Recently, I was asked, “What about the paradox of choice that comes with internet dating? Is it real?” My short answer was that, “…the paradox of choice is as real or unreal as someone chooses to make it.” Let’s explore that.

The Paradox of Choice

The Paradox of Choice is a concept posed by psychologist Barry Schwartz. The gist is that the more choice we have, the more difficult it is to choose and the less satisfied we are with our choice. After all, with so many choices, surely one of them is a better option than whatever we might happen to select. Thus, choice is followed by dissatisfaction and regret, or so Schwartz’s theory reasons.

Myself, I’ve experienced the overwhelm of choice in the toothpaste aisle. Growing up, I remember Aim, Colgate, and Crest. The number of brands has expanded somewhat, but the choice has really expanded in the different types offered within each brand.

Here are the Colgate options at my grocery store: Optic White Renewal High Impact White; Optic White Renewal Brilliant Shine; Total Plaque Pro Release Whitening; Total Plaque Pro Release Fresh Mint; Optic White Advanced Sparkling White; Optic White Advanced Icy Fresh; Optic White Stain Fighter Clean Mint Paste; Optic White Advanced Oxygenating White; Optic White with Charcoal; Optic White Stain Fighter Fresh Mint Gel; Revitalizing White with Activated Charcoal; Sensitive Whitening with Fresh Mint; Total Whitening Paste; Total Whitening Gel; Total Clean Mint; Total Fresh Mint Stripe; Sensitive Mint Clean; Sensitive Prevent & Repair; Cavity Protection Great Regular Flavor; Baking Soda & Peroxide Brisk Mint; Triple Action Original Mint; and Baking Soda Sparkling White Mint Zing.

Whew! And that doesn’t include the kids’ options, though it includes a strangely large variety of mint flavors. It’s a lot to take in. And yet, somehow I manage to make it home with toothpaste (The original Cavity Protection Great Regular Flavor is good enough for me.), and I don’t marinate on the toothpaste choices that I left behind.

Dating and The Paradox of Choice

The stakes of choosing a right romantic partner are certainly higher than choosing toothpaste, and the options that come with internet dating are much more vast.

It’s true that a person could become either paralyzed by the vast options offered by online dating or even addicted to the act of swiping through options, thus becoming stuck in the state of choosing and never really committing to a choice. Not choosing is a choice. But, if you want good dental hygiene, you choose a toothpaste, and if you want a relationship, then you recognize when you come across a right partner and you don’t blow your opportunity just because you have other options. As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

Regarding relationships, the trick is not to choose merely for the sake of choosing, but through the act of discernment, recognizing when you have found the kind of partner you’ve been looking for. Choosing well is about recognizing quality without expecting perfection (Don’t expect what you can’t offer). Once you do find right connection, then act on it–choose that person. If you’re lucky, they’ll choose you too. Don’t let the paradox of choice best you. Don’t be afraid to commit to quality just because there are other options. Be better. Break free from the confines of the paradox.

In my own experience, I’ve had connections where I felt that the men didn’t fully appreciate the preciousness of our connection, choosing the state of choosing over the choice of me (Often, this is because choosing me involves long distance.). On such occasions, I’ve felt it was a waste, but it was also their choice to not choose me.

My own not choosing a man goes back to the process of discerning right connection. If I haven’t chosen a man, it isn’t because I have other choices, it’s because something about the connection wasn’t right–he didn’t make me laugh; his conversation wasn’t stimulating enough; I didn’t feel any physical chemistry; I didn’t feel that he really saw me; he misrepresented himself; or he demonstrated a lack of giving grace.

And yet, every time time I get on a plane to go on a date, I’m actively making a choice that this man is worth the effort. In this moment, I choose him. And for now, he’s choosing me. With luck, one day I’ll find the man with whom I can stick that landing, locking in that choice. Who knows–maybe it could even be the man I’m on a plane to go see as I write this post.

Final Thoughts

As I see it, the real paradox of choice is that, as a dating platform user, you can opt for the suspended state of perpetual choosing, or you can make a choice when you find right connection (more on that in my next post). The choice is truly yours. What (or who) do you choose?

If you have a question that you’d like me to address, I’d love to hear from you. Good luck out there!

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