To truly open yourself to love requires emotional vulnerability: taking an emotional chance on someone, investing your feelings with them knowing that there’s a possibility, that in doing so, you might get hurt. We know this, yet we take that chance. We take that chance because human connection, Love, is the most precious part of being human. Opening your heart to someone, to the possibility of Love, is a brave Hope move. Witnessing the preciousness of another human being, and the feeling of being precious in their eyes, is worth that risk. But it is a risk. And sometimes that risk ends in hurt and disappointment if the connection is broken off.
That recently happened to me.
We can’t avoid the fallout when it happens, nor should we try, but we can be intentional about managing our disappointment and hurt feelings. Here’s my attempt to do so.
The Draw
My connection with Jon is the best new possibility that I’ve had in quite a while. We had enough common ground to make us compatible and enough differences to make it interesting. We had a comfortable, but fun and flirty banter. Any awkwardness was inviting, not unsettling. Our connection was intellectually stimulating. And not insignificantly, he made me laugh. Unlike some of my other recent connections, I liked him enough to actively flirt and encourage him, adding momentum to the connection on my end.
He also showed up regularly, giving our connection further momentum. We’re separated by distance, but we communicated in some form–text, phone call, FaceTime–almost daily for a couple of months. We were getting to know each other, opening our lives to each other. And as I learned Jon, I continued to want to learn him better. I started to care about him.
The Drawback
But, of course, for all the draw of the connection, each connection has its drawbacks too, that’s the nature of our flawed humanity.
The Veiled Truth
Jon is somewhat guarded. He has a way of saying something in a roundabout way so that I wasn’t always totally clear on what he was saying–a funny thing in a writer. And he’s a good writer, thus his lack of straightforwardness, his choice of words, is intentional. It was as if there was a veil over much of what he shared–I could make out the shape of what he was saying, but the full picture was obscured, purposefully so.
Or sometimes he’d tell me a generality about himself without filling in the details, leaving his full truth murky even as he revealed himself. So, he doesn’t let people in quickly. Fair, I thought; trust is earned. As long as we continued to explore our connection, I expected he’d reveal more of himself, as happens in all relationships. His reveal, the lifting of the veil, was just a little slower than most.
Our Digital Nature
Due to geographical distance, our interactions were via technology. He said, “I’ve never had a digital relationship.” I made clear that I wasn’t looking for a purely digital relationship, that it was a means of getting to know each other as we discerned whether we wanted to close the distance with an in-person rendezvous.
As we got to know each other better, I deemed him plane-worthy. I threw out the idea of planning a rendezvous if/when he was interested in doing so. He was hesitant, as someone who’s naturally guarded would be…
The Denouement
I saw the end coming. Within a week he went from tossing out the word “love” (in a roundabout way, of course) to fewer and briefer texts–no phone calls or FaceTimes. Knowing that he’d been going through a lot, I gave him some grace, but when I texted, “How are you?” and he responded, “Great!” I knew whether or not his response was honest (I suspected it was somewhat disingenuous.), that was it. He wasn’t just going through something, the momentum had shifted.
As a week or more went by with no communication, it further clarified the ending. Admittedly, I was depressed about it. To his credit, he did finally call because, as he said, “I didn’t want to be an asshole and ghost you.” He certainly waited long enough for me to get the idea before he called, but Jon isn’t an asshole. I never thought he was, or I wouldn’t have liked him so much, and the fallout wouldn’t have been as hard.
Dealing with the Disappointment
While the denouement of our connection was disappointing, I wasn’t blindsided. I was mindful of Jon’s issues, and I noticed the shift in communication. This awareness served to keep my eyes open to our current reality as it evolved. Though the fallout still hurt, the blow of it was lessened somewhat because I saw it coming. Keep this in mind in your own experience--by truthing out the reality of your connection as it evolves over time, you’re more emotionally prepared for any disappointments.
Beware Hope
It’s possible that I could hear from Jon again, sometimes things like that happen. I’ve had that happen with other men, but I can’t invest any hope that will happen with Jon. And even if he does show up in my future, I can’t expect his guarded nature to change. I must accept this conclusion to our connection.
