love

Q & A: What is a Committed Relationship?

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Not long ago, a reader posed this question to me–What is a commited relationship?

Mutual Understanding

To my mind, the most basic aspect of a committed relationship is a mutual agreement to commit to a certain kind (there are different kinds) of romantic relationship. If it isn’t mutually agreed upon, then it’s not really a commitment. And, the very act of committing to a romantic relationship elevates the relationship itself, distinguishing it as both precious and prioritized.

In the past, I’ve on occasion pressed pause on exploring other romantic options upon meeting a man who I found compelling. This, even though there was no mutual agreement to exclusivity. It was my choice not to see other people in such an instance, but it was not a committed relationship. I chose not to see other people despite knowing that he might be seeing other women. It was my choice to do so, with no obligation on his part prior to an agreed upon committment.

Culturally, our ideal of a committed relationship is two people who find each other and say, “Wow, I choose you!“ And what a lucky, exciting, and beautiful thing that is. I aspire to that myself.

Sometimes though, people commit to each other without the exuberance of love, but for practical reasons. I married not for love, but because I was pregnant. I thought and hoped that love might follow, but it didn’t. Nevertheless, I committed myself to a man for ten years, and I honored that committment until our relationship became untenable. Uncommitting is something that happens too. It’s not the plan when people commit to each other, but uncommitting is a potential outcome when the people who commit to each other don’t mutually tend to and take care of the relationship and each other.

Different Levels of Commitment

There are, of course, different levels of commited relationship. A commited relationship can be as basic as agreeing to date each other exclusively to see where the relationship goes. It’s an “I choose you” move, even if it’s for the sake of simply exploring what the relationship can be.

Should both of you desire, you can level up on your commitment. Moving in together, getting engaged, or getting married are all examples of deepening commitment to each other. My sister and her romantic partner have been together for a couple of decades. They live together and have a child together, but they’ve never married. Despite never formally marrying, they have a deep level of commitment to each other. Level of commitment isn’t necessarily defined by terminology or legal status. In a Seinfeld episode, a woman tosses around the word fiance, advertising the level of her commitment, yet it comes across as quite shallow compared to my sister and her romantic partner’s commitment.

Different Kinds of Relationship

Our traditional cultural ideal of committed relationship is two people who commit to each other exclusively and long-term. This is already hard enough to achieve–both in finding a right person to commit to (the “Wow!” factor) in the first place, and then to be able to sustain the relationship in a healthy way long-term.

But just as are there different levels of commitment, there are also different kinds of relationship, such as open-relationships and polyamory. These relationship styles deliberately evade exclusive commitment to one person, even if they involve commitment of some kind. A committed relationship to one person is hard enough to get right. The further relationship strays from a committed relationship, the more complicated and challenging it becomes to maintain a healthy relationship where everyone is happy and no one feels undermined, threatened, or jealous. That’s not to say that such a commitment can’t work, but it’s that much more complicated than two people committed exclusively to each other.

My former brother-in-law’s first marriage (he’s now on his third) was an open marriage. That marriage was short-lived. With an open marriage, they attempted to live both in commitment and uncommitted simultaneously, but their lack of commitment ultimately sabotaged any commitment they did have.

Final Thoughts

If you have any thoughts on committed relationships, I’d love to hear them. Simply leave a comment below. And if you have any questions, please submit them in the comments or on my contact form.

I hope you find that special person who makes you feel lucky to find them and happier for being with them. Good luck out there!

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Up Next: Relationship Values–On Being Seen (and Heard)

Any Day can be The Day

/ blackbirddiaryblog / 1 Comment

September 3, 2025: I’m reposting this on the heels of the anniversary of the day I needed to disrupt my status quo. I do so as encouragement to any of you that feel the need to disrupt your life and initiate change. You don’t have to wait for a new year. Any day that you need change can be the day you change your life. I now live beyond volumes, not bound by them.

I typically write posts several weeks out, and I write this straddling the cusp of the New Year. The New Year symbolizes a fresh start, not just the turning of the calendar page, but a new calendar altogether. And yet, I’m wary of New Year’s resolutions. Often, they seem to lack any real resolve, made because it seems to be the thing to do, thus becoming throw-away intentions that fade quickly. The reality is that we can make a revolution in our lives any day of the year; we don’t have to hinge it on an all-or-nothing one-shot opportunity that comes with a New Year.

Feeling Stuck

Back in September, I felt stuck. There were some things in my life that I wasn’t quite able to break free from, resulting in feelings of frustration and melancholy. Unwilling to accept stuck as my reality, I decided I needed to shake things up somehow, to manifest some kind of shift in my life.

I see my post-divorce life in volumes, mostly because my manuscript is Volume 1, yet my story didn’t end there; I continue to live it. Each volume’s been composed of different themes and lessons of life, love, self, and relationship. The volumes each represents a molting where as I evolve, I occasionally outgrow and shed the volume I’m in.

Volume 4 began with David. With him, I thought I’d finally found my Promised Man. Our connection was strong and immediate, yet, more than once, he’s retreated behind a wall of silence. What I thought was going to be a volume about Love and Relationship wound up being a volume about Resilience–about surviving the aftermath of our relationship and carrying on. Eventually, I started dating again and even made some other compelling connections, but none of them fully manifested in a romantic partnership.

Romantically, Volume 4 felt like the Universe was playing a nasty game of tease with me, like a cat toying with a mouse. A game of Wait (for connection), Hope, (that maybe this time it will work out), then Upset (that once again it didn’t). My romantic life felt like a ridiculously cruel joke, but I persisted–what else was I to do? Until, I decided to do something else.

Getting to Something Else

On September 2nd, I arbitrarily declared it to be Volume 5. I had no clear marker delineating that I was in a new volume, only the psychic need for a new volume and to feel that things in my life could be different.

Casting back for rationale, I was able to pinpoint that my life was in a transitional phase and new things were happening–I had a renewed focus on my blog; my firstborn had moved to Boston for school; my youngest had graduated and was starting college. Their lives were entering new phases, and therefore mine was too.

I determined some guiding themes for Volume 5–Manifest (in the way I want); Liberate (myself from feeling stuck); and My Terms (a proactive stance, rather than feeling like I had limited control in my life). By getting into a new headspace, hopefully I could shift my life in the direction I wanted, and get myself unstuck.

Unfortunately, Volume 5 didn’t start smoothly. Within a few days of declaring Volume 5 and trying to maneuver into a better headspace, I became the recipient of unwanted and obsessive attention–I had an electronic stalker. That was unnerving enough, but I wasn’t certain how long his attention would be limited to the digital world.

I was rightfully concerned, but I was also mad. Life is hard enough, what right had he to intrude into my life uninvited? I contacted the police. Trying to reconcile this event with my attempt at a new and improved volume, I realized that while the event was undesirable and unwelcome, I took pride in how I handled it.

I handled it on My Terms. Though it was upsetting, I remained rational, reasonable, and gave it as much energy as I needed to and as little as possible. I didn’t allow it to control my experience nor my mindset. While it would’ve been easy to visit paranoia, I refrained from doing so. Eventually, after a visit from the police, my stalker desisted. We can count on Life to throw us unwelcome events, so how will we walk through them?

When Unwelcome Events Happen

On December 23rd, I heard a story on NPR about a tradition that Scott Detrow does with his friends each New Year–The Potato Drop. On a potato, they write with a sharpie things from the past year that they want to say goodbye to, then toss the potato out the back door at midnight.

Growing the tradition, they also get a sweet potato for writing things they want to hold onto or welcome into their life in the coming year. I love this. It’s not a resolution, but an acknowledgement of gratitude and an invitation to new possibilities. What a tangible way to be intentional about what you want to let go of that isn’t working in your life, and verbalize what you want to manifest in your life. I added potatoes to my grocery list.

On the night of December 28th, state troopers came to my door. This is not a welcome event. It’s psychically disruptive and discombobulating. My boys and I were informed that my ex, their father, had died in a car collision. Our world changed as quickly as the expressions on my sons’ faces.

