dating coach

Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: More Photo Tips

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Your profile pictures are the first thing a potential match is going to use in the screening process, so it’s important to represent yourself accurately and well. You want to put your best you out there, and you don’t want potential matches disappointed when they meet you.

In my last post, I gave some basic photo guidelines. Here are some more considerations:

Don’t: Have a lot of pictures sans you

Every once in a while, I’ll see a man’s profile that has several pictures he’s not even in. Usually the pictures have a focus–landscapes of places travelled; his pet(s); food; or quotes/mantras. Obviously, this is a reflection of the person’s interest, but when I’m looking through photographs, my purpose is to get a sense of what he looks like; if I’m physically attracted to him; and the context of his life (Can I imagine myself in his photos? Visualize myself in the context of his life?).

While I appreciate getting a sense of someone’s interests to determine if we have common ground (Scuba pictures? I’m probably not a good fit for them. Italy? I’ll grab my passport!), what I want to see is him in the pictures. So, have a pet you want to share? Post a picture of yourself with your pet. Are you a foodie? Post a picture of yourself dining out, or cooking, or both. Love to travel? Post a picture of where you’ve been with yourself in the photo.

As for mantras and quotes, your dating profile is probably not the best platform for sharing these; it strikes me as very Facebookey. If, however, your really thrive on getting inspiration in your life from quotes and/or mantras, choose one that you find especially inspiring.

Photo: This photo is in New York City! It serves to show that I like to travel, but as a full-body photograph it also gives potential matches an idea of my body type.

Do: Use a professional work headshot

If you have a professional work headshot, you’ve already been captured looking your best and putting your best self out there. Maximize on that! I’ve seen several men use a professional work headshot to good effect on their dating profile. If you have some good ones and they’re fairly current, choose your best one and upload it! A good head shot could also make an effective primary profile picture.

Don’t: Cover up other people’s faces

If you feel the need to cover up the faces of people in a photo that you upload, then you might ask yourself why you chose to upload that picture at all. When you cover up faces, it looks goofy and it’s distracting. That’s not the messaging you want to be sending to potential matches. Choose a different photo for better impact. Along with this, keep in mind…

Do: Keep the focus on you

You are the product that you’re marketing. Keep the focus on you. Don’t have a lot of pictures with other people in them. You don’t want potential matches to have to try and discern who you are in a group. You also don’t want them thinking that your friend is better looking than you are–you have plenty of competition already, don’t create more for yourself. And don’t, don’t, don’t post a picture of yourself with someone that potential matches might wonder if they’re your ex or if you have a FWB relationship. You don’t want any potential matches to be scared off that you might be emotionally unavailable or a player. If you do have posts with other people in them, make your relationship clear (ie., my sister).

If you look through the pictures on this post and my last, you’ll notice that I don’t have any pictures with other people in them. I want potential matches to focus on me, and if they’re a match, I’ll let them into my life and they’ll learn my people then.

Don’t: Have a sideways or out-of-frame picture

Take the trouble to make sure that your photos are correctly oriented. Sideways pictures present as lazy and inept, and no one’s going to take the trouble to bend themselves sideways to look at it. Don’t let the technology outsmart you. Orient your photos correctly before you upload. Ask for help if you need it. If you’re serious about finding a match, then you need to take your dating profile seriously.

Occasionally, I’ll see a primary profile picture where the man is out totally out-of-frame and you have to click on it to find him in the full picture. Your primary profile picture is your most important picture because it’s your lead. If it isn’t done well or correctly, many potential matches won’t bother to click any further. Make sure your picture is centered so that potential matches can see you. On Match, go to the “View” on your profile to see what your profile picture looks like. If it isn’t centered, go to “Edit” and try to re-center or better yet, choose another primary photo altogether.

Do: Stand tall in your photos

Confidence is an attractive quality. When I see a man slouching or who seems physically awkward in his photos, I’m turned off. Awkwardness and insecurity aren’t sexy. Your carriage can be a turn-on or a turn-off. Don’t let it be the latter.

