Relationship Dynamics

Maneuvering Complicated Relationships

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If you’re over thirty and single, it’s likely not because you’ve never had a special romantic connection, but rather that the connections you’ve had miscarried for one reason or another. The fallout from such a miscarriage can be a complicated space to maneuver.

Scenario: You Walked Down that Road, but it Didn’t Work Out

Single at this point in our lives, we’ve all visited this scenario, yes?

When David and I found each other, I thought my days of searching were behind me, that I was done collecting stamps in my passport and had finally arrived at my destination. He said, “I’ve been looking for you so long,” and “I never want you farther than an arm’s length away,” and “I want you here with me in Santa Fe.” He made me feel like THE woman. And yet, as you may infer from the heading, it didn’t work out.

Some part of David panicked about commitment. He came back a few times, but, inevitably, he always panicked and disappeared. At some point, he asked if we could be friends. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t going to be just another ex-girlfriend who’d shifted into the “friend” category. That would’ve devalued the power of our connection. And frankly, I couldn’t emotionally handle being “friends” with a man I loved so deeply. As emotionally difficult it was, it was easier to extricate him from my life altogether.

Damon and I only had two dates, but with long distance, you don’t bother going on a second date unless there’s some compelling chemistry on the first. And though there wasn’t a third date (his call, not mine), he played peekaboo with my Match profile for several months after our second date, looking silently but not actively engaging with me. He clearly liked me, but also had reservations.

A little over a year after our second date, Damon finally stopped playing peekaboo At that point, it was a relief. As long as he played peekaboo, it kept the flame of little-h hope alive, a wistful place to live. When he finally disappeared, it made it easier to face the reality that We weren’t going to happen.

With both David and Damon, if We weren’t going to work as a couple, it was emotionally easier to not interact with them at all.

Yet with Stanley, who I dated for four years, I’ve managed stay amicably connected. Why can I manage maintaining contact with him versus David and Damon? Perhaps with Stanley, it’s as simple as I’m the one who called our relationship off, so I’d already made peace with no longer being an Us. On his end, I think he initially held out hope we’d reconcile. Now, he’s remarried, so that hope’s in the rearview mirror, yet he still seems able to comfortably interact with me without the hope or expectation that we’ll ever be more than we currently are.

With some men who I’ve been romantically involved with, I’m able to handle maneuvering the tricky space of our post-romantic connection and with others, I can’t. Likewise, I’ve had men that post-romance couldn’t handle maneuvering that space with me. And that’s fine. It’s a tricky space to maneuver.

When faced with these tricky spaces, we each need to find what we can handle; what we’re comfortable with; and what, within reason, we want to, and are willing to, make of that space. Most importantly, how can we make that space an emotionally healthy place to inhabit? If we can’t, we may need to abandon that space altogether.

Scenario: The Chemistry is Strong but Relationship Doesn’t Manifest

This is a scenario that I’ve recently been struggling with in my own life.

I became acquainted with Evan over a year ago. He lives in Florida and, from the beginning, made clear that he didn’t see a long distance relationship “in the stars” for him. Despite that, he was taken enough with my Match profile that he felt compelled to get to know me. Our first phone conversation lasted four and a half hours. The words between us flowed easily. He said that we’re “kindred spirits.” We clicked.

On my end, I found (and continue to find) Evan attractive on many fronts–he’s tall and good-looking; he’s stimulating conversation; he’s compassionate and considerate; he’s successful and ambitious; he comes with a great (British) accent, and he’s the one of the funniest people I know. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel appreciated. He makes me feel cared for. He’s the kind of man I seek as a life partner. And while I’m grateful for our connection, it’s always been bittersweet for me–the sweetness of our connection coupled with the bitterness of the limits he’s imposed upon it.

Of late, as sweet as Evan is, the flavor I’m left with is bitter. The feelings have become too hard. Why now? It’s complicated.

Perhaps it’s because the flirting’s taken a heavier turn than it has in a long time, stirring up my emotions and desire–something I can’t afford to do when the signage on the road to him reads “Dead End.”

Or maybe, as a “friend” with chemistry, I’ve surpassed my threshold of tolerance for hearing about the women he’s dating.

Maybe it’s that he’s recently mentioned dating possibilities with women out-of-state, but retains his no-long-distance limits with me, suddenly making his lifestyle choice seems more like a personal rejection. At this point in my life, that doesn’t sit well with me.

