieting moments; they’re tells.

Green Lights: Watch for Good Signals

On the flipside, while you’re on the lookout for any problem behaviors, also pay attention and notice any attractive behaviors. Do they treat you well? Are they affirming of who you are? Do you feel seen and heard? Are you at ease with them? These are signs of someone who could potentially be a good partner.

Further, if you recognize attractive and positive behaviors, share that with the person–affirm their positive behavior and make them feel appreciated. Feeding the connection with positive reinforcement will nurture the connection and feel good for both of you. Kindness feels good, whether you’re on the giving or receiving end. And if the chemistry is good, positive affirmation can also provide some momentum to the connection.

All Systems Go: No Serious Mistakes Detected

We all have histories. To be ready for right relationship, we need to learn and evolve from our histories rather than let the baggage from our history burden us and the potential of future relationships. And, we deserve romantic partners who do the same.

If you’re actively engaged in being the most evolved version of yourself that you can be and you don’t see any behaviors that are red flags or dealbreakers from your potential partner, then have fun exploring and enjoying the connection for whatever it can be!

Final Thoughts

We are our histories, but we can use our histories productively, learning from our relationship mistakes rather than being limited by them. With an awareness of our histories and an eye on where we are, we’re empowered to live better, make better choices, and have better relationship(s). Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Photographs