dating profiles

A Match.com Update: Fake Profiles

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Not long ago, I posted a review of the Match.com dating platform. This week, I had an experience that merits sharing, because it impacts my perception of the platform–a very sudden and prominent proliferation of fake profiles.

A Recap of Some Recent Problems

The past year has seen a decline in quality and service of Match.com, including issues such as:

  • Increasing difficulty in finding quality connections: I’m not sure if the database has shrunk significantly or if the machinations of the platform are simply doing a poorer job of providing ample quality potential matches.
  • Increasing technical difficulties: Including more frequent issues with loading the platform app and “profile not available” messages when a refresh will load the “not available” profile.
  • No longer honoring (my) geographic search criteria: I have a 1500 mile geographic dating radius, yet several weeks ago, Match stopped providing profiles beyond 300 miles in my Discover. To find profiles beyond 300 miles, I now have to use the Search tool.
  • Poor customer service: Likely this has to do with the lack of human factor.
    • When I complained to Match several weeks ago about them no longer honoring my geographic search criteria, I got a canned answer not matching my complaint and blaming me, suggesting I expand my search criteria. Ironic, when they’re the ones who limited me geographically.
    • A client of mine recently had a similar experience. He complained about the limited profiles he was seeing despite living in a major metropolitan area. Match essentially sent him the same response, suggesting he expand his criteria.
    • I grew up in a context where the customer was always right. While that may be an outdated notion, indiscriminately blaming the consumer and not addressing their concern is not a good look.
    • At this point, I assume that the failure to address the actual concerns posed by both myself and my client (and to give us the same canned answer) is due to a lack of a real human factor, and that the responses were from a bot or AI.

Despite these issues, to date, I’ve continued to subscribe to Match, because historically I’ve had a good experience with them, and I’ve made some quality connections through them. However…

A New Development

This week I had an experience that further degrades my perception of the current quality of Match as a platform.

Bots and fake profiles have been an issue for a long time, a problem which is not particular to Match. That said, this week the problem got NOTICEABLY worse on the Match platform.

Almost overnight, the profiles in my search were suddenly much better looking overall. I went from having to scroll for a while to find a profile photo that was reasonably attractive (someone I could potentially imagine being intimate with), to having multiple attractive options on screen at the same time. Men who were solid 7s and 8s on a scale of 10. They upped the attractive man mean. And the photos were attractive enough to get attention, without being so attractive as to arouse suspicion out of the gate.

Initially, this was a refreshing change of possibility, but upon further investigation, it’s a problematic development that ballooned in proportion the more I looked into it.

The Dominid Effect

I clicked on one of these profiles, “Dominid,” from Ohio. Dominid had three pictures in different contexts, all reasonably attractive. 55 years old. 5’11”–tall without being really tall. Widowed. Looking for a serious relationship. Not a lot of details and no Profile Summary. And such a peculiar name, Dominid. It’s like Dominic, but really leaning into his hominid-ness.

When I returned to my Search, I noticed that there were several other Dominids from around the country –South Carolina, New York, Maryland, California, etc. There were thirteen Dominids in all. Funny that. Funnier yet, that they were all 55; widowed; looking for serious relationship; and had no Profile Summary. And they each had 3-4 different photos. The Dominids looked different from each other, but they all had the same stats.

Upon further inspection, I noticed that a lot of the other attractive profiles in my Search were also 55 years old. I clicked on some of these profiles, by different names this time. It turns out that many of them were also 5’11”; widowed; looking for serious relationship; and had 3-4 photos in different contexts, but no Profile Summary.

I took the trouble to report the Dominids as a scam to Match, but the truth is, that I don’t know that Match didn’t create the profiles themselves. Clearly, they were fake profiles whether bots or AI-generated. I didn’t report men by other names, because I didn’t want to accidentally report someone who actually had those stats and was too lazy to write a Summary. It was also too much.

Our Reality

It’s a disappointing reality. People don’t have to be assholes, nor do corporations, yet so many opt for that reality.

What the motivation is behind creating the profiles and who created them, I don’t know. To scam the unsuspecting or to create the illusion of a large database of attractive romantic possibilities? Regardless, it’s frustrating, and I wanted y’all to know so you could be on the lookout. It’s a hard enough gig to find right connection without having to worry about deception and scams.

