Q & A

Q & A: What is a Committed Relationship?

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Not long ago, a reader posed this question to me–What is a commited relationship?

Mutual Understanding

To my mind, the most basic aspect of a committed relationship is a mutual agreement to commit to a certain kind (there are different kinds) of romantic relationship. If it isn’t mutually agreed upon, then it’s not really a commitment. And, the very act of committing to a romantic relationship elevates the relationship itself, distinguishing it as both precious and prioritized.

In the past, I’ve on occasion pressed pause on exploring other romantic options upon meeting a man who I found compelling. This, even though there was no mutual agreement to exclusivity. It was my choice not to see other people in such an instance, but it was not a committed relationship. I chose not to see other people despite knowing that he might be seeing other women. It was my choice to do so, with no obligation on his part prior to an agreed upon committment.

Culturally, our ideal of a committed relationship is two people who find each other and say, “Wow, I choose you!“ And what a lucky, exciting, and beautiful thing that is. I aspire to that myself.

Sometimes though, people commit to each other without the exuberance of love, but for practical reasons. I married not for love, but because I was pregnant. I thought and hoped that love might follow, but it didn’t. Nevertheless, I committed myself to a man for ten years, and I honored that committment until our relationship became untenable. Uncommitting is something that happens too. It’s not the plan when people commit to each other, but uncommitting is a potential outcome when the people who commit to each other don’t mutually tend to and take care of the relationship and each other.

Different Levels of Commitment

There are, of course, different levels of commited relationship. A commited relationship can be as basic as agreeing to date each other exclusively to see where the relationship goes. It’s an “I choose you” move, even if it’s for the sake of simply exploring what the relationship can be.

Should both of you desire, you can level up on your commitment. Moving in together, getting engaged, or getting married are all examples of deepening commitment to each other. My sister and her romantic partner have been together for a couple of decades. They live together and have a child together, but they’ve never married. Despite never formally marrying, they have a deep level of commitment to each other. Level of commitment isn’t necessarily defined by terminology or legal status. In a Seinfeld episode, a woman tosses around the word fiance, advertising the level of her commitment, yet it comes across as quite shallow compared to my sister and her romantic partner’s commitment.

Different Kinds of Relationship

Our traditional cultural ideal of committed relationship is two people who commit to each other exclusively and long-term. This is already hard enough to achieve–both in finding a right person to commit to (the “Wow!” factor) in the first place, and then to be able to sustain the relationship in a healthy way long-term.

But just as are there different levels of commitment, there are also different kinds of relationship, such as open-relationships and polyamory. These relationship styles deliberately evade exclusive commitment to one person, even if they involve commitment of some kind. A committed relationship to one person is hard enough to get right. The further relationship strays from a committed relationship, the more complicated and challenging it becomes to maintain a healthy relationship where everyone is happy and no one feels undermined, threatened, or jealous. That’s not to say that such a commitment can’t work, but it’s that much more complicated than two people committed exclusively to each other.

My former brother-in-law’s first marriage (he’s now on his third) was an open marriage. That marriage was short-lived. With an open marriage, they attempted to live both in commitment and uncommitted simultaneously, but their lack of commitment ultimately sabotaged any commitment they did have.

Final Thoughts

If you have any thoughts on committed relationships, I’d love to hear them. Simply leave a comment below. And if you have any questions, please submit them in the comments or on my contact form.

I hope you find that special person who makes you feel lucky to find them and happier for being with them. Good luck out there!

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Up Next: Relationship Values–On Being Seen (and Heard)

Q & A: Intimacy without Commitment

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A Reader recently sent me the following question:

This one is less practical query, more subjective musing…. I think your readers would be interested in an honest exploration from you of the role of NON-long-term, non-committed intimacy in dating.

While I’m sure that most, if not all, of us are genuinely looking for the last/best relationship of a lifetime, I feel like for people in my age group, there’s also room for, and value in, the “in-between” —  intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness) without the expectation of it lasting forever.

There have been a few times in my experience when communication about such things has been good enough that it’s possible to navigate this with nobody getting terribly hurt. Though the chance for an imbalance in expectations is always there.

I know this is a loaded issue, and that male / female perspectives may be very different (or not as different as i think a lot of people assume). Anyway I’d be really interested in hearing you wax philosophical about this from your perspective as a woman with significant dating experience.

