Month: May 2024

Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

/ blackbirddiaryblog

As a longtime subscriber to Match, I’ve noticed over the years that the most neglected part of profiles is the Summary. While it can be intimidating to write about yourself, this is a core part of your profile, and it’s your best opportunity to showcase your personality. This is the part of your profile where potential matches can really get a sense of who you are and if they might be interested.

Myself, when a man neglects this part of his profile, I move on. I want a man who has something to say, not one who struggles to find words. Don’t allow good potential matches to pass you by because you haven’t adequately addressed this part of your profile.

Think of your profile as your dating resume. Just as a resume represents who you are to a potential employer, your profile represents yourself to a potential mate. You want to stand out from the crowd, draw the right connection(s) in, and grab their interest– the Summary is the part of your profile where you can most effectively achieve this.

In the next few posts, I’ll guide you through some Dos and Don’ts of the Summary, as well as provide tips in how to craft Your Summary.

Don’t: Say You Don’t Know What to Write

…even if that’s how you feel, and it’s okay to feel that way. Your Summary is where you say something about yourself, saying that you don’t know what to say may be genuine, but it also reads as insecure. This is your first impression, maximize it. Think of your dating profile as a resume, a medium to show who you are, not a place to advertise your insecurities.

Do: Say Something

I continue to be surprised by how many profiles neglect to say anything at all, relying only on photos and stats to connect. This presents as apathetic–not an effective way to market yourself. If you want good results, you need to advertise yourself, giving potential matches a sense of who you are and what you’re looking for.

Alternately, I’ve seen profiles where the Summary space was filled with symbols and emojis in an attempt to use up characters. That’s gibberish and possibly worse than saying nothing at all. Think of the dating platform as a party where you have the opportunity to meet and interact with different people. Would you rather stand next to someone who’s silent at a party or someone who’s speaking in tongues? Myself, I’d walk across the room and find some different company altogether.

To follow the party analogy, use Your Summary to introduce yourself. Imagine that you see someone at a party that you’re interested in meeting. How would you present yourself? If you don’t find your words, you miss your opportunity. Your Summary is your chance to find your words, introduce yourself, and attract potential matches.

In a future post, I’ll provide tips for writing Your Summary. For now, if you’re unsure where to start, begin with a short paragraph about the things/people/values/activities/places that are most important to you. Or you can tell about one something in more depth. Or you can tell a story about yourself. Imagine yourself at that party talking to a potential match.

Don’t: USE ALL CAPS

WHEN I SEE A SUMMARY WITH ALL CAPS, I THINK, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!”

It’s so much softer to use normal text and a relief to read after extensive CAPS, don’t you think? I can only surmise that the people who use CAPS think it’s attention-grabbing, but really it’s off-putting. Avoid the CAPS lock.

Don’t: Complain

…especially about dating and profiles! By being negative, you risk turning off potential matches. Instead of leading with negative experience and poor taste levels, put your best self forward and articulate the kind of match you’re hoping to find. Should you find your match, you’ll have plenty of time to laugh about all the crazy profiles, characters, and dates you’ve been on before you found each other.

I’ve seen many versions of complaining, but none of them land well. Complaining at me about profiles that I didn’t write and dates that I didn’t go on is like telling me not to do things I haven’t done. It’s annoying. A profile with venting, rants, or a lecture isn’t going to lure anyone in. It doesn’t make a good first impression, and it’s a move that may preclude further interaction. This doesn’t mean your complaints are illegitimate, just that your profile isn’t the place to air your grievances. Complain to friends, family, your therapist, God, or a bartender, but not to the matches you’re trying to attract.

The only work-arounds are a passing comment (rather than a focused commentary) or the effective use of humor. In my own profile, I emphasize the value of authenticity and that being disingenuous is not okay in my world. I’m to the point and leave it at that. As to humor, I’ve seen some profiles that pull off a joke about a dating annoyance, but be careful–if it isn’t effective and potential matches see you as simultaneously complaining AND not-funny, you’ve sunk your boat. If you’re not sure you can pull off a light joke effectively, then don’t attempt. If you can make a light joke or a slight nod to an annoyance, that’s okay, but don’t let your frustrations overtake your profile, because ironically, once you do, you become a profile to complain about.