Also, while I’m looking at this from the female-seeking-male end of the spectrum, I have to assume that if it’s happening in my realm, it’s happening in other realms too.

Final Thoughts

This experience has reinforced my belief in how important a good Profile Summary is. A profile lacking a Summary is at best an example of someone who’s either too lazy or whose profile is still under construction. At worst, it’s a fake profile–a scam, a bot, or AI.

So, at this point, a profile sans Summary presents as somewhat suspicious. By weeding out profiles with no Profile Summary, you can insulate yourself from this at some level. And the more pictures on the profile, the better indication that the person is real.

Be careful, and good luck out there!

Looking at Dating Profiles: Communication Clues

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Online dating is very much the norm these days, and to that end, anyone who’s serious about finding romantic relationship should take their online dating profile seriously. A dating profile is akin to a professional resume–both are about finding the right fit and involve marketing oneself well. When looking at dating profiles, frame it as looking at someone’s romantic resume and use that information purposefully to determine whether they’re worth further consideration.

In my last post, I outlined some look-fors to help determine potential compatibility. Here, we’ll look at what someone’s communication style reveals about them. Someone’s communication style can clue you in on their personality, and if someone provides an ample summary, it should allow you to discern a little about who they are.

A Conversational Tone

The best profile summaries come off as conversational in tone, as if the person is talking to you, not at you. Instead of just telling you things about themself, such a summary acts as an invitation to further conversation, and often leaves you curious to know more.

Years ago, Stanley’s profile left me feeling that way. He talked about himself and his interests, then ended his summary with, “And what about you?” It made me feel like he wasn’t just talking at me, but that he wanted to get to know me. We ended up dating for four years.

A profile that invites conversation is a sign that the person isn’t just selling themself, but considering you, and minus any red flags or major turnoffs, may be worth further consideration.

Who You Are vs. Who They Seek

Do they try to tell you who you are rather than tell you who and what they seek? These profiles usually say, quite literally, “You are….” Telling you who you are is a misguided attempt on their part to make you feel like they’re talking right to you and to give a sense of intimacy. In Stanley’s example, he didn’t tell me who I am, he asked who I am.

It’s okay for someone to have a sense of who they seek, but when someone goes on and on about the qualities that YOU are, they’re really kind of boxing you in as a person. You either fit in the box they provide or you don’t fit in their box from the get go. Personally, I find this a little off-putting. Let me be who I am, and wouldn’t they be lucky for the opportunity to learn me as a person?

More on Tone

The tone in which someone says something can be telling. Pay attention to whether someone’s summary reads in a particular kind of tone. If so, what kind of tone are they giving off? Is it warm? Inviting? Kind? Fun? Tongue-in-cheek? Aloof? Sarcastic? Smug?

What can you infer about the kind of person they are based on their tone? Is it a welcome tone, an off-putting tone, or a neutral tone?

Also consider whether they come off as either defensive or offensive. It’s easy to get jaded with online dating, but potential matches shouldn’t be taking it out on you–you haven’t done anything to them yet! If they’re putting a negative energy out from the get-go, then best to get going.

Voice

Do they have a unique voice or does their profile read like so many others? Some people just spit out facts about themselves: where they grew up; where they’ve lived; how many siblings/children they have; what their job is. Our lives are more than an accumulation of what we’ve done and where we’ve lived. Do they tell you only the facts or do they narrate their story with voice?

Humor

Do they tell jokes? If so, are the jokes canned or original? Are they sarcastic? Self-deprecating? Actually funny or not really? A person’s sense of humor can be either a turn-on or a turn-off depending on if it strikes your funny bone or misses.

Gimmicks vs. Creativity

Is their summary gimmicky? Creative? A gimmicky summary might be an attempt at originality, but gimmicks don’t always have a successful execution, particularly if someone is overly married to the gimmick. A truly creative personality isn’t confined by a gimmick, because they can communicate their uniqueness without a crutch.