We can count on Life to throw us unwelcome events, so how will we walk through them? The wound of my ex’s death is still fresh, but the scar of my sons’ grief will walk with them always. How will they walk with it? Despite their heartbreak, they’re bearing the tragedy with grace and maturity. How can I support them in walking this journey? Somehow, we’ll adapt to our new reality. We can’t change the reality of our situation, so on what terms will we meet it?

Meeting Our Reality on Our Terms

On New Year’s Eve, we did the Potato Drop–we certainly had plenty we wanted to let go of, but we also have things we want to cherish and hold onto, as well as other things we want to welcome into our new reality. How will we shape our new lives? And now, as I finish writing this on the other side of the New Year, I think I must be in Volume 6. Or maybe I’ve even broken Beyond the volumes? Liberated from the confines of a tome.

Volume 5 was full of transitions, both good and bad. Let’s see how those transitions manifest and what additional ones await. The unknown of my Beyond and 2024 is unwritten and full of possibility. What will I make of it? And what will you make of yours? What possibility or person do you want to welcome into your life? And what do you want to manifest that you aren’t already?

Claim the Day

If you didn’t make a New Year’s resolution or you’ve already unresolved, it doesn’t matter. In the Potato Drop story, Scott Detrow tells how over the years they’ve expanded their tradition, continuing to evolve it, including doing a Potato Drop at a friend’s wedding, not just at the transition of one year to the next.

Any day can be the day for a transition. You can change up and revolutionize your life any day of the year, be it January 1st, September 2nd, or any of the other 363 days of the year. You could even do it on February 29 of a leap year! Any day can be the day. And any day can be your day, even today. All you need to do is claim your day.

Final Thoughts

May you find the change, possibility, and person you seek this year, and if anything unwelcome comes your way, may you find the strength to meet it on your terms. Carpe Diem, and good luck out there!

Valentine’s Day: A Day for Lovers

/ blackbirddiaryblog / 2 Comments

Valentine’s Day is known as a day for Lovers. If you have a lover, that’s a beautiful thing. This day caters to you. Enjoy and celebrate your love!

If you don’t have a lover, Valentine’s Day can leave you feeling marginalized, reinforcing your sense of single-ness. If single is your status, you could feel sorry for yourself, I certainly have at times, but marinating too much in that is unproductive. Rather than feel sorry for ourselves, how can we flip our thinking, and take ownership in this “couples” holiday?

Being a Lover

Let’s first consider what it really means to be a “Lover“. A person can be married or in a committed relationship and yet not be a Lover. If a person lacks an attitude of Love, then they’re simply not a Lover, regardless of their relationship status.

Likewise, you can be a Lover, even sans a lover. Those of us seeking Love, must also have Love to offer. We don’t need a lover to offer that Love up. We can walk in Love and try to manifest a loving presence in our interactions as we go forth into the world. And we can feel good about that. With luck, that effort will be appreciated, and we’ll attract Love in kind. We’ll attract better, because we’re embodying better. Claim and own your title as a Lover, regardless of your relationship status.

The world can be a harsh place. There’s a lot of hate and divisiveness these days. The world could use more Love. We can be that Love. Each of us can try to be a Light, even in darkness. The more Lights there are, the brighter it gets.

As you go forth in your day, consider if there are ways you can be that loving presence in different contexts and relationships–on social media, in the grocery store, at work, walking down the street, on a dating platform. The world is better for the Love you offer.

Conducting oneself like a lover, not just romantically, but as a lover of humankind, won’t guarantee that one’s treated in kind, but it does improve the odds. Though sometimes it’s hard, and sometimes I fail, I always try to begin from a place of Love. And while I’m still single, I have the gift of many wonderful friends and connections, a support system that continues to grow.

There are people who are limited and unable to meet us in lovingkindness–some other emotion has gotten in the way of their ability to lead with Love. At such times, of course, we ought to stand up for ourselves. Doing so is a demonstration of self-love, a recognition that we deserve to be treated with lovingkindness. Further, standing up for ourself with dignity, rather than condescending to a baser level of interaction (even if that’s what we’re confronted with) demonstrates self-respect.

Regardless of your relationship status or the limitations of others, you can claim your title as a Lover. It’s yours for the taking.

Celebrating a Day for Lovers

If You Have a Lover

If you have a lover, then how to celebrate is easy. This day already caters to you and you’ve lots of options. You just need to narrow down the options and plan ahead.

Planning ahead is crucial. Having worked in a fine dining establishment for several years, the two busiest nights of the year were New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day. There were always people who tried to call for a reservation the same day, but by that time we were fully booked. I even turned Johnny Rodgers down for a same day reservation (I’m not a football fan and had no idea who he was. My boss at the time, an avid Husker fan, was not pleased.) Try to book a minimum of a week ahead.

Activities

One way to celebrate the day with your date is to do a special activity. There are plenty of activities worth considering:

  • Dinner
    • Dinner Reservations: Dress up and hit the town!
    • Romantic Dinner In: Make a special dinner for your lover or make dinner together.
    • Picnic: Depending on where you live and what the weather is, pack a picnic and eat somewhere special. Use your imagination!
  • Live Music/Dancing: Go out and take in some music. Better yet, add in some dancing. Dancing can be a fun and romantic activity.
  • Ice Skating: a variation on dancing! It can be a fun activity whether you’re skilled or novice.
  • Find a Special Event: There are lots of special activities planned around the holiday. Look into what special activities are available in your area. Try a Google search, Facebook Events, or check with your local favorites. For instance:
    • Couples Massage
    • Winery/Wine Bar/Brew Pub Event
    • Art Galleries/Painting Studios
  • Go for a Romantic:
    • Walk
    • Drive
    • Boat Ride
    • Horse Carriage/Ride
    • Sleigh Ride
  • Watch a Film: You can do this whether going out or staying in! Choose a film strategically whether it’s a genre you both like or something that suits the mood you want to establish.
  • Play a Game: You can go to a game cafe or play a game at home. Be creative, explore romantic/sensual game options. Some of these can be found at…
  • Visit a Lingerie or Adult Store: Know your date/partner well enough to determine if this is a good fit for you.
  • Getaway: Get out of town, go to a new town, rent a cabin, or book a boutique hotel in town for a change of scenery.

There are lots of options to choose from. Figure out what makes sense for you and yours.

Gifts

My personal preference for gifts is to keep it simple, but admittedly, this isn’t one of my Love Languages. Flowers are great, as long as the recipient doesn’t have allergies. But with flowers, again, you’ll need to plan ahead–a lot of flowers will be delivered this day.

If Gifts are important to your lover, it doesn’t need to be extravagant, just use what you know about them to guide you–a pair of earrings/cufflinks, the perfume/cologne they wear, a favorite bottle of wine, tickets to a concert/show, a future getaway.

Beware of Having High Expectations

Holidays and special occasions can easily lend themselves to high expectations. Valentine’s Day in particular can be easily romanticized by the very nature of being a holiday associated with romance. We’re imperfect beings living in an imperfect world. Focus on enjoying yourself and your date rather than having rigid expectations of what the day must be.

An acquaintance of mine several years ago complained to me about the gift her husband gave her for Valentine’s Day. He’d bought a thoughtful gift, but it didn’t land right with her. Her reaction was disappointment and anger that he’d wasted money on such a gift. Her reaction didn’t land right with me.

If you’re fortunate enough to have a lover on a day devoted to lovers, that’s a gift in itself. If you’re further lucky enough to be the recipient of an experience or gift, be grateful and express your gratitude rather than sitting in judgment of the offering. Valentine’s Day is a day for Lovers; Judgment is not a Love move.

Celebrating as a Single

If you’re sans lover this year, you might have low expectations for Valentine’s Day. The good news is, that if you have low expectations, it’s easy to exceed them! The show Parks and Recreation offers some great inspiration for how you can claim some of this day as a single and a Lover.