My friend Evan was complaining the other day that one of the limitations of profile pictures versus seeing someone in person, is that you don’t get a sense of how they move, and that the way a woman moves can be a huge turn on for him. Or not. I told him to pay attention to the women’s carriage in their photos. How a person holds their body can give you a sense of how that person carries themself in space, even if they aren’t in motion. You want to project confidence in your pictures; your carriage can work for you or against you. Aim for the former.

Own the physical space that your body takes up, don’t be intimidated by it. I think more tall people struggle with this than short people, as if they’re apologetic for the vertical space they are taking up. Own every inch of yourself! Look through your pictures, are you slouching? Do you look awkward?

If so, make a point to address this. Take new pictures with your posture and carriage in mind. Grow an awareness of your physical body; how you carry yourself; and how you hold your body as you move through space. Notice and study how other people are holding their bodies and moving through space. And if self-confidence is an issue for you, remember the adage, “Fake it, until you make it.” “Fake it” is the practice; “making it” is the habit. Practice standing tall and walking with confidence. The world is your runway; walk it well!

Photos: Notice that in all my profile photos, both full body shots and headshots, I have a relaxed, not stiff carriage. I’m standing tall, owning the space I’m in, without it being forced. I’m 5’9″ and proudly claim all of my vertical space (In my 5-inch heels I claim even more!). My pictures are saying, “Here I am!” And for the right man I’ll add…”waiting for you,” with a wink.

Stay tuned! Up next: How to Take Good Profile Pictures

My last two posts have gone over some dos and don’ts of effective profile pictures. My next post will be the last in this series. In it, I’ll give you tips on how to take good profile pictures. The more effectively you market yourself, the more potential matches you are going to attract. And that will help you find the match you’re looking for. Good luck out there!

Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Some Photo Basics

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Dating is tough. The dating scene today is completely different than it was before I married. Back then, you met people through experience or connections. Today, the best bet is a dating app. My app of choice is Match and I’ve met some incredible men this way, though to-date (double-entendre, wink), none of these connections has manifested as the long-term partnership I desire. But the kind of man I’m looking for is out there, it’s just a matter of finding them, and hoping that one of them will be willing to do the work and enjoy the fun of a relationship with me.

To find the kind of match you’re seeking, it’s important to have a dating profile that represents and markets you well–honestly, favorably, and effectively. You are the product. You want your profile to stand out and to draw attention…in a good way, of course. And I’m here to help with that.

The first thing you notice about a profile is the photos. You want your photos to work like an effective book cover–to draw your audience in and make them curious in reading about you. When I’m looking through profiles I can click through them quickly based solely on the photos. If I don’t feel any potential sexual attraction to the primary profile picture, why would I linger? I click through quickly until I find a primary photo that gives me pause–one where I find them immensely attractive, or attractive enough that I want more information. So, how to market yourself to potential matches and get them to pause on your profile? Here are some basic do’s and don’ts:

Do: Have photos

I wish this could go without saying. Hopefully, if you’re savvy enough to be reading my blog (wink), then you understand this, but there are still profiles out there without pictures. On a dating website, an environment where physical attraction plays a significant role (I won’t read the profile bio if I don’t find the photos attractive.), I can only reason that this is fear-based (i.e., lack of self-confidence, anxiety) or the individual has something to hide and therefore remains hidden.

If you do have some anxiety about dating, that’s normal. Dating is hard, and has plenty of ups and downs. But if you’re interested in finding a match, you need to face down that fear. Fear will control as much of your life and happiness as you allow it. If you want the potential happiness of a match, you need to risk the potential pain of rejection. We’re all putting ourselves out there. You can do this and I’m here to help!

Do: Smile and be natural

Generally speaking, you want to be smiling in your photographs. It’s warm and inviting, and that’s what you want to be when potential matches are looking at you.

If a man isn’t smiling in his primary profile photograph, I usually won’t look any further. He’s selling a grim tale; I’m looking for a rom-com. The one exception to this is the occasional pensive photograph–I’m a sucker for intellectuals.

