relationships

Doing a Relationship Autopsy

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Relationships begin from a place of Hope, taking a jump of Faith with another person that travelling down a road together is better than travelling it alone. But break ups happen. Hope and Faith aren’t enough to guarantee relationship success. When this happens, it can be helpful to perform a Relationship Autopsy to better understand why the relationship was ultimately unsuccessful.

Relationship Autopsy Defined

Just as a post-mortem on a body tries to find answers about the cause of death, a Relationship Autopsy is for trying to understand why a relationship didn’t work out. It’s not about casting blame, rather it’s about trying to step back and take an objective and analytical view of the relationship’s issues and its failure to thrive.

The Purpose

The point of doing a Relationship Autopsy is to have insight into Why a relationship or relationships didn’t work. Understanding the Why behind a relationship’s failure empowers you, as you go forward, to address or recognize any issues in future relationships.

You may discover that you have behaviors to own and address. There may have been some red flags that you missed and should have paid more attention to. Maybe the Relationship Dynamic was unhealthy. Perhaps the person was simply a bad fit, and you want to steer clear of certain behaviors or qualities going forward. You may realize a character flaw in the person you were with that sabotaged the relationship.

It’s essential to be as objective as possible, even though that’s hard when emotions run strong. You can’t change or fix another person, only they can do that. Focus you’re energy on what you have power over:

  • Acknowledge any behaviors that you need to work on, so that you can improve yourself and what you bring to relationship.
  • Acknowledge any failures to recognize fatal shortcomings in the other person, so that you can be more attentive to red flags in the future.
  • Acknowledge any toxic Relationship Dynamics, so that you can recognize and avoid them in the future.
  • Consider any challenges of the larger context/situation of the relationship that may have been unsurmountable or sabotaged the relationship.

Once you determine the Whys, you can work toward any needed self-improvement and choosing a more suitable romantic partner in the future.

How to do a Relationship Autopsy

When doing a Relationship Autopsy, there are four main considerations–the role you played; the role your former romantic partner played; the role of the Relationship Dynamic; and the larger situation/context of your relationship.

Your Role in the Relationship

When reflecting on your role in the Relationship Dynamic, be honest and own your shortcomings. Try to be neither defensive, nor berate yourself, as these are unproductive emotional responses.

Your purpose is to analyze the relationship as objectively as possible. To do this, you need to lean into a rational space. This will help you determine how you can do better going forward. Self-awareness is growth-oriented and a positive relationship trait.

For instance, I recognize that in the past, I wasn’t always as flexible and open to compromise as I should have been. I also wasn’t always good about standing up for myself and communicating my needs, leading to anxiety on the front-end and resentment down the road. These are areas that I’ve worked to improve.

As part of the analysis of your role, consider traits or patterns of your behavior that your partner mentioned as problematic or hurtful (e.g., Too smothering? Too inattentive? Flaky? Inconsiderate? Not a good listener?…). Consider whether or not those complaints are valid–maybe they are; maybe they aren’t.

Their Role in the Relationship

When considering your partner’s role in the relationship, don’t play the blame game–that’s leaning into emotional space and isn’t conducive to gaining insight. Instead, zoom out from your emotions to take a more objective perspective.

As you reflect, ask yourself:

  • What were your romantic partner’s shortcomings?
  • What drove you bananas?
  • What hurt your feelings?
  • What made you feel devalued?
  • What personality traits annoyed you, angered you, or turned you off?

Make note of any patterns of behavior in your former partner(s) that was problematic, that you may guard yourself against partners with these behaviors in the future. Try to be as specific as possible. The more clarity you have on what doesn’t work for you, the more easily you’ll be able to recognize those shortcomings and behaviors when you see them.

Further consider–Did your partner do their best to be their best self and partner in the relationship? If they didn’t make the effort to be their best, then there’s nothing you can do except choose a better partner in the future.

If they did their best, then be kind in your assessment of them. Either way, as long as you put forth your best self in partnership, you deserve someone who does the same.

Another consideration–Did they put the relationship first or their self-interest first? Did they see disagreement as something to work out or as a conflict to win?

I’ve been in couples therapy where instead of discussing our issues respectfully, my “partner” refused to give any validity to my feelings and point of view. He seemed to think that therapy was to determine a winner, with our therapist acting as the referee. If one person in the relationship wins, then, by default, the other loses. That’s neither a relationship move nor a love move.

The Relationship Dynamic

Sometimes two people doing their best still isn’t enough to make the relationship work. In this case, consider the Relationship Dynamic–the unique energy of the space created when two people interact. How did you feel in that space? Did you feel seen and heard in that space? What was the chemistry of that space?

Consider anything unhealthy patterns of interaction between you and your partner. For instance, when I’d tell my ex how his actions hurt my feelings, his predictable response was to get defensive, turning it around on me, “I’m not the one who does that, you are.” There was no way for me to be honored in a context where my partner couldn’t even validate my feelings.

Reflect on your Relationship Values, what you want in a relationship and how you want to feel in relationship. Which of your Relationship Values were met in the relationship? Which Relationship Values were inadequately met? Likely, you will find that some of your values were met (otherwise you probably wouldn’t have been in the relationship), but others were not.

Relationship Drama

When thinking about your Relationship Dynamic, consider the role of Relationship Drama in that dynamic. Was drama minimal/non-existent or did it have a predominant role in the relationship? Drama isn’t a healthy way to interact or resolve conflict, but some people thrive on it and create it. I’ve been in a relationship with a partner who created drama. I didn’t feel emotionally safe in that relationship, and it wasn’t a place where I was able to thrive.

Areas of Conflict

At some point, all relationships will be tested by disagreement or challenges. How you and your romantic partner handled these moments is a reflection of the health of your Relationship Dynamic. Were you still able to interact and partner in a healthy and respectful way toward each other? Or did it become a situation with a winner and a loser?

Think about what communication looked like when you disagreed about something. Use specific disagreements/fights that you remember. Carefully consider each of your roles in the dynamic, being mindful to own your role, whether you have bad behavior to address, or whether you put up with toxic behaviors from your partner. Ask yourself which of the following dynamics pertain:

  • Did you feel seen and heard? Did you make an effort to see and hear them?
  • Were you both able to stay reasonably rational even though you disagreed? Or did it escalate into emotional drama?
  • Did you feel your point of view was respected or demeaned? Were you respectful of their point of view?
  • Was their silence/no speaking from either or both of you?
  • Were either or both of you passive-aggressive? Did either of you play the martyr?
  • Was there blaming involved on either side? If so, was it justified or not?
  • Did either of you get defensive?
  • Were disparaging and disrespectful remarks ever made? By who?
  • What was the voice level? Reasonable? Raised? If raised, how much?
  • Did disagreement involve a lot of drama? Was it volatile?
  • Did you ever feel emotionally or physically unsafe? Did you ever make them feel that way?
  • Did disagreement stay on topic or commonly devolve into a rabbit hole of historical wounds?

If you feel that you and your partner navigated conflict in a healthy way, then kudos to you. That’s a difficult thing to do at points of conflict, and it speaks well of both of you. If not, hopefully you’ve discovered some think-abouts that you can address going forward.

A dynamic involves action and reaction. Think about how disagreements began and how the dominoes fell from there. Try to connect the dots of the cause-effect of your arguments as much as you’re able. How did you come to your partner when you were upset about something? How did they react? Alternatively, how did they come to you when they were upset about something? How did you react? What behaviors were productive in that disagreement and what behaviors were unhealthy?

And finally, how was conflict resolved? Were you able to come to an amicable decision? Were you able to reasonably compromise? Did it end in a stalemate? Did you do your own things? Conflict will arise in all relationships, and it’s important to have a path toward conflict resolution that works for the relationship, not just one partner. I was in two different relationships where instead of partnering with me at our point of difficulty, my partner told me, “I’m going to do what I want to do.” I ended both relationships.

The Context of the Relationship

Sometimes two people have a compelling connection, but the larger context of their lives creates challenges that are difficult for the relationship to surmount. The challenge of this context may even be a source of conflict.

There are many different things that could make a situation difficult for the relationship to thrive:

  • Professional obligations: lots of travel for work; working odd shifts; long hours; military deployments; etc.
  • Geography: long distance, a tricky commute; etc.
  • Lifestyle: rural vs urban; level of physical activity; outdoors; maritime; travel; particular hobbies/pursuits etc.
  • Religious differences
  • Political perspectives (How do James Carville and Mary Matalin make it work?)
  • Health issues
  • Relationship with exes (Don’t get me started.)
  • Children (I still remember the Match profile from years ago where the guy had six children. No.)
  • Living situation (Living with parents? Sharing a home with an ex? No thank you.)
  • Sexual proclivities

Do you see any external challenges that created issues in your relationship? If so, you’ll want to factor this into consideration as you discern whether future situations are a context within which you can thrive.

You many also want to consider whether anything you did contributed to make the situation more difficult than it needed to be. Were you too inflexible? Did you empower and prioritize another person over your romantic partner (e.g., a parent, ex, friend)? If so, can you do something differently to ease the context of future relationships?

What to do with the Results

Once you’ve spent time reflecting and analyzing what did and didn’t work in your relationship(s), you can use that knowledge to empower you in your search for a future romantic partner.

Be Your Best You

Use the insight you’ve gathered to identify any areas where you have work to do as an individual and as a partner, that you can bring your best you to relationship, and be the best partner you can be. As long as you choose a partner who makes the same effort, this will set you up for a better chance of relationship success.

Choose a Romantic Partner Carefully

If you bring your best you to relationship, you deserve the same from a partner. Use what you’ve learned about past relationships and partners to inform your selection of future romantic partners.

Pay close attention to both what worked and what didn’t in those relationships. As you make new Romantic Connections, use that information to discern whether they have either any of the positive traits or, on the flipside, any of the negative behaviors that you’ve identified from past relationships.

People are always giving us information through both their words and their behavior (Make sure their words and behavior match–if not, that’s problematic!). It’s your responsibility to pay attention to that information and compare it to your learned relationship history to set yourself up for a successful relationship in the future.

And, now that you’ve put some thought into analyzing past relationships for healthy and unhealthy behaviors, you can apply that same skillset to relationships in the present tense. By doing so, you’re able to recognize and respond to any problem behaviors in real time, hopefully averting the need for an autopsy.

Final Thoughts

For whatever reason you’re single, you have a relationship history. By autopsying relationships from your past, you can diagnose any unhealthy behaviors or traits to help inform you in making better choices going forward. Also, keep in mind what did work, to help you recognize those qualities in potential romantic partners. In my next post, we’ll examine how to apply what you’ve learned from your past relationships. In the meantime, good luck out there!

Up Next: Remember and Apply What You’ve Learned

Dating Don’t: Be Defensive

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Not too long ago, “Professor” sent me a Like on Match. When I didn’t reciprocate, he sent me a message insinuating that my lack of interest was because of color (He’s black.). Basically, he tried to shame me, a problematic move in many ways. Let’s explore why.

