connection

Dating Disappointment: the Fallout of Connection

/ blackbirddiaryblog / Leave a comment

To truly open yourself to love requires emotional vulnerability: taking an emotional chance on someone, investing your feelings with them knowing that there’s a possibility, that in doing so, you might get hurt. We know this, yet we take that chance. We take that chance because human connection, Love, is the most precious part of being human. Opening your heart to someone, to the possibility of Love, is a brave Hope move. Witnessing the preciousness of another human being, and the feeling of being precious in their eyes, is worth that risk. But it is a risk. And sometimes that risk ends in hurt and disappointment if the connection is broken off.

That recently happened to me.

We can’t avoid the fallout when it happens, nor should we try, but we can be intentional about managing our disappointment and hurt feelings. Here’s my attempt to do so.

The Draw

My connection with Jon is the best new possibility that I’ve had in quite a while. We had enough common ground to make us compatible and enough differences to make it interesting. We had a comfortable, but fun and flirty banter. Any awkwardness was inviting, not unsettling. Our connection was intellectually stimulating. And not insignificantly, he made me laugh. Unlike some of my other recent connections, I liked him enough to actively flirt and encourage him, adding momentum to the connection on my end.

He also showed up regularly, giving our connection further momentum. We’re separated by distance, but we communicated in some form–text, phone call, FaceTime–almost daily for a couple of months. We were getting to know each other, opening our lives to each other. And as I learned Jon, I continued to want to learn him better. I started to care about him.

The Drawback

But, of course, for all the draw of the connection, each connection has its drawbacks too, that’s the nature of our flawed humanity.

The Veiled Truth

Jon is somewhat guarded. He has a way of saying something in a roundabout way so that I wasn’t always totally clear on what he was saying–a funny thing in a writer. And he’s a good writer, thus his lack of straightforwardness, his choice of words, is intentional. It was as if there was a veil over much of what he shared–I could make out the shape of what he was saying, but the full picture was obscured, purposefully so.

Or sometimes he’d tell me a generality about himself without filling in the details, leaving his full truth murky even as he revealed himself. So, he doesn’t let people in quickly. Fair, I thought; trust is earned. As long as we continued to explore our connection, I expected he’d reveal more of himself, as happens in all relationships. His reveal, the lifting of the veil, was just a little slower than most.

Our Digital Nature

Due to geographical distance, our interactions were via technology. He said, “I’ve never had a digital relationship.” I made clear that I wasn’t looking for a purely digital relationship, that it was a means of getting to know each other as we discerned whether we wanted to close the distance with an in-person rendezvous.

As we got to know each other better, I deemed him plane-worthy. I threw out the idea of planning a rendezvous if/when he was interested in doing so. He was hesitant, as someone who’s naturally guarded would be…

The Denouement

I saw the end coming. Within a week he went from tossing out the word “love” (in a roundabout way, of course) to fewer and briefer texts–no phone calls or FaceTimes. Knowing that he’d been going through a lot, I gave him some grace, but when I texted, “How are you?” and he responded, “Great!” I knew whether or not his response was honest (I suspected it was somewhat disingenuous.), that was it. He wasn’t just going through something, the momentum had shifted.

As a week or more went by with no communication, it further clarified the ending. Admittedly, I was depressed about it. To his credit, he did finally call because, as he said, “I didn’t want to be an asshole and ghost you.” He certainly waited long enough for me to get the idea before he called, but Jon isn’t an asshole. I never thought he was, or I wouldn’t have liked him so much, and the fallout wouldn’t have been as hard.

Dealing with the Disappointment

While the denouement of our connection was disappointing, I wasn’t blindsided. I was mindful of Jon’s issues, and I noticed the shift in communication. This awareness served to keep my eyes open to our current reality as it evolved. Though the fallout still hurt, the blow of it was lessened somewhat because I saw it coming. Keep this in mind in your own experience--by truthing out the reality of your connection as it evolves over time, you’re more emotionally prepared for any disappointments.

Beware Hope

It’s possible that I could hear from Jon again, sometimes things like that happen. I’ve had that happen with other men, but I can’t invest any hope that will happen with Jon. And even if he does show up in my future, I can’t expect his guarded nature to change. I must accept this conclusion to our connection.

Honor Your Feelings

For the better part of a week, I was depressed as I processed the fallout of our connection. Functional, but sad. We hadn’t been connected for an extended amount of time, we’d never defined our connection as an exclusive relationship, we’d never met, but I’d grown fond of him. I had hope for us. I don’t invest Hope easily these days, and letting go of that hope and connection was hard. And while it was the lost hope of Jon in the specific, it was also the generalized hurt of being let down by so many men across time. The truth is I felt like I needed to cry a little, but the tears weren’t there.

It’s healthy to allow yourself to feel your feelings honestly and without suppresion, even when it’s hard. So, I allowed myself to feel–to grieve as much as I needed to while moving forward as much as I could. And in this emotional space, I watched a video of artist Marina Abramovic performing The Artist is Present, a piece where she’d sit across from complete strangers in silence, with eye contact, for a full minute. In the video, Ulay, her former lover and collaborator, shows up and sits down across from her. Witnessing the emotional intensity of their connection, my tears finally came.

Walk it Out

Physical movement helps me work through strong emotions. The day I told my ex to move out, I went for a long walk with a friend to process the situation. During the divorce, when I was angry, I’d go for a run and pound out my anger on the pavement, my legs like pestle to the sidewalk’s mortar. Whether a calming walk or a more intense physical activity, physical movement can give you space to process emotions, as well as a physical outlet for them. And research shows that physical exercise has mental health benefits.

These days, I’m an avid walker–I usually walk four to six miles a day at a minimum. It’s an important part of my routine for both my physical and mental health. Walking with what’s on my mind and in my heart helps me process whatever’s preoccupying me. I take a little notebook with me when I walk so I can record any helpful insights I have.

