Laura Deitchler

Crafting Your Dating Profile Summary

/ blackbirddiaryblog

The Summary is an important part of your dating profile, yet neglected by a lot of dating platform users. This is a mistake, as Your Summary is how potential matches can get a sense of who you are and discern their interest. It’s your opportunity to get the attention of potential matches and to stand out from other profiles.

In my last few posts, I’ve provided some general tips for an effective Summary. In this post, I’m going to further guide you in how to craft Your Summary. Your Summary is about You. To that end, use whatever ideas speak to you to make the task easier, more approachable, and ultimately, more You.

The Process

If writing is an intimidating task for you, then start by breaking down the process into manageable steps. Get a notebook for writing down ideas and give yourself the grace of time. You don’t have to write a standout essay in one sitting. Walk through your day(s) and when you get an idea about what to write, make a notation in the notebook. When you’re ready with some ideas, you can sit down and draft Your Summary.

As a writer and blogger, I do this myself all the time. Sometimes the ideas don’t come on command. Sometimes ideas need the grace of time to ferment and come to fruition. I keep a notepad by my bed in case I have an idea when I’m half-asleep; I walk with a memo-pad in both my fanny pack and purse in case an idea strikes me when I’m on the move; and my blog draft just looks like a bunch of random notes long before it’s published. Take the pressure off and give yourself time to think about what you want to say.

Think of Your Summary as a Conversation

If writing is a task outside of your comfort zone, reframe the writing as a conversation. You use words in conversation all the time. With Your Summary, you’re initiating a conversation with potential matches. Imagine yourself walking across a room at a party to talk to someone who catches your eye, and then introduce yourself…

Content: Who You Are

When introducing yourself, you want to tell potential matches a little about yourself. The more effectively you can give potential matches a sense of who you are, the better you’ll be able to spark their interest. A man may have attractive profile pictures, but if I can’t get a sense of the kind of person he is from his Summary, I lose interest.

Who you are is more than what you do for a living, though that’s important too. Some things to consider talking about in Your Summary:

  • Personality Traits: Are you socially reserved or extroverted? Are you adventurous or low-key? Do you prefer nature or the energy of the city? Would you rather go out, stay in, or strike a healthy balance? How do you go forth in the world? Tell potential matches a little bit about the kind of person you are.
  • Family: If you have children, mention how many and relative ages (Are they young, teenagers, adults?). Orient potential matches to what your family life looks like (Do you have full custody? Shared custody? Kids away at college?) so they can get a sense of whether that makes sense with their own lifestyle. Do NOT mention your ex. Your ex should be in the rearview mirror and considering them as family is problematic for future relationships.
  • Career: Share a little bit about what you do and how it’s meaningful for you. If you travel for work, work remotely, or have an unusual work situation (i.e., travelling nurse), briefly explain. By telling potential matches about your lifestyle, it brings them a little bit into your world and helps them discern if they can see themself in your picture.
  • Activities: What are some of your favorite activities? How do you spend your free time? Scuba diving? Hiking? Volunteering? Skiing? Art museums/galleries? Reading? Live music? Sporting events? Preparing craft cocktails? Let potential matches know some of your favorite things to do so they can see how compatible you may be. If a man says he’s heavy into things like scuba diving and ice climbing, I know he’s working at a different speed than I am. I’ll stroll the art gallery with a glass of wine on a First Friday, thank you very much. But if a man says he’s equally at ease with dressing comfortably for a hike or in a tux for an event, my interest may be piqued!
  • Travel: Do you enjoy travelling? If so, what does that look like for you? RVing? Backpacking? National Parks? A cruise? Cosmopolitan locales? Beaches? Mountains? Domestic? Abroad? A range of experiences? Paint a picture for potential matches of the kind of travel you like to engage in and the range of experience you enjoy.
  • The Arts: Do you have a favorite musician/band or music genre that you prefer, or do you have eclectic taste? A favorite movie or genre of film? A favorite book or book genre? Do you like the visual arts, dance, theatre, or opera? If a man says he’s an opera fan, he’s probably not for me, but if he likes classic film, then we have a point of connection.
  • Sports: Do you play sports? Attend sporting events? Watch or follow a particular sport? Have a favorite team? If it’s important to you, do tell!
  • Interests: What are you curious about? I was recently involved with a man who had a job in the technology sector and was a CMO, yet he also had a deep interest in quantum physics. Myself, I’m attracted to human story across place, time, culture, and expressed through different artistic mediums. What piques your interest?
  • Truths: Consider being upfront about any truths you may have and are comfortable sharing–places in your life where you’re inflexible. This saves both you and potential matches time in determining your compatibility and can spare hurt feelings down the road if you’re incompatible. Examples of truths: strong faith, (un)willingness to date long distance, sexual proclivities, disease, disability, politics, etc. Share your truths in a neutral and non-judgmental way.
  • Values: Do you have any core values that are important for you to share? In my profile, I mention that authenticity is important to me–that I offer it, expect it in turn, and that I won’t tolerate deception of any kind. I don’t belabor it; I simply make my point.

While personality, family, and career are basic information topics that you should address, you needn’t be exhaustive in addressing every category above. Rather, use the categories as a guide to make some notes that will help you paint a picture of who you are for potential matches. Focus on the categories that speak to you, as YOU are who Your Summary is about.

Content: Who You’re Looking For

If you have a strong sense of the kind of person you’re looking for and attracted to, that gives you an advantage as you sift through profiles. Likewise, if you name some of those qualities in your profile, it will help viewers discern if you might be a good match. Name the qualities in a match that are must-haves, but try to keep the list small. The longer the list of must-haves is, the narrower the pool of possibilities becomes. On my profile, I name that I need a man who can stimulate me intellectually and make me laugh. Those are essential for me. What is essential for you?

If you aren’t solid on the kind of person you’re looking for, that leaves possibility wide open, and that’s fine. However, if you’d like to discern and try to pinpoint certain qualities that attract you, look for patterns of attraction. Think about past relationships that were meaningful for you. What was it about your partner that attracted you to them? Do you see any recurring patterns across relationships?

If you’re still unsure, take a page from the aforementioned notebook and take notes on dating profiles that catch your interest. Try to name what it is about each profile that intrigues you. Do you see any patterns of attraction? If so, you can use that information to empower you in your search and in naming the kind of match you’re looking for.

By naming qualities that you find attractive in Your Summary, you allow potential matches to see if they might be a good fit. However, be careful not to let your list of desirables get overly long. A brief list gives clarity about the kind of person you’re seeking. The longer the list of desired qualities gets, the more it feels like a checklist of criteria that a potential match must measure up against, be wary of wading into that territory.

Likewise, when telling about Who you’re looking for, beware of the phrase, “You are…” While it has the immediacy of seeming to talk directly to potential matches, it’s presumptive to tell someone who they are or should be. Rather, invite dialogue by asking who they are. For instance:

  • What about you?
  • What do you like to do?
  • Does that sound like you?
  • What should we do for our first date?
  • Shall we meet for coffee? A drink? Dinner?
  • Now, tell me about yourself…
  • But, I’d really like to learn about you…

Some patterns of attraction may not be essential, but may be worth mentioning. In my profile, I mention that I have a history of dating artistic/creative types and that I pair well with alphas. That doesn’t mean I date such men exclusively, but it does mean that if a man has no interest whatsoever in the visual arts or is reserved, then we’re probably not a good match.

Content: What You’re Looking For

When you’re looking for a relationship, there’s not just a Who involved, but a What. The What is the relationship itself, in particular, it’s the dynamic created by the individuals in relationship, the shared space of the Venn Diagram. What do you want that shared space to look like? Feel like? This is the What. By describing What you hope to find and create in relationship, you can draw the right connections in. If What you describe is attractive to potential matches, then you’ve got their attention.

Early in my dating journey, when I was still discerning What I was looking for, a friend recommended that I look for pictures of how I wanted relationship to feel, much like a vision board. It was a surprisingly fruitful exercise. As someone who expresses affection with physical touch, I began by looking for pictures of couples holding hands but found the pictures unsatisfactory. When I tried a search for couples embracing, I found the pictures much more satisfying, such as the couple walking down the street with their arms around each others waists, no vacant space between their bodies. That exercise taught me how important physical touch and proximity is for me in relationship. Someone who doesn’t express affection physically would leave me feeling wanting.

If you’re still discerning What you’re looking for in relationship, consider searching for visual images that match what you want to feel. Are the couples laughing? Holding hands? Are their arms wrapped around each other?

Think about your past relationships–What qualities about any past relationships made that/those relationships resonate with you? Are there any past relationship dynamics that you want to avoid as you go forward? I’ve been in past relationships where I haven’t felt seen, heard, or honored, with men who created a lot of drama. Nowadays, I’m carefully attuned to how a man treats me, makes me feel, and how he behaves.

Consider the couples you know–are there any couples who model a relationship dynamic that you find desirable? What is it about their dynamic that you find attractive? My cousin Michele and her husband Mike are an example of the kind of dynamic I seek. They’re playful, considerate, and supportive of one another. There’s always laughter when I visit, and they tag-team cooking the meal (While I watch and drink wine!). I’ve never seen them bicker or disparage each other, and I can’t say that of many couples I’ve spent that much time around.

Content: Additional Ideas

If you’d like to individualize your profile further, tell a story about yourself. Keep it light at this point. If you’re able to laugh at yourself and make it humorous, even better! Maybe a travel misadventure or an embarrassing moment? Consider teasing potential matches and piquing their interest by not revealing the end of the story, instead saying something to the effect of, “I’ll tell you the rest of the story on our first date…”

Or, tell about something that inspires you or that you’re inspired to do. Do you have a person you admire? They don’t need to be famous. What is it about them that you admire? Or, do you have a particular quote that resonates with you? Share it and explain its significance to you. (Make sure to limit yourself to only one quote!) Maybe you find inspiration in a place? Where is that place, and what about it inspires you? Are you inspired to walk the El Camino? Learn to play guitar? Master Portuguese? Tell potential matches What you’re inspired to do and Why. The explanation of the Why of your inspiration is where potential matches have the opportunity to see who you are.

Or, tell random interesting facts about yourself. Here’s an example from a profile I saw recently:

Random stuff about me…I return shopping carts, I am fascinated by the 2 ft. long printed coupons you get at CVS (Extra Bucks rule!), I don’t hog the left hand lane unless I’m passing slower traffic, I tip 20% or more but do the math in my head so the bill total always ends in zeros, I’m the DJ at my house parties, I walk on the curb side of the street with my lady, etc.

I thought it was pretty sweet. While I wasn’t swayed in his direction, he did manage to get my attention, and his profile was entertaining. What are some of your random facts?

Draft Your Summary

Now that you have an idea about what you’re going to write, it’s time to draft Your Summary. Remember to think of Your Summary as the beginning of a conversation–You’re introducing yourself to potential matches. You’re going to walk across the room to that person who caught your eye, and say…that’s exactly what you write.

Think of the writing as simply organizing your thoughts and recording them. You can go back and proofread/edit later. Start by simply getting your ideas down. Strive for a minimum length of three paragraphs. Any less than that makes it difficult to convey a real sense of who you are.

If it’s easier for you to actually simulate that imaginary conversation than write it down, try using a Speech-to-Text app or software to record what you would say to that person when you walk over.

You can also break writing Your Summary up into manageable parts. I didn’t write the first draft of this blog post in one sitting, and you don’t have to write Your Summary draft in one sitting either. Write a little bit, then walk away for a while before coming back to it. You can even break it up into the same chunks (headings and bullet points) that I’ve organized this blog into if that’s helpful!