CAPS, Emoji Speak, and LOL

Excessive use of CAPS, emoji speak, and lol (and similar social acronyms) gives off a very casual and unoriginal vibe, someone who trends on normal rather than someone who’s insightful and original. Overuse of CAPs can also feel like someone is yelling at you or doesn’t know how to tone it down. If that doesn’t bother you, then great, but if that’s a turnoff, then keep moving.

The False Apology

Are they falsely apologetic along the lines of, “Sorry no shitless pics, bathroom selfies, or fish photos…”? While it’s great that they don’t succumb to the non-obligatory photos that are oh-so cliché, the need to draw your attention to it in a sarcastic way is unnecessary. They still haven’t completely broken free from the cliché.

Clichés

Speaking of clichés, do they speak in clichés? Do they say things like, “Looking for a partner in crime…”? Maybe that’s a non-issue for you, but clichés are a sign of unoriginal, limited, and lazy thinking. By relying on clichés, a person is using words that other people have said over and over again rather than attempting to formulate and express their own thoughts and feelings. And if they’re actually looking for a partner in crime, are you interested in jail time?

Disclaimers

Do they have a disclaimer such as “Please read with the humor intended…” or “Not meant to insult”? If they have a disclaimer, then maybe they shouldn’t have posted the content they can’t lay claim to?

Disingenuousness

Are they disingenuous? I’ve seen both “JUST RELEASED FROM PRISON,” and “I live with my Mother. I am a near (sic) do well and con artist. I like to kick puppies, trip old ladies and make children cry…” The latter example continued at length. If they aren’t showing you who they really are, and they’re doing it in a very unfunny way, that’s two marks against them out of the gate.

Complaining

Do they complain? Worse, do they complain about their dating pool? A male example: “Trying to find a good woman is like tryin (sic) to nail Jello to a tree”.

A female example: “I constantly hear about how men expect the women they date to look like their photos and end up being disappointed upon meeting!!! I can assure y’all I look like mine! The question is…DO YOU LOOK LIKE YOURS?…” It continues, but you get the idea.

Dating is hard. Most of us have to deal with a fair amount of frustration and heartbreak along the way. However, taking that frustration and hurt out on people among whom they seek a potential mate is unproductive and shows poor coping skills. No bueno.

Final Thoughts

A proper dating profile summary provides ample information to help discern whether you might be compatible with someone. How a person communicates their information and who they are can be as telling as the information they provide. Be attuned to a person’s communication style so you can make an informed choice on whether or not they might be a good potential match.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might also appreciate it. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Discerning Authenticity

Looking at Dating Profiles: Information & Summary Look-fors

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Dating profiles are akin to a dating resume. In much the same way that an employer and a potential employee use the application and interview process to discern whether they’re a good professional fit for each other, a dating profile serves as an audition for potential romantic relationship. We can use the information provided in a dating profile much like an employer uses the information provided in a resume to discern whether the person might be a good fit and worth further consideration.

The first part of a dating profile that people generally look at is the photos. We can quickly process the visual information therein to gauge whether we find the person physically attractive or not, and if their profile is worth further scrutiny. Previously, I addressed how to look at profile photos more thoughtfully; here we’ll explore how to look at the other information in profiles with purpose.

Information is good. Information helps us better understand people and situations, allowing us to make more informed decisions. A good dating profile provides enough information to determine whether or not someone might be a good fit. It’s our job to use that information to discern whether someone is potentially a good match for us.

Look-For: Information is Provided

If There Isn’t Much Information

A dating profile is someone’s opportunity to provide you with information to help you discern whether they might be a good fit for you. If someone isn’t making the effort to provide you enough information to discern that, then they aren’t taking finding right relationship very seriously in the same way that someone with a paltry resume isn’t taking their job search seriously.

I personally find a profile with little information a turn-off, but if you’re still intrigued, that puts more of the onus on you to gather the information not provided. Do be mindful that some such profiles might be fake (especially if there’s only one extremely attractive photo). Alternately, it’s possible they might be hiding something. If you choose to proceed, be careful and make a point to ask questions and actively gather information.

More is More

The longer the Profile Summary and the more thoroughly questions are answered on a dating profile, the more indicative it is that they have something to say and can make interesting conversation rather than stumble for words. I’d rather have conversation over dinner or drinks with someone who has something to say versus someone who doesn’t.