It’s Not a Good Look

Getting defensive is generally indicative of unresolved personal insecurities and resentments. It’s an unevolved and immature way to interact with the world. Rather than simply accepting that I wasn’t interested, Professor lashed out at my lack of interest with a personal attack. He felt bad, so he wanted to make me feel bad. He couldn’t accept my disinterest, so he maligned me as an individual.

Behaving defensively is an attempt to manipulate and get power over others. He internalized my disinterest enough to interpret it as a power imbalance where I had the upper hand. He felt defensive, so he tried to switch it up and put me on the defense.

I can understand why he’d have some resentment based on his life experience as a black man. As a woman, I certainly have some resentment about the negative ways my female identity has impacted my life experience. But it doesn’t serve me to walk through my life on the defense because I’m a woman. That doesn’t maximize my experience. That wouldn’t be me being the best version of myself. So, I strive to be better. I strive to be both strong and grace-filled. I strive to rise above my resentment.

Professor is hardly the only man I’ve come across who’s behaved in a defensive manner, and it’s never a good look. It comes off as undignified, petulant, and childish. In a dating platform context, it’s unattractive and a turn-off.

I’ve seen such defensiveness not just in interactions, but in profile summaries as well. In these summaries, the men (As a heterosexual woman, these are the profiles I see.) churn up their resentments from previous experiences and relationships. This is the face they show to potential matches. Again, not a good look. A potential match reading such a profile is probably not going to be enticed by the negative energy. It’s a turn-off, not a turn-on.

Here’s an example my friend Evan sent me from a woman’s profile:

I constantly hear about how men expect the women to look like their photos and end up being disappointed upon meeting  !!! I can assure y’all I look like mine! The question is …DO YOU LOOK LIKE YOURS?

Her profile summary continues to go on in that vein. It’s not a productive way for her to draw the kind of matches to her that she wants, if it draws anyone’s interest at all. Perhaps you’ve seen such profile summaries yourself? What was your reaction?

A profile summary is your lead. It’s your opportunity to show your best self to attract potential matches. By leading with negativity, resentment, and defensiveness, such profiles alienate potential matches rather than entice. Be better, and look better.

It’s Not a Good Strategy

I’m not sure what Professor thought that his defensive move would accomplish beyond giving him a short-term feel-better by trying to make someone else (me) feel worse. Did he think I’d engage with him? Suddenly be interested? Be apologetic? Try to defend myself against his insinuation? None of those things happened. I simply didn’t respond, because I still wasn’t interested.

Oh, but I did write a blog post about it.

Whether in your dating profile, your interactions, or your relationship, being defensive isn’t a good strategy. It’s not going to attract people to you, and it’s not going to help resolve issues. Rather, it’s going to push people away. Don’t malign the people you want to interact with, even if they don’t choose to interact with you.

My sister told me the story of a man who was resentful when he didn’t get the promotion he wanted from my brother-in-law. Similar to Professor, his response was to accuse my brother-in-law of being racist (The man is Indian.). In truth, he didn’t get the promotion because…(drum roll)…he had difficulty in his social interactions with others. Being defensive can be problematic professionally as well. It’s simply a poor strategy all-around.

Putting people on the defense is a manipulative social move, and it’s not from a well-adjusted place. When I’ve had people in my life who interact in this manner, I tend to remove myself from them as much as possible. I don’t enjoy being around such people.

Ultimately, being defensive in any social context isn’t productive and isn’t going to help you arrive at your desired outcome. It’s neither an effective nor well-adjusted way of dealing with the world. If you manifest better, you’ll attract better. Further, by conducting yourself in a more dignified manner, you’re showing yourself respect. Self-respect is a good step toward overcoming any insecurities and dealing with any resentments.

You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

My reasons for not being into Professor really don’t matter. I simply wasn’t interested. I’m not interested in a lot of men, including a lot of white men. The man I am interested in is the exception, not the rule. I get to choose who I’m interested in and who I’m not.

My criteria for who I’m interested in and attracted to are none of Professor’s business, unless, of course, he cares to read my blog where I choose to share fairly openly.

The point is, he doesn’t know me. All he needed to know was whether I was interested or not. I wasn’t. He didn’t need to know any more than that. He felt rejected, and, to cope with rejection, he found it easier to assume the worst about me to make himself feel better.

Not Everyone is Going to Be into You

Dating can be a tough gig. Rejection is part of the terms we accept when we engage in putting ourselves out there romantically. We make ourselves emotionally vulnerable, but we do so willingly, and getting hurt is part of the risk when we engage in the activity.

You can’t go white river rafting without expecting to get a little wet, and you can’t date without expecting some rejection along the way. It’s not easy, but it’s part of the gig.

When someone isn’t into you, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you per se, it just means that they don’t see you as a good fit for some reason. Don’t perseverate on the why or waste overmuch time on the people who aren’t interested in you. Rather, put your best self out there and look for someone who IS into you.

You Deserve Someone Who is into You

If you’re doing your best to manifest your best self, you deserve someone who recognizes that, sees you for who you are, and appreciates you as you are. Try not to invest too much time and worry on the people who don’t fully appreciate you or see you as a good fit for them.

It’s Not a Good Relationship Move

Being defensive in the context of a relationship isn’t a good move either. Just as it pushes people away professionally and in a dating context, it emotionally pushes away your romantic partner.

I’ve been in relationships where instead of engaging with our relationship issues in a productive, healthy, and respectful manner, my romantic partner would get defensive and attack me personally. That doesn’t help the relationship. Rather, it fosters resentment and pushes your partner away. In my case, it pushed me so far away that I ultimately ended those relationships.

Do: Be Your Best You

Don’t let your resentments guide your interactions. Those resentments may have a legitimate foundation, but they aren’t going to serve you well socially, professionally, or romantically. Have a self-awareness of any resentment, and manage that resentment in a productive way. Don’t lead with resentment and defensiveness.

Think of any resentment you carry as a bag you can check on an airline. It’s yours to deal with and unpack as you’re able, but try to check it as you interact with others. Pick up the bag and unpack it at a later date, rather than throwing its contents at other people. Maybe someday you’ll be ready to leave the bag behind altogether.

Check any negative tendencies that get in the way of manifesting your best self. By putting your best self out there, you attract better in kind.

Final Thoughts

Dating can be tough, and rejection is part of the gig. Disappointment, hurt, and resentment are all normal parts of the experience, but try to avoid leaning into those negative feelings. Don’t let the negative get the best of you, instead, be better, and try to rise above the negative.

Keep your eye on the why–the person who appreciates you for who you are. They’re why we’re putting ourselves through all of this. Do your best to rise above the negative, and manifest your best self so that you’re ready for your One.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Holiday Hacks–Navigating the Holidays as a Single

The Preciousness of Connection

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As individuals, we each have certain predispositions of personality, inclinations, and curiosities. As we come into ourselves over time, we tend to settle further into who we are, shaped, of course, by our experiences and how we grow from them or fail to. Who we are affects who we connect with and what we bring to relationship dynamic.

My last post probed the preciousness of One, the singular, the individual. When seeking romantic relationship, we commonly refer to a search for “The One.” But not anyOne can be “The One.” That’s why when you find a right person, that Connection is precious as well.

Connection is the Exception, not the Rule

There are many things to consider in seeking a romantic partner–compatibility; how they make you feel; does the relationship/situation make sense in your life; are you physically attracted to them–but Connection is more than that. Connection is an amplification of compatibility, feeling, and attraction. It’s a mutual recognition where you see and feel seen by each other, an intuitive “getting” each other, and a compulsion to know each other better. It’s the spark of life in relationship.

You aren’t going to find that kind of Connection with a random person or dating profile. The rarity of such Connection is part of its preciousness, like a gem. And while you’re not going to have Connection with every person you encounter on your romantic quest, optimally, dating is a discernment process through which you discover Connection or, at least, the kind of people you Connect with, making it easier to pinpoint good possibilities as you go forward.

A widower recently told me that, once he started dating again, the only thing important to him was that the woman was pretty. Now, several years later, he realizes that isn’t enough. While I question that he was ever shallow enough that looks were the only thing that mattered (How about some general compatibility or common interests?), as he’s continued on his journey, he’s discerned more of what he wants in a partner.

When I see a dating profile where the man says he’s not sure what he’s looking for, I know he’s early on his journey, and he’s not for me. I know well the kind of men who I Connect with and what I’m looking for in a man at this juncture, and one of those qualities is a man who knows what he wants as well.

It hasn’t always been that way, but that’s been part of the journey. When I started dating after my divorce, I went out with several men who were wrongs before I finally found a right man, and when I did, I fell for him hard. Funny thing is, I’d been with that kind of man before…

Recognizing Connection

Isaac was an echo across time of my college sweetheart. Ted was an art history major, now a conservator at the Met; Isaac, the director of a prestigious art museum. They’re both classic tall, dark, and handsome. They’re both intellectual and witty. It turns out that Isaac was the middle-aged version of the kind of man I was attracted to as a young woman.

So, Laura has a type. The art-type piece isn’t an essential part of the equation, though it’s certainly serendipitous and indicative of particular inclinations. When Isaac came into my life, I knew right away that he was the kind of man I wanted to be with. And after Isaac dumped me, I wondered, where I am I going to find another man like this?

The answer, I realized, was likely not in Lincoln or even Nebraska. If I hoped to find another such man, it would require me broadening my search geographically, so I did. As a result, I’ve made more special Connections, but even so, those Connections are far between–several months or years apart with thousands of profiles in between. Part of the preciousness of those Connections is the preciousness of each individual man and part is the rarity of finding such a Connection at all. It’s the unicorn in a herd of horses. Or the Whooping Crane amid a flock of Sandhill Cranes.

In grad school, I lived near the Sandhill Crane migration route and watched their migration annually. At that time, amid their flock was an orphaned Whooping Crane who they’d adopted as one of their own. For those of you who aren’t birders, a grown Whooping Crane is a full foot taller than a Sandhill Crane, and if you drove around the countryside watching the cranes feed in the fields, it was easy to spot the Whooping Crane, should you be lucky enough to come across it. It stood out from the rest. So does true Connection once you learn to recognize it.

With time, I’ve become skilled at recognizing such Connection quickly, or alternately, the lack of it, the latter of which spares me wasted time and energy on matches which are ultimately ill-suited. For me, Connection largely has to do with physical attraction, intellectual stimulation, how I’m treated, and a sense that I’m seen and heard. If I feel seen and heard by a man, he’s both treating me respectfully, but also “getting me.” If we can look each other in the eye, a very specific kind of looking at each other, whilst having stimulating, fun, and sexy conversation, that’s Connection. As Carrie Bradshaw would say, “Zsa zsa zsu.”

If you’re at a place in your romantic journey where you have a strong sense of what and who you seek, congratulations! Having a strong sense of the kind of match you seek and Connect with allows you to date with more purpose in your search for a romantic partner.

