Dating

Relationship Values: Expand My Universe

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Allow me to tell you about the Tom Ford room. Stay with me; I promise I’ll get to Relationship Values too.

A few summers ago, while in NYC, I spent a day at The Metropolitan Museum of Art. Wandering around the galleries, I came across the entrance to the exhibition In America: An Anthology of Fashion. Despite my passion for fashion, I almost walked on. After all, I’d already spent time with another fashion exhibition, In America: A Lexcion of Fashion, and there’s so much to see at The Met–did I really want to devote more of my time there to fashion? Well, yes.

The Assignment

Each period furnished room in The American Wing of The Met was assigned to a different American film director. Their task was to create a narrative scene in their assigned room using clothing from the Met’s collection.

The execution of the task was wide-ranging.

Sofia Coppola

Sofia Coppola’s room was a disappointment. Assigned a 19th century room, she dressed the mannequins in 19th century clothes and placed them in predictable groupings. Uninspired. I could’ve easily accomplished the same outcome or better.

Chloe Zhao

Chloe Zhao’s staging of the Shaker Retiring Room was more interesting. While the room itself is circa 1835, Zhao intermixed period costumes with clothes from the next century, specifically, Claire McCardell pieces from the 1930s-40s. And yet, what a fitting partnership of simple, utilitarian, austere fashion and furnishing.

Removed in time by a century, yet the hardships of Depression and wartime impacted fashion with a similar visual aesthetic that Shakers opted for via philosophy and religion. One of the characters in the scene even levitates! The pairing was interesting, and it worked.

Still with me? We’re almost there; only a couple more rooms to go. It’s worth the wait…

Janicza Bravo

Janicza Bravo’s Rococo Revival Parlor could have been a scene from To Catch A Thief–a lone manequin, clad in a gown that Grace Kelly could easily have worn, was staged in an extravagantly decorated side room. Chairs are pushed aside, the mannequin’s bolero jacket hangs on one chair, her cake plate sits atop another, and her shoes have been cast off–she’s taking a moment. There’s both a palpable external and internal narrative in the composition.

Martin Scorsese

Martin Scorsese was assigned the Frank Lloyd Wright room and rose to the occasion. A party of mannequins dressed in period formal wear and placed in conversational groupings suited the setting. A soundtrack of an intimate conversation between a couple played on a loop–which couple was it? And what about the man(nequin) just outside the window looking in? The scene had an undercurrent of noir. Fashion, furnishing, art, story.

The Big Bang

And then, there was the Tom Ford room…officially Gallery 735.

The Tom Ford Room

The space itself is unique–the room is a large circle with John Vanderlyn’s painting ‘Panoramic View of the Palace and Gardens of Versailles‘ on the wall encircling the space. Two mannequins outiftted as regal doormen greeted me at the entrance. Upon entering, I was gobsmacked.

In the center of the room, the mannequins were in an all out fashion battle, airborne with martial art kicks and dueling swords! They were dynamic and energetic. Ford made them come alive with movement– the fashion simultaneouly still and in motion, like a movie freeze-frame. His inspiration: the Grand Divertissement à Versailles (Great Entertainment at Versailles) Fashion Event of November 28, 1973, commonly referred to as The Battle of Versailles, and so Ford staged it–a literal fashion battle.

The Battle of Versailles

The Battle of Versailles was a fundraiser with five elite French fashion houses (Marc Bohan/Christian Dior; Pierre Cardin; Givenchy; Yves St. Laurent; and Emanuel Ungaro) versus five American ready-to-wear designers (Bill Blass; Stephen Burrows; Halston; Anne Klein; and Oscar de la Renta).

The American designers were the underdogs, and the underdogs flipped it, turning the fashion world upside-down that day. American ready-to-wear dominated French haute-couture with a gut punch. Tom Ford made it a literal kick to the gut! Brilliant!

Mesmerized, I circled the scene processing the fashion, the poses, the setting, the scene as a whole, and all the levels that Tom Ford was hitting it on–historical (the Battle of Versailles Fashion Show); metaphorical (transforming the fashion battle into an actual battle); visual (So dynamic, so colorful, such fashion!); cultural (French culture, American culture, fashion culture); locale (A reenactment of The Battle of Versailles surrounded by a panorma of Versailles.); narrative (What a story!). It was all so pertinent, so perfect, so scintillating.

Spellbound, I couldn’t stop thinking about the Tom Ford room. Back in Nebraska a few days later, I googled ‘Battle of Versailles,’ found a documentary about it (Versailles ’73: American Runway Revolution), and downloaded an app just so I could watch it. I wanted to know more.

Bringing it Back: Relationship Values

Have you ever felt like that about someone? Mesmerized? So gobsmacked that you can’t stop thinking about them? So charmed that you want to explore the niches of who they are and learn them better? You hadn’t forgotten this is a dating blog, had you?

Knowing Myself

As an educator, one of my dating guidelines is that I generally don’t date other K-12 educators. I have no desire to come home at the end of the day and feel like I’m in the teacher’s lounge. I don’t want my personal life to be a redundancy of my professional life. In a lover, I want someone who offers me more than what I already know and have.

I seek stimulation; I need stimulation. Without stimulation, I wither. I need intellectual engagement, and I seek stimulation in many forms–visual, geographical, experiential, physical, cultural, artistic, linguistic, academic, creative, narrative. And that’s what I seek in a partner–a stimulating companion, a man who can expand my universe and understanding, a man who can show me new vistas. I’m looking for the Tom Ford room in a man.

Knowing What I Want

I’ve dated such men–Damon, the botanist; Isaac, the art historian; CJ the test pilot/astronaut; David the writer; and David, the filmmaker, to name a few. They’re men who are actively engaged with the art of living and learning, and this makes them engaging company. I’ve enjoyed having them open their worlds to me, expanding my universe. Anything less would be settling.

If a man doesn’t have expanses to reveal to me, I’ll look for stimulation elsewhere, because expanding my universe is not only a relationship value, but a core life value. I want to engage with my world and keep learning, keep expanding what I know, where I go, and who I can be. And if I want that for myself, then I need that in a partner.

Ironically, by expanding my universe, it shrinks the world, making it more familiar, more intimate, more comfortable, and less intimidating. Simultaneously stimulating and comfortable. That’s the man I seek. The aforementioned men are all Tom Ford room men, and I’ve dated others as well. They’re a rarified breed of man.

While lasting relationship with a Tom Ford room man has eluded me to date, I won’t settle for less. I only need one of them to step it up and stick around. Meanwhile, I’ll keep expanding my universe and hope that maybe someday one of them will.

You

And what about you? What mesmerizes you in a partner? Who has gobsmacked you? What qualities in a match pique your interest and curiosity, making you want even more? Do you want to expand your universe? If so, how can you do that? What would you like that to look like?

If you don’t already know, then consider the questions and ponder the answers. Whatever it is, I wish you luck in finding it if you haven’t already.

Good luck out there!

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

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Dating Disappointment: the Fallout of Connection

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To truly open yourself to love requires emotional vulnerability: taking an emotional chance on someone, investing your feelings with them knowing that there’s a possibility, that in doing so, you might get hurt. We know this, yet we take that chance. We take that chance because human connection, Love, is the most precious part of being human. Opening your heart to someone, to the possibility of Love, is a brave Hope move. Witnessing the preciousness of another human being, and the feeling of being precious in their eyes, is worth that risk. But it is a risk. And sometimes that risk ends in hurt and disappointment if the connection is broken off.

That recently happened to me.

We can’t avoid the fallout when it happens, nor should we try, but we can be intentional about managing our disappointment and hurt feelings. Here’s my attempt to do so.

The Draw

My connection with Jon is the best new possibility that I’ve had in quite a while. We had enough common ground to make us compatible and enough differences to make it interesting. We had a comfortable, but fun and flirty banter. Any awkwardness was inviting, not unsettling. Our connection was intellectually stimulating. And not insignificantly, he made me laugh. Unlike some of my other recent connections, I liked him enough to actively flirt and encourage him, adding momentum to the connection on my end.

He also showed up regularly, giving our connection further momentum. We’re separated by distance, but we communicated in some form–text, phone call, FaceTime–almost daily for a couple of months. We were getting to know each other, opening our lives to each other. And as I learned Jon, I continued to want to learn him better. I started to care about him.

The Drawback

But, of course, for all the draw of the connection, each connection has its drawbacks too, that’s the nature of our flawed humanity.

The Veiled Truth

Jon is somewhat guarded. He has a way of saying something in a roundabout way so that I wasn’t always totally clear on what he was saying–a funny thing in a writer. And he’s a good writer, thus his lack of straightforwardness, his choice of words, is intentional. It was as if there was a veil over much of what he shared–I could make out the shape of what he was saying, but the full picture was obscured, purposefully so.

Or sometimes he’d tell me a generality about himself without filling in the details, leaving his full truth murky even as he revealed himself. So, he doesn’t let people in quickly. Fair, I thought; trust is earned. As long as we continued to explore our connection, I expected he’d reveal more of himself, as happens in all relationships. His reveal, the lifting of the veil, was just a little slower than most.

Our Digital Nature

Due to geographical distance, our interactions were via technology. He said, “I’ve never had a digital relationship.” I made clear that I wasn’t looking for a purely digital relationship, that it was a means of getting to know each other as we discerned whether we wanted to close the distance with an in-person rendezvous.

As we got to know each other better, I deemed him plane-worthy. I threw out the idea of planning a rendezvous if/when he was interested in doing so. He was hesitant, as someone who’s naturally guarded would be…

The Denouement

I saw the end coming. Within a week he went from tossing out the word “love” (in a roundabout way, of course) to fewer and briefer texts–no phone calls or FaceTimes. Knowing that he’d been going through a lot, I gave him some grace, but when I texted, “How are you?” and he responded, “Great!” I knew whether or not his response was honest (I suspected it was somewhat disingenuous.), that was it. He wasn’t just going through something, the momentum had shifted.

As a week or more went by with no communication, it further clarified the ending. Admittedly, I was depressed about it. To his credit, he did finally call because, as he said, “I didn’t want to be an asshole and ghost you.” He certainly waited long enough for me to get the idea before he called, but Jon isn’t an asshole. I never thought he was, or I wouldn’t have liked him so much, and the fallout wouldn’t have been as hard.

