Christmas

Blue Holidays: When You Feel More Oy than Joy

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The original date of this post is 2017. I’ve not only updated it, but in the meantime, my family has survived more blue holidays. On December 28, 2023, my ex, father to my children, died. The last day my boys saw their father alive was Christmas Day. Their father’s death will always color my boys’ holidays with a tint of blue.

Last year was my boys’ first Christmas without their father. My firstborn went to Hawaii with a friend and bandmate rather than suffer through the Christmas holiday at emotional Ground Zero. It was what he needed to do to get through the holiday. Conversely, my youngest wanted as much normalcy as possible. I accommodated and respected both of their needs. We did what we needed to do to get through the holiday and be okay.

So, this post is for those of you feeling blue this season. I wish you the happiest holidays that you can manage.

Blue Holidays

Holidays are a tricky time. The expectations we put on them amplify our emotions one way or another, whether Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, a birthday, or an anniversary. 

A proposal on Valentine’s Day? Wow! But conversely, when we have expectations of pleasure, happiness, enjoyment, and celebration, anything that falls short of that can lead to disappointment. Or if we’re feeling blue on a holiday when everyone else is in a celebratory mode and mood, we can feel alienated, further intensifying our blue mood.

Holidays can be Happy, but…

I’ve had a Valentine’s Day where my lover romanced me in Chicago and told me, “This is the best relationship I’ve ever been in…we’re made for each other.” I’ve had a perfect New Year’s Eve out with my lover in Denver, as well as an eagerly anticipated first date on Christmas Day. Very romantic, but the holidays can also be loaded. And this year I find myself struggling with the holiday season.

Blue Holidays Happen

Like a Bridezilla expecting a perfect wedding, often holiday expectations are unrealistic and inevitably end in disappointment if things aren’t just-so. Valentine’s Day is about being romanced. Birthdays are about being celebrated and recognized. Christmas has secularly become about family time, tradition, and gift-giving. But what about when things aren’t just-so? What about when our experience doesn’t match expectations, whether those expectations are our own or the perceived social standard?

In college, I worked at a restaurant. Valentine’s Day was one of our busiest nights of the year, so I was inevitably on the work schedule. One year, my boyfriend wanted to dine at the restaurant to be in proximity to me. He (naively?) came to dinner with a female “friend,” on Valentine’s Day, one of those women who delight in male attention while pretending she’s ambivalent. I waited on them. Ick.

On my twentieth birthday, I locked myself in the restroom stall of a restaurant to cry, because a waitress was insulting and demeaning to me (My skin is a little thicker now, but still.). This was an echo of an experience years prior, when as a Kindergartner, my entire class came to my home for my birthday party, but I came down with a fever, and shut myself in my bedroom.

My first Mother’s Day as a mom, my then-husband and father-of-my-child failed to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. He said nothing, acknowledging neither the day nor my motherhood. As the day wore on I went from glowing anticipation, to hurt and sorrow, to outrage. When I finally said something about it, he replied with a shrug, “You’re not my mother.” There’s a good reason he became my ex.

Our last few anniversaries, my ex routinely picked fights with me at dinner. This led to me not wanting to go out with him anymore. Another year together hardly seemed worth celebrating when I didn’t enjoy his company, and our “celebration” inevitably turned into conflict.

There was a Valentine’s Day that went by unacknowledged because my beau and I were fighting. And then, there are all the holidays I’ve spent alone, both as a young woman and since my divorce.

Life doesn’t stop for the holidays. In graduate school, I had a friend who lost her sister and brother-in-law to a drunk driver on Thanksgiving Day. Her sister was 23. Thanksgiving will always carry a taint for her.

Perhaps you have some examples of your own?

What to do if Your Holiday is Blue?

Blue Holidays happen. So what to do if you’re feeling blue? Begin with acknowledging and accepting the authenticity of your feelings, and the mismatch with holiday expectations. It’s okay to feel that way, even if it doesn’t feel good. Don’t put any additional expectations on yourself. Allow yourself the grace of honest feelings.

What Do You Need?

If you’re feeling blue amidst the larger joy of the holiday, honor yourself and your feelings. Prioritize. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Determine what you really can’t manage, and allow yourself grace for feeling that way. And if you need something different, do that.

Early November of last year, the dark and cold of the season settled into my mood. The demands put on me both professionally and personally were stressing me out. I needed escape. Rather than participate in the typical Thanksgiving dinner with family, I took advantage of the long weekend and found a cabin in Grand Lake, Colorado to escape to, alone, for a mental reset. I needed that. I prioritized myself and my needs, over tradition and social expectations.