Along those lines, if someone actively leads their profile off with, “I don’t know what to write,” that’s enough for me to move along. Can you imagine answering a job interview question with, “I don’t know what to say?” Probably not going to go over well as a professional move, and for a dating profile not compelling. Romantically, aren’t we all looking for someone we do find compelling?

What that compelling looks like will be different for each of us, but a profile should ideally give us enough information to get a general sense of the kind of person they are–intellectual, adrenaline junkie, world traveler, fashionista, sports fan, sarcastic, cinephile, etc. If it doesn’t, then they are actively making it difficult for potential matches to discern interest and compatibility.

Look-for: Compatibility

When you find a profile that you find intriguing, that’s great! Don’t we all want someone who draws us in and stimulates our interest? But, take a further look, to ensure whether you’re potentially compatible.

Complement vs. Copy

A person doesn’t need to be your copy to be compatible. On the Seinfeld episode where Jerry falls for Janeane Garofalo’s character, who’s so much like himself, by the end of the episode she’s driving him bananas.

The trick is to find balance–someone who you have enough in common with to be compatible, and who’s differences complement you rather than put you off. What differences do you find attractive, which can you be neutral about, and which are off-putting?

If someone’s a night owl and you’re a morning person, that’s probably manageable. But if you have an active outdoor lifestyle and they’re sedentary that might be problematic. Myself, I’m not handy whatsoever, so I really appreciate a man who is! When reading profile summaries, pay attention to what qualities complement you, which are neutral for you, and which simply don’t make sense in your life.

Values

Besides habits, hobbies, and lifestyle, another important consideration in compatibility is values. Values can be religious/spiritual, political, social, philosophical, environmental, or civic in nature. If your core values are in opposition to a romantic partner, that’s not a good recipe for success. When looking at profile summaries, keep in mind whether the person shares your core values, seems simpatico or open-minded, or is coming from a drastically different place.

Look-for: Personality

When you’re reading a profile, be mindful of personality cues to help you discern the kind of person someone is and whether or not they might be a good fit for you.

Normal or Not

Do you want someone average or someone with more personality? Some people find normal comforting, but If you want someone with more personality, then pay attention when reading a profile to whether it stands out in some way or reads like so many others.

Some people are helpful with discerning this by disclosing some version of, “I’m just a normal guy.” If someone tells you they’re normal, average, or ordinary, believe them. And if you want more than that, keep moving.

Personality Qualities

When reading someone’s Profile Summary, think about what personality qualities come to mind. Do they strike you as intellectual? Humorous? Introverted? Confident? Kind? Pompous? Anxious? Creative? What aspects of their summary are giving you that impression? The more specific you can be about naming the personality quality you’re picking up on and the evidence of that quality in their profile, the better you can get a sense of who the person behind the profile is.

Self-Awareness

Along with being able to find the words to write about oneself comes self-knowledge. Do they seem to have a self-awareness? Or do they need to rely on their friends for descriptors of who they are?

Match suggests people to ask their friends how the friends would describe them to help people find the words to write their Profile Summaries. Perhaps that’s a non-issue for you, but it may be worth considering if you want someone who already knows themself well enough to tell you who they are without that crutch.

Myself, it’s not a dealbreaker, but it is a bit of a turn-off when someone needs the help of their friends to express themselves–a little middle school, a “tell so-and-so I like them” kind of vibe.

Look-for: Red Flags

When reading a profile keep an eye out for any red flags. If red flags are already popping up in their Profile Summary, that’s an indication of a behavior that’s not going to go away.

Defensive and Offensive Behavior

A Profile Summary is someone’s opportunity to attract potential matches. If someone is already on the defensive or offensive in their Profile Summary, they’re revealing that as part of their personality.

For example, “Please…get rid of the filters. Put your clothes on, put your tongue back in your face, stop flipping off the camera, and please post pictures that are least (sic) recent and clear.”  