Myself, I’m not a fan of A.I., but it’s an additional tool that’s available to you if you aren’t confident about writing Your Summary.

Edit/Proofread Your Draft

It’s important to edit and proofread the draft of Your Summary. Your potential matches aren’t all going to be English majors, but you don’t want your profile to stand out for its spelling and grammatical errors. It’s worth taking the time to edit and proofread.

Read your draft out loud to yourself. This is something that writers commonly do to make sure it flows and sounds right. It’s also a good way to catch little mistakes you might not notice if you’re just glancing at the words across the screen/page.

Use software to help you get spelling and grammar right if you need to. Be careful with things like you’re and your. If you’re not sure, google it to find out. An English major I may be, but I still Google grammar questions with frequency!

Final Thoughts

The Summary is a crucial part of a dating profile, as this is where you have the opportunity to give potential matches a sense of who you are. Done effectively, it will get their attention and help them discern possible compatibility.

In my last few posts (linked below) I provided some guidelines for writing Your Summary. This post is meant to make the task of writing an effective Summary as approachable as possible. Whether you’re writing a Summary from scratch, or I’ve given you ideas for tweaking Your Summary, I want to empower you to have as much success as possible finding Who and What you’re looking for. Good luck out there!

Recent Posts:

Up Next: On the Paradox of Choice

Even More Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

/ blackbirddiaryblog

The Summary part of your dating profile demands more thought and effort than the rest of your profile as it’s an open-ended essay question rather than mulitiple choice. Because of this, many dating platform users neglect The Summary or don’t put much thought into it. This is a mistake, as it’s your best opportunity to effectively tell potential matches who you are and what you’re looking for. Further, it’s your chance to stand out and make a good first impression. Let’s make that happen!

In many ways, dating is similar to a job search. You want a mutually good fit, and there’s a process of vetting possibilites. In this analogy, your profile works like a resume, giving potential matches a sense of who you are. Just as you’d do your best to position yourself well for a professional opportunity by polishing your resume, likewise, you should optimize your dating profile. Envision Your Summary as an opportunity, not a chore. In the job search analogy, Your Summary is akin to the “Tell me about yourself,” part of a job interview. And, if finding your words is an intimidating prospect, don’t worry, I’m here to help!

Don’t: Mention Your Ex

The purpose of your dating profile is to find your next romantic connection. Leading with talk about a former lover/partner is a turn-off. Focus on where you’re going, not where you’ve been. Get to know potential connections, don’t tell them about past ones.

When I come across a profile where a man mentions his ex, I tend to pass him by. After all, we haven’t even met yet, why is he already telling me about his ex? I want a man who’s interested in me. With time, we’ll learn each other’s histories, but it’s not a good relationship place to lead from. If you dwell in your romantic past, you may preclude present possibilities.

Don’t: Use Clichés

Clichés are examples of unoriginal thinking. Simply put, they’re lazy. When I come across a profile with a cliché, I pass it by. I want a man who can think and speak for himself, not one who relies on others’ words to express himself.

You can’t stand out from other profiles by using clichés because by definition they’re overused. How many times have you read:

  • I’m a glass half-full kind of person
    • To my mind, the other half of the glass is a legitimate truth not to be ignored. Life has rough patches. I’m not looking to date a Pollyanna but a well-rounded man capable of a broader perspective.
  • Looking for a partner in crime
    • Really? Bonnie and Clyde didn’t end so well. No thank you.
  • Looking for my last first kiss
    • At least romantic, but still unoriginal. And what about all the kisses after that? I hope it doesn’t go downhill from there.
  • I’m not looking for someone perfect, just perfect for me
    • Aren’t we all?

Clichés are a sign of limited thinking. If you want to stand out, you need to find your own words (I’ll help with that!). After all, I don’t know about you, but I’m not looking for ordinary–I’m looking for extraordinary.

Do: Be Original

You are you–what an elite experience! No one else gets to be you, just you. So, who are you? Share the special that you are.

To disentangle yourself from the cliché in your life, flip the cliché and follow your thinking.

You’re probably not really looking for a partner in crime, so what are you looking for? Adventure? Fun? A life companion? What does that look like for you? Rock climbing? Scuba diving? Bike riding? An art museum? Antiquing? Live Music? Fine dining? A romantic getaway? Backpacking? A roadtrip? Paint a picture of what you’re looking for with specifics of your vision so potential matches can clearly see you, and maybe even see themself in your picture.

Instead of saying, “I’m not looking for someone perfect, just someone perfect for me,” be clear–what does that look like? What kind of companion and relationship do you seek? How do you want relationship to feel? Don’t make it a litany of criteria that someone needs to fulfill, rather name the important overriding qualities that you seek.

Here’s the first paragraph of My Summary:

I am looking for someone to share and enjoy life’s journey with. Someone to hold hands with in good times and bad. Someone who can appreciate me for the person I am. I want someone who has depth, compassion, brings out the best in me, can intellectually stimulate me, and who can make me smile and laugh. An intellectual man who can make me laugh is a turn on (Yes, I’m sapiosexual). I need someone who can keep up with me and keep me on my toes–I like a good repartee.

It’s not a list of must-haves nor is it cliché, but it does give you the sense of the kind of man and relationship I seek. What and who are you looking for? Paint that picture in your own words, as only you can.

Don’t: Be Defensive or Apologetic

In the context of a dating profile, being defensive and apologetic are both reactionary. Your dating profile shouldn’t be reactionary to your prior dating experience, but proactive about the experience you want to have.

Being defensive is generally a passive-aggressive behavior. Not a good place to live, and there’s nothing to defend against with potential matches you haven’t met yet. Avoid being defensive.

Likewise, avoid apologizing in your profile. It comes off as weak and ineffectual in a situation where you don’t have anything to apologize for–you haven’t met these people yet. Your profile is a step toward meeting the right person. Save apologies for when you genuinely need to make amends.

Or, this example: “Sorry for no photos of…(i.e., being shirtless, bathroom/car selfies, photos with fish, etc.).” In this case, the apology comes off as a disingenuous attempt at humor. This is your first impression, sidestep the sarcasm. It’s okay to acknowledge the negatives of dating, but don’t over-dwell there. Instead, stay focused on conveying who you are and what you’re looking for and put out an energy (warm, upbeat, nonplussed) that will attract what you hope to find.

Don’t: Overuse Emojis

Emojis can be a fun way to add visual emphasis in casual written communication, but they have a limited capacity for conveying a message. They lack the nuance and specificity of words. Overreliance on emojis as a means of communication reads as unsophisticated and immature. Not how you want to present yourself.

Words are a more effective tool than emojis for expressing who you are and what you hope to find romantically. Don’t be afraid to find your words; you use words all the time. Imagine you’re at a party and someone catches your eye–What would you say to introduce yourself? Write that.

Do: Think of Your Summary as a Conversation

Many people find the idea of writing intimidating. If you’re uncomfortable with the idea of writing Your Summary, reframe the task as initiating a conversation. For now, the conversation is a monologue, but done effectively, it will lead to a dialogue.

We use words to effectively communicate every day. You possess the skill of using words to communicate what you want to express, you just need to get them written down. By framing Your Summary as a conversation rather than an essay assignment, you make it a more approachable task.

Imagine that job interview where you’re asked to, “Tell me about yourself.” Now imagine that job interview is for a romantic partner. Focus on what you would say, then write that down.

If you still aren’t sure, break the task down into more manageable steps. Put a notebook on a table. Walk through your day with the idea of how you would initiate that conversation in person and what you would say. Whenever you get an idea, make a notation to help you get you started.

Once you have some ideas of how to begin that conversation, write a draft of Your Summary. When you’re done, walk away from it for a while. When you’re ready, go back and edit/proofread.

You use words all the time; the only difference is that you’re writing these words down. You can do this.

Don’t: Announce a Profile Update

Whether you’re relatively new to online dating and your profile is a work in progress or you’re a veteran (sigh) who may feel the need to revise over time, it’s normal to update your profile once in a while. When doing so, make the desired updates to your profile without drawing attention to the fact (i.e., writing, “Update:…”) or making an addendum set off at the end of Your Summary. Doing either of these reads as awkward.

In my years on Match, I’ve only seen one effective exception to this–a man who had an accident which paralyzed him, putting him in a wheelchair. He had a distinct before and after in his life. By bringing attention to his update, he was allowing potential matches to see the person he was before the accident and his new life since. Change is part of all our lives, but the very way he’s able to live his life changed dramatically. For most of us, it’s simply best to revise our summaries quietly.

Thinking of Your Summary as a romantic version of your resume, imagine that resume in an electronic format on social media, such as LinkedIn. When you update your LInkedIn profile, you wouldn’t write “Update,” you’d simply revise or add to your resume so that the changes were integrated without announcing that you were doing so. Handle Your Dating Summary similarly. Maintain Your Summary in a way so that it matches your current truth without broadcasting updates.

Don’t: Write a Disclaimer

If you have to qualify Your Summary with a disclaimer such as, “Please read with the humor intended…,” or, “…not meant to insult,” (I’ve seen both) then you’ve probably written something you shouldn’t have (They did.). What they wrote wasn’t particularly funny and, despite the disclaimer, was potentially insulting. They failed to manifest what they were going for (humor) and risked being alienating. Not everyone is going to be your person, but remember to conduct yourself with dignity and kindness. Those qualities go a long way toward being a good human being, regardless of the context.

Do: Relax

Frankie aside, even if writing isn’t your favorite thing or a natural talent, you can do this. Dread will only make the task more daunting. Don’t let writing Your Summary get the better of you, and don’t avoid it. Be yourself, and remember to think of Your Summary as the beginning of a conversation.

Final Thoughts

The Summary part of your dating profile is your opportunity to effectively represent who you are and the kind of match you’re looking for. It’s you introducing yourself to someone who catches your eye at a party. How would you present yourself? What would you say? If you don’t find your words, you miss your opportunity. Your Summary is your chance to find your words, introduce yourself, and attract potential matches.

To make Your Summary as effective as possible, keep in mind the guidelines in my last few posts (past posts in this series are linked below). In my next post, I’ll give you more ideas for crafting Your Summary. Meanwhile, good luck out there!

Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

More Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

Up Next: Crafting Your Dating Profile Summary

More Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

/ blackbirddiaryblog / 2 Comments

The Summary is a core part of your dating profile and too often neglected by dating platform users. Don’t make this common mistake. Your Summary is your best opportunity to showcase who you are and what you’re looking for. It’s your best chance to stand out from other profiles and draw in the right potential matches. If you’re serious about finding right connection, then you need to take your dating profile seriously, using all the tools at your disposal to help you achieve your desired outcome, including writing an effective Summary. If the idea of writing a Summary is intimidating to you, don’t worry–I’m here to help you with that!

Your dating profile is akin to a professional resume; it should be both an honest and favorable representation of yourself. Much like a job search, with dating you’re looking for a right fit. In appraoaching writing Your Summary, envision the dating platform as a social event, a party, or a romantic networking opportunity. Keep these frameworks in mind as we go forward, using them to help guide you in how you represent and write about yourself to potential matches, with an emphasis on being authentic and your best you.

Don’t: Tell Potential Matches Who They Are or Should Be

This is a common profile blunder. It’s a clumsy attempt at explaining the type of potential match a user is looking for. While it has the immediacy of seeming to talk directly to potential matches by saying, “You are..,” it’s also presumptuous from the standpoint of telling an individual who they’re supposed to be, with the implication that if they aren’t that, they’re somehow wrong.

