In the spirit of my dear friend Erik, who this year has embraced “Why Not?” in his life, I repost this. In this past post, he considers whether or not to purchase a cap. This year, he’s levelled up living with a Why-Not attitude. Good luck to him, and may you find the spirit of “Why Not?” in your life as well…

I’ve been primarily dating long-distance for over a decade. For some men, dating long distance is a non-issue; for others, it’s a deal-breaker; and some men, intrigued by me, take it under consideration, not having considered it before. Because the reactions to dating long distance are so wide-ranging, I generally ask the men I interact with–Why are you willing to consider a girl from Nebraska?

Recently, Pierre responded, “Why not?” Almost a decade ago, Stanley answered the question the same way. I love that answer. Why not?

Why-not is an empowering and expansive stance for considering not just long-distance, not just dating, but life.

The why-not of dating long distance has expanded my life and brought me memories and men who I treasure as part of my story, even in the past tense–dancing in an open-air blues bar in Memphis with Damon; theatre-binging in Chicago with David S; riding around Santa Fe on the back of David M’s Vespa; drinking wine, watching the sunset, and stargazing on Edward’s rooftop terrace in Old Town Chicago; exploring the Lower East Side with John.

Embracing Why-Not

Why-not is the difference between doing something and thinking about doing something. Starting with why-not rather than why has led me to some compelling life experiences. For example…

Paris

I wanted to go to Paris. So, why not? I went alone, but I went.

Aerial Silks

Marvelling at the aerialists in one of the shows I went to with David S., I whispered several times, “I want to do that, I want to do that….” A few years later, I finally asked myself, “Why not?” and found an aerial silks studio nearby.

The Slice Literary Writers’ Conference

Seeing that Slice Magazine (now defunct) was hosting a Literary Writers’ Conference, I thought, “Why not submit an essay to see if I can attend?” I was accepted! Tentative that I might be out of my element, it turned out that I found myself in a sea of fellow English majors–I fit right in!

One of the conference keynotes at the conference was Nicole Krauss, my favorite contemporary novelist, so…Why not go up and talk to her after lunch? While I was talking and gesturing, she surprised me by taking my hand! It’s the only time in my life when I really didn’t want to wash my hand after shaking someone else’s. (There was some regret and hesitation when I did wash my hands later, but I do like to practice good hygiene, especially after using the toilet.)

Pandemic Playlist Porch Concerts

During the early days of the pandemic, I saw the videos of Italians serenading each other from their balconies and Spaniards applauding healthcare work workers at 8 p.m. I thought, “I can do that,” so Why not?

For over a year, I curated a pandemic playlist, posting a song of the day on social media and going out on my porch at 8 p.m. to play it via Bluetooth (Admittedly, I’m no musician–my serenading took the form of playing DJ.). Sometimes neighbors came to listen and socialize (at a safe distance and outside). I grew a small social media following, and I was interviewed for two different radio stories. I did one thing and other things happened.

Why-Not is an Openness to Exploring Possibilities

Not every why-not will end in success. But starting from a place of why-not rather than a place of why is starting from a place of possibility rather than a place of limitations. It’s starting without a box rather than in a box. Even why-nots that don’t fully manifest can better you, stretch you, and build your confidence and willingness to put yourself out there until a why-not does fully manifest.

Why-not is about trying to make things happen, but sometimes things don’t. Here’s a mix of why-nots that have and haven’t happened for me…

Writing

When I started writing in earnest, several friends commented that I should write a book. Hmmm….Why not? I asked myself. A decade later, I have an extant manuscript that remains unpublished and continues to require revision, but I WROTE A MANUSCRIPT. There are plenty of writers out there and plenty of manuscripts, but there are also plenty of people who dream of being a writer and never write a manuscript.

