life

Oh so Cliché…

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By their very definition, clichés are a prevalent part of social exchanges. They’ve been overused to the point of triteness, yet people continue to use them–because they’re convenient and familiar. Clichés may even provide a false sense of wisdom to the speaker due to their cultural ubiquitousness, potentially endowing them with a sense of truth or gravitas that often goes unquestioned.

If you don’t already, I encourage you to question clichés.

The Problem with Clichés

Clichés are lazy and unoriginal thinking. They’re stereotypical generalizations and overused sayings that people either say without really thinking about what they’re saying or say because their own thinking is narrow and limited. Clichés are a linguistic crutch that people rely on so they don’t have to strain their brain to express themselves. By relying on clichés, people aren’t exercising their intellect.

I used to work with a woman who was very kind, but she was also a very limited thinker. Her conversation was sprinkled with clichés, and she regularly began a story with, “Long story short…” Well, as a storyteller, if it’s a long-form story, then tell it long! Good storytelling requires proper format. If it’s a long story, by telling it short, you’re leaving out plot development and rushing to the denouement.

Clichés can also be reductive, reducing people to a stereotype. Labels help us understand our world and talk about it. If I say “house,” you can get a picture in your head and understand what I’m referring to. But people are more than labels, and often groups of people are given labels that are steeped in prejudice. When those labels become associated with a group of people long enough, the prejudice becomes entrenched.

Brad’s Friend

Brad told me about a friend of his who thinks women are crazy. Well, that’s certainly a narrow-minded point of view. Of course, there are women who are “crazy” but to assume that of all women is to overgeneralize, stereoptype, and be reductionist. It’s easier for his friend to assume this of all women, because then he doesn’t have to do the work of discernment to distinguish the nuances and subtleties of personality. By doing so, he’s also putting himself above women, a mysoginistic move.

My response to Brad was that obviously that’s not true, but if his friend really thought so based on his experience, then perhaps his friend is drawn to women who are a little crazy. “Crazy” can have a certain energy and excitement about it. I posited to Brad that if his friend wants to be with a woman who isn’t crazy, then he needs to be more discerning in who he chooses to date. Further, it’s easier for Brad’s friend to blame women by stereotyping them, rather than to look to his own behavior and faults.

George Carlin has his own take on the trope: “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

Of course, not all men are stupid. Except maybe the ones who think women are crazy…

Nic

A companion to the crazy woman trope, is the “drama queen” trope. Now, there are certainly dramatic women, but it’s hardly a quality exclusive to women, yet when have you ever heard a man referred to as a “drama king”?

Personally, I despise drama. Enough so, that I mention it in my dating profile. There was a time when I played the role of social diplomat, but eventually I tired of having to negotiate everyone else’s drama. Now, rather than tiptoe around or try to rationalize with drama, I call drama out. In my relationship history, the men who I’ve been involved with were the primary source of any drama.

Nic lives in New Hampshire. We connected during the pandemic. A few days after connecting he said, “Marry me,” and talked about buying an RV to safely come visit me (money not being an issue for him). I suggested we take more time to get to know each other first.

Months later, with the pandemic continuing to rage, we still hadn’t got together. I floated the idea that we both drive, meet midway, and stay at an Airbnb in the countryside. He, as a doctor, didn’t think that was safe, and instead of simply stating his point of view, he attacked me with a misogynist label, calling me “crazy” for even floating such an idea.

When I said that my idea was perfectly rational, even if he didn’t agree with it, he replied, “Drama, drama, drama…,” which, ironically, was more dramatic than anything I said during our discussion. Furthering the irony, is the crazy drama of his gesture to buy an RV and drive cross country to meet me within days of connecting. Nic, of course, failed to see his own drama and crazy.

Clichés limit thinking. They’re thoughtless, thought-less, said without thought. Nic’s reliance on a cliché limited his vision and ability to see the reality of the situation–that I was behaving more rationally, whether he agreed with me or not.