Dealing with the Disappointment

While the denouement of our connection was disappointing, I wasn’t blindsided. I was mindful of Jon’s issues, and I noticed the shift in communication. This awareness served to keep my eyes open to our current reality as it evolved. Though the fallout still hurt, the blow of it was lessened somewhat because I saw it coming. Keep this in mind in your own experience--by truthing out the reality of your connection as it evolves over time, you’re more emotionally prepared for any disappointments.

Beware Hope

It’s possible that I could hear from Jon again, sometimes things like that happen. I’ve had that happen with other men, but I can’t invest any hope that will happen with Jon. And even if he does show up in my future, I can’t expect his guarded nature to change. I must accept this conclusion to our connection.

Honor Your Feelings

For the better part of a week, I was depressed as I processed the fallout of our connection. Functional, but sad. We hadn’t been connected for an extended amount of time, we’d never defined our connection as an exclusive relationship, we’d never met, but I’d grown fond of him. I had hope for us. I don’t invest Hope easily these days, and letting go of that hope and connection was hard. And while it was the lost hope of Jon in the specific, it was also the generalized hurt of being let down by so many men across time. The truth is I felt like I needed to cry a little, but the tears weren’t there.

It’s healthy to allow yourself to feel your feelings honestly and without suppresion, even when it’s hard. So, I allowed myself to feel–to grieve as much as I needed to while moving forward as much as I could. And in this emotional space, I watched a video of artist Marina Abramovic performing The Artist is Present, a piece where she’d sit across from complete strangers in silence, with eye contact, for a full minute. In the video, Ulay, her former lover and collaborator, shows up and sits down across from her. Witnessing the emotional intensity of their connection, my tears finally came.

Walk it Out

Physical movement helps me work through strong emotions. The day I told my ex to move out, I went for a long walk with a friend to process the situation. During the divorce, when I was angry, I’d go for a run and pound out my anger on the pavement, my legs like pestle to the sidewalk’s mortar. Whether a calming walk or a more intense physical activity, physical movement can give you space to process emotions, as well as a physical outlet for them. And research shows that physical exercise has mental health benefits.

These days, I’m an avid walker–I usually walk four to six miles a day at a minimum. It’s an important part of my routine for both my physical and mental health. Walking with what’s on my mind and in my heart helps me process whatever’s preoccupying me. I take a little notebook with me when I walk so I can record any helpful insights I have.

As long as the weather’s nice, walking is also time I can spend outside in nature. Nature soothes some of my emotional turbulence–there’s a reason forest bathing is a thing. Nature also touches on the spiritual, something bigger than ourselves. It’s no surprise that spending time in nature is linked to better mental health.

Further, I like the simplictiy of walking. It doesn’t require any special equipment except comfortable clothes and a decent pair of sneakers. I don’t have to drive anywhere; I can just step outside my door and keep going. But, if walking isn’t your thing, you can do a form of exercise that makes sense to you. Whatever that physical workout is, you can use it to do double duty and help work out those emotionally tricky spaces as well.

Write it Out

Writing out my feelings and thoughts helps me sort through my internal processes by externalizing them. Years ago, writing it out might have looked like a journal entry. These days, it might look like a blog post (case in point) or an essay. But sometimes it’s as simple as a Word document to record and acknowledge my internal struggle. Often those notes in my walking notebook show up in a Word document or a blog post later. Notes about processing the fallout with Jon have shown up in that walking notebook, a Word document, and now this blog post.

Research shows that writing about personal struggles also has a positive impact on mental health. No worries if you don’t have a blog–try journaling, start a Word document, or carry a little notebook around with you. That Word document could even be thoughts to share with your therapist–I do that.

If you have words to express to another person and exorcise from your psyche, your writing could even take the form of a letter. And just because your write a letter, doesn’t mean you need to send it. You can write it to someone but for yourself. If sending it’s a bad karma move, then after you write it, burn it, archive it, or read it to your therapist or a friend. Depending on the intensity of your feelings and the relationship, you could even elevate the letter burning into a healing ceremony.

Talk it Out

On a particularly down day, I called my friend Jen. She’s a long-standing friend who I know genuinely cares about my well-being. I knew that I could unburden myself with her safely. It wasn’t a long conversation, but it allowed me to be heard and feel seen.

Importantly, Jen is someone who’ll listen without feeling the need to give advice or to try and put a positive spin on my situation. I can trust her to see my reality regardless of whether it contains sunshine or darkness. She’s comfortable with that level of authenticity. Talking to someone can help you feel less alone when you’re hurting, but make sure to choose someone who can authentically see you where you are without judgment, spin, avoidance, or advice (unless asked for). Those are the true friends.

Of course, the next time I see my therapist, I’ll go over my emotional and mental state with him as well. I don’t go to my therapist for advice, but insights. I want help expanding my thought process. When I go to therapy, I take notes. If I’m particularly troubled, sometimes I even write things out on a Word Document before a session to read to him later. I haven’t done this regarding Jon, but I do have a Word document where I record important parts of conversations with my therapist. I always take my laptop to therapy. In this way, any insights don’t evaporate into the air when I leave, but I have the opportunity to revisit them later.

Clean

Cleaning can be therapeutic. Lately, I’ve put some additional energy into mopping, organizing, and donating/throwing out clutter. The results are visible, thus rewarding, giving a sense of accomplishment.

Cleaning is an active task, inviting energy rather than inertia. Someone once told me that activity is the opposite of depression. That isn’t precisely true, but it holds some truth. Depression and inactivity have a strong correlation, and as I mentioned above, even small amounts of physical activity have proven mental health benefits.

Interestingly, houses have a loaded symbolism in the dream realm. They can represent anything from childhood and family to your own physical body or mental state, the latter being Jungian in nature. You ARE the house. The basement represents the most dark recesses of your psyche. Cleaning house can be therapeutic on a literal level, but it also hints at deeper meanings, reaching into, excavating, and cleansing aspects of your psyche.

Indulge in Things You Enjoy

While I don’t evade my feelings, I do sometimes need distraction from them. To that end, I make sure to participate in activities I enjoy. That doesn’t dissipate any sadness, but it does help counterbalance negative feelings to avoid sinking into them. Often that looks like Happy Hour at my favorite sushi place, where the bartenders know my drink on sight. In the fallout of Jon, I’ve also found myself indulging in binge watching films on the Criterion Channel (lots of film noir).

Art and travel are two other activities that feed my soul. When Jon faded out midsummer, I still had time for a getaway to lift my spirits before school started. I booked a hotel room in Kansas City to get a change of scenery, to take myself out for a nice dinner, and to visit the Nelson-Atkins Art Museum before resuming my routine. A positive distraction and final summer hurrah. Having something to look forward to on my calendar helps buoy my spirits. As part of that, I always try to have a next trip planned or in the planning stage.

Maybe you have a creative outlet–music, wordworking, painting, photography, etc.? Or maybe a physical outlet–rock climbing, bike racing, triathlon, basketball, soccer? Whatever feeds your soul, give it space so you don’t hunger.

Move Forward as You’re Ready

The length of time and depth of connection affects your readiness to move forward. David and I were in relationship for only a few months, yet I grieved the connection for several months. Stanley and I were involved for four years, but I grieved the connection only a couple of weeks–mostly because I grieved our relationship while I was still in it. I broke it off with Stanley five times in the final year of our relationship, slowly letting go of us over time. By the time our ending stuck, I was ready to move forward. With Jon, who I’d had regular communication but never met, I was ready to move forward by the end of the week.

Being ready to move forward didn’t mean that my sadness and disappointment were gone, just that my heart was available and open to the right man. Honestly, I haven’t put much energy into dating apps in the last year as I’ve had enough going on without them. With the fallout of Jon however, I’ve devoted more energy and time to Match than I enjoy (which these days looks a lot like hiding phony profiles), with the hope that it’ll lead me to my next good connection. After getting past the original disappointment, it energized me. If not Jon, then who? I only need one good connection to work out. So, for now, I’m putting effort into looking for that man.

Sometimes I have energy to put into the search for a romantic partner and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I’m emotionally available and sometimes I’m not. I go through phases, depending on my current emotional status and what’s happening in my life. And that’s normal. Read where you’re at emotionally, honor it, and move forward as you’re ready.

Final Thoughts

While writing this post has been a good therapeutic exercise for me, by sharing it in this space, my hope is that you find some useful takeaways. Disappointments happen. Life is full of obstacles. We can’t just brush the obstacles aside. Somehow, we must find our way around or through them.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Take care of yourself, and good luck out there!

Don’t Assume (or: See People for Who They Are)

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As we go forth in the world, ideally we’re authentically putting the best versions of ourselves out there, or at least the best version that we can muster at any given time. In dating, being our best helps us attract better potential mates. In other relationships, it invites respect, appreciation, and grace. It also invites self-respect. As part of being your best you, I invite you to consider how important it is that we don’t assume things about people. Ideally, people won’t assume things about us either.

Admittedly, it is a HUGE pet peeve of mine when people falsely assume things about me. I’m forthright and authentic. I don’t play games, try to manipulate, or have ulterior motives. I’m an empath with strong communication skills. Because of these qualities, when someone assumes something different about me than what I intend, do, say, or am, I find it maddeningly frustrating.

Perhaps, that’s happened to you? Let’s be better than that on our end. By seeing people for who they truly are, we can engage with the world more authentically–with our eyes open.

What Making Assumptions Looks Like

I remember feeling frustrated in my marriage when my ex would assume untruths about me. Enough time has passed that I don’t remember specific incidents, but there was a common pattern–I’d do something with good intentions, and my ex would construct a completely different narrative and motivation for my actions. His explanation wouldn’t match my truth, but it would match the surface actions. And, instead of assuming the best motive for my behavior, he repeatedly chose to assume the worst about me. Again, it’s maddeningly frustrating when you’re trying to be your best, and someone chooses to assume the worst.

J

A couple of years ago, my friend J retired and toyed with the idea of moving to Maine. Years prior, I’d talked with a man who relocated to Maine after his divorce but was miserable there, finding it cold, dark, and tribal. I thought this worth mentioning to J for him to factor in to his decision making.