If you’re still not sure who or what you’re looking for, that’s worth discerning, and you have some information to go on, even if you’re returning to the dating scene after a long hiatus. Reflect on your dating and relationship history–where have you felt strong Connection before? What qualities about that/those persons and your relationship dynamic made you feel that way? Try and be as specific as possible. The more clarity you have on what draws you to people and makes you feel Connected, the more purposeful you can be in your romantic search.

Connection is Mutual

Connection is mutual, otherwise, it’s disconnection or lack of connection. You can’t be Connected to someone who isn’t Connected to you. That’s part of the power of Connection–it’s fueled by the mutualism of feeling. And again, that’s a rare, and therefore precious, thing.

Though Isaac and I have never been in a committed relationship, after a decade in my life, he said to me, “We are Connected.” Yes, we are; it’s mutual. We both feel it.

Evan said to me, “We are kindred spirits.” We are indeed. I feel it too.

Damon and I had a second date. You don’t do that long distance if you aren’t interested. And though there wasn’t a third date (his call, not mine), for over a year after our last date he looked at my profile with regularity, despite scant communication. If he didn’t feel some Connection, he wouldn’t have bothered to look at all.

Grieving Connection

Connection, though powerful, doesn’t guarantee relationship success, because Connection doesn’t necessitate that both parties are willing to commit to doing the work of relationship, and relationship requires an effort by both. If relationship were only about Connection, I wouldn’t still be single. I’ve Connected.

David often talked about the power of our Connection. More than once he told me that when he dreams about people he knows, they never look like themselves, yet whenever he dreamt of me, I always did. He put that down to the strength of our Connection. We both recognized our Connection quickly and were swept up in it. At some point though, the power of our Connection was too much for him. He panicked and retreated, emotionally devastating me.

The higher you are, the further you have to fall. When Connection doesn’t work out, it’s painful. The more emotionally Connected you are, the more emotions you have to navigate when the Connection misfires. That’s not just disappointment, that’s grief. And grief can arise regardless of how briefly you dated or whether you were even in a committed relationship at all, because grief is emotion and Connection is an emotional manifestation of a relationship. Connection is something you feel.

That feeling, that sense of the Other being so very special, that hurt when a Connection doesn’t work out and the person removes themself from you, goes to the preciousness of Connection. If the Connection wasn’t precious we wouldn’t mourn it.

Connection is Precious

I’ve had committed relationship without Connection, and I’ve had Connection without committed relationship. While I prefer the latter than the former, ideally Connection and committed relationship are aligned. However, that takes both parties recognizing the preciousness of their Connection and acting on that.

I’ve had Connection with men who recognized our Connection, yet failed to follow-through with action. Disappointing on my end, and I can’t help but think Foolish on their end, but that’s their choice to make, and they have their reasons. Yet it feels like a beautiful waste.

If you have Connection with someone, recognize and appreciate how lucky you are. You have more than relationship, you’ve hit the mother lode, a rare and precious gift. Don’t take it for granted. Don’t squander it. Don’t play games with it. Follow it. Cherish it. Accommodate it. Prioritize it. Be grateful.

Of course, your other option is turning away from Connection or settling for less than. But if your goal is a romantic relationship, why would you want to do that?

And If you’re still seeking that elusive and lasting Connection, you’re not alone. Persist. We may have Connections behind us, but surely there’s another ahead of us waiting to be found. Carry on with your search, being mindful to recognize Connection when you’re blessed with it.

Good luck in your search!

Up Next: Dating Don’t–Be Defensive

Maneuvering Complicated Relationships

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If you’re over thirty and single, it’s likely not because you’ve never had a special romantic connection, but rather that the connections you’ve had miscarried for one reason or another. The fallout from such a miscarriage can be a complicated space to maneuver.

Scenario: You Walked Down that Road, but it Didn’t Work Out

Single at this point in our lives, we’ve all visited this scenario, yes?

When David and I found each other, I thought my days of searching were behind me, that I was done collecting stamps in my passport and had finally arrived at my destination. He said, “I’ve been looking for you so long,” and “I never want you farther than an arm’s length away,” and “I want you here with me in Santa Fe.” He made me feel like THE woman. And yet, as you may infer from the heading, it didn’t work out.

Some part of David panicked about commitment. He came back a few times, but, inevitably, he always panicked and disappeared. At some point, he asked if we could be friends. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t going to be just another ex-girlfriend who’d shifted into the “friend” category. That would’ve devalued the power of our connection. And frankly, I couldn’t emotionally handle being “friends” with a man I loved so deeply. As emotionally difficult it was, it was easier to extricate him from my life altogether.

Damon and I only had two dates, but with long distance, you don’t bother going on a second date unless there’s some compelling chemistry on the first. And though there wasn’t a third date (his call, not mine), he played peekaboo with my Match profile for several months after our second date, looking silently but not actively engaging with me. He clearly liked me, but also had reservations.

A little over a year after our second date, Damon finally stopped playing peekaboo At that point, it was a relief. As long as he played peekaboo, it kept the flame of little-h hope alive, a wistful place to live. When he finally disappeared, it made it easier to face the reality that We weren’t going to happen.

With both David and Damon, if We weren’t going to work as a couple, it was emotionally easier to not interact with them at all.

Yet with Stanley, who I dated for four years, I’ve managed stay amicably connected. Why can I manage maintaining contact with him versus David and Damon? Perhaps with Stanley, it’s as simple as I’m the one who called our relationship off, so I’d already made peace with no longer being an Us. On his end, I think he initially held out hope we’d reconcile. Now, he’s remarried, so that hope’s in the rearview mirror, yet he still seems able to comfortably interact with me without the hope or expectation that we’ll ever be more than we currently are.

With some men who I’ve been romantically involved with, I’m able to handle maneuvering the tricky space of our post-romantic connection and with others, I can’t. Likewise, I’ve had men that post-romance couldn’t handle maneuvering that space with me. And that’s fine. It’s a tricky space to maneuver.

When faced with these tricky spaces, we each need to find what we can handle; what we’re comfortable with; and what, within reason, we want to, and are willing to, make of that space. Most importantly, how can we make that space an emotionally healthy place to inhabit? If we can’t, we may need to abandon that space altogether.

Scenario: The Chemistry is Strong but Relationship Doesn’t Manifest

This is a scenario that I’ve recently been struggling with in my own life.

I became acquainted with Evan over a year ago. He lives in Florida and, from the beginning, made clear that he didn’t see a long distance relationship “in the stars” for him. Despite that, he was taken enough with my Match profile that he felt compelled to get to know me. Our first phone conversation lasted four and a half hours. The words between us flowed easily. He said that we’re “kindred spirits.” We clicked.

On my end, I found (and continue to find) Evan attractive on many fronts–he’s tall and good-looking; he’s stimulating conversation; he’s compassionate and considerate; he’s successful and ambitious; he comes with a great (British) accent, and he’s the one of the funniest people I know. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel appreciated. He makes me feel cared for. He’s the kind of man I seek as a life partner. And while I’m grateful for our connection, it’s always been bittersweet for me–the sweetness of our connection coupled with the bitterness of the limits he’s imposed upon it.

Of late, as sweet as Evan is, the flavor I’m left with is bitter. The feelings have become too hard. Why now? It’s complicated.

Perhaps it’s because the flirting’s taken a heavier turn than it has in a long time, stirring up my emotions and desire–something I can’t afford to do when the signage on the road to him reads “Dead End.”

Or maybe, as a “friend” with chemistry, I’ve surpassed my threshold of tolerance for hearing about the women he’s dating.

Maybe it’s that he’s recently mentioned dating possibilities with women out-of-state, but retains his no-long-distance limits with me, suddenly making his lifestyle choice seems more like a personal rejection. At this point in my life, that doesn’t sit well with me.

And frankly, the juxtaposition of hearing about other women; having limits enforced on our relationship; yet simultaneously being sexually enticed is, well, emotionally discombobulating.

In all of this, of course, I recognize feelings of jealousy, and I don’t like feeling that way. I want Evan to be happy, but right now, I’m unable to bear witness to that happiness regarding other women. It’s a tricky emotional space to maneuver. Too tricky for me right now.

So, what to do when you’re feeling tricky emotions? Create emotional distance as you’re able and set boundaries to take care of yourself.

For me, that means that I need to step back from our relationship for now. I need to take some time away from him to allow my emotions to calm. And as long as there’s “Dead End” signage for me on the road to him, I need to set my own boundaries (i.e., no heavy flirting) to be able to comfortably live with his limits. I need to find new ways to maneuver in this relationship, because The Way We Were isn’t working for me anymore. Our relationship isn’t just on his terms, but also on mine.

And yet, conversely, there’s Isaac. He’s been in my life for over a decade now. Our chemistry and connection are strong, yet it also come with limits. Isaac’s limits. With time, I’ve learned to negotiate those limits in a way that I’m struggling to with Evan right now. I can indulge the heavy flirting with Isaac in a way I’m currently unable to with Evan.

What’s the difference? Time, perhaps. Or maybe different relationship histories and origin stories. But ultimately, each relationship has its own unique dynamic and what works to maneuver one connection successfully might not work for another and might not work consistently across time. Find your comfort zone for each unique connection and across time.

Scenario: The Interest is One-Sided

In this scenario, there’s an imbalance in the level of interest. One person has romantic feelings that aren’t reciprocated–the “unrequited love” of literature. But if it’s not requited, is it really love or simply a crush?

With Pierre, while I was intrigued enough to get to know him, I soon realized I didn’t feel the chemistry of romance. When I expressed this to him, he wanted to stay in touch, to “be friends.” We continued to talk for a while, but he began to push at the limits I set, as if I could be convinced to have feelings for him. When he was unable to accept my limits without trying to push beyond, I had to go from being friendly to curt, in order to make my point.

I met Keith walking on the trail near my house. Our acquaintance began as simply a smile of recognition. One day, he broke the ice and we started talking. Eventually, we become walking buddies. I liked Keith, but never felt any romantic chemistry with him. One day, he asked if he could kiss me. Politely, I declined. I valued our connection, but desired nothing more than friendship with him. He accepted that, and we remained friends. He’s now married to someone who suits him much better than I ever could have.

In the case of men who I don’t feel romantic chemistry with, I’m careful not to flirt with them whatsoever, for if you don’t have romantic inclinations for someone, it’s unfair and unkind to flirt and lead them on. To flirt where you lack intention or desire is about ego and game-playing. We’re not in high school anymore, and we should be beyond such behavior.

Maneuvering

This past summer, I went on a date with a birder. From him, I learned many interesting things about birds, including that birds who live in forests tend to have long tail feathers for quick and precise maneuvering among the trees. Birds who live in open spaces tend to have shorter tails, as they have no need for such maneuvering. This strikes me as a good analogy for different kinds of relationships.

Our easier, more straightforward relationships are the open spaces where we can soar and freely explore the expanses. No deft maneuvering required, no “Dead End” signs.

The forest is full of trees to maneuver around, obstacles to straightforward flight. Obstacles are the limits and complications in our relationships, the tricky bits. It takes skill to maneuver in these spaces, sometimes more skill than we may possess.