Do: Have your primary profile picture be a clear head shot

Your primary profile photograph is your most important picture, because it’s your lead. It should be a clear head shot so that potential matches can get a good idea of what you look like. This is not the place for a full body shot or to show yourself suited up for skiing or biking with your helmet on. Those pictures are great to have in your profile, but not as your primary photo. It’s annoying going through profiles and getting to a primary photo where I can’t tell what the guy really looks like. Consider this, if you looked at a book cover and couldn’t read the title, would you be interested in reading the book?

Above: My current primary profile picture.

Do: Have current photos

For the most part, the photos on my dating profile were all taken in the last year and a half. They accurately represent what I look like now. I’ve become skilled at discerning when a man is showing out-of-date photos or lying about his age, and it’s a real turn-off. Be better.

My oldest photo is from three years ago. I wouldn’t keep a profile picture much older than that without a good reason. A few years ago, I dated a retired astronaut/test pilot. In his profile he had an old picture of himself with one of his experimental aircraft and another of him in his astronaut flight suit. That was both a major accomplishment and an important part of his identity. Admittedly, it was also pretty hot. So, are you a former Olympian? Have you rung the opening bell of the NYSE? Share that special picture. But unless it’s really special, a profile isn’t where I want to see pictures that are several years old. Save it for when you’re getting to know someone. By then, you’ve already got their attention.

Photo: Another clear head shot, taken a just few weeks ago, giving a potential match a consistent idea of what I look like, across place and time. It also shows me dressed up, and that I’m fond of cocktails and sushi.

My oldest profile photo is a full-length picture of myself in a sequined minidress and heels. I keep that picture in for now because it gives viewers a good sense of my body type and shows off my legs, and it’s important to have some full length photos so that potential matches can get a sense of your body type. Market yourself honestly, but well. Make sure that the you in the photos is the you that will show up on a date. Surprises and false advertising will catch up with you later. You want your connections to be pleased, not disappointed.

Photo: The sequined dress! A full body shot that shows off my legs and that I like to dress up. As this photo is a few years old, I’ll probably remove it in the near future, but not until I have another photograph that serves the same purpose. Look closely–there’s still a tag on the dress! No one ever notices the tag…

Do: Have a minimum of 5-8 photographs

You want potential connections to have enough information about how you look across place and time so that they can get a solid sense of what you look like and whether they find you physically attractive. I usually have at least eight photographs; currently, I have fourteen. I share some, but not all of them here.

Don’t: Do a photo session

If you’re feeling like you don’t have enough current photographs, don’t panic, and don’t fall into the temptation to have a photo session to generate several photos at once. This comes off as artificial and contrived, or as a friend of mine once put it, “Like a JCPenney catalogue.”

You want your potential matches to see you in your natural element across place and time. So, if you feel you’re lacking flattering current photographs, make a point of addressing this. When you’re out in your life doing the things you enjoy, take some selfies or have a friend take some full body shots of you. I always take multiples, then select the best one. As you get some good photos, upload them to your profile. It doesn’t need to happen all at once if you don’t have enough photos right now.

Do: Have a good mix of close-ups and full-body shots

You want to give potential matches a good sense of what you look like, no surprises. This should include both clear pictures of your face as well as full-body shots to represent your body type. Different people are attracted to different types; you deserve someone who finds you attractive for who you are. Represent yourself honestly. No filters, no blurry pictures.

I’m an attractive woman, but I’m not to every man’s taste. I’m white, slender, tall, brunette, leggy, and nearsighted (I wear glasses). For men who are drawn to those attributes, I’m a fine specimen of a woman at 52. But there are many things I’m not, including buxom. I have my curves, but a man whose preference is for an hourglass figure probably isn’t going to be drawn to me physically. And, that’s okay. I want someone who appreciates me for the gorgeous me I am. You deserve the same, so put your best you out there!

Photo: Another full body shot to show consistency of my body type across time and place. This one shows me undertaking a home project. Handy isn’t a comfortable part of my range but as a single homeowner it is within my range. Sort of. This photo also shows me very casually dressed. I can go from short-shorts and a tank to a sequined dress (though I’d probably shower in-between)!