As long as the weather’s nice, walking is also time I can spend outside in nature. Nature soothes some of my emotional turbulence–there’s a reason forest bathing is a thing. Nature also touches on the spiritual, something bigger than ourselves. It’s no surprise that spending time in nature is linked to better mental health.

Further, I like the simplictiy of walking. It doesn’t require any special equipment except comfortable clothes and a decent pair of sneakers. I don’t have to drive anywhere; I can just step outside my door and keep going. But, if walking isn’t your thing, you can do a form of exercise that makes sense to you. Whatever that physical workout is, you can use it to do double duty and help work out those emotionally tricky spaces as well.

Write it Out

Writing out my feelings and thoughts helps me sort through my internal processes by externalizing them. Years ago, writing it out might have looked like a journal entry. These days, it might look like a blog post (case in point) or an essay. But sometimes it’s as simple as a Word document to record and acknowledge my internal struggle. Often those notes in my walking notebook show up in a Word document or a blog post later. Notes about processing the fallout with Jon have shown up in that walking notebook, a Word document, and now this blog post.

Research shows that writing about personal struggles also has a positive impact on mental health. No worries if you don’t have a blog–try journaling, start a Word document, or carry a little notebook around with you. That Word document could even be thoughts to share with your therapist–I do that.

If you have words to express to another person and exorcise from your psyche, your writing could even take the form of a letter. And just because your write a letter, doesn’t mean you need to send it. You can write it to someone but for yourself. If sending it’s a bad karma move, then after you write it, burn it, archive it, or read it to your therapist or a friend. Depending on the intensity of your feelings and the relationship, you could even elevate the letter burning into a healing ceremony.

Talk it Out

On a particularly down day, I called my friend Jen. She’s a long-standing friend who I know genuinely cares about my well-being. I knew that I could unburden myself with her safely. It wasn’t a long conversation, but it allowed me to be heard and feel seen.

Importantly, Jen is someone who’ll listen without feeling the need to give advice or to try and put a positive spin on my situation. I can trust her to see my reality regardless of whether it contains sunshine or darkness. She’s comfortable with that level of authenticity. Talking to someone can help you feel less alone when you’re hurting, but make sure to choose someone who can authentically see you where you are without judgment, spin, avoidance, or advice (unless asked for). Those are the true friends.

Of course, the next time I see my therapist, I’ll go over my emotional and mental state with him as well. I don’t go to my therapist for advice, but insights. I want help expanding my thought process. When I go to therapy, I take notes. If I’m particularly troubled, sometimes I even write things out on a Word Document before a session to read to him later. I haven’t done this regarding Jon, but I do have a Word document where I record important parts of conversations with my therapist. I always take my laptop to therapy. In this way, any insights don’t evaporate into the air when I leave, but I have the opportunity to revisit them later.

Clean

Cleaning can be therapeutic. Lately, I’ve put some additional energy into mopping, organizing, and donating/throwing out clutter. The results are visible, thus rewarding, giving a sense of accomplishment.

Cleaning is an active task, inviting energy rather than inertia. Someone once told me that activity is the opposite of depression. That isn’t precisely true, but it holds some truth. Depression and inactivity have a strong correlation, and as I mentioned above, even small amounts of physical activity have proven mental health benefits.

Interestingly, houses have a loaded symbolism in the dream realm. They can represent anything from childhood and family to your own physical body or mental state, the latter being Jungian in nature. You ARE the house. The basement represents the most dark recesses of your psyche. Cleaning house can be therapeutic on a literal level, but it also hints at deeper meanings, reaching into, excavating, and cleansing aspects of your psyche.

Indulge in Things You Enjoy

While I don’t evade my feelings, I do sometimes need distraction from them. To that end, I make sure to participate in activities I enjoy. That doesn’t dissipate any sadness, but it does help counterbalance negative feelings to avoid sinking into them. Often that looks like Happy Hour at my favorite sushi place, where the bartenders know my drink on sight. In the fallout of Jon, I’ve also found myself indulging in binge watching films on the Criterion Channel (lots of film noir).

Art and travel are two other activities that feed my soul. When Jon faded out midsummer, I still had time for a getaway to lift my spirits before school started. I booked a hotel room in Kansas City to get a change of scenery, to take myself out for a nice dinner, and to visit the Nelson-Atkins Art Museum before resuming my routine. A positive distraction and final summer hurrah. Having something to look forward to on my calendar helps buoy my spirits. As part of that, I always try to have a next trip planned or in the planning stage.

Maybe you have a creative outlet–music, wordworking, painting, photography, etc.? Or maybe a physical outlet–rock climbing, bike racing, triathlon, basketball, soccer? Whatever feeds your soul, give it space so you don’t hunger.

Move Forward as You’re Ready

The length of time and depth of connection affects your readiness to move forward. David and I were in relationship for only a few months, yet I grieved the connection for several months. Stanley and I were involved for four years, but I grieved the connection only a couple of weeks–mostly because I grieved our relationship while I was still in it. I broke it off with Stanley five times in the final year of our relationship, slowly letting go of us over time. By the time our ending stuck, I was ready to move forward. With Jon, who I’d had regular communication but never met, I was ready to move forward by the end of the week.

Being ready to move forward didn’t mean that my sadness and disappointment were gone, just that my heart was available and open to the right man. Honestly, I haven’t put much energy into dating apps in the last year as I’ve had enough going on without them. With the fallout of Jon however, I’ve devoted more energy and time to Match than I enjoy (which these days looks a lot like hiding phony profiles), with the hope that it’ll lead me to my next good connection. After getting past the original disappointment, it energized me. If not Jon, then who? I only need one good connection to work out. So, for now, I’m putting effort into looking for that man.

Sometimes I have energy to put into the search for a romantic partner and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I’m emotionally available and sometimes I’m not. I go through phases, depending on my current emotional status and what’s happening in my life. And that’s normal. Read where you’re at emotionally, honor it, and move forward as you’re ready.