When I expressed this to J, he responded, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.”

This took me aback. Now, that potentially matched my words and actions if I was trying to be selfish and manipulative, but it was not my truth. And it was deeply disturbing to have my friend of a quarter of a century assume the worst motive for my behavior rather than my true intention, of simply offering him a think-about when making his decision.

R

I was spending a long weekend with R when the first assassination attempt on Trump happened. Though our politics largely align, he’s British, and the drama of the attempt brought out all the things he dislikes about America and Americans–gun violence; divisive politics; loud obnoxious behavior; etc. And with this, he reduced me from a multi-dimensional individual to a one-dimensional cliché. Americans are loud; I’m American, therefore, ipso facto, I must be loud.

At one point over dinner, he verbally attacked me. We were discussing women in Iran and headscarves, when he cut me off and shot me down, firing, “Have you been to Iran? Do you know any Iranian women? If not, you have no right to talk about women in Iran.”

My point was that a woman should have the right to choose or reject the headscarf. He didn’t even hear what I was trying to say, declaring that I had no right to say it. Ironically, he did what the Iranian regime did–denying the voice of woman.

The very next night, the topic came up again and it was clear that he misunderstood what I tried to say (because he didn’t listen). When I clarified what I’d been trying to say, he gave himself a little slap on the back of his hand. Such a charmer.

The Youtube Comment

One of my videos on the importance of representing yourself Authentically received the following comment:

What motivated this video?
Let me guess you rejected a bunch of ugly dudes and then got upset that the handsome man you chose was an ugly dude who catfished you.

The comment’s author doesn’t know me, nor my story. Note the use of the phrase, “Let me guess…,” an admission of not knowing, but of assuming.

As an Academic Interventionist, I work with students who are struggling to learn to read. One of the most basic things I teach them is not to guess, to break them of the habit of impulsivity. I teach them to slow down and use information (in the case of reading this is things like letters and words) and strategies to find the right answer. I do metacognition with students as young as five. Surely, as adults we can be better than guessing. Even my Kindergarteners know that guessing isn’t going to get you the right answer. If so, 2+2 could equal 5.

Jack Ashe’s Ilk (or: You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know)

You don’t know what you don’t know about people. Before I met R, I spent hours on the phone with him. I had no reason to think he was an asshole, and yet that’s what I was confronted with on our weekend together.

So far, all our examples are of people making negative assumptions, but beware of making positive assumptions about people as well. Trust and respect are earned over time with words and actions. Don’t give either away too easily. I learned this lesson long ago.

Jack Ashe was to all appearances a successful businesman. That’s certainly how he presented himself. And wouldn’t it be great if everyone represented themselves authentically? But, as those of who’ve spent any time on a dating platlform know, that’s often not the case. And so it was with Jack Ashe.

There were some odd things about Jack Ashe that didn’t add up–If he was a successful businessman, why didn’t he have a more visible digital footprint? His name sounded kind of funny too. When my suspicions grew, I did a deep digital dive and discovered he’d lied about his name, among other things. There was also that video of a local investigative reporter doing a story about him scamming people.

The takeaway? Don’t assume someone is good, kind, or even who they say they are. Discern the truth of who people are with information, time, and observation.

Seeing People for Who They Are

People are always giving us information about who they are, and it’s up to us to use that information to see them clearly. They give us information in the form of words and actions. Sometimes they represent themselves accurately; sometimes they don’t. It’s up to us to notice if their words and actions don’t match–that’s problematic, but that’s information too.

If someone doesn’t say much, that’s also information. Perhaps they’re quiet, reflective, don’t know what to say, have something to hide, or are guarded about giving out information too readily–all very different potential reasons for the same behavior. It’s up to you to to learn them and see them better with further observation, should you choose to do so.

Before Going on a Date, Do an Online Search

In a dating scenario, it’s a good idea to gather your own infomation to match it against who they say they are before meeting up with them. Do an internet search as a background check on potential dates to see if the online information about them matches how they represent themselves.

If there isn’t much information about them online that’s an orange flag–something to pay attention to. There could be a very innocuous reason such as they have a common name or share a name with a famous person. If that’s plausible, try finding them on social media or through their professional website.

Alternatively, if you’re really having trouble finding anything about them, it could mean they have something to hide–such as in the case of Jack Ashe. It’s up to you to gather enough information to discern more clearly.

Observe and Listen

Pay attention to the information people are giving you with their words and actions. Carefully attend to what they do and say. Make sure that their words and actions match.

Observe their behavior. Even early on, you can learn a lot from watching someone’s behavior. Are they giving you their focus? Are they distracted by their phone? Do they give the attractive person who walks by the table the lookover right in front of you? Is their body language open or closed-off? Their behavior gives you a lot of information.

Practice being a good listener, giving them ample time to communicate. Keep up your end of the conversation, but don’t interrupt or talk over people. Instead, be careful to let them finish before you respond. If R had done this, he wouldn’t have had to slap himself on the back of the hand the next day. Not that he cared.

Ask, Don’t Tell

My friend J thought I had an ulterior motive for telling him about the guy who was miserable living in Maine. He said, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.” He told me my intentions–he didn’t ask; he told. And he was wrong. He failed to see me.

If you want to know, Ask.

I’ve known Chris for several years. Much of the time that I’ve known him, he’s been in a relationship. One night, he came over for drinks, and he wasn’t seeing anyone. We started talking about dating and relationships, and I inquired, “You’re a relationship guy, aren’t you? A lot of the information I knew about him over time indicated that he was a relationship guy (preferring to be in a relationship than not), but rather than saying it as a statement, I posed it as a question. By framing it as a question, I was giving him the opportunity to correct and clarify his point of view, in case I was getting it wrong.

Recognize that There can be Different Explanations for the Same Behavior

Sometimes someone’s behavior and words make their intentions clear, like when R verbally attacked me. There was no nuance, he was quite clearly being an asshole. But often, there can be more than one explanation to match someone’s words/behavior, such as the mismatch between J’s assumption about my motivation and my true intent. For this reason, be careful not to jump to conclusions about someone’s motivations when there might be an alternative explanation for their words and behavior. Don’t be quick to assume the worst about someone. Again, if you’re not sure, Ask.

Discern Over Time

The longer you know someone, the better you can discern them. You’ll continue to learn more information about them, which helps you see who they are with more clarity, but it’s up to you to develop that picture in focus. Despite knowing me for a quarter of a century, something obscured J’s vision about me.

When Someone Assumes Something About You

The more authentic and forthright you are, the less likely people are to assume things erroneously. Yet, despite your best efforts to communicate authentically and clearly who you are, someone, someday, will likely assume an untruth about you. So, how to handle the situation when that happens?

Call Them Out…

If someone assumes something erroneous about you, it’s fair game to call them out. Do so civilly, but assertively. If they’re getting it wrong, you’re entitled to correct them. However, that correction doesn’t mean that you need to prove anything. Don’t let their misassumptions put you on the defense. Correct them, and leave it at that. It’s their choice whether or not they care to see you with accuracy or be blind to who you are. And if they choose the latter, that gives you more information about the kind of person they are.

…or Leave Them in the Dark

If it’s not worth it or that important to correct, you can choose to leave them in the dark. That leaves you with the secret knowledge of your truth, while they remain misinformed because of their own assumptions. I’ve done that with Isaac in the past when he underestimated me, and I didn’t feel the need to prove anything to him. To his credit, he’s learned me better over the years by paying attention.

Final Thoughts

By making the effort to pay attention to the information people are giving you through their words and actions, you’re doing the work of trying to see people authentically. This not only honors others, but it allows you to go forth in the world with your eyes open, seeing the fuller reality.

As you go forth witnessing people for who they truly are, remember that no one has the right to tell you your truth. That belongs to you. It’s up to you to do your best to communicate your truth with your words and actions, but no one gets to tell you who you are–you’re the only person who gets to determine that. Do so thoughtfully.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Relationship Values: How do you Feel?

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A big hurdle in dating is simply finding someone you enjoy and are physically attracted to. When you do find a special someone, the two of you create a new shared space, a Relationship Dynamic, which is much more than the sum of two individuals. How you feel within that Relationship Dynamic largely determines your experience in the relationship. As a result, when discerning a potential mate, how you feel in that Relationship Dynamic is worth paying attention to.

There are all kinds of reasons for relationships not to work out even when there are two mutually interested parties who’d like to make it work. With time and experience, I’ve learned to pay attention to how I feel in the shared space of relationship with a man, whether it’s a first date or an exclusive relationship. How I feel in that shared space is of vital importance. And how you feel matters too.

At this point in my life, I’ve come into my own. I know my worth. If a man doesn’t treat me with the respect and consideration that I deserve, he won’t be around for long. I have no desire for veneration (I’ve been put on a pedestal before, that’s not where I want to live); I simply want to be treated with the same lovingkindness I offer a beloved–to feel appreciated, respected, loved, and cherished. For Love isn’t just a word you say, it’s an action you demonstrate.

Some Bad Examples

I’ve dated and been in relationships with men who I liked, though I didn’t like the way I felt in relationship with them. Remember how Kristin Wiig’s character felt about Jon Hamm’s character in Bridesmaids? She really liked him, but she wanted more from the relationship than he did. And as much as she liked him, he didn’t treat her well. In the end, she recognized that.

Edward

Edward and I spent several hours over several days on the phone before meeting. We were getting along well, and I was excited about the possibility of him. For our first date, he drove to Milwaukee, where I was staying with a friend. Our chemistry was good. By the end of the date, he extended an invitation for me to cut my time in Milwaukee short and come stay with him in Chicago. A few days later, I took him up on his offer.

The chemistry was more awkward in Chicago, but Edward also had a lot going on. He was still moving into his new home, and on top of my presence, he had a lot of domestic projects to attend to. I did my best to be helpful and enjoy our time together as I discerned whether I fit into his picture.

Then came a clarifying night. We went out for dinner and drinks with his daughter and his friend Lucy. It was as if I was invisible. He barely registered my presence all night. It was clear to me that he was in love with Lucy, even though she was married. And I wasn’t going to tolerate being the next best option.