Dating is hard, and there’s plenty of bullshit that goes along with it. I have my pet peeves and annoyances too, but I don’t put a litany of them in my profile. Don’t let the wrong people take up too much of your energy. There are more wrongs than rights in dating, if there weren’t, it wouldn’t be so hard. Conserve your energy for right connection. Use your profile to attract the kind of person you want to be with, not rant about the people you don’t. You only need one person to be the right connection, don’t risk turning them off because of all the wrongs. The wrongs are actually doing you a favor by showing you they’re unsuitable–they’re saving you time. It’s frustrating that it’s so hard to find right connection, but it’s better than settling for wrong. Find a profile annoying? Just pass it by and move on…

Don’t: Rely on Your Friends to Describe You

In saying this, I contradict Match advice which encourages users to ask friends to describe them. That’s better than saying nothing at all. Match wants its users to have enough success in their dating experience to encourage platform loyalty. Users will generally have more success if they have something written in their Summary than if they don’t, and Match wants to make it as easy as possible for you to have a good experience, including relying on your friends’ input to write your profile.

For someone feeling intimidated and uncomfortable about writing their Summary, asking friends for input is easy and makes a somewhat daunting task more approachable–but it’s also a crutch, a passive move. Myself, when I see a profile where a man has to ask friends to describe himself, I skip on by. I want a man who knows himself and who can articulate who he is. Don’t allow good possibilities to pass you by because you didn’t put the effort into your profile or yourself.

Returning to the party analogy, Your Summary is where you’re introducing yourself. At that party, imagine that you see someone who piques your interest. You could ask a friend to go over with you and help you talk to them, or you could be assertive and go over and introduce yourself. The latter is the stronger and more attractive move. We aren’t in high school anymore.

We’re all grown-ups here, and we’ve all done plenty of living at this point. Hopefully, some self-reflection and self-awareness has come along with that. Self-awareness is an attractive quality. Pour that self-knowledge into your profile rather than relying on others. Remember, your dating profile is akin to your professional resume, and just as you would take your resume and job search seriously, if you’re serious about finding romantic connection, then you need to take your dating profile seriously. 

I want you to successfully find the relationship you seek rather than be perpetually reliant on a dating platform, constantly seeking. To facilitate this, your profile should be as effective as possible, to aid in attracting the right potential matches and to stand out from other profiles–that includes putting yourself out there assertively so potential matches can get a sense of who you are. If this is still an intimidating prospect for you, don’t panic–I’ll have a future post to help guide you in writing Your Summary. You can do this!

Do: Be Authentic

Approach writing Your Summary as representing your true self as authentically as possible in order to find someone who appreciates you for who you are. This is your opportunity to invite potential matches into your world. The more thoroughly you can paint that world, the more inviting it is to the right connection.

Imagine yourself at that party, not just making small talk, not just trying to impress, but finding someone who you really connect with, someone who the more you talk to, the more you want to know–someone who you could talk to for hours. You don’t find that kind of connection without being authentic. By leading with authenticity, you enhance your chance of attracting the right matches and finding deeper connection.

Rather than using your profile as an attempt to impress, use it as an opportunity to make yourself come across on the page, like a well-written character in a book. My favorite profiles are when I can get a sense of the person and their personality. Even if they aren’t right connection for me, such profiles standout and are a pleasure to read, like meeting someone at a party and having a good conversation, even if they aren’t The One.

Final Thoughts

Your Summary is a core part of your profile, and it shouldn’t be neglected. It’s your best opportunity to represent who you are and to attract the kind of potential matches you’re seeking. Make the effort to show who you are and to stand out from the crowd. Introduce yourself and enjoy the party!

If you enjoy my posts and know someone else who might, please spread the word! http://www.blackbirddating.com

Up Next: More Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts–Your Summary

Flip It

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Feeling stuck? Need a new perspective? Unhappy with your situation? I’ve certainly been there. Sometimes it helps to flip your thinking and find a new point-of-view.

Until recently, I visualized my post-divorce life in volumes. This began a few years after my divorce, when I got a moleskine journal and commenced writing my experience down in earnest. At the end of a year, I had the first draft of a memoir manuscript. The thing is, I kept living and evolving beyond where the manuscript left off. If the manuscript itself was Volume 1, what followed must be Volume 2, and so on…each time I molted and shifted to a new theme or experience, I moved on to a new volume.

Last fall, I felt stuck. Every romance I’d had in the past couple of years had blown up in my face one way or another, and though I was pushing at my life both professionally and geographically, my life wasn’t expanding as fully as I wanted. I needed to change things up and flip my perspective. I needed to shift from feeling stuck to feeling the hope of possibility. One day, frustrated with Volume 4, I arbitrarily declared it to be Volume 5.

In reflection, I was able to denote the transition to more than just my mental need for a shift–my eldest had left for college in Boston and my youngest had graduated from high school. They were transitioning into adulthood and, by default, my life was transitioning too. What themes for this new phase? I determined the need to Liberate myself from feeling stuck; I wanted to Manifest at a different level; and I wanted it to be on My Terms, to feel like I had more control in my life than I was feeling at the time.