Now, while his complaints may have some legitimacy, his profile is not the place to air his frustration (A bartender, friend, or therapist would be a more appropriate outlet.). Dude is on the offensive before even making a connection. He’s berating women who aren’t necessarily guilty of the offense, simply based on his past experience. No bueno. I don’t want to be blamed for his ex’s mistakes. Do you? He clearly has some self-work to do.

Now, imagine being in a relationship with someone who when you have a disagreement, their go-to communication style is to go defense or offense rather than have a respectful discussion. Would you rather be with someone who wants to play on the same team or on opposing sides?

Peacocks

They may be a very accomplished and intriguing person, but be mindful of whether they’re peacocking. If they’re actively bragging, they may have ego issues. Narcissists don’t make good romantic partners.

The Ex

Do they mention their ex? This is their introduction to potential future romantic partners, if they lead with talk about their ex, one has to wonder if they have adequate emotional distance. Talk of exes can come later as you get to know each other and each other’s histories. If their ex is forefront enough on their mind for them to mention him/her in their pitch, that’s a little problematic.

Look-for: That Spark of Interest

If the profile has limited information, it’s difficult to discern personality and feel much of a spark of interest. But if there’s ample information, you should be able to discern whether or not you’re interest is piqued enough to explore them as a potential match.

Reading the profile, does it make you curious about them? Raise questions that you’d be interested to hear the answers to? Wonder what it would be like to be with them? Curious to know more? Do they seem like someone dinner conversation would be easy and/or stimulating with?

Does anything about the profile make you smile? Laugh? Someone who has the capacity to do that’s pretty special and worthy of further consideration.

Final Thoughts

A person’s dating profile is akin to a professional resume. It’s their opportunity to show you who they are to help you discern whether they might be a good relationship fit. It’s up to you to use the information that a potential match provides to help you discern whether they’re a connection worth further investigation or if it’s a mismatch out of the gate.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Communication Clues

Profile Pictures: Tips on Taking Good Profile Photos

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Your profile pictures are the first (and possibly only) thing that potential matches will look at it. You want your profile pictures to be effective so they aren’t the only thing that potential matches look at.

In my last two posts, I went over some dos and don’ts of profile pictures. If you feel like you don’t have a lot of good current photos, no worries! We’ll generate some! Here are some tips for taking good photos:

Taking Good Selfies

These are your headshots, or close-ups, so that potential matches can get a good idea of what you look like. The right selfie makes a great primary profile picture.

You don’t need a mirror to take a selfie, and I discourage bathroom selfies altogether. You want your photos to be effective, flattering, and to stand out to potential matches. A bathroom selfie isn’t “obligatory.” Rather, it comes off as trite and tacky. Just because a lot of people are doing it, doesn’t mean it’s obligatory, nor that you should do it. Better to be classy.

To take a selfie without a mirror, you’ll want the front-facing or selfie mode on your smartphone. If you don’t already know how to do this, simply google “front-facing camera” with your type of phone for guidance on how to access this mode.

I have a friend Dan, who when he posts selfies to Facebook, the image is always reversed–I can tell because the writing is always backward. My phone camera doesn’t do this, but if yours does and you want to flip the image so it looks correct, simply google “flip image” or “reverse image” with the type of smartphone you have for guidance on how to do this. You should also be able to go into the settings on your phone to turn off the “mirror” function.

When taking a selfie, consider your surroundings. You want the image to be inviting, not underwhelming (think: no car or bathroom selfies). If you’re inside, for instance, make sure that your background isn’t cluttered. Likewise, I have a picture of myself on a beach that I really like, except there’s a trash can in the picture that I find distracting (Admittedly, I have a strong visual aesthetic). I can’t look at that picture without seeing the trash can. Show yourself in an inviting context. Make potential matches think, “I can visualize myself in their pictures!” Are they going to think that if you’re dancing around a trash can?

Photo DON’T: I love the light in this photo and I’m at the beach! But I’m also dancing next to a trash can. Not the beach picture I posted on my profile.

To take the selfie, extend your arm, keeping it as much out-of-frame as possible. Position the camera/phone at an angle slightly above your head for a more flattering photo. Smile naturally, and start clicking away! Take several photos, experimenting with altering the angle of the camera, the angle of your head, and variations on your smile. By taking several photographs with slight variations you generate options from which you can choose the best one. Once you do, upload!