You have a lot of potential matches looking at your profile, don’t incidentally alienate them because you’re painting a picture of what they’re supposed to live up to. Just because, “You are,” is a common profile practice, doesn’t make it best practice. Let me show you a better way…

Do: Say Who and What You’re Looking For

Instead of telling potential matches who they are, straightforwardly say the kind of match you’re looking for. Don’t make it an exhaustive list of a fantasy-mate that strays into “You are” territory, instead, name important qualities that you’re attracted to and hope to find in a match. This is the Who of what you’re looking for.

My own profile mentions that I’m looking for an intellectual man who can make me laugh, that I pair well with artistic types and alphas, and that I have a pattern of attraction for men of Mediterranean descent. I begin with the non-negotiables (intellect and humor), then mention some qualities that I find attractive but are non-essential.

We all have certain qualities that we’re attracted to. Figure out what qualities are most essential for you and name them–keep this list small. If you have some other qualities that are desirable or attractive, name them too, but frame them as non-essentials. The longer your list of must-haves and wants gets, the narrower the pool of possibilities, the less potential matches will be able to see themselves, and the more you limit your own experience by not being open to the beauty of exploring the niches of an individual. Try to be clear on the important aspects of who you’re looking for while maintaining an openness to the possibility of learning a new individual. You might be pleasantly surprised by who you find!

Years ago, one of the key things that drew me to Stanley’s profile was that after telling about himself, he posed the question, “And what about you?” It made me feel like he really wanted to get to know me, rather than telling me who I was supposed to be. Stanley and I went on to date for four years.

Consider how you can invite the possibility of the individual in your own profile. Ask potential matches who they are, rather than tell them who they should be. Let them feel like you want to get to know them, not that they need to measure up to certain criteria. Remember the party analogy? You wouldn’t walk up to someone at a party and tell them who they should be, you’d ask about them. So, try posing a question…

  • What do you like to do?
  • Does that sound like you?
  • Where would you like to go?
  • What should we do for our first date?
  • Shall we meet for coffee? A drink? Dinner?

…or, simply state as part of Your Summary, “”Now that I’ve introduced myself,” or “Enough about me“,…

  • I want to get to know you.
  • I want to learn about you.
  • Tell me about you(rself).

It’s also a good idea to be clear on the What of what you’re looking for. Match has a place in the Stats where you can state your Dating Intention, but it’s good to clarify for potential matches What you’re looking for in relationship as this is an area where it will be important to be on the same page. If you know what you want, whether it be a serious relationship or casual dating, be clear about that. If you’re not sure what you want yet, that’s okay, state that. You might have great chemistry with someone, but if you don’t want the same thing from relationship, that sets one or both of you up for disappointment. Information is good. It allows for people to make informed decisions. If someone wants something vastly different from you relationship-wise, you’re giving them the information they need to see that you aren’t in the same place.

Don’t: Be Gimmicky

Don’t be so desperate to stand out from other profiles that you go gimmicky. Stand out for who you are, not the gimmick you use. Gimmicks tend to come off as contrived. For example…

  • The guy who wrote a list of things he isn’t instead of focusing on who he is.
  • Pretend reviews, such as “One helluva guy,” KC Star...please show me or tell me why you’re a great guy instead of relying on a fictional review.

It’s okay to get creative with your profile, but in doing so, beware the gimmick. Instead, strive for authenticity and to be your best you. You are enough. You don’t need to hide behind a gimmick.

Don’t: Be Disingenuous

Don’t grossly misrepresent yourself in an attempt at humor. This is not only ineffective, but also comes off as both false and unfunny–not how you want to present yourself to potential matches. A few examples I’ve seen:

  • “JUST RELEASED FROM PRISON“–As a joke, not funny. If not a joke, even more problematic. And yes, he used the CAPS lock, really emphasizing his point. Not a good way to get attention.
  • “not very good with money…I need yours and your kids [sic] piggy bank. Currently living under an overpass…My parents won’t even let me move back…”–That was as much as was visible to read without actually clicking on his profile. Needless to say (but I’ll say it), I didn’t click to read further.
  • “Me: 16 kids (that I know of) by 5-6 baby mamas, gov. check clears by the 1st, double wide that only leaks when it rains, and good conduct voucher by my parole officer…” This was followed by one surprise and four crying/laughing emojis. He apparently thought he was hilarious. Did you think so? I didn’t.

Their attempts at humor were not only unsuccessful at drawing positive attention, but actively a turn off–the opposite of what they were presumably trying to accomplish. Better to not try humor at all than be unfunny. Don’t pretend to be something or someone you’re not, even in jest. Just be yourself. You are enough.

Do: Proofreed

Did it bother you that I misspelled proofread? If so, that’s exactly my point. Every potential match isn’t going to be an English major, but remember to consider your dating profile akin to a professional resume–take it seriously and represent yourself well. You don’t want misspellings and grammatical errors to be the thing that potential matches notice about your profile. Proofreading doesn’t take much time and there are tools that can help you. You (and your match!) are worth the effort.

Don’t: Use Quotes From Other People

…or if you do, choose ONE that really resonates with you, and explain why. I’ve been reading the book Wanderlust: A History of Walking by Rebecca Solnit which has a tickertape ribbon of quotes about walking running along the bottom of each page, one page into the next. Eventually, I abandoned reading the quotes altogether as I found they distracted from the content of the book, versus a book which leads each chapter with a single focused quote to set the tone.

Don’t distract potential matches from the content of your profile (YOU!) with a series of quotes written by other people. Your profile should be about you, using your words, not hiding behind someone else’s. Using someone else’s words instead of your own is a passive move, not an assertive one. Remember to think of the dating platform as a party–you aren’t going to go up to someone at the party and start quoting a bunch of other people, you’d find your own words. Do the same with your profile. Think about how you’d introduce yourself at that party and use that as a starting point. You can do this!

Do: Tell Any Non-Negotiables and Truths

Be upfront and honest about your truths, the places where you’re inflexible. This saves both you and potential matches time, and it spares hurt feelings down the road if you’re incompatible.

I’ve seen men disclose all kinds of truths on their profiles:

  • Faith (i.e., “I’m looking for a Christian woman.”)
  • Sexual Proclivities (i.e., the subtle, “I like to be in charge, if you take my meaning.“)
  • Disease (i.e., herpes, MS, cancer)
  • Disability (i.e., paralysis)
  • Unwillingness to date long-distance
  • Dating Intention (i.e., LTR, hoping to (re)marry, not looking for anything serious)
  • No Rodeo Girls (a guy in Montana that wasn’t feeling it with the rodeo girls)
  • Politics (i.e., No Trumpers)
  • Children at home (i.e., a man in his sixties raising a young child)

I always appreciate it when a man is honest about his truths. It allows me to discern whether his truth is something that’s incompatible with my own truths or something that’s workable and/or a point of compatibility. As someone who dates long distance, if a man is clear that he isn’t willing to go the distance, I know to move on.

Years ago, I saw a profile of a man who disclosed that he had herpes in his profile. I thought his openness about it was a brave move. It was his truth and he was forthcoming about it. It’s a conversation that he would have to have with any serious potential matches, and he chose to be upfront about it. By doing so, he could be assured that anyone who did contact him found his truth manageable and was genuinely interested. No surprises on either end.

You don’t need to share all your truths, but consider what truths are non-negotiable, what you feel comfortable sharing, and what is important enough to save both you and potential matches time in discerning your compatibility or lack thereof. In doing so, make sure to say your truth(s) with kindness, not as if it is a failing if someone doesn’t match with your truth.

Final Thoughts

If you want matches to take your profile seriously, then you need to take it seriously as well. That isn’t to say your profile should be humorless, just that it should be given thoughtful consideration. Like your professional resume, it’s how you get your foot in the door and maximize opportunity. This is your first (and possibly last) impression. Make it count by putting your best authentic self out there!

If the idea of writing Your Summary is still an intimidating prospect, don’t worry! In a future post, I’ll guide you through how to craft Your Summary. Meanwhile, Good luck out there!

The original post in this series: Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

Up Next: Even More Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts–Your Summary

Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

/ blackbirddiaryblog

As a longtime subscriber to Match, I’ve noticed over the years that the most neglected part of profiles is the Summary. While it can be intimidating to write about yourself, this is a core part of your profile, and it’s your best opportunity to showcase your personality. This is the part of your profile where potential matches can really get a sense of who you are and if they might be interested.

Myself, when a man neglects this part of his profile, I move on. I want a man who has something to say, not one who struggles to find words. Don’t allow good potential matches to pass you by because you haven’t adequately addressed this part of your profile.

Think of your profile as your dating resume. Just as a resume represents who you are to a potential employer, your profile represents yourself to a potential mate. You want to stand out from the crowd, draw the right connection(s) in, and grab their interest– the Summary is the part of your profile where you can most effectively achieve this.

In the next few posts, I’ll guide you through some Dos and Don’ts of the Summary, as well as provide tips in how to craft Your Summary.

Don’t: Say You Don’t Know What to Write

…even if that’s how you feel, and it’s okay to feel that way. Your Summary is where you say something about yourself, saying that you don’t know what to say may be genuine, but it also reads as insecure. This is your first impression, maximize it. Think of your dating profile as a resume, a medium to show who you are, not a place to advertise your insecurities.

Do: Say Something

I continue to be surprised by how many profiles neglect to say anything at all, relying only on photos and stats to connect. This presents as apathetic–not an effective way to market yourself. If you want good results, you need to advertise yourself, giving potential matches a sense of who you are and what you’re looking for.

Alternately, I’ve seen profiles where the Summary space was filled with symbols and emojis in an attempt to use up characters. That’s gibberish and possibly worse than saying nothing at all. Think of the dating platform as a party where you have the opportunity to meet and interact with different people. Would you rather stand next to someone who’s silent at a party or someone who’s speaking in tongues? Myself, I’d walk across the room and find some different company altogether.

To follow the party analogy, use Your Summary to introduce yourself. Imagine that you see someone at a party that you’re interested in meeting. How would you present yourself? If you don’t find your words, you miss your opportunity. Your Summary is your chance to find your words, introduce yourself, and attract potential matches.

In a future post, I’ll provide tips for writing Your Summary. For now, if you’re unsure where to start, begin with a short paragraph about the things/people/values/activities/places that are most important to you. Or you can tell about one something in more depth. Or you can tell a story about yourself. Imagine yourself at that party talking to a potential match.

Don’t: USE ALL CAPS

WHEN I SEE A SUMMARY WITH ALL CAPS, I THINK, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!”

It’s so much softer to use normal text and a relief to read after extensive CAPS, don’t you think? I can only surmise that the people who use CAPS think it’s attention-grabbing, but really it’s off-putting. Avoid the CAPS lock.

Don’t: Complain

…especially about dating and profiles! By being negative, you risk turning off potential matches. Instead of leading with negative experience and poor taste levels, put your best self forward and articulate the kind of match you’re hoping to find. Should you find your match, you’ll have plenty of time to laugh about all the crazy profiles, characters, and dates you’ve been on before you found each other.

I’ve seen many versions of complaining, but none of them land well. Complaining at me about profiles that I didn’t write and dates that I didn’t go on is like telling me not to do things I haven’t done. It’s annoying. A profile with venting, rants, or a lecture isn’t going to lure anyone in. It doesn’t make a good first impression, and it’s a move that may preclude further interaction. This doesn’t mean your complaints are illegitimate, just that your profile isn’t the place to air your grievances. Complain to friends, family, your therapist, God, or a bartender, but not to the matches you’re trying to attract.