My manuscript itself is a mixed success, but it’s something I did, and the manuscript has set me up for other why-nots–a revised chapter of that manuscript got me into the SLICE Literary Writers’ Conference and another revised chapter won third place (and $250!) in the memoir/personal essay category of the Writer’s Digest 88th Annual Writing Competition.

Blog

Why not start a blog? Check. But, as some of you know, this is a second go-round. My first attempt was a less focused, and thus, less successful attempt. Last spring I asked myself–Why not give it new life and energy? We’ll see where this why-not takes me.

TED Talk

Why not pitch a TED Talk based on one of my chapters? I did, unsuccessfully. You can’t know which why-nots will fully manifest and which won’t, but you won’t find by out thinking about it, you can only find out by doing something about it.

Accomplished Writers

Why not pitch myself and my story to Leonard Pitts Jr. and Bruce Feiler? Leonard Pitts Jr.’s assistant contacted me, but in the end nothing manifested.

Bruce Feiler’s assistant also contacted me, then he went on to set up a Skype call for me with Bruce (in 2018 before Zoom’s pandemic heydey). Bruce interviewed me for his Top 10 New York Times Bestseller Life is in the Transitions. I’m on page 236.

Inviting the Why-Not (or Not)

Sometimes why-nots happen and sometimes they don’t. Why-not is starting from a place of possibility, discovery, and action. Why-not is active and assertive versus the passive inaction of why. You can only find the answer to possibility by pursuing the why-not. As my friend Bob said in the radio story about me, “She’s always up to something.” It’s because I’ve learned to start from a place of why-not–How else am I going to make things happen in my life?

Why-not is the boundless “Yes” of Yoko Ono. Perhaps you know the story of how John Lennon and Yoko Ono met when he came to see her show before its official gallery opening. In order to view one of her pieces, Lennon had to climb a ladder and use a magnifying glass to read the small-type text of “yes” on a canvas. Yes–a word of possibility that gobsmacked John Lennon.

Yes and why-not are invitations to possibility. What and who are you overlooking inviting into your life? Why not open yourself to yes and possibility? Why-not invites you to transform the dream into reality–dream it, research it, enact it.

Why-not removes the barriers that why embodies. Why not go to Paris alone got me to Paris. Why go to Paris alone would have kept me thinking about it or dismissing the idea altogether.

Why not doesn’t have to be a high stakes question, it’s just a question that opens you up to possibility rather than starting from a place of having to rationalize something. The other day, my friend Erik asked me whether he should get a Scally cap, not sure if he could pull off the look. My answer, naturally, was–Why not?

Of course, Erik getting a Scally cap is a low-risk scenario. Sometimes there are good reasons to answer why-not rather than leave it unanswered. I can think of plenty of good reasons why not to jump out of a perfectly good airplane, for instance.

Money, time, risk, and your feelings can all be sound answers to why-not. As someone who opens herself to possibility by dating long distance, I take a lot of precautions to minimize risk while still opening myself to possibility. I don’t go on a long distance date with just any man. The point of dating long distance is to find a special connection and with that, some fun. It’s not about having a reckless and wild adventure. To that end, I carefully gather information and discern both the man and the connection before committing to a long distance rendezvous.

I invite you to practice applying Why-not in your life. Why not take that trip? Why not apply for that job or start that business? Why not hike the Appalachian trail (Maybe I’ll do a portion in 2025…but first I have to plan my why-not trip to Italy in 2024!)? Why not climb Mt. Kilimanjaro (My friend Anne did for the first time at the age of 65, and she’s done it a second time since!)?

As for dating, Why not make a dating profile? Why not ask someone out if you’re interested in them? Why not consider someone long distance if you really like them? You know your whys better than I do, I simply challenge you to turn your whys into why-nots. Sometimes you’ll have a good reason not to do something, but maybe you’ll also find some room for possibility and making things happen. Who knows where a why-not could take you? Aren’t you curious to find out?

Final Thoughts

Who and what are you going to invite into your life this year? Pursue your possibilities and good luck why-notting out there!

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