In maneuvering your complicated relationships, the key is being respectful of others whilst also taking care of yourself, whether you’re establishing limits for yourself, abiding by someone else’s limits, or working within the limits of the situation.

Considerations for maneuvering your complicated relationships include: the value of the person/relationship to you; what limits you’re comfortable with; what limits you may need; how you feel; whether or not any emotional discomfort is manageable (and worth the discomfort); whether you feel able to maneuver the tricky spaces; and if you need to create emotional distance or potentially remove yourself from the relationship altogether.

Scenario: You’re In a Relationship

When you’re in a committed relationship, that person should be the priority, and it’s your job to ensure that they feel they are. To that end, consider whether you need to put additional limits on any complicated relationships that you have. If the person you’re in relationship with feels justifiably threatened or jealous, you risk the relationship and losing your person.

For me, that means that when I’m in a committed relationship, I establish boundaries on any flirtatious activity outside of that relationship, such as with Isaac. I don’t sever the connection, nor do I go silent, I simply pull back from flirtation. When in a relationship, I save the flirtation for the man who offers me expanses, not the one who imposes limits.

Final Thoughts

There are many scenarios that can make a relationship complicated and tricky to maneuver, and each relationship dynamic is unique. Find your comfort zone where you can remain emotionally healthy within each of your complicated relationships, and remember that what that comfort zone is may change with time.

Take care of yourself and good luck maneuvering out there!

Up Next: The Preciousness of One

Processing Relationship Dynamics

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I’ve been thinking a lot about Relationship Dynamics lately. My last post, Going All In (inspired by an ongoing conversation I’ve had with my friend Jeff) addresses the importance of discerning your Relationship Dynamic before leveling up your relationship. However, I’ve also been thinking about Relationship Dynamics as I process my last two connections, both of which seemed promising going into the date, yet were ultimately disappointing in ways which surprised me.

Relationship Dynamic Defined

A Relationship Dynamic is the shared space of a Venn Diagram created where two individuals come together. It’s a creative space that can be whatever the two individuals who come together choose to make of it. It’s a unique space, because no two other individuals share that exact same space. “Dynamic” references how energy manifests, and each relationship has an energy. What that energy looks like and feels like is determined by the individuals in the relationship.

Though this blog is devoted to dating and romantic relationships, ALL relationships have dynamics, not just romantic relationships. My Relationship Dynamics are different with my mother than with my father, because they’re different people. I have a different Relationship Dynamic with my cousin-friend Michele than with my friend Ed. I have different Relationship Dynamics with each of my sons, colleagues, friends, and neighbors. Consider the different Relationship Dynamics at play in your life and the different energies in your relationships. What are you bringing to those dynamics?

When considering a romantic Relationship Dynamic, there are several factors to think about:

  • What is the energy level of that space–Energetic? Lethargic? Low-key?
  • What is the physical chemistry of that space–Stimulating? Tactile? Electric? Cold? Hot?
  • How does that space feel–Safe? Unsettling? Tense? Calm? Aloof? Exciting? Boring? Lonely? Fun?
  • Does that space make sense to you? If not, why?
  • Do you feel seen, heard, and honored in that space? If not, that’s problematic.

That space can be many things. In a romantic relationship, I want that shared space to feel fun, safe, stimulating, sexy, and exciting. What is that space to you? What do you want it to be?

Discernment of the Individuals

Though carefully discerning a potential match before going on a date is always important, as I date long distance, it’s all the more imperative for me. I’m neither going to put my safety at risk, nor waste my time and expense travelling, unless I have a good sense of the man I’m meeting and that he’s worth the time, money, and effort involved. He must be compelling enough for me to want to explore the possibility of Us and the Relationship Dynamic that we create, despite the challenge of distance.

To that end, before my last two dates, I did a Google search to ensure the men were who they represented themselves to be. That was easy enough as they’re both successful individuals, one even something of a celebrity in his field.

As much as possible, I also discerned the type of men they were and whether they were each a connection worth exploring from our interactions on the Match.com platform, and afterward through our phone conversations and text exchanges. Hours were spent on the phone before plans were ever made for a date. One day alone, I spent over four hours on the phone with R.

I liked them; I was attracted to them; I was intrigued by them. They’re both intellectual, worldly, perceptive, stimulating, and funny–rather dry wits, as they’re both British. All systems said, “Go for it!” So we did. In each case, we arranged for a date.

The Relationship Dynamics…

…were frankly disappointing. And that, after ample vetting and discerning.

With the added dimensionality of sharing the same physical space over time, both men revealed themselves to be condescending. (I don’t put this down to them being British. I’ve had this problem with plenty of American men as well.). The Relationship Dynamics were out-of-balance.

The condescension manifested in different ways with each of them. P had a tendency to mansplain, while R was angry and confrontational. With the former, the shared space felt didactic. With the latter, it felt like a debate which I was inadequately prepared for, lacking hard data and a bulleted list of talking points ready to go.

And what did I bring to the dynamic? I’m a confident woman, but I’m also an empath and a lover. I’m both strong and soft. I went on these dates to connect but felt the disconnect. I’m confident enough to own my intellect, as well as its limits. I welcomed their knowledge and experience, yet felt my own was discounted. The empath in me attempted to see their point-of-view, but this attempt went unreciprocated.

In both cases, the condescension was unexpected and with R it was so intense as to be discombobulating. I tried to give grace, but was allowed little in turn. I tried to stand up for myself while being verbally pummeled by R, but felt that I did so inadequately.

Perhaps that’s for the best, as it may have only further fueled R’s rage, a rage which I didn’t trigger, but nevertheless became the outlet for. We were supposed to be trying to play on the same team, but somehow our time together morphed into a competition which I had no desire to engage in and did my best to deflect. Ultimately, no one won in that scenario.

Processing Relationship Dynamics

I certainly had a lot to process after these dates. And that’s my entire point. I’ve been at this dating gig for a long time, I know what I’m doing, and yet there are still plenty of curve balls and always new things to learn. That’s because each person is a unique individual, as is each Relationship Dynamic.

To that end, it’s important to be mindful of what you’ve already learned from past relationships and experience; to pay attention in real time to the information a potential match is giving you through their words and actions; and to continue to grow and learn yourself through new experiences.

As to my experiences with P and R, I found myself revisiting lessons that I’d already learned. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes the knowledge and memory of a lesson learned isn’t enough. Sometimes I need to reexperience it to solidify the lesson, to practice the lesson again in real time. Just as with anything–from yoga to Italian to guitar–the more you practice and review with proper attentiveness, the more mastery you attain.

Here I share some of my processing with you as an example of that continued growth and learning. As I process, I learn what I can from their behavior, from my behavior, and from our dynamic in that shared space. And while we can glean insight from other’s behavior that may serve us in the future, it’s our own behavior that we need to focus on, because that’s the only thing we have agency over in the shared space of relationship.

Knowing Yourself and What You Bring to the Dynamic

Processing in reflection with time is a strength of mine. I’m good at turning things over in my head and examining situations from different perspectives. This in turn, gives me insight into a situation and the behavior of people involved, including myself. The more temporal and emotional distance I have from a situation, the more perspective I can get.

Over time, I’ve improved at thinking on my feet in the moment, but this isn’t where my natural talents lie. I’m particularly aware of this when I’m put on the spot, as I was with R, who was raring for a debate.

With this knowledge of myself, of my intellectual strengths and weaknesses, when I reflect on my time with P and R, I recognize that I gave them grace by not calling them out on their condescending behaviors. Perhaps that was overly soft of me, yet I do want to be as grace-giving as I reasonably can, and if they aren’t able to allow grace in turn, that’s more of a reflection that our shared space is not somewhere I can thrive.

For instance, when I took P to an Indian restaurant where I worked for several years in college (a fact he was aware of), he remarked on a traditional clay oven that was in the hallway saying, “That’s called a tandoor.” Now, a person doesn’t work at an Indian restaurant for six years without knowing that a traditional clay oven is called a tandoor. I looked at him kind of funny as I processed in the moment…Was he not connecting the dots? This would be giving him the grace of it slipping his mind that I worked here, and that of course I would know it was called a tandoor. Or, Did he really think I was that clueless?

Thinking quickly (Not my strength, but I did my best.), I considered possible responses. I could get defensive (passive-aggressive). I could call him out on his condescension (assertive or aggressive depending on how I did it). I could make a joke and laugh it off (potentially avoidant, depending on how I handled it). But I opted for simply saying, “Yes, I know,” in an affirmative tone, no sarcasm, no passive-aggression, no aggression, simply owning my knowledge. Did I stand up for myself? Yes, but not in a loud manner.

Though R was more verbally aggressive, I conducted myself similarly. I’m sure at times he could tell that I was annoyed or frustrated. If I disagreed, I’d say so, though not in an argumentative way, rather, simply offering that I had a different point of view, and also that I appreciated hearing his perspective and that he gave me something to think about. But sometimes, it was simply easier to not engage with his argument.

Insights on the Dynamics

One night at dinner with R, I mentioned that I’ve had a fairly lonely life– I was a misfit growing up; I was unhappily married; I’ve been single for fourteen years…plenty of lonely. Only he never heard my story or examples, he cut me off at “I’ve had a fairly lonely life–,” replying that I don’t know anything about being lonely, that I haven’t wandered in the wilderness for three days without talking to another human being, as he had. And no, I haven’t. But there’s a spectrum of lonely. Lonely isn’t one thing; there are many faces to it. He discounted my point-of-view. He discounted me.

I could’ve stood up to R on this point, but instead I let it go. Reflecting at the airport after the date, I regretted that I hadn’t stood up for myself more, in this instance and some others, but with the further distance of time and emotion, I wonder what good would it have done? Would he have seen me? I doubt it. Was it worth fighting to be seen by someone who’d put on blinders to me? Probably not.

Perhaps if I’d thought to go meta, to ask Why we were discoursing this way, it might’ve been a more conducive approach. This is the best rearview mirror option I can think of to honor the woman I strive to be–strong, authentic, and loving. Perhaps it’s an idea worth noting for the future, but it didn’t occur to me in the moment, and ultimately, it wasn’t going to save anything.

There’s a part of me that still wishes I’d stood up for myself more, but that’s me still coming to terms with and making peace with who I was and what happened in those Relationship Dynamics. I’m reminded of some of my mantras, previous lessons that these recent experiences have me revisiting, “Stand up for yourself in your relationships” and “Don’t give your power away…and don’t abuse it,” come to mind.

And yet, I don’t like being put in a position where I have to stand up for myself. Certainly, that’s not where I want to live in a romantic Relationship Dynamic. Rather, I want a dynamic where I’m seen, heard, honored, and respected. A space where we can disagree in a discussion without it being a debate. Somewhere that I don’t need to stand up for myself, because I’m not put in that position. A place where we’re on the same team, not in competition with one another.

While I certainly have feelings about how P and R conducted themselves, I reflect on my behavior within the Relationship Dynamic rather than perseverating on theirs, because that’s where my control lies. I have agency, but only over myself. The only part of the dynamic within my control is my own behavior so, to evolve toward better, I need to own what is mine to own and learn from it. But in doing so, I need to be careful not to own what isn’t mine, and learn from that as well.

