Relationship Dynamics

Manage Your Relationship Expectations: Further Down the Road

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Last summer, I wrote about the importance of managing your expectations when you’re just getting to know someone. But, what about when you have a history with someone? What if you know them well? Histories often come with complications. There are reasons you aren’t together or that you haven’t gone all in. How to manage your relationship expectations with someone when you’re further down the road?

In managing your expectations, it’s key to be honest with yourself and truth out the situation. This requires zooming out from the situation emotionally, to consider it more objectively. The good thing is, time can make this easier. You may feel strong connection to a person, but may no longer be in throes of excitement of the early days of connection. Your emotions may be more manageable with time. This, in turn, can make your expectations easier to manage.

You Know What You Know

If someone’s been in your life for a while, but it hasn’t manifested as a relationship; isn’t currently manifesting as a relationship; or isn’t manifesting at the level of relationship you’d like, you still have the advantage of information. You’ve been down this road and seen the landscape. You’ve had an opportunity to learn them; discern the dynamic between yourselves; and you have a shared history that you can learn from.

When we don’t learn from our history, we often doom ourselves to repeating it. But, we can choose to be intentional about learning from our histories, including our relationship and romantic histories. And, by doing so, we can make conscious and informed choices within those contexts.

You Know Them

Over time, you’ve had the chance to learn them–their strengths, their faults, their appeal, their annoyances. Be well-attuned to all of their qualities, not just their more attractive ones. We aren’t teenagers anymore, so ensure that you’re not looking at them through rose-colored glasses, but that you’re seeing them in all their human dimensionality.

For me, Isaac is one of the funniest people I know. He makes me laugh. Being with him is fun. When he invited me for a visit last summer, I happily accepted.

One morning, as I was making toast, he sidled up to me and asked, “Do you know what’s worse than a Cuisinart toaster?”

“No,” I responded, looking at him quizzically.

“Nothing!” He replied with a smile.

Isaac makes something as quotidian as making toast, fun. Yet, he’s not consistently reliable about showing up. Several times over the years, he’s backed out of our rendezvous, for various reasons. I know I can count on him in the general (he’s been there for me on some dark days), but not always in the specific. I know this about him, and I can’t expect it to change unless he demonstrates different behavior on a consistent basis. And it’s my job to pay attention and note if he does.

You Know Yourself

Not only have you had the chance to get to know them well over time, you’ve known yourself even longer! Be honest with yourself about your own strengths and weaknesses, both as an individual and regarding them. Use this self-knowledge to help you discern how to handle the situation in a way that you can manage and that supports your best self-interest.

When I met Isaac, I fell for him immediately. In the intervening years, I’ve been through a lot. I’m a feeling person and an empath, but over the years, I’ve also emotionally toughened up. I’m a different version of myself than the woman he originally met. This affects my interactions, expectations, and choices regarding him in the specific, as well as more broadly in my life.

You Know Your Shared History

So you’ve been down the road with them for a bit, maybe taking off-ramps here and there, but you’re still on the same road, even if you aren’t always travelling in tandem. At this point, you’re cognizant of your relationship dynamic, the energy and chemistry between you. You also know what you’ve experienced together and done to each other–both the good stuff and the bad bits.

My History with Isaac

In my case, Isaac’s been in my life for twelve years. We’ve never been in a committed romantic relationship, but we’ve had several dates and rendezvous over the years. Over time, we’ve become friends, with complications. There were a couple of angry years where we went without talking to each other, but we’ve also seen each other through romantic disappointments, as well as flirted and found our way back to each other.

There’s always been a reason why we haven’t manifested as a couple. His reasons have changed over time, but he’s always had a reason. With time, I’ve come to a better understanding of him and his reasons. And, I’ve come to accept him as he is.

Admittedly, I don’t appreciate feeling like I’m somehow insufficient in his eyes, but he gets to determine what he wants. And to date, I continue to accept the terms of our relationship/non-relationship because I like having him in my life. My life is better for his presence in it.

My Managed Expectations

When Isaac invited me to come for a visit, I gladly accepted. We arranged for a three-day visit, longer than we’ve ever spent together. I didn’t know how it would go, but I was intrigued to find out. For everything we’ve been through, I find him compelling, and I care about him. And, whatever might happen, I knew at this point in my journey that I could handle it.

For the three days I was with him, I was happy. That’s no small thing. I savored our time together. And, perhaps that’s all I get. Regardless, it was worth it. And now, we’ll see what happens, or doesn’t, on the other side of those three days.

I’m an expansive person, and ironically, he both expands me, while putting limits on us. I accept that. He’s worth having in my life, even with limits. I can’t say that about every man I’ve cared for. But because of those limits, I’m cautious about how much oxygen I give to my feelings and expectations.

Should a man surface who makes me feel as expansive as I do with Isaac but without the limits, or should I tire of this version of what we are, I can always impose my own limits. Alternatively, should Isaac continue to broaden what we can be, I can give more oxygen to my feelings and expectations. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying him and us for whatever we are.

What Can You Handle?

For now, I’m at a place where I’ve come to accept my relationship with Isaac for whatever it is or isn’t, even with limits. I don’t have to, but I do. Absent Isaac expanding his limits, I can create my own terms for what we are, should I choose to, knowing that doing so might further limit what we are. For whatever reason, at this point, I’m able to manage living with his terms. But, I haven’t been able to accept every man’s limits.

Evan was upfront that he didn’t see a long-distance relationship “in the stars” for him, despite having had an international long-distance relationship with his ex. Nevertheless, he was drawn to my profile and wanted to get to know me better.

We spent over a year talking on the phone regularly, and we became close–so close that it became difficult for me to live with his limitations, even though he’d been very upfront about them. Because of this, I eventually put limitations on our interactions. Emotionally, it ended up being easier not to talk to him at all.

So, what can you handle? What can you manage without causing yourself undue pain? And what might be worth any fallout? Use your knowledge of yourself, of them, and of your shared history to help determine what you can handle. This will help you better manage your relationship expectations and navigate whatever relationship you have. And most important–make sure that you’re taking good care of yourself.

Beware of Hope

Hope’s a tricky thing. It can be a helpful coping mechanism, but it can also be a real bitch. A lack of any Hope is a dark place to live, but Hope indulged too much can set you up for disappointment.

Truth It Out

Truthing it out means being honest with yourself about the realities of your situation. It requires zooming out emotionally, and looking at facts, events, words, and actions through a rational lens.

I can Hope that maybe Isaac will continue to expand what we are even further. It’s even possible that Evan could have an Aha! moment and realize that I’m worth the work of long distance. Either of those could happen. But, I have a lot of experience with both men, and I need to factor that history into my accounting of each situation. So, how much oxygen am I going to feed that Hope with? I’m very careful about that. Isaac is still showing up, so that situation gets oxygen. Evan isn’t, so that situation is oxygen starved.

What are the Truths of your situation?

Keep Your Hope and Expectations Realistic

A more realistic Hope in my case, would be that someday I find right relationship with a man who I have a special connection with. Now, I have fifteen years of being single that would argue that might not happen. But, in those fifteen years, I’ve also dated a lot of men, had some relationships, and made some special connections. I only need one man to get it right with. By keeping Hope more generalized than specific, we’re less likely to set ourselves up for disappointment.

In the specific, regarding Isaac, we’ve grown closer over the years, and it wouldn’t be unrealistic to Hope that we continue to do so. But what that might look like, I need to be careful not to put any expectation on. And, as long as I can manage that, I can enjoy what we are, rather than worry about what we aren’t.

What hopes and expectations are realistic for you? Do you need to generalize any Hope?

Take Action. Or Don’t.

How do you feel about your situation? Is it acceptable? Are there aspects to your relationship(s)/situation that are upsetting or difficult to manage?

If your situation is manageable, then maybe you let things be. But, if it’s emotionally distressing or unsatisfying at some level, you may want to take action and do something different. With Isaac, it’s manageable. With Evan, the situation became emotionally untenable, so I stepped back from our connection.

Some other examples:

Tiffany

Tiffany has been dating Rob for several years. Rob is twice-divorced and has vowed never to get married again. Tiffany would very much like to get married. She’s stayed in the relationship because she cares about Rob, but she also hopes that someday he’ll change his mind.

Tiffany is playing the Hope and Wait game. It’s a gambling game with poor odds. Rob holds all the trump cards. He has everything he wants–their relationship is on his terms.

Last I heard, Tiffany and Rob moved in together. They upped their game. Maybe this will give Tiffany more satisfaction. Maybe Rob will even come around to wanting more someday. But for now, she either needs to accept what Rob willingly offers or, if it really isn’t enough, find the wherewithal to claim what she wants, even if it means walking away if Rob won’t give it to her.

The question is does she want this relationship, or does she want a certain level of relationship? Either way, pining for more doesn’t feel like a satisfactory way to live.

Stanley

Stanley and I dated for four years. When we started dating, he was “temporarily” sharing a house with his ex, an arrangement quaintly called “nesting,” where the parents move in and out of the house so the children don’t have to relocate.

I could easily fill a manuscript with how toxic and unhealthy nesting is, and perhaps someday I will, but for now, my point is that when we started dating, the arrangement was supposedly temporary. I was told it was a post-divorce transition to ease the children into their new reality. There was even a purported date to end this arrangement. If there hadn’t been, I probably never would have gone out with him at all.

The thing is, the date came and went. It was moved back from February to July. Then July came and went. At this point, I was emotionally involved, and though I found the arrangement nauseating, I tolerated it, playing the Hope and Wait game. Waiting for things to change. Hoping that Stanley saw my value and prioritized me. Hoping and Waiting, with my needs and feelings on the backburner.