And frankly, the juxtaposition of hearing about other women; having limits enforced on our relationship; yet simultaneously being sexually enticed is, well, emotionally discombobulating.

In all of this, of course, I recognize feelings of jealousy, and I don’t like feeling that way. I want Evan to be happy, but right now, I’m unable to bear witness to that happiness regarding other women. It’s a tricky emotional space to maneuver. Too tricky for me right now.

So, what to do when you’re feeling tricky emotions? Create emotional distance as you’re able and set boundaries to take care of yourself.

For me, that means that I need to step back from our relationship for now. I need to take some time away from him to allow my emotions to calm. And as long as there’s “Dead End” signage for me on the road to him, I need to set my own boundaries (i.e., no heavy flirting) to be able to comfortably live with his limits. I need to find new ways to maneuver in this relationship, because The Way We Were isn’t working for me anymore. Our relationship isn’t just on his terms, but also on mine.

And yet, conversely, there’s Isaac. He’s been in my life for over a decade now. Our chemistry and connection are strong, yet it also come with limits. Isaac’s limits. With time, I’ve learned to negotiate those limits in a way that I’m struggling to with Evan right now. I can indulge the heavy flirting with Isaac in a way I’m currently unable to with Evan.

What’s the difference? Time, perhaps. Or maybe different relationship histories and origin stories. But ultimately, each relationship has its own unique dynamic and what works to maneuver one connection successfully might not work for another and might not work consistently across time. Find your comfort zone for each unique connection and across time.

Scenario: The Interest is One-Sided

In this scenario, there’s an imbalance in the level of interest. One person has romantic feelings that aren’t reciprocated–the “unrequited love” of literature. But if it’s not requited, is it really love or simply a crush?

With Pierre, while I was intrigued enough to get to know him, I soon realized I didn’t feel the chemistry of romance. When I expressed this to him, he wanted to stay in touch, to “be friends.” We continued to talk for a while, but he began to push at the limits I set, as if I could be convinced to have feelings for him. When he was unable to accept my limits without trying to push beyond, I had to go from being friendly to curt, in order to make my point.

I met Keith walking on the trail near my house. Our acquaintance began as simply a smile of recognition. One day, he broke the ice and we started talking. Eventually, we become walking buddies. I liked Keith, but never felt any romantic chemistry with him. One day, he asked if he could kiss me. Politely, I declined. I valued our connection, but desired nothing more than friendship with him. He accepted that, and we remained friends. He’s now married to someone who suits him much better than I ever could have.

In the case of men who I don’t feel romantic chemistry with, I’m careful not to flirt with them whatsoever, for if you don’t have romantic inclinations for someone, it’s unfair and unkind to flirt and lead them on. To flirt where you lack intention or desire is about ego and game-playing. We’re not in high school anymore, and we should be beyond such behavior.

Maneuvering

This past summer, I went on a date with a birder. From him, I learned many interesting things about birds, including that birds who live in forests tend to have long tail feathers for quick and precise maneuvering among the trees. Birds who live in open spaces tend to have shorter tails, as they have no need for such maneuvering. This strikes me as a good analogy for different kinds of relationships.

Our easier, more straightforward relationships are the open spaces where we can soar and freely explore the expanses. No deft maneuvering required, no “Dead End” signs.

The forest is full of trees to maneuver around, obstacles to straightforward flight. Obstacles are the limits and complications in our relationships, the tricky bits. It takes skill to maneuver in these spaces, sometimes more skill than we may possess.

In maneuvering your complicated relationships, the key is being respectful of others whilst also taking care of yourself, whether you’re establishing limits for yourself, abiding by someone else’s limits, or working within the limits of the situation.

Considerations for maneuvering your complicated relationships include: the value of the person/relationship to you; what limits you’re comfortable with; what limits you may need; how you feel; whether or not any emotional discomfort is manageable (and worth the discomfort); whether you feel able to maneuver the tricky spaces; and if you need to create emotional distance or potentially remove yourself from the relationship altogether.

Scenario: You’re In a Relationship

When you’re in a committed relationship, that person should be the priority, and it’s your job to ensure that they feel they are. To that end, consider whether you need to put additional limits on any complicated relationships that you have. If the person you’re in relationship with feels justifiably threatened or jealous, you risk the relationship and losing your person.

