The Summary part of your dating profile demands more thought and effort than the rest of your profile as it’s an open-ended essay question rather than mulitiple choice. Because of this, many dating platform users neglect The Summary or don’t put much thought into it. This is a mistake, as it’s your best opportunity to effectively tell potential matches who you are and what you’re looking for. Further, it’s your chance to stand out and make a good first impression. Let’s make that happen!

In many ways, dating is similar to a job search. You want a mutually good fit, and there’s a process of vetting possibilites. In this analogy, your profile works like a resume, giving potential matches a sense of who you are. Just as you’d do your best to position yourself well for a professional opportunity by polishing your resume, likewise, you should optimize your dating profile. Envision Your Summary as an opportunity, not a chore. In the job search analogy, Your Summary is akin to the “Tell me about yourself,” part of a job interview. And, if finding your words is an intimidating prospect, don’t worry, I’m here to help!

Don’t: Mention Your Ex

The purpose of your dating profile is to find your next romantic connection. Leading with talk about a former lover/partner is a turn-off. Focus on where you’re going, not where you’ve been. Get to know potential connections, don’t tell them about past ones.

When I come across a profile where a man mentions his ex, I tend to pass him by. After all, we haven’t even met yet, why is he already telling me about his ex? I want a man who’s interested in me. With time, we’ll learn each other’s histories, but it’s not a good relationship place to lead from. If you dwell in your romantic past, you may preclude present possibilities.

Don’t: Use Clichés

Clichés are examples of unoriginal thinking. Simply put, they’re lazy. When I come across a profile with a cliché, I pass it by. I want a man who can think and speak for himself, not one who relies on others’ words to express himself.

You can’t stand out from other profiles by using clichés because by definition they’re overused. How many times have you read:

• I’m a glass half-full kind of person
  • To my mind, the other half of the glass is a legitimate truth not to be ignored. Life has rough patches. I’m not looking to date a Pollyanna but a well-rounded man capable of a broader perspective.
• Looking for a partner in crime
  • Really? Bonnie and Clyde didn’t end so well. No thank you.
• Looking for my last first kiss
  • At least romantic, but still unoriginal. And what about all the kisses after that? I hope it doesn’t go downhill from there.
• I’m not looking for someone perfect, just perfect for me
  • Aren’t we all?

Clichés are a sign of limited thinking. If you want to stand out, you need to find your own words (I’ll help with that!). After all, I don’t know about you, but I’m not looking for ordinary–I’m looking for extraordinary.

Do: Be Original

You are you–what an elite experience! No one else gets to be you, just you. So, who are you? Share the special that you are.

To disentangle yourself from the cliché in your life, flip the cliché and follow your thinking.

You’re probably not really looking for a partner in crime, so what are you looking for? Adventure? Fun? A life companion? What does that look like for you? Rock climbing? Scuba diving? Bike riding? An art museum? Antiquing? Live Music? Fine dining? A romantic getaway? Backpacking? A roadtrip? Paint a picture of what you’re looking for with specifics of your vision so potential matches can clearly see you, and maybe even see themself in your picture.

Instead of saying, “I’m not looking for someone perfect, just someone perfect for me,” be clear–what does that look like? What kind of companion and relationship do you seek? How do you want relationship to feel? Don’t make it a litany of criteria that someone needs to fulfill, rather name the important overriding qualities that you seek.

Here’s the first paragraph of My Summary:

I am looking for someone to share and enjoy life’s journey with. Someone to hold hands with in good times and bad. Someone who can appreciate me for the person I am. I want someone who has depth, compassion, brings out the best in me, can intellectually stimulate me, and who can make me smile and laugh. An intellectual man who can make me laugh is a turn on (Yes, I’m sapiosexual). I need someone who can keep up with me and keep me on my toes–I like a good repartee.

It’s not a list of must-haves nor is it cliché, but it does give you the sense of the kind of man and relationship I seek. What and who are you looking for? Paint that picture in your own words, as only you can.

Don’t: Be Defensive or Apologetic

In the context of a dating profile, being defensive and apologetic are both reactionary. Your dating profile shouldn’t be reactionary to your prior dating experience, but proactive about the experience you want to have.

Being defensive is generally a passive-aggressive behavior. Not a good place to live, and there’s nothing to defend against with potential matches you haven’t met yet. Avoid being defensive.

Likewise, avoid apologizing in your profile. It comes off as weak and ineffectual in a situation where you don’t have anything to apologize for–you haven’t met these people yet. Your profile is a step toward meeting the right person. Save apologies for when you genuinely need to make amends.