What do you need?

What Can You Find?

This year my church is offering a special service—A Blue Christmas Service. It’s a service to honor the legitimate feelings of those who are struggling with the cheer of the season, whether they’re suffering from loss, estrangement, addiction, loneliness, financial issues, illness, divorce, perfectionism, insecurity, depression, whatever.

The purpose of the service is to acknowledge that life isn’t perfect, nor are we, even though the culture of the season would seem to have it so. The movie It’s A Wonderful Life honors the potential pain of the season, yet ends on a note of Hope. We all need such Hope, that we may carry on, past the pain.

What or who can you find to support you through your blues? Family? A friend? Therapist? Clergy? A service? A support group? A walk in nature? A getaway? A creative outlet for your feelings?

The Holidays Across Time

I know the eagerness and excitement of the holidays that I had as a child, but I also know that holidays cannot live up to the expectations of childhood, because between now and then, a lot of living has been done. Life has changed. I’ve loved, and I’ve lost. I have the baggage of middle-age. There’s no escaping that I carry my lifetime of experiences around with me.

The holidays were different before my grandparents died than after they died; they were different as a child than as an adult; different before I married than after I married; different before I had children than after I had children; different before my divorce than after my divorce.

And the holidays will change again, because that’s life. The holidays will be different when my children are adults than they are now. And I’m certain there are other ways they’ll evolve as well—the earth keeps turning, I keep living, and I know not what tomorrow will bring.

Change isn’t altogether a bad thing; it’s just different. Sometimes the differences are hard to accept, but that doesn’t mean they’re bad. And sometimes the moment isn’t the moment you want it to be, yet there you are. The best you can do, the best I can do is to try to enjoy the moment for what it is, or at the very least, to get through it. We are complicated beings, and the holidays complicate things.

Final Thoughts

Advent is a time of waiting, of anticipation. This year I find the waiting and anticipation are tinged with anxiety. I’m trying to be okay with the approaching holiday, but I cannot deny my feelings, they’re honest, and to deny them would be a lie. So I’m doing my best to take care of myself, love on my beloveds, find joy where I can, enjoy the support of my friends, and remember that in the end, a holiday is just another day.

Note: Updating this post from the vantage point of 2025, I have the clear perspective that the anxiety I was experiencing at the time was largely due to the relationship I was in. I removed myself from that relationship several years ago. I’ve still had some blue holidays, but I removed a source of pain that was causing me blues, for my betterment and well-being.

Can you label the source of your blues? Is there anything you can do to improve your situation and experience? Or remove yourself from the source of pain?

May we all find peace and what joy we can this holiday season whatever your moment may be.

Peace be with you, and good luck out there!

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

P.S. I’ll be taking the next month off for the holidays. I’ll see you next year!

Up Next: Manage Your Relationship Expectations–Further Down the Road

Holiday Hacks: Navigating the Holidays as a Single

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Holidays are supposed to be a time of celebration, but there are all kinds of reasons that the joy of the season may feel elusive, even oppressive. If you feel marginalized by the joy rather than a participant in it, a season of joy can have a dark underbelly. Advent? My life often feels like an Advent–waiting, waiting, waiting… yet I don’t want to wait my life away, so I do my best to make things happen. Part of that is taking the holidays on my terms.

With the holiday season upon us, I want to address some tips for navigating the holidays as a single–I’ve certainly had plenty of time to figure out some single holiday hacks. While I hope all singles can find something helpful herein, I especially offer this to those of you who are single and struggling. I’ve been there. Please, Persist.

Have a Game Plan:

For holidays without my boys, I always make sure to have a plan so that I don’t end up sitting at home feeling sad and sorry for myself. Instead, I ensure that I’m actively doing something and participating in my life and the holiday. I may still feel sad and sorry for myself, but at least I’m trying to do something to counteract those feelings rather than simply marinating in a brine of sorrow and self-pity. I do the holiday on my terms. Here are some actionable ideas:

Go on a Date:

Remember, you’re not alone in this. You’re hardly the only single. If you don’t have kids for the holiday, and someone’s piqued your interest, consider going on a date.

I’ve had a first date in Chicago on Christmas Day and a local one on New Year’s Day. If there’s someone you like who might be available, ask them out…who knows, maybe you’ll end up with a great first-date story to tell at your wedding! Or maybe you’ll make a good memory, even if it doesn’t work out for the long term. Or perhaps you’ll make a new friend. And if it’s a major fail, hopefully you at least get a good story to laugh about.