For me, that means that when I’m in a committed relationship, I establish boundaries on any flirtatious activity outside of that relationship, such as with Isaac. I don’t sever the connection, nor do I go silent, I simply pull back from flirtation. When in a relationship, I save the flirtation for the man who offers me expanses, not the one who imposes limits.

Final Thoughts

There are many scenarios that can make a relationship complicated and tricky to maneuver, and each relationship dynamic is unique. Find your comfort zone where you can remain emotionally healthy within each of your complicated relationships, and remember that what that comfort zone is may change with time.

Take care of yourself and good luck maneuvering out there!

Up Next: The Preciousness of One

Processing Relationship Dynamics

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I’ve been thinking a lot about Relationship Dynamics lately. My last post, Going All In (inspired by an ongoing conversation I’ve had with my friend Jeff) addresses the importance of discerning your Relationship Dynamic before leveling up your relationship. However, I’ve also been thinking about Relationship Dynamics as I process my last two connections, both of which seemed promising going into the date, yet were ultimately disappointing in ways which surprised me.

Relationship Dynamic Defined

A Relationship Dynamic is the shared space of a Venn Diagram created where two individuals come together. It’s a creative space that can be whatever the two individuals who come together choose to make of it. It’s a unique space, because no two other individuals share that exact same space. “Dynamic” references how energy manifests, and each relationship has an energy. What that energy looks like and feels like is determined by the individuals in the relationship.

Though this blog is devoted to dating and romantic relationships, ALL relationships have dynamics, not just romantic relationships. My Relationship Dynamics are different with my mother than with my father, because they’re different people. I have a different Relationship Dynamic with my cousin-friend Michele than with my friend Ed. I have different Relationship Dynamics with each of my sons, colleagues, friends, and neighbors. Consider the different Relationship Dynamics at play in your life and the different energies in your relationships. What are you bringing to those dynamics?

When considering a romantic Relationship Dynamic, there are several factors to think about:

  • What is the energy level of that space–Energetic? Lethargic? Low-key?
  • What is the physical chemistry of that space–Stimulating? Tactile? Electric? Cold? Hot?
  • How does that space feel–Safe? Unsettling? Tense? Calm? Aloof? Exciting? Boring? Lonely? Fun?
  • Does that space make sense to you? If not, why?
  • Do you feel seen, heard, and honored in that space? If not, that’s problematic.

That space can be many things. In a romantic relationship, I want that shared space to feel fun, safe, stimulating, sexy, and exciting. What is that space to you? What do you want it to be?

Discernment of the Individuals

Though carefully discerning a potential match before going on a date is always important, as I date long distance, it’s all the more imperative for me. I’m neither going to put my safety at risk, nor waste my time and expense travelling, unless I have a good sense of the man I’m meeting and that he’s worth the time, money, and effort involved. He must be compelling enough for me to want to explore the possibility of Us and the Relationship Dynamic that we create, despite the challenge of distance.

To that end, before my last two dates, I did a Google search to ensure the men were who they represented themselves to be. That was easy enough as they’re both successful individuals, one even something of a celebrity in his field.

As much as possible, I also discerned the type of men they were and whether they were each a connection worth exploring from our interactions on the Match.com platform, and afterward through our phone conversations and text exchanges. Hours were spent on the phone before plans were ever made for a date. One day alone, I spent over four hours on the phone with R.

I liked them; I was attracted to them; I was intrigued by them. They’re both intellectual, worldly, perceptive, stimulating, and funny–rather dry wits, as they’re both British. All systems said, “Go for it!” So we did. In each case, we arranged for a date.

The Relationship Dynamics…

…were frankly disappointing. And that, after ample vetting and discerning.

With the added dimensionality of sharing the same physical space over time, both men revealed themselves to be condescending. (I don’t put this down to them being British. I’ve had this problem with plenty of American men as well.). The Relationship Dynamics were out-of-balance.

The condescension manifested in different ways with each of them. P had a tendency to mansplain, while R was angry and confrontational. With the former, the shared space felt didactic. With the latter, it felt like a debate which I was inadequately prepared for, lacking hard data and a bulleted list of talking points ready to go.

And what did I bring to the dynamic? I’m a confident woman, but I’m also an empath and a lover. I’m both strong and soft. I went on these dates to connect but felt the disconnect. I’m confident enough to own my intellect, as well as its limits. I welcomed their knowledge and experience, yet felt my own was discounted. The empath in me attempted to see their point-of-view, but this attempt went unreciprocated.