And what can I learn from what isn’t mine to own? I can remember some of my Relationship Values: Do I feel seen and heard? Does it make sense? How do I feel? And in that respect, the Relationship Dynamics with P & R weren’t right. And that’s about the space created by both of us, not just me.

And What About You?

How are your Relationship Dynamics? What do you have to process? How do you process them?

Are you good at thinking quickly in the moment and responding to relationship curveballs in real time? Do you need time to process Relationship Dynamics to learn from them?

Do you process the dynamics with intention? Do you zoom out to look at the dynamics from different perspectives? Do you try to understand where potential matches might be coming from?

Are you mindful of your strengths? Your weaknesses?

Are you considerate of potential matches in that space? Do you take care of yourself in that space? Are you able to be the person you strive to be in that space? Do you own what is yours to own? Are you careful not to own what isn’t yours to own?

Do you remember and revisit the lessons you’ve already learned?

Do you pay attention to whether the shared space makes sense? Whether you feel seen and heard in that space? How that shared space feels?

Ultimately, my hope is that the story of how I’ve processed some of my recent Relationship Dynamics is useful to you as you think about how you process your own Relationship Dynamics. If you feel affirmed in your own processing skills, fantastic! If I’ve given you some ideas to stretch your thinking and get new perspective, that’s growth-oriented and a rewarding journey to be on. Either way, you’re doing great!

Final Thoughts

The Relationship Dynamic of each relationship, romantic or otherwise, is unique. It’s dependent on what the two individuals in relationship bring to that shared space. You can only control what you bring to that space and do your best to discern whether a particular Relationship Dynamic is a space where you can thrive as an individual. May you find and inhabit such a space.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Maneuvering Complicated Relationships

Going All In

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In my last post, I addressed the Paradox of Choice regarding online dating and how the paradox is as real or unreal as a dating platform user chooses to make it. If you’re truly seeking a romantic partnership, then it’s up to you to recognize when you’ve found the kind of match you’re looking for and act upon that. Going All In is about making a commitment to that person.

Discernment

Even if your ultimate goal is a committed romantic relationship, it’s obviously not a great idea to jump headlong into relationship without some thought and reflection. I refer to this process as Discernment.

Discerning the Individual

One type of Discernment is at the level of the individual. Do you find them attractive? Interesting? Do you have points of commonality? Similar visions? You can discern the answers to these questions both by looking at an online profile and through conversation. Yeses are an encouragement to move forward. Any noes should give you pause.

Do Your Research

Part of the Discernment process and getting to know potential matches should include verifying who they are and ensuring there are no red flags. Be reasonably cautious and skeptical as part of your initial discernment. Do a Google search to make sure they are who they say are, so that you’re neither putting yourself at risk, nor blindsided with a nasty surprise later. Have they declared bankruptcy before? Been married multiple times? Do they have a criminal arrest record? Is there a protection order against them? Don’t assume anything. Sketchy characters try to pass as people with good character.

Are they hard to find information about online? That’s an unusual circumstance anymore and should give you pause. Years ago, I went on a few dates with a supposedly successful businessman, but when I did a Google search on him there was nothing to be found. Being hard to locate online is not a pro-business move, and it certainly suggested his level of success wasn’t what he indicated. Ultimately, with some investigating, I discovered that he’d lied about his name and that he was a scam artist with criminal charges against him. It was a good lesson for me to learn early. Do due diligence and do your research early–before you get emotionally involved or put yourself physically or financially at risk.

Pay Attention to Information

People are always giving us information. Pay attention to the words and behavior of potential matches. This is how people reveal themselves. Are they a good listener or do they talk over you? Are they kind or condescending to servers? Are they reasonably generous or miserly? Narrow-minded or broad-minded? Patient or Impatient? Are they argumentative? Considerate? Jealous? Are they emotionally available?

Use the information you gather to discern whether or not an individual might make a good potential match. Note their good qualities, but be on the watch for any red flags in their words and behavior to help you discern if they aren’t a savory fit.

Also note whether their words match their behavior. If there’s a mismatch, that’s problematic. They either lack self-awareness or aren’t trustworthy. Lack of self-awareness is a shortcoming, and trust is a key foundation of any relationship. Bail and save yourself.

Recently, I went out with a man who was many things. He revealed himself to be perceptive, talented, knowledgeable, thoughtful, and generous. However, with time, he also revealed himself to be angry, non-empathetic, judgmental, and a poor listener–not good relationship qualities. There were many things I liked about him, and while I don’t regret the experience, in the end, I deserved to be treated better than I was. Pay attention to the not-so-savory information as well as the better bits.

Discerning the Connection

If you’ve adequately discerned the individual and you’re pulled-in rather than put-off, then give attention to the relationship dynamic. The relationship dynamic is the shared space of the Venn Diagram created where two individuals come together. What is the chemistry of that space? How do you feel in that space? Does that space make sense to you? Do you feel seen, heard, and honored in that space?

I want that shared space to feel fun, safe, stimulating, sexy and exciting. What do you want that shared space to feel like? If the relationship dynamic is a match for what you’re seeking, then hooray! You’re ready to consider Going All In.

Going All In

If you’ve found a right person with whom you have right connection, then you’ve won the relationship lottery! This is no small thing–be grateful. Now, let’s discern how to go forward from here.

Going All In doesn’t mean that you’re blindly throwing all caution to the wind; it simply means that you see a chance worth taking. Life is full of risks–getting in a car; relocating; having a baby; accepting/quitting a job; investing in the stock market; going on a date. And yet, without taking risks, we risk not living full lives. The trick is to optimize the risks we take. Discernment is part of that optimization.

Think of a professional poker player. They aren’t going to go all in on a random hand or in every game. Rather, using their knowledge and experience, they’re paying attention to the cards; they’re paying attention to the other players; and when they get the right hand and the timing is right; that’s when they push all their chips in. They take in information and discern the right moment to make their move and take that gamble. If you’ve discerned a person is worth the gamble, take it.

Different Levels of Going All In

Going All In is leveling up your relationship, but there are different levels of Going All In. Going All In can start with choosing to date each other exclusively, saying, “I choose you,” and walking down that road together to see where it takes you. Going All In with someone can be as simple as saying “no” to other options.

After walking down that road a ways (You get to define that timeline.), if you continue to choose each other, and the “us” you created is good, then consider whether you’re ready to Go All In at a higher level of commitment, such as moving in together or marriage.

Actively Choosing

My friend Jeff and I have had several conversations about Going All In over the past year. Last year, a mutual friend of ours remarried. She’d been tragically widowed twenty months prior. It was fast on the heels of her husband’s death for sure, but that’s just how it happened, not how she planned it.

Our mutual friend had reconnected with someone she’d known for a long time (She’d discerned the kind of person he was many years prior.), they were both widowed, and they had good chemistry (the relationship dynamic). They were lucky to find each other, lucky to fall in love, and they recognized their luck, not taking it for granted. They chose not to give power to anyone who might judge the timing, and they went All In for Love. They leveled up their relationship, recognizing in each other what they wanted, and actively choosing to commit to that, declaring, “We’ll figure it out.”

It strikes me that that is what Love is–a recognition and a prioritization: We’ve found each other! Now, let’s figure out how we can make it work. Figuring out how to make it work is a team effort, not a burden to fall on one partner.

As a couple, they had an awareness of the challenges they would face combining families, each bringing their own special challenges to the union, but ultimately they were willing to face those challenges to be together, to do the work they needed to do to be together, and trusting that they loved each other enough to figure it out as a team.

I recently met a woman who told me that when she was dating her current husband (who’d been widowed), he initially hid their relationship from his teenage son. When Dean’s son found out about the relationship, he was upset. Jean suggested that they take a break from the relationship until his family was more ready, but Dean stepped up and chose her. Dean claimed the relationship and told his son that Jean was going to be part of their lives. They’ve been married for several years now, and Dean’s son came around.

A successful romantic relationship takes two people with right connection to understand their good fortune at finding each other and who commit to each other. It’s that easy.

A successful and healthy romantic relationship also involves not looking around for someone better, not imposing limits on what the relationship can be, not taking each other for granted, continuing to choose each other, leaning into the relationship (being aloof won’t work), and willingly engaging in the the work that comes with relationship. So while it’s easy, it’s also hard. And people are definitely good at making it harder than it needs to be. We’re really good at getting in our own way. If we weren’t, there wouldn’t be so many rom-coms.

…or Not

In the same time frame that our mutual friend was Going All In, Jeff had been in an on-again off-again relationship. He decided that he was ready to level up the relationship and discussed moving in together with his (now ex-)girlfriend. She spoke as if she was on board, yet she never did anything actionable to help manifest it as a concrete reality. For her, it was an abstract notion, something further down the road, something to put off indefinitely, not something that could happen over the weekend. Frustrated, Jeff ultimately chose to walk away.

Similarly, another friend’s brother was in a long-term committed relationship but reluctant to level it up from dating exclusively. My friend Abby knew her brother’s girlfriend wanted to level up despite her brother’s conviction not to. A conundrum. The girlfriend chose to play the saint and patiently wait, hoping his mindset might shift with time. That was her choice to make. And it was his rightful choice to keep the relationship at its current level. How happy does that situation sound? Does she sound happy? Does he?

Myself, I’d rather be alone than passively wait around for a man to decide I’m worth choosing. I want agency in relationship. I also want to feel chosen, appreciated, and wanted. I’m worth that, and I want a man who recognizes my worth.

David recognized my worth, and, in contrast to the Jeff’s and Abby’s brother’s scenario, we went All In quickly. We recognized our connection and chemistry right away. But then, he panicked. He wanted me but was afraid of us. He went All In, then walked away from the table. For us, Love was a losing game. And sometimes it is. David is a self-aware man, yet he didn’t know himself well enough to recognize that he didn’t have the follow-through to commit, even to someone he wanted. Do you? Know yourself and act accordingly.

If you have reservations about Going All In with someone who you’ve walked a ways down the road of relationship with, it’s worth considering–Why? What’s the source of your reservation? Is your romantic partner not the person you want to Go All In with? If so, why is that? Or, is Going All In not what you’re looking for in relationship? Why is that? Being able to answer these questions will help you understand yourself and your relationship, allowing you in turn to make more informed choices, even if you don’t choose to Go All In.

Final Thoughts

Going All In is something to do purposefully and with proper discernment, but if you’ve found a right person and connection, and a committed relationship is what you want, then go for it–leave behind the paradox of choice and make a choice. Carpe diem! Good luck out there!

Up Next: Processing Relationship Dynamics

Flip It

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Feeling stuck? Need a new perspective? Unhappy with your situation? I’ve certainly been there. Sometimes it helps to flip your thinking and find a new point-of-view.