As singles, we must laugh–our experiences are simply too ridiculous not to. Sans laughter, it hurts too much. Find the humor as you’re able. Upturn situations and holidays as it suits you. Take holidays on your terms.

Celebrate with Friends:

Do you know other singles who lack a special someone or family to celebrate with? When looking for friends to celebrate holidays with, one of the first people I think of is Ed–godfather to my eldest son, he’s been a beloved friend for over twenty years.

A longtime single, Ed has no children, his parents are deceased, and he doesn’t have any local family members. While he has many friends he can potentially celebrate with, he doesn’t have a consistent person to celebrate with, and he’s more likely to be available on holidays than most of my friends. We’ve made some good memories over the years, including dancing and drinking to a live band at a honky tonk bar on New Year’s Eve!

Remember Galentine’s Day from Parks and Recreation? Instead of the romantic-focused celebration of Valentine’s Day, Leslie creates a holiday to celebrate her gal friends. Along the same lines, if you aren’t able to celebrate Thanksgiving with family, consider a Friendsgiving celebration instead! Create your own special way to celebrate a holiday with friends. Flip the holiday from a what you’re missing scenario to a what you’re making happen scenario!

Be Your own Date (Celebrate Yourself!):

Unhappily married, I focused my life around my children during my marriage. They brought me joy, so I immersed myself in them. With the divorce came weekends without my children. Alone with myself, I finally gave myself some much-needed attention. I chose to actively honor myself and re-create myself into the woman I wanted to be. Every weekend without my boys, I made a point of getting out of the house and doing something–going on the First Friday gallery walk, to a movie, or taking myself out for dinner. Something.

Frankly, the first time I went to dinner alone felt awkward. I took a book along and dressed up for the occasion. The book gave me something, if not someone, to engage with, and I dressed up in order to own my worth, just as I’d dress up for a date. Despite being somewhat self-conscious, I also found the experience liberating.

With time, taking myself out to dinner has become normalized and empowering. Anymore, when someone tells me they couldn’t possibly go out to eat by themself, I genuinely feel sorry for them. Nowadays, I sit at the bar. I bring reading material, but I invite the possibility of conversation and connection by sitting in a communal space rather than alone at a table.

Last New Year’s Eve, I had plans to stay home and watch a movie with my youngest son, but he made last minute plans with friends. Left without a game plan, I dressed myself up and went out for Happy Hour at my favorite sushi restaurant.

As a former restaurant hostess, I can tell you that New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day are the trickiest nights to eat out sans a reversation. But, by sitting at the bar and hitting early Happy Hour, seating wasn’t a problem. People were out, I got myself out there, and I beat the real crowds. Don’t have a date to celebrate with? Celebrate yourself!

Get Yourself out there and Do Something:

My first Thanksgiving sans my children loomed as oppressively claustrophobic–a too quiet, too long holiday. I had plans to go over to my folks for a noon-hour meal, followed by playing cards with my parents and uncle. This was good for a few hours, but I couldn’t foresee several hours spent so quietly.

I knew I needed to open up the holiday somehow, so I decided to go to a movie in the late afternoon. I told my parents and uncle that they were welcome to join me, and my mother did. I was able to spend time with family, get out of the house, and break up the holiday so it was enjoyable and averted drifting into monotony.

The last few Thanksgivings without my boys, I’ve opted for hiking on the holiday. Many things are closed on holidays, but nature isn’t! Holidays are a great opportunity to go for a hike.

When options are limited, consider trying a hotel restaurant/bar. When I went to Chicago for a first date on Christmas, we stayed at a boutique hotel where we had dinner and drinks at the hotel’s restaurant and bar. Hotels need to provide service to their clientele, even on major holidays, so there’s a decent chance that you can find an open restaurant/bar in a hotel if you do a little research.

Your chances are better at hotels that are large and/or upscale. A larger hotel will be serving more travelers, and an upscale hotel will strive to make their clientele happy.

Get Out of Town:

Another get-yourself-out-there option is getting yourself all the way out-of-town! Don’t sit at home alone, in fact, don’t stay home at all, but get yourself some new scenery!

I flew to Chicago for my Christmas date. Hardly anyone flies on Christmas Day itself, so getting out-of-town was a breeze. No crowds, no hassle. Upon arrival, I had the adventure of a new connection and a different town, offering me fresh possibilities in companionship, activities, and scenery.