In both cases, the condescension was unexpected and with R it was so intense as to be discombobulating. I tried to give grace, but was allowed little in turn. I tried to stand up for myself while being verbally pummeled by R, but felt that I did so inadequately.

Perhaps that’s for the best, as it may have only further fueled R’s rage, a rage which I didn’t trigger, but nevertheless became the outlet for. We were supposed to be trying to play on the same team, but somehow our time together morphed into a competition which I had no desire to engage in and did my best to deflect. Ultimately, no one won in that scenario.

Processing Relationship Dynamics

I certainly had a lot to process after these dates. And that’s my entire point. I’ve been at this dating gig for a long time, I know what I’m doing, and yet there are still plenty of curve balls and always new things to learn. That’s because each person is a unique individual, as is each Relationship Dynamic.

To that end, it’s important to be mindful of what you’ve already learned from past relationships and experience; to pay attention in real time to the information a potential match is giving you through their words and actions; and to continue to grow and learn yourself through new experiences.

As to my experiences with P and R, I found myself revisiting lessons that I’d already learned. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes the knowledge and memory of a lesson learned isn’t enough. Sometimes I need to reexperience it to solidify the lesson, to practice the lesson again in real time. Just as with anything–from yoga to Italian to guitar–the more you practice and review with proper attentiveness, the more mastery you attain.

Here I share some of my processing with you as an example of that continued growth and learning. As I process, I learn what I can from their behavior, from my behavior, and from our dynamic in that shared space. And while we can glean insight from other’s behavior that may serve us in the future, it’s our own behavior that we need to focus on, because that’s the only thing we have agency over in the shared space of relationship.

Knowing Yourself and What You Bring to the Dynamic

Processing in reflection with time is a strength of mine. I’m good at turning things over in my head and examining situations from different perspectives. This in turn, gives me insight into a situation and the behavior of people involved, including myself. The more temporal and emotional distance I have from a situation, the more perspective I can get.

Over time, I’ve improved at thinking on my feet in the moment, but this isn’t where my natural talents lie. I’m particularly aware of this when I’m put on the spot, as I was with R, who was raring for a debate.

With this knowledge of myself, of my intellectual strengths and weaknesses, when I reflect on my time with P and R, I recognize that I gave them grace by not calling them out on their condescending behaviors. Perhaps that was overly soft of me, yet I do want to be as grace-giving as I reasonably can, and if they aren’t able to allow grace in turn, that’s more of a reflection that our shared space is not somewhere I can thrive.

For instance, when I took P to an Indian restaurant where I worked for several years in college (a fact he was aware of), he remarked on a traditional clay oven that was in the hallway saying, “That’s called a tandoor.” Now, a person doesn’t work at an Indian restaurant for six years without knowing that a traditional clay oven is called a tandoor. I looked at him kind of funny as I processed in the moment…Was he not connecting the dots? This would be giving him the grace of it slipping his mind that I worked here, and that of course I would know it was called a tandoor. Or, Did he really think I was that clueless?

Thinking quickly (Not my strength, but I did my best.), I considered possible responses. I could get defensive (passive-aggressive). I could call him out on his condescension (assertive or aggressive depending on how I did it). I could make a joke and laugh it off (potentially avoidant, depending on how I handled it). But I opted for simply saying, “Yes, I know,” in an affirmative tone, no sarcasm, no passive-aggression, no aggression, simply owning my knowledge. Did I stand up for myself? Yes, but not in a loud manner.

Though R was more verbally aggressive, I conducted myself similarly. I’m sure at times he could tell that I was annoyed or frustrated. If I disagreed, I’d say so, though not in an argumentative way, rather, simply offering that I had a different point of view, and also that I appreciated hearing his perspective and that he gave me something to think about. But sometimes, it was simply easier to not engage with his argument.

Insights on the Dynamics

One night at dinner with R, I mentioned that I’ve had a fairly lonely life– I was a misfit growing up; I was unhappily married; I’ve been single for fourteen years…plenty of lonely. Only he never heard my story or examples, he cut me off at “I’ve had a fairly lonely life–,” replying that I don’t know anything about being lonely, that I haven’t wandered in the wilderness for three days without talking to another human being, as he had. And no, I haven’t. But there’s a spectrum of lonely. Lonely isn’t one thing; there are many faces to it. He discounted my point-of-view. He discounted me.