Final Thoughts

While writing this post has been a good therapeutic exercise for me, by sharing it in this space, my hope is that you find some useful takeaways. Disappointments happen. Life is full of obstacles. We can’t just brush the obstacles aside. Somehow, we must find our way around or through them.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Take care of yourself, and good luck out there!

Leave a Reply

Q & A: Intimacy without Commitment

/ blackbirddiaryblog

A Reader recently sent me the following question:

This one is less practical query, more subjective musing…. I think your readers would be interested in an honest exploration from you of the role of NON-long-term, non-committed intimacy in dating.

While I’m sure that most, if not all, of us are genuinely looking for the last/best relationship of a lifetime, I feel like for people in my age group, there’s also room for, and value in, the “in-between” —  intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness) without the expectation of it lasting forever.

There have been a few times in my experience when communication about such things has been good enough that it’s possible to navigate this with nobody getting terribly hurt. Though the chance for an imbalance in expectations is always there.

I know this is a loaded issue, and that male / female perspectives may be very different (or not as different as i think a lot of people assume). Anyway I’d be really interested in hearing you wax philosophical about this from your perspective as a woman with significant dating experience.

To begin with, I think the Reader is spot on in his thinking and musing. I agree that most of us ultimately do hope to find, “the last/best relationship of a lifetime.” But if that isn’t happening (yet), what about other relationship options? Let’s consider…

Terminology

While the type of relationship the Reader is describing sounds like Friend with Benefits, I personally dislike that terminology. FWB connotes a casual relationship–a friend who you hook-up with sometimes. Also, as someone from a certain age group, it feels sophomoric, and it doesn’t seem to adequately match the quality of relationship the Reader describes.

The Reader describes a relationship of, intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness) without the expectation of it lasting forever. Intimacy, friendship, and emotional closeness to me indicate more than simply a friendship with a sex add-on. On the spectrum of relationship, it seems to lie beyond FWB, but stops short of a last/best relationship.

As an English major, I appreciate the nuance of words and like them to suit the situation. So, what terminology best fits?

  • Situationship? Maybe. That signifies an undefined relationship, but I agree with our Reader, that communication in this scenario is important. Yet much like FWB, I find this term sophomoric as well.
  • Lover? This achieves the sense of intimacy, but it’s a broad term that doesn’t address commitment or lack thereof.
  • A fling? That connotes a brief love affair, as well as a casting off–the latter, not so flattering an association.
  • A flirtation? Perhaps better, it indicates being amorous without serious intent. Yet that seems to fall short of the intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness), that our Reader describes.

For our purposes here, let’s refer to this type of relationship as an “Interlude.” This term signifies both the “in-between-ness” that Our Reader mentions, and it also suggests something with a beginning and an end. It’s a more sophisticated term acknowledging that such a relationship may not be a committed relationship, but a more (amore?) refined term to denote the Reader’s desire for emotional connection and intimacy, as well as physical intimacy.

As for its lack of permanence, an Interlude serves as a type of relationship to fill an emotional and physical romantic space in the meantime, on the way to the last/best relationship most of us seek.

Know Yourself

When considering whether to have an Interlude, begin with from a place of self-scrutiny. Our Reader sounds very comfortable with such an arrangement, but not everyone would be. Be aware of your limits and what you can be comfortable with.

Myself, while I’ve had such connections in my journey, I generally find this a difficult space to inhabit. I tend to only be sexually aroused by men who I feel strong emotional connection with. If I don’t feel the emotional-sexual connection, then I’m probably not interested in pursuing more. And, if I do feel a strong emotional connection with a man, then I tend to want more from the relationship, not limitations in time or level of commitment.

When such a man imposes limitations on what we can be, I find maneuvering that space challenging. And frankly, I don’t appreciate being “good enough” for an Interlude but not worthy of being considered relationship material.

The Reader asks for a female perspective. While I hardly speak for all women, I think this is a common point of view for many women. That said, just as a man might be looking for a certain kind of companionship while seeking for his last/best relationship, there are certainly women who’ll be open to considering anInterlude as well. And, though it’s not a preferred place for me to dwell, I’ve visited it. I’ve had phases in my life where I’ve been more or less willing to get involved in such relationships, depending on how I’m feeling at the time.

This is where I think it’s important to know yourself and what you can handle. Can you handle that level of emotional and physical intimacy, yet still maintain a healthy emotional remove and work within the limits of an Interlude?

Also consider, Who can you handle such a relationship with and still find satisfaction in the Connection? There are some men who I can’t handle such a relationship with, and yet there’s a man who I’ve managed to maintain such an intermittent flirtation with across the years. We have emotional connection, friendship, and strong physical attraction, yet we’ve never manifested as a committed relationship.

In determining whether or not this might suit you, consider specific past connections that never quite got off the ground. Think of how you felt with each person and whether you could’ve emotionally handled that level of emotional and physical intimacy with imposed limits.

Or, if you’ve had a Romantic Interlude before, reflect back on whether or not that worked for you. Was it emotionally messy? Did it provide welcome companionship?

Consider any current relationships you have where you feel connected, but there doesn’t seem to be relationship momentum. Zoom out and examine your thoughts and feelings. Does a Romantic Interlude feel like an attractive option? Or does it feel emotionally dangerous?

Consider the Other Person

Our Reader has good impulses. He states, “There have been a few times in my experience when communication about such things has been good enough that it’s possible to navigate this with nobody getting terribly hurt.“

When pursuing a Romantic Interlude, it’s key to consider not only whether you’re emotionally comfortable in this space, but is the other person? If you care enough about someone to wander down the road of both physical AND emotional intimacy, then you probably care enough about their well-being that you don’t want them to get hurt.

The best way to discern whether the other person can handle such an arrangement would be, as our Reader says, good communication. Such communication would need to clearly express what your limits are and ensuring that they’re comfortable with those limits.

It’s also worth considering, based on your knowledge of the person, your own perception of whether or not you think they could handle an Interlude without being terribly hurt. If you sense that they couldn’t, then perhaps it’s best to not broach the topic at all. Rather, enjoy the relationship for what it already is without pushing at its limits.