Do: Have a good mix of you in different settings

I get excited when I find a profile of an attractive man with a photograph of him hiking (I love to hike!) and another of him in a tuxedo (Yummy!). Two totally different settings, but they’re both me. I enjoy dressing to the nines in a cocktail dress and five inch heels; but I also love hiking in my tank, shorts, and Tevas. I have range. If you do too, represent that range in your photographs. Show yourself doing a range of activities you enjoy (i.e., travel, hiking, sports, kayaking, a museum, fine dining, etc.); and show yourself in both a casual setting (i.e., hiking) and a more formal setting (i.e., my sequined dress). Demonstrate your approachability and down-to-earthness (That’s if you are down-to-earth.), but also that you can kick it up a notch to go out (i.e., you don’t wear pajamas all the time….If you are wearing pajamas when you leave the house, please see my Contact Me page–we need to talk.).

Above: A close-up photo of me hiking this summer near Telluride.

To the side: A full body shot at the Hirshhorn Art Museum last summer. Admittedly, it’s my least clear profile photo as I’m being playful with the mirrors. It’s one of Yayoi Kusama’s infinity rooms, and my visual joke. This one is titled “Phalli’s Field.” Laura surrounded by a bunch of phalli–seemed apropos for my Match profile.

These two pictures illustrate my range–close-up of me hiking in casual clothes; full body shot in a sundress at an art museum.

Don’t: Do “obligatory” photographs

If you feel tempted to upload a photograph because it’s obligatory, don’t. This includes: fish photos; bathroom selfies (No bathroom selfies, please, don’t do it! You really can do better.); motorcycle photos; car selfies (You can do better!); gym selfies, and shirtless photos (I’m talking to the men here…I’m assuming the ladies are refraining or censored.).

Now, this isn’t to say you shouldn’t include any of the examples above, but don’t do them because you think they’re obligatory; they’re not. Be intentional. Stand out; don’t blend in. If you have a motorcycle, gym, or fishing photo, it should be because you enjoy those activities. And if that’s the case, then great, post one, but choose one good one, because you still want to show the range of who you are. If you have a shirtless photo (Again, I’m speaking to the men here.) it shouldn’t be for the sake of having a shirtless photo, but because, for instance, you enjoy the beach and you have a good picture of yourself shirtless on the beach (and you look good shirtless). But again, you only need one. Don’t kill it. Show your range.

You’re doing great!

If you’ve got the basics mastered and didn’t learn anything new, then congratulations and well done!

If you had most of this covered already but picked up a new thing or two, you’re doing great and I’m glad you got a takeaway!

If several basics are new considerations, don’t worry! Address them gradually as you’re able and hopefully you’ll see a good payoff as a result.

If you’re new to all of this and it seems overwhelming, it’s okay. You can do this, and I’m here to help!

If you’re happily partnered and are reading this anyway, then I’m pleased that you find my writing so enchanting (wink)! And please…send those of us in the dating trenches some positive energy!

If you’re unhappily partnered and reading this, I’m going to leave that alone.

Stay tuned! More profile and photo dos & don’ts to come…

On Grief and “Queen Charlotte”

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Shonda Rhimes is a consummate storyteller whose stories have pushed at social inequities, giving pop-culture representation to the underrepresented within her compelling worlds. The world I’m most taken with is Queen Charlotte, the prequel spinoff of Bridgerton. Bridgerton is set in the Regency Era, envisioning a world where there’s a black queen, a resulting rise in the social status of blacks, and an apparent resolution of racial tensions. It seems to be a color-blind society. Bridgerton has at its focus the (white) Bridgerton family and their relationships and romantic entanglements. Lady Bridgerton, a widow, is shepherding her eight children into adulthood, society, and ultimately betrothal. The storylines center around the young generation. But not Queen Charlotte.

Queen Charlotte toggles between the time frame set for us in Bridgerton when Queen Charlotte is 52 (My age!) and when she was a young woman whose own betrothal was being arranged (her origin story). This show pivots to focus more on the black characters (the queen and Lady Danbury), but it’s also about strong women at mid-life, women who have the knowledge and experience of a half-lifetime and are still going strong. Women like me.