I could’ve stood up to R on this point, but instead I let it go. Reflecting at the airport after the date, I regretted that I hadn’t stood up for myself more, in this instance and some others, but with the further distance of time and emotion, I wonder what good would it have done? Would he have seen me? I doubt it. Was it worth fighting to be seen by someone who’d put on blinders to me? Probably not.

Perhaps if I’d thought to go meta, to ask Why we were discoursing this way, it might’ve been a more conducive approach. This is the best rearview mirror option I can think of to honor the woman I strive to be–strong, authentic, and loving. Perhaps it’s an idea worth noting for the future, but it didn’t occur to me in the moment, and ultimately, it wasn’t going to save anything.

There’s a part of me that still wishes I’d stood up for myself more, but that’s me still coming to terms with and making peace with who I was and what happened in those Relationship Dynamics. I’m reminded of some of my mantras, previous lessons that these recent experiences have me revisiting, “Stand up for yourself in your relationships” and “Don’t give your power away…and don’t abuse it,” come to mind.

And yet, I don’t like being put in a position where I have to stand up for myself. Certainly, that’s not where I want to live in a romantic Relationship Dynamic. Rather, I want a dynamic where I’m seen, heard, honored, and respected. A space where we can disagree in a discussion without it being a debate. Somewhere that I don’t need to stand up for myself, because I’m not put in that position. A place where we’re on the same team, not in competition with one another.

While I certainly have feelings about how P and R conducted themselves, I reflect on my behavior within the Relationship Dynamic rather than perseverating on theirs, because that’s where my control lies. I have agency, but only over myself. The only part of the dynamic within my control is my own behavior so, to evolve toward better, I need to own what is mine to own and learn from it. But in doing so, I need to be careful not to own what isn’t mine, and learn from that as well.

And what can I learn from what isn’t mine to own? I can remember some of my Relationship Values: Do I feel seen and heard? Does it make sense? How do I feel? And in that respect, the Relationship Dynamics with P & R weren’t right. And that’s about the space created by both of us, not just me.

And What About You?

How are your Relationship Dynamics? What do you have to process? How do you process them?

Are you good at thinking quickly in the moment and responding to relationship curveballs in real time? Do you need time to process Relationship Dynamics to learn from them?

Do you process the dynamics with intention? Do you Zoom Out to look at the dynamics from different perspectives? Do you try to understand where potential matches might be coming from?

Are you mindful of your strengths? Your weaknesses?

Are you considerate of potential matches in that space? Do you take care of yourself in that space? Are you able to be the person you strive to be in that space? Do you own what is yours to own? Are you careful not to own what isn’t yours to own?

Do you remember and revisit the lessons you’ve already learned?

Do you pay attention to whether the shared space makes sense? Whether you feel seen and heard in that space? How that shared space feels?

Ultimately, my hope is that the story of how I’ve processed some of my recent Relationship Dynamics is useful to you as you think about how you process your own Relationship Dynamics. If you feel affirmed in your own processing skills, fantastic! If I’ve given you some ideas to stretch your thinking and get new perspective, that’s growth-oriented and a rewarding journey to be on. Either way, you’re doing great!

Final Thoughts

The Relationship Dynamic of each relationship, romantic or otherwise, is unique. It’s dependent on what the two individuals in relationship bring to that shared space. You can only control what you bring to that space and do your best to discern whether a particular Relationship Dynamic is a space where you can thrive as an individual. May you find and inhabit such a space.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Maneuvering Complicated Relationships

Going All In

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In my last post, I addressed the Paradox of Choice regarding online dating and how the paradox is as real or unreal as a dating platform user chooses to make it. If you’re truly seeking a romantic partnership, then it’s up to you to recognize when you’ve found the kind of match you’re looking for and act upon that. Going All In is about making a commitment to that person.

Discernment

Even if your ultimate goal is a committed romantic relationship, it’s obviously not a great idea to jump headlong into relationship without some thought and reflection. I refer to this process as Discernment.

Discerning the Individual

One type of Discernment is at the level of the individual. Do you find them attractive? Interesting? Do you have points of commonality? Similar visions? You can discern the answers to these questions both by looking at an online profile and through conversation. Yeses are an encouragement to move forward. Any noes should give you pause.