Oh, what effed up martyrdom. Shockingly (read with sarcasm), my Hopes went unfulfilled. After all, I enabled him and his situation. I gave him all the trump cards. He was winning the game (By the way, a healthy relationship is NEVER about winning, but that’s another blog post.), and I let him. I only bested him when I walked away from the game altogether. There came a point when I simply no longer wanted to play. The thing is, we should have been on the same team instead of playing against each other.

You

It’s up to you to determine what you can handle in your relationships. Anchor yourself in truths. If you’ve been in relationship with someone for a while, there probably won’t be a sudden dramatic shift in your relationship, like an on-off switch, but the dimmer switch may move a little.

Some things to consider:

What are your needs? Can you advocate for your needs? If so, what does that look like?

How flexible are you about how the relationship manifests? What are you willing to accept? Where can you compromise? How long are you willing to Hope and Wait? Can you temper your Hope, managing your relationship expectations in a reasonable way?

And, where do you need to draw the line to take care of yourself?

Final Thoughts

When you’re just getting to know someone, you don’t know what you don’t know. But, when you’ve been in relationship with someone for a while, you have the advantage of knowing the lay of the land. This knowledge can you truth out your situation and manage your expectations about the relationship in a realistic way.

Unless one of you ends your connection in the near future, you’re still in the middle of whatever relationship you have. Enjoy yourself and the relationship as much as you’re able. And if you’re not enjoying the connection in its current state, it begs the question why, and it’s worth examining.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: A Review of Dating Platforms–Hinge

Manage Your Expectations: In the Beginning…

/ blackbirddiaryblog / 2 Comments

That first spark of interest with a new romantic connection is exciting–it’s full of potential and the possibility of what might be. It’s hopeful. While age and experience may temper this excitement somewhat (I have both), it doesn’t dilute it altogether. I may not plunge headlong and heartlong into connections at this point, but I’m still an emotional being. Experience gives me pause, but I still feel. I still hope.

As someone who dates long distance, I have to really like a guy to go to the effort of arranging a rendezvous. Recently, a man piqued my interest enough to make that effort, and I want to share that experience to illustrate why it’s important to manage your expectations when you’re just getting to know a potential romantic partner.

You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

The Larger Context

When you’re just getting to know someone, you don’t know what you don’t know about them yet. In the beginning of any relationship, there are still a lot of question marks hanging out there. Getting answers to question marks and learning about someone who piques your interest can be fun and exciting. It can also tug you further in with the pull of attraction.

But, sometimes you learn things that give you pause, turn you off, or are flat-out unsavory. And you don’t know those things until you know them. Some of those unknowns might be neutral qualities, some might be that person’s particular human flaws (We all have them.), some might be think-abouts (As in think about whether you can live with it.), and some might be outright dealbreakers.

An Old Example

Years ago, as a recent divorcée and new-again to dating, I briefly dated Jack. There were things I liked about him, but there were definitely some question marks. The more I got to know him, the more some of the question marks nagged me. Some things simply weren’t making sense–if he was a successful businessman, why couldn’t I find his business on Google?

There was a good answer to that question. I couldn’t find him on Google because he had something to hide. As it turned out, he’d lied to me about his name. He also failed to mention that he was a scam artist and on probation.

To get the answers to Jack’s question marks, I had to do some serious internet digging. And while I didn’t like the answers I found, I was glad to have them. The answers gave me the information I needed to put Jack Ashe in the rearview mirror. Ideally, I’d have learned that information before I went out with him, but it was a good lesson for me to learn early in my dating journey.

Be Mindful

As interesting, attractive, or promising as the person/connection may seem initially, early on we lack knowledge of much of their context, background, and behavior. This is something that’s learned with time, observation, and experience. It’s important to be mindful of what we don’t know, and to manage our expectations accordingly.

That said, it’s not always easy–hope and emotions can trip us up at any age and with any amount of experience. As recently as last summer, I found myself gobsmacked by the unknown. I’d spent well over a dozen hours on the phone with R before meeting him, yet when we spent a long weekend together, I was completely caught off guard and discombobulated by his verbal aggressiveness, leaving me with a lot to process.

A Recent Example

There were plenty of things that piqued my interest about Dean’s profile–he’s attractive; he’s a good writer; he’s intellectual; he’s witty; he has a good sense of style. When we got off platform, his intellect and humor were further borne out. He’s a good flirt too, which was fun and enticing.

Through our conversations, I further gleaned that he’s kind and compassionate. So, good human being, check. But, would he be a good romantic partner? I didn’t have that information yet. Because of my past experience, I was very cognizant that I was still learning him and that I didn’t know what I didn’t know about him yet.

Because of that, while my interest was piqued enough to get to learn some of the unknowns, I knew it was important to manage my expectations and keep any hope in check while exploring the connection. So, we arranged a rendezvous that we might get to know each other better. And, to best answer some of the unknowns while getting to know someone, it’s important to be intentional about gathering information.

Gather Information

The reason to gather information isn’t to be judgmental or snoopy, but rather to get a better sense of a person and to discern whether they’d be a good fit as a romantic partner.

How to Gather Information

Initially, it’s a good idea to gather information by doing a Google search to verify that they are who they say they are. After the experience with Jack Ashe, I learned to do the Google search BEFORE meeting someone in person, so if there’s anything wonky or questionable, I find out early.

Another way to gather information is through the person themself. People are always giving us information through their words and their behavior. It’s our job to pay attention to what people say and do to help us understand them better. Also, it’s important to note whether someone’s words and behavior match–if they don’t, that’s problematic!

The Recent Example

Planning

When Dean and I were scheduling a rendezvous, we originally chose a weekend on the tail end of a week when I was already in Colorado, planning that he’d fly out and meet me there. Plan A.

But, his mother decided that would be a good weekend to spread his father’s ashes. “Oh my goodness, I’m sorry,” I said.

“It’s okay. He died three years ago,” Dean replied. Okay then. So we made a Plan B, and moved up our plans by two weeks. Different weekend; different location. He made the necessary arrangements, but didn’t share the details until I asked.

Then some events came up that same weekend (Plan B) that he wanted to participate in. Could we tweak the dates a little bit? So, Plan C. Same weekend, same location, but slightly different dates. By tweaking the dates, it meant that I had to pack on Tuesday instead of Wednesday (It was already late Monday night.), as I would need to drive out Wednesday. Tuesday I had social plans, but I managed to get a bag packed between engagements.

Tuesday night, Dean called to give me some news. He’d won a professional award and needed to do media and attend an event that same weekend. I offered my congratulations, and we rescheduled our rendezvous. Plan D is a return to Plan A (Colorado). Off the phone, I unpack.

A few days before I leave for Colorado, Dean mentions via text that he bought a ticket to fly out, something that he hadn’t discussed with me beforehand. Knowing that he has a full day of work, I simply ask him if he could email me his flight itinerary. He doesn’t. However, he does call after eleven that night, informing me that he doesn’t think the rendezvous is such a good idea after all.

I couldn’t help but laugh, it all seemed so ridiculous. He didn’t think it was a good idea. “Really,” I laughed, “And why is that?”

“Because of our conversation last night,” he replied.

The Conversation

To my mind, the conversation was an intellectual discussion. I said something. He said something about what I said. Without disagreeing entirely, I replied that I thought the situation was more nuanced than he allowed for and explained why.

I wasn’t aggressive. My voice wasn’t raised. I wasn’t trying to win an argument. I didn’t even see it as an argument. Nor was I trying to make him feel bad or wrong. I was simply trying to offer him a think-about.

The Takeaways

Although Dean remains an interesting, intellectual, funny, good human being, between the planning experience and the fallout of our conversation, I was completely at peace with the conclusion of our connection. I’d gathered all the information I needed to understand that this match wasn’t going to work for me.

Regarding planning, I learned that he was hard to make a plan with, a little flaky, and that I couldn’t count on him to show up. That’s frustrating in any relationship, but in a long distance relationship, if you can’t make a plan, that’s problematic.

I also learned that he’s not a great communicator. He didn’t communicate with me about booking details beforehand. And, after he’d made arrangements, he didn’t give me any details until I asked and sometimes not even then.

Regarding the conversation, it doesn’t bode well if we can’t have different viewpoints on an intellectual discussion without it becoming a big deal. What if we had a truly serious issue to contend with in a relationship? How would we be able to compromise, problem-solve, and resolve conflict if we couldn’t handle negotiating a minor disagreement?

So, while I was intrigued enough to arrange a rendezvous with Dean, in the end, I got the information I needed to see that our connection was flawed without ever meeting him at all.

Final Thoughts

Early on in the life of a romantic connection can be exciting, but be careful to manage your expectations while you’re getting to know someone. Gather information about them to get to know them better, protect yourself (Beware of the scam artists!), and discern whether they’re a good match for you.

Good luck out there!

P.S. I’m pleased to announce that I’m now doing video content! If you’re interested, you can follow my YouTube channel. You can also watch the video content related to this post (Below, if you are receiving this as a newsletter). Thanks for your support!

Up Next: Any Day Can Be the Day

Relationship Mistakes: Apply What You’ve Learned

/ blackbirddiaryblog

We all have lived experience, some of it good, and unavoidably, some bad. This experience–what happens to us, what we make happen, and how we respond to what happens–helps inform who we are and how we grow (or fail to) as individuals. Ideally, we evolve and become better versions of ourselves, having learned some lessons from our lived experience, including relationships and relationship mistakes.

Most of us have made our share of relationship mistakes. To do better going forward, it’s important to learn from those mistakes, then be intentional about applying what you’ve learned.

Lessons Learned

At this point, hopefully you’ve learned some lessons from your dating and relationship history to help guide you in your dating experience. Myself, I’ve learned enough to fill a (literal) manuscript. I also have notes aplenty for manuscripts yet-to-be.