I’ve done my share of living at 52, and hope to have much more living in me. But inevitably, at this stage in life, there’s some heartbreak, some grief in that living. I have the heartbreak of a toxic marriage, a relationship where I was regularly emotionally and verbally abused. And while I’ve had some beautiful and powerful romantic connections in the thirteen years since, for one reason or another none of my connections has manifested as the enduring partnership that I desire. And that is my grief–the grief of not having a lasting loving relationship in this lifetime. At least, not yet.

And so, I understand Lady Danbury–a loveless marriage, romantic connections that don’t fully manifest, a strength in her solitude. And I understand Lady Danbury’s meaning, when saying to a mournful Lady Bridgerton on her deceased husband’s birthday, “You are most fortunate,” something Lady Bridgerton, grieving, fails to initially understand.

Last year, I dated my first widower. Damon is the kind of man I’ve been looking for, hoping for–attractive, intellectual (a professor and scientist!), funny (I’m used to being the funny one; a man who can make me laugh is a huge turn on.), and kind. I have exquisite taste in men, and he’s an exceptional man. We had fun together. He liked me enough to go out with me twice, despite his reservations of dating long-distance. Ultimately, he pulled back, saying “I feel like I’m your last hope.”

Au contraire. As I told him, “This isn’t an episode of Star Wars.” There’s always another day, another possibility, another man. But while disappointed that yet another special connection hadn’t worked out, I also found his words lacking in empathy, dismissive in a way, painting me as somehow desperate. And I can see how it seemed that way to him.

Dating is a means to an end for me. I seek that loving relationship I’ve lacked. But, as it hasn’t manifested (yet), dating has become something of a lifestyle. Over time, I’ve learned a lot about men, relationships, dating, and perhaps most of all, myself. I’ve worked to evolve to an ever-better version of myself, and I’ve learned what I want in a man and a relationship. I recognized that in Damon. And the thing is, I don’t come across such a man very often. When I have, to date, the connection has failed to work out for various reasons. So, while I’m hardly desperate (which is how Damon made me feel), I’ve been through enough on my journey to appreciate the preciousness of connection, and to be willing to do the work (i.e., distance) to be with the kind of man I desire.

Damon’s grief was foreign to me as I haven’t had a loving long-term committed relationship, much less lost that partner to a too-soon passing. But I did understand the power of his grief, the power of Grief, and I tried to learn his grief to better understand him. I tried to make room for his wife in the shared space of whatever relationship we might create by asking about her and inviting him to tell me a story about her–in order to honor her, to honor his/their history, to honor his grief. He was unable to do that for me.

I’ve been single a long time. I really liked him and was quite clear about that. He never asked about my experience, about my grief. He never knew the stories of what it is like to live in a marriage where you are belittled. He knows the loneliness of the void created by losing his wife, but he doesn’t know the loneliness of being in a loveless marriage or the loneliness of thirteen years and counting of being single. He doesn’t know a whole lifetime of lonely. He doesn’t know the grief of not having had that loving relationship at all. That is my grief. That is Lady Danbury’s grief. A grief that Lady Bridgerton didn’t understand either. Lady Bridgerton failed to understand that despite her pain and grief, she was lucky to have had that loving relationship that Lady Danbury and I have only had in a fleeting manner. That doesn’t make us lesser, nor does it make us desperate. We are strong, because that is the better option.

Damon is most fortunate, even in his grief, for he has had what I haven’t. At this stage of life, those of us who are single likely have some grief to go with our status. We’re all individuals with unique stories and unique grief. There are all kinds of reasons for never having married, for being divorced, and being widowed. To truly open our heart to loving another and being a good partner, we need to do our best to understand their grief and to honor their experience, even if it’s foreign to our own.

And just as Lady Danbury rejected the Queen’s brother, I too have my suitors whose favors I decline, for it’s better to be strong and single than to settle for a claustrophobic relationship. We’ve been there and done that and we won’t do it again. Better to be lonely alone than lonely in relationship.

