Anymore, there are constantly trending dating topics. Some current ones are the alpine divorce, ghostlighting, the loneliness of young men , etc. We’re at the mercy of the Social Media age with its hashtags, echo chambers, and the irony of its social isolation whilst we’re simultaneously over-connected. Social Media quickly recognizes and communicates these trends, but it also exacerbates the underlying social phenomenon being recognized and named. Perhaps Social Media is even responsible for the creation of some phenomena. The phenomenon Heterofatalism particularly intrigues me, because I live in its neighborhood.

Heterofatalism Defined…Kind of

Sexuality scholar Asa Seresin coined both the terms Heteropessism and Heterofatalism, the latter being an evolution of the former. I’ve seen varying definitions of the two.

Urban Dictionary defines Heteropessimism and Heterofatalism interchangeably as, “Also called heteropessimism, heterofatalism is an attitude of embarrassment or negativity towards one’s heterosexuality. Heterofatalism consists of a performative disaffiliation with heterosexuality and a desire to have a different sexual orientation.”

I’ve also seen articles which discuss nuances between the terms. In her Forbes article, The Emotional Cost of Dating Men and How Women are Rewriting the Rules Ximena Araya-Fischel distinguishes the two terms:

“Heteropessimism refers to the ironic detachment and performative complaint about men while still participating in heterosexual dating. Its emotional tone is often askew and cynical…,“

…and “Heterofatalism, on the other hand, carries a more profound resignation: the belief that dating men may be unsatisfying, but there’s no better alternative. Its tone is more defeated and ambivalent, emerging from emotional labor burnout and accumulated relational hopelessness…”

Araya-Fischel further declares, “Unlike Heteropessimism, which performs emotional detachment for irony or cool-girl effect, Heterofatalism carries a heavier emotional resignation.”

The Problem with Narrow Definitions

I’m an English major and logophile, a lover of words and language. Language evolves over time, with certain words falling away and others being added to the lexicon. The problem I’m having with the terms Heteropessimism and Heterofatalism is that the definitions I’ve come across are both inconsistent and narrow. Whatever you want to call it or whichever definition(s) you land on, both Heteropessimism and Heterofatalism are concepts that are trying to put words to an observed social reality. The more narrowly you define that reality, the more people you leave out, even if they live in the neighborhood.

Me

I have no desire to be other than I am, a heterosexual woman. But, I do see myself living in the neighborhood of Heterofatalism. My feelings and experience are part of the social reality that is being recognized, whether or not I fit the narrowness of the definition.

My generation of women was raised with the promise of Disney princesses who always got their prince and a happily ever after ending. That’s a pretty unrealistic expectation to set us up for. Meanwhile, though the women’s movement was underway during my youth, there are still men of my generation who have a sense of male entitlement, often with no self-awareness of such.

My personal frustration as a 55 year old heterosexual woman comes from years of working to be my best self and from putting time and energy into understanding the milieu of dating, relationships, and men, yet still being single. And I’m still single, because I won’t settle for less than I want and deserve. I’m lonely, but I’d rather be lonely alone than lonely in relationship, because the latter comes with a suffocating stuckness. I know, because I’ve been there.

Why haven’t I found the right man? I’ve found many men who weren’t really compatible or to my type. There are the men who were condescending or mansplained or angry or assholes. There were men who hadn’t done the work they needed to do on themselves. Plenty of men failed to treat me right. Some men didn’t prioritize me, and I moved on. And there’ve also been some perfectly lovely men who I simply didn’t feel the right chemistry with. The right man? I’ve found some right men, but for one reason or another, it hasn’t worked out. Sometimes that happens. And that frustrates, disappoints, and pains me. That’s my personal story, but we all have a story.

While I can get frustrated, disappointed, sad, and admittedly, on my bad days, even bitter and resentful about my single status, I’m also empowered enough that I don’t need to settle. That’s the empowerment of my generation of women–we have our own careers and autonomy; we don’t need to tether ourselves to a man for financial security. While single is not my ideal, I have the resources to remain single if I don’t have a more attractive option. Historically, that hasn’t always been the case for women. I’m grateful for that autonomy, because I’d rather be single than settle.