Make Valentine’s Day Galentine’s Day

In the episode Galentine’s Day, Leslie celebrates friendship with her gal pals. In the show, they celebrate on February 13, but why not celebrate on Valentine’s Day itself? You may be celebrating with a friend, but there’s no reason you can’t do some of the activities a couple might do (see above)–go hear live music, have a nice dinner, watch a film, get friend massages! For a lark, you could even pretend to be a couple as an inside joke on the day.

Treat Yo Self

On Parks and Recreation, Treat Yo Self Day is a day when Donna and Tom celebrate themselves by treating themselves to special indulgences, purchases, and experiences. They are loving on themselves. If you don’t have a lover, be your own lover. Love on yourself and treat yo self to something special, whether an experience, a meal, a fine wine, a special purchase, a relaxing evening, or all of the above and then some.

You can Treat Yo Self by yo-self or with a friend. Why not combine Galentine’s Day, Treat Yo Self Day, and Valentine’s Day all into one day of loving fun?

Buy Yourself Flowers

Don’t have a lover to give or get flowers to/from? As the Miley Cyrus song says, buy yourself flowers! And, if you’re buying them for yourself, no need to go to the trouble to send them like everyone else is. Trader Joe’s has an inexpensive but attractive selection of options. You deserve to brighten up your day!

Singles Events

Just as there are special events that cater to couples experiences on Valentine’s Day, look into what singles events are happening near you. In addition to a Google search or Facebook Events, Match.com Events and other dating platforms/venues are worth looking into for happenings as well.

Films

Want to stay in and watch a film, either by yourself or with a friend? I’ve often landed here on Valentine’s Day. When I do so, I very intentionally steer clear of the rom-com. At 53, I’ve been single long enough that I’m tired of bearing witness to love happening to other people, real or fictional. I need space from it, so I avoid it in film. Instead, give me some moody noir, where nobody’s entirely happy, and everyone has issues.

Some (mostly) non rom-com suggestions:

  • Casablanca (1942): Spoiler alert…Love doesn’t win, Friendship does!
  • The Third Man (1949): Love doesn’t win, nor does Friendship.
  • The Asphalt Jungle (1950): Love goes unrequited or is a means to an end.
  • Laura (1944): Love gets a little obsessive.
  • Fatal Attraction (1987): Love gets a little obsessive.
  • Night of the Hunter (1955): Stunning cinematography; haunting song. Love vs. Hate. There are loving people, and there are people who love money. Beware who you love…
  • The Umbrellas of Cherbourg (1964): A visually stunning foreign musical where Love meets Reality.
  • The Long Goodbye (1973): A single guy with a cat. Romantic relationships and friendships are pretty messed up. Titillating amount of boobies (It’s Robert Altman, after all).
  • Thelma & Louise (1991): A celebration of female friendship. They stick together to the end.
  • Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969): A celebration of male friendship. They stick together to the end.
  • Bridesmaids (2011): Venturing into rom-com territory here, but the theme of Friendship is equally as strong or stronger than the theme of Romantic Love. Plus, it’s hilarious.

Final Thoughts

Whether you have a lover or are seeking one, celebrate this day as the Lover you are. The world is a better place for the Love you offer it. May you feel the Love you are so worthy of.

If you have any additional thoughts, ideas, or tips for celebrating Valentine’s Day, please comment below; I’d love to hear your ideas! Good luck out there, and Happy Valentine’s Day!

Up Next: Q & A–How do I Respond When I’m not Interested?

The Preciousness of One

/ blackbirddiaryblog

At this point in life, we have histories. We’ve done a good share of living, learning, loving, and losing. Being single at this point generally comes with having lost a relationship, a partner, or a connection, possibly many relationships, partners, and connections.

Not too long ago, my friend Evan told me how, “…lucky I am to have been loved by so many women…” In saying this, he was expressing both a gratitude for being loved by those women as well as an appreciation of them.

While his gratitude is admirable, and I’m thankful for the men I’ve had in my life, to my own mind, I find his statement unsatisfactory. It doesn’t match the experience I’ve had nor want to have.

I’ve certainly been through my share of men. Each man was special in his own right, and while my romantic life has been quite the adventure, most of the men have disappointed me in one way or another. Sometimes the disappointment was simply that they didn’t stick it out with me. Other times my disappointment in them led me to move on. And sometimes, they were fine men, but the relationship dynamic was lacking, a different kind of disappointment.

My desire has never been to have a string of men and adventures, but rather to have One man to adventure with. Likewise, I ultimately want to be appreciated in the singular sense, not as part of someone’s plurality.

So, while appreciative of the men who’ve been part of my story, they’re no solace to me. With our endings, some of their luster faded as they receded into the multitudes. I continue to seek the man who’ll stand out from the multitudes, the One apart from the many. The One who I can count on and who bests the rest.

There’s a potency and preciousness in the individual that is somewhat diminished when they become part of a plurality. One is easily lost in a crowd.

On a different note, consider the tragedies of Gaza and the Holocaust. The scale of suffering and death in both cases are staggering to the point of being hard to process. The scale is overwhelming to fathom, yet the numbers and statistics have a sterility about them which emotionally distance us from the horror.

Numbers may outrage us, but the potency of those tragedies is in the stories of the precious individuals who’ve suffered and died. It’s the individual stories that move us. That’s where we connect, that’s where we understand, with singular stories.

When One of the multitude is seen and heard, it humanizes and moves us in a way that a number cannot. Think of the girl in the red coat from Schindler’s List. Visually singled out by the red coat, amid the violent chaos surrounding her that’s so hard to fathom, She becomes precious to us, a story that moves us because she is One.

Each of the 6,000,000 European Jews who died was also One, but we cannot process the number of the multitudes as we can the One. We connect to the stories behind the numbers. It’s easier to relate to the singular than the plural. Spielberg knew that, thus the shot of the girl in the red coat.

Palestinian poet Mosab Abu Toha, recently interviewed by Scott Simon of NPR about his poetry and the devastation in Gaza, said, “…what the news is doing is depicting a list of names. If someone has his name on the news, he’s lucky to be recognized as a person with a name or an age. But what the news failed to do is mention that these people existed as individuals–people with their dreams, their hopes, their previous lives, their family relationships.” By being reduced to a list of names, the individual is lost, and some go unnamed altogether.

Each One individual is precious, and each One has a story. We write our stories and who we choose to be and what we choose to do with our preciousness. What do we strive for? How do we choose to manifest in this world? Do we go forth in Love? In Judgment? In peace? In conflict? Broadminded? Narrowminded? How do we impact others’ stories? Are we able to see the precious of the Other?

This takes me back to the question, posed to me a few months ago, On the Paradox of Choice–“What about the paradox of choice that comes with internet dating? Is it real?” Where dating is concerned, the internet presents us with multitudes. Each profile represents an individual, and each One has a preciousness to them. We can choose to mingle with the multitude of profiles or we can separate ourselves from the pack and find the One.

That said, not everyone can be the One. Right relationship isn’t just about inserting a new person into your life, but finding One whose preciousness you see, who sees yours in turn, and with whom you have the preciousness of connection, recognizing that preciousness, and honoring that preciousness with follow-through.

For me, I seek One man. One right man who steps out from the multitudes, who lets me into his story, and who finds his way into mine, not just as an episodic adventure, but as a primary character. One man who, despite our mutual imperfections, sees the preciousness of my singularity and sticks it out with me, doing the work of relationship that we may enjoy the pleasures of relationship. One man who will Go All In and choose me, rather than receding back into the multitudes. One man who–like the song in A Chorus Line–sees my One1-ness.

And that’s where the preciousness of connection comes in. In singling each other out, you’re saying to each other, “You’re special and I recognize that.”