The only work-arounds are a passing comment (rather than a focused commentary) or the effective use of humor. In my own profile, I emphasize the value of authenticity and that being disingenuous is not okay in my world. I’m to the point and leave it at that. As to humor, I’ve seen some profiles that pull off a joke about a dating annoyance, but be careful–if it isn’t effective and potential matches see you as simultaneously complaining AND not-funny, you’ve sunk your boat. If you’re not sure you can pull off a light joke effectively, then don’t attempt. If you can make a light joke or a slight nod to an annoyance, that’s okay, but don’t let your frustrations overtake your profile, because ironically, once you do, you become a profile to complain about.

Dating is hard, and there’s plenty of bullshit that goes along with it. I have my pet peeves and annoyances too, but I don’t put a litany of them in my profile. Don’t let the wrong people take up too much of your energy. There are more wrongs than rights in dating, if there weren’t, it wouldn’t be so hard. Conserve your energy for right connection. Use your profile to attract the kind of person you want to be with, not rant about the people you don’t. You only need one person to be the right connection, don’t risk turning them off because of all the wrongs. The wrongs are actually doing you a favor by showing you they’re unsuitable–they’re saving you time. It’s frustrating that it’s so hard to find right connection, but it’s better than settling for wrong. Find a profile annoying? Just pass it by and move on…

Don’t: Rely on Your Friends to Describe You

In saying this, I contradict Match advice which encourages users to ask friends to describe them. That’s better than saying nothing at all. Match wants its users to have enough success in their dating experience to encourage platform loyalty. Users will generally have more success if they have something written in their Summary than if they don’t, and Match wants to make it as easy as possible for you to have a good experience, including relying on your friends’ input to write your profile.

For someone feeling intimidated and uncomfortable about writing their Summary, asking friends for input is easy and makes a somewhat daunting task more approachable–but it’s also a crutch, a passive move. Myself, when I see a profile where a man has to ask friends to describe himself, I skip on by. I want a man who knows himself and who can articulate who he is. Don’t allow good possibilities to pass you by because you didn’t put the effort into your profile or yourself.

Returning to the party analogy, Your Summary is where you’re introducing yourself. At that party, imagine that you see someone who piques your interest. You could ask a friend to go over with you and help you talk to them, or you could be assertive and go over and introduce yourself. The latter is the stronger and more attractive move. We aren’t in high school anymore.

We’re all grown-ups here, and we’ve all done plenty of living at this point. Hopefully, some self-reflection and self-awareness has come along with that. Self-awareness is an attractive quality. Pour that self-knowledge into your profile rather than relying on others. Remember, your dating profile is akin to your professional resume, and just as you would take your resume and job search seriously, if you’re serious about finding romantic connection, then you need to take your dating profile seriously. 

I want you to successfully find the relationship you seek rather than be perpetually reliant on a dating platform, constantly seeking. To facilitate this, your profile should be as effective as possible, to aid in attracting the right potential matches and to stand out from other profiles–that includes putting yourself out there assertively so potential matches can get a sense of who you are. If this is still an intimidating prospect for you, don’t panic–I’ll have a future post to help guide you in writing Your Summary. You can do this!

Do: Be Authentic

Approach writing Your Summary as representing your true self as authentically as possible in order to find someone who appreciates you for who you are. This is your opportunity to invite potential matches into your world. The more thoroughly you can paint that world, the more inviting it is to the right connection.

Imagine yourself at that party, not just making small talk, not just trying to impress, but finding someone who you really connect with, someone who the more you talk to, the more you want to know–someone who you could talk to for hours. You don’t find that kind of connection without being authentic. By leading with authenticity, you enhance your chance of attracting the right matches and finding deeper connection.

Rather than using your profile as an attempt to impress, use it as an opportunity to make yourself come across on the page, like a well-written character in a book. My favorite profiles are when I can get a sense of the person and their personality. Even if they aren’t right connection for me, such profiles standout and are a pleasure to read, like meeting someone at a party and having a good conversation, even if they aren’t The One.

Final Thoughts

Your Summary is a core part of your profile, and it shouldn’t be neglected. It’s your best opportunity to represent who you are and to attract the kind of potential matches you’re seeking. Make the effort to show who you are and to stand out from the crowd. Introduce yourself and enjoy the party!

If you enjoy my posts and know someone else who might, please spread the word! http://www.blackbirddating.com

Up Next: More Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts–Your Summary

Dating Don’t: Create or Accept Competition

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Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt like you had competition? It’s not a good feeling. By definition, competition creates winners and losers. A healthy relationship is about partnership, not rivalry.

Years ago, I dated Stanley, who had a codependent relationship with his ex. Throughout our relationship, I felt like the beauty queen who only had the title because the real winner abdicated. I constantly felt like the runner-up. Unfortunately, at the time, my self-worth was low enough that I let the situation continue longer than I should’ve, before I, too, abdicated my title.

I deserved better. Fortunately, I eventually realized that and moved on. But, he done me wrong. If you really care about someone, you need to prioritize THAT person, not make them feel in competition with an ex or anyone else. If someone in the relationship is feeling devalued, why would they stay? Ultimately, I didn’t.

Edward was the first man I dated after extricating myself from that relationship. Our first date went well–we had good chemistry, conversation flowed easily, we had fun. A few days later I drove to Chicago to stay with him. Though an accomplished man–pilot, real estate dabbler, business owner–Edward’s also an introvert. As we spent more time together, I got the sense that he felt somewhat emasculated by my strong female energy.

This gave me pause, but the real problem arose when we out with his best friend Sally. I felt marginalized the entire night. Sally was married, but Edward was clearly in love with her. Having just removed myself from a similar situation, I wasn’t going to tolerate that again. When I’m with a man, I expect to be the female he’s focused on, no split-screen scenarios. By the same token, make sure potential matches are focusing on you, and that you’re feeling prioritized in your relationship.

After Edward, came CJ. When we were together, his attention was centered on me, and when he looked at me, he made me feel like I was the only woman alive. On the heels of Stanley and Edward, this was both relief and reward. Ultimately, we didn’t work as a couple because we were very different people, yet I treasure him because of the way he treated me and made me feel.

With David, I was THE woman. He never made me feel like I was in competition with another woman for his affection. He had female friends and colleagues, his best friend was female, but I was THE woman. It was part of what made being us so special, and why I grieved so deeply when our relationship ended. That same sense of us is a feeling that I’ve been seeking ever since.

Of late, when I’ve looked at profiles on Match, if a man feels the need to mention his ex on his profile (i.e., “friendly with ex”), I’ve moved on. Rather than talking about her, they should be telling me about themself and asking about me. At some point, exes will come up, but if someone leads with that, it’s problematic.

We’ve all done some living, and we all have histories. Our history is part of us, but we must manage our past in a way that doesn’t undermine our present and future. There are times that we need to grieve failed relationships and lost loved ones, but if we hold too tightly to the past, we don’t leave enough room to adequately accommodate someone new. Don’t focus on the rearview mirror; watch where you’re going. My former beaus have all failed me in some way. They’re part of my story, but I don’t tightly cling to their memory, instead, my heart is open to the man who doesn’t fail me, the man who does right by me.

In the course of writing this post, I’ve acquired a beau. One of the things that drew me to his profile is that he said, “The next 10 years are going to be the best 10 years of my life and I want to find the right person to share them with.” That’s the kind of vision I want in relationship.

To protect the possibility of what we can be, I need to ensure that I make him feel prioritized, that he feels like THE man, and that my focus is on him, where we are, and where we’re going. As someone who’s fiercely monogamous, this is my natural inclination. However, as a longtime single, I’ve had a few male connections with squishy boundaries–men with whom relationship didn’t make sense, but with whom flirtation was fun. Now that I have a beau, I’ve firmed up those boundaries. They can’t give me the kind of relationship I want; perhaps Peter can. If I have Peter’s attention, I don’t need the attention of other men.

Several months ago, a former connection, SB in KC, reached out to reexplore the possibility of relationship. He texted, called, and friend-requested me on Facebook. Upon looking at his FB feed, there were several flirty pictures of him with attractive women “friends.” He was prominently advertising their attentions. Huge turn-off. He seemed to lack solid boundaries with his women friends, and I had no interest in wading into that.

My friend Kate dated a man who, like Stanley, failed to establish solid boundaries with his ex. Like me, she felt like another woman was routinely intruding on her relationship, a scenario that the men allowed. Like me, Kate ultimately left that relationship. Both relationships lacked a sense of emotional security. Kate and I felt insecure in our commitments because the men didn’t establish appropriate boundaries with their exes, and we weren’t properly prioritized.

Beyond connection and attraction, there needs to be a foundation of trust, respect, and security for a relationship to truly thrive. Creating clear boundaries with others to ensure your romantic partner feels prioritized is essential to building that foundation. Without this, a relationship is on shaky ground.

I have some male friendships that already have solid boundaries. There’s a reason each of these friendships is platonic. As we go forward, it will be Peter’s job not to feel threatened by these friendships. Peter has my attention, and I need to ensure he feels that. He needs to not create a threat where it doesn’t exist. If I didn’t think he was evolved enough to manage that, I wouldn’t be involved with him.

A couple of years ago, I went on a date with a David who was unable to manage that. Our first (and last) date went okay, and the next day we were texting and talking about our plans. When I mentioned I was going to dinner with my friend Ted, a David made clear that he wouldn’t tolerate a woman he was involved with having male friends. Whoa. One date and he was already trying to control me and my circle. He revealed his truth–life with him would be filled with jealousy and an attempt to control and manipulate. That was the end of that.

It’s our job to make our romantic partners feel secure, and we deserve the same in turn. The flip side is that we need to be careful not to bring our insecurities to relationship as a David did to our first-last date. Stanley had his insecurities too. He claimed he wasn’t a jealous man, but not so. When I was on a trip to NYC and didn’t respond to a text promptly, he accused me of having a “boyfriend” in the shower. The reality is that I was walking to brunch with my sister and friend. I’d done nothing wrong and was undeserving of the accusation. I hadn’t created competition; the competition was in his own head.

Jealousy is an ugly feeling. Jealousy isn’t love; it’s insecurity. In relationship, it’s our responsibility to not create cause for jealousy, nor to be jealous without cause. This means no dwelling on the rearview mirror, no lingering gazes at passersby, and no letting our imaginations carry us away. If you’re experiencing feelings of jealousy, truth it out–what real evidence or events is your jealousy based upon?

If it’s unfounded, you need to check it. If you have just cause, then that’s worth exploring, whether you discuss it with your partner or reevaluate the relationship itself. In discerning this, ask yourself–How do you feel? How do you want to feel? Do your answers match or is there some discrepancy?

I’ve been single long enough to recognize quickly whether a man is or isn’t a good potential match for me. I recognized Peter quickly, and one date with a David was more than enough. I wasn’t always so savvy. Sometimes when you connect with someone, it’s clear that you want to walk down the path of relationship. Other times, it takes more discernment, and that’s okay. Do what feels right for you, but in doing so, make sure to treat potential matches with respect and care. Maybe one of them will someday be your special someone, and if they aren’t, you’re still doing them a right, not a wrong.

If you need time to discern a connection or you aren’t ready for exclusivity, you can do that without creating a sense of competition by compartmentalizing rather than advertising your other connections. Be honest about what you are/aren’t ready for, and treat potential connections respectfully. Likewise, respect your potential matches’ need for discernment without feeling threatened. It’s a normal, though uncomfortable, part of dating. If you’re seriously uncomfortable, consider whether moving on would help you better manage your well-being.

Different people have different purposes for dating–long term commitment; a serious relationship; companionship; meeting new people; figuring out who/what they want; and yes, hookups. Whatever you’re looking for, finding connection can be challenging. Dating is emotionally vulnerable. Be mindful of this and sensitive to others, even if they aren’t who you’re looking for. Likewise, pay attention to whether potential matches are being sensitive to you.

