Have you ever felt stuck in your dating life? Craved for things to be different? If so, you’re not alone.

There are all kinds of reasons we might feel dissatisfied with the way things are going and all kinds of reasons we may want to try something different. It’s okay to feel dissatisfied with the way thing are. The good news is, you can do something about it.

Different Phases

We go through different phases in our life, because we’re living through experiences and evolving as individuals. Things are happening to us, we’re making things happen, or maybe our lives are fairly static. Whatever our lived experience, we can’t help but respond to it in some way. Sometimes this response is a positive emotion, such as satisfaction and gratitude for the way things are going, but sometimes we have a more negative emotional response to our situation, such as disappointment, regret, or wistfulness.

The emotional reactions we have to our lived experience can in turn impact that experience itself. If you’re feeling sad about a break-up, you may not feel like dating for a while. Alternately, a break-up may feel liberating, and you may want to really put yourself out there. Your emotional response to the experience impacts how you feel about dating. For our purposes, I refer to these different feelings and experiences over time as Phases.

For Example

David and I had a strong connection from the beginning. When he broke it off, it completely blindsided me. Severely depressed, I didn’t date for almost a year. I had to grieve and come to terms with my new reality before I was ready to move on. The grief was one phase and being in a place where I was ready to put myself back out there was another phase.

My relationship with Stanley was more turbulent in general. In the last year of our relationship, I broke it off with him five times. By the time I was able to stick the landing, I’d already largely grieved the relationship and was ready to move on. Two weeks after the break up, I was back on Match. Actively committing to the relationship and trying to make it work was a phase; being willing to walk away from the relationship, but not sticking the landing was another phase; and sticking the landing of the break up and moving on was yet another phase.

Evolution over Time

Like the moon, we can be essentially the same, yet evolve with time. The woman I am today, is not the same as the woman I was when I started dating after my divorce. In the meantime, I’ve had experiences that have shaped me and that I’ve grown from. I’ve come into my own. I’ve evolved into a stronger more confident version of myself.

There are some men from my past who wouldn’t be a good fit for me today. While there was a reason I went out with them at the time, they don’t suit the woman who I’ve evolved to be.

And yet, I’m still the same me at my core–empath, lover, learner, English major, etc. I’m the same, but different. I’ve evolved over time much like the moon presents itself in different phases over time, yet the moon remains the same.

How have you evolved over time?

Other Factors

There are plenty of other factors that can influence how we’re feeling and responding to our experience at different points in time–health; financial well-being; professional experiences; personal relationships; family issues; social context; etc.

Personally, I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder. For me, this means that my mood and outlook can be very different in the late fall/winter than in the spring/summer months. My mood and outlook go through seasonal phases, much like the moon goes through phases over time.

How are the factors in your life currently affecting your outlook?

Matching Your Dating Strategy to Your Current Phase

To match your dating strategy to where you’re currently at, first you need to assess where you are and how you’re feeling. If you’re feeling good about the way things are going, then why shift strategies? However, if you’re feeling stuck or dissatisfied with how things are going, it’s worth considering how shifting your strategy might improve your outlook and experience.

Recently, my friend Evan told me that he’s gotten off Match. He said that the interactions he was having with women weren’t that interesting. He’s a public speaker, and, for now, he’s going to focus his energy on having an “I’m available” vibe at his events. It’s not the first time he’s shifted strategies to match where he’s currently at. And, it’s quite possible that he’ll find his way back to Match or some other dating platform in the future if “vibing” doesn’t work well for him.

If you’re dissatisfied with your current dating experience, why is that? What isn’t working in your present tense? What would you like to happen? How can you help that happen in ways that aren’t happening now?

Changing Up Your Strategy

There are several things you can do to change up your strategy, whether you’re looking to expand or refine your dating options.

Dating Platforms

If you aren’t already on a dating platform, try setting up a profile. These days, online dating is common, and there are lots of people out there to meet. This is an easy way to make new potential connections.

If you’re already on a platform, consider whether your profile is as effective as it could be. Are you adequately showcasing who you are both through photos and a biographical summary? Is it easy for potential connections to get a sense of your personality, lifestyle, and what you look like across time and place? If not, you might consider upgrading your profile.

If you’re just setting up or upgrading your profile, make sure to have several current photos, including both head shots and full-body shots. It’s important to also write a summary to go with your profile. The summary is how potential matches will get a sense of the kind of person you are and whether you might be a good potential match for them.

If you’re already on a platform and feel good about your profile, why not try a new platform? There are plenty of options out there, each with different strengths and weaknesses. Some platforms are tailored to broad audiences (i.e., Match, Plenty of Fish, Hinge) and others to a particular demographic (i.e., JDate, Farmers Only, Christian Mingle, Grindr). Try a new one that suits where you’re at.

Alternately, try a new tool on your current platform. My favorite tool on Match has been Discover, where based on my dating preferences, Match daily sends me profiles of potentially suitable matches. I go through the profiles to see if there’s anyone that piques my interest. However, when my daily discoveries went from 200 to 50, I started to make use of the Search tool as well as checking out the Highlights section.

Geographic Distance

Another way to change up your dating strategy is to consider altering your geographic search. By broadening your geographic search, you also broaden your pool of potential matches. Are you willing to consider dating someone a little further away to have a better opportunity at finding a good match?

How far you’re willing to expand your search, and the resulting payoff, may be dependent on where you live. In a cosmopolitan area, broadening it by 10 miles could give some good results. Broadening it by 50 miles could potentially have a huge impact.

