communication

Don’t Assume (or: See People for Who They Are)

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As we go forth in the world, ideally we’re authentically putting the best versions of ourselves out there, or at least the best version that we can muster at any given time. In dating, being our best helps us attract better potential mates. In other relationships, it invites respect, appreciation, and grace. It also invites self-respect. As part of being your best you, I invite you to consider how important it is that we don’t assume things about people. Ideally, people won’t assume things about us either.

Admittedly, it is a HUGE pet peeve of mine when people falsely assume things about me. I’m forthright and authentic. I don’t play games, try to manipulate, or have ulterior motives. I’m an empath with strong communication skills. Because of these qualities, when someone assumes something different about me than what I intend, do, say, or am, I find it maddeningly frustrating.

Perhaps, that’s happened to you? Let’s be better than that on our end. By seeing people for who they truly are, we can engage with the world more authentically–with our eyes open.

What Making Assumptions Looks Like

I remember feeling frustrated in my marriage when my ex would assume untruths about me. Enough time has passed that I don’t remember specific incidents, but there was a common pattern–I’d do something with good intentions, and my ex would construct a completely different narrative and motivation for my actions. His explanation wouldn’t match my truth, but it would match the surface actions. And, instead of assuming the best motive for my behavior, he repeatedly chose to assume the worst about me. Again, it’s maddeningly frustrating when you’re trying to be your best, and someone chooses to assume the worst.

J

A couple of years ago, my friend J retired and toyed with the idea of moving to Maine. Years prior, I’d talked with a man who relocated to Maine after his divorce but was miserable there, finding it cold, dark, and tribal. I thought this worth mentioning to J for him to factor in to his decision making.

When I expressed this to J, he responded, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.”

This took me aback. Now, that potentially matched my words and actions if I was trying to be selfish and manipulative, but it was not my truth. And it was deeply disturbing to have my friend of a quarter of a century assume the worst motive for my behavior rather than my true intention, of simply offering him a think-about when making his decision.

R

I was spending a long weekend with R when the first assassination attempt on Trump happened. Though our politics largely align, he’s British, and the drama of the attempt brought out all the things he dislikes about America and Americans–gun violence; divisive politics; loud obnoxious behavior; etc. And with this, he reduced me from a multi-dimensional individual to a one-dimensional cliché. Americans are loud; I’m American, therefore, ipso facto, I must be loud.

At one point over dinner, he verbally attacked me. We were discussing women in Iran and headscarves, when he cut me off and shot me down, firing, “Have you been to Iran? Do you know any Iranian women? If not, you have no right to talk about women in Iran.”

My point was that a woman should have the right to choose or reject the headscarf. He didn’t even hear what I was trying to say, declaring that I had no right to say it. Ironically, he did what the Iranian regime did–denying the voice of woman.

The very next night, the topic came up again and it was clear that he misunderstood what I tried to say (because he didn’t listen). When I clarified what I’d been trying to say, he gave himself a little slap on the back of his hand. Such a charmer.

The Youtube Comment

One of my videos on the importance of representing yourself Authentically received the following comment:

What motivated this video?
Let me guess you rejected a bunch of ugly dudes and then got upset that the handsome man you chose was an ugly dude who catfished you.

The comment’s author doesn’t know me, nor my story. Note the use of the phrase, “Let me guess…,” an admission of not knowing, but of assuming.

As an Academic Interventionist, I work with students who are struggling to learn to read. One of the most basic things I teach them is not to guess, to break them of the habit of impulsivity. I teach them to slow down and use information (in the case of reading this is things like letters and words) and strategies to find the right answer. I do metacognition with students as young as five. Surely, as adults we can be better than guessing. Even my Kindergarteners know that guessing isn’t going to get you the right answer. If so, 2+2 could equal 5.

Jack Ashe’s Ilk (or: You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know)

You don’t know what you don’t know about people. Before I met R, I spent hours on the phone with him. I had no reason to think he was an asshole, and yet that’s what I was confronted with on our weekend together.

So far, all our examples are of people making negative assumptions, but beware of making positive assumptions about people as well. Trust and respect are earned over time with words and actions. Don’t give either away too easily. I learned this lesson long ago.

Jack Ashe was to all appearances a successful businesman. That’s certainly how he presented himself. And wouldn’t it be great if everyone represented themselves authentically? But, as those of who’ve spent any time on a dating platlform know, that’s often not the case. And so it was with Jack Ashe.

There were some odd things about Jack Ashe that didn’t add up–If he was a successful businessman, why didn’t he have a more visible digital footprint? His name sounded kind of funny too. When my suspicions grew, I did a deep digital dive and discovered he’d lied about his name, among other things. There was also that video of a local investigative reporter doing a story about him scamming people.

The takeaway? Don’t assume someone is good, kind, or even who they say they are. Discern the truth of who people are with information, time, and observation.

Seeing People for Who They Are

People are always giving us information about who they are, and it’s up to us to use that information to see them clearly. They give us information in the form of words and actions. Sometimes they represent themselves accurately; sometimes they don’t. It’s up to us to notice if their words and actions don’t match–that’s problematic, but that’s information too.

If someone doesn’t say much, that’s also information. Perhaps they’re quiet, reflective, don’t know what to say, have something to hide, or are guarded about giving out information too readily–all very different potential reasons for the same behavior. It’s up to you to to learn them and see them better with further observation, should you choose to do so.

Before Going on a Date, Do an Online Search

In a dating scenario, it’s a good idea to gather your own infomation to match it against who they say they are before meeting up with them. Do an internet search as a background check on potential dates to see if the online information about them matches how they represent themselves.

If there isn’t much information about them online that’s an orange flag–something to pay attention to. There could be a very innocuous reason such as they have a common name or share a name with a famous person. If that’s plausible, try finding them on social media or through their professional website.

Alternatively, if you’re really having trouble finding anything about them, it could mean they have something to hide–such as in the case of Jack Ashe. It’s up to you to gather enough information to discern more clearly.

Observe and Listen

Pay attention to the information people are giving you with their words and actions. Carefully attend to what they do and say. Make sure that their words and actions match.

Observe their behavior. Even early on, you can learn a lot from watching someone’s behavior. Are they giving you their focus? Are they distracted by their phone? Do they give the attractive person who walks by the table the lookover right in front of you? Is their body language open or closed-off? Their behavior gives you a lot of information.