If you’re fortunate enough to find that special connection (I hope you are!) and you have emotional security in your relationship, that’s the mother lode. Once you’ve found it, be careful not to squander it by taking it for granted or abusing it. A married aquaintance of mine was upset a couple of years ago when her husband bought her a Christmas gift that she didn’t like. He’d put a lot of thought into it, but she was unappreciative of the thought and effort, instead focusing on her dislike for the gift and making her disappointment clear.

He was prioritizing her and trying to please her, but when the gift didn’t land right, his recompense was a disgruntled wife. He tried to do something special for her; she made it ALL about her. That’s not a positive relationship move. In a healthy relationship, both partners feel emotionally secure and prioritized. A loving partnership isn’t lopsided with one partner prioritized over the other.

Final Thoughts

Whatever your dating or relationship status, be mindful of how you are treating your partner or potential matches and of how you’re treated in kind. Neither create nor tolerate a legitimate cause for jealousy. Prioritize your partner and the person you’re with to create a foundation of emotional security so that your relationship can optimally thrive for whatever possibility it holds.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Flip It

Dating & Mental Health

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The Challenge

How are you?

I ask, because being single and dating can be hard. And it’s okay if you aren’t feeling okay about it. I often haven’t myself. It’s not that I haven’t had some fun along the way–I have plenty of fun memories–but I’ve also had a fair amount of heartbreak and loneliness, and that takes a toll.

Ultimately, my purpose in dating is to find relationship, not to date for the sake of dating itself. I want a lasting connection and partner rather than a revolving door of men. I only need One Man who walks through that door to be a good fit. Until I find Him, I allow the door to keep revolving.

Recently, I heard an NPR interview with comedian Taylor Tomlinson where she posited, “… if you’re really good at dating, you’re done, right? Like, if you’re great at dating, you’re either dating all the time – you’re, like, a serial dater – or you are finished, and you found the love of your life.” I find her assumption terribly naive, but then again, she’s only thirty years old; she speaks from a place of limited experience. Not anyone can be the love of your life. Dating for me isn’t just about finding a relationship. If all I wanted was relationship, I could have that. As a divorcee, I don’t want a relationship, I want right relationship. I’ve done wrong relationship, and I won’t repeat that mistake.

The heartbreak of failed relationships, disappointing dates, and dating droughts are disheartening, but for most of us, it’s an unavoidable part of the process. I have friends who though they’d love a right romantic relationship, they’ve largely given up on dating because of the heartache involved. They don’t want to get hurt again. Who does? Yet if you don’t risk your heart, you close it off from possibility. It’s a choice, play it safe and alone, or risk your heart and put yourself out there in the hopes of finding connection. I choose the latter. It’s both a vulnerable and a strong choice–there’s strength in willingly making yourself vulnerable.

Being single can get lonely, even with a strong support system of family and friends. When I hear talk of the loneliness epidimic on the news, I think, “Oh, they’re talking about me again.” And yet, I’m blessed with two wonderful children, amazing friends, and family who I can count on. Nevertheless, I get lonely. How about you?

Loneliness, heartbreak, and depression are all valid feelings. But while those feelings deserve to be honored, it isn’t healthy to marinate in them. So how can we be proactive? How can we help ourselves through these feelings? How can we honor their validity without being owned by them?

Perhaps you find navigating the ups and downs of dating a breeze. If so, congratulations! I wish I could say the same. But, if you’ve ever found it difficult, read on. Over time, I’ve gotten better at navigating the ups and downs. Maybe some of the tricks I’ve learned can be helpful to you.

Mental Health Gymnastics

I work hard for my mental health. I engage with it daily, striving to be the best version of myself that I can muster. Some days the work is easy, other days it’s a struggle. But I’m worth the work, so I engage with the work. I call this work my “Mental Health Gymnastics.” Mental Health Gymnastics is the flexibility, agility, tricks, and mental-strength training that I do to be an ever-better version of Laura. The work to be a healthier, more well-adjusted me is in turn seen and appreciated by others. I’m well-liked and respected as a result of the work I’ve done. Perhaps most importantly, I like myself.

Here are some elements of my routine:

Therapy

Funny thing, I went decades without seeing a therapist, and it wasn’t my divorce that sent me to therapy again, but dating! Divorce and rebuilding my life were difficult, but I also knew it was the right thing to do. Seeing a therapist never occurred to me as part of that process. It was only after a year of dating (and being dumped by Isaac on the tail end of that year) that I thought I could use some help sorting through all my complicated feelings, insecurities, and hurt, someone to help me wrap my head around this new world I’d waded into.

I determined that I wanted a male therapist. If I was going to get some objective perspective on how to be mentally healthy in the context of dating and relationship, I decided that I needed a man’s perspective. I already have a good understanding of my thoughts and feelings as a woman. If I wanted to get perspective on dating men and how to be in relationship with A man, I needed to access and better understand the male perspective. More than a decade later, I now have much better insight into myself, men, dating, and relationship as a result of the work I’ve done with my therapist and by making the effort to expand my understanding.

Therapy may or may not be for you, but here are a couple of tricks I’ve learned in therapy (My therapist calls them tools, but to my mind they are part of my mental health acrobatic tricks.):

Wise Mind

Wise Mind is a conceptual framework which my therapist introduced me to. As someone who’s both intellectual (I have a minor in Medieval and Renaissance Studies for God’s sake) and emotional (an empath who senses emotional turbulance in others and who can tear up at the most ridiculously sentimental things), it’s a framework that resonates as true for me.

The idea of Wise Mind is to honor both the emotional and the rational. The aim is to balance them, so they work together. Dating can be fraught with emotions–excitement, anxiety, desire, heartbreak. Over the years, I’ve found Wise Mind as a useful framework to help me navigate and balance the emotions of dating and relationship. Without dishonoring my emotions, it helps me step back from them (as much as I can) and engage the intellectual part of myself as I discern and evaluate a situation or a potential match.

Truth it Out

Truthing is another trick I learned from my therapist. Truthing is stepping away from the emotional and being honest about the truth(s) of a situation. When you truth a situation, you avoid letting your emotions take you down the road of “what-if” and indulging in speculation. Instead, you look for the reality or truth of a situation. Anchor yourself in the known and allow for the unknown without letting it get the best of you. You don’t know what you don’t know. Don’t let your imagination run wild. Don’t succumb to your emotions and empower the unknown. Don’t let the unknown sabotage you or a possible connection.

For instance, there could be a lot of reasons why a potential match doesn’t call. Maybe they aren’t that into you. Maybe they’re busy with work. Maybe their sister came by. You could run through a catalogue of possibilities. You could frantically call them. Or you could wait for more information–giving them the grace of time to call when they’re ready and able or calling them yourself from a place of wise-mind. Information is good; it gives you something solid to help discern a situation.

Once you have an awareness of the truth of a situation, you’re better able to deal with and face your reality, rather than creating a fantasy that may crash around you or creating a problem where there wasn’t one.

Combating Anxiety & Self-Doubt

Anxiety and self-doubt go hand in hand. They are partners in sabotage. If you have anxiety about something, whether romantic (i.e., going on a date, wondering if a potential match likes you, worrying that your partner is pulling away) or not (i.e, a work project), you are likely doubting yourself and your ability to succeed or achieve a desired outcome.

I struggled with anxiety and self-doubt for most of my life. Following my divorce, with the stress of recreating a new life and venturing into the emotional roller coaster of dating, I was experiencing high levels of anxiety and self-doubt. Anxiety was the nervous feeling in my gut; Self-doubt was the undermining words in my head. One day, I decided I was tired of feeling that way, both physically and emotionally. So I fought back.

Rather than choose to allow Anxiety and Self-doubt as an inevitable part of myself, I externalized them as monsters that I had unwittingly invited in. They’re monsters that will take up as much room as you allow. To combat them, I talked back to them. When I would feel that feeling in my gut and hear those words in my head, rather than accept them, I would engage with them and confront them.

In 2013, I went to Paris alone. It was my first time abroad in over a decade, and I was doing it alone with very rusty French. I was excited about the trip, but anxious about doing it solo. My first night in Paris, I woke up in the middle of the night with a terrible fit of Anxiety. I tossed and turned in the bed, wrestling with Anxiety, determined not to let it win out and taint my experience of Paris. I literally talked aloud to Anxiety, saying, “I’m going to enjoy Paris. I won’t let you ruin this trip.” After an hour or so, I won the battle, and relaxed back into the sleep. Even better, the rest of the trip was Anxiety-free.

Winning out over Anxiety and Self-doubt was not as easy as flipping a switch. It took mentally rejecting them as part of my experience, then training myself to internalize that I didn’t have to live with them through the practice of talking back to them. I now live largely free of them. They occasionally try to visit me, but they’re unwelcome guests, and I turn them away.

Anxiety and Self-Doubt are not your truth; they are obstacles between you and what you want to manifest. You deserve better. Recognizing that is the first step toward freeing yourself from them.

Mantras

Memory has never been my strong point, so if something’s important and I want to remember it, I write it down. At some point, I started to write down mantras. Mantras can remind yourself of who you want to be, how you want to manifest, and encourage you along the way. I write my mantras down on index cards, and I flip to new ones each day. I have dozens (hundreds?) of mantras. Some examples:

  • Live your full spectrum.
  • Shit happens. Flip it. Make shit happen.
  • Relax.
  • Maintain momentum.
  • Keep it classy.
  • Enjoy being you; nobody else gets to.

Sometimes my mantras have served as Fake it until you make it–me trying to will myself to embody something I wanted to be (i.e., No self-doubt), but wasn’t feeling yet. With time, I’ve “graduated” from some of my mantras, taking them out of circulation and retiring them, because I no longer need them. Don’t worry about what other people think–Okay, I won’t. You are worthy. Yes, I am.

Over time, I’ve started to add compliments that I receive to my mantra collection. These serve as reminders that someone saw something special in me and was generous enough to share it. They also serve as a reminder to continue to be worthy of such a compliment. For instance:

  • I find your knowledge, insights, and enthusiasm incredible…you are amazing…Thank you for everything -Gregory, a former beau
  • Girl, you look fabulous! –Anonymous gay man on the street
  • I wish I could see you every day! –Shelby, a friend

What positive self-messaging do you need to hear? What do you want to embody that you aren’t already? What compliments have you received that you want to hold onto? Would it be helpful to write it down as a visual reminder?

Things That Make Me Happy

I have a written list of things that bring me happiness. On dark days, this list serves as reminder of why to keep going, what makes life worthwhile. They are things in my life that I make sure to I engage with regularly. They help me cope on the hard days. I have a rule about the list–no man can ever be on my list. It’s a list of things that bring me joy completely independent of a man or my relationship status.

Things That Make Me Happy:

  • My boys
  • Travel
  • Art
  • Nature
  • Fashion
  • Friends
  • Walking
  • Reading
  • Writing
  • Music
  • Wine
  • Film
  • Dancing
  • Aerial silks
  • Ginger (our cat)

What’s on your list?

Travel

Travel is one of the Things That Make Me Happy. It’s crucial to my well-being. Ironically, travel is both an essential part of my life and an escape from my life. It’s so important to me that I always make sure that I either have a next trip planned or that I’m actively planning one.