Stanley

I recognized and rejected being second place in Edward’s world quickly. That was partly due to my experience with Stanley, who I dated four years. We had a lot of potential together–we had fun; we were compatible; we had good chemistry. That’s a lot, but ultimately it wasn’t enough, because Stanley never made a clean break from his ex, whose shadow I inhabited throughout our relationship.

When we were in a relationship valley, Stanley sometimes said, “You look/sound miserable.” Martyr that I was at the time, I downplayed it–but he wasn’t wrong. As compatible as we may have been, his co-dependent relationship with his ex undermined any potential we had. It wasn’t just about our issues, but the issues caused by her omnipresence in our relationship, which frankly, were most of our issues.

Admittedly, it felt gross. It was a toxic situation, causing me significant pain and anxiety. I tried to make him happy and do what I could to help the relationship be successful, and he let me do the work. It certainly made it easier on him; I was tolerating the intolerable, and he got a temporary pass.

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but if misery is part of the normal of your relationship, why stay? Ultimately, I didn’t. I left because I realized that I didn’t like how I felt in the relationship. It’s unfortunate that it took me four years to learn my worth and that I deserved better, but at least I learned the lesson. Stanley wasn’t able to honor me adequately, so it was up to me to honor myself. By remaining where you’re mistreated, you’re doing yourself a disservice. We all deserve to be treated with honor and respect in relationship, as long as we’re able to offer the same.

Unhealthy Patterns

The work of relationship was also lopsided in my marriage. In both relationships, I was with a partner who didn’t work to take care of me, of us, and the mutual space we created in relationship. I worked to help the relationships be successful, and they took advantage of my willingness to do the work. But a healthy relationship is two partners working together to take care of and do right by each other. It’s a mutual effort, not a lopsided one.

A younger version of myself brought my personal insecurities into my relationships. I didn’t advocate strongly enough for myself. I hoped to be treated right as a matter of course. Importantly, my relationship with Stanley taught me to stand up for myself. Now, I don’t hope, but rather expect to be treated with respect.

Kate

My friend Kate has had a couple of beaus who were flakes. She enjoyed their company, but when they made plans, she couldn’t reliably count on them to show up. They didn’t make her feel like she was a priority. And, of course, she didn’t like the way that felt. While that hurt, eventually she realized that she deserved better.

Breaking with Pattern: Some Good Examples

There was a lot of emotional drama in both my marriage and my relationship with Stanley. I don’t like drama, and the roller-coaster of emotions in those relationships caused me significant stress. By serendipity, the first two men I dated after Stanley were pilots. Pilots, by professional necessity, must manifest a steadiness and calm. They both did, and I liked how the emotional calm of our shared space felt. Further, after a relationship with a man who was codependent with his ex, I liked the way I felt with retired test pilot CJ, whose gaze made me feel like I was the only woman alive.

That’s how David made me feel too. The mutual space of relationship that we created was a sacred and beautiful thing. It was sexy, intellectual, loving, adventurous, expansive, and supportive. It was everything I’d imagined a relationship could be. Everything I’d hoped for in a relationship.

While my relationships with CJ and David ultimately didn’t last, they taught me how I want to feel and how I deserve to feel in relationship. And I see such relationships among my beloveds–Michele and Mike; Jon and Emilia. Their relationships manifest lovingkindness, a supportive partnership, and fun. Their relationships have bumps, of course, but the mutual love and respect at the foundation of their relationships situates them strongly for riding out any turbulence. I aspire to such a relationship, and I want no less in a relationship.

As for my friend Kate, she’s moved on from flaky beaus. Recently, when a guy exhibited the same flaky behavior, she shut the situation down. She now knows her worth, and she’ll no longer settle for a man who doesn’t treat her accordingly.

Your Relationship History

It’s worth looking back on your own relationship history and doing a Relationship Autopsy to reflect on how you’ve felt in different relationships. This can help you determine if you have any patterns to address in your behavior or if you have any unhealthy patterns in your relationships that you want to avoid going forward. It can also help you recognize partners and relationships that were healthy and where you felt good.

How You Feel

So, while physical attraction and compatibility are important components of a relationship, how you feel in relationship is of profound importance as it’s the context you choose to live in and determines your experience. And you can begin to discern this from your initial interaction with a potential match. All you have to do is pay attention to how they are treating you and how you feel with them.

Things to consider when evaluating how you feel with them:

  • Are they peacocking?
  • Do they make conversation more of a monologue than a dialogue?
  • Are they judgmental or condescending?
  • Is there a lot of drama?
  • Do they seem controlling?
  • Do they reliably show up?
  • Do they seem sincerely interested in you as a person?
  • Do you feel seen?
  • Do they treat you with kindness and consideration?
  • Do they make you smile and laugh?
  • Are you having fun?
  • Do you feel like a priority?

How do you feel when they aren’t around?

Pay attention to how you feel both in their presence and their absence.

Yes, pay attention to how you feel in their absence too. I said this to my friend Evan, and he was reminded of a woman who he was drawn to and whose company was enticing to him, yet as soon as they parted, he always felt an emotional crash. Something about their dynamic failed to sustain once he left her presence. With David, I felt the warmth of relationship both in his presence and in the in-between spaces. It was only the end of our relationship that caused me grief and pain.

Things to consider when you’re apart:

  • Are they touching base in some regular way (e.g., texting daily)? Are you?
  • Are you both maintaining some healthy independence while exploring a shared relationship space?
  • If you’re dating exclusively, do you trust them? If not, why? If you have suspicions, are they reasonable?
  • What does your gut tell you?

Your Role

The caveat to all of this is that you also need to consider your role in the shared space of relationship. If you expect to be treated with lovingkindness and consideration, you must be able to offer the same. If you want them to reach out regularly, make sure you do as well. And if you’re feeling neglected, make sure it isn’t because you’re being emotionally needy.

Final Thoughts

If you’re in relationship or dating someone who you feel good with, that’s precious.

If you aren’t liking the way you feel, is it due to your own insecurities and anxiety, or is it because of some action or character trait of theirs? It’s our responsibility to keep in check any unreasonable relationship expectations, anxieties, or jealousy. When discerning how you’re feeling in the shared space of relationship, honestly truth it out to determine what each individual is bringing to the shared space that is contributing to those feelings. Then, use that discernment to empower your understanding, decision-making, and actions in your relationship(s).

Go forth in love, and may you find someone who makes you feel beloved in turn.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Q & A: Sexual Desire

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A reader recently sent me the following comment asking me to explore the role of sexual desire in a dating/relationship context:

I have met quite a number of women who say they are done with relationships, and sex in particular. Perhaps an installment about sexual frustration in a relationship would help us get some perspective on the matter. I’m 72, male, and find sex to be very important to me. I think you’ve mentioned your feelings about it, as I recall, but I would certainly enjoy any thoughts you have to share.

To the reader’s concern, sexual desire is something that varies across individuals and can even vary for an individual across time. And, just as values, common interests, and physical attraction are factors to consider when discerning compatibility with a romantic partner, libido level is something that may be worth considering also.

Heterofatalism

It’s true that there’s a trend in older women forgoing romantic relationships. There’s a name for this trend, heterofatalism, and I recently did a post addressing this and other dating trends. Essentially, heterofatalism is the frustration of heterosexual women with dating and romantic relationships.

We live in a world that continues to be male-centric, and as a heterosexual woman, the entitlement that many men manifest (often unknowingly) and the inequities of our larger social context frequently show up in our romantic relationships. And we’re tired. Further, we have other options. Women today have more financial empowerment and autonomy than we used to. Some women are choosing to opt out of romantic relationships, seeing that as the better option. We want to be treated as we deserve. Not all men are capable of doing that.

Change in Sexual Desire

Libido is something that can change over time for both men and women. Age, shifting body image, and the longevity of the relationship can all be factors in a shift in sexual desire.

Age

There are different aspects of aging that can potentially impact sexual desire.

Body Changes

For some people, the changes our bodies undergo with age may impact sexual desire, while for others it may not.

Personally, my libido hasn’t changed much over time, though my body has. With menopause, I’m drier–everywhere. That dryness affects my sexual experience, but there’s lubricant for that. The changes in our bodies with age don’t necessarily change our libido, though they may impact our experience.

Similarly, men may have more difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection as they get older. Even if our libido isn’t impacted by our bodily changes, we may need to find new ways (Viagra, anyone?) to help us integrate our libido with our changing bodies.

Libido Changes

Several years ago, I dated a retired military test pilot who was very taken with my long hair. He asked me, more than once, if I ever intended to cut it short. I replied that I intended to keep it long, even when I let it go gray. He was relieved at this, saying, “Us military guys know that when a woman cuts her hair short, it means that she’s done with sex.”

While that’s hardly a universal truth, there’s something to that. Traditionally, a lot of older women do cut their hair short. It’s easier and more practical. And, that may or may not represent an unwillingness to put that time into cultivating their physical allure or sexuality. My friend S relates to this story. He’s had more than one woman he was involved with both cut her hair and lose sexual interest. Then again, it’s important not to make assumptions about individuals. A woman with short hair doesn’t necessariy equate a woman with no sexual libido, that would be a gross over-generalization.

And women aren’t the only ones who may experience decreased libido. I went out with R a couple of years ago. He was quite frank with me that his libido had diminished with age.

Self-Concept Changes

My great-aunt Marjorie famously declared herself an old woman upon her fortieth birthday. She then proceeded to have all her teeth pulled out to get dentures. My great-aunt lived on to the ripe age of 103. She prematurely saw herself as old, in part, because of the social messaging she got, but she also chose to accept and internalize that messaging.

I have friends who’ve had medical (vs. cosmetic) surgeries which altered the way their body looks, as well as how they feel about their bodies. That, in turn, can affect how someone feels about their sexuality. It’s a tricky space, a space someone can choose to navigate with their romantic partner and/or a therapist. But it’s also a space that someone can choose to avoid, forgoing their sexuality altogether.

We can’t avoid the changes that happen to our bodies with time, but we can choose our response. Some people let themselves go. Some people let getting older define them. Myself, I acknowledge that my body is changing and that I’m getting older, but I’m also determined to look my best and live as fully as I can while I still can, including continuing to live my sexuality, though how I live it may shift with time. What will/do you choose?