On Peacocks and Peacocking

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Recently, I had an interaction with a type of man that I call a “peacock.” While a peacock’s plumage is beautiful, it’s a showy bird, inclined to parading that plumage. It’s this showiness that I refer to when I call a man a peacock or think of him as “peacocking.” In more generic terminology, they’re show-offs. And it’s not just men who are prone to this behavior.

1. The Literary Agent

It’s unfortunate that he was annoying. As an aspiring writer, it would be a boon to have a literary agent and bookshop owner as a connection, only he drove me bananas. I’d found his profile. He seemed interesting and attractive enough to give his profile a better look, so I clicked on it. Upon further examination he looked alright, but I wasn’t so taken in that I initiated further contact.

Seeing that I’d looked at his profile, he checked mine out in turn, responding with an in-depth direct message addressing the minutiae of my profile (i.e., Nina Simone? Ummm…okay; Chanel No. 5? Just don’t overdo it…) in critical form bullet point by bullet point (He didn’t actually use bullet points but his message read that way.). He largely dismissed contemporary art (My profile makes clear that I like art.) as well as the state I live in (I date long distance and live in Nebraska which he “apologetically” deemed a “flyover state, Sorry.”).

My issue lies not with his content (I have my issues with Nebraska.), but with his method. As a sapiosexual, I find intellect seductive, and intellect he had, but unlike the men I’m drawn to, he lacked a kindness, a gentleness, a consideration for others. He came off as obnoxiously pretentious and condescending to the point of narcissism. He obviously liked me and my profile as his message was lengthy, detailed, and responded to the specifics of my profile. We certainly had common intellectual interests. But his message didn’t invite dialogue and discussion, rather it was a judgment visited upon me, my passes and “I’ll let it go-es,” as if I was fortunate to have him visit his favor on me.

Dating is hard enough and there are enough hard feelings to be had in the undertaking. I’m a lover at my core and try to manifest a loving presence in my interactions, but he rubbed this cat the wrong way. I sent back a short sarcastic message to the effect that I’m bold enough to not write off all contemporary artists, that “Yay!” we both like art, and good luck to him. Only his vanity was such that he didn’t read my missive as sarcastic. He responded with a briefer message, to match mine, but not an unfriendly nor defensive one. As someone drawn to irony and duality, I was amused that it went over his head, that, in a way, I outsmarted Mr. Smarty Pants. But I also feel somewhat sorry for him, that with all his smarts, he lacks a certain self-awareness. That’s another attractive trait. I wish I’d found him more likeable, but I didn’t.

2. Kite Guy

Unlike Literary Agent, Kite Guy was affable likeable guy. He was warm, effusive, and enthusiastic. He’s a journalist/writer and educator, so we had common ground. He was coming into town on a story, and we arranged to meet for Happy Hour, but he kept trying to extend the date, even before we met–Do you want to come with me while I work on my story? Meet up when I’m done? Are you free tomorrow night? Enthusiastic. Clearly, he liked me, but I was still discerning our dynamics and was wary of overcommitting.

You probably inferred that Kite Guy likes kites. Before the date, he texted me that he was going for a walk/run with his kite. Upon returning to his hotel, he texted me a picture of his kite tied up to the hotel’s rooftop bar, soaring far out above the nearby field. Hauling a kite around with you, walking with it, tying it up like that embodies a sort of energy, a carefree spirit, which I admire but wasn’t seduced by. The kite-fancy could be an endearing quality to the right person, and he deserves a woman who’s endeared by it, but it’s not me.

That’s not why he’s a peacock. His eagerness to extend the date before we’d even met made his interest clear, yet at Happy Hour I hardly had a chance to talk. As a writer, I’m a good storyteller and more than capable of holding up my end of the conversation, but he didn’t give me the opportunity. Our time together consisted mostly of him storytelling his accomplishments, a narration of his resume. He was a good storyteller, but our evening together was one story–His. Once again, the failure was a lack of dialogue. He asked me three questions that evening, but he only let me finish answering one of them before cutting me off.

Kite Guy was a good guy, but he wasn’t sensitive to the shared space, the give-and-take of conversation. It’s ironic that his peacocking was largely for my benefit, to impress me, but that by peacocking he conversationally neglected me.

