The Summary is a core part of your dating profile and too often neglected by dating platform users. Don’t make this common mistake. Your Summary is your best opportunity to showcase who you are and what you’re looking for. It’s your best chance to stand out from other profiles and draw in the right potential matches. If you’re serious about finding right connection, then you need to take your dating profile seriously, using all the tools at your disposal to help you achieve your desired outcome, including writing an effective Summary. If the idea of writing a Summary is intimidating to you, don’t worry–I’m here to help you with that!
Your dating profile is akin to a professional resume; it should be both an honest and favorable representation of yourself. Much like a job search, with dating you’re looking for a right fit. In appraoaching writing Your Summary, envision the dating platform as a social event, a party, or a romantic networking opportunity. Keep these frameworks in mind as we go forward, using them to help guide you in how you represent and write about yourself to potential matches, with an emphasis on being authentic and your best you.
Don’t: Tell Potential Matches Who They Are or Should Be
This is a common profile blunder. It’s a clumsy attempt at explaining the type of potential match a user is looking for. While it has the immediacy of seeming to talk directly to potential matches by saying, “You are..,” it’s also presumptuous from the standpoint of telling an individual who they’re supposed to be, with the implication that if they aren’t that, they’re somehow wrong.
You have a lot of potential matches looking at your profile, don’t incidentally alienate them because you’re painting a picture of what they’re supposed to live up to. Just because, “You are,” is a common profile practice, doesn’t make it best practice. Let me show you a better way…
Do: Say Who and What You’re Looking For
Instead of telling potential matches who they are, straightforwardly say the kind of match you’re looking for. Don’t make it an exhaustive list of a fantasy-mate that strays into “You are” territory, instead, name important qualities that you’re attracted to and hope to find in a match. This is the Who of what you’re looking for.
My own profile mentions that I’m looking for an intellectual man who can make me laugh, that I pair well with artistic types and alphas, and that I have a pattern of attraction for men of Mediterranean descent. I begin with the non-negotiables (intellect and humor), then mention some qualities that I find attractive but are non-essential.
We all have certain qualities that we’re attracted to. Figure out what qualities are most essential for you and name them–keep this list small. If you have some other qualities that are desirable or attractive, name them too, but frame them as non-essentials. The longer your list of must-haves and wants gets, the narrower the pool of possibilities, the less potential matches will be able to see themselves, and the more you limit your own experience by not being open to the beauty of exploring the niches of an individual. Try to be clear on the important aspects of who you’re looking for while maintaining an openness to the possibility of learning a new individual. You might be pleasantly surprised by who you find!
Years ago, one of the key things that drew me to Stanley’s profile was that after telling about himself, he posed the question, “And what about you?” It made me feel like he really wanted to get to know me, rather than telling me who I was supposed to be. Stanley and I went on to date for four years.
Consider how you can invite the possibility of the individual in your own profile. Ask potential matches who they are, rather than tell them who they should be. Let them feel like you want to get to know them, not that they need to measure up to certain criteria. Remember the party analogy? You wouldn’t walk up to someone at a party and tell them who they should be, you’d ask about them. So, try posing a question…
- What do you like to do?
- Does that sound like you?
- Where would you like to go?
- What should we do for our first date?
- Shall we meet for coffee? A drink? Dinner?
…or, simply state as part of Your Summary, “”Now that I’ve introduced myself,” or “Enough about me“,…
- I want to get to know you.
- I want to learn about you.
- Tell me about you(rself).
It’s also a good idea to be clear on the What of what you’re looking for. Match has a place in the Stats where you can state your Dating Intention, but it’s good to clarify for potential matches What you’re looking for in relationship as this is an area where it will be important to be on the same page. If you know what you want, whether it be a serious relationship or casual dating, be clear about that. If you’re not sure what you want yet, that’s okay, state that. You might have great chemistry with someone, but if you don’t want the same thing from relationship, that sets one or both of you up for disappointment. Information is good. It allows for people to make informed decisions. If someone wants something vastly different from you relationship-wise, you’re giving them the information they need to see that you aren’t in the same place.
Don’t: Be Gimmicky
Don’t be so desperate to stand out from other profiles that you go gimmicky. Stand out for who you are, not the gimmick you use. Gimmicks tend to come off as contrived. For example…
- The guy who wrote a list of things he isn’t instead of focusing on who he is.
- Pretend reviews, such as “One helluva guy,” KC Star...please show me or tell me why you’re a great guy instead of relying on a fictional review.
It’s okay to get creative with your profile, but in doing so, beware the gimmick. Instead, strive for authenticity and to be your best you. You are enough. You don’t need to hide behind a gimmick.