If you haven’t been intentional about learning from your relationship history, it’s worth taking time to reflect on this. What were some relationship issues from your past? Do you have any relationship mistakes that haunt you? Relationship regrets? Relationship mistakes might include actions and behaviors of yours; your choice of a romantic partner who was a poor fit; or the problematic behavior of a former partner.

If nothing easily comes to mind, do a Relationship Autopsy (per my last post) to dig down and really identify past issues, so that you can avoid repeating them.

If you’re intentional about learning from your relationship history, this can also help you identify your Relationship Values, elements that are crucial to your ability to thrive in relationship. It can also help you recognize any patterns of behavior that you want to replace in yourself or, conversely, avoid in a partner.

In this post, we’ll focus on applying the lessons we’ve learned from our dating-relationship history.

Be Aware: Recognizing Your Mistakes and Theirs

To apply the lessons you’ve learned from relationship mistakes, it’s necessary to bring an awareness–an objective eye–to your experience in real time. If you’re able to zoom out effectively, you can watch your own behavior, as well as the behavior of any potential romantic partners.

With that watchfulness, you want to be on the lookout for any of your past behaviors/choices that you want to interrupt or any behaviors from matches that are problematic. Of course, you’ll also want to pay attention any positive or attractive behaviors and chemistry as well–this is what we’re ultimately after.

Self-Awareness

Start with yourself. We carry our histories with us, but in each moment we have the opportunity to choose who we are anew and where we want to go. To put the best version of ourselves out there, first we must have a strong self-awareness–recognizing our strengths, weaknesses, inclinations, and patterns of behavior.

Acknowledge your shortcomings, both past and present, in relationships so that you can address those behaviors and tendencies going forward. If you identify areas that you still need to work on, zoom out and ask yourself why you engage in that behavior or have that tendency. What feeling is behind it? How does that behavior serve you?

For instance, if you recognize that you’re prone to being defensive, ask yourself why. Usually defensiveness is a shield for insecurities, either presuming that someone’s on the attack or a deflective denial of any wrongdoing.

Whatever negative behavior you recognize, dig down and get to the bottom of why you’re manifesting this behavior and what you can do to interrupt it. In the example of defensiveness, you might ask yourself: What am I insecure about? Why? Have I had this behavior modeled for me(e.g., from a parent)? What can I do to build my confidence? How can I interact in a more prosocial way?

Tweak the questions to suit whatever behavior pattern you’re trying to interrupt, so that you can truly understand the Why behind the pattern of behavior. Then, practice a replacement behavior. When doing so, think, “Fake it till you make it.” Practice is the ‘Fake It’ part, until you internalize the new behavior mindset.

In our example, let’s say that you realize your defensive behavior is because your father’s always been hypercritical of you, so you’re constantly on guard expecting criticism. To practice a replacement behavior, try to catch yourself feeling, behaving, or talking in a defensive manner and truth it out–Is this person really saying something that’s critical of me or am I assuming that’s their intent? If it is critical, then listen to them and honestly consider whether what they say is valid.

Additionally, you can write/repeat any mantras and self-messaging that you want to internalize and practice. In our example, that could look like, “Don’t assume that everyone’s on the attack.” To work on any insecurities, maybe something along the lines of, “I’m worthy” or “I’m doing fine.” If you deflect any criticism, perhaps “Listen instead of deflect.” An appropriate mantra will depend on what the motivation behind the behavior is.

By knowing any personal foibles, you can be on the lookout for them, catch yourself in real time, and practice the replacement behavior. This practice will help you put the best version of yourself out there, which will make you feel more confident and help you attract better matches. If you’re already mindful of doing the work to be the most evolved version of yourself at any point in time, then well done!

Now, let’s consider what you’ve learned about behaviors of former romantic partners…

Pay Attention: Be on the Lookout for Potential Mistakes

People are always giving us information through their words and behavior. It’s our job to pay attention to this information so that we can see them for who they are. There are probably some behaviors of former romantic partners that you found problematic. Keeping in mind that we’re all imperfect, determine what behaviors you can live with and which are dealbreakers.

Red Flags: Avoiding Problematic Partners

Once you’ve identified behaviors of former partners that were problematic for you, be on the lookout for those behaviors with potential matches. For instance, when my ex and I disagreed about something, he was frequently condescending and dismissive of my point of view, devaluing me. As a result, I’ve developed a very acute radar for when a man mistreats or behaves in a disrespectful manner to me.

Last year, I went on a date with P and on another date with R. There were a lot of things I liked about both of them, however, on each date I recognized condescending behaviors on their part.

P had a tendency to mansplain. R’s problematic behaviors were twofold–he made assumptions about me rather than listening to me and he was very aggressive about his point of view. P’s approach was gentler, but it was still condescending.

The thing is, while I recognized their behaviors for what they were, it still took me some time to process the dynamics of our interactions. I went into both dates hopeful, but I had some misgivings on the dates themselves that gave me pause. When you have misgivings or pause about an interaction, a behavior, or a relationship dynamic, pay attention–that’s a red flag that you are raising and waving at yourself.

Heed the flag and examine the behavior that you noticed. I liked both men enough that their behavior was unexpected and caught me off-guard. Despite hours on the phone, I hadn’t experienced either the condescension or verbal aggressiveness prior to meeting them. They were showing me who they are, but it was a side of them I hadn’t witnessed before.

I had to remember where I’d been and the lessons that I’d already learned and knew so well, then apply that knowledge to the current situation. It wasn’t an immediate recognition of the behavior with neon lights screaming at me, “NO GO!” Rather, it was a confusion, a subtle wondering, “Why are you treating me this way?” It was a not liking how it felt, then a further examination of my misgivings. Pay attention to those disquieting moments; they’re tells.

Green Lights: Watch for Good Signals

On the flipside, while you’re on the lookout for any problem behaviors, also pay attention and notice any attractive behaviors. Do they treat you well? Are they affirming of who you are? Do you feel seen and heard? Are you at ease with them? These are signs of someone who could potentially be a good partner.

Further, if you recognize attractive and positive behaviors, share that with the person–affirm their positive behavior and make them feel appreciated. Feeding the connection with positive reinforcement will nurture the connection and feel good for both of you. Kindness feels good, whether you’re on the giving or receiving end. And if the chemistry is good, positive affirmation can also provide some momentum to the connection.

All Systems Go: No Serious Mistakes Detected

We all have histories. To be ready for right relationship, we need to learn and evolve from our histories rather than let the baggage from our history burden us and the potential of future relationships. And, we deserve romantic partners who do the same.

If you’re actively engaged in being the most evolved version of yourself that you can be and you don’t see any behaviors that are red flags or dealbreakers from your potential partner, then have fun exploring and enjoying the connection for whatever it can be!

Final Thoughts

We are our histories, but we can use our histories productively, learning from our relationship mistakes rather than being limited by them. With an awareness of our histories and an eye on where we are, we’re empowered to live better, make better choices, and have better relationship(s). Good luck out there!

Up Next: Looking at Dating Profiles–Photographs

Doing a Relationship Autopsy

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Relationships begin from a place of Hope, taking a jump of Faith with another person that travelling down a road together is better than travelling it alone. But break ups happen. Hope and Faith aren’t enough to guarantee relationship success. When this happens, it can be helpful to perform a Relationship Autopsy to better understand why the relationship was ultimately unsuccessful.

Relationship Autopsy Defined

Just as a post-mortem on a body tries to find answers about the cause of death, a Relationship Autopsy is for trying to understand why a relationship didn’t work out. It’s not about casting blame, rather it’s about trying to step back and take an objective and analytical view of the relationship’s issues and its failure to thrive.

The Purpose

The point of doing a Relationship Autopsy is to have insight into Why a relationship or relationships didn’t work. Understanding the Why behind a relationship’s failure empowers you, as you go forward, to address or recognize any issues in future relationships.

You may discover that you have behaviors to own and address. There may have been some red flags that you missed and should have paid more attention to. Maybe the Relationship Dynamic was unhealthy. Perhaps the person was simply a bad fit, and you want to steer clear of certain behaviors or qualities going forward. You may realize a character flaw in the person you were with that sabotaged the relationship.

It’s essential to be as objective as possible, even though that’s hard when emotions run strong. You can’t change or fix another person, only they can do that. Focus you’re energy on what you have power over:

  • Acknowledge any behaviors that you need to work on, so that you can improve yourself and what you bring to relationship.
  • Acknowledge any failures to recognize fatal shortcomings in the other person, so that you can be more attentive to red flags in the future.
  • Acknowledge any toxic Relationship Dynamics, so that you can recognize and avoid them in the future.
  • Consider any challenges of the larger context/situation of the relationship that may have been unsurmountable or sabotaged the relationship.

Once you determine the Whys, you can work toward any needed self-improvement and choosing a more suitable romantic partner in the future.

How to do a Relationship Autopsy

When doing a Relationship Autopsy, there are four main considerations–the role you played; the role your former romantic partner played; the role of the Relationship Dynamic; and the larger situation/context of your relationship.

Your Role in the Relationship

When reflecting on your role in the Relationship Dynamic, be honest and own your shortcomings. Try to be neither defensive, nor berate yourself, as these are unproductive emotional responses.

Your purpose is to analyze the relationship as objectively as possible. To do this, you need to lean into a rational space. This will help you determine how you can do better going forward. Self-awareness is growth-oriented and a positive relationship trait.

For instance, I recognize that in the past, I wasn’t always as flexible and open to compromise as I should have been. I also wasn’t always good about standing up for myself and communicating my needs, leading to anxiety on the front-end and resentment down the road. These are areas that I’ve worked to improve.