Practice being a good listener, giving them ample time to communicate. Keep up your end of the conversation, but don’t interrupt or talk over people. Instead, be careful to let them finish before you respond. If R had done this, he wouldn’t have had to slap himself on the back of the hand the next day. Not that he cared.

Ask, Don’t Tell

My friend J thought I had an ulterior motive for telling him about the guy who was miserable living in Maine. He said, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.” He told me my intentions–he didn’t ask; he told. And he was wrong. He failed to see me.

If you want to know, Ask.

I’ve known Chris for several years. Much of the time that I’ve known him, he’s been in a relationship. One night, he came over for drinks, and he wasn’t seeing anyone. We started talking about dating and relationships, and I inquired, “You’re a relationship guy, aren’t you? A lot of the information I knew about him over time indicated that he was a relationship guy (preferring to be in a relationship than not), but rather than saying it as a statement, I posed it as a question. By framing it as a question, I was giving him the opportunity to correct and clarify his point of view, in case I was getting it wrong.

Recognize that There can be Different Explanations for the Same Behavior

Sometimes someone’s behavior and words make their intentions clear, like when R verbally attacked me. There was no nuance, he was quite clearly being an asshole. But often, there can be more than one explanation to match someone’s words/behavior, such as the mismatch between J’s assumption about my motivation and my true intent. For this reason, be careful not to jump to conclusions about someone’s motivations when there might be an alternative explanation for their words and behavior. Don’t be quick to assume the worst about someone. Again, if you’re not sure, Ask.

Discern Over Time

The longer you know someone, the better you can discern them. You’ll continue to learn more information about them, which helps you see who they are with more clarity, but it’s up to you to develop that picture in focus. Despite knowing me for a quarter of a century, something obscured J’s vision about me.

When Someone Assumes Something About You

The more authentic and forthright you are, the less likely people are to assume things erroneously. Yet, despite your best efforts to communicate authentically and clearly who you are, someone, someday, will likely assume an untruth about you. So, how to handle the situation when that happens?

Call Them Out…

If someone assumes something erroneous about you, it’s fair game to call them out. Do so civilly, but assertively. If they’re getting it wrong, you’re entitled to correct them. However, that correction doesn’t mean that you need to prove anything. Don’t let their misassumptions put you on the defense. Correct them, and leave it at that. It’s their choice whether or not they care to see you with accuracy or be blind to who you are. And if they choose the latter, that gives you more information about the kind of person they are.

…or Leave Them in the Dark

If it’s not worth it or that important to correct, you can choose to leave them in the dark. That leaves you with the secret knowledge of your truth, while they remain misinformed because of their own assumptions. I’ve done that with Isaac in the past when he underestimated me, and I didn’t feel the need to prove anything to him. To his credit, he’s learned me better over the years by paying attention.

Final Thoughts

By making the effort to pay attention to the information people are giving you through their words and actions, you’re doing the work of trying to see people authentically. This not only honors others, but it allows you to go forth in the world with your eyes open, seeing the fuller reality.

As you go forth witnessing people for who they truly are, remember that no one has the right to tell you your truth. That belongs to you. It’s up to you to do your best to communicate your truth with your words and actions, but no one gets to tell you who you are–you’re the only person who gets to determine that. Do so thoughtfully.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Oh so Cliché…

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By their very definition, clichés are a prevalent part of social exchanges. They’ve been overused to the point of triteness, yet people continue to use them–because they’re convenient and familiar. Clichés may even provide a false sense of wisdom to the speaker due to their cultural ubiquitousness, potentially endowing them with a sense of truth or gravitas that often goes unquestioned.

If you don’t already, I encourage you to question clichés.

The Problem with Clichés

Clichés are lazy and unoriginal thinking. They’re stereotypical generalizations and overused sayings that people either say without really thinking about what they’re saying or say because their own thinking is narrow and limited. Clichés are a linguistic crutch that people rely on so they don’t have to strain their brain to express themselves. By relying on clichés, people aren’t exercising their intellect.

I used to work with a woman who was very kind, but she was also a very limited thinker. Her conversation was sprinkled with clichés, and she regularly began a story with, “Long story short…” Well, as a storyteller, if it’s a long-form story, then tell it long! Good storytelling requires proper format. If it’s a long story, by telling it short, you’re leaving out plot development and rushing to the denouement.

Clichés can also be reductive, reducing people to a stereotype. Labels help us understand our world and talk about it. If I say “house,” you can get a picture in your head and understand what I’m referring to. But people are more than labels, and often groups of people are given labels that are steeped in prejudice. When those labels become associated with a group of people long enough, the prejudice becomes entrenched.

Brad’s Friend

Brad told me about a friend of his who thinks women are crazy. Well, that’s certainly a narrow-minded point of view. Of course, there are women who are “crazy” but to assume that of all women is to overgeneralize, stereoptype, and be reductionist. It’s easier for his friend to assume this of all women, because then he doesn’t have to do the work of discernment to distinguish the nuances and subtleties of personality. By doing so, he’s also putting himself above women, a mysoginistic move.

My response to Brad was that obviously that’s not true, but if his friend really thought so based on his experience, then perhaps his friend is drawn to women who are a little crazy. “Crazy” can have a certain energy and excitement about it. I posited to Brad that if his friend wants to be with a woman who isn’t crazy, then he needs to be more discerning in who he chooses to date. Further, it’s easier for Brad’s friend to blame women by stereotyping them, rather than to look to his own behavior and faults.

George Carlin has his own take on the trope: “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

Of course, not all men are stupid. Except maybe the ones who think women are crazy…

Nic

A companion to the crazy woman trope, is the “drama queen” trope. Now, there are certainly dramatic women, but it’s hardly a quality exclusive to women, yet when have you ever heard a man referred to as a “drama king”?

Personally, I despise drama. Enough so, that I mention it in my dating profile. There was a time when I played the role of social diplomat, but eventually I tired of having to negotiate everyone else’s drama. Now, rather than tiptoe around or try to rationalize with drama, I call drama out. In my relationship history, the men who I’ve been involved with were the primary source of any drama.