Pay Attention to the Signage

As your Interlude plays out, pay attention to the signals that you’re receiving from your companion, both verbal and silent. Do they seem comfortable and relaxed? Do they seem wistful? Do you sense they’re pushing for more? Alternatively, are they pulling away?

Also, zoom out and examine your own feelings about the Connection. Is the Connection satisfying in the way you’d hoped? Do you have concerns or misgivings?

If no particular concerns arise, then enjoy and savor it for what it is while it lasts. But remember, by the very nature of it being NON-long-term, non-committed, it will probably play out at some point. Pay attention to the signage so you’re aware when the Interlude has reached its coda.

On the contrary, if you sense that maybe the Connection is worth exploring in a more committed long-term capacity, pay attention to whether you’re getting any signaling from your companion that they may or may not be feeling the same. Again, as our Reader stated, communication will be crucial to ensure that both you and your companion are on the same page about the limits of the connection or expanding its potential.

By paying attention to the signage you’re getting, both from own your feelings and perceptions, as well as any signals or communication from your Connection, you’ll have a good sense of when it may be time to shift gears or whether it makes sense to maintain your course.

Final Thoughts

While the focus of this post is on Romantic Interludes, ultimately, I hope you find your last/best relationship of a lifetime. I do love the way our Reader worded that. In the meantime, enjoy any Interlude(s) and maneuver them carefully. Good luck out there!

Should You have any questions, please post them in the comments below or send them via my Contact page.

The Role of Momentum

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Science was hardly my strong suit in school, but even I’m familiar with Newton’s law of motion:

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.

This can just as easily apply to romantic scenarios as to the physical universe. If there’s no impetus to motion, the connection will falter and flag. Romance needs a kick-start, and that impetus is correlated to the level of interest.

Momentum has Different Speeds

Not all connections move forward at the same pace. All relationships are different, because each relationship is composed of two individuals creating a unique space that no one else shares. As a result, the pace of how those relationships are created can look different from one relationship to another.

I’ve had a relationship where we recognized our connection immediately and another where it took months to discern our level of interest. Think of it like the gears on a bike, you’re still moving forward but at different speeds. You and your potential mate get to mutually determine the pace that’s right for you.

That said, without enough Momentum, the bike will fall over, or to use another analogy, the connection will fizzle out, like firewood that never got a strong enough spark to start a fire.

Momentum and Discernment

Discernment is what I call the period when you’re discerning your level of interest in a potential match. During the Discernment phase, you want to engage enough to keep forward Momentum, while refraining from pushing forward a connection that doesn’t hold potential. So, how to balance Momentum with the need to discern?

Be intentional about actively using this discernment period as an information gathering stage. As you’re learning more about your potential match as an individual, pay attention to your level of compatibility, how they treat you, how you feel in their company, and any chemistry you have. This information can help you make informed decisions about how much Momentum to add, whether to back away, or whether to maintain your current pace.

Some considerations:

  • How physically attracted are you? A little? And then some? Extremely? Can you imagine being physically intimate with them? Is the physical intimacy satisfying?
  • How much are you enjoying the conversation? Is it so-so? Dull? Engaging?
  • Do they stimulate you? Pique your interest? Make you laugh?
  • Do you look forward to hearing from them? Are you eager to? Not so much?
  • How do they treat you? Are they kind? Respectful? Condescending? Do you feel seen and heard?
  • How do your interactions make you feel? Safe? Charmed? Energized? Anxious? Scrutinized?
  • How are you feeling about the connection at this point? Indifferent? Unsure? Intrigued? Hopeful? Excited?

Unless you know you’re ready to write the connection off, maintain any Momentum you already have while you explore the connection’s viability. To do this, maintain regular contact, whether messaging on platform, texting, phone calls, or in person rendezous.

Without regular contact, Momentum diminishes. There’s not going to be a relationship spark when one or both parties aren’t interested enough to maintain regular contact. Do you want to settle for someone who’s either not interested enough in you or that you’re not interested enough in to make the effort for regular contact?

For me, regular contact is often the form of a daily check-in, whether responding to a message on platform, a text to check in and wish them a good day, or a good night phone call. More than that, usually means that we’re actively building Momentum and feeling connection. Less than that is a good indicator that I’m either not feeling the connection, or it lacks sufficient Momentum to go anywhere.

For Example:

Here are some recent examples of the role of Momentum in my interactions:

Infrequency Stalls Out Momentum

Jonas’s communications were terse, but interesting. I’d respond within a day, as is my habit; his responses took longer, typically 3-4 days. The conversation was engaging enough that I continued to communicate with him, though with a lag of 3-4 days in responses, there wasn’t much Momentum. As a result, I had no expectation of the connection leading anywhere. I finally let go of the conversation when he mistakenly addressed me as “Lisa.” If he couldn’t even bother to remember my name, it seemed like a good time to bow out. We never even made it off-platform.

Absence Does NOT Make the Heart Grow Fonder

When Gary messaged me after no contact for three months, any Momentum we had was long gone. His absence was a bucket of water on the firewood. I didn’t bother to respond.

Adjusting Momentum with Discernment

Gradually Increasing Momentum

Jay was more communicative than Jonas, responding at least once a day at length. Sometimes we’d even dialogue on platform in real time. We had some Momentum. I enjoyed our conversation and had a good sense of him. I decided to add further Momentum to explore the viability of our connection, and level up a gear. I gave him my phone number.

We maintained our communication Momentum via text, much as we had on platform. As our conversation continued to unfold in an encouraging way, I added further Momentum, suggesting we chat on the phone. Real time conversation would allow me to get a better sense of him and further discern the viability of our connection.

Had things continued to go well, my next move would’ve been to throw out the idea of planning a rendezvous, if he didn’t suggest it himself. Unfortunately, I learned an aspect of his situation that’s a dealbreaker for me, so I hit the brakes.

