Not too long ago, “Professor” sent me a Like on Match. When I didn’t reciprocate, he sent me a message insinuating that my lack of interest was because of color (He’s black.). Basically, he tried to shame me, a problematic move in many ways. Let’s explore why.

It’s Not a Good Look

Getting defensive is generally indicative of unresolved personal insecurities and resentments. It’s an unevolved and immature way to interact with the world. Rather than simply accepting that I wasn’t interested, Professor lashed out at my lack of interest with a personal attack. He felt bad, so he wanted to make me feel bad. He couldn’t accept my disinterest, so he maligned me as an individual.

Behaving defensively is an attempt to manipulate and get power over others. He internalized my disinterest enough to interpret it as a power imbalance where I had the upper hand. He felt defensive, so he tried to switch it up and put me on the defense.

I can understand why he’d have some resentment based on his life experience as a black man. As a woman, I certainly have some resentment about the negative ways my female identity has impacted my life experience. But it doesn’t serve me to walk through my life on the defense because I’m a woman. That doesn’t maximize my experience. That wouldn’t be me being the best version of myself. So, I strive to be better. I strive to be both strong and grace-filled. I strive to rise above my resentment.

Professor is hardly the only man I’ve come across who’s behaved in a defensive manner, and it’s never a good look. It comes off as undignified, petulant, and childish. In a dating platform context, it’s unattractive and a turn-off.

I’ve seen such defensiveness not just in interactions, but in profile summaries as well. In these summaries, the men (As a heterosexual woman, these are the profiles I see.) churn up their resentments from previous experiences and relationships. This is the face they show to potential matches. Again, not a good look. A potential match reading such a profile is probably not going to be enticed by the negative energy. It’s a turn-off, not a turn-on.

Here’s an example my friend Evan sent me from a woman’s profile:

I constantly hear about how men expect the women to look like their photos and end up being disappointed upon meeting  !!! I can assure y’all I look like mine! The question is …DO YOU LOOK LIKE YOURS?

Her profile summary continues to go on in that vein. It’s not a productive way for her to draw the kind of matches to her that she wants, if it draws anyone’s interest at all. Perhaps you’ve seen such profile summaries yourself? What was your reaction?

A profile summary is your lead. It’s your opportunity to show your best self to attract potential matches. By leading with negativity, resentment, and defensiveness, such profiles alienate potential matches rather than entice. Be better, and look better.

It’s Not a Good Strategy

I’m not sure what Professor thought that his defensive move would accomplish beyond giving him a short-term feel-better by trying to make someone else (me) feel worse. Did he think I’d engage with him? Suddenly be interested? Be apologetic? Try to defend myself against his insinuation? None of those things happened. I simply didn’t respond, because I still wasn’t interested.

Oh, but I did write a blog post about it.

Whether in your dating profile, your interactions, or your relationship, being defensive isn’t a good strategy. It’s not going to attract people to you, and it’s not going to help resolve issues. Rather, it’s going to push people away. Don’t malign the people you want to interact with, even if they don’t choose to interact with you.

My sister told me the story of a man who was resentful when he didn’t get the promotion he wanted from my brother-in-law. Similar to Professor, his response was to accuse my brother-in-law of being racist (The man is Indian.). In truth, he didn’t get the promotion because…(drum roll)…he had difficulty in his social interactions with others. Being defensive can be problematic professionally as well. It’s simply a poor strategy all-around.

Putting people on the defense is a manipulative social move, and it’s not from a well-adjusted place. When I’ve had people in my life who interact in this manner, I tend to remove myself from them as much as possible. I don’t enjoy being around such people.

Ultimately, being defensive in any social context isn’t productive and isn’t going to help you arrive at your desired outcome. It’s neither an effective nor well-adjusted way of dealing with the world. If you manifest better, you’ll attract better. Further, by conducting yourself in a more dignified manner, you’re showing yourself respect. Self-respect is a good step toward overcoming any insecurities and dealing with any resentments.

You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

My reasons for not being into Professor really don’t matter. I simply wasn’t interested. I’m not interested in a lot of men, including a lot of white men. The man I am interested in is the exception, not the rule. I get to choose who I’m interested in and who I’m not.

My criteria for who I’m interested in and attracted to are none of Professor’s business, unless, of course, he cares to read my blog where I choose to share fairly openly.

The point is, he doesn’t know me. All he needed to know was whether I was interested or not. I wasn’t. He didn’t need to know any more than that. He felt rejected, and, to cope with rejection, he found it easier to assume the worst about me to make himself feel better.

Not Everyone is Going to Be into You

Dating can be a tough gig. Rejection is part of the terms we accept when we engage in putting ourselves out there romantically. We make ourselves emotionally vulnerable, but we do so willingly, and getting hurt is part of the risk when we engage in the activity.

You can’t go white river rafting without expecting to get a little wet, and you can’t date without expecting some rejection along the way. It’s not easy, but it’s part of the gig.

When someone isn’t into you, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you per se, it just means that they don’t see you as a good fit for some reason. Don’t perseverate on the why or waste overmuch time on the people who aren’t interested in you. Rather, put your best self out there and look for someone who IS into you.

You Deserve Someone Who is into You

If you’re doing your best to manifest your best self, you deserve someone who recognizes that, sees you for who you are, and appreciates you as you are. Try not to invest too much time and worry on the people who don’t fully appreciate you or see you as a good fit for them.

It’s Not a Good Relationship Move

Being defensive in the context of a relationship isn’t a good move either. Just as it pushes people away professionally and in a dating context, it emotionally pushes away your romantic partner.

I’ve been in relationships where instead of engaging with our relationship issues in a productive, healthy, and respectful manner, my romantic partner would get defensive and attack me personally. That doesn’t help the relationship. Rather, it fosters resentment and pushes your partner away. In my case, it pushed me so far away that I ultimately ended those relationships.

Do: Be Your Best You

Don’t let your resentments guide your interactions. Those resentments may have a legitimate foundation, but they aren’t going to serve you well socially, professionally, or romantically. Have a self-awareness of any resentment, and manage that resentment in a productive way. Don’t lead with resentment and defensiveness.

Think of any resentment you carry as a bag you can check on an airline. It’s yours to deal with and unpack as you’re able, but try to check it as you interact with others. Pick up the bag and unpack it at a later date, rather than throwing its contents at other people. Maybe someday you’ll be ready to leave the bag behind altogether.

Check any negative tendencies that get in the way of manifesting your best self. By putting your best self out there, you attract better in kind.

Final Thoughts

Dating can be tough, and rejection is part of the gig. Disappointment, hurt, and resentment are all normal parts of the experience, but try to avoid leaning into those negative feelings. Don’t let the negative get the best of you, instead, be better, and try to rise above the negative.

Keep your eye on the why–the person who appreciates you for who you are. They’re why we’re putting ourselves through all of this. Do your best to rise above the negative, and manifest your best self so that you’re ready for your One.

Good luck out there!

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