Nic lives in New Hampshire. We connected during the pandemic. A few days after connecting he said, “Marry me,” and talked about buying an RV to safely come visit me (money not being an issue for him). I suggested we take more time to get to know each other first.

Months later, with the pandemic continuing to rage, we still hadn’t got together. I floated the idea that we both drive, meet midway, and stay at an Airbnb in the countryside. He, as a doctor, didn’t think that was safe, and instead of simply stating his point of view, he attacked me with a misogynist label, calling me “crazy” for even floating such an idea.

When I said that my idea was perfectly rational, even if he didn’t agree with it, he replied, “Drama, drama, drama…,” which, ironically, was more dramatic than anything I said during our discussion. Furthering the irony, is the crazy drama of his gesture to buy an RV and drive cross country to meet me within days of connecting. Nic, of course, failed to see his own drama and crazy.

Clichés limit thinking. They’re thoughtless, thought-less, said without thought. Nic’s reliance on a cliché limited his vision and ability to see the reality of the situation–that I was behaving more rationally, whether he agreed with me or not.

Breaking Down Some Clichés

Let’s examine some other clichés and how they’re narrow in thinking. Here are a few of my not-favorites:

  • “Looking for a partner in crime.” This one is common on dating profiles. I assume that the people who post this on their profile are genuinely looking for a romantic partner. And, while I realize that a partner in crime isn’t the literal intention, how about people think about what they really want in a romantic partner and say that instead? After all, Bonnie and Clyde’s romance didn’t end so well.
  • “I’m a glass half full kind of person.” This is another common one on profiles. It’s so binary and simplistic. People like binary thinking because it’s easy, but life isn’t easy, it’s complicated. The truth is that if the glass is half full, then it’s also half empty and to ignore that is to ignore the full reality. And what if the glass is overflowing? Or almost empty? What is the glass filled with? And what if there’s no glass at all? What is the person who says this really trying to communicate? That they’re optimistic? That they have a sunny disposition? That they try to find the good, even in a bad siutation? Then say that.
  • “Everything happens for a reason.” Try telling that to my cousin whose five year old daughter died a year and a half ago. This saying is simply for the purpose of making the speaker feel better, like they have something worth saying. Sometimes there’s nothing to say to salve a situation, and it’s okay to acknowledge that and sit with the discomfort that life can be a bitch.
  • “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” Yeah, well if that was true, suicide wouldn’t be a thing, would it?
  • “Outside of the box” This one is ironic–a cliché for original thinking! Instead of “outside of the box,” how about getting rid of the box altogether?

Question Clichés

Clichés are so ubiquitous that people often don’t really think about them or their own true meaning and intent. When you hear a cliché, I challenge you to question it. That doesn’t mean you have to confront the speaker, simply question the cliché.

You can question clichés by thoughtfully engaging with them. What does it really mean? Is that actually true or helpful to the situation? Think beyond the cliché.

For instance, have you ever noticed that when people say “I’m so over it,” they often aren’t? “Over it” implies an emotional letting go that many people who say it lack. I caught myself saying this at my therapist’s once about a situation which I was tired of, but clearly not emotionally beyond.

I could say, “I’m so over clichés,” but obviously I’m not, because though I dislike them, I’m stirred up enough about them to write a blog post. While I might not care for clichés, I’m not dispassionate about them. “I’m so over it” often really means someone is frustrated with a situation, but not necessarily beyond it.

You

To move beyonds clichés, begin by noticing them. If you catch yourself in a cliché or overhear one, engage with it and break it down. Take it from something said without thought to something you’re actively thinking about. What are you really thinking or feeling? Say that instead. And if you really don’t know what to say, it’s okay to say that. It’s better than saying something thought-less.

When looking at dating profiles or going on dates, be attuned to whether potential matches overly rely on clichés to express themself. It may or may not be a turn-off for you, but if you pay attention to it, you’re bringing a heightened-awareness to your communication and interactions.

Final Thoughts

I encourage you to be better than clichés, to go forth in your life thoughtfully and full of thought, rather than without. Question, think, care.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Q & A–What is a Committed Relationship?

Looking at Dating Profiles: Communication Clues

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Online dating is very much the norm these days, and to that end, anyone who’s serious about finding romantic relationship should take their online dating profile seriously. A dating profile is akin to a professional resume–both are about finding the right fit and involve marketing oneself well. When looking at dating profiles, frame it as looking at someone’s romantic resume and use that information purposefully to determine whether they’re worth further consideration.

In my last post, I outlined some look-fors to help determine potential compatibility. Here, we’ll look at what someone’s communication style reveals about them. Someone’s communication style can clue you in on their personality, and if someone provides an ample summary, it should allow you to discern a little about who they are.

A Conversational Tone

The best profile summaries come off as conversational in tone, as if the person is talking to you, not at you. Instead of just telling you things about themself, such a summary acts as an invitation to further conversation, and often leaves you curious to know more.

Years ago, Stanley’s profile left me feeling that way. He talked about himself and his interests, then ended his summary with, “And what about you?” It made me feel like he wasn’t just talking at me, but that he wanted to get to know me. We ended up dating for four years.

A profile that invites conversation is a sign that the person isn’t just selling themself, but considering you, and minus any red flags or major turnoffs, may be worth further consideration.

Who You Are vs. Who They Seek

Do they try to tell you who you are rather than tell you who and what they seek? These profiles usually say, quite literally, “You are….” Telling you who you are is a misguided attempt on their part to make you feel like they’re talking right to you and to give a sense of intimacy. In Stanley’s example, he didn’t tell me who I am, he asked who I am.

It’s okay for someone to have a sense of who they seek, but when someone goes on and on about the qualities that YOU are, they’re really kind of boxing you in as a person. You either fit in the box they provide or you don’t fit in their box from the get go. Personally, I find this a little off-putting. Let me be who I am, and wouldn’t they be lucky for the opportunity to learn me as a person?

More on Tone

The tone in which someone says something can be telling. Pay attention to whether someone’s summary reads in a particular kind of tone. If so, what kind of tone are they giving off? Is it warm? Inviting? Kind? Fun? Tongue-in-cheek? Aloof? Sarcastic? Smug?

What can you infer about the kind of person they are based on their tone? Is it a welcome tone, an off-putting tone, or a neutral tone?