The past few Thanksgivings without my boys, I’ve opted to get out of town. It’s a long weekend without my boys, so why not? I turned the holiday into a vacation! My friend Erik was gracious enough to let me stay at his home in Colorado while he was visiting family in Nebraska.

Thanksgiving Day, I’d go for a hike in Rocky Mountain National Park. Other days, when more things were open, I’d go to the Denver Art Museum, take myself out to dinner, and go Christmas shopping at the Pearl Street Mall in Boulder or Christkindlmarket in Denver (Maybe both!).

Me on Thanksgiving Day 2021 on a hike in Rocky Mountain National Park!
Photo: Me on Thanksgiving Day 2021 on a hike in Rocky Mountain National Park. Admittedly, this was a difficult time in my life. I was coming off a devastating break-up and my youngest son was having serious health issues. Nevertheless, I tried to make the most of the holiday and get out of town. That’s not my normal Nebraska scenery!

Birthdays count!

Don’t have a partner or kids to celebrate your birthday with? Do a singles’ holiday hack on your birthday! Take the day off and do something special for yourself–with a friend, out of town, or on your own! On different birthdays I’ve celebrated by going for a birthday hike; going on a first date in Chicago; and meeting up with friends for Happy Hour.

One year, my friend Ed, citing me as his inspiration, celebrated his birthday by flying to Chicago in the morning, going to the Art Institute, then flying back in the evening. He saved money on a hotel, was able to get back the same day to take care of his dogs, yet made his day special and memorable. It gives me great pleasure to be that kind of inspiration.

Your ideas?

Looking to change up a holiday? Be creative and flip your thinking! And if you have ideas that you’ve tried or have new inspiration, please share your ideas in the comments.

Final Thoughts…

As a single, the holidays can be emotionally tricky to navigate. If you’re a single, a time of celebration and community spirit can potentially make you feel alienated and isolated. Such feelings are valid, and I don’t mean to gloss over their legitimacy. In fact, I’ve addressed the trickiness of the holidays before in this blog.

But, while such feelings are legitimate, is that where you want to live? If you’re single and struggling with holiday malaise, I offer you this post as a way to empower yourself and your thinking, to try to push yourself to a better holiday experience. And I wish you the best of luck in that endeavor.

Have fun and be safe! Happy holidays to you, whatever your holidays may be, and good luck out there! Peace and love– Laura

Blue Holidays: When You Feel More Oy than Joy

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Holidays are a tricky time. The expectations we put on them amplify our emotions one way or another, whether Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, a birthday, or an anniversary. A proposal on Valentine’s Day? Wow! But conversely, when we have expectations of pleasure, happiness, enjoyment, and celebration, anything that falls short of that can lead to disappointment. Or if we’re feeling blue on a holiday when everyone else is in a celebratory mode and mood, we can feel alienated, further intensifying our blue mood.

Holidays can be Happy, but…

I’ve had a Valentine’s Day where my lover romanced me in Chicago and told me, “This is the best relationship I’ve ever been in…we’re made for each other.” I’ve had a perfect New Year’s Eve out with my lover in Denver, as well as an eagerly anticipated first date on Christmas. Very romantic, but the holidays can also be loaded. And this year I find myself struggling with the holiday season.

Blue Holidays Happen

Like a Bridezilla expecting a perfect wedding, often holiday expectations are unrealistic, and inevitably end in disappointment if things aren’t just-so. Valentine’s Day is about being romanced. Birthdays are about being celebrated and recognized. Christmas has secularly become about family time, tradition, and gift-giving. But what about when things aren’t just-so? What about when our experience doesn’t match expectations, whether those expectations are our own or the perceived social standard?

In college, I worked at a restaurant. Valentine’s Day was one of our busiest nights of the year, so I was inevitably on the work schedule. My boyfriend wanted to dine at my restaurant to be in proximity to me. He came to dinner with another woman, a “friend,” on Valentine’s Day. She was one of those women who delight in male attention while pretending she’s ambivalent. I waited on them. Ick.

On my twentieth birthday, I locked myself in the restroom stall of a restaurant to cry because a waitress was insulting and demeaning to me (My skin is a little thicker now, but still.). This was an echo of an experience years prior, when as a Kindergartner, my entire class came to my home for my birthday party, but I came down with a fever, and shut myself in my bedroom.

