Seeking Gratitude in Here on the Way to There

/ blackbirddiaryblog

So, how are you? By the time this piece publishes, it will be the New Year. How are you feeling about it? What do you want from it? I certainly have some ideas.

I write my posts several weeks out, so it’s early November as I write this. I find the particular time of this writing and publication quite apropos to where my head and heart are currently. The timing straddles many themes that resonate with me–the Gratitude of Thanksgiving; the Waiting of Advent; the Hope of Christmas; the Darkness of the Winter Solstice; Hanukkah’s Festival of Lights; and the sense of Opportunity that comes with a New Year. You’ll note that there’s a tension between these themes.

In that vein, at dinner with my friend Jeff last night, he posed the question, “Are you content?”

“No,” I responded.

“Why?” He further inquired, “You have such a good life.”

“Yes, but I want more,” I answered.

And that’s what I’ve been struggling with lately–balancing gratitude for the life I have whilst simultaneously continuing to push at my life in the ways that I want it to expand. Perhaps you’ve experienced this yourself?

Seeking More

What do I want? I want a lot of things…

Relationship

I’m 53 and I’ve been single a long time. I’ve had some bad relationships and some great connections, but somehow I’ve made it this far into my life without having the satisfaction of a good relationship with a great connection in a lasting way. Every time I’ve had a great connection, it hasn’t worked out for one reason or another. It’s frustrating.

I’ve done the work to be the best version of myself that I can be. I continue to try and evolve toward an ever-better and more enlightened me. As a result, the caliber of men I date has improved. And yet, the romantic relationship I seek still eludes me. Again, it’s frustrating.

It’s frustrating going through profiles and not really connecting with any man in a meaningful way for long stretches. It’s frustrating when another good possibility doesn’t work out. And it’s frustrating bearing witness to others becoming single, and then to see them pair up and remarry whilst I remain a party of one.

And yet, better to be single than settle. I’ve settled in the past, and I know better now. I’m a passionate woman seeking a man who arouses my passions, not one who I resign myself to. I seek the romantic partner who’s a sigh of relief (not resignation) in my life. I’ve had that before and grieved its loss. I seek it again.

Perhaps some of you readers can relate to this frustration?

Of course, the stretches of famine in my love life are hardly my only area of frustration…

Career

For the past quarter century, I’ve made a career of teaching. Of late though, I’ve become disenchanted not with my work, but with the context within which I do my work.

Perhaps you’ve heard of some of the upheaval in education of late? Book bans; irate citizens and parents at school board meetings; Betsy DeVos and the Koch brothers’ efforts to undermine public education; pandemic protocols; hybrid and remote learning; violence in schools (A couple of years ago a fifth grader brought a loaded gun to the school I work at. Fortunately, tragedy was averted.); the intrusion of religion into public education; and the politicization of early literacy instruction (This latter may be unknown to you, but it affects me significantly as this is my area of specialty).

Add to that, I crave change. A quarter of a century is a long gig, and I don’t want my life to be one thing. So I push at that, writing, blogging, exploring coaching, but it’s a process, and I haven’t fully manifested at my desired level yet. In a few more years, I’ll be retirement eligible, meantime, I juggle the push toward where I want to go with finding as much satisfaction as I can in where I’m at.

Are there new experiences that you still want in your life? Are you working toward manifesting those experiences, whether professional or recreational? How is that going for you?

Location

I’ve spent most of my life in Lincoln, Nebraska. I stayed local for college, then life unfolded and I settled in here, both family and career-wise. With my divorce came a parenting plan that held me here. Now, I’m close to getting a pension, so for the time being, I stay.

There’s a lot to like about Lincoln. Like me, it’s grown up rather nicely. I have a solid support system here. I know the prairie and its beauty well, but I want new geography to explore. There’s a theme here–I don’t want my life to be one thing, same samity same same.

Are you finding the gratitude in your Now? Are you actively working toward any More that you want in your life?

Seeking Satisfaction in Today while Keeping An Eye on Tomorrow

This is the dichotomy that I straddle daily, finding peace and gratitude in my life as it is now (A good life, just as Jeff asserted.), whilst stretching to make my life even more. How to effectively do that?

Now is All We Have

While I want to keep pushing at what my life can be, Now is all we truly have. Our days are finite, and we don’t when we’ll run out of tomorrows. The death of my ex this past year really brought that home. He was younger than me, and he ran out of days. Tomorrow is not a guarantee.

Jeff was debuting his most recent tattoo at dinner–a canoe in a woodland lake setting. On the canoe, in all caps, was the word, “NOW.” There’s power in recognizing the significance of NOW. My life might not be all that I want it to be, but my friend Jeff is right–I do have a good life. I have a good home. I have secure employment. I enjoy having my youngest son and a cat as roommates. I’m healthy. And I realize all of this is transient.