As part of the analysis of your role, consider traits or patterns of your behavior that your partner mentioned as problematic or hurtful (e.g., Too smothering? Too inattentive? Flaky? Inconsiderate? Not a good listener?…). Consider whether or not those complaints are valid–maybe they are; maybe they aren’t.

Their Role in the Relationship

When considering your partner’s role in the relationship, don’t play the blame game–that’s leaning into emotional space and isn’t conducive to gaining insight. Instead, zoom out from your emotions to take a more objective perspective.

As you reflect, ask yourself:

  • What were your romantic partner’s shortcomings?
  • What drove you bananas?
  • What hurt your feelings?
  • What made you feel devalued?
  • What personality traits annoyed you, angered you, or turned you off?

Make note of any patterns of behavior in your former partner(s) that was problematic, that you may guard yourself against partners with these behaviors in the future. Try to be as specific as possible. The more clarity you have on what doesn’t work for you, the more easily you’ll be able to recognize those shortcomings and behaviors when you see them.

Further consider–Did your partner do their best to be their best self and partner in the relationship? If they didn’t make the effort to be their best, then there’s nothing you can do except choose a better partner in the future.

If they did their best, then be kind in your assessment of them. Either way, as long as you put forth your best self in partnership, you deserve someone who does the same.

Another consideration–Did they put the relationship first or their self-interest first? Did they see disagreement as something to work out or as a conflict to win?

I’ve been in couples therapy where instead of discussing our issues respectfully, my “partner” refused to give any validity to my feelings and point of view. He seemed to think that therapy was to determine a winner, with our therapist acting as the referee. If one person in the relationship wins, then, by default, the other loses. That’s neither a relationship move nor a love move.

The Relationship Dynamic

Sometimes two people doing their best still isn’t enough to make the relationship work. In this case, consider the Relationship Dynamic–the unique energy of the space created when two people interact. How did you feel in that space? Did you feel seen and heard in that space? What was the chemistry of that space?

Consider anything unhealthy patterns of interaction between you and your partner. For instance, when I’d tell my ex how his actions hurt my feelings, his predictable response was to get defensive, turning it around on me, “I’m not the one who does that, you are.” There was no way for me to be honored in a context where my partner couldn’t even validate my feelings.

Reflect on your Relationship Values, what you want in a relationship and how you want to feel in relationship. Which of your Relationship Values were met in the relationship? Which Relationship Values were inadequately met? Likely, you will find that some of your values were met (otherwise you probably wouldn’t have been in the relationship), but others were not.

Relationship Drama

When thinking about your Relationship Dynamic, consider the role of Relationship Drama in that dynamic. Was drama minimal/non-existent or did it have a predominant role in the relationship? Drama isn’t a healthy way to interact or resolve conflict, but some people thrive on it and create it. I’ve been in a relationship with a partner who created drama. I didn’t feel emotionally safe in that relationship, and it wasn’t a place where I was able to thrive.

Areas of Conflict

At some point, all relationships will be tested by disagreement or challenges. How you and your romantic partner handled these moments is a reflection of the health of your Relationship Dynamic. Were you still able to interact and partner in a healthy and respectful way toward each other? Or did it become a situation with a winner and a loser?

Think about what communication looked like when you disagreed about something. Use specific disagreements/fights that you remember. Carefully consider each of your roles in the dynamic, being mindful to own your role, whether you have bad behavior to address, or whether you put up with toxic behaviors from your partner. Ask yourself which of the following dynamics pertain:

  • Did you feel seen and heard? Did you make an effort to see and hear them?
  • Were you both able to stay reasonably rational even though you disagreed? Or did it escalate into emotional drama?
  • Did you feel your point of view was respected or demeaned? Were you respectful of their point of view?
  • Was their silence/no speaking from either or both of you?
  • Were either or both of you passive-aggressive? Did either of you play the martyr?
  • Was there blaming involved on either side? If so, was it justified or not?
  • Did either of you get defensive?
  • Were disparaging and disrespectful remarks ever made? By who?
  • What was the voice level? Reasonable? Raised? If raised, how much?
  • Did disagreement involve a lot of drama? Was it volatile?
  • Did you ever feel emotionally or physically unsafe? Did you ever make them feel that way?
  • Did disagreement stay on topic or commonly devolve into a rabbit hole of historical wounds?

If you feel that you and your partner navigated conflict in a healthy way, then kudos to you. That’s a difficult thing to do at points of conflict, and it speaks well of both of you. If not, hopefully you’ve discovered some think-abouts that you can address going forward.

A dynamic involves action and reaction. Think about how disagreements began and how the dominoes fell from there. Try to connect the dots of the cause-effect of your arguments as much as you’re able. How did you come to your partner when you were upset about something? How did they react? Alternatively, how did they come to you when they were upset about something? How did you react? What behaviors were productive in that disagreement and what behaviors were unhealthy?

And finally, how was conflict resolved? Were you able to come to an amicable decision? Were you able to reasonably compromise? Did it end in a stalemate? Did you do your own things? Conflict will arise in all relationships, and it’s important to have a path toward conflict resolution that works for the relationship, not just one partner. I was in two different relationships where instead of partnering with me at our point of difficulty, my partner told me, “I’m going to do what I want to do.” I ended both relationships.

The Context of the Relationship

Sometimes two people have a compelling connection, but the larger context of their lives creates challenges that are difficult for the relationship to surmount. The challenge of this context may even be a source of conflict.

There are many different things that could make a situation difficult for the relationship to thrive:

  • Professional obligations: lots of travel for work; working odd shifts; long hours; military deployments; etc.
  • Geography: long distance, a tricky commute; etc.
  • Lifestyle: rural vs urban; level of physical activity; outdoors; maritime; travel; particular hobbies/pursuits etc.
  • Religious differences
  • Political perspectives (How do James Carville and Mary Matalin make it work?)
  • Health issues
  • Relationship with exes (Don’t get me started.)
  • Children (I still remember the Match profile from years ago where the guy had six children. No.)
  • Living situation (Living with parents? Sharing a home with an ex? No thank you.)
  • Sexual proclivities

Do you see any external challenges that created issues in your relationship? If so, you’ll want to factor this into consideration as you discern whether future situations are a context within which you can thrive.

You many also want to consider whether anything you did contributed to make the situation more difficult than it needed to be. Were you too inflexible? Did you empower and prioritize another person over your romantic partner (e.g., a parent, ex, friend)? If so, can you do something differently to ease the context of future relationships?

What to do with the Results

Once you’ve spent time reflecting and analyzing what did and didn’t work in your relationship(s), you can use that knowledge to empower you in your search for a future romantic partner.

Be Your Best You

Use the insight you’ve gathered to identify any areas where you have work to do as an individual and as a partner, that you can bring your best you to relationship, and be the best partner you can be. As long as you choose a partner who makes the same effort, this will set you up for a better chance of relationship success.

Choose a Romantic Partner Carefully

If you bring your best you to relationship, you deserve the same from a partner. Use what you’ve learned about past relationships and partners to inform your selection of future romantic partners.

Pay close attention to both what worked and what didn’t in those relationships. As you make new Romantic Connections, use that information to discern whether they have either any of the positive traits or, on the flipside, any of the negative behaviors that you’ve identified from past relationships.

People are always giving us information through both their words and their behavior (Make sure their words and behavior match–if not, that’s problematic!). It’s your responsibility to pay attention to that information and compare it to your learned relationship history to set yourself up for a successful relationship in the future.

And, now that you’ve put some thought into analyzing past relationships for healthy and unhealthy behaviors, you can apply that same skillset to relationships in the present tense. By doing so, you’re able to recognize and respond to any problem behaviors in real time, hopefully averting the need for an autopsy.

Final Thoughts

For whatever reason you’re single, you have a relationship history. By autopsying relationships from your past, you can diagnose any unhealthy behaviors or traits to help inform you in making better choices going forward. Also, keep in mind what did work, to help you recognize those qualities in potential romantic partners. In my next post, we’ll examine how to apply what you’ve learned from your past relationships. In the meantime, good luck out there!

Up Next: Remember and Apply What You’ve Learned

Relationship Values: Fun

/ blackbirddiaryblog

Recently, a romantic connection that seemed to have potential didn’t work out. He was a great guy with a lot of qualities that I find attractive, but it wasn’t enough. We weren’t right. Something about our Relationship Dynamic didn’t work for me.

When discerning the viability of a romantic connection, I pay close attention to learning both the man, as well as our Relationship Dynamic–the shared space of a Venn Diagram created where two individuals come together. And, when a romantic connection or relationship doesn’t work out, I perform a Relationship Autopsy (more on this in my next post), analyzing what aspects of the Relationship Dynamic didn’t work, so I can use that knowledge to better inform my discernment of future connections and refine my search appropriately.

Over time, the autopsying of relationships and their dynamics has led me to recognize some Relationship Values that I hold, qualities that I need for the Relationship Dynamic to be successful. In autopsying the failure of this recent connection, I realized a new Relationship Value—Fun. And, while this wasn’t the only reason the Relationship Dynamic didn’t work for me, it was a significant one.

Fun

Catherine Price, author of The Power of Fun, defines ‘Fun’ as a synthesis of three states–Playfulness; Connection; and Flow (being fully present to the moment without distraction). I love this definition. Fun is dynamic; Fun is interactive; Fun is attentive. This resonates as true with me.

I’ve often adventured solo in my life, for lack of a companion, because I’d rather adventure alone, than not at all. But, I’d hardly label a solo adventure Fun. It’s in sharing that adventure with a playful and connected companion that makes it Fun.