Until recently, I visualized my post-divorce life in volumes. This began a few years after my divorce, when I got a moleskine journal and commenced writing my experience down in earnest. At the end of a year, I had the first draft of a memoir manuscript. The thing is, I kept living and evolving beyond where the manuscript left off. If the manuscript itself was Volume 1, what followed must be Volume 2, and so on…each time I molted and shifted to a new theme or experience, I moved on to a new volume.

Last fall, I felt stuck. Every romance I’d had in the past couple of years had blown up in my face one way or another, and though I was pushing at my life both professionally and geographically, my life wasn’t expanding as fully as I wanted. I needed to change things up and flip my perspective. I needed to shift from feeling stuck to feeling the hope of possibility. One day, frustrated with Volume 4, I arbitrarily declared it to be Volume 5.

In reflection, I was able to denote the transition to more than just my mental need for a shift–my eldest had left for college in Boston and my youngest had graduated from high school. They were transitioning into adulthood and, by default, my life was transitioning too. What themes for this new phase? I determined the need to Liberate myself from feeling stuck; I wanted to Manifest at a different level; and I wanted it to be on My Terms, to feel like I had more control in my life than I was feeling at the time.

A few days into my attempt to get into a better headspace, I became the recipient of the obsessive attentions of an electronic stalker. This didn’t help my headspace. I was annoyed and concerned by this development, but also frustrated that just as I was setting out to find a better mindset, the Universe seemed determined to foil me in that attempt.

Despite this setback to my attempt at manifesting something better, I handled the situation well. A weekend that began in Fear, ended in Anger. I determined to give the situation as much attention as necessary and as little as possible. I wasn’t going to give the creep power over me or control over my experience. I relegated him to the margins. I filed a case with the police and had him ticketed. Fortunately, he desisted, and that was the end of it.

Though the stalker was an unwelcome intrusion into my life, nevertheless, I embodied the themes I was striving for–I Liberated myself from him; I Manifested Strength not Fear; I handled the situation on My Terms, not giving it or him power over my experience. Essentially, I flipped the situation from an experience that was happening to me to a situation that I was taking control of. Both are truths, but rather than allow a man uninvited into my life to control my experience, I flipped it and showed him the door, the police serving as my bouncers. It would have been easy to have let Fear control my experience, but I chose Anger. Anger is a more empowering stance, and my anger was certainly justified.

Flipping It is about finding a new point of view and a different approach. It’s about shifting perspective and thinking more expansively. Flipping It is an active, not a passive move. It’s not static, nor the status quo. Rather,Flipping it invites personal growth, evolution, and possibility.

When I shifted from Volume 4 to 5, I was feeling stuck and trying to flip my perspective to a better place. When the stalker intruded into my experience, I flipped the scenario by choosing to interact with the experience on My Terms rather than just let it be something that happened to me. A few months ago, I flipped my vision again, determining that I no longer wanted to be bound by living my life in volumes. Going forward, I choose to live beyond volumes, unbound.

A coin has two sides. We can choose to look passively at just one side of the coin, and that is a reality–but it isn’t the full reality. If we actively flip the coin, we find a completely different side and a more complete reality. Flipping it is looking for the more expansive truth, the fuller picture.

Are there places in your life where you are feeling stuck or unsatisfied? Consider how you might flip your thinking and reenvision the siutation. This can be applied to your experiences in dating and relationship, as well as other realms of your life.

If you’re sad a potential match didn’t call or message you back, it’s okay to be disappointed, but flip that scenario–you deserve someone who does call and message you. Own that. Refrain from giving the person who doesn’t show up for you more power over your experience than they deserve.

Recently, my ex’s widow sent me a vitriolic email. I could’ve engaged with her gripes and accusations, but there’s no reasoning with irrational people. She was lashing out and looking for a fight. I responded that if she wanted to discuss something with me, then she needed to behave in a more dignified manner. She was unable to do that, so I blocked her. She created drama; I cut her out of my no-drama universe. She wanted power over me; I undercut her power. She couldn’t treat me with respect; she’ll no longer have the opportunity to interact with me. She couldn’t abide by My Terms, so I Liberated myself from her, Manifesting with a grace and dignity that she lacked.

I used to work with a woman who was belligerent at times. I didn’t tolerate her belligerence, nor did I yield to her aggressiveness. With time, she came to like me because she respected me. And with that, she became more pleasant to be around altogether. I didn’t accept her terms of interaction, but created My Terms of interaction, reframing what the nature of our relationship would be.

In the past two examples, people were behaving badly. Rude comments and mean behavior says more about the person behaving that way than it says about the person that behavior targets. If someone mistreats you, it’s natural to feel hurt, but if you flip that coin, you deserve to be treated well. Bullies like power and will take as much as we give them. Better to undercut them, taking away their fuel.

Years ago, I went out with a man who told me in detail all of the things that he wanted and deserved as a 52 year-old divorced man. As he rambled on, I kept thinking, “What about what I want?” He never asked. My wants and needs were the other side of the coin which he never bothered to consider. That was not a scenario which was sustainable from a relationship point-of-view. In a healthy relationship, partners consider and honor their partner’s feelings as well as their own.

That goes for your self-relationship as well. Do you treat yourself with kindness? Or have you participated in negative self-talk? In the past, I was prone to this, beating myself up about both my appearance (i.e., I wish I had bigger boobs.) and my behavior (i.e., Why did I do that?). Negative self-messaging doesn’t help get yourself to better, rather it makes you feel worse, helpless, and doomed to that reality. Ultimately, I had to flip that line of thinking to feel better and to be better. I had to find my beauty and trust that at any given moment I was doing my best to be my best self. If negative self-talk and poor self-image is a problem for you, try flipping negative self-talk into a positive mantra.

My self-confidence is not an innate quality but a hard-won right. I’ve been in toxic relationships in the past, including an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage. I knew I deserved better, and yet I devalued myself by over-staying in those relationships. When I began writing mantras for myself about how I want to manifest and who I want to be, an early one was simply, “I am worthy.” It’s a truth I knew, but wasn’t manifesting. I hadn’t internalized that message. It was in my head, but hadn’t yet made it into my heart.

A mantra is a way to fake it until you make it. Faking it is simply practicing the skill; Making it is the mastery of the skill. With time, I mastered the skill of self-worth through the mantra of reminding myself that I am worthy. That mantra has since been retired, because I no longer need it–I’m manifesting it. What negative self-talk do you need to flip? How can you turn that into a positive mantra?

A colleague of mine recently told me the story of a discouraging interaction with one of our coworkers who she’d worked with in another building. In both buildings, they’ve been on the same team. My colleague complained of feeling “stuck” with this coworker and asked herself, “What do I need to learn?” She was trying to reframe the situation in a productive way. This is an evolved perspective, and I told my colleague as much, but I also further expanded her reframing, offering that maybe it’s our coworker that has something to learn from her. My colleague isn’t the problem, and it’s not her work to do, even though she’s willing to do it.

What isn’t working for you in your life? How can you flip your thinking to get a fresh perspective? Flipping it is about expanding your perspective and cognitive flexibility. A more expansive persepective likewise expands your possible experience. By expanding your vision, you empower yourself to move beyond where you are now. Conversely, by limiting our perspective we limit our possibility.

After Isaac dumped me the first time, I bought that moleskine journal. I took a disappointing situation and tried to make something productive come from it. The journey that began with the moleskine includes writing a manuscript; winning third place in the memoir/personal essay category of the Writer’s Digest 88th Annual Writing Competition; attending a SLICE literary contest; meeting Nicole Krauss, my favorite contemporary novelist; and ultimately, this blog.

Isaac was the first man who taught me what I wanted in a man, rather than what I didn’t. The second time he dumped me, I wondered where to find another man like him–intellectual, cultured, charismatic witty, cosmopolitan, confident, compelling. I realized that the man was likely not in Lincoln, nor even Nebraska. That’s when I expanded my vision and began dating long distance. I still am, because it’s allowed me to date the rare kind of man who compels me. If you’re unhappy with your dating situation or relationship, how can you Flip It and broaden your vision and possibilities?

Flipping It isn’t a skill limited to dating and relationships. You can Flip and upend a myriad of things:

  • Situations
  • Relationships
  • Ideas
  • Mindsets
  • Dynamics
  • Power Structures
  • Clichés

Clichés embody limited thinking. They’re unoriginal because they’ve been repeated over and over. Repetition doesn’t by default denote truth or wisdom. A frequent cliché on Match is, “I’m a glass half full person.” While a good attitude is a nice quality, it misses a lot of lived experience that deserves to be acknowledged. If a glass is half full, it’s simultaneously half empty. They’re mutual truths. To focus on one part of the glass is to miss the full reality. And is the glass really eternally half full/empty? Sometimes it may overflow and at other times be empty. Have you considered what liquid is in the glass? Or if the glass might be filled with sand? Or, as Isaac once posed, “What glass?”

Have you ever worried about being left out or missing out? I remember that feeling. FOMO, the fear of missing out, is an externally-centered concern about what other people are doing. Flipping it, would be shifting that to an internal focus, a self-awareness of what you enjoy doing, who you want to be, and exploring that. After all, you are the party. You get to determine what kind of party it is and who’s invited. Try to focus on your party, not whether or not you’re invited to someone else’s. You get to plan the party. Are you ready to start planning?

If you’re feeling stuck or dissatisfied, expand your vision, pushing at limits you may have accepted unknowingly. Maybe those limits aren’t there at all, or maybe you can push the boundary a little farther out. Explore flipping your thinking, questioning assumptions, looking for new perspective to find new possibilities, and with that, empowerment.

Flipping it begins by recognizing what your limits of perception are, then questioning and upending those limits. Instead of asking yourself why, ask Why not? Instead of passively accepting that shit happens, assertively turn that into Make shit happen. And then, do your best to make it so!

Final Thoughts

If you’re feeling stuck or dissatisfied with some realm of your life, try expanding your vision. Take a bird’s eye view to try and see things in a new way and find new possibilities. What do you want to liberate yourself from? What terms do you want to live by? How do you want to manifest? What part of your life do you want to live more expansively? Imagine…and good luck out there!

Up Next: Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts–Your Summary

Dating Don’t: Create or Accept Competition

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Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt like you had competition? It’s not a good feeling. By definition, competition creates winners and losers. A healthy relationship is about partnership, not rivalry.

Years ago, I dated Stanley, who had a codependent relationship with his ex. Throughout our relationship, I felt like the beauty queen who only had the title because the real winner abdicated. I constantly felt like the runner-up. Unfortunately, at the time, my self-worth was low enough that I let the situation continue longer than I should’ve, before I, too, abdicated my title.

I deserved better. Fortunately, I eventually realized that and moved on. But, he done me wrong. If you really care about someone, you need to prioritize THAT person, not make them feel in competition with an ex or anyone else. If someone in the relationship is feeling devalued, why would they stay? Ultimately, I didn’t.

Edward was the first man I dated after extricating myself from that relationship. Our first date went well–we had good chemistry, conversation flowed easily, we had fun. A few days later I drove to Chicago to stay with him. Though an accomplished man–pilot, real estate dabbler, business owner–Edward’s also an introvert. As we spent more time together, I got the sense that he felt somewhat emasculated by my strong female energy.