For me, in Lincoln, Nebraska, 60 miles allows for the Omaha area to be part of my search. 500 miles allows for Kansas City, Denver, and Chicago to be included in my search. 1500 miles allows a search including all of the lower forty-eight states. Broadening my search to 1500 miles is something I did gradually over several years. As a result, I’ve met some fascinating men from across the country.

Some dating platforms that easily allow for a broader geographic search include Match, Elite Singles, Zoosk, and EHarmony.

Who You’re Willing to Consider

If you’re dissatisfied with the status of your dating life, it might be worth considering the type of people you’ve been dating. Are you willing to expand on your type to shake things up and explore new possibilities? Or alternately, do you need to consider narrowing your type to find more satisfactory matches?

You can consider expanding or narrowing your type as you sift through profiles, but you can also broaden or narrow your type by adjusting your search settings, such as:

• Age
• Height
• Body type
• Race/Ethnicity
• Education Level
• Religion/Faith

I’ve gone through phases where I was open to dating outside of my “type” to see if anyone surprised me. Inevitably, I tend to return to my default type because I find such men stimulating and attractive.

Ideally, you want to narrow your pool of possibilities enough that you’re satisfied with your matches, yet broaden your pool enough that you aren’t limiting yourself out of good possibilities. Who are you willing to potentially open yourself up to?

Alternative Ways to Meet People

Though we live in a time when online dating seems to be the norm, there are other ways to meet people. Consider whether you’re open to alternative ways to meeting potential matches other than an online platform. Look for and create opportunities to meet potential matches. Is there anything you could do to hep yourself that you aren’t currently doing? For example…

Ask a friend to set you up with someone

Recently, my friend Erik was introduced to someone by a friend. It went well, and they’ve been dating her for several weeks now. I hope to meet her sometime soon!

Several years ago, my friend Leah was reintroduced to someone. The chemistry flew and they married the following year.

Do you have any friends you trust enough to set you up? If so, ask if they know anyone you might be compatible with.

Singles Events

Have you tried any singles events? Do a Google search to see what’s available. Check for local Match and Facebook events. See if there are any speed dating opportunities in your area.

Get Out

Are you getting out of the house and doing things with some regularity? The more you get out of the house, the more opportunity you have to meet people. If you’re participating in activities and attending events you enjoy, you’re putting yourself in a social context where you’re surrounded by people with a similar interest.

My birthday is coming up. To celebrate, I’m going to Omaha’s Joslyn Art Museum. It’s something I’ll enjoy, and while I have no expectation of meeting someone, I’ll be in an environment with other people who also enjoy art. Years ago, I met Mac at the Musée d’Orsay in Paris. We chatted at the cafe over lunch, and ended up spending the next couple of days together. Keep yourself open to opportunity!

Go to events, take yourself to dinner, go listen to live music, join a club, participate in an activity–put yourself in a context where you’re doing something you enjoy and have the opportunity to meet likeminded people. If you meet someone you’re interested in and attracted to, flirt a little…or a lot!

Approach Someone You’re Drawn to

Unless you live in a remote are, you’re probably around people frequently, whether at the grocery store, on the trail, at a place of worship, in a museum, at a restaurant, or in an airport. While you’re out and about living your life, If you see someone who you’re drawn to and seems to be available, try to approach them.

If there’s any easy way to strike up conversation naturally, do so. If you’re at a restaurant, it could be, “How’s the salmon? It looks delicious.” At an art museum, perhaps something along the lines of, “Do you like Sol LeWitt’s (or whatever artist has a piece/exhibition there) work?”

If they seem receptive to conversation, let them know that they caught your eye. Say something specific and authentic, so it doesn’t come off as a line, such as “You have a lovely smile,” or “I like your jacket. It looks good on you. You have a great sense of style.”

If you do approach someone, be careful to read the signals they’re sending you, especially if you’re a man approaching a woman; women feeling safe is a legitimate concern. If your conversation seems unwelcome, be respectful and back off quickly and politely.

Time

How much time are you willing to devote to finding romantic possibility? If you want more to happen, try devoting more time to your search, going through online profiles, putting yourself out there, and communicating with potential matches.

Conversely, if you’re feeling burnt out, put that time into yourself! Do and pursue your curiosities and interests. When you’re ready to put more time into your romantic search, you’ll be that much more intriguing and evolved.

How much time are you willing to devote to limited romantic possibility? I’ve gone through phases where I’ve spent time engaging in flirtations with men I liked, even though I sensed there probably wasn’t a future for the connection. At such times, it was nice to have someone to talk to, even if it wasn’t going anywhere. And flirtations, even ones without a future, can be fun and affirming.

And yet, currently, my feeling is that I don’t want to waste my time (or someone else’s) if the connection doesn’t seem to have any real potential. Do you need to prioritize how much time you devote to limited possibility, or are you enjoying such interactions even if they may not have a future?

Final Thoughts

Wherever you are in your journey, whatever your phase, however evolved you’ve become, be mindful of where you are. By doing so, you can act with intention and in accordance with whatever makes the most sense for the phase you’re in at any given time. And if you’re ready for something more to happen, then try something different to help it happen.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Q & A–Intimacy without Commitment

• Zoom Out
• On Heterofatalism (and other Trending Topics)
• Beware: How to Spot Fake Profiles
• Relationship Values: On Being Seen (and Heard)
• Q & A: What is a Committed Relationship?