And yet, Fun doesn’t require adventure, though it does call for connection and a companion. Fun is a shared lightening of spirit, engagement, and activity.

Fun can be as grand as a gondola ride on the Grand Canal or a day drinking mint juleps and betting on horses at Churchill Downs. But, Fun can also be as simple as playing hide and seek in the aisles of a Chicago grocery store or drinking cocktails outside as day turns to dusk. The right person can make the quotidian compelling. Fun is not just about doing fun things, but it’s dependent on having the right companion for whatever the activity may be.

The Role of Laughter

Laughter, for me, is an essential component of the chemistry of attraction. When a man can make me laugh, it’s a huge turn-on. Conversely, a relationship dynamic lacking in laughter falls flat, like champagne without its effervescence.

My dating profile summary alludes to this:

I am looking for someone to share and enjoy life’s journey with. Someone to hold hands with in good times and bad. Someone who can appreciate me for the person I am. I want someone who has depth, compassion, brings out the best in me, can intellectually stimulate me, and who can make me smile and laugh. An intellectual man who can make me laugh is a turn on (Yes, I’m sapiosexual). I need someone who can keep up with me and keep me on my toes–I like a good repartee.

Lorraine Bracco Finds humor essential as well. In the April/May 2025 issue of AARP (Yes, I’m over 50), she says, “I’m single and I’m sure someone will arrive. I believe in love. What do I look for in a man? A sense of humor is extremely important. And I like a guy who’s sure of himself. I’m sure of myself, so I want him to be rock steady.” Amen. Hopefully, we’re not looking for the same guy. I don’t need Lorraine Bracco as competition…

The connections that have held the most power for me over the years have been the ones where laughter was a natural part of the connection. I remember with fondness, and sometimes wistfulness, the men who’ve made me laugh. The nature of their humor differed–playful; subtle; clever; sarcastic–but with each, their sense of humor was innate, not contrived. And the shared laughter and banter made our time together Fun.

The Lack of Laughter

The failure of my recent connection is hardly the only one which has fallen flat for lack of laughter. A couple of years ago, I liked Pierre, but I wasn’t feeling the chemistry. It occurred to me one day, that he’d never made me laugh. Our conversations, though pleasant, lacked the element of Fun.

Much like my recent experience, Pierre was a great guy, but the lack of shared laughter left me feeling disconnected. I was missing the spark necessary to light my fire.

You

What creates the spark of a chemical reaction for you? What qualities in a connection turn you on?

If you can’t readily answer those questions, reflect back to past connections where you felt the kind of chemistry you seek. Consider what qualities from those individuals turned you on and/or energized the chemistry of your Relationship Dynamic. Do you see any patterns of connection and chemistry in those qualities?

If you can pinpoint a pattern of chemistry in your connections, that may be a Relationship Value for you. And knowing that can empower you in your search for connection going forward.

Final Thoughts

What is essential for you in a romantic connection? Do you know your Relationship Values, those must-haves? If not, it’s worth the time to identify them so you can more easily recognize right connection, and quickly weed out the wrong ones. Have fun, and good luck out there!

Up Next: Doing a Relationship Autopsy

Q & A: Intimacy without Commitment

/ blackbirddiaryblog

A Reader recently sent me the following question:

This one is less practical query, more subjective musing…. I think your readers would be interested in an honest exploration from you of the role of NON-long-term, non-committed intimacy in dating.

While I’m sure that most, if not all, of us are genuinely looking for the last/best relationship of a lifetime, I feel like for people in my age group, there’s also room for, and value in, the “in-between” —  intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness) without the expectation of it lasting forever.

There have been a few times in my experience when communication about such things has been good enough that it’s possible to navigate this with nobody getting terribly hurt. Though the chance for an imbalance in expectations is always there.

I know this is a loaded issue, and that male / female perspectives may be very different (or not as different as i think a lot of people assume). Anyway I’d be really interested in hearing you wax philosophical about this from your perspective as a woman with significant dating experience.

To begin with, I think the Reader is spot on in his thinking and musing. I agree that most of us ultimately do hope to find, “the last/best relationship of a lifetime.” But if that isn’t happening (yet), what about other relationship options? Let’s consider…

Terminology

While the type of relationship the Reader is describing sounds like Friend with Benefits, I personally dislike that terminology. FWB connotes a casual relationship–a friend who you hook-up with sometimes. Also, as someone from a certain age group, it feels sophomoric, and it doesn’t seem to adequately match the quality of relationship the Reader describes.

The Reader describes a relationship of, intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness) without the expectation of it lasting forever. Intimacy, friendship, and emotional closeness to me indicate more than simply a friendship with a sex add-on. On the spectrum of relationship, it seems to lie beyond FWB, but stops short of a last/best relationship.

As an English major, I appreciate the nuance of words and like them to suit the situation. So, what terminology best fits?

  • Situationship? Maybe. That signifies an undefined relationship, but I agree with our Reader, that communication in this scenario is important. Yet much like FWB, I find this term sophomoric as well.
  • Lover? This achieves the sense of intimacy, but it’s a broad term that doesn’t address commitment or lack thereof.
  • A fling? That connotes a brief love affair, as well as a casting off–the latter, not so flattering an association.
  • A flirtation? Perhaps better, it indicates being amorous without serious intent. Yet that seems to fall short of the intimacy (not just sex but friendship and emotional closeness), that our Reader describes.

For our purposes here, let’s refer to this type of relationship as an “Interlude.” This term signifies both the “in-between-ness” that Our Reader mentions, and it also suggests something with a beginning and an end. It’s a more sophisticated term acknowledging that such a relationship may not be a committed relationship, but a more (amore?) refined term to denote the Reader’s desire for emotional connection and intimacy, as well as physical intimacy.

As for its lack of permanence, an Interlude serves as a type of relationship to fill an emotional and physical romantic space in the meantime, on the way to the last/best relationship most of us seek.

Know Yourself

When considering whether to have an Interlude, begin with from a place of self-scrutiny. Our Reader sounds very comfortable with such an arrangement, but not everyone would be. Be aware of your limits and what you can be comfortable with.

Myself, while I’ve had such connections in my journey, I generally find this a difficult space to inhabit. I tend to only be sexually aroused by men who I feel strong emotional connection with. If I don’t feel the emotional-sexual connection, then I’m probably not interested in pursuing more. And, if I do feel a strong emotional connection with a man, then I tend to want more from the relationship, not limitations in time or level of commitment.

When such a man imposes limitations on what we can be, I find maneuvering that space challenging. And frankly, I don’t appreciate being “good enough” for an Interlude but not worthy of being considered relationship material.

The Reader asks for a female perspective. While I hardly speak for all women, I think this is a common point of view for many women. That said, just as a man might be looking for a certain kind of companionship while seeking for his last/best relationship, there are certainly women who’ll be open to considering anInterlude as well. And, though it’s not a preferred place for me to dwell, I’ve visited it. I’ve had phases in my life where I’ve been more or less willing to get involved in such relationships, depending on how I’m feeling at the time.

This is where I think it’s important to know yourself and what you can handle. Can you handle that level of emotional and physical intimacy, yet still maintain a healthy emotional remove and work within the limits of an Interlude?

Also consider, Who can you handle such a relationship with and still find satisfaction in the Connection? There are some men who I can’t handle such a relationship with, and yet there’s a man who I’ve managed to maintain such an intermittent flirtation with across the years. We have emotional connection, friendship, and strong physical attraction, yet we’ve never manifested as a committed relationship.

In determining whether or not this might suit you, consider specific past connections that never quite got off the ground. Think of how you felt with each person and whether you could’ve emotionally handled that level of emotional and physical intimacy with imposed limits.

Or, if you’ve had a Romantic Interlude before, reflect back on whether or not that worked for you. Was it emotionally messy? Did it provide welcome companionship?

Consider any current relationships you have where you feel connected, but there doesn’t seem to be relationship momentum. Zoom out and examine your thoughts and feelings. Does a Romantic Interlude feel like an attractive option? Or does it feel emotionally dangerous?

Consider the Other Person

Our Reader has good impulses. He states, “There have been a few times in my experience when communication about such things has been good enough that it’s possible to navigate this with nobody getting terribly hurt.“

When pursuing a Romantic Interlude, it’s key to consider not only whether you’re emotionally comfortable in this space, but is the other person? If you care enough about someone to wander down the road of both physical AND emotional intimacy, then you probably care enough about their well-being that you don’t want them to get hurt.

The best way to discern whether the other person can handle such an arrangement would be, as our Reader says, good communication. Such communication would need to clearly express what your limits are and ensuring that they’re comfortable with those limits.

It’s also worth considering, based on your knowledge of the person, your own perception of whether or not you think they could handle an Interlude without being terribly hurt. If you sense that they couldn’t, then perhaps it’s best to not broach the topic at all. Rather, enjoy the relationship for what it already is without pushing at its limits.

Pay Attention to the Signage

As your Interlude plays out, pay attention to the signals that you’re receiving from your companion, both verbal and silent. Do they seem comfortable and relaxed? Do they seem wistful? Do you sense they’re pushing for more? Alternatively, are they pulling away?

Also, zoom out and examine your own feelings about the Connection. Is the Connection satisfying in the way you’d hoped? Do you have concerns or misgivings?

If no particular concerns arise, then enjoy and savor it for what it is while it lasts. But remember, by the very nature of it being NON-long-term, non-committed, it will probably play out at some point. Pay attention to the signage so you’re aware when the Interlude has reached its coda.

On the contrary, if you sense that maybe the Connection is worth exploring in a more committed long-term capacity, pay attention to whether you’re getting any signaling from your companion that they may or may not be feeling the same. Again, as our Reader stated, communication will be crucial to ensure that both you and your companion are on the same page about the limits of the connection or expanding its potential.