Winter is particularly hard on me. Living in Nebraska, our winters aren’t mild. I don’t like being cold (and I get cold easily), and I find the darkness oppressive. This past year, I turned my SAD light on in September, before the Equinox. Ouch. Knowing that winter is difficult for me both physically and psychically, I’ve learned that a mid-winter getaway to somewhere more temperate (i.e., Clearwater, Florida) helps me break up the bleak cold oppressiveness of the season, making it more manageable. A mid-winter getaway is me prioritizing myself and my mental health. I come back refreshed, and I’m also more pleasant to be around once I’ve got the winter-grouchies out of my system.

What gives you respite and refresh in your life? Are you making time for whatever it is? For yourself? Please do; You deserve it.

Walking and Workout

Being fit is a core personal value. I work hard to stay in shape. While I do some strength training, stretches, and flexibility work, these days, my primary workout is walking. I walk EVERY day. For me, walking serves the purpose of helping me stay in good physical shape, while also being very meditative and supporting my mental health. My walks give me physical and mental peace. They allow me to sort through things, let go of things, get new insights, learn something (if I listen to a podcast), or quiet my brain, depending on the day and what I need.

What helps you find a healthy mental space?

Looking Good; Feeling Good

I work hard to stay fit, but I also make the effort to look polished when I go out. At 52, I can still turn heads. Even if I’m making a run to the grocery store in athletic wear, I never look like a slouch. I do my hair and put on Chanel No. 5 every day. It makes me feel good about myself. By feeling good about the way I present myself to the world, it reinforces my confidence. As someone who has suffered from insecurities in the past, this is no small feat. I deserve to feel good. So do you.

How do you present yourself to the world? Do you feel good about yourself? I hope so, but if you’re unsure, what you could do to make yourself feel even better?

Get Out There

As a single, I spend plenty of time alone and plenty of time at home. I love my home, but too much time at home can lead to that feeling of social isolation that we all experienced during the pandemic. I once read that the opposite of depression is activity. During the pandemic our activity was limited, and depression rates soared. Depression can make you feel unsociable, yet counteracting depression requires engaging with life.

I make a point of balancing the comfort of home with getting out and actively participating in life–a movie, an art show, a performance, drinks or dinner with a friend. I try to get out at least once every weekend. On the occasion that I don’t have weekend plans, I may even go out to Happy Hour by myself. I’ve had some great conversations with strangers who I met because I was out by myself and approachable. Going out helps fight the loneliness, giving me an external and social stimulation that I can’t get at home.

Are you satisfied with the level that you are actively participating in life and going out? If not, what do you want to get out and do? Where would you like to go? Why not go there and do that? You deserve to get out and have some fun.

Friends

Friends can’t solve your problems, but they can be a good ear and hold your hand through them. A good friend will listen to you and make you feel like you have someone in your corner; they will make you feel like you aren’t alone. They won’t try to tell you what you should do, unless you specifically ask them for guidance. Recognize who the people are that are there for you when you really need a friend.

I’m fortunate to have several friends in my life who I know I can count on whether I’m having a tough day or a dark period. Ed was my rock through my divorce. Kate and Michele were my support system when I was in a toxic relationship. Isaac, the first person I called when David and I broke up, once told me if I’m unhappy to call him–what a wonderful invitation! Don’t underestimate the power of a good friend when you’re in a dark place. You’re not alone; you deserve to know that someone cares.

Who are the friends you can count on in your life?

Giving Grace to Self and Others

We’re all fallible; we all make mistakes. It’s an inevitable part of being human. If you disappoint yourself or fail to live up to your best you, it’s okay. Don’t be too hard on yourself; give yourself grace.

I’m a recovering perfectionist. Oy, if that isn’t a problematic way to live. Perfection is never attainable, so by opting for perfectionism, I set myself up for failure. Living in constant disappointment with yourself is a dispiriting way to live. Fortunately, I gave that up.

I once read that, “Sin is simply a failure to bother to love.” Love is what the Universe asks of us. That includes self-love. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself the grace of not having to be perfect or live up to unrealistic standards. As long as you’re trying to be your best you, that’s all you can do. We can’t always be at our best, all we can do is try. That’s enough. You are enough.

When you fall short of your best, make amends if you need to. Right your wrongs the best you can. Do it for yourself as much as others. There’s grace in that.

Moving out of dark period last year, I reflected on some interactions with a few former beaus where I hadn’t misbehaved, but I also hadn’t manifested my best self. Trying to move into a better head-space, I sent them each an email, explaining how I wished I’d handled myself better and that I hoped they were well. The act of doing so made me feel better, and the men let me know they appreciated the gesture.

Do your best to extend grace to others as well. That’s part of Love. I do my best as I go out in the world to walk in Love. Some days it’s hard, but that’s who I strive to be. It doesn’t mean that I allow others to take advantage of me nor that I ignore egregious behavior. It means that I start from a place of Love.

Grace is accepting someone’s humanity. It’s a gift of Love. Accept your humanity and know that you are loveable.

Growth Mindset

Growth Mindset is the belief that a person’s abilities and skillset aren’t fixed, but can be expanded through experience, practice, and learning. This can apply to anything–math, learning a language, dancing, sports, car repair, music, woodworking, etc. The more information you get about something, the more you practice it, the better you become. Some people have innate talent for certain things, but even if you don’t, you can still improve.

As an academic interventionist, I work with students who are achieving below grade level. Their academic foundation is shaky. I work with them to solidify that foundation, to give them skillsets they’re missing and to unconfuse their confusions. Many of them come to me saying things such as, “I can’t read,” or “I’m not good at math.” I tell them that my job is to make it easier. I coach them and help them practice the hard things, and with time, it gets easier. They grow their skillset, but they also feel successful and more confident.

We can do that with our mental health as well. Just as a gymnast gets stronger, more agile, and more flexible with training, we can do the same with mental health gymnastics. If we’re mindful and put in the work, we can keep evolving toward better. Don’t feel limited by who you are and how you are feeling today. Work today, to be better tomorrow. I cope with my hardships in a much healthier way than I used to, but I’m certainly not done. There’s always a better version of me ahead.

Of course, that doesn’t mean there won’t be setbacks. Life has a funny way of creating obstacles for us. All we can do is the best we can with each day we’re given, allow ourselves grace on the bad days, and remember there’s a tomorrow.

Final Thoughts

Dating is a vulnerable place to live. There’s strength in willingly putting yourself in that vulnerable place. We must allow ourselves to be emotionally vulnerable and keep our heart open so that we can allow Love and Connection in. We must take care of ourselves and heal our hurts when they do happen, so that we can open our heart to someone new.

Dating is commonly referred to as a game. We can’t control our experience, the hand we’re dealt, the break-ups and defeats, but we can strategize how we play our hand. We can learn to play a better game and to be better than the game. We can’t count on having a winning hand, but if we don’t play the game, we can’t win at it. Hopefully, some of my tricks (or tools, if you prefer) help you as you play, and though the game itself may not be your idea of fun, nevertheless, try to have some fun while you’re playing it.

Finally, though I have struggled with mental health issues in my life (depression, anxiety, an eating disorder), I’m not a trained mental health practioner. I share with you what I’ve learned and what has worked for me as I engage with my mental health. If you are truly in despair, please seek professional help or call 988 The Suicide & Crisis Hotline. You deserve help, and you deserve to feel better.

Take care of yourself, and Good luck out there!

Up Next: Dating Don’t–Create or Accept Competition

Relationship Values: Show Up

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December 31, 2021, I had a NYE date scheduled in Kansas City with SB. We’d been talking for about a month, we both had the holiday free, and we thought it’d be a fun first date. SB went to some lengths to charm and fete me. He made dinner reservations and planned our entertainment. He bought a plane ticket to fly me down (Funny, I thought. After all, it’s only a three and a half-hour drive, and I’d fly through Denver, not direct. But it was a kind gesture, he really wanted to do it, so I went with it.). He even rented a condo for me on his floor, so I could do as I chose and still be in close proximity. Nice, right?

The date never happened. A few days before our date, SB tested positive for COVID. Disappointing, but things happen. Whaddya do?

His illness was understandable. What bothered me about the situation was the slow fade afterward. His communication shifted, becoming more irregular, and suddenly, I was initiating most of the interactions. Initially, I gave him some grace for coming off an illness, but the pattern of interaction had definitely altered, and eventually I inquired point-blank whether he’d lost interest. He claimed that wasn’t the case, yet his words didn’t match his actions–He was no longer showing up. So, I let it go. I want a man who shows up. I deserve to feel wanted. If I don’t, I won’t waste my time.

Several months ago, SB came back around with renewed interest. He friend-requested me on Facebook, he called, and he even asked me out again. This time around, I was wary. He’d already demonstrated that he was inconstant, and I want a partner I can count on. (The FB photos he posted of attractive women snuggling up to him didn’t help his case.) Ultimately, this go-round, I passed.

Showing up is active, not passive. It’s a behavior that demonstrates value. If someone is showing up for you, it demonstrates that they value you enough to take action. Likewise, if you value someone, you ought to be showing up for them.

It used to be, that when someone I was interested in didn’t show up for me, I took it personally. It’s not that it doesn’t hurt when that happens, but now I have the confidence to know that there’s nothing wrong with me. If someone isn’t showing up for you, there’s honest grief in that, but consider flipping the situation. Rather than wallow in the grief, recognize that you deserve better. You deserve someone who shows up for you. There may still be grief, however you’re taking an empowering stance.

If someone isn’t showing up consistently, there’s a reason. Perhaps a complicating factor (i.e., long distance, faith, politics, children, etc.) is giving them pause or something’s happened (i.e., they’ve taken ill). Maybe it’s an issue of connection (i.e., the interest is lopsided) or objective (committed relationship vs. nothing serious). Or it could simply be a character flaw (i.e., They’re a flat-out flake.). Give grace when it’s reasonable to do so, such as when SB was ill. But, in the long run, if someone values you, they show up. And if you value someone, you need to show up too.

SB is hardly the only man who’s stopped showing up. If a pattern of interaction changes and someone stops showing up, it’s likely a sign that their level of interest has shifted. I still grieve some of the men in my life who stopped showing up, but I also know that I want and deserve a man who I can count on.

Nor is SB the only man to disappear and pop up again. I think most long-term relationships have weathered a break-up and reconciliation at some point, and I’ve certainly had my share of former beaus come around again. Relationships inevitably have bumps, and it’s important to pay attention to the bumps and how you navigate them both individually and as a couple/connection.

A willingness to be open to reconciliation is giving grace to a potential mate, but with that grace comes the need for both of you to demonstrate that you can show up for each other, as well as work through any other issues you may need to address. When someone who’s been absent reappears, it’s a showing up of sorts, but the real showing up comes with consistency over time. If someone disappears from my life, then reappears, they’re going to have to demonstrate that I can count on them to consistently show up. They’ll need to (re-)earn my trust.

DM is a man who I love but can’t trust to show up. He’s reappeared multiple times in the past few years. Once when he resurfaced, we even scheduled a rendezous in Boulder. I wasn’t sure if I could trust him to show up, but I was willing to give him the chance. We set dates. I found a condo, and he booked it–a good sign of intention, something concrete. Then, as our rendezvous approached, he panicked and cancelled. I was disappointed, but not surprised.

Several months later, he said he wanted to see me again. I was open to the idea, but understandably dubious as to whether he’d follow through. He didn’t. As soon as we started talking specifics, he disappeared again. We have strong connection, and despite everything, I still love him, yet he’s demonstrated that I can’t count on him, and with that, he’s eroded any emotional trust.

For several years, my friend Kate dated a man who’d make vague Saturday night plans with her, then frequently show up really late or not at all. It was frustrating, because she loved him and wanted the relationship to work, but his behavior was hurtful and devalued her. Ultimately, she valued herself more than the relationship, and she moved on. He’d demonstrated that she couldn’t count on him showing up for her, so she showed up for herself.