Long Term Relationship Shifts

Sometimes, over the course of a relationship, the sexual dynamic of a couple shifts. The throes of that initial tangled spark of love and lust may calm into a different sexual rhythm. That may or may not be satisfactory to both partners in the relationship, but for healthy relationship, there must be mutual respect and good communication in navigating that shift. (Funny, I had a typo of shaft there–something else to navigate!)

Your Sexual Desire

There are many aspects of a person to consider when discerning your compatibility with them. For me, there’s a distinct difference in the discernment of an individual versus a relationship dynamic. There are plenty of men who I’m compatible with and whose company I enjoy, but who I feel no sexual desire for. As a woman who has a healthy sex drive, that’s an important distinction. In a romantic relationship, I want someone who I’m compatible with, feel connection to, AND who arouses my desire.

In determining sexual compatibility in a relationship, you should have a general awareness of your current level of desire, who arouses it, and any sexual proclivities. Do you have a healthy libido? How important is that to you in romantic relationship? Do you have any particular sexual inclinations? How flexible can you be to accommodate someone else and meet them where they are?

Your Romantic Partner

When you’re discerning whether someone may be a good potential match, along with other considerations–compatibility, values, shared interests, chemistry, physical attraction, sense of humor–it’s also worth considering whether you have compatible sexual desire. This can include both frequency and any sexual proclivities. Does your partner feel the same level of sexual desire as you? Do they like the same kind of things as you? Are you open to exploring each other’s preferences?

If there’s a major mismatch sexually, that could be problematic, necessitating mutual compromise or indiviudal sacrifice.

Final Thoughts

If you and your romantic partner are sexually compatible, that’s great–have fun!

However, if your sexual compatibility isn’t straightforward, then you need to identify how important/strong your sexual desire is and what potential compromises you are or aren’t willing to make to accommodate your romantic partner’s desire (or lack thereof). I know people on both ends of the spectrum–someone who’s made peace with their partner’s lack of desire and another who’s unwilling to compromise what they want sexually.

Some final think-abouts–Where are you on the spectrum? How much do you value your partner? What are you willing to compromise to be with them? What are they willing to compromise for you? How you answer those questions can reveal a lot about the relationship you’re living in.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

If you have any comments or questions of your own please leave a note in the comments below or on my contact page.

Good luck out there!

Beware: How to Spot Fake Profiles

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Fake profiles and bots are not a new thing, but if you’ve spent any time on a dating app recently, you’ve probably noticed that fake profiles are on the rise. Last autumn, I noticed a seemingly exponential increase of fake profiles in tandem with the push of AI into the mainstream. AI has made fake profiles that much easier to generate for those with malintent. Let’s look at how to spot a fake profile, so you can both protect yourself and not waste your time on phonies.

Signs of a Fake Profile

There are a lot of different signs that a profile might be fake. Pay attention to the signs. The more signage there is, the more likely the profile is fake.

Photos

Certain things about a profile’s photos can clue you in that it might be a fake profile.

Few Photos

If a profile only has three or four photos (or worse, less!) then that’s a sign that it might be a fake profile. Fake profiles are usually thrown together quickly. The less there is in the profile, the more likely it is to be fake.

Exceptionally Attractive Photos

If the profile photos are all exceptionally attractive (think 8-10 on a 10 point scale) that’s a blinking neon sign, especially in conjuction with only having 3-4 photos. There just aren’t that many people that look that great all the time.

This is especially true the older the age bracket is that you’re working with. Some people don’t age well and other people simply don’t take care of themselves as they age. I’m 55, and there are fewer physically attractive options in my dating range than there were a decade ago. Despite that, I noticed several months ago that there were suddenly a plethora of good looking men in their fifties on Match, almost overnight. Where had they been hiding? They hadn’t been created yet.

That AI Aura

Do you know what I mean by an “AI aura”? That clean soft atmospheric quality to photos? Fake, fake, fakity fake. This aura is due in part to the low resolution of AI photos. Here’s an example of an original/real photo and one generated with AI:

photo of smiling woman with messy background contrasted with a flawless ai version

Note the simplified background in the AI photo; how flawless she looks (hair, makeup, wardrobe, expression, smooth skin, perfect eyebrows, etc.); the simplicity of the wardrobe; and the overall softness of the photo.

This, in contrast to the original photo with a complicated background; her leaning at an angle; a little shine on her face; her mouth not quite open nor closed. This is the imperfection of real life.

AI photos can be generated across time and place, with and without other people in them. Real profiles can have AI photos, but an AI photo should give you good cause to be skeptical. Why aren’t they showing you who they really are?

If you’re interested in learning about how to discern AI photos from real photos, take this quiz.

The Summary

The profile summary can also give different tip-offs that it might be a fake profile.

There is No Summary

Fake profiles usually demonstrate very low effort, such as few photos and no Profile Summary at all.

There is a Very Limited Summary

A very limited Profile Summary, such as a paragraph, is still pretty low effort. Low effort is a sign of either a lazy human or a fake profile. Are you interested in either?

Generic or Bland Content

If the Profile Summary says something without really saying anything, that’s another potential sign of a fake profile. A fake profile doesn’t want to alienate anyone, so its content will be rather vanilla. Nothing offensive, but nothing enticing either. You won’t really be able to get a sense of who they are, because they aren’t real.

Fake Profile Summaries usually read like they could have been written by anyone. They like beaches? Who doesn’t? They’re a foodie? As if liking food is a novel thing! Ask yourself, does the profile say anything that is truly novel or differentiates it from other profiles? If not, maintain some skepticism.

It Doesn’t Make Sense

I’ve read a Profile Summary that read as gibberish (Match). It didn’t make sense at all, and it was written in a way that people just don’t talk. If a Profile Summary has a nonsensical vibe to it, then it’s probably inauthentic.

Prompts and Information

When looking at a profile, check the Prompts and Information carefully to see if there are any contradictions. Contradictions in a profile are a sign of a hastily put together fake profile.

Some examples that I’ve seen:

  • A man who’s job was a Doctor of Philosophy but whose education was a bachelor’s degree. A Doctor of Philosophy should have a doctorate, that’s what a PhD is. (Elite Singles)
  • A man who replied to a prompt that he was not eco-conscious at all. Yet the reponse to another prompt said enthusiastically that he’d love to go on an eco-conscious date! (OK Cupid)

Also, if the Prompt responses and Information are non-specific and bland, it could be someone unoriginal or it could be a fake profile trying to be inoffensive. For instance, while there are some Apolitical people out there, these days, that’s a rare stance. It could be a phony who doesn’t want to put anyone off with a political stance.

Messaging

If you get to the point where you’re messaging with someone but they don’t offer much about themselves–they’re vague or generally neutral without a decided opinion on much of anything–then they’re either a poor conversationalist, or they’re trying not to be offensive because they’re phony and trying to draw you in.

Another sign that a profile might be fake is if their first focus is on what you want from relationship, before even getting to know you and discerning compatibility.

Also pay attention to whether they’re reflecting back to you what they think you want to hear or whether they’re offering their perspective regardless of knowing what your preference is.

Redundant Profiles

With a 1500 mile dating radius, this one might be easier to spot for me than those of you dating locally, but I’ve noticed a trend of redundant profiles that signal fake profiles. What I mean by this is that the malintents behind the fake profiles work to generate a large quantity of fake profiles quickly, and that’s easier to do if the profiles share a lot of commonalities, much like an assembly line.

The profiles may be similar in stats–I’ve seen a plethora of profiles with 5’11”, 55 years of age, widowed, graduate degree, seeking serious relationship, and 3-4 photos. Many of them even had the same name, Dominid (Match).

Sometimes I’ll notice a trending name–Dominid was a thing, but I’ve seen surges of Davids, Tims, etc. at different times as well. Last week the nom du semaine was Tony (Match).

Once, I even saw two fairly fleshed out Profile Summaries that were identical–they had different photos, but the exact same content copied and pasted (Match).

If You’re Not Sure

All of the above examples are signs that a profile might be fake. The more signage the profile offers to that effect, the more likely it is that it’s a fake profile, but there are some potential exceptions to why a real profile might present like a potentially fake one, particularly if the information/summary is scarce and the photos are few.

Laziness

It’s possible that someone who doesn’t offer a lot of information or photos is simply too lazy to put much effort into their profile. But if they don’t offer much, how much energy are you willing to put into finding out whether or not they’re real and, if so, who they are?

New

Someone who’s new to online dating or a dating platform may have a profile-in-progress where they haven’t fully fleshed it out yet. That could give off a lot of the same signs as a fake profile. So, if you’re intrigued, but there’s not much there, then you have to put in the energy to discern whether they are real and, if so, to draw them out and discover who they are.

Unremarkable

And then there are people who simply don’t have much to say. They might be real, but they don’t offer much. How much interest do you have in finding out if such a profile might be real or if it’s fake?

Your Profile

Keeping in mind the potential signs of a fake profile, consider your own profile–be careful not to give off fake profile vibes.

Photos

Have several photos across place and time. Anymore, a minimum of eight photos is sufficient to demonstrate that you’ve put some effort into representing who you are and what you authentically look like.

Ensure that you’re sharing what you authentically look like–no AI, no filters, no blurry hard-to-distinguish photos, no oudated photos. Show potential matches who you really are now, the person who will show up on the date. If you show who you really are, potential matches won’t be disappointed when you show up, because you didn’t misrepresent yourself. In this era of fake profiles and the artifice of intelligence, being REAL is a strength.

Profile Summary, Prompts, and Information

One of the signs of a fake profile is that there is no or little information given. Don’t let that be you. Do your best to adequately and accurately represent who you authentically are in your profile.

Final Thoughts

It makes me sad to say, but these days, to be safe, it’s best to lead with some skepticism when looking at dating profiles, particularly if a profile presents some of the signs aforementioned. If you’re intrigued despite some questionable signage, be sure to do due diligence to protect yourself. Ask questions, try to learn them, do a Google search to ensure they’re who they represent themselves to be. Open yourself up cautiously. And remember that the more signage there is, the more likely it’s a fake profile.

Have you noticed any signs of fake profiles that I didn’t mention? If so, please let me know in the comments below.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Be cautious, and good luck out there!