By paying attention to the signage you’re getting, both from own your feelings and perceptions, as well as any signals or communication from your Connection, you’ll have a good sense of when it may be time to shift gears or whether it makes sense to maintain your course.

Final Thoughts

While the focus of this post is on Romantic Interludes, ultimately, I hope you find your last/best relationship of a lifetime. I do love the way our Reader worded that. In the meantime, enjoy any Interlude(s) and maneuver them carefully. Good luck out there!

Should You have any questions, please post them in the comments below or send them via my Contact page.

Q & A: How do I Respond When I’m Not Interested?

/ blackbirddiaryblog / 1 Comment

A reader recently posed the following question to me:

How to approach the problem of responding (or not) to someone who sends you an ardent and self-revealing message, but whom you simply have no interest in dating. Just not responding is obviously an option. But when they really put themselves out there, I feel shitty about meeting it with radio silence.  I’ve got my pat “You seem great but I don’t think we’re a match” message. But what I’m really flummoxed by is the following case: What to do when all indications are that someone is completely simpatico with you, on all kinds of levels that truly matter — except that you don’t find them at all physically attractive. My usual line in that case seems hollow and odd; yet I just can’t speak the whole truth. Help! 

His concerns are heartfelt, and he poses many good questions. Let’s break this scenario down.

You’re Not Interested…

When you’re in a dating context and like someone, but not in the romantic sense, it’s an uncomfortable spot. Our reader obviously has an admirable compassion. Dating’s a tricky gig, and hurt feelings, or in this case, hurting feelings is one of the tricky bits. Making ourselves emotionally vulnerable is an unavoidable part of the gig. Sometimes we get hurt. And sometimes, we wound others, even if it hurts us a little too.

….Because You’re Not Physically Attracted

There are a lot of different elements in discerning whether someone is a good romantic match or not, but I usually use physical attraction as my starting point.

People get on dating platforms with a myriad of intentions. Personally, I’m not on dating platforms to make friends (some people actively are), but to find a romantic partner. To that end, the first area of discernment for me is always the profile pictures. If I’m not physically attracted or can’t visualize potentially being physically intimate with the man, then I don’t bother going any further. Physical intimacy is an important part of a romantic relationship for me, and it’s essential that I’m physically attracted to any man I’m with.

There are a lot of interesting men that I’m not physically attracted to, and there are also men who I find physically attractive but lack compelling personalities. Personally, I want both. I think most of us do. The question becomes–How much time and energy are you willing to put into a connection (made in the context of a dating platform) that doesn’t hold romantic potential for you? Are you open to making friends along the way, or are you on the dating platform with a single-minded romantic focus?

If you’re single-minded in your purpose on platform, then you may want to use physical attraction as a starting point in your discernment, before moving on to personality. For me, this looks like not interacting with a man who I’m not physically attracted to, so as not to lead him on or encourage him.

If, however, you’re open to making friends along the way, then you’ll need to maneuver carefully in how you handle that on a dating platform.

…But They’re Simpatico

Sometimes you’re allured by someone’s personality, but the connection doesn’t make sense on a romantic level. Again, it’s a tricky space, especially if you meet on a dating platform, where the given context is romantic. I’ve been on both sides of this scenario.

So, Do You Choose to Interact?

This is where you need to decide if you’re open to making/seeking friends on a dating platform in a continued contact way; whether you’re willing to interact to be polite; or whether you’re going to limit your interactions to people with whom you see romantic potential.

As I mentioned, when I look at profiles, I always start with the photos. If I’m not physically attracted, I don’t go further. When men reach out to me who I’m not attracted to, I don’t respond so as not to lead them on. The further one walks down that road, the messier it gets. I choose to abbreviate rather than stretch out any disappointment.

I’ve also had the situation where a man wasn’t interested in dating long-distance, but was nevertheless taken with my profile and wanted to get to know me. He was comfortable with putting limits on our relationship, but I’ve found those limits difficult. While I continue to engage with him, I’ve had to create my own boundaries to protect myself emotionally. Limits beget limits.

Visualize relationship as the shared space of a Venn Diagram. When you meet someone in a romantic context, but you’re not romantically interested, you’re shrinking the shared space. In turn, they’ll likely shrink that space further. How much time and energy are you willing to devote to that shrinking space?

If you decide that you’re intrigued enough by personality to choose to engage, then be sure to define your limits upfront, so as not to lead them on. This will take some tact, and they may not be interested in walking down a platonic path.

One way to frame this is some variation of, “I don’t feel that this is the relationship I’m looking for, yet I find you really simpatico. Would you be interested in continuing our conversation? If not, I totally understand.” Phrasing it this way defines your limits upfront, and while probably disappointing on her end, you’re also giving her the power of choice to say no.

They Put Themselves Out There

As for the ardent and self-revealing message where she put herself out there–Good for her! Again, making ourselves vulnerable is part of the gig we accept with dating. That she’s being vulnerable and authentic is a strength, not a weakness.

That doesn’t mean your romantic disinterest won’t wound her, but rather by being so forthcoming, she’s demonstrating a courage many people lack. Dating would probably be a much more simpatico experience in general if more people conducted themselves with her level of authenticity.

How to Respond

If you do choose to respond in some form, rather than radio silence, then it’s thoughtful to both honor her good qualities and likability, while also being clear that she isn’t a right fit for you. Your statement, “You seem great but I don’t think we’re a match” accomplishes this, but let’s look at how we could improve upon the flatness you’re feeling.

As a teacher, I’m trained to give specific feedback to students regardless of whether I’m praising or critiquing. Instead of “Good job!” I would say something along the lines of, “You read that so fluently!” or “You did a great job sounding that word out carefully!”

To that end, in addressing her good qualities, something more specific might give your response more dimensionality, such as, “I’m so impressed with your authenticity” or some other quality that you find attractive. Alternately, use language that sounds less canned than, “You seem great” and more like yourself, such as, “You seem simpatico in many ways.”

As for letting her down, while “I don’t think we’re a match” is clear without being unkind, I usually say something along the lines of, “I’m not feeling the chemistry that I’m seeking in a romantic relationship.” The power in this terminology, for me, is that it goes to you are two unique individuals seeking chemistry. If the chemistry isn’t working, it’s not because anything’s wrong with either individual, but rather the relationship dynamic itself.

Final Thoughts

Dating is a tough and vulnerable gig with a lot of hard feelings. For most of us, it’s a means to an end–finding a stable loving relationship. Meanwhile, we subject ourselves to an emotional roller coaster in seeking that stability. Our reader is going about it with compassion. May we all do so to make a hard thing easier on others.

If you have any questions, please send them my way. See my contact page or scroll down and write a question in the comments below.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Why Not?

The Preciousness of Connection

/ blackbirddiaryblog

As individuals, we each have certain predispositions of personality, inclinations, and curiosities. As we come into ourselves over time, we tend to settle further into who we are, shaped, of course, by our experiences and how we grow from them or fail to. Who we are affects who we connect with and what we bring to relationship dynamic.

My last post probed the preciousness of One, the singular, the individual. When seeking romantic relationship, we commonly refer to a search for “The One.” But not anyOne can be “The One.” That’s why when you find a right person, that Connection is precious as well.

Connection is the Exception, not the Rule

There are many things to consider in seeking a romantic partner–compatibility; how they make you feel; does the relationship/situation make sense in your life; are you physically attracted to them–but Connection is more than that. Connection is an amplification of compatibility, feeling, and attraction. It’s a mutual recognition where you see and feel seen by each other, an intuitive “getting” each other, and a compulsion to know each other better. It’s the spark of life in relationship.

You aren’t going to find that kind of Connection with a random person or dating profile. The rarity of such Connection is part of its preciousness, like a gem. And while you’re not going to have Connection with every person you encounter on your romantic quest, optimally, dating is a discernment process through which you discover Connection or, at least, the kind of people you Connect with, making it easier to pinpoint good possibilities as you go forward.

A widower recently told me that, once he started dating again, the only thing important to him was that the woman was pretty. Now, several years later, he realizes that isn’t enough. While I question that he was ever shallow enough that looks were the only thing that mattered (How about some general compatibility or common interests?), as he’s continued on his journey, he’s discerned more of what he wants in a partner.

When I see a dating profile where the man says he’s not sure what he’s looking for, I know he’s early on his journey, and he’s not for me. I know well the kind of men who I Connect with and what I’m looking for in a man at this juncture, and one of those qualities is a man who knows what he wants as well.

It hasn’t always been that way, but that’s been part of the journey. When I started dating after my divorce, I went out with several men who were wrongs before I finally found a right man, and when I did, I fell for him hard. Funny thing is, I’d been with that kind of man before…

Recognizing Connection

Isaac was an echo across time of my college sweetheart. Ted was an art history major, now a conservator at the Met; Isaac, the director of a prestigious art museum. They’re both classic tall, dark, and handsome. They’re both intellectual and witty. It turns out that Isaac was the middle-aged version of the kind of man I was attracted to as a young woman.

So, Laura has a type. The art-type piece isn’t an essential part of the equation, though it’s certainly serendipitous and indicative of particular inclinations. When Isaac came into my life, I knew right away that he was the kind of man I wanted to be with. And after Isaac dumped me, I wondered, where I am I going to find another man like this?

The answer, I realized, was likely not in Lincoln or even Nebraska. If I hoped to find another such man, it would require me broadening my search geographically, so I did. As a result, I’ve made more special Connections, but even so, those Connections are far between–several months or years apart with thousands of profiles in between. Part of the preciousness of those Connections is the preciousness of each individual man and part is the rarity of finding such a Connection at all. It’s the unicorn in a herd of horses. Or the Whooping Crane amid a flock of Sandhill Cranes.