Jonas and I never had any Momentum to launch us, no fuel to spark a fire, regardless of any compatibility we may or may not have had. With Jay, I gradually added Momentum to fuel our connection, until the connection no longer made sense.

Of course, I’m not always the one who attempts to add Momentum to the connection. When a man tries to advance our Momentum, I must decide if I’m comfortable and desirous of leveling up, or if I need to back off.

Decreasing Momentum

Walter and I had a pleasant exchange of daily messages, but I wasn’t feeling the chemistry. When he suggested that we exchange phone numbers, I withheld my daily message. By breaking the Momentum of our communication, I was sending a silent message so he wouldn’t be completely blindsided when I came to a full stop. The next day, I did message him, wishing him well, but explaining that I wasn’t feeling the kind of chemistry I’m seeking in a romantic relationship.

Being Intentional About Momentum

Sometimes between two people, the sparks fly quickly and the Momentum comes naturally. But, when that isn’t the case, it’s helpful to be intentional about gauging the pace of your connection’s Momentum and whether it matches your discernment of its potential or lack thereof.

Facets of Momentum

When determining how to match your pace to your feelings about the connection, there are different facets of Momentum to consider:

  • Response Time: How quickly or slowly you respond to a potential match communicates information about your level of interest. A quick response indicates you’re prioritizing them and glad to hear from them. A slower response indicates that you have some interest, but too slow and that kindling won’t ignite. Likewise, their response time gives you information about their level of interest.
  • Frequency: How often you communicate impacts Momentum. If there’s a lag of days between messages, then it’s difficult to establish Momentum. If you have daily contact, you have sufficient Momentum which you can increase or decrease as you discern your level of interest. If you’re communicating multiple times a day, the Momentum is building…
  • Form: The form your communication takes is also a reflection of Momentum and interest. If you’re still communicating on platform, you have less Momentum than once you move beyond the platform. Every time you move up a level of communication (platform, text, phone/video call, in person) you’re adding Momentum to the connection.
  • Flirtation: Flirtation feeds the fire. The more flirtation your interaction has, the more Momentum you’re giving the connection. In turn, the less flirtatious the interaction, the less Momentum.

Each of these facets plays a role in establishing the Momentum of your relationships. Keep in mind that’s it’s easier to hold back or maintain Momentum, than it is to pull back once Momentum is pushed forward. Be intentional about aligning your actions to your discernment and feelings. Likewise, pay attention to the signals that a potential match is sending relative to Momentum.

Shifts in Momentum

If you notice a sudden shift in Momentum in your relationship, pay attention–it means something’s happening.

If the Momentum increases quickly, and you’re on board with that, then enjoy the ride!

However, if you notice the Momentum’s shifting down, it’s likely a signal that something is going on with your connection/partner. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, if there’s a shift in an established pattern of communication, there’s probably a reason, some Force that’s acting upon your established Momentum. It may or may not be an issue with you or the relationship itself. It could be work stress or a health/family/financial issue. Alternately, it could also be a sign of doubt or an affair. The point is to pay attention to it and address it.

It may be a situation where by being attentive you’re able to be a supportive partner and take care of your relationship, or it may be that your awareness prevents you from being blindsided and prepares you for an unpleasant truth. Either way, it’s better to be informed and have an awareness of your reality, even if it’s not the reality you want. Whatever your truth is, knowledge empowers you to take action matching your truth.

Final Thoughts

Be attentive to the Momentum in your connections and relationships. Have an awareness of Momentum so that you can act on that Momentum in a deliberate manner. Don’t allow your awareness to stray into paranoid territory, but rather use that awareness to read the situation, and take action as it makes sense to you.

May you find the right person to gear up with. Good luck out there!

Up Next: Valentine’s Day–A Day for Lovers

The Preciousness of Connection

/ blackbirddiaryblog

As individuals, we each have certain predispositions of personality, inclinations, and curiosities. As we come into ourselves over time, we tend to settle further into who we are, shaped, of course, by our experiences and how we grow from them or fail to. Who we are affects who we connect with and what we bring to relationship dynamic.

My last post probed the preciousness of One, the singular, the individual. When seeking romantic relationship, we commonly refer to a search for “The One.” But not anyOne can be “The One.” That’s why when you find a right person, that Connection is precious as well.

Connection is the Exception, not the Rule

There are many things to consider in seeking a romantic partner–compatibility; how they make you feel; does the relationship/situation make sense in your life; are you physically attracted to them–but Connection is more than that. Connection is an amplification of compatibility, feeling, and attraction. It’s a mutual recognition where you see and feel seen by each other, an intuitive “getting” each other, and a compulsion to know each other better. It’s the spark of life in relationship.

You aren’t going to find that kind of Connection with a random person or dating profile. The rarity of such Connection is part of its preciousness, like a gem. And while you’re not going to have Connection with every person you encounter on your romantic quest, optimally, dating is a discernment process through which you discover Connection or, at least, the kind of people you Connect with, making it easier to pinpoint good possibilities as you go forward.

A widower recently told me that, once he started dating again, the only thing important to him was that the woman was pretty. Now, several years later, he realizes that isn’t enough. While I question that he was ever shallow enough that looks were the only thing that mattered (How about some general compatibility or common interests?), as he’s continued on his journey, he’s discerned more of what he wants in a partner.

When I see a dating profile where the man says he’s not sure what he’s looking for, I know he’s early on his journey, and he’s not for me. I know well the kind of men who I Connect with and what I’m looking for in a man at this juncture, and one of those qualities is a man who knows what he wants as well.

It hasn’t always been that way, but that’s been part of the journey. When I started dating after my divorce, I went out with several men who were wrongs before I finally found a right man, and when I did, I fell for him hard. Funny thing is, I’d been with that kind of man before…

Recognizing Connection

Isaac was an echo across time of my college sweetheart. Ted was an art history major, now a conservator at the Met; Isaac, the director of a prestigious art museum. They’re both classic tall, dark, and handsome. They’re both intellectual and witty. It turns out that Isaac was the middle-aged version of the kind of man I was attracted to as a young woman.