Up Next: On Heterofatalism (and other trending topics)

Relationship Values: On Being Seen (and Heard)

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How do you want to feel in romantic relationship? What do you want the experience of romantic relationship to be like? Those are your Relationship Values. Through my relationship and dating experiences, I discerned what I really want in a relationship. This discernment has come from both ends of the spectrum–the “This is great, I want to feel like this!” and the “Wow, this really sucks, no thank you.” One of the core Relationship Values that I identified in my journey is feeling both seen and heard. Don’t we all crave that? For someone to see and value us for who we are?

I’ve been with men who were attractive and whose company I enjoyed, yet I didn’t feel that they truly saw me. While I enjoyed the experience of them in the moment, I won’t be unseen in a relationship–there’s a loneliness and incompleteness in that. Better to be lonely alone than lonely in relationship.

I’m a complete person. I don’t need another person to complete me, but if a man can’t see the full spectrum of me, if he has limited vision, therein lies the incompleteness. I want a partner who can see my expanses and who has expanses for me to explore as well. Until I find that man, I choose to remain single.

Joel

One summer in NYC, I spent a few evenings with Joel. He’s attractive and successful, sweet and considerate–a great guy. One evening, he tried to surprise me with a wine varietal that I talked about enthusiastically the night before (Albariño, a current favorite), but he got the wrong varietal. To his credit, it started with an ‘A’. It was such a sweet gesture and much appreciated, but there was also a disconnect. He listened, but not quite enough.

Another night, I wanted to watch the Belmont Stakes and invited him to join me. He found a bar where we could watch the race, and we ordered drinks. I asked for a food menu as I hadn’t eaten much and didn’t want alcohol to get the better of me. He tried to put me off, because he wanted to take me out to a special restaurant later. Again, he wanted to please me, and there’s a sweetness in that, but he wasn’t hearing me–I knew that I needed some food to put the alcohol on, or we wouldn’t make it to dinner. In the end, I got something to nosh on while we watched the race AND I made it to dinner.

I like Joel. My trip was better for his presence in it, for making human connection. He’s kind and thoughtful, and, because of that, I’m grateful I met him. But I want more. I want someone who sees, hears, and understands me. I want someone who really gets me, not just someone pleasant trying to please me.

Stromboli and Me

A few years ago, I watched Roberto Rossellini’s film Stromboli, set in the fallout of World War II. It stars Ingrid Bergman as Karin, who has reservations about marrying a man she hardly knows–a man who, though smitten with her, doesn’t really know her and doesn’t really see her. Her reservations are prescient, and as the film unfolds Bergman feels increasingly unhappy, claustrophobic, and desperate in her relationship.

That’s how I felt in my marriage. My ex never saw me. At times, he accused me of doing something with ulterior motives, attributing some action of mine to a manipulation that had nothing whatsoever to do with my rationale or behavior.

If I told him that something he did was hurtful to me, my ex inevitably turned it around saying, “I’m not the one who does that, you are.” In doing so, he denied my experience and deflected any responsibility. It was unbearably frustrating. Like the Tommy song, I wanted to cry out, “See me!…” The version my ex saw of me was warped and distorted, like the reflection in a fun house mirror or like the fire’s shadow in Plato’s Cave versus the vision of the sun. I am radiant, but he only saw flickering shadows of me.

On Being Seen and Heard

I read a quote on Reddit once that still resonates with me, “Loneliness doesn’t end when you are surrounded by people; it ends when you are seen for who you are.” I can’t say it any better.

I’ve met men who saw me more completely in one week than my ex did in ten years. David is such a man. It was as if he intuited me. We spoke the same language and instinctively understood each other. I never had to explain myself; I could just tell my story and know he heard me. It was a relief for someone to see and understand me so clearly, so intimately. The world was a less lonely place for a while.

A copy of Felix Gonzalez-Torres‘ Untitled: Double Portrait hangs on my wall. It reminds me of how relationship with David felt, how I want relationship to feel. The composition is two complete circles. I see two whole individuals who make something infinitely more in their shared space. A circle itself is a symbol of infinity. Gonzales-Torres’ Double Portrait even looks like the infinity symbol. I seek expanses, not limits, and I won’t be limited by someone’s inability to fully see me.

Photo: My somewhat-battered copy of Felix Gonzalez-Torres’ Untitled: Double Portrait from London’s Tate Modern Museum.

David’s not the only man who’s seen me. Damon, Bruce, Evan, and of late, Isaac, have all made me feel seen and heard. It’s a sacred gift to see and hear another human being and it’s a precious gift to be on the receiving end of. They’re men of both high caliber and capacity. Single I remain until such a man sees me and partners with me.

It’s Not Just About Romance

I go forth authentically in the world and try to be a good human being, though, like all of us, I fall short at times. I want people to see me for the woman I am and to allow me grace for the moments when I fall short. And I want and deserve that not only in a romantic partner, but in general. I strive to give the same in turn. That is the woman I am.

Many years ago, I took Adaptive Schools training. Adaptive Schools has seven norms of collaboration to encourage positve collegial relationships. The norms are really just good basic social skills. One of them is Presuming Positive Intentions, or assuming that someone means well, unless and until there’s evidence to the contrary. And yet, so often, people are prone to assuming the worst. When you’re trying to be your best, but someone assumes the worst, the dissonance is mind-bogglingly frustrating.

The Death of My Ex

The death of my ex was a complicated situation. I did not love him. We married for practical reasons–I was pregnant. He wasn’t a good husband to me, and he didn’t treat me well, but he wasn’t a horrible human being either. He was a complicated and flawed human being. Most importantly, he was the father of my children. Our relationship was complicated, sometimes contentious, other times civil and respectful.

When he died, my feelings were likewise complicated. My primary concern was for my children, who lost their father. But I have a strange sort of grief too. I gave him ten years of my life. This isn’t what I wanted for my children, nor for him. I think of him daily, with a sadness that he ran out of days so soon.

Everyone copes with grief differently. One thing that I did in the days following Ben’s death was to delete the shared Google calendar we had for our son’s schedule. I had the information elsewhere, and it was too sad and painful to look at the calendar in its shared obsoleteness. To me, it was a stark visual reminder that he was gone. I still have our text thread on my phone, but I deleted the calendar.

On the heels of that, I got a vitriolic email from his widow who, noticing the calender was deleted, accused me of “dancing a jig on his grave.” She didn’t know why I deleted the calendar, but she assumed the worst possible motive for my behavior. I responded to her vitriol in a civil manner, but I made it clear that her grief didn’t entitle her to lash out at me. She persisted in her poison, and she’s now blocked from my life. Our relationship was never easy, but I expect people to see me for who I am and to treat me with respect.

J

My friend J retired a couple of years ago, and, like many retirees, he mused about what lay ahead. The penultimate time I saw him, he was thinking about relocating to Maine. I mentioned that a few years prior, I talked to a man who relocated to Maine after his divorce. The man had fond memories of Maine from his younger days and thought it would be a good place to relocate. Unfortunately, he was miserable there. In our conversations, he often spoke of how dark and cold it was during the winter. He also complained that the community was tribal and unwelcoming. He was lonely and felt ostracized.

J said, “You just don’t want me to move to Maine.”

This accusation took me aback. For my friend to assume that I had an ulterior motive and was anything other than authentic was hurtful. That he thought that I wasn’t evolved enough to just want him to be happy was disappointing. That he assumed the worst of me, that I was being selfish and manipulative, was maddening.

I responded, “I’m just giving you information to help inform your decision. Do what you want with the information. I’m telling you so you can think about it. That’s all. I’m not trying to tell you what decision is right for you. I’m just giving you information.“

He doubled down, “Your information is only the opinion of one person.“

“I never said any different.“

He shifted the subject and went into small talk mode. When we saw each other a few weeks later, it was awkward and tense. Something in our relationship has radically changed, and it’s not me. J no longer sees me for who I am, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. My feelings are complicated. I’m sad, disappointed, hurt, and angry. I deserve to be treated better, yet even now, I love my friend. I miss him. And I continue to hope that he’s happy. I have grace for him should he seek it, but he doesn’t seem to have grace for me.

Final Thoughts

Feeling seen and heard is a core Relationship Value for me in both my romantic and platonic relationships. I go forth in the world with both authenticity and the intention of being the best human being that I can muster. And, at this point in my life, I have little patience for people who fail to see and hear me for who I am when I’m so clear and forthright.

And for you, as you go forth, consider–Are you authentically seeing and hearing others? Do people see and hear you for who you are? I encourage you to do your best to pay attention and honor others. And I wish you the best of luck in being seen and heard in turn. To see and be seen is a beautiful thing. You deserve that.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Beware–How to Spot Fake Profiles

Q & A: What is a Committed Relationship?

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Not long ago, a reader posed this question to me–What is a commited relationship?

Mutual Understanding

To my mind, the most basic aspect of a committed relationship is a mutual agreement to commit to a certain kind (there are different kinds) of romantic relationship. If it isn’t mutually agreed upon, then it’s not really a commitment. And, the very act of committing to a romantic relationship elevates the relationship itself, distinguishing it as both precious and prioritized.

In the past, I’ve on occasion pressed pause on exploring other romantic options upon meeting a man who I found compelling. This, even though there was no mutual agreement to exclusivity. It was my choice not to see other people in such an instance, but it was not a committed relationship. I chose not to see other people despite knowing that he might be seeing other women. It was my choice to do so, with no obligation on his part prior to an agreed upon committment.

Culturally, our ideal of a committed relationship is two people who find each other and say, “Wow, I choose you!“ And what a lucky, exciting, and beautiful thing that is. I aspire to that myself.

Sometimes though, people commit to each other without the exuberance of love, but for practical reasons. I married not for love, but because I was pregnant. I thought and hoped that love might follow, but it didn’t. Nevertheless, I committed myself to a man for ten years, and I honored that committment until our relationship became untenable. Uncommitting is something that happens too. It’s not the plan when people commit to each other, but uncommitting is a potential outcome when the people who commit to each other don’t mutually tend to and take care of the relationship and each other.

Different Levels of Commitment

There are, of course, different levels of commited relationship. A commited relationship can be as basic as agreeing to date each other exclusively to see where the relationship goes. It’s an “I choose you” move, even if it’s for the sake of simply exploring what the relationship can be.