Also consider whether they come off as either defensive or offensive. It’s easy to get jaded with online dating, but potential matches shouldn’t be taking it out on you–you haven’t done anything to them yet! If they’re putting a negative energy out from the get-go, then best to get going.

Voice

Do they have a unique voice or does their profile read like so many others? Some people just spit out facts about themselves: where they grew up; where they’ve lived; how many siblings/children they have; what their job is. Our lives are more than an accumulation of what we’ve done and where we’ve lived. Do they tell you only the facts or do they narrate their story with voice?

Humor

Do they tell jokes? If so, are the jokes canned or original? Are they sarcastic? Self-deprecating? Actually funny or not really? A person’s sense of humor can be either a turn-on or a turn-off depending on if it strikes your funny bone or misses.

Gimmicks vs. Creativity

Is their summary gimmicky? Creative? A gimmicky summary might be an attempt at originality, but gimmicks don’t always have a successful execution, particularly if someone is overly married to the gimmick. A truly creative personality isn’t confined by a gimmick, because they can communicate their uniqueness without a crutch.

CAPS, Emoji Speak, and LOL

Excessive use of CAPS, emoji speak, and lol (and similar social acronyms) gives off a very casual and unoriginal vibe, someone who trends on normal rather than someone who’s insightful and original. Overuse of CAPs can also feel like someone is yelling at you or doesn’t know how to tone it down. If that doesn’t bother you, then great, but if that’s a turnoff, then keep moving.

The False Apology

Are they falsely apologetic along the lines of, “Sorry no shitless pics, bathroom selfies, or fish photos…”? While it’s great that they don’t succumb to the non-obligatory photos that are oh-so cliché, the need to draw your attention to it in a sarcastic way is unnecessary. They still haven’t completely broken free from the cliché.

Clichés

Speaking of clichés, do they speak in clichés? Do they say things like, “Looking for a partner in crime…”? Maybe that’s a non-issue for you, but clichés are a sign of unoriginal, limited, and lazy thinking. By relying on clichés, a person is using words that other people have said over and over again rather than attempting to formulate and express their own thoughts and feelings. And if they’re actually looking for a partner in crime, are you interested in jail time?

Disclaimers

Do they have a disclaimer such as “Please read with the humor intended…” or “Not meant to insult”? If they have a disclaimer, then maybe they shouldn’t have posted the content they can’t lay claim to?

Disingenuousness

Are they disingenuous? I’ve seen both “JUST RELEASED FROM PRISON,” and “I live with my Mother. I am a near (sic) do well and con artist. I like to kick puppies, trip old ladies and make children cry…” The latter example continued at length. If they aren’t showing you who they really are, and they’re doing it in a very unfunny way, that’s two marks against them out of the gate.

Complaining

Do they complain? Worse, do they complain about their dating pool? A male example: “Trying to find a good woman is like tryin (sic) to nail Jello to a tree”.

A female example: “I constantly hear about how men expect the women they date to look like their photos and end up being disappointed upon meeting!!! I can assure y’all I look like mine! The question is…DO YOU LOOK LIKE YOURS?…” It continues, but you get the idea.

Dating is hard. Most of us have to deal with a fair amount of frustration and heartbreak along the way. However, taking that frustration and hurt out on people among whom they seek a potential mate is unproductive and shows poor coping skills. No bueno.

Final Thoughts

A proper dating profile summary provides ample information to help discern whether you might be compatible with someone. How a person communicates their information and who they are can be as telling as the information they provide. Be attuned to a person’s communication style so you can make an informed choice on whether or not they might be a good potential match.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might also appreciate it. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Discerning Authenticity

Q & A: Intimacy without Commitment

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A Reader recently sent me the following question:

This one is less practical query, more subjective musing…. I think your readers would be interested in an honest exploration from you of the role of NON-long-term, non-committed intimacy in dating.

While I’m sure that most, if not all, of us are genuinely looking for the last/best relationship of a lifetime, I feel like for people in my age group, there’s also room for, and value in, the “in-between” —  intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness) without the expectation of it lasting forever.

There have been a few times in my experience when communication about such things has been good enough that it’s possible to navigate this with nobody getting terribly hurt. Though the chance for an imbalance in expectations is always there.

I know this is a loaded issue, and that male / female perspectives may be very different (or not as different as i think a lot of people assume). Anyway I’d be really interested in hearing you wax philosophical about this from your perspective as a woman with significant dating experience.

To begin with, I think the Reader is spot on in his thinking and musing. I agree that most of us ultimately do hope to find, “the last/best relationship of a lifetime.” But if that isn’t happening (yet), what about other relationship options? Let’s consider…

Terminology

While the type of relationship the Reader is describing sounds like Friend with Benefits, I personally dislike that terminology. FWB connotes a casual relationship–a friend who you hook-up with sometimes. Also, as someone from a certain age group, it feels sophomoric, and it doesn’t seem to adequately match the quality of relationship the Reader describes.

The Reader describes a relationship of, intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness) without the expectation of it lasting forever. Intimacy, friendship, and emotional closeness to me indicate more than simply a friendship with a sex add-on. On the spectrum of relationship, it seems to lie beyond FWB, but stops short of a last/best relationship.

As an English major, I appreciate the nuance of words and like them to suit the situation. So, what terminology best fits?

  • Situationship? Maybe. That signifies an undefined relationship, but I agree with our Reader, that communication in this scenario is important. Yet much like FWB, I find this term sophomoric as well.
  • Lover? This achieves the sense of intimacy, but it’s a broad term that doesn’t address commitment or lack thereof.
  • A fling? That connotes a brief love affair, as well as a casting off–the latter, not so flattering an association.
  • A flirtation? Perhaps better, it indicates being amorous without serious intent. Yet that seems to fall short of the intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness), that our Reader describes.

For our purposes here, let’s refer to this type of relationship as an “Interlude.” This term signifies both the “in-between-ness” that Our Reader mentions, and it also suggests something with a beginning and an end. It’s a more sophisticated term acknowledging that such a relationship may not be a committed relationship, but a more (amore?) refined term to denote the Reader’s desire for emotional connection and intimacy, as well as physical intimacy.