A few days into my attempt to get into a better headspace, I became the recipient of the obsessive attentions of an electronic stalker. This didn’t help my headspace. I was annoyed and concerned by this development, but also frustrated that just as I was setting out to find a better mindset, the Universe seemed determined to foil me in that attempt.

Despite this setback to my attempt at manifesting something better, I handled the situation well. A weekend that began in Fear, ended in Anger. I determined to give the situation as much attention as necessary and as little as possible. I wasn’t going to give the creep power over me or control over my experience. I relegated him to the margins. I filed a case with the police and had him ticketed. Fortunately, he desisted, and that was the end of it.

Though the stalker was an unwelcome intrusion into my life, nevertheless, I embodied the themes I was striving for–I Liberated myself from him; I Manifested Strength not Fear; I handled the situation on My Terms, not giving it or him power over my experience. Essentially, I flipped the situation from an experience that was happening to me to a situation that I was taking control of. Both are truths, but rather than allow a man uninvited into my life to control my experience, I flipped it and showed him the door, the police serving as my bouncers. It would have been easy to have let Fear control my experience, but I chose Anger. Anger is a more empowering stance, and my anger was certainly justified.

Flipping It is about finding a new point of view and a different approach. It’s about shifting perspective and thinking more expansively. Flipping It is an active, not a passive move. It’s not static, nor the status quo. Rather,Flipping it invites personal growth, evolution, and possibility.

When I shifted from Volume 4 to 5, I was feeling stuck and trying to flip my perspective to a better place. When the stalker intruded into my experience, I flipped the scenario by choosing to interact with the experience on My Terms rather than just let it be something that happened to me. A few months ago, I flipped my vision again, determining that I no longer wanted to be bound by living my life in volumes. Going forward, I choose to live beyond volumes, unbound.

A coin has two sides. We can choose to look passively at just one side of the coin, and that is a reality–but it isn’t the full reality. If we actively flip the coin, we find a completely different side and a more complete reality. Flipping it is looking for the more expansive truth, the fuller picture.

Are there places in your life where you are feeling stuck or unsatisfied? Consider how you might flip your thinking and reenvision the siutation. This can be applied to your experiences in dating and relationship, as well as other realms of your life.

If you’re sad a potential match didn’t call or message you back, it’s okay to be disappointed, but flip that scenario–you deserve someone who does call and message you. Own that. Refrain from giving the person who doesn’t show up for you more power over your experience than they deserve.

Recently, my ex’s widow sent me a vitriolic email. I could’ve engaged with her gripes and accusations, but there’s no reasoning with irrational people. She was lashing out and looking for a fight. I responded that if she wanted to discuss something with me, then she needed to behave in a more dignified manner. She was unable to do that, so I blocked her. She created drama; I cut her out of my no-drama universe. She wanted power over me; I undercut her power. She couldn’t treat me with respect; she’ll no longer have the opportunity to interact with me. She couldn’t abide by My Terms, so I Liberated myself from her, Manifesting with a grace and dignity that she lacked.

I used to work with a woman who was belligerent at times. I didn’t tolerate her belligerence, nor did I yield to her aggressiveness. With time, she came to like me because she respected me. And with that, she became more pleasant to be around altogether. I didn’t accept her terms of interaction, but created My Terms of interaction, reframing what the nature of our relationship would be.

In the past two examples, people were behaving badly. Rude comments and mean behavior says more about the person behaving that way than it says about the person that behavior targets. If someone mistreats you, it’s natural to feel hurt, but if you flip that coin, you deserve to be treated well. Bullies like power and will take as much as we give them. Better to undercut them, taking away their fuel.

Years ago, I went out with a man who told me in detail all of the things that he wanted and deserved as a 52 year-old divorced man. As he rambled on, I kept thinking, “What about what I want?” He never asked. My wants and needs were the other side of the coin which he never bothered to consider. That was not a scenario which was sustainable from a relationship point-of-view. In a healthy relationship, partners consider and honor their partner’s feelings as well as their own.

That goes for your self-relationship as well. Do you treat yourself with kindness? Or have you participated in negative self-talk? In the past, I was prone to this, beating myself up about both my appearance (i.e., I wish I had bigger boobs.) and my behavior (i.e., Why did I do that?). Negative self-messaging doesn’t help get yourself to better, rather it makes you feel worse, helpless, and doomed to that reality. Ultimately, I had to flip that line of thinking to feel better and to be better. I had to find my beauty and trust that at any given moment I was doing my best to be my best self. If negative self-talk and poor self-image is a problem for you, try flipping negative self-talk into a positive mantra.