Should both of you desire, you can level up on your commitment. Moving in together, getting engaged, or getting married are all examples of deepening commitment to each other. My sister and her romantic partner have been together for a couple of decades. They live together and have a child together, but they’ve never married. Despite never formally marrying, they have a deep level of commitment to each other. Level of commitment isn’t necessarily defined by terminology or legal status. In a Seinfeld episode, a woman tosses around the word fiance, advertising the level of her commitment, yet it comes across as quite shallow compared to my sister and her romantic partner’s commitment.

Different Kinds of Relationship

Our traditional cultural ideal of committed relationship is two people who commit to each other exclusively and long-term. This is already hard enough to achieve–both in finding a right person to commit to (the “Wow!” factor) in the first place, and then to be able to sustain the relationship in a healthy way long-term.

But just as are there different levels of commitment, there are also different kinds of relationship, such as open-relationships and polyamory. These relationship styles deliberately evade exclusive commitment to one person, even if they involve commitment of some kind. A committed relationship to one person is hard enough to get right. The further relationship strays from a committed relationship, the more complicated and challenging it becomes to maintain a healthy relationship where everyone is happy and no one feels undermined, threatened, or jealous. That’s not to say that such a commitment can’t work, but it’s that much more complicated than two people committed exclusively to each other.

My former brother-in-law’s first marriage (he’s now on his third) was an open marriage. That marriage was short-lived. With an open marriage, they attempted to live both in commitment and uncommitted simultaneously, but their lack of commitment ultimately sabotaged any commitment they did have.

Final Thoughts

If you have any thoughts on committed relationships, I’d love to hear them. Simply leave a comment below. And if you have any questions, please submit them in the comments or on my contact form.

I hope you find that special person who makes you feel lucky to find them and happier for being with them. Good luck out there!

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Up Next: Relationship Values–On Being Seen (and Heard)

Oh so Cliché…

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By their very definition, clichés are a prevalent part of social exchanges. They’ve been overused to the point of triteness, yet people continue to use them–because they’re convenient and familiar. Clichés may even provide a false sense of wisdom to the speaker due to their cultural ubiquitousness, potentially endowing them with a sense of truth or gravitas that often goes unquestioned.

If you don’t already, I encourage you to question clichés.

The Problem with Clichés

Clichés are lazy and unoriginal thinking. They’re stereotypical generalizations and overused sayings that people either say without really thinking about what they’re saying or say because their own thinking is narrow and limited. Clichés are a linguistic crutch that people rely on so they don’t have to strain their brain to express themselves. By relying on clichés, people aren’t exercising their intellect.

I used to work with a woman who was very kind, but she was also a very limited thinker. Her conversation was sprinkled with clichés, and she regularly began a story with, “Long story short…” Well, as a storyteller, if it’s a long-form story, then tell it long! Good storytelling requires proper format. If it’s a long story, by telling it short, you’re leaving out plot development and rushing to the denouement.

Clichés can also be reductive, reducing people to a stereotype. Labels help us understand our world and talk about it. If I say “house,” you can get a picture in your head and understand what I’m referring to. But people are more than labels, and often groups of people are given labels that are steeped in prejudice. When those labels become associated with a group of people long enough, the prejudice becomes entrenched.

Brad’s Friend

Brad told me about a friend of his who thinks women are crazy. Well, that’s certainly a narrow-minded point of view. Of course, there are women who are “crazy” but to assume that of all women is to overgeneralize, stereoptype, and be reductionist. It’s easier for his friend to assume this of all women, because then he doesn’t have to do the work of discernment to distinguish the nuances and subtleties of personality. By doing so, he’s also putting himself above women, a mysoginistic move.

My response to Brad was that obviously that’s not true, but if his friend really thought so based on his experience, then perhaps his friend is drawn to women who are a little crazy. “Crazy” can have a certain energy and excitement about it. I posited to Brad that if his friend wants to be with a woman who isn’t crazy, then he needs to be more discerning in who he chooses to date. Further, it’s easier for Brad’s friend to blame women by stereotyping them, rather than to look to his own behavior and faults.

George Carlin has his own take on the trope: “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

Of course, not all men are stupid. Except maybe the ones who think women are crazy…

Nic

A companion to the crazy woman trope, is the “drama queen” trope. Now, there are certainly dramatic women, but it’s hardly a quality exclusive to women, yet when have you ever heard a man referred to as a “drama king”?

Personally, I despise drama. Enough so, that I mention it in my dating profile. There was a time when I played the role of social diplomat, but eventually I tired of having to negotiate everyone else’s drama. Now, rather than tiptoe around or try to rationalize with drama, I call drama out. In my relationship history, the men who I’ve been involved with were the primary source of any drama.

Nic lives in New Hampshire. We connected during the pandemic. A few days after connecting he said, “Marry me,” and talked about buying an RV to safely come visit me (money not being an issue for him). I suggested we take more time to get to know each other first.

Months later, with the pandemic continuing to rage, we still hadn’t got together. I floated the idea that we both drive, meet midway, and stay at an Airbnb in the countryside. He, as a doctor, didn’t think that was safe, and instead of simply stating his point of view, he attacked me with a misogynist label, calling me “crazy” for even floating such an idea.

When I said that my idea was perfectly rational, even if he didn’t agree with it, he replied, “Drama, drama, drama…,” which, ironically, was more dramatic than anything I said during our discussion. Furthering the irony, is the crazy drama of his gesture to buy an RV and drive cross country to meet me within days of connecting. Nic, of course, failed to see his own drama and crazy.

Clichés limit thinking. They’re thoughtless, thought-less, said without thought. Nic’s reliance on a cliché limited his vision and ability to see the reality of the situation–that I was behaving more rationally, whether he agreed with me or not.

Breaking Down Some Clichés

Let’s examine some other clichés and how they’re narrow in thinking. Here are a few of my not-favorites:

  • “Looking for a partner in crime.” This one is common on dating profiles. I assume that the people who post this on their profile are genuinely looking for a romantic partner. And, while I realize that a partner in crime isn’t the literal intention, how about people think about what they really want in a romantic partner and say that instead? After all, Bonnie and Clyde’s romance didn’t end so well.
  • “I’m a glass half full kind of person.” This is another common one on profiles. It’s so binary and simplistic. People like binary thinking because it’s easy, but life isn’t easy, it’s complicated. The truth is that if the glass is half full, then it’s also half empty and to ignore that is to ignore the full reality. And what if the glass is overflowing? Or almost empty? What is the glass filled with? And what if there’s no glass at all? What is the person who says this really trying to communicate? That they’re optimistic? That they have a sunny disposition? That they try to find the good, even in a bad siutation? Then say that.
  • “Everything happens for a reason.” Try telling that to my cousin whose five year old daughter died a year and a half ago. This saying is simply for the purpose of making the speaker feel better, like they have something worth saying. Sometimes there’s nothing to say to salve a situation, and it’s okay to acknowledge that and sit with the discomfort that life can be a bitch.
  • “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” Yeah, well if that was true, suicide wouldn’t be a thing, would it?
  • “Outside of the box” This one is ironic–a cliché for original thinking! Instead of “outside of the box,” how about getting rid of the box altogether?

Question Clichés

Clichés are so ubiquitous that people often don’t really think about them or their own true meaning and intent. When you hear a cliché, I challenge you to question it. That doesn’t mean you have to confront the speaker, simply question the cliché.

You can question clichés by thoughtfully engaging with them. What does it really mean? Is that actually true or helpful to the situation? Think beyond the cliché.

For instance, have you ever noticed that when people say “I’m so over it,” they often aren’t? “Over it” implies an emotional letting go that many people who say it lack. I caught myself saying this at my therapist’s once about a situation which I was tired of, but clearly not emotionally beyond.

I could say, “I’m so over clichés,” but obviously I’m not, because though I dislike them, I’m stirred up enough about them to write a blog post. While I might not care for clichés, I’m not dispassionate about them. “I’m so over it” often really means someone is frustrated with a situation, but not necessarily beyond it.

You

To move beyonds clichés, begin by noticing them. If you catch yourself in a cliché or overhear one, engage with it and break it down. Take it from something said without thought to something you’re actively thinking about. What are you really thinking or feeling? Say that instead. And if you really don’t know what to say, it’s okay to say that. It’s better than saying something thought-less.

When looking at dating profiles or going on dates, be attuned to whether potential matches overly rely on clichés to express themself. It may or may not be a turn-off for you, but if you pay attention to it, you’re bringing a heightened-awareness to your communication and interactions.

Final Thoughts

I encourage you to be better than clichés, to go forth in your life thoughtfully and full of thought, rather than without. Question, think, care.

If you’re enjoying Blackbird Dating content, please consider sharing with people who you think might appreciate it also. And, if you’re interested in Blackbird Dating video content, you can subscribe to my new YouTube channel.

Good luck out there!

Up Next: Q & A–What is a Committed Relationship?

A Review of Dating Platforms: Hinge

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Among the plethora of dating platforms, Hinge is a key player. One of the many apps owned by Match Group, its tagline is “designed to be deleted,” a reference to its goal of helping you get to successful relationship. With news that NYC mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani met his wife on Hinge, it’s had some renewed interest in the past year. Let’s review Hinge more closely, to better understand its place in the world of dating apps and whether it might be a good fit for you.

General

Here are some basics about the platform:

App Only

The Hinge platform is only available via app, not computer. If apps are your preferred mode, then great! But, it’s a limitation that will annoy some users.

Designed to be Deleted

Hinge’s tagline is designed to attract clientele who are looking for a serious long-term relationship. To that end, it has specific features to encourage that, including limiting the number likes someone can give in one day to eight, unless you have a paid subscription. Hinge states that their research indicates eight is the magic number to helping customers make better matches.

As part of setting their customers up for better matches, their research also showed that liking a specific part of someone’s profile (e.g., a photo, a prompt), rather than a general profile like, leads to more successful outcomes. To that end, you must choose a specific part of someone’s profile to like. In doing so, they further encourage you to add a comment to spark conversation. My son’s friend Jaden likes this aspect of the app. Jaden’s girlfriend liked one of his pictures, initiating a conversation which ultimately led to romantic relationship.