Showing up isn’t a value just for romantic relationships; it’s a value for all relationships. In college, I had a friend who cancelled plans with some regularity due to not feeling well. It was annoying, but I gave her grace on the understanding that she had a weak immune system. On one such occasion when she cancelled, I went out with my boyfriend instead. I was suprised when we ran into my “sick” friend downtown. I’d given her grace, but her actions and excuse devalued me. How many other times had she done that to me? That encounter taught me where I really stood with her, and that I couldn’t count on her to show up for me as a friend.

Showing up will look different for different people and different relationships. What showing up looks like is dependent on the level of intimacy, how well you know someone, and how long you’ve known someone. Likewise, the frequency is also dependent upon the individuals, their preferences, and the level of relationship. Showing up is not suffocating, it’s affirming. If it feels suffocating to either party, then it’s veered into different territory. Keep your expectations reasonable regarding others and ensure that their expectations are reasonable regarding you.

Information is good, and people are always giving us information about who they are. As you discern the suitability of a potential match, pay attention to their behavior and how they treat you. Some things to consider:

  • Do they contact you regularly and reliably? That said, ensure your expectations are reasonable.
  • When you have plans, do they show up? Do they show up on time?
  • If a difficult situation arises (i.e., work situation, illness, car trouble), do they at the very least lend an empathetic ear? Do they show up in an even bigger way (i.e.,cooking you a meal, helping you fix a flat tire, giving you a ride)?
  • When you have something to celebrate (i.e., a birthday, a promotion, running a marathon) do they genuinely celebrate you?
  • Are you doing that for them?
  • Are they revealing themselves to be someone who you can count on, or are you getting different messaging?
  • What messaging are you sending?

Pay attention to the information people give you. It’s our responsibility to glean the truth of who people are from their actions and to see them for who they truly are. Doing this will help you discern whether someone is a good match for you, and it also gives them the honor of being seen.

Final Thoughts

Who is showing up in your life? Let them know they’re appreciated.

May you be surrounded by beloveds who show up for you, and make sure that you’re showing up for them as well. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Dating & Mental Health

Discerning Your Relationship Values

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So, What are your relationship values? Over the past couple of months, I’ve shared my core relationship values–being seen by my partner; how I feel in the relationship; having a partner who expands my universe; and whether a relationship makes sense to me. Hopefully, this has induced some reflection on your part, because ultimately you neeed to discern your relationship values to help you identify the kind of relationship and partner that you’re looking for. If you already have a strong awareness of your relationship values, then you’re well-positioned. But if you aren’t readily able to pinpoint your relationship values, then I invite you to consider the question.

Look back: Examine What Didn’t Work for You

Part of discerning my relationship values was realizing what hadn’t worked for me in past relationships. The endless frustration of not feeling seen by my ex helped me realize how crucial that is to me in relationship. The emotional drama of my relationship with Stanley made me realize that it was important for me to not only care for a man, but to care about how he made me feel.

Being clear on the reasons I was unhappy in past relationships and looking for themes has empowered me in identifying what I am seeking in relationship and a romantic partner. This in turn, enables me to quickly identify whether a man is or is not a potential match.

Looking back to your past relationships, try to pinpoint why particular relationships were unsuccessful or made you unhappy. Be specific and look for themes. Think inductively. Look at the specifics of why you were dissatisfied in those relationships and try to generalize into themes. There were many things that didn’t make sense in my relationship with Stanley. I know the list of bullet-pointed items and remember the specific incidents, but the empowerment came in recognizing that what it came down to was that our relationship didn’t make sense and that I didn’t want to feel that way anymore.

Keep in mind that no relationship will be perfectly smooth sailing, because all relationships are comprised of imperfect individuals. In discerning what didn’t work in particular relationships, focus on those that were the most problematic to avoid repeating past relationship mistakes. Learn from your journey to discern how to move forward. Figure out what makes sense in your life and what doesn’t.

Look back: Examine What Worked

Just as the shortcomings of past relationships have informed my relationship values, so has the strength of certain connections. Why were David, Damon, and Isaac such powerful connections for me? What about those connections resonated so strongly and made me feel so deeply? Among other things, they all expanded my universe, and I liked the way I felt with them. They were compelling company and I continue to seek those qualities in a potential partner going forward.

Looking back to your past relationships, consider the connections that were most powerful for you, the former lovers who you look back on with the most fondness, even wistfulness. The lovers whose company you savored, who made you feel the way you want to feel. What was it about those connections that resonated so strongly with you, that makes those lovers stand out from the rest? Try to pinpoint specifics and look for themes. If you can identify common qualities, this will help guide you in identifying good potential matches in the future.

Look Inward: What do you Need?

To open yourself to the right person, consider what you can be open to and flexible about in relationship, as well as what your limits and requisites are. A compelling partner who expands my universe is so vital to me that it informs other considerations. Lacking a compelling partner, I’d rather be single. And, in the hope of finding a compelling partner, I opened myself up to dating long-distance to broaden the pool of possibilities. By prioritizing the kind of connection I desire, I created a parameter that narrowed my pool of possibile matches in a way that promotes more satisfying connections, and to counterbalance that narrowing of type, I broadened my geographic pool.

How important is it to you that certain interests are shared with a potential match? Travel is such a core personal value, that I can’t imagine being with a partner who doen’t share that value. Alternately, I’m a pescatarian, but a potential mate’s dietary preferences aren’t particularly important to me. Which aspects of your lifestyle are so core that you can’t visualize a relationship where you don’t share that value with a partner? Which parts of your lifestyle can you be more flexible about, opening yourself up to possibility? The more values that you prioritize, the more you limit your pool of possibilities. Seek to find a balance of having your core needs met, without making a checklist that a potential mate must tick all the boxes of. When you find someone who meets your core values, part of the excitement of connection is exploring the niches of who they are and the preciousness of them as an individual, rather than having an expectation of who they should be. And while it’s important to have some common ground with a partner, it’s also healthy to have a partner who can complement you rather than be your copy.

Religion? Politics? Sexuality? Consider them through the same lens. We all have our personal preferences and perspective, but discern where you can be flexible and open and where your window of flexibility closes. Having a sense of where you are open and where you can’t be will help guide you in your romantic seeking. It can keep you open to possibility, but prevent you from wasting time on someone who isn’t a good fit. Those windows of flexibility and possibility may shift with time and experience; some windows may open and some may close. The important thing is to have an awareness of what your needs and limits are to help you discern who might make a good potential match and who would not.

Look Around: Find Models of the Kind of Relationship you Seek

I know plenty of couples, but there are only a few who have the kind of relationship I seek. As much time as I’ve spent with Michele and Mike, I’ve never seen them disparage, criticize, nit pick, or undercut each other. They playfully tease, but there’s no passive-aggression; they neither poke nor provoke. That’s no small thing. I’ve witnessed plenty of couples bickering over the years, but never them.

That’s not to say they haven’t had bumps to navigate, but they don’t take their relationship or each other for granted. Love and respect are at the foundation of their relationship. They treat each other in a way that promotes and reinforces those values, and that’s what they manifest as a couple. Cooking a meal together (for me!), they work in concert to help each other with tasks, give each other feedback kindly, don’t take things personally, and have fun doing so. They work as a team. There’s always laughter when I visit, but it’s also a safe place to be raw and authentic. And I always leave well-fed!

Consider the couples in your life. Which couple has a relationship that manifests in the way you would like to feel in a relationship? Once you identify such a couple, try to pinpoint the specifics of what it is about their dynamic that you find appealing. Identifying desirable relationship dynamics will empower you to seek and recognize that dynamic or the lack of it in your own relationships.

Look Forward: How do you want Relationship to Feel?

Years ago, newly divorced and just beginning to date, a friend suggested that I look for visuals of how I want relationship to feel, much like a dream board. Unexpectedly, it turned out to be a powerful exercise. Physical Touch being one of my primary love languages, I began by googling images of couples holding hands but found the images strangely unsatisfying. The pictures didn’t quite convey what I was seeking. It wasn’t enough. I realized that I wanted more connection, more physical proximity–the couples were standing too far apart.

When I googled images of couples embracing, I found much more satisfying images–a couple leaning into each other and smiling on the metro; another couple walking down the steet, their arms wrapped around each other’s waists. Once I realized how much I desire that physical connectivity, I realized that I was also seeking a strong soulful intimacy as well, the kind of compelling connection that would likewise foster physical connectivity.

With David, I felt seen and heard; he was a compelling partner who expanded my universe; he/we made sense to me; our dynamic was fun, sexy, stimulating, safe, and supportive. We did not poke nor provoke each other; we didn’t bicker. He felt both like home and an adventure. By the time I got to him, I knew how I wanted relationship to feel, and I felt that way with him. He affirmed my relationship values. That knowledge continues to empower me as I seek another such partner. It enables me to more successfully identify whether a man is the kind of partner/connection that I seek. And that allows me to not waste time on the men who aren’t.

If you can’t readily define how you want relationship to feel, give it worthwile consideration. Without creating an unrealistic checklist, try to be clear on what you want and need to feel in relationship. Have you had any relationships that fostered that? What was it about that/those relationships that made you feel that way? Try to find some images that match how you want relationship to feel, and try to pinpoint your relationship values as specifically as possible. Being clear on what your relationship values are will empower you in your search for a partner who can provide the kind of connection you seek. You are worth that.

Final Thoughts

Once you identify your core relationship values, use them as your anchor as you explore possibilities. Knowing your relationship values will narrow the pool of potential matches in a way that should help you find a better match. Meanwhile, be mindful of where you can still be open to possibility. Openness allows for flexibility and broadens your pool of possibilities. Find the balance of where you can be open and where you cannot to help guide you in a successful search. Ultimately, define how you want to feel and what makes sense to you.

While identifying your relationship values can empower you in your search for a partner/relationship, it’s also important to keep in mind what you are bringing to the dynamic of a relationship. Beware of expecting more than you are able to provide. A relationship is a nuanced dynamic, and a healthy relationship requires two partners working together to tend to the relationship and each other. Make sure that you are able to be such a partner, to more strongly situate you for success in the relationship you seek.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Why Not?

When a (Wo)Man Tells you their Truth, Believe them

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“Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.”  Coco Chanel 

I’ve always been something of a misfit, or to use a more flattering term, unicorn. There’s truth in both terms, because to be so is to feel special and unique as a unicorn, but lonely as a misfit. Dating is hard enough, but this creates additional difficulty, because to be properly matched requires finding another unicorn, someone who speaks my language, who can both hear me and see me. Not everyone can. That’s a large part of why I date long-distance, to find a man who can.

While I have a definite type, more importantly, I’ve been single long enough to become a master of recognizing a special connection and chemistry quickly–it doesn’t happen often. In the past couple of years, I’ve come across such a man on Match about every six months. And like clockwork, I found one recently–right on time.

Our first phone call lasted five-and-a-half-hours. Later that night, we talked for another hour. Easily more time than I’ve spent on the phone with another person in a day. Evan is smart, talented, gracious, and funny. That first conversation he said, “We’re kindred spirits.” Indeed, we are. But, he has a truth that sets a limit on what we can be.

A relationship is whatever two whole individuals determine that their shared space can be. That shared space can be as expansive or as limited as those individuals allow.

Evan was upfront from the beginning that he “doesn’t see a long-distance relationship in the stars” for himself. I’ve been dating long distance for a decade now. I was disappointed but not surprised. For some men, long-distance is a non-issue. Others need to sit with the idea to discern their thoughts and feelings. And for some men, such as Evan, it’s a solid no-go.