3. Paul Newman

Okay, he wasn’t really Paul Newman, but he had a striking resemblance to Paul Newman at middle-age with a beard. Frankly, that’s why I went out with him. I have my weaknesses. I could get into some real trouble if a guy looked like Cary Grant.

Paul didn’t have a profile bio, which is generally a “no” for me. I want to have a sense of the person behind the profile and sans bio, that’s hard to do. Initially, I didn’t respond to Paul because of that. He was also local, and I hadn’t gone out with someone local in almost a decade. But he kept showing up, messaging me, looking at my profile, and after awhile, with Paul Newman looking back at me, I had a weak moment and responded. But I gave him an assignment–before I’d go out with him, he had to write the profile bio that he should have had. I also needed to know his surname so I could be certain of who I was meeting (Years ago, I briefly dated a scam artist, so I’m careful on this point.). He provided both, but explained that there was scant information online to be found about him due to the nature of his work. I was reasonably skeptical (Scam Artist taught me well.), but willing to give him a chance (After all, he did look like Paul Newman.). So we met for dinner.

He was twenty minutes late. Not a good move on a first date (or any date for that matter). And he didn’t text or call to explain that he was running late. I decided to give him the grace of a glass of wine and he managed to show up before I drained the glass. He was apologetic for being late, but explained that he was detained because he wanted to bring me documentation to prove that he was who he said he was. He’d said he was a courier for the State Department (There aren’t many of them; I checked. It doesn’t mean he wasn’t one, but it was slightly suspect. Again, Scam Artist taught me well.). He brought me a redacted document with references to him and his work. Now, this could’ve been valid confirmation of his identity or it could be a really good artifact created by a…scam artist. Regardless, it didn’t explain why he didn’t start the process earlier if he was authentic and why he didn’t let me know he was running late either way. Unless, of course, it was all a manipulation…

Paul was better at keeping the conversation balanced than both Literary Agent and Kite Guy. He was also a good storyteller, and as an English major, I like good stories. But I was never quite sure if his stories were fiction or non-fiction. After dinner, we went to a speakeasy where he flashed around some goldback bills, New Hampshire edition, and was surprised that neither I, nor anyone else in the speakeasy had seen such a thing before. The entire speakeasy was his audience. He asked the proprietor if he accepted it as legal tender. Now, Paul was a local and surely had a better read of the locals and local businesses than that. It was all interesting and good storytelling, but came off as performance.

At one point, he showed me a scar on his leg from where he was shot. Supposedly, he’d been shot three times in three separate incidents, the most recent in Ukraine at the beginning of the current conflict. He told that story twice during the night, and while a good memory isn’t my strength, the details did seem to change a little in the retelling. I’ve learned to pay attention to details.

The evening ended with the heel breaking off one of my shoes on the way back to my car. It looked beyond my ability to repair and not worth taking to my cobbler. Paul said he’d fix it for me. I thanked him, grateful.

The next morning he texted that he’d successfully repaired my shoe. I expressed my gratitude and appreciation for his trouble. He replied that he was happy to do it having enjoyed our time together very much, and that it would make him happy if he could someday be in a relationship with me. Very flattering, but I still had some discerning to do, information to gather. I like information; information allows for informed decisions. Our conversation then wandered to what our plans were for the rest of the day, and that’s when he showed his true self…when I mentioned that I was going to dinner with a [male] friend.

Back it up, he?

Yes, I have male friends. I could see where this was headed.

No woman of mine will go out with other men for dinner.

Excuse me? I don’t belong to you. We only met last night. And no man’s going to tell me who I can and can’t be friends with. And no man is going to manipulate me and restrict my universe. G’bye…do what you like with the shoe. And so I blocked Paul Newman.

Paul was a peacock because he tried to impress me in a showy way. My instinct that something was off about him was correct. He was peacocking, but his plumage was a costume to mask his insecurities.

Encore

The common thread among these three is that regardless of the underlying purpose behind their peacocking, their showiness was ultimately off-putting and created a situation that was singular, about them, rather than creating a shared space where we could dialogue.