Honor Your Feelings
For the better part of a week, I was depressed as I processed the fallout of our connection. Functional, but sad. We hadn’t been connected for an extended amount of time, we’d never defined our connection as an exclusive relationship, we’d never met, but I’d grown fond of him. I had hope for us. I don’t invest Hope easily these days, and letting go of that hope and connection was hard. And while it was the lost hope of Jon in the specific, it was also the generalized hurt of being let down by so many men across time. The truth is I felt like I needed to cry a little, but the tears weren’t there.
It’s healthy to allow yourself to feel your feelings honestly and without suppresion, even when it’s hard. So, I allowed myself to feel–to grieve as much as I needed to while moving forward as much as I could. And in this emotional space, I watched a video of artist Marina Abramovic performing The Artist is Present, a piece where she’d sit across from complete strangers in silence, with eye contact, for a full minute. In the video, Ulay, her former lover and collaborator, shows up and sits down across from her. Witnessing the emotional intensity of their connection, my tears finally came.
Walk it Out
Physical movement helps me work through strong emotions. The day I told my ex to move out, I went for a long walk with a friend to process the situation. During the divorce, when I was angry, I’d go for a run and pound out my anger on the pavement, my legs like pestle to the sidewalk’s mortar. Whether a calming walk or a more intense physical activity, physical movement can give you space to process emotions, as well as a physical outlet for them. And research shows that physical exercise has mental health benefits.
These days, I’m an avid walker–I usually walk four to six miles a day at a minimum. It’s an important part of my routine for both my physical and mental health. Walking with what’s on my mind and in my heart helps me process whatever’s preoccupying me. I take a little notebook with me when I walk so I can record any helpful insights I have.
As long as the weather’s nice, walking is also time I can spend outside in nature. Nature soothes some of my emotional turbulence–there’s a reason forest bathing is a thing. Nature also touches on the spiritual, something bigger than ourselves. It’s no surprise that spending time in nature is linked to better mental health.
Further, I like the simplictiy of walking. It doesn’t require any special equipment except comfortable clothes and a decent pair of sneakers. I don’t have to drive anywhere; I can just step outside my door and keep going. But, if walking isn’t your thing, you can do a form of exercise that makes sense to you. Whatever that physical workout is, you can use it to do double duty and help work out those emotionally tricky spaces as well.
Write it Out
Writing out my feelings and thoughts helps me sort through my internal processes by externalizing them. Years ago, writing it out might have looked like a journal entry. These days, it might look like a blog post (case in point) or an essay. But sometimes it’s as simple as a Word document to record and acknowledge my internal struggle. Often those notes in my walking notebook show up in a Word document or a blog post later. Notes about processing the fallout with Jon have shown up in that walking notebook, a Word document, and now this blog post.
Research shows that writing about personal struggles also has a positive impact on mental health. No worries if you don’t have a blog–try journaling, start a Word document, or carry a little notebook around with you. That Word document could even be thoughts to share with your therapist–I do that.
If you have words to express to another person and exorcise from your psyche, your writing could even take the form of a letter. And just because your write a letter, doesn’t mean you need to send it. You can write it to someone but for yourself. If sending it’s a bad karma move, then after you write it, burn it, archive it, or read it to your therapist or a friend. Depending on the intensity of your feelings and the relationship, you could even elevate the letter burning into a healing ceremony.
Talk it Out
On a particularly down day, I called my friend Jen. She’s a long-standing friend who I know genuinely cares about my well-being. I knew that I could unburden myself with her safely. It wasn’t a long conversation, but it allowed me to be heard and feel seen.
Importantly, Jen is someone who’ll listen without feeling the need to give advice or to try and put a positive spin on my situation. I can trust her to see my reality regardless of whether it contains sunshine or darkness. She’s comfortable with that level of authenticity. Talking to someone can help you feel less alone when you’re hurting, but make sure to choose someone who can authentically see you where you are without judgment, spin, avoidance, or advice (unless asked for). Those are the true friends.