To begin with, I think the Reader is spot on in his thinking and musing. I agree that most of us ultimately do hope to find, “the last/best relationship of a lifetime.” But if that isn’t happening (yet), what about other relationship options? Let’s consider…

Terminology

While the type of relationship the Reader is describing sounds like Friend with Benefits, I personally dislike that terminology. FWB connotes a casual relationship–a friend who you hook-up with sometimes. Also, as someone from a certain age group, it feels sophomoric, and it doesn’t seem to adequately match the quality of relationship the Reader describes.

The Reader describes a relationship of, intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness) without the expectation of it lasting forever. Intimacy, friendship, and emotional closeness to me indicate more than simply a friendship with a sex add-on. On the spectrum of relationship, it seems to lie beyond FWB, but stops short of a last/best relationship.

As an English major, I appreciate the nuance of words and like them to suit the situation. So, what terminology best fits?

  • Situationship? Maybe. That signifies an undefined relationship, but I agree with our Reader, that communication in this scenario is important. Yet much like FWB, I find this term sophomoric as well.
  • Lover? This achieves the sense of intimacy, but it’s a broad term that doesn’t address commitment or lack thereof.
  • A fling? That connotes a brief love affair, as well as a casting off–the latter, not so flattering an association.
  • A flirtation? Perhaps better, it indicates being amorous without serious intent. Yet that seems to fall short of the intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness), that our Reader describes.

For our purposes here, let’s refer to this type of relationship as an “Interlude.” This term signifies both the “in-between-ness” that Our Reader mentions, and it also suggests something with a beginning and an end. It’s a more sophisticated term acknowledging that such a relationship may not be a committed relationship, but a more (amore?) refined term to denote the Reader’s desire for emotional connection and intimacy, as well as physical intimacy.

As for its lack of permanence, an Interlude serves as a type of relationship to fill an emotional and physical romantic space in the meantime, on the way to the last/best relationship most of us seek.

Know Yourself

When considering whether to have an Interlude, begin with from a place of self-scrutiny. Our Reader sounds very comfortable with such an arrangement, but not everyone would be. Be aware of your limits and what you can be comfortable with.

Myself, while I’ve had such connections in my journey, I generally find this a difficult space to inhabit. I tend to only be sexually aroused by men who I feel strong emotional connection with. If I don’t feel the emotional-sexual connection, then I’m probably not interested in pursuing more. And, if I do feel a strong emotional connection with a man, then I tend to want more from the relationship, not limitations in time or level of commitment.

When such a man imposes limitations on what we can be, I find maneuvering that space challenging. And frankly, I don’t appreciate being “good enough” for an Interlude but not worthy of being considered relationship material.

The Reader asks for a female perspective. While I hardly speak for all women, I think this is a common point of view for many women. That said, just as a man might be looking for a certain kind of companionship while seeking for his last/best relationship, there are certainly women who’ll be open to considering anInterlude as well. And, though it’s not a preferred place for me to dwell, I’ve visited it. I’ve had phases in my life where I’ve been more or less willing to get involved in such relationships, depending on how I’m feeling at the time.

This is where I think it’s important to know yourself and what you can handle. Can you handle that level of emotional and physical intimacy, yet still maintain a healthy emotional remove and work within the limits of an Interlude?

Also consider, Who can you handle such a relationship with and still find satisfaction in the Connection? There are some men who I can’t handle such a relationship with, and yet there’s a man who I’ve managed to maintain such an intermittent flirtation with across the years. We have emotional connection, friendship, and strong physical attraction, yet we’ve never manifested as a committed relationship.

In determining whether or not this might suit you, consider specific past connections that never quite got off the ground. Think of how you felt with each person and whether you could’ve emotionally handled that level of emotional and physical intimacy with imposed limits.

Or, if you’ve had a Romantic Interlude before, reflect back on whether or not that worked for you. Was it emotionally messy? Did it provide welcome companionship?

Consider any current relationships you have where you feel connected, but there doesn’t seem to be relationship momentum. Zoom out and examine your thoughts and feelings. Does a Romantic Interlude feel like an attractive option? Or does it feel emotionally dangerous?