Beyond Me

That is my story, but there are plenty of other stories in the Heterofatalism neighborhood. Heterofatalism is a recognition of a social truth that is much broader than the narrow definition allows for.

Other Women in the Neighborhood

Some women in the neighborhood have given up on dating and happily so. It just isn’t worth it to them anymore, and they’d rather prioritize living their life on their terms. Some of them prefer being single.

Other women, like my friend Kate, would like to be in a right relationship, but aren’t willing to put the energy into dating at this time. She’d rather put that energy into other things.

And certainly, there are other women who feel the pessimissm of dating as a heterosexual woman, yet are willing to settle to be in a romantic relationship, ultimately placing the value in companionship itself over right companion.

Men in the Neighborhood

And, let’s be fair. Women don’t have a monopoly on being frustrated and pessimistic about their dating experience. There are plenty of heterosexual men who live in the neighborhood too, with their own legitimate frustrations about dating and dating women.

We’re in this Together

Dating is not an us vs. them, nor a who-has-it-worse competition. We shouldn’t be going into dating on the defense. We should go into it with the vision of finding someone to be our teammate, rather than viewing our dating pool as our opponents.

The big picture is, that whatever our experience or outlook is, we’re in this together. We all have a range of experiences and responses to our experience. No one group holds a monopoly on loneliness, frustration, grief, or, for that matter, success. We are better off if we choose to see each other as individuals and honor each other’s experience with empathy.

Social Media and the current climate of polarizing politics can lead us to tunnel vision and echo chambers, reinforcing our negative emotions and experiences. Within this context, it’s easy to feel cynical. I suffer from SAD, which for me dials up the volume during the winter on any negative emotions I’m already feeling. That makes it easy for me to lean into bitterness and pessimism. But negative emotions can handicap us. I know that I’ve let negative mood prematurely derail a potentially good connection. While negative emotions may be legitimate, they don’t lend themselves to fostering positive connection. And personally, negative is neither who I want to be, nor how I want to feel.

It’s in our best interest to zoom out and see the bigger picture, to look past the labels and Social Media trending topics to recognize each other as individuals with histories. If we can manage to unpack our own baggage in tandem with honoring, rather than scrutinizing, each other’s journeys, we can get to empathy, something which, to our own detriment, we’ve culturally drifted away from.

Empathy fosters connection rather than divisiveness. Empathy allows us to overcome and rise above the outright cruelty of some of the dating trends. An alpine divorce? If you don’t like someone, just break it off, don’t put them at physical risk. Ghostlighting? Make up your mind. If you’re not interested, move on. But don’t fuck with people. How did we get here? What have we become? Empathy is how we rise above and overcome the petttiness, indifference, and cruelty of our larger social context. Empathy is how we become better humans, how we are humane, and how we ready ourselves for connection.

Final Thoughts

Dating is hard, and it comes with plenty of emotional ups and downs. While online dating platforms have given us the opportunity to connect with people we may not have encountered otherwise, they come with frustrations too. As our lives have gravitated more online, it’s both easier to connect with many people, yet we’ve ironically become more socially isolated and lonely. Social Media exacerbates much of that experience. It’s bad enough that some people are even seeking companionship from AI.

To rise above and be better than the social trends which are culturally dragging us down, pay attention to individuals and see people through an empathy lens. Honor your justified negative feelings, but don’t marinate in their brine nor lead with them in your interactions. Look for the good in people, in yourself, and in your life.

May you find the good and good connection. Good luck out there!

• On Heterofatalism (and other Trending Topics)
• Beware: How to Spot Fake Profiles
• Relationship Values: On Being Seen (and Heard)
• Q & A: What is a Committed Relationship?
• Oh so Cliché…

Up Next: Zoom Out