So, Laura has a type. The art-type piece isn’t an essential part of the equation, though it’s certainly serendipitous and indicative of particular inclinations. When Isaac came into my life, I knew right away that he was the kind of man I wanted to be with. And after Isaac dumped me, I wondered, where I am I going to find another man like this?

The answer, I realized, was likely not in Lincoln or even Nebraska. If I hoped to find another such man, it would require me broadening my search geographically, so I did. As a result, I’ve made more special Connections, but even so, those Connections are far between–several months or years apart with thousands of profiles in between. Part of the preciousness of those Connections is the preciousness of each individual man and part is the rarity of finding such a Connection at all. It’s the unicorn in a herd of horses. Or the Whooping Crane amid a flock of Sandhill Cranes.

In grad school, I lived near the Sandhill Crane migration route and watched their migration annually. At that time, amid their flock was an orphaned Whooping Crane who they’d adopted as one of their own. For those of you who aren’t birders, a grown Whooping Crane is a full foot taller than a Sandhill Crane, and if you drove around the countryside watching the cranes feed in the fields, it was easy to spot the Whooping Crane, should you be lucky enough to come across it. It stood out from the rest. So does true Connection once you learn to recognize it.

With time, I’ve become skilled at recognizing such Connection quickly, or alternately, the lack of it, the latter of which spares me wasted time and energy on matches which are ultimately ill-suited. For me, Connection largely has to do with physical attraction, intellectual stimulation, how I’m treated, and a sense that I’m seen and heard. If I feel seen and heard by a man, he’s both treating me respectfully, but also “getting me.” If we can look each other in the eye, a very specific kind of looking at each other, whilst having stimulating, fun, and sexy conversation, that’s Connection. As Carrie Bradshaw would say, “Zsa zsa zsu.”

If you’re at a place in your romantic journey where you have a strong sense of what and who you seek, congratulations! Having a strong sense of the kind of match you seek and Connect with allows you to date with more purpose in your search for a romantic partner.

If you’re still not sure who or what you’re looking for, that’s worth discerning, and you have some information to go on, even if you’re returning to the dating scene after a long hiatus. Reflect on your dating and relationship history–where have you felt strong Connection before? What qualities about that/those persons and your relationship dynamic made you feel that way? Try and be as specific as possible. The more clarity you have on what draws you to people and makes you feel Connected, the more purposeful you can be in your romantic search.

Connection is Mutual

Connection is mutual, otherwise, it’s disconnection or lack of connection. You can’t be Connected to someone who isn’t Connected to you. That’s part of the power of Connection–it’s fueled by the mutualism of feeling. And again, that’s a rare, and therefore precious, thing.

Though Isaac and I have never been in a committed relationship, after a decade in my life, he said to me, “We are Connected.” Yes, we are; it’s mutual. We both feel it.

Evan said to me, “We are kindred spirits.” We are indeed. I feel it too.

Damon and I had a second date. You don’t do that long distance if you aren’t interested. And though there wasn’t a third date (his call, not mine), for over a year after our last date he looked at my profile with regularity, despite scant communication. If he didn’t feel some Connection, he wouldn’t have bothered to look at all.

Grieving Connection

Connection, though powerful, doesn’t guarantee relationship success, because Connection doesn’t necessitate that both parties are willing to commit to doing the work of relationship, and relationship requires an effort by both. If relationship were only about Connection, I wouldn’t still be single. I’ve Connected.

David often talked about the power of our Connection. More than once he told me that when he dreams about people he knows, they never look like themselves, yet whenever he dreamt of me, I always did. He put that down to the strength of our Connection. We both recognized our Connection quickly and were swept up in it. At some point though, the power of our Connection was too much for him. He panicked and retreated, emotionally devastating me.

The higher you are, the further you have to fall. When Connection doesn’t work out, it’s painful. The more emotionally Connected you are, the more emotions you have to navigate when the Connection misfires. That’s not just disappointment, that’s grief. And grief can arise regardless of how briefly you dated or whether you were even in a committed relationship at all, because grief is emotion and Connection is an emotional manifestation of a relationship. Connection is something you feel.

That feeling, that sense of the Other being so very special, that hurt when a Connection doesn’t work out and the person removes themself from you, goes to the preciousness of Connection. If the Connection wasn’t precious we wouldn’t mourn it.

Connection is Precious

I’ve had committed relationship without Connection, and I’ve had Connection without committed relationship. While I prefer the latter than the former, ideally Connection and committed relationship are aligned. However, that takes both parties recognizing the preciousness of their Connection and acting on that.

I’ve had Connection with men who recognized our Connection, yet failed to follow-through with action. Disappointing on my end, and I can’t help but think Foolish on their end, but that’s their choice to make, and they have their reasons. Yet it feels like a beautiful waste.

If you have Connection with someone, recognize and appreciate how lucky you are. You have more than relationship, you’ve hit the mother lode, a rare and precious gift. Don’t take it for granted. Don’t squander it. Don’t play games with it. Follow it. Cherish it. Accommodate it. Prioritize it. Be grateful.

Of course, your other option is turning away from Connection or settling for less than. But if your goal is a romantic relationship, why would you want to do that?

And If you’re still seeking that elusive and lasting Connection, you’re not alone. Persist. We may have Connections behind us, but surely there’s another ahead of us waiting to be found. Carry on with your search, being mindful to recognize Connection when you’re blessed with it.

Good luck in your search!

Up Next: Dating Don’t–Be Defensive

The Preciousness of One

/ blackbirddiaryblog

At this point in life, we have histories. We’ve done a good share of living, learning, loving, and losing. Being single at this point generally comes with having lost a relationship, a partner, or a connection, possibly many relationships, partners, and connections.

Not too long ago, my friend Evan told me how, “…lucky I am to have been loved by so many women…” In saying this, he was expressing both a gratitude for being loved by those women as well as an appreciation of them.