Do Your Research

Part of the Discernment process and getting to know potential matches should include verifying who they are and ensuring there are no red flags. Be reasonably cautious and skeptical as part of your initial discernment. Do a Google search to make sure they are who they say are, so that you’re neither putting yourself at risk, nor blindsided with a nasty surprise later. Have they declared bankruptcy before? Been married multiple times? Do they have a criminal arrest record? Is there a protection order against them? Don’t assume anything. Sketchy characters try to pass as people with good character.

Are they hard to find information about online? That’s an unusual circumstance anymore and should give you pause. Years ago, I went on a few dates with a supposedly successful businessman, but when I did a Google search on him there was nothing to be found. Being hard to locate online is not a pro-business move, and it certainly suggested his level of success wasn’t what he indicated. Ultimately, with some investigating, I discovered that he’d lied about his name and that he was a scam artist with criminal charges against him. It was a good lesson for me to learn early. Do due diligence and do your research early–before you get emotionally involved or put yourself physically or financially at risk.

Pay Attention to Information

People are always giving us information. Pay attention to the words and behavior of potential matches. This is how people reveal themselves. Are they a good listener or do they talk over you? Are they kind or condescending to servers? Are they reasonably generous or miserly? Narrow-minded or broad-minded? Patient or Impatient? Are they argumentative? Considerate? Jealous? Are they emotionally available?

Use the information you gather to discern whether or not an individual might make a good potential match. Note their good qualities, but be on the watch for any red flags in their words and behavior to help you discern if they aren’t a savory fit.

Also note whether their words match their behavior. If there’s a mismatch, that’s problematic. They either lack self-awareness or aren’t trustworthy. Lack of self-awareness is a shortcoming, and trust is a key foundation of any relationship. Bail and save yourself.

Recently, I went out with a man who was many things. He revealed himself to be perceptive, talented, knowledgeable, thoughtful, and generous. However, with time, he also revealed himself to be angry, non-empathetic, judgmental, and a poor listener–not good relationship qualities. There were many things I liked about him, and while I don’t regret the experience, in the end, I deserved to be treated better than I was. Pay attention to the not-so-savory information as well as the better bits.

Discerning the Connection

If you’ve adequately discerned the individual and you’re pulled-in rather than put-off, then give attention to the relationship dynamic. The relationship dynamic is the shared space of the Venn Diagram created where two individuals come together. What is the chemistry of that space? How do you feel in that space? Does that space make sense to you? Do you feel seen, heard, and honored in that space?

I want that shared space to feel fun, safe, stimulating, sexy and exciting. What do you want that shared space to feel like? If the relationship dynamic is a match for what you’re seeking, then hooray! You’re ready to consider Going All In.

Going All In

If you’ve found a right person with whom you have right connection, then you’ve won the relationship lottery! This is no small thing–be grateful. Now, let’s discern how to go forward from here.

Going All In doesn’t mean that you’re blindly throwing all caution to the wind; it simply means that you see a chance worth taking. Life is full of risks–getting in a car; relocating; having a baby; accepting/quitting a job; investing in the stock market; going on a date. And yet, without taking risks, we risk not living full lives. The trick is to optimize the risks we take. Discernment is part of that optimization.

Think of a professional poker player. They aren’t going to go all in on a random hand or in every game. Rather, using their knowledge and experience, they’re paying attention to the cards; they’re paying attention to the other players; and when they get the right hand and the timing is right; that’s when they push all their chips in. They take in information and discern the right moment to make their move and take that gamble. If you’ve discerned a person is worth the gamble, take it.

Different Levels of Going All In

Going All In is leveling up your relationship, but there are different levels of Going All In. Going All In can start with choosing to date each other exclusively, saying, “I choose you,” and walking down that road together to see where it takes you. Going All In with someone can be as simple as saying “no” to other options.

After walking down that road a ways (You get to define that timeline.), if you continue to choose each other, and the “us” you created is good, then consider whether you’re ready to Go All In at a higher level of commitment, such as moving in together or marriage.

Actively Choosing

My friend Jeff and I have had several conversations about Going All In over the past year. Last year, a mutual friend of ours remarried. She’d been tragically widowed twenty months prior. It was fast on the heels of her husband’s death for sure, but that’s just how it happened, not how she planned it.

