honesty

Dating Profile Do: Be Authentic

/ blackbirddiaryblog

If you’ve spent any time on a dating app, you’ve likely come across some of the dishonesty, lies, and deception that abound in online dating–the outdated photos, the disingenuous age, the “I’ll tell you later” sidestep, the photo filters, etc. While deception is commonplace, that doesn’t make it acceptable. Likewise, just because a lot of people are doing something, doesn’t make it a good rationale for engaging in the same behavior. Be better.

Don’t: Deceptive Photos

One common deceit in online profiles is misleading photos or not providing a clear idea of one’s appearance. DW told me the story of a woman who had a pretty face in her online profile but when he met her in person, he was surprised that she was solidly in the plus-size category. While there’s nothing wrong with being a plus-size, being deceptive about it is problematic. Deception of any kind is weak footing to start a relationship with.

When I’m looking at profiles, I expect multiple photos across place and time so that I can get a clear idea of what a man looks like and whether or not I find him attractive. If I can’t get a clear idea of what a man looks like from a photo, both close-up and body type, then I won’t go any further. Not being able to clearly discern what a person looks like is an indication that they are either too lazy to put the effort into their profile or that they’re intentionally being evasive about something.

Earlier today, I came across a profile with some clearly outdated photos about which the man wrote, “You may be wondering about the photos. They’re for weeding out the superficial.” Well, his tactic is probably weeding out most women. When dating, it’s not an unreasonable expectation to have a clear idea of what someone looks like. So what’s he really hiding?

When looking at profiles beware of: blurry photos, outdated photos, I-can’t-tell-what-you-look-like photos, photos with filters, and zero or single photo profiles. Likewise, be intentional about avoiding them in your own profile.

Do: Provide Clear and Flattering Photos that Represent Yourself Honestly

A dating profile is your personal advertisement, giving information about a product (you), in an attempt to reach your target audience. Your target audience is the potential matches who find you attractive for who you are (And who you find attractive too!). Different people are attracted to different looks and different body types. Put your best self out there, but be honest, so you can find someone who appreciates you for who you are.

If you’re honest about your appearance, then potential matches won’t be disappointed (like DW was with his surprise plus-size date), and you won’t feel inadequate (You aren’t, so don’t set yourself up for feeling that way.). Rather, your dates will be looking forward to meeting the real you. And isn’t that what we all want, to be wanted and appreciated for who we are?

Don’t: Lie About Your Age

Deception of any kind is a weak footing to start a relationship with–that’s important enough that it’s worth restating. Unfortunately, misrepresentations of age are profuse in online dating. I can easily tell from photos when a man is lying about his age, and I routinely call out, “Liar,” as I pass on such profiles (and that’s what I say when I’m feeling polite).

There are, of course, the profiles where they’ve reconsidered and try to come clean. These profiles come with an apologetic statement about how they’re unable to change their age in the settings, so they’re being honest in their bio. While this is a step in the right direction, the initial deception is egregious enough that my advice to a client would be to start over with an entirely new profile. Begin from a place of authenticity, even if that means starting anew.

I’ve even seen a profile where a man came clean about his age, but rationalized his deception, “…so as not to be excluded from your search.” That one really pissed me off. I get to decide my dating parameters, not some bozo (There I am, being polite again.). It’s an illegitimate excuse. All of these lies about age skew the culture of the app toward lying and searching ever-younger to find someone who’s actually in the age bracket you’re willing to date in. Lies abound and fewer people actually look like the age their profile claims. Maybe at 52, this is why I still occasionally get carded for buying alcohol?

Wouldn’t it be better if people were honest with no age-shame? As members of the dating app community, we get to determine what our contribution to the culture of our community will be and what communal values we want to reinforce. Wouldn’t it be nice to elevate authenticity as a value?

Do: Own Your Age, Don’t Let it Own You

I’m 52, and I own it. I look great. I take care of myself, and it shows. I take pride in myself and in how I present myself to the world. My confidence has been earned through practice, making the effort, and owning both my worth and beauty, regardless of my age. Did I like my face better ten years ago? Sure, but I still look great with the face I have now–I just spend more time and money to look not quite as good as I used to. Nevertheless, I still look great.

Photo: Me making 52 look as good as I can!