Photo: Notice how the man is holding the camera…his arm is extended with the camera slightly above his head. And what a nice smile he has. I bet it’s a great selfie! He’s a bit young for me though.

Take selfies on different days and in different settings, to generate several selfies to give potential matches a consistent idea of how you look across time and place.

Another selfie option is to use the camera on your computer. If you try this option, angle yourself and the computer for a flattering shot–unlike your phone you can’t easily angle your computer above your head. But, just like with your phone camera, do consider your surroundings, and take several pictures playing with variations on your smile and the tilt of your head. Choose the best one, and upload!

Photo: Here’s a photo that I took with my computer camera at a hotel room in Boston. Not bad, but I could’ve smiled more.

Taking a full-body shot

Full body shots are an important part of your dating profile because they give potential matches an idea of your body type. Your carriage can either be a detriment or a draw, depending on whether you appear awkward, poised, or confident. Let’s make it work in your favor!

One possibility for taking a full-body shot is to have someone else take it for you. My youngest son is good at doing this for me. He even knows to take several photos so I can select the best one–Momma likes to look pretty!

For a full-body shot, you want to stand tall without looking stiff. Your whole body is posing for the camera–use that to your advantage! In modeling school, I learned to pose with one leg slightly in front of the other, a simple and nice looking pose for a woman. I also think it looks nice to have one hand on my thigh.

Photo: Here’s the sequined dress photo again. This time notice how I have my weight on one leg, and the other leg is slightly bent and more forward for a soft look.

Photo: For men, a classic look is putting more of your weight on one foot for a comfortable and relaxed look, with one hand in a pocket. Notice that his forward leg isn’t bent like mine.

These are starting points, not rigid rules. Get comfortable–play around with your pose, your smile, and your body and head angles. Again, generate several photographs, then choose the best one.

If you don’t have someone to take your photograph, you can use the timer setting on your camera phone. Get familiar with it. Mine has settings for 3 seconds and 10 seconds. I like the ten second option. It gives me plenty of time to walk across the room in my sequined dress and heels, turn around, strike my pose, and smile. Yes, the sequined dress photo was done by me with the ten second timer on my phone camera!

Something you’ll need to be mindful of if you use the timer option, is where to position your phone. I have a bookshelf in my living room that I use. The third shelf is the right height for a flattering angle on a full body shot and I can lean the phone against the books. Consider a space where you have a flattering background for pictures, and somewhere to lean the phone for a flattering angle.

Some final words…

Keep in mind that you oughtn’t be following these tips for every single photo that you’re in, they’re simply tips on how to generate effective photos for your dating profile. While you’re out and about living your life, take some photos, and if you generate some that seem like a good fit for your dating profile, upload them!

This is my final post in the profile photo series. Hopefully, you found some useful tips. Good luck out there!

Up Next: When a (Wo)Man Tells you their Truth, Believe them

Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts: Some Photo Basics

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Dating is tough. The dating scene today is completely different than it was before I married. Back then, you met people through experience or connections. Today, the best bet is a dating app. My app of choice is Match and I’ve met some incredible men this way, though to-date (double-entendre, wink), none of these connections has manifested as the long-term partnership I desire. But the kind of man I’m looking for is out there, it’s just a matter of finding them, and hoping that one of them will be willing to do the work and enjoy the fun of a relationship with me.

To find the kind of match you’re seeking, it’s important to have a dating profile that represents and markets you well–honestly, favorably, and effectively. You are the product. You want your profile to stand out and to draw attention…in a good way, of course. And I’m here to help with that.

The first thing you notice about a profile is the photos. You want your photos to work like an effective book cover–to draw your audience in and make them curious in reading about you. When I’m looking through profiles I can click through them quickly based solely on the photos. If I don’t feel any potential sexual attraction to the primary profile picture, why would I linger? I click through quickly until I find a primary photo that gives me pause–one where I find them immensely attractive, or attractive enough that I want more information. So, how to market yourself to potential matches and get them to pause on your profile? Here are some basic do’s and don’ts:

Do: Have photos

I wish this could go without saying. Hopefully, if you’re savvy enough to be reading my blog (wink), then you understand this, but there are still profiles out there without pictures. On a dating website, an environment where physical attraction plays a significant role (I won’t read the profile bio if I don’t find the photos attractive.), I can only reason that this is fear-based (i.e., lack of self-confidence, anxiety) or the individual has something to hide and therefore remains hidden.