The rub is that Evan is British, and before moving to the States to be with his ex, they had a long-distance international relationship across an ocean, yet a long-distance domestic relationship is something he’s taken off the table with me. Not the first time my love life has felt incongruous. It’s frustrating. But it’s been my reality, and while I can try to shift my reality, I can’t try to shift his truth.

I have to believe him. And I do. Some people will try and deceive you and win you over while pursuing their own agenda on the sly. Some people are simply vague. Some people are unsure of their truth(s). But if someone is good enough to tell you a truth about themselves that is disappointing, they are showing you the respect of being honest. Believe them. Evan’s truth isn’t about me; it’s about him and where he is at this point in his life. That he likes me is clear. But that’s not enough to override his truth.

I learned this lesson long before I got to Evan. Men have been telling me their truths since the first man I dated after my divorce, over a decade ago. Back then, I wasn’t as savvy. But I’m a good student, and experience has schooled me well.

A few of the truths I’ve been privy to:

  • I’m not ready for a relationship–Scott, 2012. True that. He was separated, not divorced; a recovering alcoholic; his stepson had died the year prior; his wife had cheated on him; he was in risk of foreclosure/bankruptcy; and he lost his job while we were dating. What the hell was I thinking? Scott is a good human being, but I caught him in a bad place. Frankly, I wasn’t in such a great place myself. He was the first guy I dated after my divorce. I was lonely and I’d been celibate for two years. Silly me, I tried to be the patient and supportive girIfriend. That didn’t work. What can I say? I was naïve, lonely, and horny.
  • “I’m not good with budgeting.”–Jack Ashe, 2013. Mmm-hmmm. Yet, supposedly he was a successful businessman and he always had money to spend. After a few weeks, some things weren’t adding up, so I did some sleuthing. Digging around, I discovered that he was a scam artist on probation. He’d even lied to me about his name. So I’ve given him a more apropos name.
  • “I am probably a poor match…”–-Isaac, 2013. Dear Isaac; he’s a special one. We’ve weaved in and out of each other’s lives for over a decade, imprinting upon one another. My experience of him was the catalyst to start writing–the first time he dumped me, I bought a moleskine journal and began recording my reflections. A decade later, I have a manuscript (in perpetual revision); essays out for submission; and a dating blog. I’ve imprinted upon him as well. The morning after our one night of in-the-flesh-fornication, equestrian Isaac, perhaps a little distracted, was unseated when his horse started, resulting in a major concussion which still haunts him. With time, we’ve grown closer. Recently, he observed, “We have connection.” (2023) Indeed, we do. And yet, we’ve never been in an exclusive relationship. We’ve never fully matched. And he remains the ever-never-married bachelor. His truth stands.

I’ve learned to appreciate honesty, even when it’s not the truth I’m hoping for. I’m an English major. As such, it only makes sense that one of my love languages is Words of Affirmation. Yet I’ve been with men whose words were pretty but didn’t carry any weight.

  • You’re the love of my life.–Stanley, 2022. I’d broken it off with Stanley a few years prior to him saying this. We were compatible and had fun together. The words are lovely. I’d love to hear them from a lover who makes me feel that way. Stanley may have meant those words, or they may have felt true to him, but that’s not how he made me feel when we were together, and he had plenty of time to make me feel his truth. Instead, during our relationship, I felt taken for granted. He prioritized his ex, his sister, his friend over me. He didn’t stand up for me. It shouldn’t have been a competition, yet I consistently came in second place. His words didn’t match his actions. And that’s why I eventually left.
  • I want you here with me in Santa Fe.–David, 2021. David had a lot of words, all of them pretty–he’s a writer, a master of words, and for a while I was his muse. On our first date he gave me a key to his house and vowed to buy me a ring. Our connection and chemistry is strong. But he panicked. I’m not sure what he’s afraid of–The power of his feelings? Commitment? Making space in his life for someone after being single for so long? Ultimately, the answer is moot. What matters is that after all his pretty words, he panicked and threw up an impenetrable wall of silence. He’s taken the wall down a few times, but, ultimately, he rebuilds it. A few months ago when David came back yet again, I wanted to believe that it was for good, but I was rightfully wary. “No more wall of silence?” I asked. He guaranteed, “No more wall of silence.” Not surprisingly, the wall’s been rebuilt, and once again I’m left with The Sound of Silence.

Hollow words have no weight, no meaning. As an English major, I needs words to mean something. I’ve learned to appreciate it when a man’s words do mean something, even if they aren’t the words I want to hear. At least they’re honoring me with truth.

Stanley’s words were always hollow–promises unkept and words that didn’t match actions. I think David’s words were sincere, but he lacked follow-through. He wanted to be more than he was able to manifest. We talked of being shameless, yet I can’t help but wonder if perhaps his silence is his shame?

My friend Bob told me not to give up on Evan. Bob’s a dear beloved friend, but while well-intended, his messaging is misguided. Bob said that because he cares for me and sees my value. He’s seen me hurt and doesn’t understand why my relationships haven’t worked out to date. Frankly, I don’t completely understand myself, but so it is. And so I face my reality and Evan’s truth, and I don’t hold out hope for Evan to change his truth.

Unless he tells me different, I must honor Evan’s truth. It’s his truth to shift or not shift. Truths can change with time and experience, but I can’t count on that and I can’t hope for that. Hope is both a necessary and a dangerous thing. It’s necessary to avoid its nemesis, Despair, but false hope and hope unrealized, ends in disappointment. Better to live with reality and be cautious about where you invest your hope, for by deluding yourself with an untruth or a hoped-for-truth, ultimately the person you’re hurting is yourself.

Evan’s set a limit on what we can be, so in turn, I need to set emotional limits to protect myself. But within the boundaries of what we can be, I’ll enjoy Evan for whatever our connection is, not sulk about what it isn’t. For Evan is warm, and talking with him leaves me feeling like the sun has shone on me. I want to enjoy that warmth without setting myself up for the pain of disappointment.

But meanwhile, I’ll keep looking for that elusive man and connection who doesn’t set limits on what we can be. For ultimately, I want a man who sees my worth and opens his expanses to me. Every six months or so, I seem to find a good connection. I only need one of those connections to work out. I can hope for that, but I’ve also learned not to count on that. All I can do is keep trying. That’s all any of us can do. And best of luck to you in your attempts!

Up Next: Just Be Yourself, but be your Best You

Profile Pictures: Tips on Taking Good Profile Photos

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Your profile pictures are the first (and possibly only) thing that potential matches will look at it. You want your profile pictures to be effective so they aren’t the only thing that potential matches look at.

In my last two posts, I went over some dos and don’ts of profile pictures. If you feel like you don’t have a lot of good current photos, no worries! We’ll generate some! Here are some tips for taking good photos:

Taking Good Selfies

These are your headshots, or close-ups, so that potential matches can get a good idea of what you look like. The right selfie makes a great primary profile picture.

You don’t need a mirror to take a selfie, and I discourage bathroom selfies altogether. You want your photos to be effective, flattering, and to stand out to potential matches. A bathroom selfie isn’t “obligatory.” Rather, it comes off as trite and tacky. Just because a lot of people are doing it, doesn’t mean it’s obligatory, nor that you should do it. Better to be classy.

To take a selfie without a mirror, you’ll want the front-facing or selfie mode on your smartphone. If you don’t already know how to do this, simply google “front-facing camera” with your type of phone for guidance on how to access this mode.

I have a friend Dan, who when he posts selfies to Facebook, the image is always reversed–I can tell because the writing is always backward. My phone camera doesn’t do this, but if yours does and you want to flip the image so it looks correct, simply google “flip image” or “reverse image” with the type of smartphone you have for guidance on how to do this. You should also be able to go into the settings on your phone to turn off the “mirror” function.

When taking a selfie, consider your surroundings. You want the image to be inviting, not underwhelming (think: no car or bathroom selfies). If you’re inside, for instance, make sure that your background isn’t cluttered. Likewise, I have a picture of myself on a beach that I really like, except there’s a trash can in the picture that I find distracting (Admittedly, I have a strong visual aesthetic). I can’t look at that picture without seeing the trash can. Show yourself in an inviting context. Make potential matches think, “I can visualize myself in their pictures!” Are they going to think that if you’re dancing around a trash can?

Photo DON’T: I love the light in this photo and I’m at the beach! But I’m also dancing next to a trash can. Not the beach picture I posted on my profile.

To take the selfie, extend your arm, keeping it as much out-of-frame as possible. Position the camera/phone at an angle slightly above your head for a more flattering photo. Smile naturally, and start clicking away! Take several photos, experimenting with altering the angle of the camera, the angle of your head, and variations on your smile. By taking several photographs with slight variations you generate options from which you can choose the best one. Once you do, upload!

Photo: Notice how the man is holding the camera…his arm is extended with the camera slightly above his head. And what a nice smile he has. I bet it’s a great selfie! He’s a bit young for me though.

Take selfies on different days and in different settings, to generate several selfies to give potential matches a consistent idea of how you look across time and place.

Another selfie option is to use the camera on your computer. If you try this option, angle yourself and the computer for a flattering shot–unlike your phone you can’t easily angle your computer above your head. But, just like with your phone camera, do consider your surroundings, and take several pictures playing with variations on your smile and the tilt of your head. Choose the best one, and upload!

Photo: Here’s a photo that I took with my computer camera at a hotel room in Boston. Not bad, but I could’ve smiled more.

Taking a full-body shot

Full body shots are an important part of your dating profile because they give potential matches an idea of your body type. Your carriage can either be a detriment or a draw, depending on whether you appear awkward, poised, or confident. Let’s make it work in your favor!

One possibility for taking a full-body shot is to have someone else take it for you. My youngest son is good at doing this for me. He even knows to take several photos so I can select the best one–Momma likes to look pretty!

For a full-body shot, you want to stand tall without looking stiff. Your whole body is posing for the camera–use that to your advantage! In modeling school, I learned to pose with one leg slightly in front of the other, a simple and nice looking pose for a woman. I also think it looks nice to have one hand on my thigh.

Photo: Here’s the sequined dress photo again. This time notice how I have my weight on one leg, and the other leg is slightly bent and more forward for a soft look.

Photo: For men, a classic look is putting more of your weight on one foot for a comfortable and relaxed look, with one hand in a pocket. Notice that his forward leg isn’t bent like mine.

These are starting points, not rigid rules. Get comfortable–play around with your pose, your smile, and your body and head angles. Again, generate several photographs, then choose the best one.

If you don’t have someone to take your photograph, you can use the timer setting on your camera phone. Get familiar with it. Mine has settings for 3 seconds and 10 seconds. I like the ten second option. It gives me plenty of time to walk across the room in my sequined dress and heels, turn around, strike my pose, and smile. Yes, the sequined dress photo was done by me with the ten second timer on my phone camera!

Something you’ll need to be mindful of if you use the timer option, is where to position your phone. I have a bookshelf in my living room that I use. The third shelf is the right height for a flattering angle on a full body shot and I can lean the phone against the books. Consider a space where you have a flattering background for pictures, and somewhere to lean the phone for a flattering angle.

Some final words…

Keep in mind that you oughtn’t be following these tips for every single photo that you’re in, they’re simply tips on how to generate effective photos for your dating profile. While you’re out and about living your life, take some photos, and if you generate some that seem like a good fit for your dating profile, upload them!

This is my final post in the profile photo series. Hopefully, you found some useful tips. Good luck out there!

Up Next: When a (Wo)Man Tells you their Truth, Believe them