Our mutual friend had reconnected with someone she’d known for a long time (She’d discerned the kind of person he was many years prior.), they were both widowed, and they had good chemistry (the relationship dynamic). They were lucky to find each other, lucky to fall in love, and they recognized their luck, not taking it for granted. They chose not to give power to anyone who might judge the timing, and they went All In for Love. They leveled up their relationship, recognizing in each other what they wanted, and actively choosing to commit to that, declaring, “We’ll figure it out.”

It strikes me that that is what Love is–a recognition and a prioritization: We’ve found each other! Now, let’s figure out how we can make it work. Figuring out how to make it work is a team effort, not a burden to fall on one partner.

As a couple, they had an awareness of the challenges they would face combining families, each bringing their own special challenges to the union, but ultimately they were willing to face those challenges to be together, to do the work they needed to do to be together, and trusting that they loved each other enough to figure it out as a team.

I recently met a woman who told me that when she was dating her current husband (who’d been widowed), he initially hid their relationship from his teenage son. When Dean’s son found out about the relationship, he was upset. Jean suggested that they take a break from the relationship until his family was more ready, but Dean stepped up and chose her. Dean claimed the relationship and told his son that Jean was going to be part of their lives. They’ve been married for several years now, and Dean’s son came around.

A successful romantic relationship takes two people with right connection to understand their good fortune at finding each other and who commit to each other. It’s that easy.

A successful and healthy romantic relationship also involves not looking around for someone better, not imposing limits on what the relationship can be, not taking each other for granted, continuing to choose each other, leaning into the relationship (being aloof won’t work), and willingly engaging in the the work that comes with relationship. So while it’s easy, it’s also hard. And people are definitely good at making it harder than it needs to be. We’re really good at getting in our own way. If we weren’t, there wouldn’t be so many rom-coms.

…or Not

In the same time frame that our mutual friend was Going All In, Jeff had been in an on-again off-again relationship. He decided that he was ready to level up the relationship and discussed moving in together with his (now ex-)girlfriend. She spoke as if she was on board, yet she never did anything actionable to help manifest it as a concrete reality. For her, it was an abstract notion, something further down the road, something to put off indefinitely, not something that could happen over the weekend. Frustrated, Jeff ultimately chose to walk away.

Similarly, another friend’s brother was in a long-term committed relationship but reluctant to level it up from dating exclusively. My friend Abby knew her brother’s girlfriend wanted to level up despite her brother’s conviction not to. A conundrum. The girlfriend chose to play the saint and patiently wait, hoping his mindset might shift with time. That was her choice to make. And it was his rightful choice to keep the relationship at its current level. How happy does that situation sound? Does she sound happy? Does he?

Myself, I’d rather be alone than passively wait around for a man to decide I’m worth choosing. I want agency in relationship. I also want to feel chosen, appreciated, and wanted. I’m worth that, and I want a man who recognizes my worth.

David recognized my worth, and, in contrast to the Jeff’s and Abby’s brother’s scenario, we went All In quickly. We recognized our connection and chemistry right away. But then, he panicked. He wanted me but was afraid of us. He went All In, then walked away from the table. For us, Love was a losing game. And sometimes it is. David is a self-aware man, yet he didn’t know himself well enough to recognize that he didn’t have the follow-through to commit, even to someone he wanted. Do you? Know yourself and act accordingly.

If you have reservations about Going All In with someone who you’ve walked a ways down the road of relationship with, it’s worth considering–Why? What’s the source of your reservation? Is your romantic partner not the person you want to Go All In with? If so, why is that? Or, is Going All In not what you’re looking for in relationship? Why is that? Being able to answer these questions will help you understand yourself and your relationship, allowing you in turn to make more informed choices, even if you don’t choose to Go All In.

Final Thoughts

Going All In is something to do purposefully and with proper discernment, but if you’ve found a right person and connection, and a committed relationship is what you want, then go for it–leave behind the paradox of choice and make a choice. Carpe diem! Good luck out there!

Up Next: Processing Relationship Dynamics

If You’re Wondering if a (Wo)Man’s Interest is Waning, it is.

/ blackbirddiaryblog

An entire manuscript exists about the lessons I’ve learned while dating. Here I have re-tooled some of my lessons for this space. They’re written from the perspective of a woman, but are also applicable to men. Here’s the first lesson I recorded, an early one–it’s a very apropos place to begin because not only was it my first lesson, but it’s been a recurring experience in my dating life. It’s a good one to own, because it helps in navigating your reality.

