peacocking

Just Be Yourself, but be your Best You

/ blackbirddiaryblog / 2 Comments

My friend Mike once said to me, “You know yourself better than anyone I know.” It’s one of the best compliments I’ve ever received.

This self-awareness, coupled with a motivation to be the best version of myself that I can manage, has been the impetus for my evolution into the woman I am today. A woman who I’m proud to be. And yet, the work isn’t done. I’m not static; there’s always more to learn about how I can grow and be an ever-better version of myself.

Consider the iPhone–there are always new models coming out. Generally, the same technology, but with the goal of each version being an improvement and more appealing than the last. Ever-evolving toward better is a gratifying trajectory to be on. How are you evolving toward an ever better self?

Rising to Challenges

Unfortunately, some of the biggest opportunities for growth come during troubled times. Challenges stretch us. We can rise to the challenge, muddle through, or fall flat. But even when we fall flat, we can rise again and, importantly, we can reflect. The moments that test us are the moments when our rough spaces are revealed, the places that could stand some polishing. Paying attention to those places and attending to them is how we better ourselves.

My Story

Life has certainly presented me with plenty of opportunities to grow. Frustrating as that’s been, I’ve tried to rise to the occasion. And, while sometimes I’ve done better than others, it’s all about the long-term trajectory, including when you do fall short, recorrecting, and making amends if called for.

When my marriage ended, I went two years without dating. I tried to hold my life and my children’s lives together with some semblance of stability in the turbulence of divorce. I was focused on my children, legal proceedings, and such practical things as whether I’d be able to afford to keep the house. It was a lonely time, but it was also a reflective time…what had gone wrong, what was my role in it, and how could I do better going forward?

When I finally started dating, I was in my forties, a single mom, and fourteen years out-of-practice. The dating scene had changed, and there was much to learn–but I paid attention. I paid attention to myself, to the men, to our dynamic, studying my new milieu and learning about dating anew. I tried to better understand men, so that I could be prepared to be in a healthy partnership with one man. This included getting a male therapist so that I could actively seek a male perspective.

I paid attention because I wanted to learn how to be a better me, how to be a good partner, how to choose a good partner, and hopefully someday get to the kind of relationship I desire. And though currently single, I now date high-caliber men.

Your Story

Be your authentic self, but consider–Are you paying attention? Are you satisfied that you’re manifesting your best you? Dating is tough and there are plenty of bozos out there (that’s me being polite), but before looking to the deficiencies of any potential matches, I challenge you to look at yourself and be your best you. The better the version of yourself that you put out there, the better the chance you have of doing better than bozos.

I don’t suggest this as a self-deprecating exercise, but rather as an honest inventory of areas where you have room to grow and improve. The better you feel about the you that you put out there, the more confident you’ll feel. Confidence is an attractive quality which, in turn, will attract higher quality potential matches. You feel better; you attract better. You win, and you win again.

So, consider…do you have any insecurities? This is a good time to take a look at them and address them so they don’t hold you back and limit you. To live more expansively, you have to push at your limits. Are you insecure about your weight? Your appearance? Social situations? Are you unhappy with your job? Some other aspect of your life? Do you have low self-esteem? Are you a perfectionist? Are you depressed? Anxious? Can you pinpoint some aspect of yourself or your life that you’d like to improve? Some area of your life where you desire to stretch yourself?

If you see yourself in the last paragraph, then I challenge you to tend to yourself. Do the work and take care of yourself. You’ll feel better, and you’ll be in a better place for a better partner. The work of self-improvement isn’t a switch you flip from off to on, it’s a commitment that unfolds over time. It’s not a New Year’s Resolution where you dramatically change your life with a gym membership or take on the newest fad diet only to abandon it all within a couple of months. It’s not an all-or-nothing proposition.

Rather, it’s about finding something that works for you. It’s about finding manageable ways to shift your life and improve your trajectory. Ciara Hulet references the long view in her NPR story about scaling Mt. Kilimanjaro. The guides told the group to slow down, to go pole by pole and step by step, so they could acclimate and successfully scale the summit.

And you can choose to shift your trajectory any day that you feel inspired or need some inspiration, not just the first day of a new year. Are you ready to take that first step?

Want to Shed Some Weight?

Instead of the gym membership, try going for a daily twenty minute walk. That’s manageable–just step out your door with some comfortable shoes. After a while, try upping it to thirty minutes, then forty.

Instead of the drastic diet, try to cut back on snacking rather than restrict entire food groups or panic about calories. Try not to eat fast food. Put reasonable portions (not excessive, not restrictive) on your plate. Let yourself enjoy food and eat until you’re full, but when you’re full, don’t keep eating just because there’s food on your plate. Leftovers are a blessing–it means you don’t have to cook!

Don’t set yourself up for failure with a drastic change you won’t sustain, but welcome the evolution in manageable quantities. My major exercise is walking and I watch what I eat, but I eat what I want–I prioritize. I don’t eat doughnuts at morning meetings, nor do I snack at afternoon meetings. I do eat a dinner that sates me, and I typically end with chocolate and wine. I’m neither hungry, nor stuffed to discomfort. I eat to satisfaction, but not gluttony.

Anxious or Depressed?

I’ve faced both. As a younger woman, I marinated in my depression, passively feeling sorry for myself and simply wanting my life fixed. That’s an unproductive and self-fulfilling cycle. I still have bouts of depression, but now I take action against it. Not to dishonor the legitimacy of my feelings, but to avoid leaning into the darkness, and to try to get myself to better.

Taking Action

I once heard someone say that the opposite of depression is action. That may not be a completely accurate statement, but it’s in the right spirit. Depression invites apathy and inactivity, action may not dispel those feelings, but at least it’s movement in the other direction. Maybe that action is going for a walk, going out to dinner, journaling, painting, taking a class, or going on a trip. What action(s) can you take?

Getting Help

If you haven’t already, consider therapy. A therapist who is a good fit can both give you someone to talk to, as well as help you build a toolkit for managing the rough patches life throws you.

Mantras

I have stacks and stacks of self-written mantras that I cycle through. I find that when I write and recite a mantra about what I aspire to be, with time, I begin to believe it, feel it, and own it. Essentially, it’s “Fake it until you Make it” (That can be a mantra!). “Fake it” is the practice and recitation; “Making it” is the mastery and belief.

Try to identify what’s holding you back, such as your feelings and fears, then try to identify where you want to go. Use those insights to help you write positive mantras about how you want to manifest and who you aspire to be as your best self. Say those mantras aloud to yourself until they manifest as your reality.

My friend Ed once said, “Mantras are breath with volume.” Make your mantras actionable and give them volume. Don’t wait for things to happen and shift in your life, help them shift by putting action and momentum into the shifts you want to happen in your life.

Additionally, when someone gives you a powerful authentic compliment, write it down to remind yourself of it and to hold on to it. Make it a mantra that you continue to manifest. Remind yourself that you were worthy of the compliment, and strive to continue to be so worthy.

Suffering from Perfectionism?

I’m a recovering perfectionist myself. You’re doing fine. You can never be perfect, so hold yourself to a manageable standard and give yourself grace. When I was struggling with time management between my professional and personal life last year, my therapist inquired whether instead of bringing my A+ game to work whether an A game would suffice. Huzzah! High standards are good, but they ought to be reasonable. Be kind to yourself.

Feel Awkward Socially?

The best way to overcome this is practice. People who meet me now are surprised to learn that I was once painfully shy. To overcome my anxiety about public speaking, I signed up to be a lector at church. Every month, I’d get up in front of the congregation for a small amount of time. On stage briefly, then off stage quickly.

Over time, I became more comfortable, and now, I do it confidently. Try putting yourself out there in manageable amounts. Try going out for dinner alone, sitting at the bar, and chatting with a stranger–the bartender counts! Or go to a singles event, or any event! Try stretching yourself in a manageable way.

Dissatisfied Professionally?

Recently, I talked to a man who’s unhappy in his job and has been for several years. He feels that his work is important work, but he has cognitive dissonance regarding the organization he works for. Yet he admitted, somewhat sheepishly, that he hasn’t looked into further job training, certifications, or other job opportunities. He’s a good man, but he’s unsatisfied and settling. He’s stuck. If this is you, what can you do to find better job satisfaction?

Are You Optimizing Your Appearance?

Your physical appearance is the first thing potential matches notice about you and judgments are formed quickly. If you look good, you feel good, and you attract better potential matches.

If you aren’t attracting the quality of matches you’d like, consider: Does your beard need a trim? (Sorry, but those boho beards are generally unattractive.) Has activewear become your normal? Don’t let it! Is your hairstyle working for you and are you doing the work to make it work? I get a lot of compliments on my hair, but it looks frizzy if I don’t curl it.

If your appearance is an area you think you could improve, get that trim; curl your hair; or step up the wardrobe. This isn’t to say that you need to dress to the nines every day, but you ought to take pride in how you present yourself to the world. You ought to take pride in yourself. You’re worth it. And if you manifest that, other people will see it too, including potential matches.

Consider Stretching Yourself

Is there something that you’re interested in but haven’t pursued? If you have a professional, personal, or recreational interest that intrigues you, consider pursuing it rather than just thinking about it. If you’re feeling stagnant–disrupt your status quo! Explore job possibilities. Take that trip you’ve thought about, even if you do it alone! I travel alone frequently–it’s a great way to meet people and expand your experience. Try that activity you’re interested in (i.e., rock climbing, salsa dancing, guitar lessons, etc.). In my forties, I finally did aerial silks, because I wanted to, so why not?

Photo: Me at the Aerial Bombshell studio. Why didn’t I try this sooner? At least I did!

Being Your Best Self Socially

Finally, I’d be remiss if I overlooked mentioning that part of manifesting your best self involves having a loving-kindness and consideration for others at the root of your social interactions. This will be tested, but you can be strong and stand-up for yourself without being rude or base. Simply, be better. Be your best you. Strive to manifest kindness, strength, and grace. And when you fall short, make amends as needed, and remember to give yourself grace as well.

The caution is that the work is never done. Feeling better about yourself breeds confidence; be careful not to let confidence bleed into arrogance. Being your best is about self-awareness, balance, and grace, and there will always be people and situations that make it challenging to be your best. That’s when you reflect, polish, and remember to give yourself grace too.

Final Thoughts

I certainly haven’t been comprehensive and, ultimately, the best assessor of where you are is yourself. I simply challenge you to pay attention and take care of yourself. The reward is the best you, and a bonus is attracting better than bozos. If you’ve already got this covered, then congratulations on paying attention and doing the work of self-betterment!

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Relationship Values–On Being Seen (and Heard)

On Peacocks and Peacocking

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Recently, I had an interaction with a type of man that I call a “peacock.” While a peacock’s plumage is beautiful, it’s a showy bird, inclined to parading that plumage. It’s this showiness that I refer to when I call a man a peacock or think of him as “peacocking.” In more generic terminology, they’re show-offs. And it’s not just men who are prone to this behavior.

1. The Literary Agent

It’s unfortunate that he was annoying. As an aspiring writer, it would be a boon to have a literary agent and bookshop owner as a connection, only he drove me bananas. I’d found his profile. He seemed interesting and attractive enough to give his profile a better look, so I clicked on it. Upon further examination he looked alright, but I wasn’t so taken in that I initiated further contact.

Seeing that I’d looked at his profile, he checked mine out in turn, responding with an in-depth direct message addressing the minutiae of my profile (i.e., Nina Simone? Ummm…okay; Chanel No. 5? Just don’t overdo it…) in critical form bullet point by bullet point (He didn’t actually use bullet points but his message read that way.). He largely dismissed contemporary art (My profile makes clear that I like art.) as well as the state I live in (I date long distance and live in Nebraska which he “apologetically” deemed a “flyover state, Sorry.”).

My issue lies not with his content (I have my issues with Nebraska.), but with his method. As a sapiosexual, I find intellect seductive, and intellect he had, but unlike the men I’m drawn to, he lacked a kindness, a gentleness, a consideration for others. He came off as obnoxiously pretentious and condescending to the point of narcissism. He obviously liked me and my profile as his message was lengthy, detailed, and responded to the specifics of my profile. We certainly had common intellectual interests. But his message didn’t invite dialogue and discussion, rather it was a judgment visited upon me, my passes and “I’ll let it go-es,” as if I was fortunate to have him visit his favor on me.

Dating is hard enough and there are enough hard feelings to be had in the undertaking. I’m a lover at my core and try to manifest a loving presence in my interactions, but he rubbed this cat the wrong way. I sent back a short sarcastic message to the effect that I’m bold enough to not write off all contemporary artists, that “Yay!” we both like art, and good luck to him. Only his vanity was such that he didn’t read my missive as sarcastic. He responded with a briefer message, to match mine, but not an unfriendly nor defensive one. As someone drawn to irony and duality, I was amused that it went over his head, that, in a way, I outsmarted Mr. Smarty Pants. But I also feel somewhat sorry for him, that with all his smarts, he lacks a certain self-awareness. That’s another attractive trait. I wish I’d found him more likeable, but I didn’t.

2. Kite Guy

Unlike Literary Agent, Kite Guy was affable likeable guy. He was warm, effusive, and enthusiastic. He’s a journalist/writer and educator, so we had common ground. He was coming into town on a story, and we arranged to meet for Happy Hour, but he kept trying to extend the date, even before we met–Do you want to come with me while I work on my story? Meet up when I’m done? Are you free tomorrow night? Enthusiastic. Clearly, he liked me, but I was still discerning our dynamics and was wary of overcommitting.

You probably inferred that Kite Guy likes kites. Before the date, he texted me that he was going for a walk/run with his kite. Upon returning to his hotel, he texted me a picture of his kite tied up to the hotel’s rooftop bar, soaring far out above the nearby field. Hauling a kite around with you, walking with it, tying it up like that embodies a sort of energy, a carefree spirit, which I admire but wasn’t seduced by. The kite-fancy could be an endearing quality to the right person, and he deserves a woman who’s endeared by it, but it’s not me.

That’s not why he’s a peacock. His eagerness to extend the date before we’d even met made his interest clear, yet at Happy Hour I hardly had a chance to talk. As a writer, I’m a good storyteller and more than capable of holding up my end of the conversation, but he didn’t give me the opportunity. Our time together consisted mostly of him storytelling his accomplishments, a narration of his resume. He was a good storyteller, but our evening together was one story–His. Once again, the failure was a lack of dialogue. He asked me three questions that evening, but he only let me finish answering one of them before cutting me off.

Kite Guy was a good guy, but he wasn’t sensitive to the shared space, the give-and-take of conversation. It’s ironic that his peacocking was largely for my benefit, to impress me, but that by peacocking he conversationally neglected me.

3. Paul Newman

Okay, he wasn’t really Paul Newman, but he had a striking resemblance to Paul Newman at middle-age with a beard. Frankly, that’s why I went out with him. I have my weaknesses. I could get into some real trouble if a guy looked like Cary Grant.