As for its lack of permanence, an Interlude serves as a type of relationship to fill an emotional and physical romantic space in the meantime, on the way to the last/best relationship most of us seek.

Know Yourself

When considering whether to have an Interlude, begin with from a place of self-scrutiny. Our Reader sounds very comfortable with such an arrangement, but not everyone would be. Be aware of your limits and what you can be comfortable with.

Myself, while I’ve had such connections in my journey, I generally find this a difficult space to inhabit. I tend to only be sexually aroused by men who I feel strong emotional connection with. If I don’t feel the emotional-sexual connection, then I’m probably not interested in pursuing more. And, if I do feel a strong emotional connection with a man, then I tend to want more from the relationship, not limitations in time or level of commitment.

When such a man imposes limitations on what we can be, I find maneuvering that space challenging. And frankly, I don’t appreciate being “good enough” for an Interlude but not worthy of being considered relationship material.

The Reader asks for a female perspective. While I hardly speak for all women, I think this is a common point of view for many women. That said, just as a man might be looking for a certain kind of companionship while seeking for his last/best relationship, there are certainly women who’ll be open to considering anInterlude as well. And, though it’s not a preferred place for me to dwell, I’ve visited it. I’ve had phases in my life where I’ve been more or less willing to get involved in such relationships, depending on how I’m feeling at the time.

This is where I think it’s important to know yourself and what you can handle. Can you handle that level of emotional and physical intimacy, yet still maintain a healthy emotional remove and work within the limits of an Interlude?

Also consider, Who can you handle such a relationship with and still find satisfaction in the Connection? There are some men who I can’t handle such a relationship with, and yet there’s a man who I’ve managed to maintain such an intermittent flirtation with across the years. We have emotional connection, friendship, and strong physical attraction, yet we’ve never manifested as a committed relationship.

In determining whether or not this might suit you, consider specific past connections that never quite got off the ground. Think of how you felt with each person and whether you could’ve emotionally handled that level of emotional and physical intimacy with imposed limits.

Or, if you’ve had a Romantic Interlude before, reflect back on whether or not that worked for you. Was it emotionally messy? Did it provide welcome companionship?

Consider any current relationships you have where you feel connected, but there doesn’t seem to be relationship momentum. Zoom out and examine your thoughts and feelings. Does a Romantic Interlude feel like an attractive option? Or does it feel emotionally dangerous?

Consider the Other Person

Our Reader has good impulses. He states, “There have been a few times in my experience when communication about such things has been good enough that it’s possible to navigate this with nobody getting terribly hurt.“

When pursuing a Romantic Interlude, it’s key to consider not only whether you’re emotionally comfortable in this space, but is the other person? If you care enough about someone to wander down the road of both physical AND emotional intimacy, then you probably care enough about their well-being that you don’t want them to get hurt.

The best way to discern whether the other person can handle such an arrangement would be, as our Reader says, good communication. Such communication would need to clearly express what your limits are and ensuring that they’re comfortable with those limits.

It’s also worth considering, based on your knowledge of the person, your own perception of whether or not you think they could handle an Interlude without being terribly hurt. If you sense that they couldn’t, then perhaps it’s best to not broach the topic at all. Rather, enjoy the relationship for what it already is without pushing at its limits.

Pay Attention to the Signage

As your Interlude plays out, pay attention to the signals that you’re receiving from your companion, both verbal and silent. Do they seem comfortable and relaxed? Do they seem wistful? Do you sense they’re pushing for more? Alternatively, are they pulling away?

Also, zoom out and examine your own feelings about the Connection. Is the Connection satisfying in the way you’d hoped? Do you have concerns or misgivings?

If no particular concerns arise, then enjoy and savor it for what it is while it lasts. But remember, by the very nature of it being NON-long-term, non-committed, it will probably play out at some point. Pay attention to the signage so you’re aware when the Interlude has reached its coda.

On the contrary, if you sense that maybe the Connection is worth exploring in a more committed long-term capacity, pay attention to whether you’re getting any signaling from your companion that they may or may not be feeling the same. Again, as our Reader stated, communication will be crucial to ensure that both you and your companion are on the same page about the limits of the connection or expanding its potential.

By paying attention to the signage you’re getting, both from own your feelings and perceptions, as well as any signals or communication from your Connection, you’ll have a good sense of when it may be time to shift gears or whether it makes sense to maintain your course.

Final Thoughts

While the focus of this post is on Romantic Interludes, ultimately, I hope you find your last/best relationship of a lifetime. I do love the way our Reader worded that. In the meantime, enjoy any Interlude(s) and maneuver them carefully. Good luck out there!

Should You have any questions, please post them in the comments below or send them via my Contact page.

The Role of Momentum

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Science was hardly my strong suit in school, but even I’m familiar with Newton’s law of motion:

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.

This can just as easily apply to romantic scenarios as to the physical universe. If there’s no impetus to motion, the connection will falter and flag. Romance needs a kick-start, and that impetus is correlated to the level of interest.

Momentum has Different Speeds

Not all connections move forward at the same pace. All relationships are different, because each relationship is composed of two individuals creating a unique space that no one else shares. As a result, the pace of how those relationships are created can look different from one relationship to another.

I’ve had a relationship where we recognized our connection immediately and another where it took months to discern our level of interest. Think of it like the gears on a bike, you’re still moving forward but at different speeds. You and your potential mate get to mutually determine the pace that’s right for you.

That said, without enough Momentum, the bike will fall over, or to use another analogy, the connection will fizzle out, like firewood that never got a strong enough spark to start a fire.

Momentum and Discernment

Discernment is what I call the period when you’re discerning your level of interest in a potential match. During the Discernment phase, you want to engage enough to keep forward Momentum, while refraining from pushing forward a connection that doesn’t hold potential. So, how to balance Momentum with the need to discern?

Be intentional about actively using this discernment period as an information gathering stage. As you’re learning more about your potential match as an individual, pay attention to your level of compatibility, how they treat you, how you feel in their company, and any chemistry you have. This information can help you make informed decisions about how much Momentum to add, whether to back away, or whether to maintain your current pace.