See Hinge’s mission statement if you’d like to see what they have to say about their commitment to “designed to be deleted” in more detail.

Profiles

The profiles are limited in what they contain, but there are certain requirements. This strikes a balance of neither too little nor overmuch information that you can glean from a profile.

For instance, in order to “like” other profiles, you must upload six photos/videos to your own profile. But, six is also the maximum amount of photos you can upload to your profile. No more, no less. Six is a nice minimum amount of photos to see, but an unfortunate maximum limit.

The biographical information is limited as well. There are the several statistics you’re able to provide (e.g., profession, education, politics, religion, etc.), but a limited amount of space where you can describe who you are and who/what you’re looking for in a romantic partner. Beyond the statistics and photos/videos, profiles consist of simply three prompts and answers. Not a lot of space for someone to reveal who they are as a person and who/what they’re looking for.

So, the amount of information that you can relay about yourself or glean from someone else’s profile is adequate, but limited. That said, because there’s a minimum amount of information required, overall, the profiles generally seem more legitimate, better-filled out, and more polished than is often the case on other platforms.

Geography

For those of us who are open to/prefer to date long distance, Hinge isn’t particularly friendly. The maximum distance you can set as a dating radius is 100 miles. You can, however, change your location on your profile, for instance if you’re travelling and want to see who’s available in the area.

Because of the limits of geography, Hinge seems best suited for those who aren’t interested in dating long distance or who live in a cosmopolitan area where there’s a larger quantity of local options.

Profile Structure

Here are the main components of profiles (both yours and theirs):

Six Photos

As I said, no more, no less. Six.

Written Prompts

Rather than an open-ended summary, Hinge provides written prompts for you to answer to tell potential matches about yourself. The upside of this is that it’s a less intimidating prospect for those who are intimidated by the idea of filling a blank page. The downside is that you’re limited to three prompts, not leaving you (or them) much room to share who you are.

As part of a profile, users must choose and answer three prompts. Much like with photos, you choose and answer three–no more, no less. While it’s limiting that you’re restricted to three prompts, as it’s a requirement, it can’t be left empty–users have to give you something of who they are. How much and what they give you can reveal a lot about them, even in a limited space.

Some prompt examples:

  • My greatest strength…
  • I’m looking for…
  • Two truths and a lie:

I suggest that you answer your selected prompts thoughtfully and fully–a paragraph or two. The more information you provide about who you are, the more likely you are to attract a quality match.

Optional Content

In addition to the required profile components there are some optional components.

Video Prompt

Much like the written prompts, you can also do a video prompt (e.g., “I recently discovered that…”). The idea of the video prompt is to show who you are with added dimensionality. By being more than pictures to see and words to be read, you’ll seem that much more real. They can hear your voice, see you move, read your body language.

If you opt in, remember that you want to present your best self in video form. Do a mirror check–should you powder your face? Brush your hair? Change to a shirt without a coffee stain? Do you have something in your teeth? No need to be uptight about it, but don’t be slovenly either.

Also, think through what you want to say. Practice a few times. If you need to, practice in front of a mirror. You want to be natural, not stilted in your response. By rehearsing, you allow yourself to get more comfortable, thus enabling you to come across the way you want.

Prompt Poll

Another option is the Prompt Poll. In this option, you choose a prompt, then give three responses for potential matches to choose from.

For instance, you choose a prompt such as, “Let’s break the ice by…”

Then you write three possible responses for potential matches to choose from, such as…

  • Option 1: singing karaoke
  • Option 2: speaking in an accent
  • Option 3: randomly breaking out in dance moves.

They can be a bit silly, but if a prompt speaks to you, and you’re feeling creative, then go for it!

Voice Prompt

Another prompt option is the Voice Prompt. This option offers potential matches more dimensionality than the written prompt, but less than the Video Prompt. They can’t see you moving in space, but it allows them to hear you vocal tonal qualities.

Voice Prompt examples:

  • A boundary of mine is…
  • Biggest risk I’ve ever taken…
  • A random fact I love is...

If you opt for this, much like the video prompt, it’s a good idea to rehearse your response a few times to get comfortable. Be yourself, making sure to keep your tone warm, open, and unhurried. Ensure the Voice Prompt works for you, not against you, if you choose it.

Identity

This part of a profile is where you identify your pronouns, gender, and sexuality.

My Virtues

Virtues may be a questionable term for the content, but this section of a profile is where you list your work, job title, education, religious beliefs, dating intentions, relationship type, etc.

My Vitals

This part of a profile is where you share your name, age, height, ethnicity, children, etc.

My Vices

This section is where you reveal whether or not you’re a lush, smoke, use marijuana, or are a drug addict. If you have other vices, apparently you’re not expected to come clean about them on your profile.

Feeds

There are three different feeds on the Hinge platform: Discover, Standouts, and Likes You.

Discover

The Discover feed is marked by an H symbol on the app. This is where you can browse profiles, and, if you find someone you’re interested in, like some part of their profile.

Standouts

The Standout feed is marked by a * symbol on the app. This feed has ten profiles that rotate daily. Each profile features a particular prompt/response that Hinge selected based on your preferences.

Likes You

The Likes You feed is marked by a heart symbol on the app. As the name of the feed implies, this is where you can see users who have liked you, but with the caveat that you can only see one at a time unless you pay for a subscription. Only allowing users to see one profile at a time encourages users to engage with profiles rather than scroll through them, or, alternatively, to shell out money for the convenience of having access to multiple profiles.

Other Features

Roses

If you really like someone, you can send them a Rose, which functions similarly to a Super Like, making your profile rise to the top of someone’s list. Users get one free Rose per week, but you can purchase additional Roses within the app.

Boosts

A Boost lifts your profile to the front of the line, so that more people see your profile, for one hour. Superboosts do the same thing for twenty-four hours.

Messaging

Hinge encourages messaging when you like part of someone’s profile. Once a message is sent, Hinge will notify users that it’s “Your Turn” to respond. This helps keep momentum in a connection, as well as discouraging ghosting.

Once someone includes a phone number in a message exchange, Hinge will follow up with users to see if you’ve met, and if so, how you felt about the quality of the connection. This helps Hinge continue to tweak the algorithm to try to provide better matches.

Dealbreakers

If there are any qualities that are true dealbreakers for you, you can mark them as such in your Preferences. Note that this will filter out matches that don’t meet your preference on that quality. Unless it’s a true dealbreaker, you probably don’t want to mark it as such.

Subscriptions vs. No Subscription

You’re able to do a lot on the Hinge platform without paying for a subscription, including liking profiles, seeing likes, and messaging. This was an inviting aspect of the feature for some twenty-somethings I talked to who are still in school and not in the career/money-making phase of life. To me this also suggests that it’s a good app to try-on, and, if you have a good experience, it may be worth considering paying for a Hinge + subscription.

Hinge +

A Hinge + subscription comes with the additional perks of unlimited daily likes (a free subscription is limited to eight); the ability to see all of your incoming likes at the same time (rather than one by one); and advanced filtering preferences.

Paid Hinge subscriptions can be pricey, especially when you consider all of the features available for free, but you might find some of the additional perks worthwhile. If you’re interested in exploring expanded features, the current cost for a Hinge + subscription at the time of this writing is:

  • 1 month @ $10.49/week, around $45.74/month
  • 3 months @ $6.99/week, around $30.48/month, or a total of about $91.43
  • 6 months @ $5.83/week, around $25.42/month, or a total of about $152.51

As you can see, the longer the subscription you pay for, the more money you save over time.

Hinge X

With a Hinge X subscription, you get all the perks of a Hinge + subscription as well as the additional features Enhanced Recommendations; Skip the Line; and Priority Likes.

Enhanced Recommendations brings potential matches who share more of your preferences to the top of your Discover.

Skip the Line is like a constant Boost.

Priority Likes keeps your profile at the top of recipients’ lists for seven days, working much like Roses. Because of the similarity to Roses, it seems like a rather pointless feature.

At the time of this writing, the cost of a Hinge X subscription is:

  • 1 week @ $24.99/week
  • 1 month @ $12.83/week, around $55.94/month
  • 3 months @$7.77/week, around $33.87/month, or about $99.99 total
  • 6 months @ $6.99/week, around $30.48/month, or about $182.86 total

Hinge X features bear a lot of similarity to the features you already have access to in the free subscription and Hinge + subscription. A Hinge X subscription seems to be a poor value for the extra money.

Users’ Thoughts

When I asked people about their experience on Hinge, the responses were generally positive. For many, it was their preferred platform. Everyone I talked to was using the free subscription. Some of their thoughts:

Jaden, a twentysomething, met his girlfriend through Hinge and had several good things to say about the platform. When I asked if it was the platform he had the best experience on, he replied in the affirmative, saying, “Yes, it was the most interactive in a human way.”

Brad, who’s in his fifties, said that it seemed to have a “higher level of quality” than other platforms he’d used, and he definitely prefers it to Match.

Additional Information

Hinge does seem to be geared more toward younger users (Gen Z). An example of this leaning is that they’re an app-only platform.

Some users feel that Hinge isn’t what it used to be, that its quality is on the decline. It certainly isn’t the only dating platform that can be said about. Match used to be the king of dating apps, but they’ve abdicated that title. Customer Service in general seems to be on the decline–I had a frustrating experience trying to get help with a Microsoft issue the other day. Wouldn’t it be lovely if customer satisfaction was a priority? Any platform/company/corporation can choose to step it up any day. It’s a niche waiting to be claimed. If only.

It’s also of note that some users have filed a lawsuit accusing Hinge and Tinder of allowing serial rapists to remain on the apps, even after being reported. Per this, remember to properly vet potential matches; Google search them (make sure they are who they say they are; don’t put yourself in any precarious circumstances; and trust your gut. There are some bad people out there, be careful.

If you’re interested in a more thorough breakdown of the app, including details, tips, comparisons, and articles, VIDA Select has many resources.

Final Thoughts

Overall, Hinge stacks up nicely against its competitors and there are a lot of great accessible features even on the free subscription. With a tagline of “designed to be deleted,” I hope that if you use it, they live up to that claim.

If you have experience with Hinge and/or other platforms and would be willing to share your thoughts, please leave a comment below or contact me.

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Good luck out there!

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