Lesson: A Healthy Relationship is a Balanced Equation
“…the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less…but power isn’t happiness, and I think that maybe happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less.”—Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Lesson Learned:
Always a Lover, I’ve striven to put love into the Universe, hoping to receive love in turn—generally, platonically, romantically. To some degree, this has worked for me. I love and am beloved by many. In this, I’m blessed. But you can’t be friends or lovers with just anyone. Life and love are more complicated than that. People are more complicated than that.
When I’m in a romantic relationship, I put in the time, energy, and effort to help it be a successful loving partnership. Not everyone is willing and capable of doing that. Keeping a relationship healthy and balanced requires choosing/having a partner (or friend) who is willing and capable of likewise putting in time, energy, and effort. How that time, energy, and effort look and how much is desired will look different in different relationships. Some people and partnerships will desire more and others will require less, but if the dynamic is too out of balance, at least one of the individuals will likely be unsatisfied.
My marriage was lopsided. Ours vows were, “I will do my best by you,” but if my ex gave his best (I suspect he didn’t), it wasn’t good enough. Aware that I was willing to do the work of relationship and valued being in good relationship, he let me carry the weight of the relationship work, not caring about me enough to bother.
If he ever loved me, he didn’t show it. No matter how much work I put into the relationship, it was never enough. I was never enough. If we disagreed, by default, I was wrong and foolish. If my feelings were hurt, somehow it was my fault. On our anniversary he routinely took me out for dinner, then he’d pick a fight with me. I’d committed myself to living in an inequality. By staying, I allowed myself to be devalued. When we got to a crisis point in our marriage, the reasons for leaving far outweighed the reasons to stay. Leaving, I finally realized my worth. I finally had the power in the relationship, but I still didn’t have love.
I came out of my marriage feeling like I’d settled, that I deserved better, but also questioning and doubting myself and my value. After all, I’d had ten years of training, hadn’t I got the message? Yet I couldn’t help thinking that I was worth loving. Could I find the kind of love that I believed in? I was hopeful, but unsure.
When I started dating, it was a world of inequalities. Sometimes I was the greater quantity—the men who couldn’t keep up with me; the nice guys and not-so-nice guys who bored me; the one-date wonders. Other times, it was the men who had the power—the few men who I did want to get to know better, to explore possibility with—the men who I wanted, but for one reason or another didn’t want me. It’s a hard thing to want to be wanted.
Then I met Stanley, a good man: smart, kind, funny, fun. A man able to both forgive and apologize (my ex couldn’t). A man whose modus operandi is to make people happy and solve people’s problems. He was good company and we were compatible. He loved me and treated me well—most of the time.
The problem: he had a codependent relationship with his ex, who held an unhealthy sway over him. As Princess Diana said of her marriage,”…it was a bit crowded.” It was an improvement over verbal and emotional abuse, but I still didn’t like how I felt in the relationship and it never made sense to me. It was still an inequality, and though I cared for Stanley, I didn’t like the way the relationship felt. For four years, I tried to make it work, but most of the compromising fell to me. Ultimately, I left, because I deserve(d) better. That’s when I got the power in the relationship, but I still didn’t have love.
I’m still single, still looking for my equation, but since Stanley, I’ve failed up and better in my search. I’ve dated some wonderful and accomplished men. Men who’ve been stimulating company and treated me well. I’ve even loved. The power balance has been better, even though my relationship equation hasn’t fully manifested. But, at this point, I won’t settle for less than my full worth.
Despite my relationships failings, I’ve learned quite a lot about balancing relationship equations. It takes finding/having a partner who will do their share of the balancing. Though it should go without saying, I’ll say it: a healthy relationship requires good communication, caring, and empathy. I’ve learned to be honest about my feelings and insecurities, something that hasn’t always felt safe in my relationships.
Even with the right person, the right relationship won’t always be in balance. Sometimes there are tricky issues to negotiate. Sometimes one partner needs more than another or has less to give. Life happens—health issues, job losses, insert-crisis-here. The other partner might need to carry the weight for a while. You do that out of love.
Love is a gift that you give, not something to be taken. In a healthy relationship, both partners will put the effort in to give as they are able and ideally, over time, the equation is balanced. I’ve borne witness to this kind of love. I believe in this kind of love, even though it hasn’t been mine to have. It’s a beautiful thing, two people working in concert to love each other rightly and do well by each other, not taking each other for granted. I would like to have that some day.
Will I find that kind of love in this lifetime? I don’t know. But I know that I can’t have right relationship with a wrong person. I know that I cannot expect to receive that kind of love unless I am capable of giving it. I don’t want power over a man, and I won’t give my power away again. I don’t want power; I want love. To that end, I continue to try and manifest a healthy loving presence in the Universe.