Some considerations:

  • How physically attracted are you? A little? And then some? Extremely? Can you imagine being physically intimate with them? Is the physical intimacy satisfying?
  • How much are you enjoying the conversation? Is it so-so? Dull? Engaging?
  • Do they stimulate you? Pique your interest? Make you laugh?
  • Do you look forward to hearing from them? Are you eager to? Not so much?
  • How do they treat you? Are they kind? Respectful? Condescending? Do you feel seen and heard?
  • How do your interactions make you feel? Safe? Charmed? Energized? Anxious? Scrutinized?
  • How are you feeling about the connection at this point? Indifferent? Unsure? Intrigued? Hopeful? Excited?

Unless you know you’re ready to write the connection off, maintain any Momentum you already have while you explore the connection’s viability. To do this, maintain regular contact, whether messaging on platform, texting, phone calls, or in person rendezous.

Without regular contact, Momentum diminishes. There’s not going to be a relationship spark when one or both parties aren’t interested enough to maintain regular contact. Do you want to settle for someone who’s either not interested enough in you or that you’re not interested enough in to make the effort for regular contact?

For me, regular contact is often the form of a daily check-in, whether responding to a message on platform, a text to check in and wish them a good day, or a good night phone call. More than that, usually means that we’re actively building Momentum and feeling connection. Less than that is a good indicator that I’m either not feeling the connection, or it lacks sufficient Momentum to go anywhere.

For Example:

Here are some recent examples of the role of Momentum in my interactions:

Infrequency Stalls Out Momentum

Jonas’s communications were terse, but interesting. I’d respond within a day, as is my habit; his responses took longer, typically 3-4 days. The conversation was engaging enough that I continued to communicate with him, though with a lag of 3-4 days in responses, there wasn’t much Momentum. As a result, I had no expectation of the connection leading anywhere. I finally let go of the conversation when he mistakenly addressed me as “Lisa.” If he couldn’t even bother to remember my name, it seemed like a good time to bow out. We never even made it off-platform.

Absence Does NOT Make the Heart Grow Fonder

When Gary messaged me after no contact for three months, any Momentum we had was long gone. His absence was a bucket of water on the firewood. I didn’t bother to respond.

Adjusting Momentum with Discernment

Gradually Increasing Momentum

Jay was more communicative than Jonas, responding at least once a day at length. Sometimes we’d even dialogue on platform in real time. We had some Momentum. I enjoyed our conversation and had a good sense of him. I decided to add further Momentum to explore the viability of our connection, and level up a gear. I gave him my phone number.

We maintained our communication Momentum via text, much as we had on platform. As our conversation continued to unfold in an encouraging way, I added further Momentum, suggesting we chat on the phone. Real time conversation would allow me to get a better sense of him and further discern the viability of our connection.

Had things continued to go well, my next move would’ve been to throw out the idea of planning a rendezvous, if he didn’t suggest it himself. Unfortunately, I learned an aspect of his situation that’s a dealbreaker for me, so I hit the brakes.

Jonas and I never had any Momentum to launch us, no fuel to spark a fire, regardless of any compatibility we may or may not have had. With Jay, I gradually added Momentum to fuel our connection, until the connection no longer made sense.

Of course, I’m not always the one who attempts to add Momentum to the connection. When a man tries to advance our Momentum, I must decide if I’m comfortable and desirous of leveling up, or if I need to back off.

Decreasing Momentum

Walter and I had a pleasant exchange of daily messages, but I wasn’t feeling the chemistry. When he suggested that we exchange phone numbers, I withheld my daily message. By breaking the Momentum of our communication, I was sending a silent message so he wouldn’t be completely blindsided when I came to a full stop. The next day, I did message him, wishing him well, but explaining that I wasn’t feeling the kind of chemistry I’m seeking in a romantic relationship.

Being Intentional About Momentum

Sometimes between two people, the sparks fly quickly and the Momentum comes naturally. But, when that isn’t the case, it’s helpful to be intentional about gauging the pace of your connection’s Momentum and whether it matches your discernment of its potential or lack thereof.

Facets of Momentum

When determining how to match your pace to your feelings about the connection, there are different facets of Momentum to consider:

  • Response Time: How quickly or slowly you respond to a potential match communicates information about your level of interest. A quick response indicates you’re prioritizing them and glad to hear from them. A slower response indicates that you have some interest, but too slow and that kindling won’t ignite. Likewise, their response time gives you information about their level of interest.
  • Frequency: How often you communicate impacts Momentum. If there’s a lag of days between messages, then it’s difficult to establish Momentum. If you have daily contact, you have sufficient Momentum which you can increase or decrease as you discern your level of interest. If you’re communicating multiple times a day, the Momentum is building…
  • Form: The form your communication takes is also a reflection of Momentum and interest. If you’re still communicating on platform, you have less Momentum than once you move beyond the platform. Every time you move up a level of communication (platform, text, phone/video call, in person) you’re adding Momentum to the connection.
  • Flirtation: Flirtation feeds the fire. The more flirtation your interaction has, the more Momentum you’re giving the connection. In turn, the less flirtatious the interaction, the less Momentum.

Each of these facets plays a role in establishing the Momentum of your relationships. Keep in mind that’s it’s easier to hold back or maintain Momentum, than it is to pull back once Momentum is pushed forward. Be intentional about aligning your actions to your discernment and feelings. Likewise, pay attention to the signals that a potential match is sending relative to Momentum.

Shifts in Momentum

If you notice a sudden shift in Momentum in your relationship, pay attention–it means something’s happening.

If the Momentum increases quickly, and you’re on board with that, then enjoy the ride!

However, if you notice the Momentum’s shifting down, it’s likely a signal that something is going on with your connection/partner. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, if there’s a shift in an established pattern of communication, there’s probably a reason, some Force that’s acting upon your established Momentum. It may or may not be an issue with you or the relationship itself. It could be work stress or a health/family/financial issue. Alternately, it could also be a sign of doubt or an affair. The point is to pay attention to it and address it.

It may be a situation where by being attentive you’re able to be a supportive partner and take care of your relationship, or it may be that your awareness prevents you from being blindsided and prepares you for an unpleasant truth. Either way, it’s better to be informed and have an awareness of your reality, even if it’s not the reality you want. Whatever your truth is, knowledge empowers you to take action matching your truth.

