Dating is an emotional journey to navigate. We seek someone who arouses a strong emotional response in us, yet that same strong emotional respone simultaneously makes us emotionally vulnerable. To set ourselves up for the best experience we can manage (there is only so much within our control), we must be our best evolved selves. Zooming Out, or using our rational self to bring a more objective perspective to our emotional experience, can assist us both in being our best self and discerning the larger context of the situation.

The Purpose of Zooming Out

Zooming Out from an experience allows you to get perspective and see the bigger picture, even when you’re an actor in the scene. It allows you to try to see a situation with some objectivity, even when you have very subjective feelings about it. It helps balance emotional experience with rational insight by trying to see the larger context of the siutation, see other people’s point of view, and your own role in the scene. Zooming Out empowers you to engage with a situation more thoughtfully and choose your responses more intentionally, rather than leading solely from emotional reaction.

The benefits of Zooming Out extend beyond romantic scenarios. It’s a tool you can use in all types of relationships and situations. It can help you better understand relationships, people, motivations, situations, and contexts.

For Example…

Here are some examples of what Zooming Out, or failing to, looks like.

A Romantic Example

Things seem to be going well. There’s a nice back and forth. Then, there’s a drop in communication. They haven’t called/texted/responded. You feel insecure. You wonder–Why? It’s a fairly common experience if you’re dating and, sometimes, even in a relationship. I can’t even ballpark how many times this has happened to me or with how many different men.

And when it happens, if you’re feeling emotional or insecure, Zoom Out. Look at the broader context. How well do you know them? Do you know what’s going on in their lives? Remember that you don’t know what you don’t know. There might be things going on with them that you have no idea about. Maybe they’re busy with work, were in a car accident, came down with the flu, or a friend/family member is in town. Maybe they’ve lost interest, maybe they simply have other things going on, or maybe they’re an asshole that you’re better off without.

You don’t know what you don’t know, so be careful not to make what might be nothing into something. You need more information to understand the situation better. That information might be a reasonable explanation, it might be prolonged silence, or it might be a mismatch between your expectations and their capacity or willingness.

Beware of taking everything personally, It might not be about you at all, and if it is about you, then you either have some problem-solving to do, or they aren’t your right person. The right person wouldn’t do that to you.

If they’re incommunicado longer than you’re comfortable, then reach out. If you’re met with more silence, that’s information too. Alternatively, give yourself time to breathe and prioritize yourself to get through the uncomfortable spot.

A Non-Romantic Example

Recently, my sister and nephew were in town. When they’re here, I prioritize making time for them. But, one day during their visit I couldn’t do it.

That morning, I was very emotional and weepy. At work, I recognized that interactions and exchanges with others which I’d normally take in stride, were throwing me off-kilter. I was second-guessing myself in a way that I usually don’t and being oversensitive about minor things. I did my best to auto-pilot and get through my work day. Recognizing that I needed some time to myself to calm my emotions and I also wasn’t in a good emotional space to be around other people, I texted my family to cancel on them that evening.

And I had to ask myself–Why today? What is making me hyper-feel today? When I asked myself those questions, I connected my feelings to my bleeding. I hit the menopausal mark of a year without a period a couple months ago, yet a few days prior, I unexpectedly started bleeding. A surge of hormones made me hyper-emotional.

In this case, Zooming Out looked like me being able to step outside of myself enough to recognize that I was overly emotional. Once I recognized that, despite my intense emotions, I was able to be objective enough to ask myself Why, and reason out the answer. Finally, based on this understanding, I made an appropriate behavioral response–take some time to myself and away from people.

A Non-Example

I was spending a long weekend with R when the first assassination attempt on Trump was made. Our politics align, but R is British, and that’s the lens through which he saw the events, and ultimately me.

We’d been feeling out our chemistry and connection for a couple of days, but the assassination attempt made an abrupt shift in his behavior and treatment of me. Suddenly, I represented all the things that he despised about America–violence, loudness, polarizing politics. He stopped seeing me as an individual and lumped me in with stereotypes. He wasn’t able to Zoom Out and see me for who I am within a larger context of the situation, Rather, he oversimplified, opting to be intellectually lazy.

