Science was hardly my strong suit in school, but even I’m familiar with Newton’s law of motion:

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.

This can just as easily apply to romantic scenarios as to the physical universe. If there’s no impetus to motion, the connection will falter and flag. Romance needs a kick-start, and that impetus is correlated to the level of interest.

Momentum has Different Speeds

Not all connections move forward at the same pace. All relationships are different, because each relationship is composed of two individuals creating a unique space that no one else shares. As a result, the pace of how those relationships are created can look different from one relationship to another.

I’ve had a relationship where we recognized our connection immediately and another where it took months to discern our level of interest. Think of it like the gears on a bike, you’re still moving forward but at different speeds. You and your potential mate get to mutually determine the pace that’s right for you.

That said, without enough Momentum, the bike will fall over, or to use another analogy, the connection will fizzle out, like firewood that never got a strong enough spark to start a fire.

Momentum and Discernment

Discernment is what I call the period when you’re discerning your level of interest in a potential match. During the Discernment phase, you want to engage enough to keep forward Momentum, while refraining from pushing forward a connection that doesn’t hold potential. So, how to balance Momentum with the need to discern?

Be intentional about actively using this discernment period as an information gathering stage. As you’re learning more about your potential match as an individual, pay attention to your level of compatibility, how they treat you, how you feel in their company, and any chemistry you have. This information can help you make informed decisions about how much Momentum to add, whether to back away, or whether to maintain your current pace.

Some considerations:

• How physically attracted are you? A little? And then some? Extremely? Can you imagine being physically intimate with them? Is the physical intimacy satisfying?
• How much are you enjoying the conversation? Is it so-so? Dull? Engaging?
• Do they stimulate you? Pique your interest? Make you laugh?
• Do you look forward to hearing from them? Are you eager to? Not so much?
• How do they treat you? Are they kind? Respectful? Condescending? Do you feel seen and heard?
• How do your interactions make you feel? Safe? Charmed? Energized? Anxious? Scrutinized?
• How are you feeling about the connection at this point? Indifferent? Unsure? Intrigued? Hopeful? Excited?

Unless you know you’re ready to write the connection off, maintain any Momentum you already have while you explore the connection’s viability. To do this, maintain regular contact, whether messaging on platform, texting, phone calls, or in person rendezous.

Without regular contact, Momentum diminishes. There’s not going to be a relationship spark when one or both parties aren’t interested enough to maintain regular contact. Do you want to settle for someone who’s either not interested enough in you or that you’re not interested enough in to make the effort for regular contact?

For me, regular contact is often the form of a daily check-in, whether responding to a message on platform, a text to check in and wish them a good day, or a good night phone call. More than that, usually means that we’re actively building Momentum and feeling connection. Less than that is a good indicator that I’m either not feeling the connection, or it lacks sufficient Momentum to go anywhere.

For Example:

Here are some recent examples of the role of Momentum in my interactions:

Infrequency Stalls Out Momentum

Jonas’s communications were terse, but interesting. I’d respond within a day, as is my habit; his responses took longer, typically 3-4 days. The conversation was engaging enough that I continued to communicate with him, though with a lag of 3-4 days in responses, there wasn’t much Momentum. As a result, I had no expectation of the connection leading anywhere. I finally let go of the conversation when he mistakenly addressed me as “Lisa.” If he couldn’t even bother to remember my name, it seemed like a good time to bow out. We never even made it off-platform.

Absence Does NOT Make the Heart Grow Fonder

When Gary messaged me after no contact for three months, any Momentum we had was long gone. His absence was a bucket of water on the firewood. I didn’t bother to respond.

Adjusting Momentum with Discernment

Gradually Increasing Momentum

Jay was more communicative than Jonas, responding at least once a day at length. Sometimes we’d even dialogue on platform in real time. We had some Momentum. I enjoyed our conversation and had a good sense of him. I decided to add further Momentum to explore the viability of our connection, and level up a gear. I gave him my phone number.

We maintained our communication Momentum via text, much as we had on platform. As our conversation continued to unfold in an encouraging way, I added further Momentum, suggesting we chat on the phone. Real time conversation would allow me to get a better sense of him and further discern the viability of our connection.