So, while grateful for the men who’ve been part of the adventure of my romantic storyline, when they fail to separate themselves from the multitudes and manifest a permanence, they lose some of their preciousness to me, for somehow the preciousness of our connection failed whether the failure was their lack of fully appreciating its preciousness, whether it was taken for granted, or whether that preciousness was somehow tarnished.

I strive to manifest an expansive, grounded, learned, and loving presence as I go forth in the world. I see my own preciousness, something I wasn’t always able to claim. When I feel that my preciousness isn’t fully appreciated by the men whose preciousness I’ve recognized, it grieves me. And dealing with the preciousness of those lost to me is too overwhelming–unless I allow them to recede into the multitudes.

When I become cynical about whether or not I’ll ever find the loving relationship that I seek, I remind myself that I only need One man to get it right with, just One. There are multitudes, and I only need One. That shouldn’t be too impossible, should it? I can continue to look for him or give up. I choose to keep looking.

Final Thoughts

As you go forth, remember that you are precious, and do your best to see the preciousness of others. May you find a connection as precious as you are. Good luck out there!

1Ironically, in contrast to the lyrics, the video clip of the song One shows the whole chorus line rather than having a single standout member. Gotta love irony.

Up Next: The Preciousness of Connection

Going All In

/ blackbirddiaryblog

In my last post, I addressed the Paradox of Choice regarding online dating and how the paradox is as real or unreal as a dating platform user chooses to make it. If you’re truly seeking a romantic partnership, then it’s up to you to recognize when you’ve found the kind of match you’re looking for and act upon that. Going All In is about making a commitment to that person.

Discernment

Even if your ultimate goal is a committed romantic relationship, it’s obviously not a great idea to jump headlong into relationship without some thought and reflection. I refer to this process as Discernment.

Discerning the Individual

One type of Discernment is at the level of the individual. Do you find them attractive? Interesting? Do you have points of commonality? Similar visions? You can discern the answers to these questions both by looking at an online profile and through conversation. Yeses are an encouragement to move forward. Any noes should give you pause.

Do Your Research

Part of the Discernment process and getting to know potential matches should include verifying who they are and ensuring there are no red flags. Be reasonably cautious and skeptical as part of your initial discernment. Do a Google search to make sure they are who they say are, so that you’re neither putting yourself at risk, nor blindsided with a nasty surprise later. Have they declared bankruptcy before? Been married multiple times? Do they have a criminal arrest record? Is there a protection order against them? Don’t assume anything. Sketchy characters try to pass as people with good character.

Are they hard to find information about online? That’s an unusual circumstance anymore and should give you pause. Years ago, I went on a few dates with a supposedly successful businessman, but when I did a Google search on him there was nothing to be found. Being hard to locate online is not a pro-business move, and it certainly suggested his level of success wasn’t what he indicated. Ultimately, with some investigating, I discovered that he’d lied about his name and that he was a scam artist with criminal charges against him. It was a good lesson for me to learn early. Do due diligence and do your research early–before you get emotionally involved or put yourself physically or financially at risk.

Pay Attention to Information

People are always giving us information. Pay attention to the words and behavior of potential matches. This is how people reveal themselves. Are they a good listener or do they talk over you? Are they kind or condescending to servers? Are they reasonably generous or miserly? Narrow-minded or broad-minded? Patient or Impatient? Are they argumentative? Considerate? Jealous? Are they emotionally available?

Use the information you gather to discern whether or not an individual might make a good potential match. Note their good qualities, but be on the watch for any red flags in their words and behavior to help you discern if they aren’t a savory fit.

Also note whether their words match their behavior. If there’s a mismatch, that’s problematic. They either lack self-awareness or aren’t trustworthy. Lack of self-awareness is a shortcoming, and trust is a key foundation of any relationship. Bail and save yourself.

Recently, I went out with a man who was many things. He revealed himself to be perceptive, talented, knowledgeable, thoughtful, and generous. However, with time, he also revealed himself to be angry, non-empathetic, judgmental, and a poor listener–not good relationship qualities. There were many things I liked about him, and while I don’t regret the experience, in the end, I deserved to be treated better than I was. Pay attention to the not-so-savory information as well as the better bits.

Discerning the Connection

If you’ve adequately discerned the individual and you’re pulled-in rather than put-off, then give attention to the relationship dynamic. The relationship dynamic is the shared space of the Venn Diagram created where two individuals come together. What is the chemistry of that space? How do you feel in that space? Does that space make sense to you? Do you feel seen, heard, and honored in that space?

I want that shared space to feel fun, safe, stimulating, sexy and exciting. What do you want that shared space to feel like? If the relationship dynamic is a match for what you’re seeking, then hooray! You’re ready to consider Going All In.

Going All In

If you’ve found a right person with whom you have right connection, then you’ve won the relationship lottery! This is no small thing–be grateful. Now, let’s discern how to go forward from here.

Going All In doesn’t mean that you’re blindly throwing all caution to the wind; it simply means that you see a chance worth taking. Life is full of risks–getting in a car; relocating; having a baby; accepting/quitting a job; investing in the stock market; going on a date. And yet, without taking risks, we risk not living full lives. The trick is to optimize the risks we take. Discernment is part of that optimization.

Think of a professional poker player. They aren’t going to go all in on a random hand or in every game. Rather, using their knowledge and experience, they’re paying attention to the cards; they’re paying attention to the other players; and when they get the right hand and the timing is right; that’s when they push all their chips in. They take in information and discern the right moment to make their move and take that gamble. If you’ve discerned a person is worth the gamble, take it.

Different Levels of Going All In

Going All In is leveling up your relationship, but there are different levels of Going All In. Going All In can start with choosing to date each other exclusively, saying, “I choose you,” and walking down that road together to see where it takes you. Going All In with someone can be as simple as saying “no” to other options.

After walking down that road a ways (You get to define that timeline.), if you continue to choose each other, and the “us” you created is good, then consider whether you’re ready to Go All In at a higher level of commitment, such as moving in together or marriage.

Actively Choosing

My friend Jeff and I have had several conversations about Going All In over the past year. Last year, a mutual friend of ours remarried. She’d been tragically widowed twenty months prior. It was fast on the heels of her husband’s death for sure, but that’s just how it happened, not how she planned it.

Our mutual friend had reconnected with someone she’d known for a long time (She’d discerned the kind of person he was many years prior.), they were both widowed, and they had good chemistry (the relationship dynamic). They were lucky to find each other, lucky to fall in love, and they recognized their luck, not taking it for granted. They chose not to give power to anyone who might judge the timing, and they went All In for Love. They leveled up their relationship, recognizing in each other what they wanted, and actively choosing to commit to that, declaring, “We’ll figure it out.”

It strikes me that that is what Love is–a recognition and a prioritization: We’ve found each other! Now, let’s figure out how we can make it work. Figuring out how to make it work is a team effort, not a burden to fall on one partner.

As a couple, they had an awareness of the challenges they would face combining families, each bringing their own special challenges to the union, but ultimately they were willing to face those challenges to be together, to do the work they needed to do to be together, and trusting that they loved each other enough to figure it out as a team.

I recently met a woman who told me that when she was dating her current husband (who’d been widowed), he initially hid their relationship from his teenage son. When Dean’s son found out about the relationship, he was upset. Jean suggested that they take a break from the relationship until his family was more ready, but Dean stepped up and chose her. Dean claimed the relationship and told his son that Jean was going to be part of their lives. They’ve been married for several years now, and Dean’s son came around.

A successful romantic relationship takes two people with right connection to understand their good fortune at finding each other and who commit to each other. It’s that easy.

A successful and healthy romantic relationship also involves not looking around for someone better, not imposing limits on what the relationship can be, not taking each other for granted, continuing to choose each other, leaning into the relationship (being aloof won’t work), and willingly engaging in the the work that comes with relationship. So while it’s easy, it’s also hard. And people are definitely good at making it harder than it needs to be. We’re really good at getting in our own way. If we weren’t, there wouldn’t be so many rom-coms.