Final Thoughts

Be attentive to the Momentum in your connections and relationships. Have an awareness of Momentum so that you can act on that Momentum in a deliberate manner. Don’t allow your awareness to stray into paranoid territory, but rather use that awareness to read the situation, and take action as it makes sense to you.

May you find the right person to gear up with. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Valentine’s Day–A Day for Lovers

Getting to Boxless

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This blog was born out of a desire to unbox my writing. After working on my memoir for over three years—writing it, finishing it, revising it, receiving constructive feedback on it, and starting it again from a new point-of-view—I was uninspired. I had ideas, but lacked passion for the project which had driven me for so long. I needed space from it. I was tired of writing in a bubble. I wanted to write new things and I wanted to share my writing in a viable way. I wanted to get out of my box and I dared to hope for an audience. I was seeking connection and I wanted to be read.

I‘d already unboxed myself in so many other ways, such as the day I told my parents that I kicked my then-husband out of the house because he wanted to sell pot-vaporizers to help people and that I’d taken him to the psych ward days later because he was having delusions of grandeur coming off of a too-high high. At the time I thought, “If I can tell my parents this, I can tell anyone anything!” It was an empowering moment. I felt free. I didn’t have to hide my truths anymore. I didn’t have to pretend my marriage was something it wasn’t. I didn’t have to try to be something to please somebody else. I could just be me and try to be the best me possible and deal with the shit life threw me the best way I could and be honest about it.

Being a single working mom, I had to continually unbox myself. I had to take on new responsibilities. I had to learn to take care of my household alone. I had to make big decisions alone. I had to try to become handy, something very foreign to me. And with time I became self-reliant and independent. My potential was stretched to new extremes. I began a process of self-discovery, a re-discovery and a re-creation of self. My memoir is a record of that process.

A few months ago, I had the honor to be interviewed by Bruce Feiler, author of books such as Walking the Bible and Abraham. My copy of the latter contains underlined text, starred passages, and notes in the margin, so to find myself Skyping with Bruce Feiler for his current project, What Shape is Your Life? was a true privilege. And there I was, seeing him in live time with the intimate background of his home—he has lots of books of course!—talking with him like we were old friends who were getting reacquainted.

In the course of our conversation, Bruce and I discussed this unboxing and re-discovery of myself. I narrated the story of myself as a young woman in my early 20s, a woman on the cusp of her life but in the throes of despair, a woman whose self-esteem was in the trash, and how one day I swept all my graduate school applications into the trash as well, literally throwing my future away. I gave up. But no more. With my divorce, I had the chance to resurrect myself, to try again.

Bruce was intrigued by the idea that I turned back the pages of myself to an earlier time as part of my re-creation, that I wasn’t simply “starting a new chapter” of my life. And he’s right. At the core I am that same woman, but I’m older, wiser, and stronger. To move forward in my life, first I had to re-discover who I am and unbox myself.

Inevitably we discussed my memoir as it was such a vital part of my re-creation. He was encouraging regarding my manuscript, and coming from an author I admire that carried a lot of weight. I left our interview reinvigorated. It was time to return to my manuscript.

The original working title of my manuscript was inspired by the artist Frances Whitehead. When you visit her website, you’re immediately greeted by the word possibility. I love that. I read a document by her in which she poses the question, “What Do Artists Know?” Her answer is multi-faceted, but my favorite conclusion is, “Artists do not think outside the box—there is no box.” And what is a box, but a variation of a cage? I was determined to start living boxless and brave, with possibility, no longer afraid to follow my dreams.

This idea of living without a box embodied for me where I wanted my own life to be, it gave me something to strive for, and out of this came the original manuscript title—Getting to Boxless. My friend David S. wasn’t enthusiastic about the title however, gently suggesting that it was a bit contrived. After some reflection I had to agree. Nevertheless, the idea of living boxless remained a major impetus for me.

As I recently began to reread my manuscript rewrite, I was struck by how I’m repeating the patterns of my past. Patterns which I worked so hard to break free from. I read about pushing my feelings down in an effort to get along in my marriage and make it work, suppressing myself for my relationship, boxing myself in. Ultimately it didn’t work, and the disturbing part was the realization that I did it again.

My marriage ended eight years ago. The subsequent two years were devoted to stabilizing my life—making sure my children were okay, making sure I could pay the bills, hoping I could keep the house, restructuring routines, learning how to run a household alone, learning how to fix a clogged drain, and taking on everything because everything was now my responsibility. Dating wasn’t on my radar. I was lonely and craved love, craved relationship, but I was in survival mode. My life was a war zone, and I was responsible for keeping everyone safe.

After those first two years things settled down and I began dating. Coming off an unsuccessful marriage where I’d married the wrong man for the wrong reason, I was determined not to make the same mistakes. I learned a lot about dating, about men, and about myself during this time. This is when I wrote my manuscript. And finally, I met Stanley.

We were lovers for four years. The only man I was with longer is my ex-husband. And after all the lessons I learned from dating and reflecting on my marriage, I thought I’d chosen my lover carefully. Stanley is a good man, a loving man. He’s smart, funny, and attractive. And yet, somehow, I boxed myself up again and found myself in another toxic relationship. Somehow, I felt the need to push down my feelings to be loved and to make the relationship work.

Perhaps there was some part of me that was afraid that I was unlovable if I owned my truth. Other men I’d cared for had left. Stanley, like my ex, stayed. Perhaps also, it’s some female instinct, to swallow down your pain to make your man happy. And perhaps it’s even bigger than that—some social female-male dynamic where women instinctively nurture and deny themselves while men, even in the 21st century take for granted that it’s a man’s world.

Ideally, the work of a loving relationship should be fairly equitable over time. But I found that once again, I was in a relationship where I was putting in the bulk of the emotional work. I realized that to live true to myself, I bore the responsibility to stay unboxed. I chose to be heard and to live my life openly, and to that end, ultimately, I had to unbox myself from Stanley. He kept trying to push me back in the box. To free myself from the box, I had to free myself from him. Afterward, I asked my nineteen-year-old son what he thought about it. He astutely replied, “I like Stanley, but you shouldn’t have to stand up for yourself that much.”

So, for now, I continue to be single. I still look for, hope for, that lasting loving relationship that has so far eluded me. And while the men I’ve loved have to date all disappointed me in one way or another, I only need one man to get it right with and to do right by me. I keep looking for Him. The man who can see my expanses, love me, and who has expanses to open to me in turn. The man who expands my Universe rather than boxing me in. 