Had things continued to go well, my next move would’ve been to throw out the idea of planning a rendezvous, if he didn’t suggest it himself. Unfortunately, I learned an aspect of his situation that’s a dealbreaker for me, so I hit the brakes.

Jonas and I never had any Momentum to launch us, no fuel to spark a fire, regardless of any compatibility we may or may not have had. With Jay, I gradually added Momentum to fuel our connection, until the connection no longer made sense.

Of course, I’m not always the one who attempts to add Momentum to the connection. When a man tries to advance our Momentum, I must decide if I’m comfortable and desirous of leveling up, or if I need to back off.

Decreasing Momentum

Walter and I had a pleasant exchange of daily messages, but I wasn’t feeling the chemistry. When he suggested that we exchange phone numbers, I withheld my daily message. By breaking the Momentum of our communication, I was sending a silent message so he wouldn’t be completely blindsided when I came to a full stop. The next day, I did message him, wishing him well, but explaining that I wasn’t feeling the kind of chemistry I’m seeking in a romantic relationship.

Being Intentional About Momentum

Sometimes between two people, the sparks fly quickly and the Momentum comes naturally. But, when that isn’t the case, it’s helpful to be intentional about gauging the pace of your connection’s Momentum and whether it matches your discernment of its potential or lack thereof.

Facets of Momentum

When determining how to match your pace to your feelings about the connection, there are different facets of Momentum to consider:

• Response Time: How quickly or slowly you respond to a potential match communicates information about your level of interest. A quick response indicates you’re prioritizing them and glad to hear from them. A slower response indicates that you have some interest, but too slow and that kindling won’t ignite. Likewise, their response time gives you information about their level of interest.
• Frequency: How often you communicate impacts Momentum. If there’s a lag of days between messages, then it’s difficult to establish Momentum. If you have daily contact, you have sufficient Momentum which you can increase or decrease as you discern your level of interest. If you’re communicating multiple times a day, the Momentum is building…
• Form: The form your communication takes is also a reflection of Momentum and interest. If you’re still communicating on platform, you have less Momentum than once you move beyond the platform. Every time you move up a level of communication (platform, text, phone/video call, in person) you’re adding Momentum to the connection.
• Flirtation: Flirtation feeds the fire. The more flirtation your interaction has, the more Momentum you’re giving the connection. In turn, the less flirtatious the interaction, the less Momentum.

Each of these facets plays a role in establishing the Momentum of your relationships. Keep in mind that’s it’s easier to hold back or maintain Momentum, than it is to pull back once Momentum is pushed forward. Be intentional about aligning your actions to your discernment and feelings. Likewise, pay attention to the signals that a potential match is sending relative to Momentum.

Shifts in Momentum

If you notice a sudden shift in Momentum in your relationship, pay attention–it means something’s happening.

If the Momentum increases quickly, and you’re on board with that, then enjoy the ride!

However, if you notice the Momentum’s shifting down, it’s likely a signal that something is going on with your connection/partner. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, if there’s a shift in an established pattern of communication, there’s probably a reason, some Force that’s acting upon your established Momentum. It may or may not be an issue with you or the relationship itself. It could be work stress or a health/family/financial issue. Alternately, it could also be a sign of doubt or an affair. The point is to pay attention to it and address it.

It may be a situation where by being attentive you’re able to be a supportive partner and take care of your relationship, or it may be that your awareness prevents you from being blindsided and prepares you for an unpleasant truth. Either way, it’s better to be informed and have an awareness of your reality, even if it’s not the reality you want. Whatever your truth is, knowledge empowers you to take action matching your truth.

Final Thoughts

Be attentive to the Momentum in your connections and relationships. Have an awareness of Momentum so that you can act on that Momentum in a deliberate manner. Don’t allow your awareness to stray into paranoid territory, but rather use that awareness to read the situation, and take action as it makes sense to you.

May you find the right person to gear up with. Good luck out there!

• Relationship Values: On Being Seen (and Heard)
• Q & A: What is a Committed Relationship?
• Oh so Cliché…
• A Review of Dating Platforms: Hinge
• Manage Your Relationship Expectations: Further Down the Road

Up Next: Valentine’s Day–A Day for Lovers