Lesson Learned:

I learned this lesson early, from a couple of different men. Scott was the first man I dated after my divorce. I’d been divorced for two years, but he was only separated at the time. This in itself was a big mistake, dating someone who’s only separated (but that’s another lesson). He wasn’t quite over his ex and though he was into me, he wasn’t into me enough. A behavior I’ve experienced with many men—they like me, but they aren’t sure how much; they get eager in the beginning, then they get scared because the longer we date, the more “commitmenty” it is. This was further compounded because of his conflicted feelings about his ex. He wanted a distraction from his feelings for her (which were confused), but he wasn’t sure about his feelings for me (because it was too soon). He simply wasn’t ready to date.

Over time, instead of spending more time together, we spent less. I was marginalized. I didn’t like the way this felt but I didn’t want to give up on the relationship either. After all, he was the first guy I’d dated after being single for two years, what hope did I have of finding someone else? (Ha! There are apps for that.) So I told him I wanted a break, a month, so we could both figure out what we wanted.

A week later he called, wanting me. That felt good. He took me out to dinner for the first time in a long time. He said that it wasn’t that he was ashamed of me, but of his situation. He felt funny taking me out in public when he was technically still married (Reminder: don’t date someone who is only separated!). But this night, he made me feel the way I wanted to feel. We were on-again.

Only it didn’t last. Quickly and predictably, as no issues had been resolved, it devolved again. A couple of months later, we were back to the same place. He was distant, cool. This time I called him on it and made him tell me his truth. I made him break up with me, because he wasn’t ready for me. Scott said he wanted to put me on the shelf for a while and maybe take me down in a couple of months. I told him I won’t live on a shelf. At the expiration of a couple of months he called, but I’d already moved on.

Isaac and I met online (On one of those apps for meeting people!). Isaac was the first man I dated who taught me what I wanted in a man rather than what I didn’t want. He was the first man I dated who I had no doubt that I wanted to be with. He was brilliant, witty, successful, worldly and oh-so-manly looking. How could I resist? I’m an elementary schoolteacher in Lincoln, Nebraska who works in a big box-of-a-building all day surrounded by children and mostly female colleagues. Where would I meet a man like this again (I have, but they are rare gems.)? He was so different from the other men I’d dated. And he seemed interested in me. But even from the beginning he was hedging, hinting that he wouldn’t stick around Nebraska long, that he wasn’t sure about dating someone with kids, etc. Nevertheless, he continued to correspond with me.

In his presence, I was nervous, a little trembly. He was exciting company. The physical attraction was strong, the conversation stimulating, the date sexy and fun. He asked me out on another date, but vaguely. We kept in touch, emailing, but I could feel the distance growing, the flirtation ebbing on his part, the interest waning. And then finally, confirmation. He didn’t think it was a good idea to see each other again. He liked me, but he didn’t see a future between us, he’d found new reasons that we were incompatible. It was best to just not pursue it at all.

The Lesson’s Essence:

With both men, I sensed in a change in the weather. I wasn’t being paranoid, it was based on a change in actions and interactions. I saw the end coming before it happened. Pay attention to shifts in relationship, the weather can shift at any time whether you’re just getting to know each other (Isaac), you’ve been dating for a while (Scott), or you’re married (that’s what divorce is, right?). Don’t be paranoid, just be mindful. Tend to yourself and your relationship. If you sense a change, have a rational conversation about it and face your truth the best you can. Better to live a truth than pretend a lie and better to face the truth than live in a state of anxious limbo. I’ve dated many men since the two who initially taught me this lesson. I’ve found that if I sense something is off, there’s a reason. And even when I’ve been hurt and disappointed, I’ve always been grateful to know my truth.

For men et al:

I write from the perspective of a woman, but my lessons cross genders. My friend Erik recently had this experience. A woman he’d been dating took issue with his calm demeanor in reaction to her over-the-top drama. “Why didn’t you call me on my bad behavior?” she asked him. She’d wanted a challenge, someone to take her on. He felt her cool to him after that and when he approached her about it hoping to have his fears eased, she dumped him instead. It’s okay to be hopeful, we need hope, but now he knows his truth and he can move on and find a woman whose personality is better suited to him. And who’s less dramatic.