If you do have some anxiety about dating, that’s normal. Dating is hard, and has plenty of ups and downs. But if you’re interested in finding a match, you need to face down that fear. Fear will control as much of your life and happiness as you allow it. If you want the potential happiness of a match, you need to risk the potential pain of rejection. We’re all putting ourselves out there. You can do this and I’m here to help!

Do: Smile and be natural

Generally speaking, you want to be smiling in your photographs. It’s warm and inviting, and that’s what you want to be when potential matches are looking at you.

If a man isn’t smiling in his primary profile photograph, I usually won’t look any further. He’s selling a grim tale; I’m looking for a rom-com. The one exception to this is the occasional pensive photograph–I’m a sucker for intellectuals.

Do: Have your primary profile picture be a clear head shot

Your primary profile photograph is your most important picture, because it’s your lead. It should be a clear head shot so that potential matches can get a good idea of what you look like. This is not the place for a full body shot or to show yourself suited up for skiing or biking with your helmet on. Those pictures are great to have in your profile, but not as your primary photo. It’s annoying going through profiles and getting to a primary photo where I can’t tell what the guy really looks like. Consider this, if you looked at a book cover and couldn’t read the title, would you be interested in reading the book?

Above: My current primary profile picture.

Do: Have current photos

For the most part, the photos on my dating profile were all taken in the last year and a half. They accurately represent what I look like now. I’ve become skilled at discerning when a man is showing out-of-date photos or lying about his age, and it’s a real turn-off. Be better.

My oldest photo is from three years ago. I wouldn’t keep a profile picture much older than that without a good reason. A few years ago, I dated a retired astronaut/test pilot. In his profile he had an old picture of himself with one of his experimental aircraft and another of him in his astronaut flight suit. That was both a major accomplishment and an important part of his identity. Admittedly, it was also pretty hot. So, are you a former Olympian? Have you rung the opening bell of the NYSE? Share that special picture. But unless it’s really special, a profile isn’t where I want to see pictures that are several years old. Save it for when you’re getting to know someone. By then, you’ve already got their attention.

Photo: Another clear head shot, taken a just few weeks ago, giving a potential match a consistent idea of what I look like, across place and time. It also shows me dressed up, and that I’m fond of cocktails and sushi.

My oldest profile photo is a full-length picture of myself in a sequined minidress and heels. I keep that picture in for now because it gives viewers a good sense of my body type and shows off my legs, and it’s important to have some full length photos so that potential matches can get a sense of your body type. Market yourself honestly, but well. Make sure that the you in the photos is the you that will show up on a date. Surprises and false advertising will catch up with you later. You want your connections to be pleased, not disappointed.

Photo: The sequined dress! A full body shot that shows off my legs and that I like to dress up. As this photo is a few years old, I’ll probably remove it in the near future, but not until I have another photograph that serves the same purpose. Look closely–there’s still a tag on the dress! No one ever notices the tag…

Do: Have a minimum of 5-8 photographs

You want potential connections to have enough information about how you look across place and time so that they can get a solid sense of what you look like and whether they find you physically attractive. I usually have at least eight photographs; currently, I have fourteen. I share some, but not all of them here.

Don’t: Do a photo session

If you’re feeling like you don’t have enough current photographs, don’t panic, and don’t fall into the temptation to have a photo session to generate several photos at once. This comes off as artificial and contrived, or as a friend of mine once put it, “Like a JCPenney catalogue.”

You want your potential matches to see you in your natural element across place and time. So, if you feel you’re lacking flattering current photographs, make a point of addressing this. When you’re out in your life doing the things you enjoy, take some selfies or have a friend take some full body shots of you. I always take multiples, then select the best one. As you get some good photos, upload them to your profile. It doesn’t need to happen all at once if you don’t have enough photos right now.