Or, this example: “Sorry for no photos of…(i.e., being shirtless, bathroom/car selfies, photos with fish, etc.).” In this case, the apology comes off as a disingenuous attempt at humor. This is your first impression, sidestep the sarcasm. It’s okay to acknowledge the negatives of dating, but don’t over-dwell there. Instead, stay focused on conveying who you are and what you’re looking for and put out an energy (warm, upbeat, nonplussed) that will attract what you hope to find.

Don’t: Overuse Emojis

Emojis can be a fun way to add visual emphasis in casual written communication, but they have a limited capacity for conveying a message. They lack the nuance and specificity of words. Overreliance on emojis as a means of communication reads as unsophisticated and immature. Not how you want to present yourself.

Words are a more effective tool than emojis for expressing who you are and what you hope to find romantically. Don’t be afraid to find your words; you use words all the time. Imagine you’re at a party and someone catches your eye–What would you say to introduce yourself? Write that.

Do: Think of Your Summary as a Conversation

Many people find the idea of writing intimidating. If you’re uncomfortable with the idea of writing Your Summary, reframe the task as initiating a conversation. For now, the conversation is a monologue, but done effectively, it will lead to a dialogue.

We use words to effectively communicate every day. You possess the skill of using words to communicate what you want to express, you just need to get them written down. By framing Your Summary as a conversation rather than an essay assignment, you make it a more approachable task.

Imagine that job interview where you’re asked to, “Tell me about yourself.” Now imagine that job interview is for a romantic partner. Focus on what you would say, then write that down.

If you still aren’t sure, break the task down into more manageable steps. Put a notebook on a table. Walk through your day with the idea of how you would initiate that conversation in person and what you would say. Whenever you get an idea, make a notation to help you get you started.

Once you have some ideas of how to begin that conversation, write a draft of Your Summary. When you’re done, walk away from it for a while. When you’re ready, go back and edit/proofread.

You use words all the time; the only difference is that you’re writing these words down. You can do this.

Don’t: Announce a Profile Update

Whether you’re relatively new to online dating and your profile is a work in progress or you’re a veteran (sigh) who may feel the need to revise over time, it’s normal to update your profile once in a while. When doing so, make the desired updates to your profile without drawing attention to the fact (i.e., writing, “Update:…”) or making an addendum set off at the end of Your Summary. Doing either of these reads as awkward.

In my years on Match, I’ve only seen one effective exception to this–a man who had an accident which paralyzed him, putting him in a wheelchair. He had a distinct before and after in his life. By bringing attention to his update, he was allowing potential matches to see the person he was before the accident and his new life since. Change is part of all our lives, but the very way he’s able to live his life changed dramatically. For most of us, it’s simply best to revise our summaries quietly.

Thinking of Your Summary as a romantic version of your resume, imagine that resume in an electronic format on social media, such as LinkedIn. When you update your LInkedIn profile, you wouldn’t write “Update,” you’d simply revise or add to your resume so that the changes were integrated without announcing that you were doing so. Handle Your Dating Summary similarly. Maintain Your Summary in a way so that it matches your current truth without broadcasting updates.

Don’t: Write a Disclaimer

If you have to qualify Your Summary with a disclaimer such as, “Please read with the humor intended…,” or, “…not meant to insult,” (I’ve seen both) then you’ve probably written something you shouldn’t have (They did.). What they wrote wasn’t particularly funny and, despite the disclaimer, was potentially insulting. They failed to manifest what they were going for (humor) and risked being alienating. Not everyone is going to be your person, but remember to conduct yourself with dignity and kindness. Those qualities go a long way toward being a good human being, regardless of the context.

Do: Relax

Frankie aside, even if writing isn’t your favorite thing or a natural talent, you can do this. Dread will only make the task more daunting. Don’t let writing Your Summary get the better of you, and don’t avoid it. Be yourself, and remember to think of Your Summary as the beginning of a conversation.

Final Thoughts

The Summary part of your dating profile is your opportunity to effectively represent who you are and the kind of match you’re looking for. It’s you introducing yourself to someone who catches your eye at a party. How would you present yourself? What would you say? If you don’t find your words, you miss your opportunity. Your Summary is your chance to find your words, introduce yourself, and attract potential matches.

To make Your Summary as effective as possible, keep in mind the guidelines in my last few posts (past posts in this series are linked below). In my next post, I’ll give you more ideas for crafting Your Summary. Meanwhile, good luck out there!

Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

More Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Your Summary

Up Next: Crafting Your Dating Profile Summary