Breaking Down Some Clichés

Let’s examine some other clichés and how they’re narrow in thinking. Here are a few of my not-favorites:

  • “Looking for a partner in crime.” This one is common on dating profiles. I assume that the people who post this on their profile are genuinely looking for a romantic partner. And, while I realize that a partner in crime isn’t the literal intention, how about people think about what they really want in a romantic partner and say that instead? After all, Bonnie and Clyde’s romance didn’t end so well.
  • “I’m a glass half full kind of person.” This is another common one on profiles. It’s so binary and simplistic. People like binary thinking because it’s easy, but life isn’t easy, it’s complicated. The truth is that if the glass is half full, then it’s also half empty and to ignore that is to ignore the full reality. And what if the glass is overflowing? Or almost empty? What is the glass filled with? And what if there’s no glass at all? What is the person who says this really trying to communicate? That they’re optimistic? That they have a sunny disposition? That they try to find the good, even in a bad siutation? Then say that.
  • “Everything happens for a reason.” Try telling that to my cousin whose five year old daughter died a year and a half ago. This saying is simply for the purpose of making the speaker feel better, like they have something worth saying. Sometimes there’s nothing to say to salve a situation, and it’s okay to acknowledge that and sit with the discomfort that life can be a bitch.
  • “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” Yeah, well if that was true, suicide wouldn’t be a thing, would it?
  • “Outside of the box” This one is ironic–a cliché for original thinking! Instead of “outside of the box,” how about getting rid of the box altogether?

Question Clichés

Clichés are so ubiquitous that people often don’t really think about them or their own true meaning and intent. When you hear a cliché, I challenge you to question it. That doesn’t mean you have to confront the speaker, simply question the cliché.

You can question clichés by thoughtfully engaging with them. What does it really mean? Is that actually true or helpful to the situation? Think beyond the cliché.

For instance, have you ever noticed that when people say “I’m so over it,” they often aren’t? “Over it” implies an emotional letting go that many people who say it lack. I caught myself saying this at my therapist’s once about a situation which I was tired of, but clearly not emotionally beyond.

I could say, “I’m so over clichés,” but obviously I’m not, because though I dislike them, I’m stirred up enough about them to write a blog post. While I might not care for clichés, I’m not dispassionate about them. “I’m so over it” often really means someone is frustrated with a situation, but not necessarily beyond it.

You

To move beyonds clichés, begin by noticing them. If you catch yourself in a cliché or overhear one, engage with it and break it down. Take it from something said without thought to something you’re actively thinking about. What are you really thinking or feeling? Say that instead. And if you really don’t know what to say, it’s okay to say that. It’s better than saying something thought-less.

When looking at dating profiles or going on dates, be attuned to whether potential matches overly rely on clichés to express themself. It may or may not be a turn-off for you, but if you pay attention to it, you’re bringing a heightened-awareness to your communication and interactions.

Final Thoughts

I encourage you to be better than clichés, to go forth in your life thoughtfully and full of thought, rather than without. Question, think, care.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Q & A–What is a Committed Relationship?

Any Day can be The Day

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September 3, 2025: I’m reposting this on the heels of the anniversary of the day I needed to disrupt my status quo. I do so as encouragement to any of you that feel the need to disrupt your life and initiate change. You don’t have to wait for a new year. Any day that you need change can be the day you change your life. I now live beyond volumes, not bound by them.

I typically write posts several weeks out, and I write this straddling the cusp of the New Year. The New Year symbolizes a fresh start, not just the turning of the calendar page, but a new calendar altogether. And yet, I’m wary of New Year’s resolutions. Often, they seem to lack any real resolve, made because it seems to be the thing to do, thus becoming throw-away intentions that fade quickly. The reality is that we can make a revolution in our lives any day of the year; we don’t have to hinge it on an all-or-nothing one-shot opportunity that comes with a New Year.

Feeling Stuck

Back in September, I felt stuck. There were some things in my life that I wasn’t quite able to break free from, resulting in feelings of frustration and melancholy. Unwilling to accept stuck as my reality, I decided I needed to shake things up somehow, to manifest some kind of shift in my life.

I see my post-divorce life in volumes, mostly because my manuscript is Volume 1, yet my story didn’t end there; I continue to live it. Each volume’s been composed of different themes and lessons of life, love, self, and relationship. The volumes each represents a molting where as I evolve, I occasionally outgrow and shed the volume I’m in.

Volume 4 began with David. With him, I thought I’d finally found my Promised Man. Our connection was strong and immediate, yet, more than once, he’s retreated behind a wall of silence. What I thought was going to be a volume about Love and Relationship wound up being a volume about Resilience–about surviving the aftermath of our relationship and carrying on. Eventually, I started dating again and even made some other compelling connections, but none of them fully manifested in a romantic partnership.

Romantically, Volume 4 felt like the Universe was playing a nasty game of tease with me, like a cat toying with a mouse. A game of Wait (for connection), Hope, (that maybe this time it will work out), then Upset (that once again it didn’t). My romantic life felt like a ridiculously cruel joke, but I persisted–what else was I to do? Until, I decided to do something else.