While his gratitude is admirable, and I’m thankful for the men I’ve had in my life, to my own mind, I find his statement unsatisfactory. It doesn’t match the experience I’ve had nor want to have.

I’ve certainly been through my share of men. Each man was special in his own right, and while my romantic life has been quite the adventure, most of the men have disappointed me in one way or another. Sometimes the disappointment was simply that they didn’t stick it out with me. Other times my disappointment in them led me to move on. And sometimes, they were fine men, but the relationship dynamic was lacking, a different kind of disappointment.

My desire has never been to have a string of men and adventures, but rather to have One man to adventure with. Likewise, I ultimately want to be appreciated in the singular sense, not as part of someone’s plurality.

So, while appreciative of the men who’ve been part of my story, they’re no solace to me. With our endings, some of their luster faded as they receded into the multitudes. I continue to seek the man who’ll stand out from the multitudes, the One apart from the many. The One who I can count on and who bests the rest.

There’s a potency and preciousness in the individual that is somewhat diminished when they become part of a plurality. One is easily lost in a crowd.

On a different note, consider the tragedies of Gaza and the Holocaust. The scale of suffering and death in both cases are staggering to the point of being hard to process. The scale is overwhelming to fathom, yet the numbers and statistics have a sterility about them which emotionally distance us from the horror.

Numbers may outrage us, but the potency of those tragedies is in the stories of the precious individuals who’ve suffered and died. It’s the individual stories that move us. That’s where we connect, that’s where we understand, with singular stories.

When One of the multitude is seen and heard, it humanizes and moves us in a way that a number cannot. Think of the girl in the red coat from Schindler’s List. Visually singled out by the red coat, amid the violent chaos surrounding her that’s so hard to fathom, She becomes precious to us, a story that moves us because she is One.

Each of the 6,000,000 European Jews who died was also One, but we cannot process the number of the multitudes as we can the One. We connect to the stories behind the numbers. It’s easier to relate to the singular than the plural. Spielberg knew that, thus the shot of the girl in the red coat.

Palestinian poet Mosab Abu Toha, recently interviewed by Scott Simon of NPR about his poetry and the devastation in Gaza, said, “…what the news is doing is depicting a list of names. If someone has his name on the news, he’s lucky to be recognized as a person with a name or an age. But what the news failed to do is mention that these people existed as individuals–people with their dreams, their hopes, their previous lives, their family relationships.” By being reduced to a list of names, the individual is lost, and some go unnamed altogether.

Each One individual is precious, and each One has a story. We write our stories and who we choose to be and what we choose to do with our preciousness. What do we strive for? How do we choose to manifest in this world? Do we go forth in Love? In Judgment? In peace? In conflict? Broadminded? Narrowminded? How do we impact others’ stories? Are we able to see the precious of the Other?

This takes me back to the question, posed to me a few months ago, On the Paradox of Choice–“What about the paradox of choice that comes with internet dating? Is it real?” Where dating is concerned, the internet presents us with multitudes. Each profile represents an individual, and each One has a preciousness to them. We can choose to mingle with the multitude of profiles or we can separate ourselves from the pack and find the One.

That said, not everyone can be the One. Right relationship isn’t just about inserting a new person into your life, but finding One whose preciousness you see, who sees yours in turn, and with whom you have the preciousness of connection, recognizing that preciousness, and honoring that preciousness with follow-through.

For me, I seek One man. One right man who steps out from the multitudes, who lets me into his story, and who finds his way into mine, not just as an episodic adventure, but as a primary character. One man who, despite our mutual imperfections, sees the preciousness of my singularity and sticks it out with me, doing the work of relationship that we may enjoy the pleasures of relationship. One man who will Go All In and choose me, rather than receding back into the multitudes. One man who–like the song in A Chorus Line–sees my One1-ness.

And that’s where the preciousness of connection comes in. In singling each other out, you’re saying to each other, “You’re special and I recognize that.”

So, while grateful for the men who’ve been part of the adventure of my romantic storyline, when they fail to separate themselves from the multitudes and manifest a permanence, they lose some of their preciousness to me, for somehow the preciousness of our connection failed whether the failure was their lack of fully appreciating its preciousness, whether it was taken for granted, or whether that preciousness was somehow tarnished.

I strive to manifest an expansive, grounded, learned, and loving presence as I go forth in the world. I see my own preciousness, something I wasn’t always able to claim. When I feel that my preciousness isn’t fully appreciated by the men whose preciousness I’ve recognized, it grieves me. And dealing with the preciousness of those lost to me is too overwhelming–unless I allow them to recede into the multitudes.

When I become cynical about whether or not I’ll ever find the loving relationship that I seek, I remind myself that I only need One man to get it right with, just One. There are multitudes, and I only need One. That shouldn’t be too impossible, should it? I can continue to look for him or give up. I choose to keep looking.

Final Thoughts

As you go forth, remember that you are precious, and do your best to see the preciousness of others. May you find a connection as precious as you are. Good luck out there!

1Ironically, in contrast to the lyrics, the video clip of the song One shows the whole chorus line rather than having a single standout member. Gotta love irony.

Up Next: The Preciousness of Connection

Honoring Connection and the Quotidian

/ blackbirddiaryblog

My friend Bob is a comic book artist. As such, he spends much of his time and derives a significant amount of his income from attending cons. During the pandemic, this facet of his livelihood shut down. Now that cons have reopened, at times he’s booked so heavily that he returns home weary. Home from one such round of bookings, he came by to catch up.

On my end, I disclosed my disappointment over the failure of my most recent romantic connection. Bob surmised that while my idiosyncracies are part of my allure that they also make it challenging for me to find a suitable partner. He isn’t wrong. The men I find suitable potential partners are few and far between.

In turn, Bob told me happenings from his most recent cons, but mostly, he emphasized how grateful he was for the calm quotidian of life at home with his wife after the flurry of cons and activity. Quotidian. The word smacked me. Since then, I’ve been carrying the word quotidian around, pondering its implications in my life and relationships.