Of course, the next time I see my therapist, I’ll go over my emotional and mental state with him as well. I don’t go to my therapist for advice, but insights. I want help expanding my thought process. When I go to therapy, I take notes. If I’m particularly troubled, sometimes I even write things out on a Word Document before a session to read to him later. I haven’t done this regarding Jon, but I do have a Word document where I record important parts of conversations with my therapist. I always take my laptop to therapy. In this way, any insights don’t evaporate into the air when I leave, but I have the opportunity to revisit them later.
Clean
Cleaning can be therapeutic. Lately, I’ve put some additional energy into mopping, organizing, and donating/throwing out clutter. The results are visible, thus rewarding, giving a sense of accomplishment.
Cleaning is an active task, inviting energy rather than inertia. Someone once told me that activity is the opposite of depression. That isn’t precisely true, but it holds some truth. Depression and inactivity have a strong correlation, and as I mentioned above, even small amounts of physical activity have proven mental health benefits.
Interestingly, houses have a loaded symbolism in the dream realm. They can represent anything from childhood and family to your own physical body or mental state, the latter being Jungian in nature. You ARE the house. The basement represents the most dark recesses of your psyche. Cleaning house can be therapeutic on a literal level, but it also hints at deeper meanings, reaching into, excavating, and cleansing aspects of your psyche.
Indulge in Things You Enjoy
While I don’t evade my feelings, I do sometimes need distraction from them. To that end, I make sure to participate in activities I enjoy. That doesn’t dissipate any sadness, but it does help counterbalance negative feelings to avoid sinking into them. Often that looks like Happy Hour at my favorite sushi place, where the bartenders know my drink on sight. In the fallout of Jon, I’ve also found myself indulging in binge watching films on the Criterion Channel (lots of film noir).
Art and travel are two other activities that feed my soul. When Jon faded out midsummer, I still had time for a getaway to lift my spirits before school started. I booked a hotel room in Kansas City to get a change of scenery, to take myself out for a nice dinner, and to visit the Nelson-Atkins Art Museum before resuming my routine. A positive distraction and final summer hurrah. Having something to look forward to on my calendar helps buoy my spirits. As part of that, I always try to have a next trip planned or in the planning stage.
Maybe you have a creative outlet–music, wordworking, painting, photography, etc.? Or maybe a physical outlet–rock climbing, bike racing, triathlon, basketball, soccer? Whatever feeds your soul, give it space so you don’t hunger.
Move Forward as You’re Ready
The length of time and depth of connection affects your readiness to move forward. David and I were in relationship for only a few months, yet I grieved the connection for several months. Stanley and I were involved for four years, but I grieved the connection only a couple of weeks–mostly because I grieved our relationship while I was still in it. I broke it off with Stanley five times in the final year of our relationship, slowly letting go of us over time. By the time our ending stuck, I was ready to move forward. With Jon, who I’d had regular communication but never met, I was ready to move forward by the end of the week.
Being ready to move forward didn’t mean that my sadness and disappointment were gone, just that my heart was available and open to the right man. Honestly, I haven’t put much energy into dating apps in the last year as I’ve had enough going on without them. With the fallout of Jon however, I’ve devoted more energy and time to Match than I enjoy (which these days looks a lot like hiding phony profiles), with the hope that it’ll lead me to my next good connection. After getting past the original disappointment, it energized me. If not Jon, then who? I only need one good connection to work out. So, for now, I’m putting effort into looking for that man.
Sometimes I have energy to put into the search for a romantic partner and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I’m emotionally available and sometimes I’m not. I go through phases, depending on my current emotional status and what’s happening in my life. And that’s normal. Read where you’re at emotionally, honor it, and move forward as you’re ready.
Final Thoughts
While writing this post has been a good therapeutic exercise for me, by sharing it in this space, my hope is that you find some useful takeaways. Disappointments happen. Life is full of obstacles. We can’t just brush the obstacles aside. Somehow, we must find our way around or through them.
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Take care of yourself, and good luck out there!
- Dating Disappointment: the Fallout of Connection
- Don’t Assume (or: See People for Who They Are)
- Relationship Values: How do you Feel?
- Q & A: Sexual Desire
- Zoom Out
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