love

Healthy Relationships

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Lesson: A Healthy Relationship is a Balanced Equation

“…the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less…but power isn’t happiness, and I think that maybe happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less.”—Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Lesson Learned:

Always a Lover, I’ve striven to put love into the Universe, hoping to receive love in turn—generally, platonically, romantically. To some degree, this has worked for me. I love and am beloved by many. In this, I’m blessed. But you can’t be friends or lovers with just anyone. Life and love are more complicated than that. People are more complicated than that.

When I’m in a romantic relationship, I put in the time, energy, and effort to help it be a successful loving partnership. Not everyone is willing and capable of doing that. Keeping a relationship healthy and balanced requires choosing/having a partner (or friend) who is willing and capable of likewise putting in time, energy, and effort. How that time, energy, and effort look and how much is desired will look different in different relationships. Some people and partnerships will desire more and others will require less, but if the dynamic is too out of balance, at least one of the individuals will likely be unsatisfied.

My marriage was lopsided. Ours vows were, “I will do my best by you,” but if my ex gave his best (I suspect he didn’t), it wasn’t good enough. Aware that I was willing to do the work of relationship and valued being in good relationship, he let me carry the weight of the relationship work, not caring about me enough to bother.

If he ever loved me, he didn’t show it. No matter how much work I put into the relationship, it was never enough. I was never enough. If we disagreed, by default, I was wrong and foolish. If my feelings were hurt, somehow it was my fault. On our anniversary he routinely took me out for dinner, then he’d pick a fight with me. I’d committed myself to living in an inequality. By staying, I allowed myself to be devalued. When we got to a crisis point in our marriage, the reasons for leaving far outweighed the reasons to stay. Leaving, I finally realized my worth. I finally had the power in the relationship, but I still didn’t have love.

I came out of my marriage feeling like I’d settled, that I deserved better, but also questioning and doubting myself and my value. After all, I’d had ten years of training, hadn’t I got the message? Yet I couldn’t help thinking that I was worth loving. Could I find the kind of love that I believed in? I was hopeful, but unsure.

When I started dating, it was a world of inequalities. Sometimes I was the greater quantity—the men who couldn’t keep up with me; the nice guys and not-so-nice guys who bored me; the one-date wonders. Other times, it was the men who had the power—the few men who I did want to get to know better, to explore possibility with—the men who I wanted, but for one reason or another didn’t want me. It’s a hard thing to want to be wanted.

Then I met Stanley, a good man: smart, kind, funny, fun. A man able to both forgive and apologize (my ex couldn’t). A man whose modus operandi is to make people happy and solve people’s problems. He was good company and we were compatible. He loved me and treated me well—most of the time.

The problem: he had a codependent relationship with his ex, who held an unhealthy sway over him. As Princess Diana said of her marriage,”…it was a bit crowded.” It was an improvement over verbal and emotional abuse, but I still didn’t like how I felt in the relationship and it never made sense to me. It was still an inequality, and though I cared for Stanley, I didn’t like the way the relationship felt. For four years, I tried to make it work, but most of the compromising fell to me. Ultimately, I left, because I deserve(d) better. That’s when I got the power in the relationship, but I still didn’t have love.

I’m still single, still looking for my equation, but since Stanley, I’ve failed up and better in my search. I’ve dated some wonderful and accomplished men. Men who’ve been stimulating company and treated me well. I’ve even loved. The power balance has been better, even though my relationship equation hasn’t fully manifested. But, at this point, I won’t settle for less than my full worth.

Despite my relationships failings, I’ve learned quite a lot about balancing relationship equations. It takes finding/having a partner who will do their share of the balancing. Though it should go without saying, I’ll say it: a healthy relationship requires good communication, caring, and empathy. I’ve learned to be honest about my feelings and insecurities, something that hasn’t always felt safe in my relationships.

Even with the right person, the right relationship won’t always be in balance. Sometimes there are tricky issues to negotiate. Sometimes one partner needs more than another or has less to give. Life happens—health issues, job losses, insert-crisis-here. The other partner might need to carry the weight for a while. You do that out of love.

Love is a gift that you give, not something to be taken. In a healthy relationship, both partners will put the effort in to give as they are able and ideally, over time, the equation is balanced. I’ve borne witness to this kind of love. I believe in this kind of love, even though it hasn’t been mine to have. It’s a beautiful thing, two people working in concert to love each other rightly and do well by each other, not taking each other for granted. I would like to have that some day.

Will I find that kind of love in this lifetime? I don’t know. But I know that I can’t have right relationship with a wrong person. I know that I cannot expect to receive that kind of love unless I am capable of giving it. I don’t want power over a man, and I won’t give my power away again. I don’t want power; I want love. To that end, I continue to try and manifest a healthy loving presence in the Universe.

