That first spark of interest with a new romantic connection is exciting–it’s full of potential and the possibility of what might be. It’s hopeful. While age and experience may temper this excitement somewhat (I have both), it doesn’t dilute it altogether. I may not plunge headlong and heartlong into connections at this point, but I’m still an emotional being. Experience gives me pause, but I still feel. I still hope.

As someone who dates long distance, I have to really like a guy to go to the effort of arranging a rendezvous. Recently, a man piqued my interest enough to make that effort, and I want to share that experience to illustrate why it’s important to manage your expectations when you’re just getting to know a potential romantic partner.

You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

The Larger Context

When you’re just getting to know someone, you don’t know what you don’t know about them yet. In the beginning of any relationship, there are still a lot of question marks hanging out there. Getting answers to question marks and learning about someone who piques your interest can be fun and exciting. It can also tug you further in with the pull of attraction.

But, sometimes you learn things that give you pause, turn you off, or are flat-out unsavory. And you don’t know those things until you know them. Some of those unknowns might be neutral qualities, some might be that person’s particular human flaws (We all have them.), some might be think-abouts (As in think about whether you can live with it.), and some might be outright dealbreakers.

An Old Example

Years ago, as a recent divorcée and new-again to dating, I briefly dated Jack. There were things I liked about him, but there were definitely some question marks. The more I got to know him, the more some of the question marks nagged me. Some things simply weren’t making sense–if he was a successful businessman, why couldn’t I find his business on Google?

There was a good answer to that question. I couldn’t find him on Google because he had something to hide. As it turned out, he’d lied to me about his name. He also failed to mention that he was a scam artist and on probation.

To get the answers to Jack’s question marks, I had to do some serious internet digging. And while I didn’t like the answers I found, I was glad to have them. The answers gave me the information I needed to put Jack Ashe in the rearview mirror. Ideally, I’d have learned that information before I went out with him, but it was a good lesson for me to learn early in my dating journey.

Be Mindful

As interesting, attractive, or promising as the person/connection may seem initially, early on we lack knowledge of much of their context, background, and behavior. This is something that’s learned with time, observation, and experience. It’s important to be mindful of what we don’t know, and to manage our expectations accordingly.

That said, it’s not always easy–hope and emotions can trip us up at any age and with any amount of experience. As recently as last summer, I found myself gobsmacked by the unknown. I’d spent well over a dozen hours on the phone with R before meeting him, yet when we spent a long weekend together, I was completely caught off guard and discombobulated by his verbal aggressiveness, leaving me with a lot to process.

A Recent Example

There were plenty of things that piqued my interest about Dean’s profile–he’s attractive; he’s a good writer; he’s intellectual; he’s witty; he has a good sense of style. When we got off platform, his intellect and humor were further borne out. He’s a good flirt too, which was fun and enticing.

Through our conversations, I further gleaned that he’s kind and compassionate. So, good human being, check. But, would he be a good romantic partner? I didn’t have that information yet. Because of my past experience, I was very cognizant that I was still learning him and that I didn’t know what I didn’t know about him yet.

Because of that, while my interest was piqued enough to get to learn some of the unknowns, I knew it was important to manage my expectations and keep any hope in check while exploring the connection. So, we arranged a rendezvous that we might get to know each other better. And, to best answer some of the unknowns while getting to know someone, it’s important to be intentional about gathering information.

Gather Information

The reason to gather information isn’t to be judgmental or snoopy, but rather to get a better sense of a person and to discern whether they’d be a good fit as a romantic partner.

How to Gather Information

Initially, it’s a good idea to gather information by doing a Google search to verify that they are who they say they are. After the experience with Jack Ashe, I learned to do the Google search BEFORE meeting someone in person, so if there’s anything wonky or questionable, I find out early.

Another way to gather information is through the person themself. People are always giving us information through their words and their behavior. It’s our job to pay attention to what people say and do to help us understand them better. Also, it’s important to note whether someone’s words and behavior match–if they don’t, that’s problematic!

The Recent Example

Planning

When Dean and I were scheduling a rendezvous, we originally chose a weekend on the tail end of a week when I was already in Colorado, planning that he’d fly out and meet me there. Plan A.

But, his mother decided that would be a good weekend to spread his father’s ashes. “Oh my goodness, I’m sorry,” I said.

“It’s okay. He died three years ago,” Dean replied. Okay then. So we made a Plan B, and moved up our plans by two weeks. Different weekend; different location. He made the necessary arrangements, but didn’t share the details until I asked.

Then some events came up that same weekend (Plan B) that he wanted to participate in. Could we tweak the dates a little bit? So, Plan C. Same weekend, same location, but slightly different dates. By tweaking the dates, it meant that I had to pack on Tuesday instead of Wednesday (It was already late Monday night.), as I would need to drive out Wednesday. Tuesday I had social plans, but I managed to get a bag packed between engagements.

Tuesday night, Dean called to give me some news. He’d won a professional award and needed to do media and attend an event that same weekend. I offered my congratulations, and we rescheduled our rendezvous. Plan D is a return to Plan A (Colorado). Off the phone, I unpack.

A few days before I leave for Colorado, Dean mentions via text that he bought a ticket to fly out, something that he hadn’t discussed with me beforehand. Knowing that he has a full day of work, I simply ask him if he could email me his flight itinerary. He doesn’t. However, he does call after eleven that night, informing me that he doesn’t think the rendezvous is such a good idea after all.

I couldn’t help but laugh, it all seemed so ridiculous. He didn’t think it was a good idea. “Really,” I laughed, “And why is that?”

“Because of our conversation last night,” he replied.

The Conversation

To my mind, the conversation was an intellectual discussion. I said something. He said something about what I said. Without disagreeing entirely, I replied that I thought the situation was more nuanced than he allowed for and explained why.

I wasn’t aggressive. My voice wasn’t raised. I wasn’t trying to win an argument. I didn’t even see it as an argument. Nor was I trying to make him feel bad or wrong. I was simply trying to offer him a think-about.

The Takeaways

Although Dean remains an interesting, intellectual, funny, good human being, between the planning experience and the fallout of our conversation, I was completely at peace with the conclusion of our connection. I’d gathered all the information I needed to understand that this match wasn’t going to work for me.

Regarding planning, I learned that he was hard to make a plan with, a little flaky, and that I couldn’t count on him to show up. That’s frustrating in any relationship, but in a long distance relationship, if you can’t make a plan, that’s problematic.

I also learned that he’s not a great communicator. He didn’t communicate with me about booking details beforehand. And, after he’d made arrangements, he didn’t give me any details until I asked and sometimes not even then.

Regarding the conversation, it doesn’t bode well if we can’t have different viewpoints on an intellectual discussion without it becoming a big deal. What if we had a truly serious issue to contend with in a relationship? How would we be able to compromise, problem-solve, and resolve conflict if we couldn’t handle negotiating a minor disagreement?

So, while I was intrigued enough to arrange a rendezvous with Dean, in the end, I got the information I needed to see that our connection was flawed without ever meeting him at all.

Final Thoughts

Early on in the life of a romantic connection can be exciting, but be careful to manage your expectations while you’re getting to know someone. Gather information about them to get to know them better, protect yourself (Beware of the scam artists!), and discern whether they’re a good match for you.

Good luck out there!

P.S. I’m pleased to announce that I’m now doing video content! If you’re interested, you can follow my YouTube channel. You can also watch the video content related to this post (Below, if you are receiving this as a newsletter). Thanks for your support!

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