If you’ve spent any time on a dating app, you’ve likely come across some of the dishonesty, lies, and deception that abound in online dating–the outdated photos, the disingenuous age, the “I’ll tell you later” sidestep, the photo filters, etc. While deception is commonplace, that doesn’t make it acceptable. Likewise, just because a lot of people are doing something, doesn’t make it a good rationale for engaging in the same behavior. Be better.

Don’t: Deceptive Photos

One common deceit in online profiles is misleading photos or not providing a clear idea of one’s appearance. DW told me the story of a woman who had a pretty face in her online profile but when he met her in person, he was surprised that she was solidly in the plus-size category. While there’s nothing wrong with being a plus-size, being deceptive about it is problematic. Deception of any kind is weak footing to start a relationship with.

When I’m looking at profiles, I expect multiple photos across place and time so that I can get a clear idea of what a man looks like and whether or not I find him attractive. If I can’t get a clear idea of what a man looks like from a photo, both close-up and body type, then I won’t go any further. Not being able to clearly discern what a person looks like is an indication that they are either too lazy to put the effort into their profile or that they’re intentionally being evasive about something.

Earlier today, I came across a profile with some clearly outdated photos about which the man wrote, “You may be wondering about the photos. They’re for weeding out the superficial.” Well, his tactic is probably weeding out most women. When dating, it’s not an unreasonable expectation to have a clear idea of what someone looks like. So what’s he really hiding?

When looking at profiles beware of: blurry photos, outdated photos, I-can’t-tell-what-you-look-like photos, photos with filters, and zero or single photo profiles. Likewise, be intentional about avoiding them in your own profile.

Do: Provide Clear and Flattering Photos that Represent Yourself Honestly

A dating profile is your personal advertisement, giving information about a product (you), in an attempt to reach your target audience. Your target audience is the potential matches who find you attractive for who you are (And who you find attractive too!). Different people are attracted to different looks and different body types. Put your best self out there, but be honest, so you can find someone who appreciates you for who you are.

If you’re honest about your appearance, then potential matches won’t be disappointed (like DW was with his surprise plus-size date), and you won’t feel inadequate (You aren’t, so don’t set yourself up for feeling that way.). Rather, your dates will be looking forward to meeting the real you. And isn’t that what we all want, to be wanted and appreciated for who we are?

Don’t: Lie About Your Age

Deception of any kind is a weak footing to start a relationship with–that’s important enough that it’s worth restating. Unfortunately, misrepresentations of age are profuse in online dating. I can easily tell from photos when a man is lying about his age, and I routinely call out, “Liar,” as I pass on such profiles (and that’s what I say when I’m feeling polite).

There are, of course, the profiles where they’ve reconsidered and try to come clean. These profiles come with an apologetic statement about how they’re unable to change their age in the settings, so they’re being honest in their bio. While this is a step in the right direction, the initial deception is egregious enough that my advice to a client would be to start over with an entirely new profile. Begin from a place of authenticity, even if that means starting anew.

I’ve even seen a profile where a man came clean about his age, but rationalized his deception, “…so as not to be excluded from your search.” That one really pissed me off. I get to decide my dating parameters, not some bozo (There I am, being polite again.). It’s an illegitimate excuse. All of these lies about age skew the culture of the app toward lying and searching ever-younger to find someone who’s actually in the age bracket you’re willing to date in. Lies abound and fewer people actually look like the age their profile claims. Maybe at 52, this is why I still occasionally get carded for buying alcohol?

Wouldn’t it be better if people were honest with no age-shame? As members of the dating app community, we get to determine what our contribution to the culture of our community will be and what communal values we want to reinforce. Wouldn’t it be nice to elevate authenticity as a value?

Do: Own Your Age, Don’t Let it Own You

Take care of yourself and feel better about yourself. Don’t settle, and don’t give up on yourself. Make the effort to put your best you out there and look your best. We’re all getting older; own your age with confidence and wear it well. You’re worth it, so claim it!

Don’t: Be Evasive About Information

The information in the “About” section of a dating app is typically legitimate information to know in order to gauge if someone might make a good potential match. On Match, if you don’t provide this information, it says, “I’ll tell you later.” My response is generally, “No, you won’t.” The “About” section is your chance to tell. If you don’t tell, you might not get a chance to tell at all. By withholding legitmate information, you risk turning potential matches away or off. No bueno.

