My friend Bob is a comic book artist. As such, he spends much of his time and derives a significant amount of his income from attending cons. During the pandemic, this facet of his livelihood shut down. Now that cons have reopened, at times he’s booked so heavily that he returns home weary. Home from one such round of bookings, he came by to catch up.

On my end, I disclosed my disappointment over the failure of my most recent romantic connection. Bob surmised that while my idiosyncracies are part of my allure that they also make it challenging for me to find a suitable partner. He isn’t wrong. The men I find suitable potential partners are few and far between.

In turn, Bob told me happenings from his most recent cons, but mostly, he emphasized how grateful he was for the calm quotidian of life at home with his wife after the flurry of cons and activity. Quotidian. The word smacked me. Since then, I’ve been carrying the word quotidian around, pondering its implications in my life and relationships.

I love the word quotidian. It’s such a Hegelian word, encompassing both ordinary in meaning, yet the word itself is anything but ordinary. People don’t frequently say quotidian. More often, you’ll hear the words ‘usual’, ‘common’, ‘ordinary’, ‘regular’, ‘normal’, and ‘everyday’. Despite its meaning, quotidian is an uncommon word beginning with an uncommon letter. It’s the kind of word that NPR listeners and logophiles latch onto (I’m both).

While quotidian uninterrupted could wax weary, it’s an unavoidable and core part of life and relationship. As such, it serves us well to honor the role of the quotidian in our life and relationship(s). Ideally, healthy relationship is a good balance of adventure, fun, and the quotidian. This is certainly what I seek in relationship, and I think it’s something that Bob has largely achieved. Bob may enjoy the Quotidian of life at home with his wife, but they also just returned from a trip to Egypt, quite the adventure and disruption to the quotidian!

And what about Fun? Recently, I heard Catherine Price, author of The Power of Fun, define ‘Fun’ as a synthesis of three states—Playfulness; Connection; and Flow (being fully present to the moment without distraction). Fun is dynamic; Fun is interactive. This resonates as true with me.

I’ve certainly had my share of adventures and Fun in dating and relationship, and that’s an important element of connection, but the Quotidian is a sacred space. There are few connections that I’m willing to welcome into the quotidian spaces of my life, nor whose quotidian spaces I want to share and explore.

Marinating on the Quotidian after my conversation with Bob, I realized how much I crave not only a partner in adventure and Fun, but Someone to share the sacredness of the Quotidian with; Someone who enhances the everyday; a Someone who simultaneously feels like home and like an adventure waiting to happen.

I’ve been with such men, men who are both exciting and comfortable, men who can bring Fun to both an adventure and the everyday. The serenity of cocktails at twilight on Damon’s deck was as special as our weekend in Memphis; I value both. Likewise, the pleasure of going to the farmer’s market with David or cooking a meal with Stanley. Those moments are as precious and memorable to me as our more adventurous activities.

Connection is a key element of Fun, and the right person enhances the preciousness of the Quotidian. The Quotidian doesn’t have to be devoid of Fun just because it’s the everyday. With the right person and presence to the moment, the everyday can be playful and Fun, even if at a quieter level. Have you seen the videos that Gideon Patinkin has made of his parents Mandy Patinkin and Kathryn Grody at home? They model Price’s definition of Fun–Playfulness, Connection, Flow. (If you haven’t seen any, there’s a link below to a video of Gideon giving his parents a pop culture quiz.)

Having been single for a long time, I’ve lacked a partner to share many of my moments. I find that when I think of the moments I wish to share with a partner, my thoughts often dwell in the Quotidian– waking up next to a beloved, going for walks with a beloved, grocery shopping with a beloved. There is beauty in simple things, and right connection enhances the beauty.

Yet there are few men who I feel strong connection with and desire to bring into the sacredness of the Quotidian. The Quotidian is an intimate space–the wrong person makes it feel claustrophobic; the right person gives it oxygen. Because of that, when I find a man worthy of my quotidian spaces, I recognize and value the gift of him in my life and the preciousness of that connection. And that is the trick–to not only find that special connection, but to appreciate the preciousness of that connection and not take it for granted, even in the context of the Quotidian. It’s all too easy to take the Quotidian for granted, by the very nature of its definition.

My friend Evan once said of dating that, “The chance of any one person being the One is infinitesimally small.” While I think this perspective caters to the negative as if connection must be proved and earned rather than revealed and discerned for what possibility it may hold, the flipside of Evan’s observation goes to the preciousness of finding special connection. I’ve seen so many couples take their connection for granted, take each other for granted. I’ve been taken for granted. By taking connection for granted, you devalue it and risk losing it. It’s all too easy to do; we must be mindful to avoid doing so.

One of the advantages of dating long distance is that with the inevitable apartness of distance, the togetherness becomes more precious and less easily taken for granted. And while there are long stretches of apartness, it also provides a density of togetherness–you may go several weeks apart, but then spend several days in each other’s company. This density of time is a good audition to see how well you fit in each other’s quotidian spaces. But even if you’re dating locally, if you can’t appreciate someone in your quotidian spaces, are they really the right someone? Or are they just anyone?

Being single so long, waking up so many mornings alone, walking so many walks by myself, I recognize the preciousness of each special connection I make, and, as told to Bob, grieve when it doesn’t come to fruition or live up to its promise. But, better to be alone than to welcome just anyone into the sacred space of the Quotidian. That would be reducing the Quotidian to the banal, which it needn’t be.

Lou Reed famously said, “My week beats your year.” Those words serve as a reminder to me to maximize each moment for its potential. For several years, I’ve conscientiously strived to live presently, in the Now. It’s not a simple task, but over time, I’ve become better at it.

The recent and unexpected passing of my ex has brought home to me, in a very palpable way, how quickly everything, including the Quotidian, including ourselves, can disappear. His death has brought a new urgency to appreciating each moment of the Now. Just as all the people who aren’t the One make the One that much more precious, so the fact of our death makes the finite moments we do have more valuable. Now is what we have. Honor the Quotidian in your life–the yardwork, the meal preparation, watching a movie on the couch. Someday, it will all disappear. Treasure it while you have it.

The Quotidian makes up a large amount of our finite lives. If we aren’t present to those moments, they’re wasted. Be mindful of who you invite into your Quotidian spaces, ensure that they’re worthy of that gift, and if they are, honor the preciousness of them and the connection. There’s beauty in sharing the Quotidian with the right person. It’s our job to find the gratitude in that, and not take it, nor them, for granted.

May you find someone worthy of sharing your Quotidian spaces, if you haven’t already. Good luck out there!

A Gideon Patinkin video of his parents failing a pop culture quiz while eating matzah.

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