I love the word quotidian. It’s such a Hegelian word, encompassing both ordinary in meaning, yet the word itself is anything but ordinary. People don’t frequently say quotidian. More often, you’ll hear the words ‘usual’, ‘common’, ‘ordinary’, ‘regular’, ‘normal’, and ‘everyday’. Despite its meaning, quotidian is an uncommon word beginning with an uncommon letter. It’s the kind of word that NPR listeners and logophiles latch onto (I’m both).

While quotidian uninterrupted could wax weary, it’s an unavoidable and core part of life and relationship. As such, it serves us well to honor the role of the quotidian in our life and relationship(s). Ideally, healthy relationship is a good balance of adventure, fun, and the quotidian. This is certainly what I seek in relationship, and I think it’s something that Bob has largely achieved. Bob may enjoy the Quotidian of life at home with his wife, but they also just returned from a trip to Egypt, quite the adventure and disruption to the quotidian!

And what about Fun? Recently, I heard Catherine Price, author of The Power of Fun, define ‘Fun’ as a synthesis of three states—Playfulness; Connection; and Flow (being fully present to the moment without distraction). Fun is dynamic; Fun is interactive. This resonates as true with me.

I’ve certainly had my share of adventures and Fun in dating and relationship, and that’s an important element of connection, but the Quotidian is a sacred space. There are few connections that I’m willing to welcome into the quotidian spaces of my life, nor whose quotidian spaces I want to share and explore.

Marinating on the Quotidian after my conversation with Bob, I realized how much I crave not only a partner in adventure and Fun, but Someone to share the sacredness of the Quotidian with; Someone who enhances the everyday; a Someone who simultaneously feels like home and like an adventure waiting to happen.

I’ve been with such men, men who are both exciting and comfortable, men who can bring Fun to both an adventure and the everyday. The serenity of cocktails at twilight on Damon’s deck was as special as our weekend in Memphis; I value both. Likewise, the pleasure of going to the farmer’s market with David or cooking a meal with Stanley. Those moments are as precious and memorable to me as our more adventurous activities.

Connection is a key element of Fun, and the right person enhances the preciousness of the Quotidian. The Quotidian doesn’t have to be devoid of Fun just because it’s the everyday. With the right person and presence to the moment, the everyday can be playful and Fun, even if at a quieter level. Have you seen the videos that Gideon Patinkin has made of his parents Mandy Patinkin and Kathryn Grody at home? They model Price’s definition of Fun–Playfulness, Connection, Flow. (If you haven’t seen any, there’s a link below to a video of Gideon giving his parents a pop culture quiz.)

Having been single for a long time, I’ve lacked a partner to share many of my moments. I find that when I think of the moments I wish to share with a partner, my thoughts often dwell in the Quotidian– waking up next to a beloved, going for walks with a beloved, grocery shopping with a beloved. There is beauty in simple things, and right connection enhances the beauty.

Yet there are few men who I feel strong connection with and desire to bring into the sacredness of the Quotidian. The Quotidian is an intimate space–the wrong person makes it feel claustrophobic; the right person gives it oxygen. Because of that, when I find a man worthy of my quotidian spaces, I recognize and value the gift of him in my life and the preciousness of that connection. And that is the trick–to not only find that special connection, but to appreciate the preciousness of that connection and not take it for granted, even in the context of the Quotidian. It’s all too easy to take the Quotidian for granted, by the very nature of its definition.

My friend Evan once said of dating that, “The chance of any one person being the One is infinitesimally small.” While I think this perspective caters to the negative as if connection must be proved and earned rather than revealed and discerned for what possibility it may hold, the flipside of Evan’s observation goes to the preciousness of finding special connection. I’ve seen so many couples take their connection for granted, take each other for granted. I’ve been taken for granted. By taking connection for granted, you devalue it and risk losing it. It’s all too easy to do; we must be mindful to avoid doing so.

One of the advantages of dating long distance is that with the inevitable apartness of distance, the togetherness becomes more precious and less easily taken for granted. And while there are long stretches of apartness, it also provides a density of togetherness–you may go several weeks apart, but then spend several days in each other’s company. This density of time is a good audition to see how well you fit in each other’s quotidian spaces. But even if you’re dating locally, if you can’t appreciate someone in your quotidian spaces, are they really the right someone? Or are they just anyone?

Being single so long, waking up so many mornings alone, walking so many walks by myself, I recognize the preciousness of each special connection I make, and, as told to Bob, grieve when it doesn’t come to fruition or live up to its promise. But, better to be alone than to welcome just anyone into the sacred space of the Quotidian. That would be reducing the Quotidian to the banal, which it needn’t be.

Lou Reed famously said, “My week beats your year.” Those words serve as a reminder to me to maximize each moment for its potential. For several years, I’ve conscientiously strived to live presently, in the Now. It’s not a simple task, but over time, I’ve become better at it.

The recent and unexpected passing of my ex has brought home to me, in a very palpable way, how quickly everything, including the Quotidian, including ourselves, can disappear. His death has brought a new urgency to appreciating each moment of the Now. Just as all the people who aren’t the One make the One that much more precious, so the fact of our death makes the finite moments we do have more valuable. Now is what we have. Honor the Quotidian in your life–the yardwork, the meal preparation, watching a movie on the couch. Someday, it will all disappear. Treasure it while you have it.

The Quotidian makes up a large amount of our finite lives. If we aren’t present to those moments, they’re wasted. Be mindful of who you invite into your Quotidian spaces, ensure that they’re worthy of that gift, and if they are, honor the preciousness of them and the connection. There’s beauty in sharing the Quotidian with the right person. It’s our job to find the gratitude in that, and not take it, nor them, for granted.

May you find someone worthy of sharing your Quotidian spaces, if you haven’t already. Good luck out there!

A Gideon Patinkin video of his parents failing a pop culture quiz while eating matzah.

Up Next: Relationship Values–Show Up