Relationship Values: Fun

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Recently, a romantic connection that seemed to have potential didn’t work out. He was a great guy with a lot of qualities that I find attractive, but it wasn’t enough. We weren’t right. Something about our Relationship Dynamic didn’t work for me.

When discerning the viability of a romantic connection, I pay close attention to learning both the man, as well as our Relationship Dynamic–the shared space of a Venn Diagram created where two individuals come together. And, when a romantic connection or relationship doesn’t work out, I perform a Relationship Autopsy (more on this in my next post), analyzing what aspects of the Relationship Dynamic didn’t work, so I can use that knowledge to better inform my discernment of future connections and refine my search appropriately.

Over time, the autopsying of relationships and their dynamics has led me to recognize some Relationship Values that I hold, qualities that I need for the Relationship Dynamic to be successful. In autopsying the failure of this recent connection, I realized a new Relationship Value—Fun. And, while this wasn’t the only reason the Relationship Dynamic didn’t work for me, it was a significant one.

Fun

Catherine Price, author of The Power of Fun, defines ‘Fun’ as a synthesis of three states–Playfulness; Connection; and Flow (being fully present to the moment without distraction). I love this definition. Fun is dynamic; Fun is interactive; Fun is attentive. This resonates as true with me.

I’ve often adventured solo in my life, for lack of a companion, because I’d rather adventure alone, than not at all. But, I’d hardly label a solo adventure Fun. It’s in sharing that adventure with a playful and connected companion that makes it Fun.

And yet, Fun doesn’t require adventure, though it does call for connection and a companion. Fun is a shared lightening of spirit, engagement, and activity.

Fun can be as grand as a gondola ride on the Grand Canal or a day drinking mint juleps and betting on horses at Churchill Downs. But, Fun can also be as simple as playing hide and seek in the aisles of a Chicago grocery store or drinking cocktails outside as day turns to dusk. The right person can make the quotidian compelling. Fun is not just about doing fun things, but it’s dependent on having the right companion for whatever the activity may be.

The Role of Laughter

Laughter, for me, is an essential component of the chemistry of attraction. When a man can make me laugh, it’s a huge turn-on. Conversely, a relationship dynamic lacking in laughter falls flat, like champagne without its effervescence.

My dating profile summary alludes to this:

I am looking for someone to share and enjoy life’s journey with. Someone to hold hands with in good times and bad. Someone who can appreciate me for the person I am. I want someone who has depth, compassion, brings out the best in me, can intellectually stimulate me, and who can make me smile and laugh. An intellectual man who can make me laugh is a turn on (Yes, I’m sapiosexual). I need someone who can keep up with me and keep me on my toes–I like a good repartee.

Lorraine Bracco Finds humor essential as well. In the April/May 2025 issue of AARP (Yes, I’m over 50), she says, “I’m single and I’m sure someone will arrive. I believe in love. What do I look for in a man? A sense of humor is extremely important. And I like a guy who’s sure of himself. I’m sure of myself, so I want him to be rock steady.” Amen. Hopefully, we’re not looking for the same guy. I don’t need Lorraine Bracco as competition…

The connections that have held the most power for me over the years have been the ones where laughter was a natural part of the connection. I remember with fondness, and sometimes wistfulness, the men who’ve made me laugh. The nature of their humor differed–playful; subtle; clever; sarcastic–but with each, their sense of humor was innate, not contrived. And the shared laughter and banter made our time together Fun.

The Lack of Laughter

The failure of my recent connection is hardly the only one which has fallen flat for lack of laughter. A couple of years ago, I liked Pierre, but I wasn’t feeling the chemistry. It occurred to me one day, that he’d never made me laugh. Our conversations, though pleasant, lacked the element of Fun.

Much like my recent experience, Pierre was a great guy, but the lack of shared laughter left me feeling disconnected. I was missing the spark necessary to light my fire.

You

What creates the spark of a chemical reaction for you? What qualities in a connection turn you on?

If you can’t readily answer those questions, reflect back to past connections where you felt the kind of chemistry you seek. Consider what qualities from those individuals turned you on and/or energized the chemistry of your Relationship Dynamic. Do you see any patterns of connection and chemistry in those qualities?

If you can pinpoint a pattern of chemistry in your connections, that may be a Relationship Value for you. And knowing that can empower you in your search for connection going forward.

Final Thoughts

What is essential for you in a romantic connection? Do you know your Relationship Values, those must-haves? If not, it’s worth the time to identify them so you can more easily recognize right connection, and quickly weed out the wrong ones. Have fun, and good luck out there!

Up Next: Doing a Relationship Autopsy

Discover more from Blackbird Dating

Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.