Take care of yourself and feel better about yourself. Don’t settle, and don’t give up on yourself. Make the effort to put your best you out there and look your best. We’re all getting older; own your age with confidence and wear it well. You’re worth it, so claim it!

Don’t: Be Evasive About Information

The information in the “About” section of a dating app is typically legitimate information to know in order to gauge if someone might make a good potential match. On Match, if you don’t provide this information, it says, “I’ll tell you later.” My response is generally, “No, you won’t.” The “About” section is your chance to tell. If you don’t tell, you might not get a chance to tell at all. By withholding legitmate information, you risk turning potential matches away or off. No bueno.

Two important pieces of information to me are relationship status and education level. While I’m open to most statuses, I won’t date someone who’s separated. I want to be with someone who has both emotional and legal distance from their last relationship. If someone’s relationship status says, “I’ll tell you later,” to me that signals that it’s complicated and/or they aren’t divorced, situations that I don’t want to get anywhere near.

As someone with an intellectual bent (Heads-up, I read Shakespeare for pleasure!), I date men with graduate or postdoctoral degrees, men who have similar intellectual inclinations. If I see “I’ll tell you later,” under a man’s education, it probably means that he doesn’t have an advanced degree. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it does mean that he’s probably not for me. We all have the right to set our own dating parameters, including education level. Being evasive about education level comes across as apologetic and embarrassed/ashamed. Lack of higher education doesn’t require an apology, nor is it shameful. There’s no shame in being who you are (as long as you aren’t actively an asshole). Be honest to attract the right kind of potential matches for you and people who appreciate you for who you are.

Additionally, be wary of profiles that offer little real information, particularly if the profile has only one photograph of an exceptionally attractive individual–be rightfully suspicious; it’s probably a lure. Information is good. It can help you make informed decisions.

Do: Provide Honest and Relevant Information

You don’t need to get the nitty-gritty details of your life, but your dating profile is your chance to put your best authentic self out there and find a good potential match. Think of your profile as your dating resume. The more information you provide, the more it allows potential matches to get a sense of who you are. This is no time to be coy, if you’re serious about finding romantic connection, then you need to take your dating profile seriously. Put your authentic self out there without shame. You’re worth that.

Don’t: Try to be Someone You Aren’t

On my dating profile, it mentions that I pair well with alphas. Alphas have an innate strength that can match my strong female energy without being threatened by it. Some people misunderstand the term thinking it simply means someone who’s aggressive and bossy. An admirer of mine once made this mistake and tried to bend himself to be the person he thought I was looking for. Well, that didn’t work.

Rather than maturely accepting that I wasn’t interested, this admirer looked for a work-around. We all get to set our own dating parameters and determine who we’re interested in. And we’ll all likely face some disappointment in the pursuit of love and relationship; I certainly have. But ultimately, we deserve to be loved for who we authentically are. Pretending to be other than you are is suggesting that somehow you aren’t already enough. You are enough.

Do: Be Honest with Yourself and Others About Your Truths

I’ve dated men with a strong self-awareness and men who lacked it. I appreciate and respect a man who knows himself and is honest about his truth, even when his truth isn’t what I might hope for.

Isaac was honest about his truths with me from the beginning, truths that set a limitation on what we could be. Yet, despite those limitations, twelve years later, our relationship has grown and expanded–an irony which couldn’t have happened if I hadn’t accepted him for his authentic self.

David promised me a life together. Then, he panicked (ironic in an alpha), leaving me devastated. I don’t believe his promise was a deception, but rather a lack of fully recognizing his own limitations. He still pops in and out of my life, but he’s exhausted any emotional trust–I’m now aware of his truth.

Some of the truths that I’ve been privy to: relationship/emotional limitations, physcial truths (i.e., disease, disability, etc.), sexual proclivities, living arrangements, and geographic limitations. There are plenty of other truths: a strong faith or lack thereof, politics, personality/character traits, etc. Truths are the areas where we have strong inclinations or realities that are inflexible. These are our places where someone must accept us as we are. What are your truths?

At this stage in our lives, we should have a fairly solid sense of who we are. If you don’t, then that’s an area worth devoting some time to; it will empower you going forward. Know your truths and be honest about them. This honesty will help you find better potential partners, and demonstrates consideration for the potential matches you meet. Honesty is the foundation of trust, and trust is an important foundation for relationship.