I’ll be an empty nester in the near future. I hope to retire in a few years and relocate. I strive to enjoy THIS, NOW, what I have, while I have it, before it becomes memory and is gone.

That, even though I want more.

Finding Gratitude

I have many tools and strategies to help me be mindful and grateful of my Now, and I use them consistently. While money imposes limits on my life, and I worry about it more than I like, I’m also able to do the things I enjoy within those limits, such as travel, go out, and buy myself those heels that are calling to me (especially if they’re on clearance).

As I walk through my day, I actively make note of the things I’m grateful for and try to savor cherished people and experiences in the moment. And yet…

And Yet, Sometimes it’s Hard

Sometimes even with all my intentionality to see the metaphorical water in the glass, I’m overpowered by the part of the glass that’s empty. And while I don’t want to succumb to the what-isn’ts of my life, sometimes the effort not to falls short.

This time of year, always a struggle for me, further amplifies any such feelings. The older I get, the more sensitive I am to the cold and lack of light that come with the onslaught of winter. Enough so, that I got my SAD light out this year in September-–BEFORE the equinox. The darkness is both literal and metaphorical.

So, how to both up my gratitude game and also find the momentum for more? That’s the conundrum I currently face, and with some reflection on the matter, I’ve come to the realization that I haven’t had much time for ME lately. In the past few months, I’ve had various obligations that have gotten in the way of ME-time. While I don’t regret prioritizing these things, it’s been at the expense of myself.

As my friend Ted once said to me, “Remember, you come first.” Much like the flight attendants instruct us to put on our own oxygen mask before assisting others, we aren’t much good to others if we’re not okay ourself.

How about you? Are you adequately taking care of yourself?

Self-Care

There’s a lot of talk about self-care these days, but the challenge of self-care isn’t only doing things for yourself, but being protective of your time so that you can, even if there are other things and people that you want to honor as well. I may not be able to manage as much control over my experience as I wish, but what is within my control? How can I care for myself better?

To take time to better care for myself, I booked myself a cabin in Grand Lake, Colorado for the Thanksgiving weekend. A Thanksgiving hike will be a Gratitude Walk, a clearing of my head space in the mountain air. I’ll run away from my life, to replenish myself. I’ll make something happen in my life rather than waiting for something to happen.

What are you doing or not doing for yourself? Do you need more? How can you claim your more, even within the limits of your status quo?

Stretching Toward Tomorrow

As I live in my Meantime, I’m actively trying to work toward the more that I want in my tomorrow. Whether the more that I seek will manifest at the level I desire, I don’t know, but I do know that chances are that if you don’t help the things you want to happen, they won’t. Seeking more demands an active, not a passive stance. Don’t wait for good things to come to you; go seek out the good things.

If I want to make more happen in my life, I have to actively work towards making those shifts happen, giving them momentum. I have to help luck happen. No one’s ever won the Powerball without first buying a ticket.

For me, that looks like continuing to actively engage on dating platforms in the hope of making the connection that finally locks in; blogging and upgrading my website; researching how to start/run a business; and researching retirement locations.

What’s the more that you seek in your life? How are you actively trying to help it happen and give it momentum? Is there more you can do to stretch yourself toward manifesting that?

It’s a Process

I can recognize that I have much to be grateful for, yet still feel unsatisfied. Gratitude isn’t a switch that can simply be flipped from off to on–I’m neither ungrateful nor basking in gratitude. I recognize that there’s water in the glass, but also that the glass isn’t full. They’re mutually true realities. And, it just so happens that I’m thirsty.

So, How to feel the Gratitude more deeply and manifest the more I’m after? It helps to keep things in perspective and remember that most situations aren’t binary (Gratitude off/Gratitude on), but are a dimmer switch that you gradually nudge in the direction you seek over time.

To that end, while my life still hasn’t manifested at the level I want, in the past dozen years, I’ve had some amazing experiences and met some incredible men as a result of the ways I’ve pushed at my life. And I’m grateful for that. But, I still want more. So, I keep pushing.

With the New Year, come resolutions for making life shifts and self-improvements. I’m not one to make resolutions myself, as I believe that Any Day can be The Day that you make a revolution in your life. But if you have a resolution or a shift that you want to make, try thinking of that shift as a dimmer switch, rather than setting yourself up for a binary pass/fail situation. Give yourself the gift of grace.

And I need to remember to do the same. As I write this, we’re still moving into darkness toward the Solstice, but by the time it posts, we’ll be on the other side. Sometimes we have to pass through darkness before we return to the light. And in the meantime, find gratitude for the light we still have.

Final Thoughts

Whatever your personal struggles or triumphs may be, as we move into this new year with all of its unknowns, I hope you’re able to find gratitude in your past, your present, and the future which lies ahead. Within the darkness, I hope you’re able to find the light. And as you nudge yourself toward anything more that you seek in your life, remember to give yourself grace along the journey.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: The Role of Momentum

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