…or Not

In the same time frame that our mutual friend was Going All In, Jeff had been in an on-again off-again relationship. He decided that he was ready to level up the relationship and discussed moving in together with his (now ex-)girlfriend. She spoke as if she was on board, yet she never did anything actionable to help manifest it as a concrete reality. For her, it was an abstract notion, something further down the road, something to put off indefinitely, not something that could happen over the weekend. Frustrated, Jeff ultimately chose to walk away.

Similarly, another friend’s brother was in a long-term committed relationship but reluctant to level it up from dating exclusively. My friend Abby knew her brother’s girlfriend wanted to level up despite her brother’s conviction not to. A conundrum. The girlfriend chose to play the saint and patiently wait, hoping his mindset might shift with time. That was her choice to make. And it was his rightful choice to keep the relationship at its current level. How happy does that situation sound? Does she sound happy? Does he?

Myself, I’d rather be alone than passively wait around for a man to decide I’m worth choosing. I want agency in relationship. I also want to feel chosen, appreciated, and wanted. I’m worth that, and I want a man who recognizes my worth.

David recognized my worth, and, in contrast to the Jeff’s and Abby’s brother’s scenario, we went All In quickly. We recognized our connection and chemistry right away. But then, he panicked. He wanted me but was afraid of us. He went All In, then walked away from the table. For us, Love was a losing game. And sometimes it is. David is a self-aware man, yet he didn’t know himself well enough to recognize that he didn’t have the follow-through to commit, even to someone he wanted. Do you? Know yourself and act accordingly.

If you have reservations about Going All In with someone who you’ve walked a ways down the road of relationship with, it’s worth considering–Why? What’s the source of your reservation? Is your romantic partner not the person you want to Go All In with? If so, why is that? Or, is Going All In not what you’re looking for in relationship? Why is that? Being able to answer these questions will help you understand yourself and your relationship, allowing you in turn to make more informed choices, even if you don’t choose to Go All In.

Final Thoughts

Going All In is something to do purposefully and with proper discernment, but if you’ve found a right person and connection, and a committed relationship is what you want, then go for it–leave behind the paradox of choice and make a choice. Carpe diem! Good luck out there!

Up Next: Processing Relationship Dynamics

Relationship Values: How do you Feel?

/ blackbirddiaryblog

A big hurdle in dating is simply finding someone you like and are physically attracted to. As we get older, this becomes even more challenging as we become more settled in who we are, narrowing the possibilities of who we might be interested in, and, let’s face it, much of the dating pool isn’t getting better looking with age. Throw in all the lies people tell about their age, and it’s quite literally getting ugly out there. (I’m an English major: please note the correct usage of the word literally.)

When I was younger and newly divorced, I thought finding someone you liked and found attractive was enough (Foreshadowing: It isn’t.). Then there was the hurdle of whether the feeling was mutual–I like him; I hope he likes me too! Sometimes the guy did; other times the guy didn’t. And I, myself, have been on the receiving end of crushes and unwanted attention. But love unrequited, isn’t really love; it’s fantasy.

So, you’ve found someone you like/love, someone you’re attracted to (Huzzah–it’s even the same someone!), and the feeling is mutual. You should be in for smooth sailing right? All systems GO! If only. We all know it’s much more complicated than that. Even rom-coms don’t allow for it to be that easy.

There are all kinds of reasons for relationships not to work out even when there are two mutually interested parties who’d like to make it work. But with time and experience, I’ve also realized that I need more than just mutual interest and attraction. I’ve learned to pay attention to how I feel in the shared space of relationship with a man, whether it’s a first date or an exclusive relationship. How I feel in that shared space is of vital importance.

At this point in my life, I’ve come into my own. I know my worth. And if a man doesn’t treat me with the respect and consideration that I deserve, he won’t be around for long. I have no desire for veneration (I’ve been put on a pedestal before, that’s not where I want to live); I simply want to be treated with the same lovingkindness I offer a beloved, to make them feel appreciated, respected, loved, and cherished. For Love isn’t just a word you say, it’s an action you demonstrate.

Stanley and I were together for four years. He’s an attractive man. I both liked and loved him. We were compatible and had fun together. That’s a lot. But, it wasn’t enough.

When we were in a relationship valley, he’d sometimes say, “You look/sound miserable.” Martyr that I was (Note the past tense.), I’d downplay it, but he wasn’t wrong. As compatible as we may have been, he had an extremely co-dependent relationship with his ex. It wasn’t just about any issues the two of us might have, but the additional issues caused by her omnipresence in our relationship, which frankly, were most of our issues.

It was a toxic situation, causing me significant pain and anxiety. Frankly, it felt gross. I tried to make him happy and do what I could to help the relationship be successful, and he let me do the work. It certainly made it easier on him; I was tolerating the intolerable, and he got a temporary pass.

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but if misery is part of the normal of your relationship, why would you stay? Ultimately, I didn’t. I left because I realized that I didn’t like how I felt in the relationship. It’s unfortunate that it took me four years to learn my worth, to learn that I deserved better, but at least I learned the lesson. Stanley wasn’t able to honor me adequately, so it was up to me to honor myself. By remaining where you’re mistreated, you’re doing yourself a disservice. We all deserve to be treated with honor and respect in relationship, as long as we’re able to offer the same.

The work of relationship was also lopsided in my marriage. In both relationships, I was with a partner who didn’t work to take care of me, of us, and the mutual space we created in relationship. I worked to help the relationships be successful, and they took advantage of my willingness to do the work. But a healthy relationship is two partners working together to take care of and do right by each other. It’s a mutual effort, not a lopsided one.

A younger version of myself brought my own insecurities into my relationships. I didn’t advocate strongly enough for myself. I hoped to be treated right as a matter of course. My relationship with Stanley taught me to stand up for myself. Now, I don’t hope, but rather expect to be treated with respect.

There was a lot of emotional drama in both my marriage and my relationship with Stanley. I don’t like drama, and the roller-coaster of emotions in those relationships caused me significant stress. By serendipity, the first two men I dated after Stanley were pilots. Pilots, by professional necessity, must manifest a steadiness and calm. They both did, and I liked how the emotional calm of our shared space felt. Further, after a relationship with a man who was codependent with his ex, I liked the way I felt with retired test pilot CJ, whose gaze made me feel like I was the only woman alive.

That’s how David made me feel too. The mutual space of relationship that we created was a sacred and beautiful thing. It was sexy, intellectual, loving, adventurous, expansive, and supportive. It was everything I’d imagined a relationship could be. Everything I’d hoped for in a relationship. And I see such relationships among my beloveds–Michele and Mike; Jon and Emilia. Their relationships manifest lovingkindness and a supportive partnership. Their relationships have bumps, of course, but the mutual love and respect at the foundation of their relationships situates them strongly for riding out any turbulence.

So, while physical attraction and compatibility are important components of a relationship, how you feel in relationship with a person should also be a consideration. And you can begin to discern this from your initial interaction with a potential match. All you have to do is pay attention to how they are treating you and how you feel.

Are they peacocking? Are they making conversation more of a monologue than a dialogue? Are they making you feel like you need to prove that you measure up? Are they judgmental or condescending? Do they seem sincerely interested in you as a person? Do you feel seen? Do they treat you with kindness and consideration? Do they make you smile and laugh? Are you having fun? Pay attention to how you feel both in their presence and their absence.

Yes, pay attention to how you feel in their absence, as well. I said this to my friend Evan recently, and he was reminded of a woman who he was drawn to and whose company was enticing to him, yet as soon as they parted, he felt an emotional crash. Something about their dynamic failed to sustain once he left her presence. With David, I felt the warmth of relationship both in his presence and in the in-between spaces. It was only the end of our relationship that caused me grief and pain.

The caveat to all of this is that you also need to consider your role in the shared space of relationship. If you expect to be treated with lovingkindness and consideration, you must be able to offer the same.

