A reader recently sent me the following comment asking me to explore the role of sexual desire in a dating/relationship context:

I have met quite a number of women who say they are done with relationships, and sex in particular. Perhaps an installment about sexual frustration in a relationship would help us get some perspective on the matter. I’m 72, male, and find sex to be very important to me. I think you’ve mentioned your feelings about it, as I recall, but I would certainly enjoy any thoughts you have to share.

To the reader’s concern, sexual desire is something that varies across individuals and can even vary for an individual across time. And, just as values, common interests, and physical attraction are factors to consider when discerning compatibility with a romantic partner, libido level is something that may be worth considering also.

Heterofatalism

It’s true that there’s a trend in older women forgoing romantic relationships. There’s a name for this trend, heterofatalism, and I recently did a post addressing this and other dating trends. Essentially, heterofatalism is the frustration of heterosexual women with dating and romantic relationships.

We live in a world that continues to be male-centric, and as a heterosexual woman, the entitlement that many men manifest (often unknowingly) and the inequities of our larger social context frequently show up in our romantic relationships. And we’re tired. Further, we have other options. Women today have more financial empowerment and autonomy than we used to. Some women are choosing to opt out of romantic relationships, seeing that as the better option. We want to be treated as we deserve. Not all men are capable of doing that.

Change in Sexual Desire

Libido is something that can change over time for both men and women. Age, shifting body image, and the longevity of the relationship can all be factors in a shift in sexual desire.

Age

There are different aspects of aging that can potentially impact sexual desire.

Body Changes

For some people, the changes our bodies undergo with age may impact sexual desire, while for others it may not.

Personally, my libido hasn’t changed much over time, though my body has. With menopause, I’m drier–everywhere. That dryness affects my sexual experience, but there’s lubricant for that. The changes in our bodies with age don’t necessarily change our libido, though they may impact our experience.

Similarly, men may have more difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection as they get older. Even if our libido isn’t impacted by our bodily changes, we may need to find new ways (Viagra, anyone?) to help us integrate our libido with our changing bodies.

Libido Changes

Several years ago, I dated a retired military test pilot who was very taken with my long hair. He asked me, more than once, if I ever intended to cut it short. I replied that I intended to keep it long, even when I let it go gray. He was relieved at this, saying, “Us military guys know that when a woman cuts her hair short, it means that she’s done with sex.”

While that’s hardly a universal truth, there’s something to that. Traditionally, a lot of older women do cut their hair short. It’s easier and more practical. And, that may or may not represent an unwillingness to put that time into cultivating their physical allure or sexuality. My friend S relates to this story. He’s had more than one woman he was involved with both cut her hair and lose sexual interest. Then again, it’s important not to make assumptions about individuals. A woman with short hair doesn’t necessariy equate a woman with no sexual libido, that would be a gross over-generalization.

And women aren’t the only ones who may experience decreased libido. I went out with R a couple of years ago. He was quite frank with me that his libido had diminished with age.

Self-Concept Changes

My great-aunt Marjorie famously declared herself an old woman upon her fortieth birthday. She then proceeded to have all her teeth pulled out to get dentures. My great-aunt lived on to the ripe age of 103. She prematurely saw herself as old, in part, because of the social messaging she got, but she also chose to accept and internalize that messaging.

I have friends who’ve had medical (vs. cosmetic) surgeries which altered the way their body looks, as well as how they feel about their bodies. That, in turn, can affect how someone feels about their sexuality. It’s a tricky space, a space someone can choose to navigate with their romantic partner and/or a therapist. But it’s also a space that someone can choose to avoid, forgoing their sexuality altogether.

We can’t avoid the changes that happen to our bodies with time, but we can choose our response. Some people let themselves go. Some people let getting older define them. Myself, I acknowledge that my body is changing and that I’m getting older, but I’m also determined to look my best and live as fully as I can while I still can, including continuing to live my sexuality, though how I live it may shift with time. What will/do you choose?

Long Term Relationship Shifts

Sometimes, over the course of a relationship, the sexual dynamic of a couple shifts. The throes of that initial tangled spark of love and lust may calm into a different sexual rhythm. That may or may not be satisfactory to both partners in the relationship, but for healthy relationship, there must be mutual respect and good communication in navigating that shift. (Funny, I had a typo of shaft there–something else to navigate!)

Your Sexual Desire

There are many aspects of a person to consider when discerning your compatibility with them. For me, there’s a distinct difference in the discernment of an individual versus a relationship dynamic. There are plenty of men who I’m compatible with and whose company I enjoy, but who I feel no sexual desire for. As a woman who has a healthy sex drive, that’s an important distinction. In a romantic relationship, I want someone who I’m compatible with, feel connection to, AND who arouses my desire.

In determining sexual compatibility in a relationship, you should have a general awareness of your current level of desire, who arouses it, and any sexual proclivities. Do you have a healthy libido? How important is that to you in romantic relationship? Do you have any particular sexual inclinations? How flexible can you be to accommodate someone else and meet them where they are?

Your Romantic Partner

When you’re discerning whether someone may be a good potential match, along with other considerations–compatibility, values, shared interests, chemistry, physical attraction, sense of humor–it’s also worth considering whether you have compatible sexual desire. This can include both frequency and any sexual proclivities. Does your partner feel the same level of sexual desire as you? Do they like the same kind of things as you? Are you open to exploring each other’s preferences?

If there’s a major mismatch sexually, that could be problematic, necessitating mutual compromise or indiviudal sacrifice.

Final Thoughts

If you and your romantic partner are sexually compatible, that’s great–have fun!

However, if your sexual compatibility isn’t straightforward, then you need to identify how important/strong your sexual desire is and what potential compromises you are or aren’t willing to make to accommodate your romantic partner’s desire (or lack thereof). I know people on both ends of the spectrum–someone who’s made peace with their partner’s lack of desire and another who’s unwilling to compromise what they want sexually.

Some final think-abouts–Where are you on the spectrum? How much do you value your partner? What are you willing to compromise to be with them? What are they willing to compromise for you? How you answer those questions can reveal a lot about the relationship you’re living in.

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If you have any comments or questions of your own please leave a note in the comments below or on my contact page.

Good luck out there!

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