Consider the Other Person

Our Reader has good impulses. He states, “There have been a few times in my experience when communication about such things has been good enough that it’s possible to navigate this with nobody getting terribly hurt.“

When pursuing a Romantic Interlude, it’s key to consider not only whether you’re emotionally comfortable in this space, but is the other person? If you care enough about someone to wander down the road of both physical AND emotional intimacy, then you probably care enough about their well-being that you don’t want them to get hurt.

The best way to discern whether the other person can handle such an arrangement would be, as our Reader says, good communication. Such communication would need to clearly express what your limits are and ensuring that they’re comfortable with those limits.

It’s also worth considering, based on your knowledge of the person, your own perception of whether or not you think they could handle an Interlude without being terribly hurt. If you sense that they couldn’t, then perhaps it’s best to not broach the topic at all. Rather, enjoy the relationship for what it already is without pushing at its limits.

Pay Attention to the Signage

As your Interlude plays out, pay attention to the signals that you’re receiving from your companion, both verbal and silent. Do they seem comfortable and relaxed? Do they seem wistful? Do you sense they’re pushing for more? Alternatively, are they pulling away?

Also, zoom out and examine your own feelings about the Connection. Is the Connection satisfying in the way you’d hoped? Do you have concerns or misgivings?

If no particular concerns arise, then enjoy and savor it for what it is while it lasts. But remember, by the very nature of it being NON-long-term, non-committed, it will probably play out at some point. Pay attention to the signage so you’re aware when the Interlude has reached its coda.

On the contrary, if you sense that maybe the Connection is worth exploring in a more committed long-term capacity, pay attention to whether you’re getting any signaling from your companion that they may or may not be feeling the same. Again, as our Reader stated, communication will be crucial to ensure that both you and your companion are on the same page about the limits of the connection or expanding its potential.

By paying attention to the signage you’re getting, both from own your feelings and perceptions, as well as any signals or communication from your Connection, you’ll have a good sense of when it may be time to shift gears or whether it makes sense to maintain your course.

Final Thoughts

While the focus of this post is on Romantic Interludes, ultimately, I hope you find your last/best relationship of a lifetime. I do love the way our Reader worded that. In the meantime, enjoy any Interlude(s) and maneuver them carefully. Good luck out there!

Should You have any questions, please post them in the comments below or send them via my Contact page.

Q & A: How do I Respond When I’m Not Interested?

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A reader recently posed the following question to me:

How to approach the problem of responding (or not) to someone who sends you an ardent and self-revealing message, but whom you simply have no interest in dating. Just not responding is obviously an option. But when they really put themselves out there, I feel shitty about meeting it with radio silence.  I’ve got my pat “You seem great but I don’t think we’re a match” message. But what I’m really flummoxed by is the following case: What to do when all indications are that someone is completely simpatico with you, on all kinds of levels that truly matter — except that you don’t find them at all physically attractive. My usual line in that case seems hollow and odd; yet I just can’t speak the whole truth. Help! 

His concerns are heartfelt, and he poses many good questions. Let’s break this scenario down.

You’re Not Interested…

When you’re in a dating context and like someone, but not in the romantic sense, it’s an uncomfortable spot. Our reader obviously has an admirable compassion. Dating’s a tricky gig, and hurt feelings, or in this case, hurting feelings is one of the tricky bits. Making ourselves emotionally vulnerable is an unavoidable part of the gig. Sometimes we get hurt. And sometimes, we wound others, even if it hurts us a little too.

….Because You’re Not Physically Attracted

There are a lot of different elements in discerning whether someone is a good romantic match or not, but I usually use physical attraction as my starting point.

People get on dating platforms with a myriad of intentions. Personally, I’m not on dating platforms to make friends (some people actively are), but to find a romantic partner. To that end, the first area of discernment for me is always the profile pictures. If I’m not physically attracted or can’t visualize potentially being physically intimate with the man, then I don’t bother going any further. Physical intimacy is an important part of a romantic relationship for me, and it’s essential that I’m physically attracted to any man I’m with.

There are a lot of interesting men that I’m not physically attracted to, and there are also men who I find physically attractive but lack compelling personalities. Personally, I want both. I think most of us do. The question becomes–How much time and energy are you willing to put into a connection (made in the context of a dating platform) that doesn’t hold romantic potential for you? Are you open to making friends along the way, or are you on the dating platform with a single-minded romantic focus?

