By their very definition, clichés are a prevalent part of social exchanges. They’ve been overused to the point of triteness, yet people continue to use them–because they’re convenient and familiar. Clichés may even provide a false sense of wisdom to the speaker due to their cultural ubiquitousness, potentially endowing them with a sense of truth or gravitas that often goes unquestioned.
If you don’t already, I encourage you to question clichés.
The Problem with Clichés
Clichés are lazy and unoriginal thinking. They’re stereotypical generalizations and overused sayings that people either say without really thinking about what they’re saying or say because their own thinking is narrow and limited. Clichés are a linguistic crutch that people rely on so they don’t have to strain their brain to express themselves. By relying on clichés, people aren’t exercising their intellect.
I used to work with a woman who was very kind, but she was also a very limited thinker. Her conversation was sprinkled with clichés, and she regularly began a story with, “Long story short…” Well, as a storyteller, if it’s a long-form story, then tell it long! Good storytelling requires proper format. If it’s a long story, by telling it short, you’re leaving out plot development and rushing to the denouement.
Clichés can also be reductive, reducing people to a stereotype. Labels help us understand our world and talk about it. If I say “house,” you can get a picture in your head and understand what I’m referring to. But people are more than labels, and often groups of people are given labels that are steeped in prejudice. When those labels become associated with a group of people long enough, the prejudice becomes entrenched.
Brad’s Friend
Brad told me about a friend of his who thinks women are crazy. Well, that’s certainly a narrow-minded point of view. Of course, there are women who are “crazy” but to assume that of all women is to overgeneralize, stereoptype, and be reductionist. It’s easier for his friend to assume this of all women, because then he doesn’t have to do the work of discernment to distinguish the nuances and subtleties of personality. By doing so, he’s also putting himself above women, a mysoginistic move.
My response to Brad was that obviously that’s not true, but if his friend really thought so based on his experience, then perhaps his friend is drawn to women who are a little crazy. “Crazy” can have a certain energy and excitement about it. I posited to Brad that if his friend wants to be with a woman who isn’t crazy, then he needs to be more discerning in who he chooses to date. Further, it’s easier for Brad’s friend to blame women by stereotyping them, rather than to look to his own behavior and faults.
George Carlin has his own take on the trope: “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
Of course, not all men are stupid. Except maybe the ones who think women are crazy…
Nic
A companion to the crazy woman trope, is the “drama queen” trope. Now, there are certainly dramatic women, but it’s hardly a quality exclusive to women, yet when have you ever heard a man referred to as a “drama king”?
Personally, I despise drama. Enough so, that I mention it in my dating profile. There was a time when I played the role of social diplomat, but eventually I tired of having to negotiate everyone else’s drama. Now, rather than tiptoe around or try to rationalize with drama, I call drama out. In my relationship history, the men who I’ve been involved with were the primary source of any drama.
Nic lives in New Hampshire. We connected during the pandemic. A few days after connecting he said, “Marry me,” and talked about buying an RV to safely come visit me (money not being an issue for him). I suggested we take more time to get to know each other first.
Months later, with the pandemic continuing to rage, we still hadn’t got together. I floated the idea that we both drive, meet midway, and stay at an Airbnb in the countryside. He, as a doctor, didn’t think that was safe, and instead of simply stating his point of view, he attacked me with a misogynist label, calling me “crazy” for even floating such an idea.
When I said that my idea was perfectly rational, even if he didn’t agree with it, he replied, “Drama, drama, drama…,” which, ironically, was more dramatic than anything I said during our discussion. Furthering the irony, is the crazy drama of his gesture to buy an RV and drive cross country to meet me within days of connecting. Nic, of course, failed to see his own drama and crazy.
Clichés limit thinking. They’re thoughtless, thought-less, said without thought. Nic’s reliance on a cliché limited his vision and ability to see the reality of the situation–that I was behaving more rationally, whether he agreed with me or not.
Breaking Down Some Clichés
Let’s examine some other clichés and how they’re narrow in thinking. Here are a few of my not-favorites:
- “Looking for a partner in crime.” This one is common on dating profiles. I assume that the people who post this on their profile are genuinely looking for a romantic partner. And, while I realize that a partner in crime isn’t the literal intention, how about people think about what they really want in a romantic partner and say that instead? After all, Bonnie and Clyde’s romance didn’t end so well.
- “I’m a glass half full kind of person.” This is another common one on profiles. It’s so binary and simplistic. People like binary thinking because it’s easy, but life isn’t easy, it’s complicated. The truth is that if the glass is half full, then it’s also half empty and to ignore that is to ignore the full reality. And what if the glass is overflowing? Or almost empty? What is the glass filled with? And what if there’s no glass at all? What is the person who says this really trying to communicate? That they’re optimistic? That they have a sunny disposition? That they try to find the good, even in a bad siutation? Then say that.
- “Everything happens for a reason.” Try telling that to my cousin whose five year old daughter died a year and a half ago. This saying is simply for the purpose of making the speaker feel better, like they have something worth saying. Sometimes there’s nothing to say to salve a situation, and it’s okay to acknowledge that and sit with the discomfort that life can be a bitch.
- “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” Yeah, well if that was true, suicide wouldn’t be a thing, would it?
- “Outside of the box” This one is ironic–a cliché for original thinking! Instead of “outside of the box,” how about getting rid of the box altogether?
Question Clichés
Clichés are so ubiquitous that people often don’t really think about them or their own true meaning and intent. When you hear a cliché, I challenge you to question it. That doesn’t mean you have to confront the speaker, simply question the cliché.
You can question clichés by thoughtfully engaging with them. What does it really mean? Is that actually true or helpful to the situation? Think beyond the cliché.
For instance, have you ever noticed that when people say “I’m so over it,” they often aren’t? “Over it” implies an emotional letting go that many people who say it lack. I caught myself saying this at my therapist’s once about a situation which I was tired of, but clearly not emotionally beyond.
I could say, “I’m so over clichés,” but obviously I’m not, because though I dislike them, I’m stirred up enough about them to write a blog post. While I might not care for clichés, I’m not dispassionate about them. “I’m so over it” often really means someone is frustrated with a situation, but not necessarily beyond it.
You
To move beyonds clichés, begin by noticing them. If you catch yourself in a cliché or overhear one, engage with it and break it down. Take it from something said without thought to something you’re actively thinking about. What are you really thinking or feeling? Say that instead. And if you really don’t know what to say, it’s okay to say that. It’s better than saying something thought-less.
When looking at dating profiles or going on dates, be attuned to whether potential matches overly rely on clichés to express themself. It may or may not be a turn-off for you, but if you pay attention to it, you’re bringing a heightened-awareness to your communication and interactions.
Final Thoughts
I encourage you to be better than clichés, to go forth in your life thoughtfully and full of thought, rather than without. Question, think, care.
If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.
Good luck out there!
- Beware: How to Spot Fake Profiles
- Relationship Values: On Being Seen (and Heard)
- Q & A: What is a Committed Relationship?
- Oh so Cliché…
- A Review of Dating Platforms: Hinge
symbol on the app. As the name of the feed implies, this is where you can see users who have liked you, but with the caveat that you can only see one at a time unless you pay for a subscription. Only allowing users to see one profile at a time encourages users to engage with profiles rather than scroll through them, or, alternatively, to shell out money for the convenience of having access to multiple profiles.