Don’t: Be Disingenuous
Don’t grossly misrepresent yourself in an attempt at humor. This is not only ineffective, but also comes off as both false and unfunny–not how you want to present yourself to potential matches. A few examples I’ve seen:
- “JUST RELEASED FROM PRISON“–As a joke, not funny. If not a joke, even more problematic. And yes, he used the CAPS lock, really emphasizing his point. Not a good way to get attention.
- “not very good with money…I need yours and your kids [sic] piggy bank. Currently living under an overpass…My parents won’t even let me move back…”–That was as much as was visible to read without actually clicking on his profile. Needless to say (but I’ll say it), I didn’t click to read further.
- “Me: 16 kids (that I know of) by 5-6 baby mamas, gov. check clears by the 1st, double wide that only leaks when it rains, and good conduct voucher by my parole officer…” This was followed by one surprise and four crying/laughing emojis. He apparently thought he was hilarious. Did you think so? I didn’t.
Their attempts at humor were not only unsuccessful at drawing positive attention, but actively a turn off–the opposite of what they were presumably trying to accomplish. Better to not try humor at all than be unfunny. Don’t pretend to be something or someone you’re not, even in jest. Just be yourself. You are enough.
Do: Proofreed
Did it bother you that I misspelled proofread? If so, that’s exactly my point. Every potential match isn’t going to be an English major, but remember to consider your dating profile akin to a professional resume–take it seriously and represent yourself well. You don’t want misspellings and grammatical errors to be the thing that potential matches notice about your profile. Proofreading doesn’t take much time and there are tools that can help you. You (and your match!) are worth the effort.
Don’t: Use Quotes From Other People
…or if you do, choose ONE that really resonates with you, and explain why. I’ve been reading the book Wanderlust: A History of Walking by Rebecca Solnit which has a tickertape ribbon of quotes about walking running along the bottom of each page, one page into the next. Eventually, I abandoned reading the quotes altogether as I found they distracted from the content of the book, versus a book which leads each chapter with a single focused quote to set the tone.
Don’t distract potential matches from the content of your profile (YOU!) with a series of quotes written by other people. Your profile should be about you, using your words, not hiding behind someone else’s. Using someone else’s words instead of your own is a passive move, not an assertive one. Remember to think of the dating platform as a party–you aren’t going to go up to someone at the party and start quoting a bunch of other people, you’d find your own words. Do the same with your profile. Think about how you’d introduce yourself at that party and use that as a starting point. You can do this!
Do: Tell Any Non-Negotiables and Truths
Be upfront and honest about your truths, the places where you’re inflexible. This saves both you and potential matches time, and it spares hurt feelings down the road if you’re incompatible.
I’ve seen men disclose all kinds of truths on their profiles:
- Faith (i.e., “I’m looking for a Christian woman.”)
- Sexual Proclivities (i.e., the subtle, “I like to be in charge, if you take my meaning.“)
- Disease (i.e., herpes, MS, cancer)
- Disability (i.e., paralysis)
- Unwillingness to date long-distance
- Dating Intention (i.e., LTR, hoping to (re)marry, not looking for anything serious)
- No Rodeo Girls (a guy in Montana that wasn’t feeling it with the rodeo girls)
- Politics (i.e., No Trumpers)
- Children at home (i.e., a man in his sixties raising a young child)
I always appreciate it when a man is honest about his truths. It allows me to discern whether his truth is something that’s incompatible with my own truths or something that’s workable and/or a point of compatibility. As someone who dates long distance, if a man is clear that he isn’t willing to go the distance, I know to move on.
Years ago, I saw a profile of a man who disclosed that he had herpes in his profile. I thought his openness about it was a brave move. It was his truth and he was forthcoming about it. It’s a conversation that he would have to have with any serious potential matches, and he chose to be upfront about it. By doing so, he could be assured that anyone who did contact him found his truth manageable and was genuinely interested. No surprises on either end.
You don’t need to share all your truths, but consider what truths are non-negotiable, what you feel comfortable sharing, and what is important enough to save both you and potential matches time in discerning your compatibility or lack thereof. In doing so, make sure to say your truth(s) with kindness, not as if it is a failing if someone doesn’t match with your truth.
Final Thoughts
If you want matches to take your profile seriously, then you need to take it seriously as well. That isn’t to say your profile should be humorless, just that it should be given thoughtful consideration. Like your professional resume, it’s how you get your foot in the door and maximize opportunity. This is your first (and possibly last) impression. Make it count by putting your best authentic self out there!
If the idea of writing Your Summary is still an intimidating prospect, don’t worry! In a future post, I’ll guide you through how to craft Your Summary. Meanwhile, Good luck out there!
The original post in this series: Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary