A lot of us mid-life singles have a clear idea of what we seek in a romantic partner and relationship. To that end, in my last post, I explored the efficacy of using a checklist of desirables for a romantic partner as a general guide to navigate with, rather than a rigid rulebook of must-haves that limits you out of relationship.
But what if you’re newly single and still getting oriented to your new milieu? What if you don’t know what you want in a romantic partner? What if what you’ve been doing and who you’ve been dating hasn’t worked out so well for you? What if nothing much is happening in your love life? Are you willing to open yourself to new possibilities? If you’re not sure who you’re seeking or you’re willing to reconsider who you might be open to, then this post is for you!
Let’s consider how you can better orient yourself to navigate in the direction you want to go, even if you don’t know which way that is yet…
Patterns of Attraction
If you don’t have a sense of who you’re looking for at all, it might be helpful to reflect on whether you have any patterns of attraction to certain qualities or types of people. Consider past relationships, dates, interactions, and dating profiles. Do you see any patterns of attraction in your dating and relationship history? Are there any qualities that you find enticing or are drawn to?
These qualities may be:
- Physical Traits: height; ethnic heritage; skin color; eye color; hair color/style; body type…
- Personality Traits: confidence; sense of humor; carriage; intellect; generosity; thoughtfulness; punctuality; introvert/extrovert…
- Type of Career/Profession: artistic/creative; scientist; pilot; medical; military; education; technical; entertainment; financial…
- Perspective: politics; religion…
- Lifestyle: urban; outdoorsy; maritime; rural; social; travel…
- Talents: musical; artistic; writing; woodworking; cooking, athletic/sports…
- Recreational Pursuits: surfing; sailing; equestrian; hiking; running; skiing…
After a few years of post-divorce dating, I realized that I was dating a lot of men with a Mediterranean heritage–specifically Jewish, Greek, and Italian. I’ve also dated a lot of creative/artistic men. I don’t limit myself to such men, but I learned to recognize that those are attractive qualities to me, giving me a self-awareness which has empowered me in my romantic search.
Similarly, my friend Leah, who remarried a couple of years ago, remarked to me that all of her significant romantic relationships, including both husbands, were men of Irish descent. A little uncanny for someone outside of Boston, and definitely a pattern of attraction.
My hairstylist’s two most significant romantic relationships were both with engineers. Coincidences such as this are generally more than simple serendipity. For some reason, she’s been drawn to engineers in her past. Do you see any patterns of attraction in your relationships and dating history?
If you can’t pinpoint any particular patterns yet, pay attention to this going forward, as you look at dating profiles and go on dates. If you find a particular profile or person attractive or intriguing, what is it about them that draws you in? Their piercing eyes? Their sense of humor? Their active lifestyle? Be attuned to any patterns.
Once you identify some qualities that resonate with you, you can use that as a general guide to help you navigate the dating landscape. Recognizing such qualities doesn’t need to limit you to those qualities. Rather, use that awareness to empower you in your search for a suitable and attractive romantic partner.
The Rearview Mirror
Besides having an awareness of what qualities you find attractive in a romantic partner, it can be helpful to look back on your past relationships and dating history to analyze where you’ve been–what has worked for you in the past, as well as what hasn’t worked. You can use this knowledge to help you recognize good potential partners and steer clear of bad situations.
What Worked
When I started dating again post-divorce, I was surprised after a year of multiple misfires to find that I was attracted to the same kind of man mid-life that I was in college. My college sweetheart was a tall dark handsome art history major with a playful sense of humor. Isaac, the first man who really made me swoon in mid-life, was a Jewish (check: tall dark handsome) art museum director (check: art type) and is one of the funniest men I’ve ever known (check: sense of humor).
Recognizing these parallels was a powerful light bulb moment for me. Going forward, I was able to avoid wasting time on men who couldn’t sustain my interest and focus my energy on the kind of men who could. Ever since, I’ve been able to up my dating game, dating men who I’ve found more intriguing and who’ve better suited me.
To find a suitable partner as you go forward, begin by looking in the rearview mirror. What qualities in a partner have worked for you in the past?
What Didn’t
Conversely, consider what hasn’t worked out for you in the past. Do a Relationship Autopsy on your big relationships. Why haven’t they worked out? Be honest about owning your role and make note of any patterns of behavior in your former partners that was problematic. Going forward, you can attend to your own shortcomings and be on the lookout for problematic behaviors in potential partners.
If you see any unhealthy patterns that you’ve manifested in the fallout of your relationships, then be attentive to that and do the work you need to do to ensure more success in the future. I’ve certainly done a lot of work toward being the best version of myself that I can muster at any given time, as well as to be the best romantic partner that I can be. In a relationship, it’s crucial that both partners are working toward that end. If the bulk of the emotional work of relationship falls to one person in the relationship, that’s a setup for failure.
If your romantic partner didn’t or doesn’t do their best to be their best self and partner, then there’s nothing more you can do. That’s their shortcoming, and it limits the potential for the relationship. You either live with it, or you move on and learn from it.
My Story
In my marriage, there was a lot of drama. When my ex and I disagreed, he was condescending and dismissive of my point-of-view. We didn’t need to be in disagreement for him to be dismissive of my feelings. I knew that I deserved to be treated better, but while years of emotional and verbal abuse made me resilient, it also made me emotionally vulnerable.
With Stanley, once again, my feelings were frequently dismissed. He prioritized his ex’s needs over mine. He promised much, but his actions failed to follow through. So much of our relationship never made sense to me, yet by staying in the relationship, I was at some level accepting the situation, because I was accepting a partner who treated me that way.
Eventually, I got fed up with being in relationships where my feelings were marginalized and I was mistreated. I knew that I deserved better, but it was up to me to reject worse and claim better. I couldn’t do that within the contexts of those relationships, because the partners I was with had limitations.
What I learned from these relationships forms the basis of my Relationship Values–how I want to feel in relationship and what I want in a romantic partner. These days, I pay close attention to how a man makes me feel; whether I feel seen and heard by him; whether his words match his actions; and whether or not a situation makes sense to me. If I want to have a successful relationship, I need to choose a partner who’s capable of being the kind of partner I seek.
Kate’s Story
My friend Kate, reflecting on her dating history, realized that she’s dated a lot of “Assholes”. Essentially, that translates as men who haven’t treated her well or made her feel valued, often amounting to them blowing her off. She may have liked them, but she didn’t like the way they made her feel. Having an awareness of this, she’s developed an Asshole-radar which she pays close attention to.
Your Story
Looking back on your relationship and dating history what are the big red flags that you see in the rearview mirror? What were the problem areas of your past relationships? What faults and characteristics of your past partners caused you so much grief that you want to steer clear of them in the future? What are your relationship values?
Try to be as specific as possible. The more clarity you have on what doesn’t work for you, the more easily you’ll be able to recognize those shortcomings and behaviors when you see them.
Final Thoughts
Having an awareness of your patterns of attraction, as well as characteristics in partners that have and haven’t worked for you in the past, allows you to be more intentional in your search for a suitable romantic partner. Work to be your best you and know what does and doesn’t work for you, so you’re ready for that right romantic partner and recognize them when you see them!
May you find the partner who’s worthy of you. Good luck out there!
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