Communicate Clearly

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“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”  George Bernard Shaw

This is one of a series of lessons adapted from my manuscript about my dating experiences.

Lesson Learned:

In my marriage, I was never heard. I said words, but they weren’t really listened to. If I tried to express how I was feeling, my words were turned against me, “I’m not the one who does that, you are,” he’d say. If we had differing points-of-view, then by default I was a fool for disagreeing with him. He regularly presumed my intent and because he never really listened to me, he never truly knew me. So I gave up. I resigned myself to my relationship reality. I stopped caring about my relationship and learned to swallow down my feelings and my words in the interest of just getting along.

Our marriage coasted along for several years until my husband, on a manic high, woke me up late at night and told me he was going to sell pot-vaporizers to “help people.” I made my displeasure clear, and this was followed by two days of mutual silence, a silence finally cracked upon his arrival home from work Monday when he announced, “I almost quit my job today….”

This was a pivotal moment. My first thought was that the boys’ health insurance was through their father, quickly followed by how untenable this whole situation was as both a mother and a schoolteacher in a non-420 friendly state. He was not partnering with me at all. Able to swallow my words no longer, I found my voice and told him to leave.

Communication goes two ways and involves two different skill-sets—finding the right words to express what you’re trying to say as accurately as possible, and listening to and trying to understand the message the other person is trying to convey. In my marriage, communication was a one-way street eventually leading to a dead-end.

When I started dating, communication wasn’t a big issue initially. With each man I carefully shared what parts of myself I felt comfortable expressing. I was clear about the parts of me I chose to share, but equally careful with what parts of me I held back. It wasn’t until I went out with Isaac that I realized I needed to be more clear in my communication.

Isaac was a light-bulb moment. He was the man who made me realize, “Oh, this is the kind of man I want to date.” The problem was, he was a non-native species. I knew I wasn’t going to find another single man like him in Nebraska. Suddenly, the stakes were much higher. Simultaneously I was more interested and my attractive options had abruptly narrowed. I wanted this man to like me. With other men this hadn’t been much of an issue. And Isaac was a professional art critic—how would he critique me?

On our first date, he disclosed how busy he was with work and how he lacked balance in his life. I responded, “As a full-time professional and single mother…,” only he apologetically interjected, retracting his difficulties before I could complete my sentence. He assumed I was downplaying his schedule, or perhaps vying for the spot of who-has-it-worse. Rather, I explained, I was affirming his difficulty and that I understand how hard it can be to strike a good balance. I was being empathetic rather than dismissive or competitive. Here I took the time to clarify my meaning. And, ultimately he heard me. Something my ex had failed to do.

My dating profile at the time stated that I’m Christian. Over dinner Isaac inquired, “Do you really believe all that stuff?” Wanting to own my truth yet not ready to delve deeply into religion on a first date, thinking that discussion could be explored later if we had connection, I simply responded, “Yes.” Later, I realized this was a mistake—by saying little, I allowed him to assume much.

My answer had been truthful enough, but it lacked clarity.  Being “Christian” could mean anything from a fundamentalist, which I am not, to a spiritually-inclined intellectual, which I am. If the issue was important enough for Isaac to bring up on a first date, my skirting the issue because I didn’t want to deal with it yet wasn’t going to improve my odds with him.

Ultimately, he was either going to like me and be open to the possibility of relationship or he wasn’t. That I wanted him to like me wasn’t going to change anything, it just made my reality more difficult. Regardless, I needed to be clear on who I am, and pass or fail on that alone, because the truth is I’m a fairly marvelous being and I don’t want to just be accepted, I want to be appreciated.

Communicating in a relationship is intrinsically different than communicating in a dating situation. I dated Stanley for four years. I worked on saying what I needed to say. He worked on being a good listener. We both worked on trying to see each other’s point-of-view and speaking in love, not in anger. For whether or not anger is justified, it impedes communication and it’s a destructive force. Speaking in anger never helped me resolve anything, it only created new problems.

When I’ve said things in anger, I found that my argument wasn’t heard, even with additional volume, and that I ended up equally mad at myself for the way I handled the situation. I learned that when I’m upset, I need to take a step back and give myself time to calm down and reflect. I need that time to find the words I really want to say and the composure to say them in the way I want them to be said. I want to speak gently and with kindness even in disagreement, because ultimately I want my relationships to be about love. And I want love to be part of the problem-solving process.

With Stanley, there were also things I left unsaid. Things I didn’t say to protect Stanley, or to protect us. Thoughts and feelings that I was afraid would over-burden the relationship, even after four years together. Being afraid to speak your truth is problematic, because then you are living an untruth. His actions failed to match his words and ultimately, I didn’t trust him. I’d invested enough time in the relationship, in us, and I wasn’t going to wait around anymore. He’d had his chance and failed. Trust is another lesson. Matching words and actions is another yet.

The Lesson’s Essence:

Communicate who you are clearly and confidently. If someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t mean you aren’t enough, it only means they aren’t the right person, even if you want them to be. All you can do is be the best version of yourself and communicate who that is to the world.

When reading profiles, I don’t mind if someone tells me what they are looking for in a partner, but it’s a red flag when it becomes a checklist of what I need to be. One of the things that drew me to Stanley’s profile was that rather than tell me who I should be, his profile inquired, “What about you? What do you like?” I thought, “Wow! He really wants to get to know me!”

To be a good communicator, you must hone both your expressive and receptive skills. I’m an English major. I believe in the power of words, and in trying to find the best ones to communicate what you’re trying to say. And good communication requires doing your best to understand the message that’s being sent. If in doubt, paraphrase. Restate the message you heard to see if your interpretation matches the intention. And in the spirit of good relationship, trying to see your partner’s point-of-view and honoring where they are coming from is a love-move. And if you do your best at these, you deserve a partner who does the same. A successful relationship takes mutual effort.

Some people enjoy drama, I know because I was married to one of them. But I don’t. If you don’t like drama, then don’t create drama. If you’re angry, step back. Give yourself time to calm down and regain your composure, until you’re able to say what you have to say from a better frame of mind.

Good luck out there!