If you aren’t liking the way you feel, is it due to your own insecurities and anxiety, or is it because of some action or character trait of theirs? It’s our responsibility to keep in check any unreasonable relationship expectations, anxieties, or jealousy. When discerning how you’re feeling in the shared space of relationship, honestly truth it out to determine what each individual is bringing to the shared space that is contributing to those feelings. Then, use that discernment to empower your understanding, decision-making, and actions in your relationship(s).

Go forth in love, and may you find someone who makes you feel beloved in turn. Good luck out there!

A Lesson from a Fool for Love

/ blackbirddiaryblog

A teacher by profession, I spend a good part of my day working with first graders. This year I’ve spent time working with a girl who’s a select mute. She has a voice, but chooses not to use it, at least not in the school setting. I take her to my closet-sized classroom and read to her. I read or talk; she nods, points, and smiles.

Despite the limitation of her silence, I’ve managed to find some common ground with her. On the way to my classroom, she grasps her female superheroes t-shirt, pulling it slightly away from her. “Do you have a favorite superhero?” I ask. She points to Wonder Woman. “Really? Wonder Woman is my favorite superhero! In fact, when I was your age, I had a Wonder Woman birthday cake!” A smile spreads across her face.

A few days later, I bring a copy of a picture from my seventh birthday party, children gathered around the table–me in pigtails, my sister in her pageboy haircut, the neighborhood girl in her Holly Hobby dress, and the Wonder Woman cake in the middle of it all. “Would you like to keep the picture?” I ask. She smiles and nods.

After fanning out some picture books for her to select from, she eagerly grabs Milton the Early Riser, a book with a panda on the cover, pointing at the panda for emphasis. “Is that your favorite animal?” I ask. She nods emphatically. “Wow, pandas are my favorite animal too!” I say, her body jolting in happy surprise. “When I was your age,” I continue, “I didn’t have a teddy bear, I had a panda bear.” She smiles. Again, I bring her a picture, this time of my beloved panda bear. We have found connection.

She feels safe with me. But I haven’t heard her voice, and perhaps I never will. Her anxiety is a barrier. She’s afraid of something, but what? Even with the privacy of my classroom, I might not be enough to assuage her fears and help her find her voice. But like her, I know fear, I know anxiety, and I know the desire for connection. I too was painfully shy as a child. I too have suffered from anxiety. I too grasp for connection.

My extended family is extensive. At family gatherings when I was a child, such a large audience inhibited me. The words I would say caught in my throat, only squeaking out as whispers in my father’s ear. He was my mouthpiece.

And how many times did I play alone, watching other children playing together with envy, but feeling the social divide insurmountable, my legs grounded like a statue, not knowing how to approach. Or when I did play, quietly going along with the group, wanting to be liked, never strongly asserting my point of view. That seemed too big a risk. What if they didn’t like me? It seemed so easy and so natural for others. Why was it so hard for me? I craved connection but didn’t know how to connect. I was lonely. I wanted to be like them, but somehow I felt different, an outsider.

Perhaps I was different, perhaps I am different by nature, but with hindsight, I realize that much of the social divide I felt was self-inflicted, a consequence of not overcoming my fear, of not saying the words I had to say.

Writers are commonly introverts, and by necessity observers. I am both. I’ve always been curious about other people. Where are they going? What do they do? What do they think about? What do they want? Are they happy? Are they loved? I have my own rich inner world, but I’m curious about my fellow beings, I want to know their stories, and I want to better understand them. I want to share in their worlds and I want to share mine. I don’t just want to be an onlooker of life; I want to be a participant. I want connection. I want to love and be loved.

As a girl I was susceptible to the dream that Disney sold young girls—of someday finding my prince and living an effortless happily ever after, that someday someone would find me lovable. I no longer believe in fairy tales, but I haven’t stopped believing in love.

Though my social skills and perspective have matured over time, I’ve spent a large part of my life alone or lonely, craving a companion, craving connection, craving love—both to give and receive. There has been no greater desire in my life than to love and be loved. I realize now that love is not easy, that love takes work, that there is risk involved, that I might get hurt, that I might lose, and even that I might end up alone. But I believe in Love and want to do the work of love, because connection is a precious thing.

Human beings need connection and in our fast-paced social-media world, deep connection can be elusive. To have a loving partner to share your world and dreams with is one of the most sacred gifts of this life. There is a reason marriage is considered a sacrament. Love is sacred. But love can tarnish, so it must be polished and cared for.

I’ve been ruminating on a line from Shakespeare recently. It’s not a famous line, and it’s spoken by a rather foolish character, Sir Andrew Aguecheek in the play Twelfth Night. Aguecheek is a ridiculous name for a ridiculous character. The name literally means fever-cheek, and pronounced, it sounds like a sneeze, “Ague-cheek!” “Ahh-choo!” Shakespeare is having fun here, methinks. Nevertheless, it’s Aguecheek who speaks my favorite line in all of Shakespeare, even if it isn’t Shakespeare’s finest line. Upon Aguecheek hearing his drunken companion Sir Toby remark that Maria adores him, Aguecheek replies, “I was adored once too.”

“I was adored once too.”

This line has always struck me as a profound and wounded statement. It’s a devastating line. An entire tragedy lies buried in these five words. The implication is a happier time, a fulfillment, followed by loss, grief, pain, and regret. Love, lost.  And it’s particularly ironic coming from such a comic fool of a character.

Shakespeare probably did not intend for this line to have much resonance. An actor friend of mine who’s performed in many a Shakespeare play certainly doesn’t see the attraction of this particular line. And Shakespeare, prone to soliloquy, certainly doesn’t follow it up with any words or action to sustain that line of thought. Nevertheless, Shakespeare’s writing is prolific with literary gems, as well as sage insight into human character. I find a melancholy beauty in this line.

“I was adored once too.”

The play itself is about adoration. Olivia adores Viola disguised as a man, then she adores Sebastian, Viola’s twin brother—a real man. Orsino adores Olivia, then Viola. And once Sebastian’s on the scene, Sebastian falls for Olivia. Shakespeare’s comedies tend to be a bit madcap at times.

But it’s also a play about not quite getting what you want, or rather, what you think you want. The alternate title of the play, What You Will, hints at this. Orsino thinks he wants Olivia, then he is confused by his feelings for his man-servant Cesario, until Cesario is unmasked as Viola. Olivia thinks she wants Viola, but when the veil of Viola’s disguise is lifted and Sebastian’s on the scene, they both come to the realization of what they want, or what they will.

And isn’t love like that? Love isn’t about getting exactly what you think you want, but making compromises. In the compromise, what you will ends up looking a little different than what you think you want. But that is how you tend to love. Companionship and connection are dynamic, they are the combined energy of two people. To keep that energy positive takes mindfulness and compromise from both energy sources.

But what of this line of lost adoration given to the foolish Aguecheek? Is he somehow seen as unworthy of sustained adoration? Of love? If not, it gives this otherwise lightweight character some poignancy, and I doubt that is Shakespeare’s intention though I find poignancy in the words themselves.

But to crossover from the play to life, when I reflect on my own pursuit of love and those five words, “I was adored once too,” I can identify with the fool and would-be lover, whose present quest for Olivia’s love is futile and whose past love ended in defeat. But unlike Aguecheek, I try not to succumb to my tendencies to be the fool, but to learn from them, to persist and keep striving.

I’ve strived to be my best and to be a good partner. I cannot hope for Love if I cannot do the work of Love, take care of relationship, and be a good partner. I don’t do everything right, nor does anyone, including my past and potential partners; we are human. Love continues to elude me, nevertheless, I still believe in Love and shall persist in trying to be the best person, solo or partnered, that I can be.

Perhaps someday I’lleven get a return on my investment and find a man who’lldo the same for me. Until then, I shall do my best to walk in Love, regardless. I may be a fool for Love, but I don’tthink that makes me a fool. I think it makes me human. 