If you’re single-minded in your purpose on platform, then you may want to use physical attraction as a starting point in your discernment, before moving on to personality. For me, this looks like not interacting with a man who I’m not physically attracted to, so as not to lead him on or encourage him.

If, however, you’re open to making friends along the way, then you’ll need to maneuver carefully in how you handle that on a dating platform.

…But They’re Simpatico

Sometimes you’re allured by someone’s personality, but the connection doesn’t make sense on a romantic level. Again, it’s a tricky space, especially if you meet on a dating platform, where the given context is romantic. I’ve been on both sides of this scenario.

So, Do You Choose to Interact?

This is where you need to decide if you’re open to making/seeking friends on a dating platform in a continued contact way; whether you’re willing to interact to be polite; or whether you’re going to limit your interactions to people with whom you see romantic potential.

As I mentioned, when I look at profiles, I always start with the photos. If I’m not physically attracted, I don’t go further. When men reach out to me who I’m not attracted to, I don’t respond so as not to lead them on. The further one walks down that road, the messier it gets. I choose to abbreviate rather than stretch out any disappointment.

I’ve also had the situation where a man wasn’t interested in dating long-distance, but was nevertheless taken with my profile and wanted to get to know me. He was comfortable with putting limits on our relationship, but I’ve found those limits difficult. While I continue to engage with him, I’ve had to create my own boundaries to protect myself emotionally. Limits beget limits.

Visualize relationship as the shared space of a Venn Diagram. When you meet someone in a romantic context, but you’re not romantically interested, you’re shrinking the shared space. In turn, they’ll likely shrink that space further. How much time and energy are you willing to devote to that shrinking space?

If you decide that you’re intrigued enough by personality to choose to engage, then be sure to define your limits upfront, so as not to lead them on. This will take some tact, and they may not be interested in walking down a platonic path.

One way to frame this is some variation of, “I don’t feel that this is the relationship I’m looking for, yet I find you really simpatico. Would you be interested in continuing our conversation? If not, I totally understand.” Phrasing it this way defines your limits upfront, and while probably disappointing on her end, you’re also giving her the power of choice to say no.

They Put Themselves Out There

As for the ardent and self-revealing message where she put herself out there–Good for her! Again, making ourselves vulnerable is part of the gig we accept with dating. That she’s being vulnerable and authentic is a strength, not a weakness.

That doesn’t mean your romantic disinterest won’t wound her, but rather by being so forthcoming, she’s demonstrating a courage many people lack. Dating would probably be a much more simpatico experience in general if more people conducted themselves with her level of authenticity.

How to Respond

If you do choose to respond in some form, rather than radio silence, then it’s thoughtful to both honor her good qualities and likability, while also being clear that she isn’t a right fit for you. Your statement, “You seem great but I don’t think we’re a match” accomplishes this, but let’s look at how we could improve upon the flatness you’re feeling.

As a teacher, I’m trained to give specific feedback to students regardless of whether I’m praising or critiquing. Instead of “Good job!” I would say something along the lines of, “You read that so fluently!” or “You did a great job sounding that word out carefully!”

To that end, in addressing her good qualities, something more specific might give your response more dimensionality, such as, “I’m so impressed with your authenticity” or some other quality that you find attractive. Alternately, use language that sounds less canned than, “You seem great” and more like yourself, such as, “You seem simpatico in many ways.”

As for letting her down, while “I don’t think we’re a match” is clear without being unkind, I usually say something along the lines of, “I’m not feeling the chemistry that I’m seeking in a romantic relationship.” The power in this terminology, for me, is that it goes to you are two unique individuals seeking chemistry. If the chemistry isn’t working, it’s not because anything’s wrong with either individual, but rather the relationship dynamic itself.

Final Thoughts

Dating is a tough and vulnerable gig with a lot of hard feelings. For most of us, it’s a means to an end–finding a stable loving relationship. Meanwhile, we subject ourselves to an emotional roller coaster in seeking that stability. Our reader is going about it with compassion. May we all do so to make a hard thing easier on others.

If you have any questions, please send them my way. See my contact page or scroll down and write a question in the comments below.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Why Not?