Final Thoughts:

We don’t create the algorithm, but we contribute to the community and the culture of online dating. We get to determine what we bring to the space. There’s grace in honesty and authenticity–let’s embrace that. By being genuine, we make the community and culture better.

If you’re doing your best to be your best you, then that’s enough. You are enough. Put your authentic self out there, so that you can find someone who sees and appreciates the true you. And likewise, be attuned to people who are authentic, and beware of those who aren’t. Be savvy, not blindly trusting, about recognizing other’s authenticiy, or their lack thereof. Trust is a gift that is earned with honest words and actions over time.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Honoring Connection and the Quotidian

For tips on dating profile photos see my series: Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Some Photo Basics; Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: More Photo Tips; and Profile Pictures: Tips on Taking Good Profile Photos.

When a (Wo)Man Tells you their Truth, Believe them

/ blackbirddiaryblog

“Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.”  Coco Chanel 

I’ve always been something of a misfit, or to use a more flattering term, unicorn. There’s truth in both terms, because to be so is to feel special and unique as a unicorn, but lonely as a misfit. Dating is hard enough, but this creates additional difficulty, because to be properly matched requires finding another unicorn, someone who speaks my language, who can both hear me and see me. Not everyone can. That’s a large part of why I date long-distance, to find a man who can.

While I have a definite type, more importantly, I’ve been single long enough to become a master of recognizing a special connection and chemistry quickly–it doesn’t happen often. In the past couple of years, I’ve come across such a man on Match about every six months. And like clockwork, I found one recently–right on time.

Our first phone call lasted five-and-a-half-hours. Later that night, we talked for another hour. Easily more time than I’ve spent on the phone with another person in a day. Evan is smart, talented, gracious, and funny. That first conversation he said, “We’re kindred spirits.” Indeed, we are. But, he has a truth that sets a limit on what we can be.

A relationship is whatever two whole individuals determine that their shared space can be. That shared space can be as expansive or as limited as those individuals allow.

Evan was upfront from the beginning that he “doesn’t see a long-distance relationship in the stars” for himself. I’ve been dating long distance for a decade now. I was disappointed but not surprised. For some men, long-distance is a non-issue. Others need to sit with the idea to discern their thoughts and feelings. And for some men, such as Evan, it’s a solid no-go.

The rub is that Evan is British, and before moving to the States to be with his ex, they had a long-distance international relationship across an ocean, yet a long-distance domestic relationship is something he’s taken off the table with me. Not the first time my love life has felt incongruous. It’s frustrating. But it’s been my reality, and while I can try to shift my reality, I can’t try to shift his truth.

I have to believe him. And I do. Some people will try and deceive you and win you over while pursuing their own agenda on the sly. Some people are simply vague. Some people are unsure of their truth(s). But if someone is good enough to tell you a truth about themselves that is disappointing, they are showing you the respect of being honest. Believe them. Evan’s truth isn’t about me; it’s about him and where he is at this point in his life. That he likes me is clear. But that’s not enough to override his truth.

I learned this lesson long before I got to Evan. Men have been telling me their truths since the first man I dated after my divorce, over a decade ago. Back then, I wasn’t as savvy. But I’m a good student, and experience has schooled me well.

A few of the truths I’ve been privy to:

  • I’m not ready for a relationship–Scott, 2012. True that. He was separated, not divorced; a recovering alcoholic; his stepson had died the year prior; his wife had cheated on him; he was in risk of foreclosure/bankruptcy; and he lost his job while we were dating. What the hell was I thinking? Scott is a good human being, but I caught him in a bad place. Frankly, I wasn’t in such a great place myself. He was the first guy I dated after my divorce. I was lonely and I’d been celibate for two years. Silly me, I tried to be the patient and supportive girIfriend. That didn’t work. What can I say? I was naïve, lonely, and horny.
  • “I’m not good with budgeting.”–Jack Ashe, 2013. Mmm-hmmm. Yet, supposedly he was a successful businessman and he always had money to spend. After a few weeks, some things weren’t adding up, so I did some sleuthing. Digging around, I discovered that he was a scam artist on probation. He’d even lied to me about his name. So I’ve given him a more apropos name.
  • “I am probably a poor match…”–-Isaac, 2013. Dear Isaac; he’s a special one. We’ve weaved in and out of each other’s lives for over a decade, imprinting upon one another. My experience of him was the catalyst to start writing–the first time he dumped me, I bought a moleskine journal and began recording my reflections. A decade later, I have a manuscript (in perpetual revision); essays out for submission; and a dating blog. I’ve imprinted upon him as well. The morning after our one night of in-the-flesh-fornication, equestrian Isaac, perhaps a little distracted, was unseated when his horse started, resulting in a major concussion which still haunts him. With time, we’ve grown closer. Recently, he observed, “We have connection.” (2023) Indeed, we do. And yet, we’ve never been in an exclusive relationship. We’ve never fully matched. And he remains the ever-never-married bachelor. His truth stands.