My self-confidence is not an innate quality but a hard-won right. I’ve been in toxic relationships in the past, including an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage. I knew I deserved better, and yet I devalued myself by over-staying in those relationships. When I began writing mantras for myself about how I want to manifest and who I want to be, an early one was simply, “I am worthy.” It’s a truth I knew, but wasn’t manifesting. I hadn’t internalized that message. It was in my head, but hadn’t yet made it into my heart.

A mantra is a way to fake it until you make it. Faking it is simply practicing the skill; Making it is the mastery of the skill. With time, I mastered the skill of self-worth through the mantra of reminding myself that I am worthy. That mantra has since been retired, because I no longer need it–I’m manifesting it. What negative self-talk do you need to flip? How can you turn that into a positive mantra?

A colleague of mine recently told me the story of a discouraging interaction with one of our coworkers who she’d worked with in another building. In both buildings, they’ve been on the same team. My colleague complained of feeling “stuck” with this coworker and asked herself, “What do I need to learn?” She was trying to reframe the situation in a productive way. This is an evolved perspective, and I told my colleague as much, but I also further expanded her reframing, offering that maybe it’s our coworker that has something to learn from her. My colleague isn’t the problem, and it’s not her work to do, even though she’s willing to do it.

What isn’t working for you in your life? How can you flip your thinking to get a fresh perspective? Flipping it is about expanding your perspective and cognitive flexibility. A more expansive persepective likewise expands your possible experience. By expanding your vision, you empower yourself to move beyond where you are now. Conversely, by limiting our perspective we limit our possibility.

After Isaac dumped me the first time, I bought that moleskine journal. I took a disappointing situation and tried to make something productive come from it. The journey that began with the moleskine includes writing a manuscript; winning third place in the memoir/personal essay category of the Writer’s Digest 88th Annual Writing Competition; attending a SLICE literary contest; meeting Nicole Krauss, my favorite contemporary novelist; and ultimately, this blog.

Isaac was the first man who taught me what I wanted in a man, rather than what I didn’t. The second time he dumped me, I wondered where to find another man like him–intellectual, cultured, charismatic witty, cosmopolitan, confident, compelling. I realized that the man was likely not in Lincoln, nor even Nebraska. That’s when I expanded my vision and began dating long distance. I still am, because it’s allowed me to date the rare kind of man who compels me. If you’re unhappy with your dating situation or relationship, how can you Flip It and broaden your vision and possibilities?

Flipping It isn’t a skill limited to dating and relationships. You can Flip and upend a myriad of things:

  • Situations
  • Relationships
  • Ideas
  • Mindsets
  • Dynamics
  • Power Structures
  • Clichés

Clichés embody limited thinking. They’re unoriginal because they’ve been repeated over and over. Repetition doesn’t by default denote truth or wisdom. A frequent cliché on Match is, “I’m a glass half full person.” While a good attitude is a nice quality, it misses a lot of lived experience that deserves to be acknowledged. If a glass is half full, it’s simultaneously half empty. They’re mutual truths. To focus on one part of the glass is to miss the full reality. And is the glass really eternally half full/empty? Sometimes it may overflow and at other times be empty. Have you considered what liquid is in the glass? Or if the glass might be filled with sand? Or, as Isaac once posed, “What glass?”

Have you ever worried about being left out or missing out? I remember that feeling. FOMO, the fear of missing out, is an externally-centered concern about what other people are doing. Flipping it, would be shifting that to an internal focus, a self-awareness of what you enjoy doing, who you want to be, and exploring that. After all, you are the party. You get to determine what kind of party it is and who’s invited. Try to focus on your party, not whether or not you’re invited to someone else’s. You get to plan the party. Are you ready to start planning?

If you’re feeling stuck or dissatisfied, expand your vision, pushing at limits you may have accepted unknowingly. Maybe those limits aren’t there at all, or maybe you can push the boundary a little farther out. Explore flipping your thinking, questioning assumptions, looking for new perspective to find new possibilities, and with that, empowerment.

Flipping it begins by recognizing what your limits of perception are, then questioning and upending those limits. Instead of asking yourself why, ask Why not? Instead of passively accepting that shit happens, assertively turn that into Make shit happen. And then, do your best to make it so!

Final Thoughts

If you’re feeling stuck or dissatisfied with some realm of your life, try expanding your vision. Take a bird’s eye view to try and see things in a new way and find new possibilities. What do you want to liberate yourself from? What terms do you want to live by? How do you want to manifest? What part of your life do you want to live more expansively? Imagine…and good luck out there!

Up Next: Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts–Your Summary