My first Mother’s Day as a mom, my then-husband and father-of-my-child failed to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. He said nothing, not acknowledging the day nor my motherhood. As the day wore on I went from glowing anticipation, to hurt and sorrow, to outrage. When I finally said something about it, he replied with a shrug, “You’re not my mother.” There’s a good reason he’s my ex.

Our last few anniversaries, my ex routinely picked fights with me at dinner. This led to me not wanting to go out with him anymore. Another year together hardly seemed worth celebrating when I didn’t enjoy his company, and our “celebration” turned into conflict.

There was a Valentine’s Day that went by unacknowledged because my beau and I were fighting. And then there are all the holidays I’ve spent alone, both as a young woman and since my divorce.

Life doesn’t stop for the holidays. In graduate school, I had a friend who lost her sister and brother-in-law to a drunk driver on Thanksgiving Day. Her sister was 23. Thanksgiving will always carry a taint for her.

Perhaps you have some examples of your own?

What to do if Your Holiday is Blue?

Blue Holidays happen. So what to do if you’re feeling blue? Begin with acknowledging and accepting the authenticity of your feelings, and the mismatch with holiday expectations. It’s okay to feel that way, even if it doesn’t feel good. Don’t put any additional expectations on yourself. Allow yourself the grace of honest feelings.

What Do You Need?

If you’re feeling blue amidst the larger joy of the holiday, honor yourself and your feelings. Prioritize. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Determine what you really can’t manage, and allow yourself grace for feeling that way. And if you need something different, do that.

Early November of last year, the dark and cold of the season settled into my mood. The demands put on me both professionally and personally were stressing me out. I needed escape. Rather than participate in the typical Thanksgiving dinner with family, I took advantage of the long weekend, and found a cabin in Grand Lake, Colorado to escape to, alone, for a mental reset. I needed that. What do you need?

What Can You Find?

This year my church is offering a special service—A Blue Christmas Service. It’s a service to honor the legitimate feelings of those who are struggling with the cheer of the season, whether they are suffering from loss, estrangement, addiction, loneliness, financial issues, illness, divorce, perfectionism, insecurity, depression, whatever.

The purpose of the service is to acknowledge that life isn’t perfect, nor are we, even though the culture of the season would seem to have it so. The movie It’s A Wonderful Life honors the potential pain of the season, yet ends on a note of hope. We all need such hope, that we may carry on, past the pain.

What or who can you find to support you through your blues? Family? A friend? Therapist? Clergy? A service? A support group? A walk in nature? A getaway? A creative outlet for your feelings?

The Holidays Across Time

I know the eagerness and excitement of the holidays that I had as a child, but I also know that holidays cannot live up to the expectations of childhood, because between now and then, a lot of living has been done. Life has changed. I have loved; I have lost. I have the baggage of middle-age. There’s no escaping that I carry my lifetime of experiences around with me.

The holidays were different before my grandparents died than after they died; they were different as a child than as an adult; different before I married than after I married; different before I had children than after I had children; different before my divorce than after my divorce.

And the holidays will change again, because that’s life. The holidays will be different when my children are adults than they are now. And I’m certain there are other ways they’ll evolve as well—the earth keeps turning, I keep living, and I know not what tomorrow will bring.

Change isn’t altogether a bad thing, it’s just different. Sometimes the differences are hard to accept, but that doesn’t mean they’re bad. And sometimes the moment isn’t the moment you want it to be, yet there you are. The best you can do, the best I can do is to try to enjoy the moment for what it is, or at the very least, to get through it. We are complicated beings and the holidays complicate things.

Final Thoughts

Advent is a time of waiting, of anticipation. This year I find the waiting and anticipation are tinged with anxiety. I’m trying to be okay with the approaching holiday, but I cannot deny my feelings, they’re honest, and to deny them would be a lie. So I’m doing my best to take care of myself, love on my beloveds, find joy where I can, enjoy the support of my friends, and remember that in the end a holiday is just another day.

Note: Updating this post from the vantage point of 2025, I have the clear perspective that the anxiety I was experiencing at the time was largely due to the relationship I was in. I removed myself from that relationship several years ago. I’ve still had some blue holidays, but I removed a source of pain that was causing me blues, for my betterment and well-being.

Can you label the source of your blues? Is there anything you can do to improve your situation and experience? Or remove yourself from the source of pain?

May we all find peace and what joy we can this holiday season whatever your moment may be.

Peace be with you, and good luck out there!

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.