Q & A: On the Paradox of Choice

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Recently, I was asked, “What about the paradox of choice that comes with internet dating? Is it real?” My short answer was that, “…the paradox of choice is as real or unreal as someone chooses to make it.” Let’s explore that.

The Paradox of Choice

The Paradox of Choice is a concept posed by psychologist Barry Schwartz. The gist is that the more choice we have, the more difficult it is to choose and the less satisfied we are with our choice. After all, with so many choices, surely one of them is a better option than whatever we might happen to select. Thus, choice is followed by dissatisfaction and regret, or so Schwartz’s theory reasons.

Myself, I’ve experienced the overwhelm of choice in the toothpaste aisle. Growing up, I remember Aim, Colgate, and Crest. The number of brands has expanded somewhat, but the choice has really expanded in the different types offered within each brand.

Here are the Colgate options at my grocery store: Optic White Renewal High Impact White; Optic White Renewal Brilliant Shine; Total Plaque Pro Release Whitening; Total Plaque Pro Release Fresh Mint; Optic White Advanced Sparkling White; Optic White Advanced Icy Fresh; Optic White Stain Fighter Clean Mint Paste; Optic White Advanced Oxygenating White; Optic White with Charcoal; Optic White Stain Fighter Fresh Mint Gel; Revitalizing White with Activated Charcoal; Sensitive Whitening with Fresh Mint; Total Whitening Paste; Total Whitening Gel; Total Clean Mint; Total Fresh Mint Stripe; Sensitive Mint Clean; Sensitive Prevent & Repair; Cavity Protection Great Regular Flavor; Baking Soda & Peroxide Brisk Mint; Triple Action Original Mint; and Baking Soda Sparkling White Mint Zing.

Whew! And that doesn’t include the kids’ options, though it includes a strangely large variety of mint flavors. It’s a lot to take in. And yet, somehow I manage to make it home with toothpaste (The original Cavity Protection Great Regular Flavor is good enough for me.), and I don’t marinate on the toothpaste choices that I left behind.

Dating and The Paradox of Choice

The stakes of choosing a right romantic partner are certainly higher than choosing toothpaste, and the options that come with internet dating are much more vast.

It’s true that a person could become either paralyzed by the vast options offered by online dating or even addicted to the act of swiping through options, thus becoming stuck in the state of choosing and never really committing to a choice. Not choosing is a choice. But, if you want good dental hygiene, you choose a toothpaste, and if you want a relationship, then you recognize when you come across a right partner and you don’t blow your opportunity just because you have other options. As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

Regarding relationships, the trick is not to choose merely for the sake of choosing, but through the act of discernment, recognizing when you have found the kind of partner you’ve been looking for. Choosing well is about recognizing quality without expecting perfection (Don’t expect what you can’t offer). Once you do find right connection, then act on it–choose that person. If you’re lucky, they’ll choose you too. Don’t let the paradox of choice best you. Don’t be afraid to commit to quality just because there are other options. Be better. Break free from the confines of the paradox.

In my own experience, I’ve had connections where I felt that the men didn’t fully appreciate the preciousness of our connection, choosing the state of choosing over the choice of me (Often, this is because choosing me involves long distance.). On such occasions, I’ve felt it was a waste, but it was also their choice to not choose me.

My own not choosing a man goes back to the process of discerning right connection. If I haven’t chosen a man, it isn’t because I have other choices, it’s because something about the connection wasn’t right–he didn’t make me laugh; his conversation wasn’t stimulating enough; I didn’t feel any physical chemistry; I didn’t feel that he really saw me; he misrepresented himself; or he demonstrated a lack of giving grace.

And yet, every time time I get on a plane to go on a date, I’m actively making a choice that this man is worth the effort. In this moment, I choose him. And for now, he’s choosing me. With luck, one day I’ll find the man with whom I can stick that landing, locking in that choice. Who knows–maybe it could even be the man I’m on a plane to go see as I write this post.

Final Thoughts

As I see it, the real paradox of choice is that, as a dating platform user, you can opt for the suspended state of perpetual choosing, or you can make a choice when you find right connection (more on that in my next post). The choice is truly yours. What (or who) do you choose?

If you have a question that you’d like me to address, I’d love to hear from you. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Going All In