Getting to Boxless

/ blackbirddiaryblog

This blog was born out of a desire to unbox my writing. After working on my memoir for over three years—writing it, finishing it, revising it, receiving constructive feedback on it, and starting it again from a new point-of-view—I was uninspired. I had ideas, but lacked passion for the project which had driven me for so long. I needed space from it. I was tired of writing in a bubble. I wanted to write new things and I wanted to share my writing in a viable way. I wanted to get out of my box and I dared to hope for an audience. I was seeking connection and I wanted to be read.

I‘d already unboxed myself in so many other ways, such as the day I told my parents that I kicked my then-husband out of the house because he wanted to sell pot-vaporizers to help people and that I’d taken him to the psych ward days later because he was having delusions of grandeur coming off of a too-high high. At the time I thought, “If I can tell my parents this, I can tell anyone anything!” It was an empowering moment. I felt free. I didn’t have to hide my truths anymore. I didn’t have to pretend my marriage was something it wasn’t. I didn’t have to try to be something to please somebody else. I could just be me and try to be the best me possible and deal with the shit life threw me the best way I could and be honest about it.

Being a single working mom, I had to continually unbox myself. I had to take on new responsibilities. I had to learn to take care of my household alone. I had to make big decisions alone. I had to try to become handy, something very foreign to me. And with time I became self-reliant and independent. My potential was stretched to new extremes. I began a process of self-discovery, a re-discovery and a re-creation of self. My memoir is a record of that process.

A few months ago, I had the honor to be interviewed by Bruce Feiler, author of books such as Walking the Bible and Abraham. My copy of the latter contains underlined text, starred passages, and notes in the margin, so to find myself Skyping with Bruce Feiler for his current project, What Shape is Your Life? was a true privilege. And there I was, seeing him in live time with the intimate background of his home—he has lots of books of course!—talking with him like we were old friends who were getting reacquainted.

In the course of our conversation, Bruce and I discussed this unboxing and re-discovery of myself. I narrated the story of myself as a young woman in my early 20s, a woman on the cusp of her life but in the throes of despair, a woman whose self-esteem was in the trash, and how one day I swept all my graduate school applications into the trash as well, literally throwing my future away. I gave up. But no more. With my divorce, I had the chance to resurrect myself, to try again.

Bruce was intrigued by the idea that I turned back the pages of myself to an earlier time as part of my re-creation, that I wasn’t simply “starting a new chapter” of my life. And he’s right. At the core I am that same woman, but I’m older, wiser, and stronger. To move forward in my life, first I had to re-discover who I am and unbox myself.

Inevitably we discussed my memoir as it was such a vital part of my re-creation. He was encouraging regarding my manuscript, and coming from an author I admire that carried a lot of weight. I left our interview reinvigorated. It was time to return to my manuscript.

The original working title of my manuscript was inspired by the artist Frances Whitehead. When you visit her website, you’re immediately greeted by the word possibility. I love that. I read a document by her in which she poses the question, “What Do Artists Know?” Her answer is multi-faceted, but my favorite conclusion is, “Artists do not think outside the box—there is no box.” And what is a box, but a variation of a cage? I was determined to start living boxless and brave, with possibility, no longer afraid to follow my dreams.

This idea of living without a box embodied for me where I wanted my own life to be, it gave me something to strive for, and out of this came the original manuscript title—Getting to Boxless. My friend David S. wasn’t enthusiastic about the title however, gently suggesting that it was a bit contrived. After some reflection I had to agree. Nevertheless, the idea of living boxless remained a major impetus for me.

As I recently began to reread my manuscript rewrite, I was struck by how I’m repeating the patterns of my past. Patterns which I worked so hard to break free from. I read about pushing my feelings down in an effort to get along in my marriage and make it work, suppressing myself for my relationship, boxing myself in. Ultimately it didn’t work, and the disturbing part was the realization that I did it again.

My marriage ended eight years ago. The subsequent two years were devoted to stabilizing my life—making sure my children were okay, making sure I could pay the bills, hoping I could keep the house, restructuring routines, learning how to run a household alone, learning how to fix a clogged drain, and taking on everything because everything was now my responsibility. Dating wasn’t on my radar. I was lonely and craved love, craved relationship, but I was in survival mode. My life was a war zone, and I was responsible for keeping everyone safe.

After those first two years things settled down and I began dating. Coming off an unsuccessful marriage where I’d married the wrong man for the wrong reason, I was determined not to make the same mistakes. I learned a lot about dating, about men, and about myself during this time. This is when I wrote my manuscript. And finally, I met Stanley.

We were lovers for four years. The only man I was with longer is my ex-husband. And after all the lessons I learned from dating and reflecting on my marriage, I thought I’d chosen my lover carefully. Stanley is a good man, a loving man. He’s smart, funny, and attractive. And yet, somehow, I boxed myself up again and found myself in another toxic relationship. Somehow, I felt the need to push down my feelings to be loved and to make the relationship work.

Perhaps there was some part of me that was afraid that I was unlovable if I owned my truth. Other men I’d cared for had left. Stanley, like my ex, stayed. Perhaps also, it’s some female instinct, to swallow down your pain to make your man happy. And perhaps it’s even bigger than that—some social female-male dynamic where women instinctively nurture and deny themselves while men, even in the 21st century take for granted that it’s a man’s world.

Ideally, the work of a loving relationship should be fairly equitable over time. But I found that once again, I was in a relationship where I was putting in the bulk of the emotional work. I realized that to live true to myself, I bore the responsibility to stay unboxed. I chose to be heard and to live my life openly, and to that end, ultimately, I had to unbox myself from Stanley. He kept trying to push me back in the box. To free myself from the box, I had to free myself from him. Afterward, I asked my nineteen-year-old son what he thought about it. He astutely replied, “I like Stanley, but you shouldn’t have to stand up for yourself that much.”

So, for now, I continue to be single. I still look for, hope for, that lasting loving relationship that has so far eluded me. And while the men I’ve loved have to date all disappointed me in one way or another, I only need one man to get it right with and to do right by me. I keep looking for Him. The man who can see my expanses, love me, and who has expanses to open to me in turn. The man who expands my Universe rather than boxing me in. 

Communicate Clearly

/ blackbirddiaryblog

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”  George Bernard Shaw

This is one of a series of lessons adapted from my manuscript about my dating experiences.

Lesson Learned:

In my marriage, I was never heard. I said words, but they weren’t really listened to. If I tried to express how I was feeling, my words were turned against me, “I’m not the one who does that, you are,” he’d say. If we had differing points-of-view, then by default I was a fool for disagreeing with him. He regularly presumed my intent and because he never really listened to me, he never truly knew me. So I gave up. I resigned myself to my relationship reality. I stopped caring about my relationship and learned to swallow down my feelings and my words in the interest of just getting along.

Our marriage coasted along for several years until my husband, on a manic high, woke me up late at night and told me he was going to sell pot-vaporizers to “help people.” I made my displeasure clear, and this was followed by two days of mutual silence, a silence finally cracked upon his arrival home from work Monday when he announced, “I almost quit my job today….”

This was a pivotal moment. My first thought was that the boys’ health insurance was through their father, quickly followed by how untenable this whole situation was as both a mother and a schoolteacher in a non-420 friendly state. He was not partnering with me at all. Able to swallow my words no longer, I found my voice and told him to leave.

Communication goes two ways and involves two different skill-sets—finding the right words to express what you’re trying to say as accurately as possible, and listening to and trying to understand the message the other person is trying to convey. In my marriage, communication was a one-way street eventually leading to a dead-end.

When I started dating, communication wasn’t a big issue initially. With each man I carefully shared what parts of myself I felt comfortable expressing. I was clear about the parts of me I chose to share, but equally careful with what parts of me I held back. It wasn’t until I went out with Isaac that I realized I needed to be more clear in my communication.