I’ve learned to appreciate honesty, even when it’s not the truth I’m hoping for. I’m an English major. As such, it only makes sense that one of my love languages is Words of Affirmation. Yet I’ve been with men whose words were pretty but didn’t carry any weight.

  • You’re the love of my life.–Stanley, 2022. I’d broken it off with Stanley a few years prior to him saying this. We were compatible and had fun together. The words are lovely. I’d love to hear them from a lover who makes me feel that way. Stanley may have meant those words, or they may have felt true to him, but that’s not how he made me feel when we were together, and he had plenty of time to make me feel his truth. Instead, during our relationship, I felt taken for granted. He prioritized his ex, his sister, his friend over me. He didn’t stand up for me. It shouldn’t have been a competition, yet I consistently came in second place. His words didn’t match his actions. And that’s why I eventually left.
  • I want you here with me in Santa Fe.–David, 2021. David had a lot of words, all of them pretty–he’s a writer, a master of words, and for a while I was his muse. On our first date he gave me a key to his house and vowed to buy me a ring. Our connection and chemistry is strong. But he panicked. I’m not sure what he’s afraid of–The power of his feelings? Commitment? Making space in his life for someone after being single for so long? Ultimately, the answer is moot. What matters is that after all his pretty words, he panicked and threw up an impenetrable wall of silence. He’s taken the wall down a few times, but, ultimately, he rebuilds it. A few months ago when David came back yet again, I wanted to believe that it was for good, but I was rightfully wary. “No more wall of silence?” I asked. He guaranteed, “No more wall of silence.” Not surprisingly, the wall’s been rebuilt, and once again I’m left with The Sound of Silence.

Hollow words have no weight, no meaning. As an English major, I needs words to mean something. I’ve learned to appreciate it when a man’s words do mean something, even if they aren’t the words I want to hear. At least they’re honoring me with truth.

Stanley’s words were always hollow–promises unkept and words that didn’t match actions. I think David’s words were sincere, but he lacked follow-through. He wanted to be more than he was able to manifest. We talked of being shameless, yet I can’t help but wonder if perhaps his silence is his shame?

My friend Bob told me not to give up on Evan. Bob’s a dear beloved friend, but while well-intended, his messaging is misguided. Bob said that because he cares for me and sees my value. He’s seen me hurt and doesn’t understand why my relationships haven’t worked out to date. Frankly, I don’t completely understand myself, but so it is. And so I face my reality and Evan’s truth, and I don’t hold out hope for Evan to change his truth.

Unless he tells me different, I must honor Evan’s truth. It’s his truth to shift or not shift. Truths can change with time and experience, but I can’t count on that and I can’t hope for that. Hope is both a necessary and a dangerous thing. It’s necessary to avoid its nemesis, Despair, but false hope and hope unrealized, ends in disappointment. Better to live with reality and be cautious about where you invest your hope, for by deluding yourself with an untruth or a hoped-for-truth, ultimately the person you’re hurting is yourself.

Evan’s set a limit on what we can be, so in turn, I need to set emotional limits to protect myself. But within the boundaries of what we can be, I’ll enjoy Evan for whatever our connection is, not sulk about what it isn’t. For Evan is warm, and talking with him leaves me feeling like the sun has shone on me. I want to enjoy that warmth without setting myself up for the pain of disappointment.

But meanwhile, I’ll keep looking for that elusive man and connection who doesn’t set limits on what we can be. For ultimately, I want a man who sees my worth and opens his expanses to me. Every six months or so, I seem to find a good connection. I only need one of those connections to work out. I can hope for that, but I’ve also learned not to count on that. All I can do is keep trying. That’s all any of us can do. And best of luck to you in your attempts!

Up Next: Just Be Yourself, but be your Best You