This gave me pause, but the real problem arose when we out with his best friend Sally. I felt marginalized the entire night. Sally was married, but Edward was clearly in love with her. Having just removed myself from a similar situation, I wasn’t going to tolerate that again. When I’m with a man, I expect to be the female he’s focused on, no split-screen scenarios. By the same token, make sure potential matches are focusing on you, and that you’re feeling prioritized in your relationship.

After Edward, came CJ. When we were together, his attention was centered on me, and when he looked at me, he made me feel like I was the only woman alive. On the heels of Stanley and Edward, this was both relief and reward. Ultimately, we didn’t work as a couple because we were very different people, yet I treasure him because of the way he treated me and made me feel.

With David, I was THE woman. He never made me feel like I was in competition with another woman for his affection. He had female friends and colleagues, his best friend was female, but I was THE woman. It was part of what made being us so special, and why I grieved so deeply when our relationship ended. That same sense of us is a feeling that I’ve been seeking ever since.

Of late, when I’ve looked at profiles on Match, if a man feels the need to mention his ex on his profile (i.e., “friendly with ex”), I’ve moved on. Rather than talking about her, they should be telling me about themself and asking about me. At some point, exes will come up, but if someone leads with that, it’s problematic.

We’ve all done some living, and we all have histories. Our history is part of us, but we must manage our past in a way that doesn’t undermine our present and future. There are times that we need to grieve failed relationships and lost loved ones, but if we hold too tightly to the past, we don’t leave enough room to adequately accommodate someone new. Don’t focus on the rearview mirror; watch where you’re going. My former beaus have all failed me in some way. They’re part of my story, but I don’t tightly cling to their memory, instead, my heart is open to the man who doesn’t fail me, the man who does right by me.

In the course of writing this post, I’ve acquired a beau. One of the things that drew me to his profile is that he said, “The next 10 years are going to be the best 10 years of my life and I want to find the right person to share them with.” That’s the kind of vision I want in relationship.

To protect the possibility of what we can be, I need to ensure that I make him feel prioritized, that he feels like THE man, and that my focus is on him, where we are, and where we’re going. As someone who’s fiercely monogamous, this is my natural inclination. However, as a longtime single, I’ve had a few male connections with squishy boundaries–men with whom relationship didn’t make sense, but with whom flirtation was fun. Now that I have a beau, I’ve firmed up those boundaries. They can’t give me the kind of relationship I want; perhaps Peter can. If I have Peter’s attention, I don’t need the attention of other men.

Several months ago, a former connection, SB in KC, reached out to reexplore the possibility of relationship. He texted, called, and friend-requested me on Facebook. Upon looking at his FB feed, there were several flirty pictures of him with attractive women “friends.” He was prominently advertising their attentions. Huge turn-off. He seemed to lack solid boundaries with his women friends, and I had no interest in wading into that.

My friend Kate dated a man who, like Stanley, failed to establish solid boundaries with his ex. Like me, she felt like another woman was routinely intruding on her relationship, a scenario that the men allowed. Like me, Kate ultimately left that relationship. Both relationships lacked a sense of emotional security. Kate and I felt insecure in our commitments because the men didn’t establish appropriate boundaries with their exes, and we weren’t properly prioritized.

Beyond connection and attraction, there needs to be a foundation of trust, respect, and security for a relationship to truly thrive. Creating clear boundaries with others to ensure your romantic partner feels prioritized is essential to building that foundation. Without this, a relationship is on shaky ground.

I have some male friendships that already have solid boundaries. There’s a reason each of these friendships is platonic. As we go forward, it will be Peter’s job not to feel threatened by these friendships. Peter has my attention, and I need to ensure he feels that. He needs to not create a threat where it doesn’t exist. If I didn’t think he was evolved enough to manage that, I wouldn’t be involved with him.

A couple of years ago, I went on a date with a David who was unable to manage that. Our first (and last) date went okay, and the next day we were texting and talking about our plans. When I mentioned I was going to dinner with my friend Ted, a David made clear that he wouldn’t tolerate a woman he was involved with having male friends. Whoa. One date and he was already trying to control me and my circle. He revealed his truth–life with him would be filled with jealousy and an attempt to control and manipulate. That was the end of that.

It’s our job to make our romantic partners feel secure, and we deserve the same in turn. The flip side is that we need to be careful not to bring our insecurities to relationship as a David did to our first-last date. Stanley had his insecurities too. He claimed he wasn’t a jealous man, but not so. When I was on a trip to NYC and didn’t respond to a text promptly, he accused me of having a “boyfriend” in the shower. The reality is that I was walking to brunch with my sister and friend. I’d done nothing wrong and was undeserving of the accusation. I hadn’t created competition; the competition was in his own head.

Jealousy is an ugly feeling. Jealousy isn’t love; it’s insecurity. In relationship, it’s our responsibility to not create cause for jealousy, nor to be jealous without cause. This means no dwelling on the rearview mirror, no lingering gazes at passersby, and no letting our imaginations carry us away. If you’re experiencing feelings of jealousy, truth it out–what real evidence or events is your jealousy based upon?

If it’s unfounded, you need to check it. If you have just cause, then that’s worth exploring, whether you discuss it with your partner or reevaluate the relationship itself. In discerning this, ask yourself–How do you feel? How do you want to feel? Do your answers match or is there some discrepancy?

I’ve been single long enough to recognize quickly whether a man is or isn’t a good potential match for me. I recognized Peter quickly, and one date with a David was more than enough. I wasn’t always so savvy. Sometimes when you connect with someone, it’s clear that you want to walk down the path of relationship. Other times, it takes more discernment, and that’s okay. Do what feels right for you, but in doing so, make sure to treat potential matches with respect and care. Maybe one of them will someday be your special someone, and if they aren’t, you’re still doing them a right, not a wrong.

If you need time to discern a connection or you aren’t ready for exclusivity, you can do that without creating a sense of competition by compartmentalizing rather than advertising your other connections. Be honest about what you are/aren’t ready for, and treat potential connections respectfully. Likewise, respect your potential matches’ need for discernment without feeling threatened. It’s a normal, though uncomfortable, part of dating. If you’re seriously uncomfortable, consider whether moving on would help you better manage your well-being.

Different people have different purposes for dating–long term commitment; a serious relationship; companionship; meeting new people; figuring out who/what they want; and yes, hookups. Whatever you’re looking for, finding connection can be challenging. Dating is emotionally vulnerable. Be mindful of this and sensitive to others, even if they aren’t who you’re looking for. Likewise, pay attention to whether potential matches are being sensitive to you.

If you’re fortunate enough to find that special connection (I hope you are!) and you have emotional security in your relationship, that’s the mother lode. Once you’ve found it, be careful not to squander it by taking it for granted or abusing it. A married aquaintance of mine was upset a couple of years ago when her husband bought her a Christmas gift that she didn’t like. He’d put a lot of thought into it, but she was unappreciative of the thought and effort, instead focusing on her dislike for the gift and making her disappointment clear.

He was prioritizing her and trying to please her, but when the gift didn’t land right, his recompense was a disgruntled wife. He tried to do something special for her; she made it ALL about her. That’s not a positive relationship move. In a healthy relationship, both partners feel emotionally secure and prioritized. A loving partnership isn’t lopsided with one partner prioritized over the other.

Final Thoughts

Whatever your dating or relationship status, be mindful of how you are treating your partner or potential matches and of how you’re treated in kind. Neither create nor tolerate a legitimate cause for jealousy. Prioritize your partner and the person you’re with to create a foundation of emotional security so that your relationship can optimally thrive for whatever possibility it holds.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Flip It

Honoring Connection and the Quotidian

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My friend Bob is a comic book artist. As such, he spends much of his time and derives a significant amount of his income from attending cons. During the pandemic, this facet of his livelihood shut down. Now that cons have reopened, at times he’s booked so heavily that he returns home weary. Home from one such round of bookings, he came by to catch up.

On my end, I disclosed my disappointment over the failure of my most recent romantic connection. Bob surmised that while my idiosyncracies are part of my allure that they also make it challenging for me to find a suitable partner. He isn’t wrong. The men I find suitable potential partners are few and far between.

In turn, Bob told me happenings from his most recent cons, but mostly, he emphasized how grateful he was for the calm quotidian of life at home with his wife after the flurry of cons and activity. Quotidian. The word smacked me. Since then, I’ve been carrying the word quotidian around, pondering its implications in my life and relationships.

I love the word quotidian. It’s such a Hegelian word, encompassing both ordinary in meaning, yet the word itself is anything but ordinary. People don’t frequently say quotidian. More often, you’ll hear the words ‘usual’, ‘common’, ‘ordinary’, ‘regular’, ‘normal’, and ‘everyday’. Despite its meaning, quotidian is an uncommon word beginning with an uncommon letter. It’s the kind of word that NPR listeners and logophiles latch onto (I’m both).

While quotidian uninterrupted could wax weary, it’s an unavoidable and core part of life and relationship. As such, it serves us well to honor the role of the quotidian in our life and relationship(s). Ideally, healthy relationship is a good balance of adventure, fun, and the quotidian. This is certainly what I seek in relationship, and I think it’s something that Bob has largely achieved. Bob may enjoy the Quotidian of life at home with his wife, but they also just returned from a trip to Egypt, quite the adventure and disruption to the quotidian!

And what about Fun? Recently, I heard Catherine Price, author of The Power of Fun, define ‘Fun’ as a synthesis of three states—Playfulness; Connection; and Flow (being fully present to the moment without distraction). Fun is dynamic; Fun is interactive. This resonates as true with me.

I’ve certainly had my share of adventures and Fun in dating and relationship, and that’s an important element of connection, but the Quotidian is a sacred space. There are few connections that I’m willing to welcome into the quotidian spaces of my life, nor whose quotidian spaces I want to share and explore.

Marinating on the Quotidian after my conversation with Bob, I realized how much I crave not only a partner in adventure and Fun, but Someone to share the sacredness of the Quotidian with; Someone who enhances the everyday; a Someone who simultaneously feels like home and like an adventure waiting to happen.

I’ve been with such men, men who are both exciting and comfortable, men who can bring Fun to both an adventure and the everyday. The serenity of cocktails at twilight on Damon’s deck was as special as our weekend in Memphis; I value both. Likewise, the pleasure of going to the farmer’s market with David or cooking a meal with Stanley. Those moments are as precious and memorable to me as our more adventurous activities.

Connection is a key element of Fun, and the right person enhances the preciousness of the Quotidian. The Quotidian doesn’t have to be devoid of Fun just because it’s the everyday. With the right person and presence to the moment, the everyday can be playful and Fun, even if at a quieter level. Have you seen the videos that Gideon Patinkin has made of his parents Mandy Patinkin and Kathryn Grody at home? They model Price’s definition of Fun–Playfulness, Connection, Flow. (If you haven’t seen any, there’s a link below to a video of Gideon giving his parents a pop culture quiz.)