Two important pieces of information to me are relationship status and education level. While I’m open to most statuses, I won’t date someone who’s separated. I want to be with someone who has both emotional and legal distance from their last relationship. If someone’s relationship status says, “I’ll tell you later,” to me that signals that it’s complicated and/or they aren’t divorced, situations that I don’t want to get anywhere near.

As someone with an intellectual bent (Heads-up, I read Shakespeare for pleasure!), I date men with graduate or postdoctoral degrees, men who have similar intellectual inclinations. If I see “I’ll tell you later,” under a man’s education, it probably means that he doesn’t have an advanced degree. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it does mean that he’s probably not for me. We all have the right to set our own dating parameters, including education level. Being evasive about education level comes across as apologetic and embarrassed/ashamed. Lack of higher education doesn’t require an apology, nor is it shameful. There’s no shame in being who you are (as long as you aren’t actively an asshole). Be honest to attract the right kind of potential matches for you and people who appreciate you for who you are.

Additionally, be wary of profiles that offer little real information, particularly if the profile has only one photograph of an exceptionally attractive individual–be rightfully suspicious; it’s probably a lure. Information is good. It can help you make informed decisions.

Do: Provide Honest and Relevant Information

You don’t need to get the nitty-gritty details of your life, but your dating profile is your chance to put your best authentic self out there and find a good potential match. Think of your profile as your dating resume. The more information you provide, the more it allows potential matches to get a sense of who you are. This is no time to be coy, if you’re serious about finding romantic connection, then you need to take your dating profile seriously. Put your authentic self out there without shame. You’re worth that.

Don’t: Try to be Someone You Aren’t

On my dating profile, it mentions that I pair well with alphas. Alphas have an innate strength that can match my strong female energy without being threatened by it. Some people misunderstand the term thinking it simply means someone who’s aggressive and bossy. An admirer of mine once made this mistake and tried to bend himself to be the person he thought I was looking for. Well, that didn’t work.

Rather than maturely accepting that I wasn’t interested, this admirer looked for a work-around. We all get to set our own dating parameters and determine who we’re interested in. And we’ll all likely face some disappointment in the pursuit of love and relationship; I certainly have. But ultimately, we deserve to be loved for who we authentically are. Pretending to be other than you are is suggesting that somehow you aren’t already enough. You are enough.

Do: Be Honest with Yourself and Others About Your Truths

I’ve dated men with a strong self-awareness and men who lacked it. I appreciate and respect a man who knows himself and is honest about his truth, even when his truth isn’t what I might hope for.

Isaac was honest about his truths with me from the beginning, truths that set a limitation on what we could be. Yet, despite those limitations, twelve years later, our relationship has grown and expanded–an irony which couldn’t have happened if I hadn’t accepted him for his authentic self.

David promised me a life together. Then, he panicked (ironic in an alpha), leaving me devastated. I don’t believe his promise was a deception, but rather a lack of fully recognizing his own limitations. He still pops in and out of my life, but he’s exhausted any emotional trust–I’m now aware of his truth.

Some of the truths that I’ve been privy to: relationship/emotional limitations, physcial truths (i.e., disease, disability, etc.), sexual proclivities, living arrangements, and geographic limitations. There are plenty of other truths: a strong faith or lack thereof, politics, personality/character traits, etc. Truths are the areas where we have strong inclinations or realities that are inflexible. These are our places where someone must accept us as we are. What are your truths?

At this stage in our lives, we should have a fairly solid sense of who we are. If you don’t, then that’s an area worth devoting some time to; it will empower you going forward. Know your truths and be honest about them. This honesty will help you find better potential partners, and demonstrates consideration for the potential matches you meet. Honesty is the foundation of trust, and trust is an important foundation for relationship.

Final Thoughts:

We don’t create the algorithm, but we contribute to the community and the culture of online dating. We get to determine what we bring to the space. There’s grace in honesty and authenticity–let’s embrace that. By being genuine, we make the community and culture better.

If you’re doing your best to be your best you, then that’s enough. You are enough. Put your authentic self out there, so that you can find someone who sees and appreciates the true you. And likewise, be attuned to people who are authentic, and beware of those who aren’t. Be savvy, not blindly trusting, about recognizing other’s authenticiy, or their lack thereof. Trust is a gift that is earned with honest words and actions over time.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Honoring Connection and the Quotidian

For tips on dating profile photos see my series: Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Some Photo Basics; Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: More Photo Tips; and Profile Pictures: Tips on Taking Good Profile Photos.