Getting to Something Else

On September 2nd, I arbitrarily declared it to be Volume 5. I had no clear marker delineating that I was in a new volume, only the psychic need for a new volume and to feel that things in my life could be different.

Casting back for rationale, I was able to pinpoint that my life was in a transitional phase and new things were happening–I had a renewed focus on my blog; my firstborn had moved to Boston for school; my youngest had graduated and was starting college. Their lives were entering new phases, and therefore mine was too.

I determined some guiding themes for Volume 5–Manifest (in the way I want); Liberate (myself from feeling stuck); and My Terms (a proactive stance, rather than feeling like I had limited control in my life). By getting into a new headspace, hopefully I could shift my life in the direction I wanted, and get myself unstuck.

Unfortunately, Volume 5 didn’t start smoothly. Within a few days of declaring Volume 5 and trying to maneuver into a better headspace, I became the recipient of unwanted and obsessive attention–I had an electronic stalker. That was unnerving enough, but I wasn’t certain how long his attention would be limited to the digital world.

I was rightfully concerned, but I was also mad. Life is hard enough, what right had he to intrude into my life uninvited? I contacted the police. Trying to reconcile this event with my attempt at a new and improved volume, I realized that while the event was undesirable and unwelcome, I took pride in how I handled it.

I handled it on My Terms. Though it was upsetting, I remained rational, reasonable, and gave it as much energy as I needed to and as little as possible. I didn’t allow it to control my experience nor my mindset. While it would’ve been easy to visit paranoia, I refrained from doing so. Eventually, after a visit from the police, my stalker desisted. We can count on Life to throw us unwelcome events, so how will we walk through them?

When Unwelcome Events Happen

On December 23rd, I heard a story on NPR about a tradition that Scott Detrow does with his friends each New Year–The Potato Drop. On a potato, they write with a sharpie things from the past year that they want to say goodbye to, then toss the potato out the back door at midnight.

Growing the tradition, they also get a sweet potato for writing things they want to hold onto or welcome into their life in the coming year. I love this. It’s not a resolution, but an acknowledgement of gratitude and an invitation to new possibilities. What a tangible way to be intentional about what you want to let go of that isn’t working in your life, and verbalize what you want to manifest in your life. I added potatoes to my grocery list.

On the night of December 28th, state troopers came to my door. This is not a welcome event. It’s psychically disruptive and discombobulating. My boys and I were informed that my ex, their father, had died in a car collision. Our world changed as quickly as the expressions on my sons’ faces.

We can count on Life to throw us unwelcome events, so how will we walk through them? The wound of my ex’s death is still fresh, but the scar of my sons’ grief will walk with them always. How will they walk with it? Despite their heartbreak, they’re bearing the tragedy with grace and maturity. How can I support them in walking this journey? Somehow, we’ll adapt to our new reality. We can’t change the reality of our situation, so on what terms will we meet it?

Meeting Our Reality on Our Terms

On New Year’s Eve, we did the Potato Drop–we certainly had plenty we wanted to let go of, but we also have things we want to cherish and hold onto, as well as other things we want to welcome into our new reality. How will we shape our new lives? And now, as I finish writing this on the other side of the New Year, I think I must be in Volume 6. Or maybe I’ve even broken Beyond the volumes? Liberated from the confines of a tome.

Volume 5 was full of transitions, both good and bad. Let’s see how those transitions manifest and what additional ones await. The unknown of my Beyond and 2024 is unwritten and full of possibility. What will I make of it? And what will you make of yours? What possibility or person do you want to welcome into your life? And what do you want to manifest that you aren’t already?

Claim the Day

If you didn’t make a New Year’s resolution or you’ve already unresolved, it doesn’t matter. In the Potato Drop story, Scott Detrow tells how over the years they’ve expanded their tradition, continuing to evolve it, including doing a Potato Drop at a friend’s wedding, not just at the transition of one year to the next.

Any day can be the day for a transition. You can change up and revolutionize your life any day of the year, be it January 1st, September 2nd, or any of the other 363 days of the year. You could even do it on February 29 of a leap year! Any day can be the day. And any day can be your day, even today. All you need to do is claim your day.

Final Thoughts

May you find the change, possibility, and person you seek this year, and if anything unwelcome comes your way, may you find the strength to meet it on your terms. Carpe Diem, and good luck out there!