Paul didn’t have a profile bio, which is generally a “no” for me. I want to have a sense of the person behind the profile and sans bio, that’s hard to do. Initially, I didn’t respond to Paul because of that. He was also local, and I hadn’t gone out with someone local in almost a decade. But he kept showing up, messaging me, looking at my profile, and after awhile, with Paul Newman looking back at me, I had a weak moment and responded. But I gave him an assignment–before I’d go out with him, he had to write the profile bio that he should have had. I also needed to know his surname so I could be certain of who I was meeting (Years ago, I briefly dated a scam artist, so I’m careful on this point.). He provided both, but explained that there was scant information online to be found about him due to the nature of his work. I was reasonably skeptical (Scam Artist taught me well.), but willing to give him a chance (After all, he did look like Paul Newman.). So we met for dinner.

He was twenty minutes late. Not a good move on a first date (or any date for that matter). And he didn’t text or call to explain that he was running late. I decided to give him the grace of a glass of wine and he managed to show up before I drained the glass. He was apologetic for being late, but explained that he was detained because he wanted to bring me documentation to prove that he was who he said he was. He’d said he was a courier for the State Department (There aren’t many of them; I checked. It doesn’t mean he wasn’t one, but it was slightly suspect. Again, Scam Artist taught me well.). He brought me a redacted document with references to him and his work. Now, this could’ve been valid confirmation of his identity or it could be a really good artifact created by a…scam artist. Regardless, it didn’t explain why he didn’t start the process earlier if he was authentic and why he didn’t let me know he was running late either way. Unless, of course, it was all a manipulation…

Paul was better at keeping the conversation balanced than both Literary Agent and Kite Guy. He was also a good storyteller, and as an English major, I like good stories. But I was never quite sure if his stories were fiction or non-fiction. After dinner, we went to a speakeasy where he flashed around some goldback bills, New Hampshire edition, and was surprised that neither I, nor anyone else in the speakeasy had seen such a thing before. The entire speakeasy was his audience. He asked the proprietor if he accepted it as legal tender. Now, Paul was a local and surely had a better read of the locals and local businesses than that. It was all interesting and good storytelling, but came off as performance.

At one point, he showed me a scar on his leg from where he was shot. Supposedly, he’d been shot three times in three separate incidents, the most recent in Ukraine at the beginning of the current conflict. He told that story twice during the night, and while a good memory isn’t my strength, the details did seem to change a little in the retelling. I’ve learned to pay attention to details.

The evening ended with the heel breaking off one of my shoes on the way back to my car. It looked beyond my ability to repair and not worth taking to my cobbler. Paul said he’d fix it for me. I thanked him, grateful.

The next morning he texted that he’d successfully repaired my shoe. I expressed my gratitude and appreciation for his trouble. He replied that he was happy to do it having enjoyed our time together very much, and that it would make him happy if he could someday be in a relationship with me. Very flattering, but I still had some discerning to do, information to gather. I like information; information allows for informed decisions. Our conversation then wandered to what our plans were for the rest of the day, and that’s when he showed his true self…when I mentioned that I was going to dinner with a [male] friend.

Back it up, he?

Yes, I have male friends. I could see where this was headed.

No woman of mine will go out with other men for dinner.

Excuse me? I don’t belong to you. We only met last night. And no man’s going to tell me who I can and can’t be friends with. And no man is going to manipulate me and restrict my universe. G’bye…do what you like with the shoe. And so I blocked Paul Newman.

Paul was a peacock because he tried to impress me in a showy way. My instinct that something was off about him was correct. He was peacocking, but his plumage was a costume to mask his insecurities.

Encore

The common thread among these three is that regardless of the underlying purpose behind their peacocking, their showiness was ultimately off-putting and created a situation that was singular, about them, rather than creating a shared space where we could dialogue.

I’ve dated plenty of exceptional men. An exceptional man doesn’t need to parade his plumage because he’s secure enough in himself to allow space for others, to value others, and to try to see them. A person who offers you their authentic self and makes an attempt to see you for who you are is performing an exceptional act. Drop any pretense; see and be seen, for to truly see and be seen by another human being is a beautiful thing and a wonderous place to begin. And watch out for peacocks!