I’ve dated plenty of exceptional men. An exceptional man doesn’t need to parade his plumage because he’s secure enough in himself to allow space for others, to value others, and to try to see them. A person who offers you their authentic self and makes an attempt to see you for who you are is performing an exceptional act. Drop any pretense; see and be seen, for to truly see and be seen by another human being is a beautiful thing and a wonderous place to begin. And watch out for peacocks!

Love Does Not Judge, It Affirms

/ blackbirddiaryblog

“We do not judge the people we love.”  Jean-Paul Sartre

Coming from an un-loving marriage, when I ventured out into the dating world post-divorce I did so with the hope of finding a loving relationship in this lifetime. I had a sense of what love could feel like, what love should feel like, but I hadn’t had a relationship like that since my college days—almost two decades prior. How to rediscover that mid-life?

My first date out-of-the-gate was with a drug and alcohol counselor who was in recovery himself. That was hardly his only baggage—his wife had cheated on him; his stepson had died the year prior; and he was separated-not-yet-divorced. His baggage was fresh and he hadn’t had time to adequately lighten his load. He wasn’t ready to be in relationship with me or anyone.

It’s easy to see the wrongness of us in the rearview mirror, but at the time it was nice to have the male attention of someone I enjoyed (Okay, it was nice to have sex again too.). I like Scott. He’s a kind and insightful man with a good sense of humor. But ultimately, I had to walk away and take care of myself because he was unable to be supportive of me the way a lover should—he was overwhelmed with taking care of himself and his son.

As often happens with former lovers, he showed up again. We talked, and he made overtures to get back together, following this up with the question, “What would you change about me?” This caught me off-guard. I responded that I didn’t know, that I’d have to think about it. Then he said, “There are three things I would change about you…” At this point, I walked away from the conversation. Certainly not the best approach when you’re trying to reconcile with someone. But also not something you should say When You Really Love Someone.

I did, however, reflect on what I would change about Scott and I came up with—nothing. I believe Scott would own that he’s a deeply flawed human being—that’s part of his recovery and something he was always able to acknowledge—yet I accepted him for who he was knowing that he has a self-awareness and a desire for self-improvement. It is his job to initiate change in himself, not mine to tell him how to fix himself.

Isaac furthered my instruction on this point. Intelligent, worldly, and witty, he’s fun company and we always have a good time together. A professional critic, an art historian/former curator/director, he literally earns his living with his critical and discerning eye. And he’s very good at it. But this practiced critical discernment leaches into his personal life. He judged me to be worth knowing, but as well as we got along, I was too Christian, too settled, had too many children, etc. There was always some excuse or some reason that I seemed to fall short in his eyes.

I wanted to get to know him for the person he is, not the person he could be, but his interest wasn’t enough that he could do the same for me. Over a decade, we’ve slowly weaved into each other’s lives a little more, but there are always limits. He’s gotten to know and value me more with time and I’ve learned to accept his limits as part of who he is, and I value who he is and his presence in my life. And that’s love, isn’t it?

One man would have changed me, the other made me feel as if I wasn’t enough (even though I’m a pretty good package). With time, I learned that I am enough, that only I get to determine my true worth. That was a lesson in self-love and self-worth that took years to master. I am enough because I am a good loving talented person, regardless of whether or not I’m in a relationship, or whether any specific man does or does not want me.

When I am in relationship, I find it important to give and get plenty of affirmations. That doesn’t mean to be ridiculous or insincere, but it’s important to maintain a mutual sense of appreciation for each other, to not let relationship lapse into taking each for granted. And while disagreement is a normal part of any relationship, it’s crucial not to let disagreement slip into judgment. Judgment is condescending and as such is an inequitable stance in a relationship. And if I want love rather than judgment, I have to do my best not to sit in judgment of those I love, even when we disagree.

The Lesson’s Essence:

As long as you do the best to be the best person you can be, that’s enough. You are enough.

If you are in a relationship where you feel more judged than affirmed, you might reconsider your relationship.

If you want love and affirmation rather than criticism and judgment, you need to be able to give what you want to receive.