In grad school, I lived near the Sandhill Crane migration route and watched their migration annually. At that time, amid their flock was an orphaned Whooping Crane who they’d adopted as one of their own. For those of you who aren’t birders, a grown Whooping Crane is a full foot taller than a Sandhill Crane, and if you drove around the countryside watching the cranes feed in the fields, it was easy to spot the Whooping Crane, should you be lucky enough to come across it. It stood out from the rest. So does true Connection once you learn to recognize it.

With time, I’ve become skilled at recognizing such Connection quickly, or alternately, the lack of it, the latter of which spares me wasted time and energy on matches which are ultimately ill-suited. For me, Connection largely has to do with physical attraction, intellectual stimulation, how I’m treated, and a sense that I’m seen and heard. If I feel seen and heard by a man, he’s both treating me respectfully, but also “getting me.” If we can look each other in the eye, a very specific kind of looking at each other, whilst having stimulating, fun, and sexy conversation, that’s Connection. As Carrie Bradshaw would say, “Zsa zsa zsu.”

If you’re at a place in your romantic journey where you have a strong sense of what and who you seek, congratulations! Having a strong sense of the kind of match you seek and Connect with allows you to date with more purpose in your search for a romantic partner.

If you’re still not sure who or what you’re looking for, that’s worth discerning, and you have some information to go on, even if you’re returning to the dating scene after a long hiatus. Reflect on your dating and relationship history–where have you felt strong Connection before? What qualities about that/those persons and your relationship dynamic made you feel that way? Try and be as specific as possible. The more clarity you have on what draws you to people and makes you feel Connected, the more purposeful you can be in your romantic search.

Connection is Mutual

Connection is mutual, otherwise, it’s disconnection or lack of connection. You can’t be Connected to someone who isn’t Connected to you. That’s part of the power of Connection–it’s fueled by the mutualism of feeling. And again, that’s a rare, and therefore precious, thing.

Though Isaac and I have never been in a committed relationship, after a decade in my life, he said to me, “We are Connected.” Yes, we are; it’s mutual. We both feel it.

Evan said to me, “We are kindred spirits.” We are indeed. I feel it too.

Damon and I had a second date. You don’t do that long distance if you aren’t interested. And though there wasn’t a third date (his call, not mine), for over a year after our last date he looked at my profile with regularity, despite scant communication. If he didn’t feel some Connection, he wouldn’t have bothered to look at all.

Grieving Connection

Connection, though powerful, doesn’t guarantee relationship success, because Connection doesn’t necessitate that both parties are willing to commit to doing the work of relationship, and relationship requires an effort by both. If relationship were only about Connection, I wouldn’t still be single. I’ve Connected.

David often talked about the power of our Connection. More than once he told me that when he dreams about people he knows, they never look like themselves, yet whenever he dreamt of me, I always did. He put that down to the strength of our Connection. We both recognized our Connection quickly and were swept up in it. At some point though, the power of our Connection was too much for him. He panicked and retreated, emotionally devastating me.

The higher you are, the further you have to fall. When Connection doesn’t work out, it’s painful. The more emotionally Connected you are, the more emotions you have to navigate when the Connection misfires. That’s not just disappointment, that’s grief. And grief can arise regardless of how briefly you dated or whether you were even in a committed relationship at all, because grief is emotion and Connection is an emotional manifestation of a relationship. Connection is something you feel.

That feeling, that sense of the Other being so very special, that hurt when a Connection doesn’t work out and the person removes themself from you, goes to the preciousness of Connection. If the Connection wasn’t precious we wouldn’t mourn it.

Connection is Precious

I’ve had committed relationship without Connection, and I’ve had Connection without committed relationship. While I prefer the latter than the former, ideally Connection and committed relationship are aligned. However, that takes both parties recognizing the preciousness of their Connection and acting on that.

I’ve had Connection with men who recognized our Connection, yet failed to follow-through with action. Disappointing on my end, and I can’t help but think Foolish on their end, but that’s their choice to make, and they have their reasons. Yet it feels like a beautiful waste.

If you have Connection with someone, recognize and appreciate how lucky you are. You have more than relationship, you’ve hit the mother lode, a rare and precious gift. Don’t take it for granted. Don’t squander it. Don’t play games with it. Follow it. Cherish it. Accommodate it. Prioritize it. Be grateful.

Of course, your other option is turning away from Connection or settling for less than. But if your goal is a romantic relationship, why would you want to do that?

And If you’re still seeking that elusive and lasting Connection, you’re not alone. Persist. We may have Connections behind us, but surely there’s another ahead of us waiting to be found. Carry on with your search, being mindful to recognize Connection when you’re blessed with it.

Good luck in your search!

Up Next: Dating Don’t–Be Defensive

The Preciousness of One

/ blackbirddiaryblog

At this point in life, we have histories. We’ve done a good share of living, learning, loving, and losing. Being single at this point generally comes with having lost a relationship, a partner, or a connection, possibly many relationships, partners, and connections.

Not too long ago, my friend Evan told me how, “…lucky I am to have been loved by so many women…” In saying this, he was expressing both a gratitude for being loved by those women as well as an appreciation of them.

While his gratitude is admirable, and I’m thankful for the men I’ve had in my life, to my own mind, I find his statement unsatisfactory. It doesn’t match the experience I’ve had nor want to have.

I’ve certainly been through my share of men. Each man was special in his own right, and while my romantic life has been quite the adventure, most of the men have disappointed me in one way or another. Sometimes the disappointment was simply that they didn’t stick it out with me. Other times my disappointment in them led me to move on. And sometimes, they were fine men, but the relationship dynamic was lacking, a different kind of disappointment.

My desire has never been to have a string of men and adventures, but rather to have One man to adventure with. Likewise, I ultimately want to be appreciated in the singular sense, not as part of someone’s plurality.

So, while appreciative of the men who’ve been part of my story, they’re no solace to me. With our endings, some of their luster faded as they receded into the multitudes. I continue to seek the man who’ll stand out from the multitudes, the One apart from the many. The One who I can count on and who bests the rest.

There’s a potency and preciousness in the individual that is somewhat diminished when they become part of a plurality. One is easily lost in a crowd.

On a different note, consider the tragedies of Gaza and the Holocaust. The scale of suffering and death in both cases are staggering to the point of being hard to process. The scale is overwhelming to fathom, yet the numbers and statistics have a sterility about them which emotionally distance us from the horror.

Numbers may outrage us, but the potency of those tragedies is in the stories of the precious individuals who’ve suffered and died. It’s the individual stories that move us. That’s where we connect, that’s where we understand, with singular stories.

When One of the multitude is seen and heard, it humanizes and moves us in a way that a number cannot. Think of the girl in the red coat from Schindler’s List. Visually singled out by the red coat, amid the violent chaos surrounding her that’s so hard to fathom, She becomes precious to us, a story that moves us because she is One.

Each of the 6,000,000 European Jews who died was also One, but we cannot process the number of the multitudes as we can the One. We connect to the stories behind the numbers. It’s easier to relate to the singular than the plural. Spielberg knew that, thus the shot of the girl in the red coat.

Palestinian poet Mosab Abu Toha, recently interviewed by Scott Simon of NPR about his poetry and the devastation in Gaza, said, “…what the news is doing is depicting a list of names. If someone has his name on the news, he’s lucky to be recognized as a person with a name or an age. But what the news failed to do is mention that these people existed as individuals–people with their dreams, their hopes, their previous lives, their family relationships.” By being reduced to a list of names, the individual is lost, and some go unnamed altogether.

Each One individual is precious, and each One has a story. We write our stories and who we choose to be and what we choose to do with our preciousness. What do we strive for? How do we choose to manifest in this world? Do we go forth in Love? In Judgment? In peace? In conflict? Broadminded? Narrowminded? How do we impact others’ stories? Are we able to see the precious of the Other?

This takes me back to the question, posed to me a few months ago, On the Paradox of Choice–“What about the paradox of choice that comes with internet dating? Is it real?” Where dating is concerned, the internet presents us with multitudes. Each profile represents an individual, and each One has a preciousness to them. We can choose to mingle with the multitude of profiles or we can separate ourselves from the pack and find the One.

That said, not everyone can be the One. Right relationship isn’t just about inserting a new person into your life, but finding One whose preciousness you see, who sees yours in turn, and with whom you have the preciousness of connection, recognizing that preciousness, and honoring that preciousness with follow-through.

For me, I seek One man. One right man who steps out from the multitudes, who lets me into his story, and who finds his way into mine, not just as an episodic adventure, but as a primary character. One man who, despite our mutual imperfections, sees the preciousness of my singularity and sticks it out with me, doing the work of relationship that we may enjoy the pleasures of relationship. One man who will Go All In and choose me, rather than receding back into the multitudes. One man who–like the song in A Chorus Line–sees my One1-ness.

And that’s where the preciousness of connection comes in. In singling each other out, you’re saying to each other, “You’re special and I recognize that.”

So, while grateful for the men who’ve been part of the adventure of my romantic storyline, when they fail to separate themselves from the multitudes and manifest a permanence, they lose some of their preciousness to me, for somehow the preciousness of our connection failed whether the failure was their lack of fully appreciating its preciousness, whether it was taken for granted, or whether that preciousness was somehow tarnished.

I strive to manifest an expansive, grounded, learned, and loving presence as I go forth in the world. I see my own preciousness, something I wasn’t always able to claim. When I feel that my preciousness isn’t fully appreciated by the men whose preciousness I’ve recognized, it grieves me. And dealing with the preciousness of those lost to me is too overwhelming–unless I allow them to recede into the multitudes.