Isaac was a light-bulb moment. He was the man who made me realize, “Oh, this is the kind of man I want to date.” The problem was, he was a non-native species. I knew I wasn’t going to find another single man like him in Nebraska. Suddenly, the stakes were much higher. Simultaneously I was more interested and my attractive options had abruptly narrowed. I wanted this man to like me. With other men this hadn’t been much of an issue. And Isaac was a professional art critic—how would he critique me?

On our first date, he disclosed how busy he was with work and how he lacked balance in his life. I responded, “As a full-time professional and single mother…,” only he apologetically interjected, retracting his difficulties before I could complete my sentence. He assumed I was downplaying his schedule, or perhaps vying for the spot of who-has-it-worse. Rather, I explained, I was affirming his difficulty and that I understand how hard it can be to strike a good balance. I was being empathetic rather than dismissive or competitive. Here I took the time to clarify my meaning. And, ultimately he heard me. Something my ex had failed to do.

My dating profile at the time stated that I’m Christian. Over dinner Isaac inquired, “Do you really believe all that stuff?” Wanting to own my truth yet not ready to delve deeply into religion on a first date, thinking that discussion could be explored later if we had connection, I simply responded, “Yes.” Later, I realized this was a mistake—by saying little, I allowed him to assume much.

My answer had been truthful enough, but it lacked clarity.  Being “Christian” could mean anything from a fundamentalist, which I am not, to a spiritually-inclined intellectual, which I am. If the issue was important enough for Isaac to bring up on a first date, my skirting the issue because I didn’t want to deal with it yet wasn’t going to improve my odds with him.

Ultimately, he was either going to like me and be open to the possibility of relationship or he wasn’t. That I wanted him to like me wasn’t going to change anything, it just made my reality more difficult. Regardless, I needed to be clear on who I am, and pass or fail on that alone, because the truth is I’m a fairly marvelous being and I don’t want to just be accepted, I want to be appreciated.

Communicating in a relationship is intrinsically different than communicating in a dating situation. I dated Stanley for four years. I worked on saying what I needed to say. He worked on being a good listener. We both worked on trying to see each other’s point-of-view and speaking in love, not in anger. For whether or not anger is justified, it impedes communication and it’s a destructive force. Speaking in anger never helped me resolve anything, it only created new problems.

When I’ve said things in anger, I found that my argument wasn’t heard, even with additional volume, and that I ended up equally mad at myself for the way I handled the situation. I learned that when I’m upset, I need to take a step back and give myself time to calm down and reflect. I need that time to find the words I really want to say and the composure to say them in the way I want them to be said. I want to speak gently and with kindness even in disagreement, because ultimately I want my relationships to be about love. And I want love to be part of the problem-solving process.

With Stanley, there were also things I left unsaid. Things I didn’t say to protect Stanley, or to protect us. Thoughts and feelings that I was afraid would over-burden the relationship, even after four years together. Being afraid to speak your truth is problematic, because then you are living an untruth. His actions failed to match his words and ultimately, I didn’t trust him. I’d invested enough time in the relationship, in us, and I wasn’t going to wait around anymore. He’d had his chance and failed. Trust is another lesson. Matching words and actions is another yet.

The Lesson’s Essence:

Communicate who you are clearly and confidently. If someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t mean you aren’t enough, it only means they aren’t the right person, even if you want them to be. All you can do is be the best version of yourself and communicate who that is to the world.

When reading profiles, I don’t mind if someone tells me what they are looking for in a partner, but it’s a red flag when it becomes a checklist of what I need to be. One of the things that drew me to Stanley’s profile was that rather than tell me who I should be, his profile inquired, “What about you? What do you like?” I thought, “Wow! He really wants to get to know me!”

To be a good communicator, you must hone both your expressive and receptive skills. I’m an English major. I believe in the power of words, and in trying to find the best ones to communicate what you’re trying to say. And good communication requires doing your best to understand the message that’s being sent. If in doubt, paraphrase. Restate the message you heard to see if your interpretation matches the intention. And in the spirit of good relationship, trying to see your partner’s point-of-view and honoring where they are coming from is a love-move. And if you do your best at these, you deserve a partner who does the same. A successful relationship takes mutual effort.

Some people enjoy drama, I know because I was married to one of them. But I don’t. If you don’t like drama, then don’t create drama. If you’re angry, step back. Give yourself time to calm down and regain your composure, until you’re able to say what you have to say from a better frame of mind.

Good luck out there!

 

Love Does Not Judge, It Affirms

/ blackbirddiaryblog

“We do not judge the people we love.”  Jean-Paul Sartre

Lesson Learned:

Coming from an un-loving marriage, when I ventured out into the dating world post-divorce I did so with the hope of finding a loving relationship in this lifetime. I had a sense of what love could feel like, what love should feel like, but I hadn’t had a relationship like that since my college days—almost two decades prior. How to rediscover that mid-life?

My first date out-of-the-gate was with a drug and alcohol counselor who was in recovery himself. That was hardly his only baggage—his wife had cheated on him; his stepson had died the year prior; and he was separated-not-yet-divorced. His baggage was fresh and he hadn’t had time to adequately lighten his load. He wasn’t ready to be in relationship with me or anyone.

It’s easy to see the wrongness of us in the rearview mirror, but at the time it was nice to have the male attention of someone I enjoyed (Okay, it was nice to have sex again too.). I like Scott. He’s a kind and insightful man with a good sense of humor. But ultimately, I had to walk away and take care of myself because he was unable to be supportive of me the way a lover should—he was overwhelmed with taking care of himself and his son.

As often happens with former lovers, he showed up again. We talked, and he made overtures to get back together, following this up with the question, “What would you change about me?” This caught me off-guard. I responded that I didn’t know, that I’d have to think about it. Then he said, “There are three things I would change about you…” At this point, I walked away from the conversation. Certainly not the best approach when you’re trying to reconcile with someone. But also not something you should say When You Really Love Someone.

I did, however, reflect on what I would change about Scott and I came up with—nothing. I believe Scott would own that he’s a deeply flawed human being—that’s part of his recovery and something he was always able to acknowledge—yet I accepted him for who he was knowing that he has a self-awareness and a desire for self-improvement. It is his job to initiate change in himself, not mine to tell him how to fix himself.

Isaac furthered my instruction on this point. Intelligent, worldly, and witty, he’s fun company and we always have a good time together. A professional critic, an art historian/former curator/director, he literally earns his living with his critical and discerning eye. And he’s very good at it. But this practiced critical discernment leaches into his personal life. He judged me to be worth knowing, but as well as we got along, I was too Christian, too settled, had too many children, etc. There was always some excuse or some reason that I seemed to fall short in his eyes.

I wanted to get to know him for the person he is, not the person he could be, but his interest wasn’t enough that he could do the same for me. Over a decade, we’ve slowly weaved into each other’s lives a little more, but there are always limits. He’s gotten to know and value me more with time and I’ve learned to accept his limits as part of who he is, and I value who he is and his presence in my life. And that’s love, isn’t it?

One man would have changed me, the other made me feel as if I wasn’t enough (even though I’m a pretty good package). With time, I learned that I am enough, that only I get to determine my true worth. That was a lesson in self-love and self-worth that took years to master. I am enough because I am a good loving talented person, regardless of whether or not I’m in a relationship, or whether any specific man does or does not want me.

When I am in relationship, I find it important to give and get plenty of affirmations. That doesn’t mean to be ridiculous or insincere, but it’s important to maintain a mutual sense of appreciation for each other, to not let relationship lapse into taking each for granted. And while disagreement is a normal part of any relationship, it’s crucial not to let disagreement slip into judgment. Judgment is condescending and as such is an inequitable stance in a relationship. And if I want love rather than judgment, I have to do my best not to sit in judgment of those I love, even when we disagree.

The Lesson’s Essence:

As long as you do the best to be the best person you can be, that’s enough. You are enough.

If you are in a relationship where you feel more judged than affirmed, you might reconsider your relationship.

If you want love and affirmation rather than criticism and judgment, you need to be able to give what you want to receive.