Having been single for a long time, I’ve lacked a partner to share many of my moments. I find that when I think of the moments I wish to share with a partner, my thoughts often dwell in the Quotidian– waking up next to a beloved, going for walks with a beloved, grocery shopping with a beloved. There is beauty in simple things, and right connection enhances the beauty.

Yet there are few men who I feel strong connection with and desire to bring into the sacredness of the Quotidian. The Quotidian is an intimate space–the wrong person makes it feel claustrophobic; the right person gives it oxygen. Because of that, when I find a man worthy of my quotidian spaces, I recognize and value the gift of him in my life and the preciousness of that connection. And that is the trick–to not only find that special connection, but to appreciate the preciousness of that connection and not take it for granted, even in the context of the Quotidian. It’s all too easy to take the Quotidian for granted, by the very nature of its definition.

My friend Evan once said of dating that, “The chance of any one person being the One is infinitesimally small.” While I think this perspective caters to the negative as if connection must be proved and earned rather than revealed and discerned for what possibility it may hold, the flipside of Evan’s observation goes to the preciousness of finding special connection. I’ve seen so many couples take their connection for granted, take each other for granted. I’ve been taken for granted. By taking connection for granted, you devalue it and risk losing it. It’s all too easy to do; we must be mindful to avoid doing so.

One of the advantages of dating long distance is that with the inevitable apartness of distance, the togetherness becomes more precious and less easily taken for granted. And while there are long stretches of apartness, it also provides a density of togetherness–you may go several weeks apart, but then spend several days in each other’s company. This density of time is a good audition to see how well you fit in each other’s quotidian spaces. But even if you’re dating locally, if you can’t appreciate someone in your quotidian spaces, are they really the right someone? Or are they just anyone?

Being single so long, waking up so many mornings alone, walking so many walks by myself, I recognize the preciousness of each special connection I make, and, as told to Bob, grieve when it doesn’t come to fruition or live up to its promise. But, better to be alone than to welcome just anyone into the sacred space of the Quotidian. That would be reducing the Quotidian to the banal, which it needn’t be.

Lou Reed famously said, “My week beats your year.” Those words serve as a reminder to me to maximize each moment for its potential. For several years, I’ve conscientiously strived to live presently, in the Now. It’s not a simple task, but over time, I’ve become better at it.

The recent and unexpected passing of my ex has brought home to me, in a very palpable way, how quickly everything, including the Quotidian, including ourselves, can disappear. His death has brought a new urgency to appreciating each moment of the Now. Just as all the people who aren’t the One make the One that much more precious, so the fact of our death makes the finite moments we do have more valuable. Now is what we have. Honor the Quotidian in your life–the yardwork, the meal preparation, watching a movie on the couch. Someday, it will all disappear. Treasure it while you have it.

The Quotidian makes up a large amount of our finite lives. If we aren’t present to those moments, they’re wasted. Be mindful of who you invite into your Quotidian spaces, ensure that they’re worthy of that gift, and if they are, honor the preciousness of them and the connection. There’s beauty in sharing the Quotidian with the right person. It’s our job to find the gratitude in that, and not take it, nor them, for granted.

May you find someone worthy of sharing your Quotidian spaces, if you haven’t already. Good luck out there!

A Gideon Patinkin video of his parents failing a pop culture quiz while eating matzah.

Up Next: Relationship Values–Show Up

When a (Wo)Man Tells you their Truth, Believe them

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“Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.”  Coco Chanel 

I’ve always been something of a misfit, or to use a more flattering term, unicorn. There’s truth in both terms, because to be so is to feel special and unique as a unicorn, but lonely as a misfit. Dating is hard enough, but this creates additional difficulty, because to be properly matched requires finding another unicorn, someone who speaks my language, who can both hear me and see me. Not everyone can. That’s a large part of why I date long-distance, to find a man who can.

While I have a definite type, more importantly, I’ve been single long enough to become a master of recognizing a special connection and chemistry quickly–it doesn’t happen often. In the past couple of years, I’ve come across such a man on Match about every six months. And like clockwork, I found one recently–right on time.

Our first phone call lasted five-and-a-half-hours. Later that night, we talked for another hour. Easily more time than I’ve spent on the phone with another person in a day. Evan is smart, talented, gracious, and funny. That first conversation he said, “We’re kindred spirits.” Indeed, we are. But, he has a truth that sets a limit on what we can be.

A relationship is whatever two whole individuals determine that their shared space can be. That shared space can be as expansive or as limited as those individuals allow.

Evan was upfront from the beginning that he “doesn’t see a long-distance relationship in the stars” for himself. I’ve been dating long distance for a decade now. I was disappointed but not surprised. For some men, long-distance is a non-issue. Others need to sit with the idea to discern their thoughts and feelings. And for some men, such as Evan, it’s a solid no-go.

The rub is that Evan is British, and before moving to the States to be with his ex, they had a long-distance international relationship across an ocean, yet a long-distance domestic relationship is something he’s taken off the table with me. Not the first time my love life has felt incongruous. It’s frustrating. But it’s been my reality, and while I can try to shift my reality, I can’t try to shift his truth.

I have to believe him. And I do. Some people will try and deceive you and win you over while pursuing their own agenda on the sly. Some people are simply vague. Some people are unsure of their truth(s). But if someone is good enough to tell you a truth about themselves that is disappointing, they are showing you the respect of being honest. Believe them. Evan’s truth isn’t about me; it’s about him and where he is at this point in his life. That he likes me is clear. But that’s not enough to override his truth.

I learned this lesson long before I got to Evan. Men have been telling me their truths since the first man I dated after my divorce, over a decade ago. Back then, I wasn’t as savvy. But I’m a good student, and experience has schooled me well.

A few of the truths I’ve been privy to:

  • I’m not ready for a relationship–Scott, 2012. True that. He was separated, not divorced; a recovering alcoholic; his stepson had died the year prior; his wife had cheated on him; he was in risk of foreclosure/bankruptcy; and he lost his job while we were dating. What the hell was I thinking? Scott is a good human being, but I caught him in a bad place. Frankly, I wasn’t in such a great place myself. He was the first guy I dated after my divorce. I was lonely and I’d been celibate for two years. Silly me, I tried to be the patient and supportive girIfriend. That didn’t work. What can I say? I was naïve, lonely, and horny.
  • “I’m not good with budgeting.”–Jack Ashe, 2013. Mmm-hmmm. Yet, supposedly he was a successful businessman and he always had money to spend. After a few weeks, some things weren’t adding up, so I did some sleuthing. Digging around, I discovered that he was a scam artist on probation. He’d even lied to me about his name. So I’ve given him a more apropos name.
  • “I am probably a poor match…”–-Isaac, 2013. Dear Isaac; he’s a special one. We’ve weaved in and out of each other’s lives for over a decade, imprinting upon one another. My experience of him was the catalyst to start writing–the first time he dumped me, I bought a moleskine journal and began recording my reflections. A decade later, I have a manuscript (in perpetual revision); essays out for submission; and a dating blog. I’ve imprinted upon him as well. The morning after our one night of in-the-flesh-fornication, equestrian Isaac, perhaps a little distracted, was unseated when his horse started, resulting in a major concussion which still haunts him. With time, we’ve grown closer. Recently, he observed, “We have connection.” (2023) Indeed, we do. And yet, we’ve never been in an exclusive relationship. We’ve never fully matched. And he remains the ever-never-married bachelor. His truth stands.

I’ve learned to appreciate honesty, even when it’s not the truth I’m hoping for. I’m an English major. As such, it only makes sense that one of my love languages is Words of Affirmation. Yet I’ve been with men whose words were pretty but didn’t carry any weight.

  • You’re the love of my life.–Stanley, 2022. I’d broken it off with Stanley a few years prior to him saying this. We were compatible and had fun together. The words are lovely. I’d love to hear them from a lover who makes me feel that way. Stanley may have meant those words, or they may have felt true to him, but that’s not how he made me feel when we were together, and he had plenty of time to make me feel his truth. Instead, during our relationship, I felt taken for granted. He prioritized his ex, his sister, his friend over me. He didn’t stand up for me. It shouldn’t have been a competition, yet I consistently came in second place. His words didn’t match his actions. And that’s why I eventually left.
  • I want you here with me in Santa Fe.–David, 2021. David had a lot of words, all of them pretty–he’s a writer, a master of words, and for a while I was his muse. On our first date he gave me a key to his house and vowed to buy me a ring. Our connection and chemistry is strong. But he panicked. I’m not sure what he’s afraid of–The power of his feelings? Commitment? Making space in his life for someone after being single for so long? Ultimately, the answer is moot. What matters is that after all his pretty words, he panicked and threw up an impenetrable wall of silence. He’s taken the wall down a few times, but, ultimately, he rebuilds it. A few months ago when David came back yet again, I wanted to believe that it was for good, but I was rightfully wary. “No more wall of silence?” I asked. He guaranteed, “No more wall of silence.” Not surprisingly, the wall’s been rebuilt, and once again I’m left with The Sound of Silence.

Hollow words have no weight, no meaning. As an English major, I needs words to mean something. I’ve learned to appreciate it when a man’s words do mean something, even if they aren’t the words I want to hear. At least they’re honoring me with truth.

Stanley’s words were always hollow–promises unkept and words that didn’t match actions. I think David’s words were sincere, but he lacked follow-through. He wanted to be more than he was able to manifest. We talked of being shameless, yet I can’t help but wonder if perhaps his silence is his shame?

My friend Bob told me not to give up on Evan. Bob’s a dear beloved friend, but while well-intended, his messaging is misguided. Bob said that because he cares for me and sees my value. He’s seen me hurt and doesn’t understand why my relationships haven’t worked out to date. Frankly, I don’t completely understand myself, but so it is. And so I face my reality and Evan’s truth, and I don’t hold out hope for Evan to change his truth.

Unless he tells me different, I must honor Evan’s truth. It’s his truth to shift or not shift. Truths can change with time and experience, but I can’t count on that and I can’t hope for that. Hope is both a necessary and a dangerous thing. It’s necessary to avoid its nemesis, Despair, but false hope and hope unrealized, ends in disappointment. Better to live with reality and be cautious about where you invest your hope, for by deluding yourself with an untruth or a hoped-for-truth, ultimately the person you’re hurting is yourself.

Evan’s set a limit on what we can be, so in turn, I need to set emotional limits to protect myself. But within the boundaries of what we can be, I’ll enjoy Evan for whatever our connection is, not sulk about what it isn’t. For Evan is warm, and talking with him leaves me feeling like the sun has shone on me. I want to enjoy that warmth without setting myself up for the pain of disappointment.

But meanwhile, I’ll keep looking for that elusive man and connection who doesn’t set limits on what we can be. For ultimately, I want a man who sees my worth and opens his expanses to me. Every six months or so, I seem to find a good connection. I only need one of those connections to work out. I can hope for that, but I’ve also learned not to count on that. All I can do is keep trying. That’s all any of us can do. And best of luck to you in your attempts!

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