Ironically, he’s a birder, but he was unable to manage a bird’s eye view. Ha!

How to Zoom Out

Zooming Out effectively requires taking that bird’s eye view. Think about the zoom lens of a camera, allowing you to zoom in on details. In the context of a relationship situation this could be your emotion (e.g., feeling slighted); the details of conversation (e.g., “I’m not the one who does that, you are” or “I’m sorry”); body language (e.g., rolled eye vs. eye contact with nodding and active listening); or actions (e.g., a slammed door, an unreturned text, showing up when they say they will etc.).

Alternatively, Zooming Out is taking that bird’s eye view of seeing the larger context of the situation from further away. In this case, we are Zooming Out from our emotions and the details we’re fixated on, so we can broaden our understanding of the situation. We aren’t neglecting our emotions, but we’re stepping back from them rather than leading with them.

Here are some guidelines that I’ve found helpful in Zooming Out:

Wise Mind

Years ago, my therapist shared with me the framework of Wise Mind. As an empath, I have a deep well of emotions, but I also have an intellectual bent. Wise Mind has helped me integrate these two aspects of myself. In turn, that helps me better navigate my relationships and experience by bringing a more balanced and thoughtful approach to how I live and process my life.

Observe and Ask Questions

To Zoom Out effectively, put some distance between yourself and emotion. Backing away from the emotion can help you see it more clearly. Step outside of yourself so that you can look at yourself in your larger context. Name the emotion(s) you are feeling. Watch your behavior. Ask yourself Why questions: Why are you feeling this way? Why are you behaving that way? Be honest with yourself about whether your feelings and actions are justified. Try and be as objective as possible to try and understand the Why behind your feelings and actions. Notice your thinking and make note of the narrative you’re writing.

Now, Zoom Out to take a more objective look at the people you are in relationship with–friend, lover, colleague, family–and ask yourself questions again. Remember to distance yourself from your feelings. You aren’t trying to blame, rather you’re trying to come to a better understanding. Why are they acting this way? What potential motive(s) is behind their behavior? How do they feel? What is their larger context? What is their narrative? By trying to understand their point of view, you’re taking in the larger context of the situation.

Take a Minute

Time can help you gain insight into a situation. Time allows you to mentally sit with something, take it in, and examine it from different perspectives. The emotions may still be strong and/or deep, but time can help you choose a better behavioral response than an impulsive emotional reaction.

The amount of time you sit with a situaion depends on both what you need and what’s appropriate to the situation. It’s taken me months to discern some romantic connections. I may need several minutes, hours, or even a full day to determine an appropriate response to a text or email. I find that I make better decisions and give better responses when I allow myself adequate time to process my thoughts and feelings.

Truth it Out

The purpose of Zooming Out is to find the larger truth of the situation, not just your personal truth. By using the framework of Wise Mind, you can better assess the larger situational truth(s). You can evaluate whether your feelings and actions are valid, as well as whether someone else’s are. Keep in mind that it’s possible that multiple points of view are valid and the situation may be complex to navigate. The view depends on where you stand and look at the scene.

If you recognize that your own feelings or actions may be at fault, then ask yourself if you need to do something to rectify the situation. In my case, that was taking a day away from my family when my emotions were overwhelming.

If you believe that someone else’s behavior is at fault, then ask yourself what action makes the most sense in navigating the situation. Maybe that’s a conversation with them. Maybe that’s pulling back from the situation. In the case of R, it was recognizing that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I deserved to be treated better. That helped me find peace within the disappointment of our failed connection.

Final Thoughts

The practice of Zooming Out can help you get a better, more balanced perspective on a situation. It entails stepping back from your emotions to see situations more objectively, taking in the larger truth. Strive for an expansive vision, not a narrow view. Try to see where other people are coming from. Understand perceived slights may not be about you at all.

Ultimately, as my sister Megan said, “How people treat you is a reflection of other people’s emotional state and maturity and person, not a reflection of you.” Do your best to objectively truth things out, but also know your worth.

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Good luck out there!

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