If You’re Wondering if a (Wo)Man’s Interest is Waning, it is.

/ blackbirddiaryblog

An entire manuscript exists about the lessons I’ve learned while dating. Here I have re-tooled some of my lessons for this space. They’re written from the perspective of a woman, but are also applicable to men. Here’s the first lesson I recorded, an early one–it’s a very apropos place to begin because not only was it my first lesson, but it’s been a recurring experience in my dating life. It’s a good one to own, because it helps in navigating your reality.

Lesson Learned:

I learned this lesson early, from a couple of different men. Scott was the first man I dated after my divorce. I’d been divorced for two years, but he was only separated at the time. This in itself was a big mistake, dating someone who’s only separated (but that’s another lesson). He wasn’t quite over his ex and though he was into me, he wasn’t into me enough. A behavior I’ve experienced with many men—they like me, but they aren’t sure how much; they get eager in the beginning, then they get scared because the longer we date, the more “commitmenty” it is. This was further compounded because of his conflicted feelings about his ex. He wanted a distraction from his feelings for her (which were confused), but he wasn’t sure about his feelings for me (because it was too soon). He simply wasn’t ready to date.

Over time, instead of spending more time together, we spent less. I was marginalized. I didn’t like the way this felt but I didn’t want to give up on the relationship either. After all, he was the first guy I’d dated after being single for two years, what hope did I have of finding someone else? (Ha! There are apps for that.) So I told him I wanted a break, a month, so we could both figure out what we wanted.

A week later he called, wanting me. That felt good. He took me out to dinner for the first time in a long time. He said that it wasn’t that he was ashamed of me, but of his situation. He felt funny taking me out in public when he was technically still married (Reminder: don’t date someone who is only separated!). But this night, he made me feel the way I wanted to feel. We were on-again.

Only it didn’t last. Quickly and predictably, as no issues had been resolved, it devolved again. A couple of months later, we were back to the same place. He was distant, cool. This time I called him on it and made him tell me his truth. I made him break up with me, because he wasn’t ready for me. Scott said he wanted to put me on the shelf for a while and maybe take me down in a couple of months. I told him I won’t live on a shelf. At the expiration of a couple of months he called, but I’d already moved on.

Isaac and I met online (On one of those apps for meeting people!). Isaac was the first man I dated who taught me what I wanted in a man rather than what I didn’t want. He was the first man I dated who I had no doubt that I wanted to be with. He was brilliant, witty, successful, worldly and oh-so-manly looking. How could I resist? I’m an elementary schoolteacher in Lincoln, Nebraska who works in a big box-of-a-building all day surrounded by children and mostly female colleagues. Where would I meet a man like this again (I have, but they are rare gems.)? He was so different from the other men I’d dated. And he seemed interested in me. But even from the beginning he was hedging, hinting that he wouldn’t stick around Nebraska long, that he wasn’t sure about dating someone with kids, etc. Nevertheless, he continued to correspond with me.

In his presence, I was nervous, a little trembly. He was exciting company. The physical attraction was strong, the conversation stimulating, the date sexy and fun. He asked me out on another date, but vaguely. We kept in touch, emailing, but I could feel the distance growing, the flirtation ebbing on his part, the interest waning. And then finally, confirmation. He didn’t think it was a good idea to see each other again. He liked me, but he didn’t see a future between us, he’d found new reasons that we were incompatible. It was best to just not pursue it at all.

The Lesson’s Essence:

With both men, I sensed in a change in the weather. I wasn’t being paranoid, it was based on a change in actions and interactions. I saw the end coming before it happened. Pay attention to shifts in relationship, the weather can shift at any time whether you’re just getting to know each other (Isaac), you’ve been dating for a while (Scott), or you’re married (that’s what divorce is, right?). Don’t be paranoid, just be mindful. Tend to yourself and your relationship. If you sense a change, have a rational conversation about it and face your truth the best you can. Better to live a truth than pretend a lie and better to face the truth than live in a state of anxious limbo. I’ve dated many men since the two who initially taught me this lesson. I’ve found that if I sense something is off, there’s a reason. And even when I’ve been hurt and disappointed, I’ve always been grateful to know my truth.

For men et al:

I write from the perspective of a woman, but my lessons cross genders. My friend Erik recently had this experience. A woman he’d been dating took issue with his calm demeanor in reaction to her over-the-top drama. “Why didn’t you call me on my bad behavior?” she asked him. She’d wanted a challenge, someone to take her on. He felt her cool to him after that and when he approached her about it hoping to have his fears eased, she dumped him instead. It’s okay to be hopeful, we need hope, but now he knows his truth and he can move on and find a woman whose personality is better suited to him. And who’s less dramatic.