When I become cynical about whether or not I’ll ever find the loving relationship that I seek, I remind myself that I only need One man to get it right with, just One. There are multitudes, and I only need One. That shouldn’t be too impossible, should it? I can continue to look for him or give up. I choose to keep looking.

Final Thoughts

As you go forth, remember that you are precious, and do your best to see the preciousness of others. May you find a connection as precious as you are. Good luck out there!

1Ironically, in contrast to the lyrics, the video clip of the song One shows the whole chorus line rather than having a single standout member. Gotta love irony.

Up Next: The Preciousness of Connection

Maneuvering Complicated Relationships

/ blackbirddiaryblog

If you’re over thirty and single, it’s likely not because you’ve never had a special romantic connection, but rather that the connections you’ve had miscarried for one reason or another. The fallout from such a miscarriage can be a complicated space to maneuver.

Scenario: You Walked Down that Road, but it Didn’t Work Out

Single at this point in our lives, we’ve all visited this scenario, yes?

When David and I found each other, I thought my days of searching were behind me, that I was done collecting stamps in my passport and had finally arrived at my destination. He said, “I’ve been looking for you so long,” and “I never want you farther than an arm’s length away,” and “I want you here with me in Santa Fe.” He made me feel like THE woman. And yet, as you may infer from the heading, it didn’t work out.

Some part of David panicked about commitment. He came back a few times, but, inevitably, he always panicked and disappeared. At some point, he asked if we could be friends. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t going to be just another ex-girlfriend who’d shifted into the “friend” category. That would’ve devalued the power of our connection. And frankly, I couldn’t emotionally handle being “friends” with a man I loved so deeply. As emotionally difficult it was, it was easier to extricate him from my life altogether.

Damon and I only had two dates, but with long distance, you don’t bother going on a second date unless there’s some compelling chemistry on the first. And though there wasn’t a third date (his call, not mine), he played peekaboo with my Match profile for several months after our second date, looking silently but not actively engaging with me. He clearly liked me, but also had reservations.

A little over a year after our second date, Damon finally stopped playing peekaboo At that point, it was a relief. As long as he played peekaboo, it kept the flame of little-h hope alive, a wistful place to live. When he finally disappeared, it made it easier to face the reality that We weren’t going to happen.

With both David and Damon, if We weren’t going to work as a couple, it was emotionally easier to not interact with them at all.

Yet with Stanley, who I dated for four years, I’ve managed stay amicably connected. Why can I manage maintaining contact with him versus David and Damon? Perhaps with Stanley, it’s as simple as I’m the one who called our relationship off, so I’d already made peace with no longer being an Us. On his end, I think he initially held out hope we’d reconcile. Now, he’s remarried, so that hope’s in the rearview mirror, yet he still seems able to comfortably interact with me without the hope or expectation that we’ll ever be more than we currently are.

With some men who I’ve been romantically involved with, I’m able to handle maneuvering the tricky space of our post-romantic connection and with others, I can’t. Likewise, I’ve had men that post-romance couldn’t handle maneuvering that space with me. And that’s fine. It’s a tricky space to maneuver.

When faced with these tricky spaces, we each need to find what we can handle; what we’re comfortable with; and what, within reason, we want to, and are willing to, make of that space. Most importantly, how can we make that space an emotionally healthy place to inhabit? If we can’t, we may need to abandon that space altogether.

Scenario: The Chemistry is Strong but Relationship Doesn’t Manifest

This is a scenario that I’ve recently been struggling with in my own life.

I became acquainted with Evan over a year ago. He lives in Florida and, from the beginning, made clear that he didn’t see a long distance relationship “in the stars” for him. Despite that, he was taken enough with my Match profile that he felt compelled to get to know me. Our first phone conversation lasted four and a half hours. The words between us flowed easily. He said that we’re “kindred spirits.” We clicked.

On my end, I found (and continue to find) Evan attractive on many fronts–he’s tall and good-looking; he’s stimulating conversation; he’s compassionate and considerate; he’s successful and ambitious; he comes with a great (British) accent, and he’s the one of the funniest people I know. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel appreciated. He makes me feel cared for. He’s the kind of man I seek as a life partner. And while I’m grateful for our connection, it’s always been bittersweet for me–the sweetness of our connection coupled with the bitterness of the limits he’s imposed upon it.

Of late, as sweet as Evan is, the flavor I’m left with is bitter. The feelings have become too hard. Why now? It’s complicated.

Perhaps it’s because the flirting’s taken a heavier turn than it has in a long time, stirring up my emotions and desire–something I can’t afford to do when the signage on the road to him reads “Dead End.”

Or maybe, as a “friend” with chemistry, I’ve surpassed my threshold of tolerance for hearing about the women he’s dating.

Maybe it’s that he’s recently mentioned dating possibilities with women out-of-state, but retains his no-long-distance limits with me, suddenly making his lifestyle choice seems more like a personal rejection. At this point in my life, that doesn’t sit well with me.

And frankly, the juxtaposition of hearing about other women; having limits enforced on our relationship; yet simultaneously being sexually enticed is, well, emotionally discombobulating.

In all of this, of course, I recognize feelings of jealousy, and I don’t like feeling that way. I want Evan to be happy, but right now, I’m unable to bear witness to that happiness regarding other women. It’s a tricky emotional space to maneuver. Too tricky for me right now.

So, what to do when you’re feeling tricky emotions? Create emotional distance as you’re able and set boundaries to take care of yourself.

For me, that means that I need to step back from our relationship for now. I need to take some time away from him to allow my emotions to calm. And as long as there’s “Dead End” signage for me on the road to him, I need to set my own boundaries (i.e., no heavy flirting) to be able to comfortably live with his limits. I need to find new ways to maneuver in this relationship, because The Way We Were isn’t working for me anymore. Our relationship isn’t just on his terms, but also on mine.

And yet, conversely, there’s Isaac. He’s been in my life for over a decade now. Our chemistry and connection are strong, yet it also come with limits. Isaac’s limits. With time, I’ve learned to negotiate those limits in a way that I’m struggling to with Evan right now. I can indulge the heavy flirting with Isaac in a way I’m currently unable to with Evan.

What’s the difference? Time, perhaps. Or maybe different relationship histories and origin stories. But ultimately, each relationship has its own unique dynamic and what works to maneuver one connection successfully might not work for another and might not work consistently across time. Find your comfort zone for each unique connection and across time.

Scenario: The Interest is One-Sided

In this scenario, there’s an imbalance in the level of interest. One person has romantic feelings that aren’t reciprocated–the “unrequited love” of literature. But if it’s not requited, is it really love or simply a crush?

With Pierre, while I was intrigued enough to get to know him, I soon realized I didn’t feel the chemistry of romance. When I expressed this to him, he wanted to stay in touch, to “be friends.” We continued to talk for a while, but he began to push at the limits I set, as if I could be convinced to have feelings for him. When he was unable to accept my limits without trying to push beyond, I had to go from being friendly to curt, in order to make my point.

I met Keith walking on the trail near my house. Our acquaintance began as simply a smile of recognition. One day, he broke the ice and we started talking. Eventually, we become walking buddies. I liked Keith, but never felt any romantic chemistry with him. One day, he asked if he could kiss me. Politely, I declined. I valued our connection, but desired nothing more than friendship with him. He accepted that, and we remained friends. He’s now married to someone who suits him much better than I ever could have.

In the case of men who I don’t feel romantic chemistry with, I’m careful not to flirt with them whatsoever, for if you don’t have romantic inclinations for someone, it’s unfair and unkind to flirt and lead them on. To flirt where you lack intention or desire is about ego and game-playing. We’re not in high school anymore, and we should be beyond such behavior.

Maneuvering

This past summer, I went on a date with a birder. From him, I learned many interesting things about birds, including that birds who live in forests tend to have long tail feathers for quick and precise maneuvering among the trees. Birds who live in open spaces tend to have shorter tails, as they have no need for such maneuvering. This strikes me as a good analogy for different kinds of relationships.

Our easier, more straightforward relationships are the open spaces where we can soar and freely explore the expanses. No deft maneuvering required, no “Dead End” signs.

The forest is full of trees to maneuver around, obstacles to straightforward flight. Obstacles are the limits and complications in our relationships, the tricky bits. It takes skill to maneuver in these spaces, sometimes more skill than we may possess.

In maneuvering your complicated relationships, the key is being respectful of others whilst also taking care of yourself, whether you’re establishing limits for yourself, abiding by someone else’s limits, or working within the limits of the situation.

Considerations for maneuvering your complicated relationships include: the value of the person/relationship to you; what limits you’re comfortable with; what limits you may need; how you feel; whether or not any emotional discomfort is manageable (and worth the discomfort); whether you feel able to maneuver the tricky spaces; and if you need to create emotional distance or potentially remove yourself from the relationship altogether.

Scenario: You’re In a Relationship

When you’re in a committed relationship, that person should be the priority, and it’s your job to ensure that they feel they are. To that end, consider whether you need to put additional limits on any complicated relationships that you have. If the person you’re in relationship with feels justifiably threatened or jealous, you risk the relationship and losing your person.

For me, that means that when I’m in a committed relationship, I establish boundaries on any flirtatious activity outside of that relationship, such as with Isaac. I don’t sever the connection, nor do I go silent, I simply pull back from flirtation. When in a relationship, I save the flirtation for the man who offers me expanses, not the one who imposes limits.

Final Thoughts

There are many scenarios that can make a relationship complicated and tricky to maneuver, and each relationship dynamic is unique. Find your comfort zone where you can remain emotionally healthy within each of your complicated relationships, and remember that what that comfort zone is may change with time.

Take care of yourself and good luck maneuvering out there!

Up Next: The Preciousness of One