Do: Have a good mix of close-ups and full-body shots

You want to give potential matches a good sense of what you look like, no surprises. This should include both clear pictures of your face as well as full-body shots to represent your body type. Different people are attracted to different types; you deserve someone who finds you attractive for who you are. Represent yourself honestly. No filters, no blurry pictures.

I’m an attractive woman, but I’m not to every man’s taste. I’m white, slender, tall, brunette, leggy, and nearsighted (I wear glasses). For men who are drawn to those attributes, I’m a fine specimen of a woman at 52. But there are many things I’m not, including buxom. I have my curves, but a man whose preference is for an hourglass figure probably isn’t going to be drawn to me physically. And, that’s okay. I want someone who appreciates me for the gorgeous me I am. You deserve the same, so put your best you out there!

Photo: Another full body shot to show consistency of my body type across time and place. This one shows me undertaking a home project. Handy isn’t a comfortable part of my range but as a single homeowner it is within my range. Sort of. This photo also shows me very casually dressed. I can go from short-shorts and a tank to a sequined dress (though I’d probably shower in-between)!

Do: Have a good mix of you in different settings

I get excited when I find a profile of an attractive man with a photograph of him hiking (I love to hike!) and another of him in a tuxedo (Yummy!). Two totally different settings, but they’re both me. I enjoy dressing to the nines in a cocktail dress and five inch heels; but I also love hiking in my tank, shorts, and Tevas. I have range. If you do too, represent that range in your photographs. Show yourself doing a range of activities you enjoy (i.e., travel, hiking, sports, kayaking, a museum, fine dining, etc.); and show yourself in both a casual setting (i.e., hiking) and a more formal setting (i.e., my sequined dress). Demonstrate your approachability and down-to-earthness (That’s if you are down-to-earth.), but also that you can kick it up a notch to go out (i.e., you don’t wear pajamas all the time….If you are wearing pajamas when you leave the house, please see my Contact Me page–we need to talk.).

Above: A close-up photo of me hiking this summer near Telluride.

To the side: A full body shot at the Hirshhorn Art Museum last summer. Admittedly, it’s my least clear profile photo as I’m being playful with the mirrors. It’s one of Yayoi Kusama’s infinity rooms, and my visual joke. This one is titled “Phalli’s Field.” Laura surrounded by a bunch of phalli–seemed apropos for my Match profile.

These two pictures illustrate my range–close-up of me hiking in casual clothes; full body shot in a sundress at an art museum.

Don’t: Do “obligatory” photographs

If you feel tempted to upload a photograph because it’s obligatory, don’t. This includes: fish photos; bathroom selfies (No bathroom selfies, please, don’t do it! You really can do better.); motorcycle photos; car selfies (You can do better!); gym selfies, and shirtless photos (I’m talking to the men here…I’m assuming the ladies are refraining or censored.).

Now, this isn’t to say you shouldn’t include any of the examples above, but don’t do them because you think they’re obligatory; they’re not. Be intentional. Stand out; don’t blend in. If you have a motorcycle, gym, or fishing photo, it should be because you enjoy those activities. And if that’s the case, then great, post one, but choose one good one, because you still want to show the range of who you are. If you have a shirtless photo (Again, I’m speaking to the men here.) it shouldn’t be for the sake of having a shirtless photo, but because, for instance, you enjoy the beach and you have a good picture of yourself shirtless on the beach (and you look good shirtless). But again, you only need one. Don’t kill it. Show your range.

You’re doing great!

If you’ve got the basics mastered and didn’t learn anything new, then congratulations and well done!

If you had most of this covered already but picked up a new thing or two, you’re doing great and I’m glad you got a takeaway!

If several basics are new considerations, don’t worry! Address them gradually as you’re able and hopefully you’ll see a good payoff as a result.

If you’re new to all of this and it seems overwhelming, it’s okay. You can do this, and I’m here to help!

If you’re happily partnered and are reading this anyway, then I’m pleased that you find my writing so enchanting (wink)! And please…send those of us in the dating trenches some positive energy!

If you’re unhappily partnered and reading this, I’m going to leave that alone.

Stay tuned! More profile and photo dos & don’ts to come…